View Full Version : Boyfriend's budgeting/financial help..falling short
sananeko
08-18-2011, 08:56 AM
It sounds like hes trying to leave hints for you to stay in your crappy current apartment.. don't.. I say hes not mature enough to be with you and your kid. I say a move would be the best thing and let him go.
Laurisa
08-18-2011, 09:35 AM
^^I wasn't planning on staying.
I'm absolutely miserable here, so isolated, no friends or family nearby. I need to have access to help and communication from someone other than my son during the week. My boyfriend coming home at 10:30PM really doesn't help much. I've come to realize that I can't raise my autistic son alone, and his Dad taking him on weekends isn't helping my mental state because I'm busy being mindfucked at the strip club during that time.
Being close to my school (even though I'm going online for now), living near my Grandma, Dad, friends, siblings, and my son's Dad will really improve my quality of life. I'll be able to call someone if I need help and I'm about to lose my mind, which will in turn better my son's life. He'll be happier if I am less stressed and I'm sure he won't miss hour long car rides twice a week.
xGigi
08-18-2011, 09:51 AM
well if you gotta let him go then do it and don't look back. this guy sounds really ridiculous to me. also I think he may not want to change his address because he doesn't look at you as a permanent thing. why would he care if it would make his car insurance go up if he doesn't pay it anyway? ::)
tell him to grow the fuck up. a woman should not be the provider for her man. a woman should provide for her children and herself.
I can't even believe you paid for him for so long. I would throw a fit. I would hate having that kind of financial pressure on me. all that money you're spending supporting this loser you could be saving and getting a newer car for YOURSELF or saving towards a retirement or a house or whatever. idk how you DO it. if I was in your situation and he brought up buying a new car I would laugh in his face and say "okay who do you expect to pay for that?"
does he even feel bad? does he at the VERY least thank you for supporting him?
if the answer is no then this man does NOT love you
Laurisa
08-18-2011, 10:11 AM
He doesn't express feeling bad, and he says thank you occasionally. I am growing tired of it, which is why I took it upon myself to plan to move out. I'm basically forcing him to make a decision about what he wants to do with me. I wouldn't call it hasty either--I've been debating this for a while. Three years of dating/knowing someone on and off is long enough to decide what you want to do. We've dated for probably about 2 of the last 3 years.
I think he knows what he wants to do. After all, a lease isn't permanent. It's not as if I'm buying a house and expecting him to put his name on the mortgage. We're taking 12 months here. I've decided that I'm moving with or without him (and made this clear to him) and that his actions will decide the fate of the relationship.
I mean really, how pathetic is it that you can't afford to live with your girlfriend in a new area because of your stupid car payment? If he owned his car or had a reasonable payment then he could afford the extra gas until his transfer (which would probably only take a few months).
He's like "Oh I've only been working there a few months, and they could decrease my pay". Hmm..you're 30. Maybe you should have gotten a useful degree and then you'd have more options. I can't pity him, honestly. If he doesn't move with me then he'll be stuck living at his parents house.
Honestly, I haven't even considered him helping with the $1200/month. I can afford it on my own. If he does move and can help me then it's just extra money. It's not fair if he gets to live in a gorgeous condo that costs $1200/month plus utilities if he's just giving me $400. That is seriously pathetic.
If he spent $200/month on a car payment and insurance (i.e. drive a used Ford Focus or something) then he'd free up an extra $300/month. He could use $150 for the extra gas he would be using, and give me $550 for bils. It still wouldn't be a fair 50/50 split...but with the free Comcast it would be as if he was giving me $750/month ($200 value).
So then I'd pay $400 for rent, the DTE bill (which would be high in a 2400 sq ft condo), and buy supplies for the house.
Realistically the car part won't happen. If he gives me $400/month and gives me the free Comcast then I'll pay $600 for rent and the DTE bill AND buy items for the house. Is it perfect? No, but it's close enough for me to be comfortable.
I don't think that is going to happen, either, because he is probably going to spend $80/week on gas just for work so that's an extra $320 monthly. That would basically be almost all of the money he gives me for rent.
It would cost me more to buy toilet paper/pay for his water use/supply him with odds an ends than it would to pay the Comcast bill by myself.
Laurisa
08-18-2011, 10:13 AM
You know what I want?
To meet a man in his mid twenties, with at least a bachelors degree, a job in his chosen field, a car that he owns or almost owns (no leases PLEASE), a house of his own, and some fiscal responsibility.
If he is 300 lbs, 5'5 and has no teeth I could care less (well not really...but you get the idea). I don't care about the superficial stuff anymore. I want to meet someone who is OK with my work and can accept and love my son even with the challenges he brings.
As stated before, I could see myself marrying my boyfriend--but not with his finances/job prospects. So, since I don't anticipate him changing then that spells out the rest.
Also--no sex immediately! Give it a few months, and no moving in with me for at least a year.
tropicalust
08-18-2011, 03:25 PM
I think maybe he needs a little motivation. There are times in our lives when we feel comfortable and we stop fighting to be more successful. Sometimes when I feel like that I try to watch motivational speeches and look for people that do what I do and are successful and try to have them as a role model. Cause maybe he feels that right now you guys have more that enough to survive, give him reasons that will motivate him to step up. Maybe you can show him the new honda and tell him how cool it looks and if he would make more money he could have that and maybe travel somewhere. I wouldn't recommend you to leave him because it sounds like he is a good guy and he treats you good and you love him. I would rather have a poor guy that gives me love and happiness than a rich asshole that treats me like shit. I hope this help :)
laurielegs
08-18-2011, 04:04 PM
I wouldn't recommend you to leave him because it sounds like he is a good guy and he treats you good and you love him. I would rather have a poor guy that gives me love and happiness than a rich asshole that treats me like shit. I hope this help :)
I really have to disagree. Good guys don't mooch off their partners and their parents. It's disrespectful and irresponsible. I've worked two jobs before. Why can't he? He isn't even trying to train for anything better. He's a child, not a man.
Laurisa
08-18-2011, 07:13 PM
^^Well apparently I haven't had my credit card long enough to give me a credit score. I only got it two months ago so the two places I went and looked at said they would rent to me with 4 months down and 1 1/2 times rent security (so a little over $5,000).
If I wait 4-5 months and re apply with this guy, all the while trying to save about 7k in case my plan falls through (and because savings are great anyway), then I'll be approved and even if I'm not I'll have the money to shut them up.
That's my plan. I'm running with it. 4-5 months is better than 15 months--which is how long I'd be staying in my current place if I didn't do anything.
In the meantime, since I'm staying, I want him to give me the free cable, talk to his work about a transfer, and see if he can work the latest shift they offer (which is like 5PM-2AM) within the next couple months because that will increase his hourly by $2-3. $2-3/hour adds up when you work 160 hours a month and get O/T on top of that. They do pay double for overtime and he gets bonus checks (about $160) every few months.
If everything is the same in 4 months when I start looking and he doesn't take any of my advice then I'll definitely be done--but since he is giving me some money in the meantime I see no reason to up and kick him out. He isn't abusive and his company does keep me sane, even if it is only at night.
So..this thread will be continued.
Laurisa
08-29-2011, 06:38 PM
UPDATE:
The original condo landlord contacted me again about two days after I made the last post. He said his prospective tenant fell through because she couldn't give him a $500 deposit to hold the place.
I told him to knock the total move in costs down to $4,020 ($630 for first month pro-rated, $945 for the last two months rent, and $1500 security) and that I'd bring him $1,000 cash the next day for a deposit. I followed through and signed my lease.
I have two prospective tenants coming to see my apartment tomorrow so they can take over my lease (lease modification). I won't have any penalty for moving out early at that point.
I'm on track for moving out financially, and I'm moving into the condo on September 11th.
My boyfriend says he doesn't really want to move because he feels like he will be mooching off me since he'll have to spend the money he is currently giving me ($400/month) on gas to get to work 1 hour each way 5 days per week. His logic makes no sense, as if $400 makes a huge difference to my monthly budget. I make that in 4 hours, no offense to him. It does help, but it seems like a really lame excuse. He's already mooching off me--like, he doesn't have money to eat for 10 more days because he gave me $400 for bills and then gave his Mom $300 for 3 months of car insurance. I'm kind of giving up on the whole deal with him.
And, my Mom brought my 3-year-old brother to my Grandma's today to see me, my two other siblings, and my son for my birthday this past weekend. She was drunk! I was SO mad (she is an alcoholic and apparently relapsed). She was being completely rude and I was angry that she had the audacity to show herself in front of my son that way. I didn't even care that it was for my "birthday". I am completely done with her. She had several bruises on her arm and she said her boyfriend (heroin addict/alcoholic in recovery...possibly) was angry when he caught her drinking and that he grabbed her and shook her. I'm worried it's not a good environment for my 3-year-old brother. His Dad is a registered sex offender and he completely abandoned him last month--CPS says my Mom shouldn't even have unsupervised visitation with my brother and she is driving drunk with him and he's living with her. I want to take him from her. When she gets caught blowing dirty on probation (she blows several times a week) she goes to jail for 6 months. That is what the judge said last time she was arrested, next time is 6 months. So my Grandma basically said I'd have to take my brother for that time.
Anyone think I stand a chance of getting legal custody of him? I can pass a drug test 100%, no criminal history, not even a speeding ticket. I don't pay my taxes (please don't criticize this...it's because of my son's medical problems/autism/brain tumor/insurance) and I don't have a dancers license (don't need one in my club) so there is no proof I am a stripper on paper. No 1099-misc, nothing. I don't want the judge to deny me custody because I'm a stripper.
My new condo is 1500 sq ft and is in a very ritzy neighborhood, it is completely big enough for two toddlers and myself. I really feel like I should take custody of him. I know within a month I'll have no choice when she gets arrested. I also don't know if I should call his Dad and talk to him. His Dad has custody of him technically and is a good Dad minus the sex offender part (he was 20 and slept with a 15 year old girl--statutory) but it seems odd that he dropped out of my brother's life. I don't want to stir up trouble, I want my Mom to make her own bed and lie in it. On Halloween 2009 she blew a .314 with my brother in the car, he was much younger then. She was arrested and there was a suicide attempt with him in the room, home alone. Also, a documented medical injury I took him to the ER for while she was drunk downstairs.
I am overwhelmed.
sananeko
08-29-2011, 07:34 PM
breath. Your doing very good.
I have taken in many kids from my family cause of really stupid reasons of the parents.
I took my little cousin for two years.. cause the mother and father wouldn't do anything to stop her older brother from beating the crap out of her. I was too young to fully take her but solved the problem before she went back.
That was only the worst so far. But If you think your the only one that can take care of him I would sit down and give yourself some time. Your about to move in a new home, have a son you need to take care of. Also I know it might be hard to think but if you do take him, it would mean a year of retraining. And thats before any signs show up. If your mom's bf shook her he can mimic that someday with no reason.
I say first get settled, make notes, ask the landlord about it, look up things. I know its hard to see that happen but you have to get yourself ready first. So when the time comes your ready. If not its going to hurt everyone.
Arianna419
08-30-2011, 11:24 AM
Please take custody of him! He deserves a good life and from what I know from your posts, you seem like a great mom and would give him a MUCH better life.
The only problem I can see is employment. What do you say you do for a living, if you don't file taxes? (No judgment here, just wondering) The judge may possibly question how you will financially provide for 2 children if you don't have any work on file. Other than that, you should absolutely be able to get him without a problem.
Laurisa
08-30-2011, 11:57 AM
I just say I am a student.
I don't get welfare or anything. Just state insurance for my son because of his disabilities. I'm already paying out of pocket for all of his autism therapy because Michigan insurance companies don't cover autism therapy, so I definitely can't afford copays on MRIs, neurosurgery consults, and possibly brain surgery too.
I don't know...income could be a big problem. I might be able to get his Dad to agree to give him to me when she goes to jail. He has legal custody of him and his Dad and I get along. If his Dad doesn't want him then he could legally sign over guardianship to me, since I am family I don't think it would raise any red flags. I suppose I should discuss this with his Dad since ultimately it is his decision, not my Mom's.
DesuvsDeath
08-30-2011, 03:54 PM
^Yeah, it sounds like you should give his dad a call and talk to him about taking custody.
Sorry to hear you're going through this. You've got so much to deal with, especially for someone so young, and it seems like it just keeps piling up. :(
Laurisa
08-30-2011, 04:52 PM
On a lighter note, I found three people today who want to lease my apartment.
One lady came at 5:30 PM and looked at it. Another guy and his wife are coming at 10:30 PM to look at it (I asked them to come after my boyfriend is home from work since there is a man in the group). The other lady wants to come Thursday.
The first lady said she was going to go to the leasing office tomorrow on her lunch break and fill out the application. She made it seem like she really wanted it.
This guy said him and his wife would go to the leasing office right when they opened if they like the place. I want to cover my ass in case one of their credit applications are denied.
But either way it seems like it's going to work out just fine.