View Full Version : Manipulative relationships
lemiwinks31
09-15-2011, 08:42 AM
Actually .... was not the point at all .
Marriage is a different Scenario , the idea of just going out on a bender has to be dropped .. that was my only point . Two way street .
No....it doesnt.
Jessie_tinydancer
09-15-2011, 02:11 PM
^ ya especially when you get married at 23... My benders were just getting started at that age haha. He likes to go out if it's people he likes too but his stamina isn't as good. He prefers at 4am curfew whilst if I was left to my own devices I personally like 10am but even I'm getting too old for that. We still go out together and people at the club freak out when they find out were married "omg and you still go out. Wow that's so cool"... Gee thanks I'm married not an alien.
FeministStripper
09-15-2011, 02:19 PM
The best description I've ever read: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml. The 'Heartless Bitch' propaganda is a bit much, a little 2001, but the writing is good.
"Most people have had it happen: at some point in our lives we find ourselves manipulated or "guilted" into doing something we didn't want to do. We end up angry at ourselves for caving in, and resenting the other person for pressuring us. However there are other kinds of emotional manipulation - covert abusive and hurtful techniques that even the most stalwart Heartless Bitch can fall prey to, that undermine a person's self-confidence, and may even make you feel like you are going crazy. The thing is, while true Heartless Bitches would NEVER tolerate physical abuse, they can get blindsided by emotional abuse, and not even realize it's happening - especially if it is coming from someone they trust and love. Like physical abuse, emotional abuse becomes a vicious circle that chips away at your self-confidence, making it harder and harder to leave. If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always tring to "fix" things, this article may be for you."
Jessie_tinydancer
09-15-2011, 02:26 PM
^ thanks that's a really interesting article. I just skimmed it and a lot does not apply but there was definitely a few sections that made me go "hmmmm" I'll read it again later when I have more time but that really helped to trigger my memory about a few things. Sad part is though... That entire article is my dad... My poor mom :(
Davey17
09-16-2011, 02:45 AM
^ ya especially when you get married at 23... My benders were just getting started at that age haha. He likes to go out if it's people he likes too but his stamina isn't as good. He prefers at 4am curfew whilst if I was left to my own devices I personally like 10am but even I'm getting too old for that. We still go out together and people at the club freak out when they find out were married "omg and you still go out. Wow that's so cool"... Gee thanks I'm married not an alien.
Jessie ...... You will quickly grow out of the " Bender " thing , theres little doubt about that . What ends up happening on that Route , is you guys have a BIG fight , you go out anyway and around 3am you start questioning ..Why am I doing this ?????
Look you guys get married early ..Its awesome that you can make it work ..Its great that you have been able to Sit down and talk ..Please never break those lines of communication , just make a commitment to each other .
Marriage is an ongoing compromise and thats the beauty of it ..Just stay with each other and realise this man really care about you like no other can .
Wishing you all the very best of luck ..Take Care D 8)
Athenathefabulous
09-16-2011, 02:54 AM
marriage doesnt mean you have to stop having fun. maybe you and your wife need to nanny eachother, but healthy relationships can take many forms. Independent relationships can work out just fine.
Davey17
09-17-2011, 04:13 AM
marriage doesnt mean you have to stop having fun. maybe you and your wife need to nanny eachother, but healthy relationships can take many forms. Independent relationships can work out just fine.
Exactly ... " Fun ' takes many forms ... and it certainly does not mean the end orf " FUN " ..I would argue merely the beginning . You soon realise , as time goes on what is really important and what is not .
One thing I can assure you , is that you will not lie on your deathbed saying " Gee wish I had a few more Benders " ..Importance needs to be held in the more basic ..not drug fuelled late nights / early mornings .
The important issue however is that you ..as a couple , take the time to find your " fun " together ..not in a way which you will later regret and try and palm off on some other reason .
As a rule of thumb , Really good times are seldom ( if ever ..over the long term ) drug fuelled events ..legal or otherwise .;D
Marriage however does involve a commitment to another , increased if children are involved , and priorities change . Nothing new here ... been going around for a very long time .::)
Jessie_tinydancer
09-17-2011, 06:53 AM
^ ya and probably won't look back on my death bed and say "gee I wish we went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 6am to go to home depot". I've had some pretty amazing times out and about. I don't know about anyone else but I don't get shit faced messy. I'm a dancer I lived a lot of time in the night. So what hours of the day it is is really not important.
Fenriswolf
09-17-2011, 07:37 PM
Hey Jessie, I know I'm a total random and I don't come on here much but my 2c:
Be careful. Abuse generally starts with control, pushing your boundaries and gaslighting (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting), ie: making you question your reality.
Abusers are generally very good at making their actions seem reasonable, and making you believe their behaviour was a one-off/not as bad as you thought.
I am not saying he's definitely abusive - that's the thing about abuse, it doesn't have a fluoro sign declaring when it's crossed the line. The line just gets pushed until you don't even know what boundaries are any more.
Trust your instincts, keep your communication open, and acknowledge to yourself if his behaviours are escalating. It doesn't matter how intelligent or supportive he is, the most successful abusers are those who seem the most well-balanced to everyone in their lives.
And given how you describe your relationship... if he does start pulling this shit regularly, making your doubt yourself, pressuring you to do things you don't want to do and guilting you out of doing things you want to do, and you leave him, mutual friends/family/those you care about will most likely tell you you were in the wrong.
People are blamed for not "getting out" when they have the shit beaten out of them. They are also told they are crazy if they see the signs before it becomes utterly controlling or physical. It's pretty much a catch 22 and you'll probably be your only advocate.
But that's only worst-case scenario! I just wanted to say, please don't ignore your feelings, and please don't try and "balance out" unhealthy behaviours with his positive attributes. His behaviour is what it is, and being OK with swinging/supporting you choosing a high-maintenance career does not give him a free pass to make you dread invitations to go out with your friends (for example).
Hopefully this is just an adjustment period and it all works out. But even if his behaviour does pass but the changes in your lives pull you apart... you never have to justify choosing to be in or out of a relationship to anyone else. You have to choose what is right for your life. Good luck.
/novel :P
Davey17
09-18-2011, 06:17 AM
^ ya and probably won't look back on my death bed and say "gee I wish we went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 6am to go to home depot". I've had some pretty amazing times out and about. I don't know about anyone else but I don't get shit faced messy. I'm a dancer I lived a lot of time in the night. So what hours of the day it is is really not important.
Well ..Good Luck ... Dancer or no Dancer ..my comment was not relevant to time exactly ....
Good luck to you ..Ive said enough .
Jessie_tinydancer
09-18-2011, 06:25 AM
^ I know you have no idea, thats why I said it... a condescending response masked as a helpful one deserves one in return. See I can understand what manipulation is. But my point is your judging my lifestyle and suggesting a more vanilla one holds more value or is the answer to my problem... thats not what this is about. Just because we enjoy dancing, techno music and sexual exploration does not mean my experiences are less valuable than someone with a more traditional lifestyle. Its just so typical that you would assume that this is part of the problem... our relationship has lasted longer than most vanilla ones (almost 8 years thus far) so I really don't like the judgement thats all. If I was in a relationship I found "boring" then there would be a whole other set of issues. I don't expect you to understand but its weird to give advice in something you don't understand IMO.
Brandi_Lynn
09-18-2011, 06:31 AM
All I can say is that you made this post for a reason -because of your gut. Listen to it -it's usually right. It's hard to listen to that instinct, but it's there for a reason. I kinda now view manipulation as abit of a form of abuse. Depending on the situation. Not everything is ponies & rainbows -but it shouldn't be this hard or you shouldn't have to change/alter or be afraid to be yourself or wonder what the hell he is thinking & be paranoid or try to analyze it this much. I follow through w/ things that I know don't fit or aren't right all the time & I still am always upset about the outcome. But I always knew what the out come or the end was going to be. If it's that important or life changing -the only question is that is important. "Can you see spending your life, seeing the end w/ the person?"
Brandi_Lynn
09-18-2011, 06:33 AM
Or as my mama put it it - can you see the big picture w/ this person still in your life in their same place? Or can you possibly live without em?
Kelly_Lover
09-18-2011, 11:08 AM
Communication is the key to success.