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rickdugan
05-05-2012, 09:40 AM
Guys I know will date Women with kids for sex and companionship, but have no intention of marrying and taking on the burden of raising them.

That's not good. A single mother has it tough enough without some guy wasting her time or breaking her heart. But more importantly, the impact on the kids if they become attached and then lose the guys from their lives can be tremendous. IMHO if these guys have no interest in being there long term, then they should just stay out those situations to begin with.

Have you ever seen what it is like when a child who does not have a father around meets his/her mommy's boyfriend? Have you seen how that child is once he/she becomes attached? I have seen this more times than I can count and it is utterly heartbreaking to witness, particularly when the guy moves on. One time, that guy was me (for reasons I stated in another thread). After my first run-in with this, I never again allowed the single mothers that I dated to introduce me to their children, waiting first to see if long-term interest developed. Fortunately, before I dated another single mother long enough to need to face this issue again, I met my wife, but had it been otherwise I would have been very careful before geting involved in the family dynamic of another single mother and her children.

Oh, and even when a single mother claims that she is ok with keeping it casual, IME most of them are really looking for something more, especially once they break the 30 barrier.

Anyway, just my :twocents:

BlkSharpie
05-05-2012, 09:48 AM
Thats a *really* good point Rick...I honestly do not even understand how a mother could introduce a guy to her kids right away. In the breakups I have been through, my own heartbreak completely paled in comparison to that of my daughters...and I felt worse for how she felt than my own pain. But still..the only three men shes ever met was one I was married to, one I lived with, and one I was in a relationship with for 3 years. I knew from the get go that I didnt want her to see men in and out of my life or home... A guy has to be *amaaazing* and we'd have to develop something strong between us before I let ...or let me put it this way...give him the honour of meeting my kid. Cause shes awesome like that :D

I can say though, when I met my last ex, I definitely was looking for something casual. I had a horrible breakup, had been single for 3 years and was actually enjoying myself with that. Plus I jut wanted to save myself and kiddo from another heartbreak, so I just wanted to have fun, and had every intention to stay single and just have fun until she was an adult and left home. He is the one who wanted more than that...but looking back, I think its the challenge of wanting something you cant have. Because I wanted to be casual, and was actually serious about it..he wanted more. If I had gone into with a vibe that I wanted a serious relationship and a daddy for my daughter, he probably would have freaked out and ran :D

Vyanka
05-05-2012, 11:32 AM
That's not good. A single mother has it tough enough without some guy wasting her time or breaking her heart. But more importantly, the impact on the kids if they become attached and then lose the guys from their lives can be tremendous. IMHO if these guys have no interest in being there long term, then they should just stay out those situations to begin with.

Have you ever seen what it is like when a child who does not have a father around meets his/her mommy's boyfriend? Have you seen how that child is once he/she becomes attached? I have seen this more times than I can count and it is utterly heartbreaking to witness, particularly when the guy moves on. One time, that guy was me (for reasons I stated in another thread). After my first run-in with this, I never again allowed the single mothers that I dated to introduce me to their children, waiting first to see if long-term interest developed. Fortunately, before I dated another single mother long enough to need to face this issue again, I met my wife, but had it been otherwise I would have been very careful before geting involved in the family dynamic of another single mother and her children.

Oh, and even when a single mother claims that she is ok with keeping it casual, IME most of them are really looking for something more, especially once they break the 30 barrier.

Anyway, just my :twocents:

You brought up a point I forgot to mention. The kids, they come first and yeah these situations affect them very much. I hope parties involved think about the kids first.

Mr Hyde
05-05-2012, 12:55 PM
That's not good. A single mother has it tough enough without some guy wasting her time or breaking her heart. But more importantly, the impact on the kids if they become attached and then lose the guys from their lives can be tremendous. IMHO if these guys have no interest in being there long term, then they should just stay out those situations to begin with.

Have you ever seen what it is like when a child who does not have a father around meets his/her mommy's boyfriend? Have you seen how that child is once he/she becomes attached? I have seen this more times than I can count and it is utterly heartbreaking to witness, particularly when the guy moves on. One time, that guy was me (for reasons I stated in another thread). After my first run-in with this, I never again allowed the single mothers that I dated to introduce me to their children, waiting first to see if long-term interest developed. Fortunately, before I dated another single mother long enough to need to face this issue again, I met my wife, but had it been otherwise I would have been very careful before geting involved in the family dynamic of another single mother and her children.

Oh, and even when a single mother claims that she is ok with keeping it casual, IME most of them are really looking for something more, especially once they break the 30 barrier.

Anyway, just my :twocents:

You know what kills me about what you just posted? And I have seen this too...when a mom gets a boyfriend and IMMEDIATELY tries to get the new guy introduced to her kid(s). That is TERRIBLE thing to do, both to the kids and to the new guy.

This is yet another reason I wouldn't see a single mom....what if it doesn't work out? Now those kids have yet another adult male in their lives that didn't stick around/work out.

Kids ask for none of this. You know what kids want? Consistency and love. You know what they don't like/need? Chaos and uncertainty. Kids thrive when they know what to expect. Having new guys coming and going...that's not good. I wouldn't want to be one of those guys.

BlkSharpie
05-05-2012, 01:49 PM
That is true, but the extreme opposite isnt so great either... not all relationships are filled with chaos and uncertainty, sometimes they do work out and are long lasting. But if theres a fear that it wont work out, then I guess that its just a flag that she isnt the right one for you, more than an issue with her being a single mother. Men would not be coming and going, if there is one that works out and stays..and is a good partner, as well as a good male role model.

Now, I know that a kid doesnt have to have a male role model to grow up alright...my father passed away when I was 2 and my mother never dated or remarried, so I have no idea what its like to have a father or a guy around at all. I missed out and I didnt want kiddo to grow up like that...plus I wanted and hoped that I would be able to show her something I didnt grow up with, a father figure and to be able to see what a relationship looks like, ..I didnt witness that until I was already a teenager when I moved in with a married family member but soon after I was on my own so it didnt make too much of an impact on me.

but yeah, I do think that at times that my extreme cautiousness when dating is why Im not one of those single moms who found someone to join my family. And even then I still got burned! The only positive I can see out of the negative, is that I did at least try...I did get to know someone and did my best to take a few months to get to know them before introducing them to kiddo, and I made my decisions with kiddo in mind always. And at least she has seen something of a relationship to base things off of to know what she wants or doesnt want, unlike me where the closest I came was watching Married with Children and Leave it to Beaver reruns :D Well damn...maybe thats why my relationships dont work out lol

lifetravelergirl
05-05-2012, 02:31 PM
The world is a very large and amazing place and it's full of all kinds of different people, people who all want similar things and different things. Some guys like thick women, some guys like thin women... Some guys like to rescue a woman, some guys want a woman who is independent. Some like kids, some don't want kids. Some want their own kids, some would rather adopt someone else's kids.

What you believe, what you think about can either bless your life or curse your life.

If you believe that guys aren't interested in single moms then that will become the truth for you, that will become your reality. That will become your world. The world is as big or as small as we believe it is. Sometimes you have to try try again. Sometimes not being attached to the wrong guy makes a space for the right guy. Sometimes you need to stop thinking or believing and allow the world to show you what it is really like. Meditation is good for that when it is done correctly.

I would think that a guy would loose interest because you are working or worked as a stripper before he would loose interest because you have a beautiful child. But instead of thinking things like that I just try to work with the world as it really is, I let the world reveal itself to me or I do my best to anyway.

lifetravelergirl
05-05-2012, 02:44 PM
I've always known I would probably not have a bf because of that, just kinda stings because I'm pretty sure the guy decided today he can't deal with it. He came by my house to drop off flowers but left abruptly after about a 1/2 hour of my kid screaming and whining and me leaving constantly to attend to her.

I knew this already


Try to look at what you are thinking. These thoughts or beliefs are ideas you have been cultivating for a while. You keep them in mind, they are active thoughts that build upon themselves. Then when the guy leaves you come to the conclusion that he left because of the reality you are building in your mind.

Maybe he had a difficult day, maybe he had a headache, maybe he had something else he needed to do. Maybe he needed a break, maybe not. But unless you attempt to adopt a more open awareness you are going to convince yourself that your beliefs are reality, they are going to be "evidence" to you. Evidence that no one wants to date a single mom.

What you believe has power. That power can become yours when you learn to control what you think, what you believe. The easiest way to do that is with meditation because by not thinking, you create a break in the negative thinking. The goal is not to think positively, the goal is to give your mind a break. Once your mind has had a break from all the circulating beliefs, ideas from the reality you are creating in your mind then you will be better able to see an idea for what it is instead of seeing an idea as 'reality'. You can escape the Matrix like Neo in the movie The Matrix.

I am taking the time to explain this not just for you but because many people read this forum and this is simple stuff that anyone can use if he or she wants to create a fulfilling life for themselves. It may not be the answer to everything but it can be incredibly empowering. http://www.mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php

Mr Hyde
05-05-2012, 08:36 PM
by the way, I should add....if a guy is willing to date a single mom, more power to him. I am not saying single moms should be alone until their kids are grown, or anything like that.

I'm just saying it's not for me.

Kellydancer
05-05-2012, 09:54 PM
by the way, I should add....if a guy is willing to date a single mom, more power to him. I am not saying single moms should be alone until their kids are grown, or anything like that.

I'm just saying it's not for me.

This issue is one people often twist to make it seem like those who don't hate parents are evil. I've been called the meanest things because of this dealbreaker and I don't wish single parents never to date, just not for me.

lokikola
05-07-2012, 06:25 AM
removed

Jay12
05-10-2012, 08:32 AM
The best thing you should do now is be positive and think to yourself that you do deserve a good man in your life. Also, he might not have children of his own, but I'm 100% that when he was in the military there were many single parents in his command and he probably understand their struggles and situations and knows that they can be just as good parents as married parents (in the military, is very common seeing men having the custody of their children, and not the mom). He seems decent, go for him.

Buena suerte!

Jay12
05-10-2012, 08:38 AM
You know what kills me about what you just posted? And I have seen this too...when a mom gets a boyfriend and IMMEDIATELY tries to get the new guy introduced to her kid(s). That is TERRIBLE thing to do, both to the kids and to the new guy.



I do agree with this statement, especially since my parents (they divorced when I was eight) made sure to not commit that mistake. A few years after my parents divorced, my mother met another dude...and she introduced him to us when they were already exclusive, around their 5th month together. I was already in my teens, so I could babysit my brothers while she went on dates with him. They've been married eight years now and they have a kid together, my little sister (she'll turn eight in December).

NathanM
05-15-2012, 02:02 PM
I am a single father with 5, yes 5 kids, 4 of whom live with me and I can relate. I honestly use the fact that I have kids to weed out the ones not worth my time. My kids are well behaved, use their manners, listen to adults, so I want to be very careful who I expose them to by dating. Hell the women I DO date don't even get the chance to meet my kids until after the 3rd or 4th date. I am single by choice and my focus will be my kids until I find the one woman who can accept the total package I have to offer, kids and all.

HarleyQ
05-15-2012, 05:45 PM
I'm also 23 and a divorced mom of a little girl. I don't have trouble finding people who want me, i have trouble finding people i want. Honestly, i always want to know why a guy under 35 with no children of his own would want to date a single mom (especially the mother of a little girl) but there are plenty men who do, i've been on two dates since my divorce two years ago (i've turned don't over 50), one was a setup and was a disaster, the kid was younger then me and not my type at all. The second date was nice, the guy is nice, he's 38, he's not really my type though, but i guess i'll see where it goes. Maybe dating a man who has a child of his own would be easier, but only if the kids mother is in a relationship of her own, and her and the guy you date have been a part at least a year.

MissSeraphim
05-15-2012, 07:10 PM
As a single mommy who hasn't dated anyone else in 4 years..
I'm more picky about who I would date than just any single responisiblity-less little pecker who is "totally fine with my kids" then gets pissy that they get more attention or when they cry at 4 am because they had a bad dream.
It takes a ton of maturity for men (and women) to accept a family dynamic. That honestly..I've met men in their 50s who don't have it in them, even men with kids who don't.
If this sounds like a put down..yeah it kind of is.
But my "baggage" is my life. & just because you called me and took me out to a $20 dinner doesn't mean I'm anywhere near yours or that you deserve as much attention as my kids.
I've pretty much seen men as a waste of time since I became a mom then a single mom 3 months later. Sure, go out now and then and flirt. but date? Who the fuck has the time for that??
If a guy can even manage to get on my radar I'll have a pretty decent amount of respect for his determination.
I would totally get serious with another person with kids. As long as he doesn't have like 5..7+ kids? He better be a millionaire. But it's the best way to see how they will be in the family setting when they have a family of their own. If their kids are all useless brats...well we know what daddy is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is..if they don't want me I sure as hell do not want them.
BUT there are men out there looking for a family.
I've heard milf lovers say they like it because it's having that family but should things go bad..they're not financially responsible. kinda irked me but it makes sense.

HarleyQ
05-15-2012, 07:17 PM
^^^ All of what MS said too.

Leggings Queen
05-15-2012, 07:40 PM
hi! I'm a single mom. I can understand where you're coming from. It can be really hard when you finally find a guy that isn't a jerk and actually respects you! From an unbiased POF I think you have to understand and respect a guys decisions. I know if I had no kids and I liked a guy I honestly probably would not get serious if he was a single father. It's not because I think they are not going to show me the attention I want but the lack of freedom is what I'd miss.

He may come around and he may find that he can deal with it, just takes time. Sometimes it's just the situation they are scared of and as it goes a long it's not such a big deal. I actually prefer to stay single just so I don't have to have the distraction of men getting in the way.

LibraSnake
05-20-2012, 05:18 AM
I sure as hell wouldn't want to date a single dad. I just wouldn't know what to do with the kid.

I think guys avoid single moms, because it's automatic responsibility for things they didn't even get to have sex for. Rather, it's voluntary drudgery, obstacles and headaches for nothing (relative to dating a childless woman).

It's like paying and sacrificing for up to 18 years a vacation you never even got to go on.

lokikola
05-20-2012, 09:42 AM
Things are going great and I'm happy.

TheWeirdOne
05-24-2012, 09:57 AM
D

I knew this already but it just stings for it to actually happen. I've been alone for a year and a half and its not always fun. I'm not gonna toss aside my responsibilities as a mom for anyone no matter how much I like them so I just have to suck it up and look forward to maybe being with someone when I'm closer to 40.


I understand where you are in life right now. I have a toddler as well and he is hitting his terrible twos. I was married, and got divorced a few years ago. I have dated a few men ever since but never got serious with anyone, except one.

I was dating a guy who was very young, 20 and he was a student. I look back now and I regret it so much. Like the 1st response, I feel he grew to love me so very much because of my child. My son was a little baby and he would literally die for him. He wouldnt buy me presents of gifts but would constantly bring toys and essentials for my son ( i wasnt dancing at the time, I was broke ) He would go on my 400 mile commute every single week for custody visitations. I wish I could have seen just how much he loved us.

I broke up with him because he would get totally weird about seeing us sometimes. Eventually we had a conversation where he told me it hurt him too much that he couldnt provide for our "family" He was getting his bachelors and working part time. He said being with a single mother put a lot of pressure on him to become a man and take on the father role.

Its not that men dont like the child/children, its that they may not be ready to take on responsibilities and because they are human, instinctly, they will grow to love you and your child even more. Its inevitable. It sounds like the boy youre seeing might feel the same way, hes going to med school and probably cannot spare focus or much time really.

HTH

mikef
05-24-2012, 11:38 AM
I understand where you are in life right now. I have a toddler as well and he is hitting his terrible twos. I was married, and got divorced a few years ago. I have dated a few men ever since but never got serious with anyone, except one.

I was dating a guy who was very young, 20 and he was a student. I look back now and I regret it so much. Like the 1st response, I feel he grew to love me so very much because of my child. My son was a little baby and he would literally die for him. He wouldnt buy me presents of gifts but would constantly bring toys and essentials for my son ( i wasnt dancing at the time, I was broke ) He would go on my 400 mile commute every single week for custody visitations. I wish I could have seen just how much he loved us.

I broke up with him because he would get totally weird about seeing us sometimes. Eventually we had a conversation where he told me it hurt him too much that he couldnt provide for our "family" He was getting his bachelors and working part time. He said being with a single mother put a lot of pressure on him to become a man and take on the father role.

Its not that men dont like the child/children, its that they may not be ready to take on responsibilities and because they are human, instinctly, they will grow to love you and your child even more. Its inevitable. It sounds like the boy youre seeing might feel the same way, hes going to med school and probably cannot spare focus or much time really.

HTH

Hey, things change sometimes..... You should make an effort and reach out to him...... Anything worth having, is worth fighting for.

TheWeirdOne
05-24-2012, 03:53 PM
After I left him he changed his number and refuses to talk to me. I tried emailing him, its been 6 months and still no word from him : ( I was drunk one night and went to his house and saw his car outside so I know he still lives there. What would I say if I went you know? He hates me for leaving him.

Brandi_Lynn
05-24-2012, 04:09 PM
My dad met my ma after she had already had me (was still in diapers even) -married my ma by the time I was 4 & adopted me so that I would even have his last name. I never knew that he wasn't my real dad until they told when I was 12. It's actually kind of sweet because he gets jealous whenever my biological father is brought up. Awww.

So see, some men it's a deal breaker & with others it isn't. Just depends.

mikef
05-25-2012, 05:52 AM
After I left him he changed his number and refuses to talk to me. I tried emailing him, its been 6 months and still no word from him : ( I was drunk one night and went to his house and saw his car outside so I know he still lives there. What would I say if I went you know? He hates me for leaving him.

I doubt he hates you..... You know his address..... Write a letter by hand..... Just explain your thoughts feelings at the time..... I am probably wrong, and it will accomplish nothing..... But there is an outside chance some good will come of it..... At the very least, you'll know you did all you could..... At the very best.....

TheWeirdOne
05-25-2012, 10:49 AM
Yeah, Ive thought about that. I think about him every single day,every single day. : ( I might do that. Gather up the courage and stop fearing rejection, since Im a dancer my skin is thicker now. : ) Ill write two letters, one to a PO box we used to share and another to his actual home. Awww, Ill include a picture of us or something. : ) Thanks for motivating me. Seems like every time I try to think of this its futile because I broke his heart.

mikef
05-25-2012, 01:49 PM
Good luck.

jgolden83
05-26-2012, 09:16 PM
Just to clarify as to whether or not the word "baggage" is offensive...

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/baggage?s=t

baggage
[bag-ij]   Origin
bag·gage
   [bag-ij] Show IPA
noun
1.
trunks, suitcases, etc., used in traveling; luggage.
2.
the portable equipment of an army.
3.
things that encumber one's freedom, progress, development, or adaptability; impediments: intellectual baggage that keeps one from thinking clearly; neurotic conflicts that arise from struggling with too much emotional baggage.
4.
Disparaging and Offensive .
a.
a woman.
b.
a prostitute or disreputable woman.
5.
Often Offensive . a pert, playful young woman or girl.
Origin:
1400–50; late Middle English bagage < Middle French, equivalent to Old French bag ( ues ) bundles, packs (perhaps < Old Norse; see bag) + -age -age

Can be confused:  bag, baggage, luggage, pack, sac, sack.
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2012.