View Full Version : Men Age 30-40 And Their Lack Of Commitment
rickdugan
06-12-2012, 05:08 AM
A guy I met did this on dating sites. He would only date women in Brasil. Now these women are gorgeous so it made perfect sense. He was handsome making about 6 figures and we chatted all the time. Really well rounded guy ---or what I thought. He tried to hide that he had been married twice but I didn't care he was cute online eye candy and I wasn't looking to date at that point. Later on he told me about why he preferred women in these specific countries. They were basically the women of the 50s but hotter and more skin showing. Totally made sense.
That is very sad, but yes have heard of many cases like this. Because women in this country have rights and yes many are independent. Women can even have babies on their own without a father. Many of these chauvinistic men hate it. They deep down hate women and hate them more and more but firmly believe certain things are womens work. So they prey on women from poor countries who are desperate to leave that country. Very sad for these women.
As a guy married to a woman from another country (though she was in the U.S. for a long time before I met her), I have a slightly different perspective on this. I think the reason that many guys in the U.S. like the idea of a woman from another culture is that so many of the women here are messed up in the head. I would almost call this the Depressive Generation. So many of them seem to be constantly searching for some greater meaning in their lives and for more elevated feelings of self-worth that they cannot get out of their own heads and focus on others, and I definitely include their children in that comment. And the ones that can and do focus on their families seem to do so in an almost desperate way, trying to make their children their friends rather than serving as real parents.
Now I'm using broad generalizations here and there are plenty of U.S. women who are good wives and mothers, but there are also a lot of the other types. I spent a chunk of my 30s simply despairing of finding one who I would ever want to have a family with.
I'll admit that I myself was starting to consider the overseas route before I met my wife. This was not because I desired a subserviant woman, but rather because I wanted a woman with a clear head and a simple zest for life. I had met a lot of Brazilians by then and most that I knew worked hard, played hard, didn't take shit from anyone, seemed to thrive in their family lives and were loyal to their loved ones. THAT is what I wanted. By then, I had more than my fill of those women on their Eat, Pray, Love never-ending journies of self-discovery, which often involved a variety of anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds. Não obrigado.
cherryblossomsinspring
06-12-2012, 08:26 AM
As a guy married to a woman from another country (though she was in the U.S. for a long time before I met her), I have a slightly different perspective on this. I think the reason that many guys in the U.S. like the idea of a woman from another culture is that so many of the women here are messed up in the head. I would almost call this the Depressive Generation. So many of them seem to be constantly searching for some greater meaning in their lives and for more elevated feelings of self-worth that they cannot get out of their own heads and focus on others, and I definitely include their children in that comment. And the ones that can and do focus on their families seem to do so in an almost desperate way, trying to make their children their friends rather than serving as real parents.
Now I'm using broad generalizations here and there are plenty of U.S. women who are good wives and mothers, but there are also a lot of the other types. I spent a chunk of my 30s simply despairing of finding one who I would ever want to have a family with.
I'll admit that I myself was starting to consider the overseas route before I met my wife. This was not because I desired a subserviant woman, but rather because I wanted a woman with a clear head and a simple zest for life. I had met a lot of Brazilians by then and most that I knew worked hard, played hard, didn't take shit from anyone, seemed to thrive in their family lives and were loyal to their loved ones. THAT is what I wanted. By then, I had more than my fill of those women on their Eat, Pray, Love never-ending journies of self-discovery, which often involved a variety of anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds. Não obrigado.
What an insightful post. It's like the words just popped out at me. I thought I would share what things I saw:) Ohh Dugan M'Boy!
rickdugan
06-12-2012, 10:52 AM
What an insightful post. It's like the words just popped out at me. I thought I would share what things I saw:) Ohh Dugan M'Boy!
Alrighty then...:lens:
At the risk of seeming a bit dense, I'm not sure what exactly you were trying to convey with all of that. I have my suspicions on a couple of them, but otherwise I'm not really following.
And I want to be clear that my last comment about anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs was not meant to discourage any woman who really should be taking her meds from doing so. Just sayin'. ;D
Kellydancer
06-12-2012, 11:00 AM
I'm sure there are women with messed up minds, but I know men like that too. In fact I have come across so many men who are messed up in the head (my loser ex comes to mind). The single women I know for the most part have their priorities straight, except the ones I know who have several children and are divorced or more likely never married.
gypsyroseBBW
06-12-2012, 12:18 PM
My situation is probably diffrent because my DH was marred before and had custody of his 3 kids but he was 31 when we got married.
Vyanka
06-15-2012, 07:37 AM
For me, next guy I meet.... No commitment??? Then pay me. I'm not into giving a man benefits while I'm not getting shit. I'm not that chic. Keep it moving.
lestat1
06-15-2012, 08:13 AM
Why I haven't committed yet: I feel like a 4 trying for a 5, and ending up with a 2 (and unhappy).
Bennu
06-15-2012, 10:30 AM
For me, next guy I meet.... No commitment??? Then pay me. I'm not into giving a man benefits while I'm not getting shit. I'm not that chic. Keep it moving.
This strikes me as kinda funny, cause from what little I know about you, you seem like the kind of woman that a man would want to make a commitment to. Maybe I'm just missing something though....you got one of those shrieking, nails on the chalkboard, laughs perhaps?:D
Kellydancer
06-15-2012, 10:57 AM
I can relate to Vyanka and that is my motto: no fling without a ring. I like sex, quite a bit in fact, but am tired of sleeping with men who can't commit. It's why I am still single and for me the sex clouded my judgement. I don't get it, because I know women who are nags, users, etc and they have men falling over them, but decent women I know struggle to find a decent man.
Vyanka
06-15-2012, 11:23 AM
This strikes me as kinda funny, cause from what little I know about you, you seem like the kind of woman that a man would want to make a commitment to. Maybe I'm just missing something though....you got one of those shrieking, nails on the chalkboard, laughs perhaps?:D
Guys tell me this all of the time. Just most guys can't handle my job. It makes it a little challenging for me. I won't be dancing for too long either, so that won't be an issue later on. Who knows what the future holds for me. :)
ArmySGT.
06-15-2012, 12:57 PM
Greatness in all probability.
Davey17
06-17-2012, 04:31 AM
For me, next guy I meet.... No commitment??? Then pay me. I'm not into giving a man benefits while I'm not getting shit. I'm not that chic. Keep it moving.
This would unfortunately do little good at all , and would add to part of the cynical view ..Thats wrong if thats your true belief , but at the same time dont expect to find something that differs from what you offer . If you think making some kind of " Payment " will even the Score ..unfortunately it will just alienate your mental ( Cynical ) state further ..
That way how would you ever possibly find this so called commitment that is potentially out there ? ..It simply does not work like this . You would walk straight past your Mr Commitment ..for when would you stop cashing the cheques ? Its fine if you have no belief ..But that means your taking payment for everything ..and ( sorry ) it aint quite that easy .
Davey17
06-17-2012, 04:55 AM
The so called Sexual Revolution has not been at all helpful to the female , quite the reverse is the actual fact as now ( particularly in the wonderful Western World ) neither of the Sexes has an understanding of their Role . Yet suicide is at an all time high , Anti - depressent drugs are being handed out ( particularly in the States ) like they are some kind of Lollies .
Throw into the mix this particular industry and completely unrealistic expectations ..What do you expect ?? and you want some guy to commit ..lol ..Forget it , its never going to happen . Now we've all seen many of the dancers SOs ..Boyfriends ..Partners ..even Husbands .. Whats the Ohh so regular comman denominator ?? lets be honest ..there are exceptions ..but really , it does make things more difficult , particularly for a Career Dancer .
Now while all this is happening ..We are fighting Biology also . Look , this is a tough business , it take a VERY VERY strong individual to come out the other end , It can be done ..but its a total emotional rollercoaster , Id estimate 15 - 20 % can do it on a good day . Now the basic womans window is this 21 - 41 years ..under 21 , even better for child birth , but we have " other issues " ..Study ..Society values ..etc etc . Lets say we study / dance / party and whatever else between 20 - 30 years ..We now have a 10 years window , but we've been doing God knows what for 10 years ..so its not as simple as saying " Yeah commitment ..Now Im going to go play House " ..pure and simple Bullshit .
I would argue that of course these guys will not commit , because the so called " Revolution " has made it nearly impossible for them to do so ..You couldn't remotely expect them to do anything different . Once we come to the understanding that life is NEVER back/ white but always many shades of grey , we get a far greater understanding .
Be realistic ..and look to yourself ..forget the ridiculous notion of " Hot " , plenty of so called " Hot " loosers and Crims . Look for good Providers , with good habits , in decent shape that take care of themselves , are able to present , and communicate at all levels , intelligent ..thats the real " Hot " . Then look to yourself , and look exactly at what you present to the world , have some dignity , you will find same in return .
Running around Ranting , and carrying on with no respect for yourself ..Will attract to your exactly the same . Looks will get you some way , presentation and attitude will get you a whole lot further . But remember the biological window ..21 - 41 years , Its not a long time .
Wishing all Well .
Vyanka
06-17-2012, 10:22 AM
This would unfortunately do little good at all , and would add to part of the cynical view ..Thats wrong if thats your true belief , but at the same time dont expect to find something that differs from what you offer . If you think making some kind of " Payment " will even the Score ..unfortunately it will just alienate your mental ( Cynical ) state further ..
That way how would you ever possibly find this so called commitment that is potentially out there ? ..It simply does not work like this . You would walk straight past your Mr Commitment ..for when would you stop cashing the cheques ? Its fine if you have no belief ..But that means your taking payment for everything ..and ( sorry ) it aint quite that easy .
No, its not wrong! WTF....
A man can let me know with his own damn mouth if he isn't looking for anything serious and wants only fun. I've met men like this who had the decency to let me know upfront from the beginning. Now if that type of dude wants to push a FWB relationship, I too with my own fkn mouth will tell him what I want for exchange then..$$$$$ and that's IF I have the energy to go that route. I will still keep my options open until I meet Mr. Commitment.
Idk how you think that does not do good for me. That's a good way to weed out time wasters.
I'm not gonna waste my time with men who have nothing to offer me. Fuck NO.
Oh and do me a favor...you personally don't know me to call me cynical bc I'm far from. I just know Wtf I want. ;-)
shift_6x
06-17-2012, 10:59 AM
No, its not wrong! WTF....
A man can let me know with his own damn mouth if he isn't looking for anything serious and wants only fun. I've met men like this who had the decency to let me know upfront from the beginning. Now if that type of dude wants to push a FWB relationship, I too with my own fkn mouth will tell him what I want for exchange then..$$$$$ and that's IF I have the energy to go that route. I will still keep my options open until I meet Mr. Commitment.
Idk how you think that does not do good for me. That's a good way to weed out time wasters.
I'm not gonna waste my time with men who have nothing to offer me. Fuck NO.
Oh and do me a favor...you personally don't know me to call me cynical bc I'm far from. I just know Wtf I want. ;-)
I see where u r coming from..if we are looking for a good, kind, understanding, respectful guy and are having a hard time finding that guy it does seem realistic that we may take money from and possibly gifts from other men who r say our regulars etc...As long as my regs understand which they do, that what they give does NOT entitle them to anything sexual whatsoever then we r on the same page and I really dont see the harm...SOs just struggle so damn much to understand the dancer/customary relationship that its gets s f n frustrating..its as if the SOs have no way to understand that yes men do give and know that they rnt going to get something n return...They get my attention and time..And sometimes its a real headache when they get territorial and dont want to share me amongst each other...I just juggle everything the best I can...
unbeleavable
06-17-2012, 11:13 AM
Davey, I keep reading from you how the sexual revolution has caused a problem with women finding commitment but I've yet to read from you that the men of today need to grow up. I don't understand where you can blame a period in time where women feel equal & comfortable with sex?...even if some use it as power. I think a bigger issue with commitment is selfishness rather a power issue.
Kellydancer
06-17-2012, 05:29 PM
Because it's obvious he has an agenda against women, especially "older" women. As one of those older women I take great offense in his posts because I am much more attractive than most women my age and guess what? I am much hotter than most women YOUNGER than me. Also, I never see anything about the men who are gross. I see these losers all the time when they email me on dating sites. I'm talking gross out factor here.
I know what I want and will not take anything less. If it means I never marry (which would suck)then I plan to have as much fun as possible with guys.
shift_6x
06-21-2012, 12:18 PM
I am just disgusted with men who r say 30/31 and cant accept that and feel they still need to party it up..especially when I loved one of these guys...
Not that i'm much of a partier but why do you find it disgusting?
shift_6x
06-22-2012, 02:05 AM
^bc they well one in particular was attempting to let go of someone who truly loved him despite mistakes on both sides..partying and freedom gets lonely when u dont have someone n ur life who cares about u it seems empty to me..But hey im not that 30/31 year old guy..
Davey17
06-22-2012, 07:03 AM
I am just disgusted with men who r say 30/31 and cant accept that and feel they still need to party it up..especially when I loved one of these guys...
Interesting ..and for what it worth , I completely agree with you .BUT , the problem is on both sides , these day do need to GROW UP ..and you already have ..This is the problem . Despite the fact that some are offended by the truth , sometimes truth Hurts , pure and simple as does facing the facts .
These guys ( you speak of ) ..Need to understand fatherhood themselves , and this is the BIG problem with the current situation , they have been pushed out of it ..I was a father at 27 years , and it was just the greatest thing ever for me , it the completion facor that is most important . It really is all about reproduction ..like it or not .
Davey17
06-22-2012, 07:47 AM
Look sometimes unfortunately in so many walks of life individuals hate / fight the truth ..often its a case of " Shoot the mesenger " ..Its not a big deal for me , I only deal in FACT , and Im not anti any women be they younger or older .." Each to their own " as we say , BUT Its extremely important not to loose site of biology , for as much as we all must wish to control it ..Its simply not possible , it is what it is .
Child bearing WILL be a factor in your relationship , like it or not ..all attraction is based on the available Gene pool , but there is always a catch ..and its NOT a neverending story , these are the medical FACTS .
Therefore a wise decision MIGHT be ( Might ) to decide if you wish to reproduce , if you do , Great ..If you dont want Great ..but either way , just understand the reality ..WOMEN bare children , MEN produce sperm .. you need both . And Sorry if you are over 37 + you are testing Biology . These are Not my numbers , I dont personally care ... but these are the balls you juggle .
Seriously , I wish ALL well with their relationships ..understand what an actual relationship in ..plus the concept of the biological factors .
shift_6x
06-22-2012, 11:36 PM
^I am not over 37 or 37..Ty for the good u were trying to say..And no I really dont wish to be a parent.
unbeleavable
06-23-2012, 10:05 AM
Not all relationships are built on breeding? I understand biology & the idea of reproduction but people have evolved to where we don't need a family to work the farm to survive. In today's society a child doesn't mean a commitment from either party & especially men.
Kellydancer
06-23-2012, 11:03 AM
If that is the case then Match.com wouldn't be experiencing it's greatest amount of new subscriptions with over 45 never married men and women. Yes that is an actual article available on the WWW. The fact is not everyone wants kids, others do but can't find the right one. Some got married young and still couldn't have kids. Others married older and had kids naturally. Everyone is different.
Kellydancer
06-23-2012, 11:42 AM
Not all relationships are built on breeding? I understand biology & the idea of reproduction but people have evolved to where we don't need a family to work the farm to survive. In today's society a child doesn't mean a commitment from either party & especially men.
Yep. I was thinking about this point and that's why issues like abortion and unwed parenthood are so important. Contrary to what many people might think, there has always been a time where the men got a woman pregnant and didn't stick around. In the past these situations resulted in adoptions, and possibly illegal abortions and now single motherhood and abortion. In a perfect world a woman would get pregnant and the man would marry her (or at least stick around to raise the baby), but we don't live in a perfect world. That's why I am glad we have choices today not available many years ago.
However I see these men who blame women for the changes that have happened to society. The reason is because women do have choices now and they do not have to rely on men. The more misogynistic men like to blame women and then they make comments like "older women are useless" or they use all the various fertility issues and then say "looks like you won't get a baby". These men use it as an excuse really to scare women. Sure, older women are afraid of never finding perfect person, but so are men.
StripClubRegular
06-23-2012, 01:37 PM
Perhaps the commitment types are not the type of men who play the field and sleep around even when they are in their 20's. Maybe they are hard to find because they're already committed to someone. Either that or they are just in the minority. Personally, I would never pursue someone unless I know I can commit to that person. What is the point of being with someone and at the same time holding out for someone better? To me, that's just a waste of time. Of course, things may not work out but that's a different topic.