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Flickdreams
10-31-2012, 05:22 AM
^ Doctor Doctor Doctor!

lemiwinks31
10-31-2012, 12:21 PM
^ Doctor Doctor Doctor!


Its been 7 months....I wouldnt hold my breath. Again, this guy sounds like he is 14, waiting for mommy to make him go see a doctor.

This is supposed to be a grown ass man.

lemiwinks31
10-31-2012, 12:39 PM
I'm just so confused. I'm a dancer in my mid 30's and it has been so difficult finding a guy I like at my age. But I am really torn between moving on and waiting for this guy, as it knocks my confidence. I really like this guy, but I have difficulty leaving relationships as I come from an abusive family which left me with zero self esteem, and my biggest fear is that people abandon me. Whenever, I have relationship problems or people reject me I fear I won't be able to make it through.
Thanks for all the replies and advice as it helps getting this off my chest :)

I missed this part before, and now it makes so much more sense why you would think that you dont deserve any better than Soft Weenied Loser (SWL)

Its great that you recognize the origin of your problems and one of the symptoms of it(low self esteem). But you still need help to actually treat it.

Talk to a therapist/social worker/counselor a couple times a month, get a referral from your doc.

You get what you settle for. If you settle for SWL, you wont get anything better than SWL. There is better out there, but you have to believe that you deserve better.

Flickdreams
10-31-2012, 10:25 PM
Update OP pls...

rickdugan
11-01-2012, 08:58 AM
Im sorry but none of you are helping natalee even though you mean to.

first, youre analysing a medical condition by coming up with your own theories. Thats fine, but it doesnt help natalee. She deserves to make a decision based on facts. If you dont have them, please research it before you come up with your own.

You are speculating as much as we are. Neither you nor I know if it is anxiety, sexual orientation issues or something else altogether. But he HAS been disingenuous in his handling of the situation (as discussed below). The advice that many here are giving natalee is that she is under no obligation to make his problems her own, especially if the situation is messing her up. Don't confuse natalee's well being with his as they are not necessarily tied together.

Now I may have had a different take on this if he had been upfront, but given the dodgy way that he is handling things, including not only his wiener problem but also how he reacted after she told him that she dances, I'm having trouble advising her to get caught up in wiener/head/whatever issues.


second, you keep insisting the guy is abusive of her. Where was that? She said he treats well and is very nice to her.

Did you read these comments?:

He said he does get hard when he watches porn, but said he doesn't do that often. I asked him if he still liked his ex and he insisted that he didn't and that it was over (but I think he may not be over her). He said he really wants to have sex with me but doesn't know why he can't get hard.

I mentioned before that he said he really associates sex with love, so I'm worried he lacks feelings for me.

The fact that he waited several months before he even made any type of move suggests that he probably already knew that he had a problem and is full of shit. His claims that he doesn't know why he cannot get hard and that he "associates sex with love" are just deflections of blame IMHO.

Again, I'd have more sympathy for him if he had been candid upfront, but all of this nonsense is making me wonder what other issues lurk under the surface.

lokikola
11-01-2012, 09:20 AM
Performance anxiety. Every guy experiences this sometime.

You may be so amazingly better than any GF he has had before, coupled with the low self esteem issues he is displaying.

Yeah, he is afraid to disappoint you. The anxiety is robbing him of his libido and becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

Talking about how amazing he is for you will probably settle him right down. Once you guys to have intercourse, fake an orgasm. Tell him how amazing it was to have someone that wants to make love to you, not just fuck a pretty girl.

A little praise will settle the doubts in his mind, or slay the demons of a past difficult relationship.

You can groom your lamb into a lion.

oh my god. This is the funniest shit I've ever read!

Plopplop
11-01-2012, 10:39 PM
You are speculating as much as we are. Neither you nor I know if it is anxiety, sexual orientation issues or something else altogether.

I am not speculating. I am basing this on medical observations of patients who suffered from ED.

This is a common case described by doctors, sexologist, psychologists, etc...i am not coming up with my own unsubstantiated theories.

often the physiological and psychological causes coexist anyway, one reinforcing the other.

For example, if its a physiological issue at some pooint, it creates anxiety, which stays even if original cause is gone. Or if its anxiety, the patient's body will react in a way that furthers the problem.

both are treatable.





But he HAS been disingenuous in his handling of the situation (as discussed below).

In my first reply i told her he probably lied about the ex and that he probably had problems with her too.
But again, this is probably the issue that causes the most insecurity in any man. His lie was to protect his image in her eyes and not to abuse her.

Everyone is on their high horse but that is a very normal reaction.

for example, natalee waited some time before revealing that shes a stripper. Does that make her an abusive liar or a worried partner who cared what the other will think?


The advice that many here are giving natalee is that she is under no obligation to make his problems her own, especially if the situation is messing her up. Don't confuse natalee's well being with his as they are not necessarily tied together.

sure shes under no obligation. She should walk away if she feels like it. But afaik and im no expert, any relationship means making ur partners problems ur own and at least try to help them at first.


but also how he reacted after she told him that she dances, I'm having trouble advising her to get caught up in wiener/head/whatever issues.

Dancers as i recently found out are a very attractive group of girls that id be more than happy to be in a relationship with.

but honestly if u think an average man taking a few days to accept that the woman hes seeing dances ( and making a gesture to show he was wrong to be upset about it) is some kind of abusive overreaction, i think thats mistaken.






Did you read these comments?:

He said he does get hard when he watches porn, but said he doesn't do that often. I asked him if he still liked his ex and he insisted that he didn't and that it was over (but I think he may not be over her). He said he really wants to have sex with me but doesn't know why he can't get hard.

I mentioned before that he said he really associates sex with love, so I'm worried he lacks feelings for me.


The fact that he waited several months before he even made any type of move suggests that he probably already knew that he had a problem and is full of shit. His claims that he doesn't know why he cannot get hard and that he "associates sex with love" are just deflections of blame IMHO.

i agree. But again i say its normal.

everyone talks about being a man like its chopping a tree and hunting bears. Him not accepting this and having problems admitting it is the most normal human reaction ever.



i dont see men running around bars telling women " hey i have a small penis and sometimes it doesnt even go up". But a huge percentage of them do. And the rest have a lot of other issues they dont admit to.

Do not expect people to be perfect. Noone will ever be.

if this turns out to be the extent of his issues and IF he accepts to seek help, then hes not a bad man. Women heres first reaction if to gang up and protect her but so far i dont see a bad man. I see a man with a problem who should be given a chance to fix it.

Plopplop
11-01-2012, 10:42 PM
Btw my friend told me a very famous european athlete made up a story about being abused in his childhood to cover ip his ed problems to his wife.

That from a succesful man idolized by millions of women.

rickdugan
11-02-2012, 04:05 AM
Plop, yes you ARE speculating. You have absolutely no idea what his actual issues might be, anymore than we do. Unless, of course, you are claiming to be a doctor AND have conducted an actual examination of Natalee's soft wiener guy. Otherwise, it is becoming tiresome to see you continue to pound your unsupported opinions of what his particular issues are as facts.

And while you are curbing your more fallacious commentaries, you might also want to stop comparing his disingenuous and hurtful behavior to Natalee's reluctance to disclose that she is a dancer. It is not the same. First, she was simply reluctant to disclose how she earns her living for fear of being judged, but even so ultimately did. His issues, however, revolve around continued reluctance to acknowledge and manage his own problems, so much so that it has likely impacted his relationships for many years, yet he continues to deflect blame and is making Natalee experience ongoing pain.

Now if Natalee is willing to take on the burden of working with this guy then all power to her, but in a relationship this young, and in light of his own unwillingness to accept responsibility for his own problems, she certainly has no obligation to do so. It shouldn't fall upon her to push him to go to a doctor or even to give him her approval to do so - you'd think that a grown man in his mid-thirties, who has been having issues and has even been previously engaged, would have done something about this long before now. And who really knows WHAT his particular issues actually are? There is a lot of uncertainty and potential difficulty in going down this path, so Natalee has to decide for herself whether it is worth it to her and I for one would certainly not blame her if she said fuck this and just found a good man without all of the head or other issues.

Anyway, just my :twocents:

unbeleavable
11-02-2012, 09:27 AM
Rick, you make some good points. Nobody really knows whats going on in their bedroom & playing Doc. on Internet only adds speculation. Flip the script on most men & they would either leave or cheat. There is a thread in the lounge about how important is sexy time & most will agree that life is to stressful to have to deal with it in the bedroom.

Plopplop
11-02-2012, 11:28 AM
Plop, yes you ARE speculating. You have absolutely no idea what his actual issues might be, anymore than we do. Unless, of course, you are claiming to be a doctor AND have conducted an actual examination of Natalee's soft wiener guy. Otherwise, it is becoming tiresome to see you continue to pound your unsupported opinions of what his particular issues are as facts.

perhaps its tiresome for you but shouldnt be for natalee. I listed facts and symptomsthat are experienced by most who go to doctors. Anyone who bothers with a simple research will find that.

we do know what his symptoms are. She told us. Again, seen in tons of patients.

im just a former medicine student, ive had exposure to patients but very limited, but like i said my close friend is a urologist and confirms this is the case of most of his patients. Again, please do a basic search on the issue before doubting.

can i/he claim to make a full diagnosis online? Of course not. Which is why i told her to go see a doctor.


I bet you the doctor can finish every sentence about every symptom that theyll tell him about. Hes seen hundreds of the same case.

heres what my friend told me is most common " gets hard when manually stimulated, sometimes has morning erections. Gets hard when making out but can lose it quickly. Gets hard in oral sex. Some can get hard during sex but can sometimes lose it if they change position or stop."

Sound familiar? Congratulations. It does to millions of others as well.



Sex is extremely important and bad sex will make ur relationship fail. Tis is why sex issues should stop being a taboo and become a simple matter. Go to dr, see what he says, see how ur bf accepts and deals accordingly, then decide. Thats my advice. Its not some long painful journey. Its just two steps. If you think hes worth it. If not, good luck with the next one.

SuperJa
11-02-2012, 02:08 PM
perhaps its tiresome for you but shouldnt be for natalee. I listed facts and symptomsthat are experienced by most who go to doctors. Anyone who bothers with a simple research will find that.


OMFG STOP.


EVERYBODY is telling Natalee that he needs to get checked out. The reason people are saying she should drop him is that he would rather blame her for the problem than get checked out. Which is an abusive behavior.

He might have ED, he might be gay, his penis might fall off tomorrow. NOBODY KNOWS. The thread wasn't "Please tell my bf what is wrong with him over the internet", it was "My new boyfriend can't stay hard" looking for SUPPORT.

The issue is, if Natalee's SWL won't go get himself checked out, he's got to go. And that's it.

Plopplop
11-04-2012, 03:54 AM
OMFG STOP.


EVERYBODY is telling Natalee that he needs to get checked out. The reason people are saying she should drop him is that he would rather blame her for the problem than get checked out. Which is an abusive behavior.

why do so many get upset when someone doesnt say the exact same thing they are...

Anyway, natalee said he was open to going to see a doctor. So while he did not do the perfect ideal thing which is to go himself (which isnt something most do), he did display an openness to do so.




He might have ED,

He does when you use ed to include the psychologically related cases as well.


he might be gay, his penis might fall off tomorrow. NOBODY KNOWS.

No. All the quirky explanations that people came up with are not applicable. ED is not socially discussed as much as the flu or whatever, but if it was youd all know he simply has ed. Anxiety, blood pressure, hormones, etc..... The cause isnt determined yet.


The thread wasn't "Please tell my bf what is wrong with him over the internet", it was "My new boyfriend can't stay hard" looking for SUPPORT.

First, natalee was feeling upset because she thought it was her fault. I believe exposing the true medical facts on this issue is the only way to let natalee know it really isnt her fault and has nothing to do with her.

Presenting the honest facts and practical ways and solutions is always the best support anyone can give to a person imo.


The issue is, if Natalee's SWL won't go get himself checked out, he's got to go. And that's it.

I completely agree 100%

dallylama
11-04-2012, 08:49 PM
My last BF hadn't been with anyone in a long time before me and had performance anxiety. I got him to take Viagra a couple of times - once his confidence was restored he was able to ditch the meds and we had a good sex life. :-)

Nuclear Martini
11-05-2012, 04:27 PM
Have sex with a hot guy who can keep it up and you will forget this loser fast

rickdugan
11-06-2012, 05:37 AM
why do so many get upset when someone doesnt say the exact same thing they are...

No, we get upset when someone continues to throw out pure speculation as bonified fact, such as providing a diagnosis based upon limited information and, even further, making unsupported claims about the efficacy of treatment when he has no idea what treatment will actually work or how long it will take.

You come across as someone with an agenda here and I am sensing a lot of empathy from you for the guy involved. Fair enough, but your need to defend this guy is leading you to vastly simplify what can be a complex issue, both in terms of the underlying problem and the potential course of treatment.


Anyway, natalee said he was open to going to see a doctor. So while he did not do the perfect ideal thing which is to go himself (which isnt something most do), he did display an openness to do so.

It is more than the ideal, it is his responsibility. It is not Natalee's responsibility to horsewhip a guy into fixing his penis issues, as much as you keep spinning it as such.

And if anxiety or other head issues are really the cause AND if his emotional problems are such that he has made it to this point, and firebombed several relationships in the process, rather than help himself, then he sounds like an emotional wreck to begin with and Natalee might be well served in finding a man who doesn't crumple so easily under pressure. And I'm sorry if that sounds uncharitable, but I'm here to give Natalee the best advice that I can, not to champion the cause of a broken man.


He does when you use ed to include the psychologically related cases as well.

No. All the quirky explanations that people came up with are not applicable. ED is not socially discussed as much as the flu or whatever, but if it was youd all know he simply has ed. Anxiety, blood pressure, hormones, etc..... The cause isnt determined yet.

Once again you are diagnosing, even as you claim that you are not. Nobody knows what his actual issues are and trying to make firm conclusions based upon a limited set of facts set forth on a discussion board is just plain dumb. Further, even if his issues are psychological, we have no way of knowing if it is simple anxiety or some deeper problem.


First, natalee was feeling upset because she thought it was her fault. I believe exposing the true medical facts on this issue is the only way to let natalee know it really isnt her fault and has nothing to do with her.

Presenting the honest facts and practical ways and solutions is always the best support anyone can give to a person imo.

You mean presenting your own brand of speculation as facts and airbrushing over the potential seriousness of his issues.

countedcrow
11-08-2012, 03:43 AM
http://youtu.be/z8yA_NtmADM

Plopplop
11-09-2012, 06:34 AM
No, we get upset when someone continues to throw out pure speculation as bonified fact, such as providing a diagnosis based upon limited information and, even further, making unsupported claims about the efficacy of treatment when he has no idea what treatment will actually work or how long it will take.

You come across as someone with an agenda here and I am sensing a lot of empathy from you for the guy involved. Fair enough, but your need to defend this guy is leading you to vastly simplify what can be a complex issue, both in terms of the underlying problem and the potential course of treatment.

Youre late. Someone already implied i had ed myself. Lets not get into childish personal remarks. I wouldnt take it as an insult anyway. Plus it would only make me more qualified to answer.





It is more than the ideal, it is his responsibility. It is not Natalee's responsibility to horsewhip a guy into fixing his penis issues, as much as you keep spinning it as such.


its not her responsibility. But its something she can do. My point was that this issue has a lot of social stigma and embarrassment around it, which makes it uncomfortable for men to being it to the open.

Plus even for medical issues that are silly, patients often only go to the doctor when theyre encouraged by their loved ones. Its no big deal



And if anxiety or other head issues are really the cause AND if his emotional problems are such that he has made it to this point, and firebombed several relationships in the process, rather than help himself, then he sounds like an emotional wreck to begin with and Natalee might be well served in finding a man who doesn't crumple so easily under pressure. And I'm sorry if that sounds uncharitable, but I'm here to give Natalee the best advice that I can, not to champion the cause of a broken man.

Once again you are diagnosing, even as you claim that you are not. Nobody knows what his actual issues are and trying to make firm conclusions based upon a limited set of facts set forth on a discussion board is just plain dumb. Further, even if his issues are psychological, we have no way of knowing if it is simple anxiety or some deeper problem.

lol. Theres a misunderstanding on terms here. The problem is already identified. The causes are not.

However, when the doctor will test the patient, there are a certain number of possible reasons, which, im sorry to disappoint some in the thread, do not include the ones theyre imagining.

Theyll perform blood tests for hormones and other things, do a blood flow test, test the penis itself for nerve responsiveness, etc...

Usually when a patient can get erections frequently, it turns out to be anxiety and stress related. Sometimes its compounded by a minor problem in another physiological area.

but anyway, itll either be physiological and often times treatable, or anxiety related which is often times treatable as well.

now whether u think a person worth being with should not need help, thats your own personal choice. If requiring counseling or some sort of medication makes him unworthy, again its personal choice.


my own view is shaped by a very biological view of the human body (even anxiety is after all a biological process), and i think people should start seeing these issues as what they are, and how they can fix them, instead of pulling them into the stupidities of societys ignorance and judgemental views.


Anyway, im repeating same things in each post at this point. Please do ask a doctor or research it, dont expect u to take my word for it.

rickdugan
11-09-2012, 08:38 AM
Youre late. Someone already implied i had ed myself. Lets not get into childish personal remarks. I wouldnt take it as an insult anyway. Plus it would only make me more qualified to answer.

And let's not try to dictate how the conversation is framed or try to take a high road that doesn't exist. My exact words were that I am sensing a lot a lot of empathy from you and that you have an agenda, which I believe is leading you to act like an apologist for his bad and emotionally weak behavior. I still believe all of these things, even as I continue to refrain from speculating as to why you feel the need to defend him.

As for the rest of your post, nobody is debating what type of testing that doctors would perform, nor is anyone (or at least me) saying that he is inherently a bad person because he has erection problems. What we are saying is that he has behaved poorly and that he is emotionally weak for not dealing with this problem himself, irrespective of your generic platitudes. It IS a big deal when a guy goes 7 solid months, in a new relationship, completely unable to have sex like a man and is causing emotional pain for his current partner in the process (and likely past partners) and it IS a big deal when he obfuscates and even flat out lies about the existence and longevity of his problems.

It is also a cause for concern that his problems are this severe at this young an age. Most ED problems occur at later ages and develop over time. The "loved ones" pushing these guys to seek treatment generally have a lot more of a time and commitment investment with their partners than Natalee does. Also, his relative youth is a cause for concern not only because physical capabilities only worsen as we age, but because efficacy of treatment can be muted by both psychological issues AND prolonged use of ED treatments. Net-net, your airbrushed "oh it's no big deal and can be simply treated" comments are far from certain in both the short and, most especially, longer terms.

I agree that HE should seek treatment and get the facts, but given (1) the severity of his problem; (2) how it is making her feel; (3) the fact that he has compounded the hurt by lying to her; and (4) his overall emotional weakness in managing his own problems long before he made it to Natalee's doorstep, I won't sit here and say that she should make his problems, which may go on in one form or another forever, her own. It is not like she is his wife of 20 years - this is a new relationship where he played games right out of the gate and continues to do so now.

krchab99
11-12-2012, 08:54 PM
Holy crap I think we're dateing the same guy lol

Redwolf
11-13-2012, 08:35 AM
(I'm a regular poster on here, but I've had to change my username)

He had mentioned before that at first he was surprized that I wanted to date him, and he has said that he thinks that I will leave him eventually. He also said that he never has random sex, and that sex is very meaningful to him. He keeps saying that he knows nothing about me and that I am very mysterious.

I don't know what the problem is, and I don't know what to do. I'm worried that he isn't over his ex. and that is the problem, though he says that he is falling head over heels for me etc. and that I better not break his heart.

Thanks girls for any advice :-)

Natalee, it sounds like you really do deserve better.

These are your words that set off alarms about your guy:
-surprised that I wanted to date him (either very bad esteem or some game)
-thinks that I will leave him eventually (who tells someone that kind of shit?)
-never has random sex and it is always meaningful to him (sounds like he is saying what he thinks you might want to hear)
-knows nothing about (that is fine after a couple of dates but hasn't it been a while)
-I better not break his heart (again who tells someone that?)

None of us - including the wannabedoctor who took a couple classes of med school - knows all the details that you do. But from what you have told us, there seems to be a lot of manipulation on his part. And manipulators can go fuck themselves . . . and then maybe he can get himself hard and you can have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who treats you right.

carmen_b
03-05-2013, 10:18 PM
Someone asked for an update but I had faded off this site ( and LEFT the guy whose ween didn't work ).
We are Facebook friends though so I get to see how he gained 15-20 pounds in the last year and he gets to see pictures of my fabulous island life. Haha.

AvaAnais
03-06-2013, 01:41 PM
My boyfriend (also mid/late 30s) was like that when we first started to get sexual. It was an emotional/mental thing for him. He had just gotten out of a long term relationship, and he couldn't really get and stay hard until a couple of months in, when we were in an "official" relationship.

carmen_b
03-06-2013, 11:46 PM
^ That's almost cute to me. It shows that he wants an emotional link.

Babybunny
03-10-2013, 10:44 PM
Dump him. He's a weirdo that can only get hard with porn or some sick fetish. If you're vanilla you're asking for heartache. But if you're into it and he has alot of money marry him and spend all his money. After awhile of being married you won't want to have sex anyway so it will be great.

slowpoke
03-11-2013, 06:58 AM
We know you cant fix someone else. Try to work on fixing yourself.

loryl77
03-14-2013, 08:49 PM
babygirl u r not the problem ur bf needs viagra and he is not comfortable about addressing the issue or taking responsibility for it. He is used to being left cuz girls like u have tried to stick it out but eventually fuck around on him and leave him. He's lying a weak dick just don't happen like that.