View Full Version : Question for the men about dating
Kellydancer
02-11-2013, 09:23 PM
I was supposed to go talk to him last week about this but have been suffering severe bronchitis since Christmas and pretty much hibernating. I am to the point where I am laying it on the line. I need to because it has been months and he is doing goofy things. Plus, I actually have other men who are interested in me (so-so towards them)so the sooner I know, then I can plan accordingly.
Here I am, a retired dancer who knew how to hustle yet I can't tell him I like him, go figure. I think part of it is there are other factors like we know the same people and involved with the same things. I have told men in the past I was interested with mixed results.
Kessler
02-28-2013, 06:00 PM
Any updates?
And I'm not sure why, but the women I've always fancied send mixed signals. And them women I'm not interested in make it very clear.
WTF is that? Maybe I should always pretend I'm not interested?
Kellydancer
03-03-2013, 01:40 AM
So far not a major update but I went into his store and chatted quite a bit and he's starting to get a bit touchy feely with me. Not grabbing my boobs or anything like that but shaking my hand then holding it and smiling. He then mentioned he had no life and wanted me to hang out with him at the Legion (he's an officer)and play darts. I told him fine but he needs to tell me when because I won't just walk in (though most are regulars and know most of them). He actually smiled and said he was happy to see me and "oh good I have time to talk" (he owns a store and is often busy).
On behalf of shy, balding, old guys everwhere, thanks for the boner. :) Just ask him out.
Themwhitefolks
03-11-2013, 12:05 PM
Ask him out. He'll dig it.
safado
03-11-2013, 03:02 PM
Ask him out. He'll dig it.
It sounds like he is either a lost cause or a closet homosexual.
slowpoke
03-11-2013, 04:01 PM
It sounds like he is either a lost cause or a closet homosexual.
It may be he is one of those people who does not recognize subtlety
simone87
03-11-2013, 04:12 PM
wow this sounds like my old boss BIG TIME. almost scary. balding, middle aged, officer, hangs out at legion, single, shy, socially akward, hasn't had a gf in years, etc. holy crap. what state do you live in again??
safado
03-11-2013, 04:16 PM
It may be he is one of those people who does not recognize subtlety
Or maybe his name is Forrest.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmyRzoEgwDg
Kellydancer
03-11-2013, 04:36 PM
I live in Illinois but I doubt he's your boss because he doesn't employ anyone, though it does sound like him to a t. Then again he could have employed people in the past in another job.
Ironically the other day he friended me on FB and when I missed an event he told me how much he missed me.
Kellydancer
03-18-2013, 04:48 PM
Another update but he admitted to me he is interested and wants to take me out on a date.
Kessler
03-18-2013, 06:19 PM
Nice! Congrats, Kelly - hoping the date goes well :)
simone87
03-18-2013, 06:21 PM
nice! i hope it turns out for you both! good luck :)
Themwhitefolks
03-19-2013, 06:45 AM
It sounds like he is either a lost cause or a closet homosexual.
Lol yup. I just didn't wanna be the one to say it, lol. I just hate to see ppl want something really bad and not reach out for it...why I told her to ask em. Lol she's been giving us the complete play by play; this thread is a little old, so if he hasn't made his move by now, he's either gay or married. Or just not that into you. Lol.
Kellydancer
03-20-2013, 11:45 AM
Thanks, I know this will go well but it took awhile for him to make a move. He needed encouragement.
Kellydancer
03-20-2013, 11:48 AM
Lol yup. I just didn't wanna be the one to say it, lol. I just hate to see ppl want something really bad and not reach out for it...why I told her to ask em. Lol she's been giving us the complete play by play; this thread is a little old, so if he hasn't made his move by now, he's either gay or married. Or just not that into you. Lol.
I figured he was into me but wasn't sure. I knew he wasn't married and doubted he was gay either. In his case he is very shy (I'm talking extremely introverted)where he needs to get to know people before doing anything. He has told me he was also intimidated by me because he's not handsome and he is very insecure about his looks. Normally I would have moved on (and I did keep my dating options open and still met other men)but I figured I would see where it was going.
dered693str
03-24-2013, 02:25 PM
HIMany men are very shy around pretty women becasue they may have not dated for quite a whileAsk him what night of the week he has open for dating he will be happy Dave
Kellydancer
03-25-2013, 02:35 PM
I'm going to see him sometime this week so I am going to mention about meeting at the Legion for a drink. He's the one that suggested this because both of us are involved with it and known by most/all of the regulars (the majority who go are regulars). I did earlier but having been sick and still very cold here hasn't made me very ambitious to leave the house. Spring is on its way though so this is when we are planning to get together.
Kessler
03-25-2013, 08:01 PM
Hope all goes well, Kelly!!!
Kellydancer
03-29-2013, 10:28 PM
Thanks I think it will be wonderful. He is everything I desire in a man and more.
Golden_Rule
04-26-2013, 02:06 PM
OK, Kelly, the short and sweet of it:
You seem like a nice person. He seems like a nice person.
Having mutual friends and points of interest in considering starting an actual dating relationship that might have some longevity is a good thing. It means you will have things to do and talk about and a social circle to do and talk about them in.
Stagnation though is like death to a relationship, especially in the beginning, so one of you needs to be decisive. If he can't, and you want this, then you are elected.
Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen, and when you realize it's not that bad and the upside potential is so much better than what could possibly go wrong, screw up your courage and just come out with it.
Point out that you feel you have both been dancing around the edges of it and ask him to do something simple with you, like coffee. It will progress from there if it is meant to.
I wish you the best of luck, but you won't need it. Go out and seize the day by the short and curlies. 8)
wishing well...
Golden_Rule
04-26-2013, 02:10 PM
I'm going to see him sometime this week so I am going to mention about meeting at the Legion for a drink. He's the one that suggested this because both of us are involved with it and known by most/all of the regulars (the majority who go are regulars). I did earlier but having been sick and still very cold here hasn't made me very ambitious to leave the house. Spring is on its way though so this is when we are planning to get together.
OK, I saw this after my initial post.
If the legion is something you both have in common than go to it. Just make sure you progress from someplace that has a lot of people you know in it, like a legion hall, to one where you have some modicum of privacy. It will allow for the talk to get more intimate [I didn't say sexual, I said intimate]. This will allow you to get to know each other better since it's easier to talk openly in such surroundings.
Kellydancer
05-03-2013, 01:49 PM
Long story short he asked me out last week but I was unable to go out (I had a job assignment that day). So I think we are going out next weekend. I know right now he is very busy (he owns a business and one of the things they sell are fishing equipment which apparently is the season for this)but he did say he plans on spending the summer with me.
Kellydancer
05-05-2013, 03:36 PM
OK, Kelly, the short and sweet of it:
You seem like a nice person. He seems like a nice person.
Having mutual friends and points of interest in considering starting an actual dating relationship that might have some longevity is a good thing. It means you will have things to do and talk about and a social circle to do and talk about them in.
Stagnation though is like death to a relationship, especially in the beginning, so one of you needs to be decisive. If he can't, and you want this, then you are elected.
Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen, and when you realize it's not that bad and the upside potential is so much better than what could possibly go wrong, screw up your courage and just come out with it.
Point out that you feel you have both been dancing around the edges of it and ask him to do something simple with you, like coffee. It will progress from there if it is meant to.
I wish you the best of luck, but you won't need it. Go out and seize the day by the short and curlies. 8)
wishing well...
Thanks. It is something we have been kind of beating around the bush about and it needs to have a resolution. I am going to tell him we either need to go to the next step or stay where we are and go nowhere (and I start looking elsewhere). I knew going in I would have to go slow and I was fine with him getting to know me but we have known each other a year and have spent time together and know we at least like each other as friends if nothing more. There is another obstacle to this story and that is my dad has become involved with the Legion as well and they are working on a project together. We are comfortable with each other to the point where I think I can be blunt and say how I feel because I am suspecting he thinks I like him just as a friend.
Kellydancer
05-28-2013, 09:45 PM
Finally getting somewhere. I noticed he has been dying his hair (he is going grey which is common at 50)and I mentioned it to him. He responded with "I'm doing it so you will be interested". Apparently he thought I wasn't interested in him.Long story short but we are going on a double date with mutual friends who are pretty close to both of us and we are going downtown Chicago. He said "I can't wait for the summer so I can spend it with you". The only question is when because he owns a store and one of their big items is bait food for fishing. But yep he wants to go out with me. I had a feeling he was interested because of what he has been doing and saying. Even I noticed his mom keeps asking me questions that made me think she is looking at me as possible girlfriend/wife material such as what church I attend (oddly same one as them).
LoveHerButton
05-28-2013, 10:03 PM
yeah! He is definitely interested. Probably was just going slow because you seem to know so many of the same people. You should go fishing with him sometime. Just him and you.
rickdugan
05-29-2013, 07:16 AM
Kelly, just get him out and rock his world already. ;)
At our age (I think you and I are about the same age), subtlety and long courtships are a waste of precious time. I was partially joking of course, but you get the idea.
Good luck!
Kellydancer
05-29-2013, 12:58 PM
I definitely don't want a long courtship but I suspect that once we do get going we will get married within 2 years (or sooner). I can't explain it but I think we will be engaged not long after dating. Yes that is definitely premature to say but I just feel it. The chemistry is definitely there when we do things together and it is growing.
Redwolf
05-29-2013, 05:01 PM
Have you guys finally been on a date?
Kellydancer
05-29-2013, 08:40 PM
Not yet but we are very soon. A lot of it depends on his business and how he can work around that.
Chili Palmer
05-30-2013, 10:43 AM
I think George RR Martin writes faster than this relationship is going.
CP
safado
05-30-2013, 02:08 PM
Why does this thread remind me of threads started by PLs waiting for a date with their ATF to actually materialize? :shrug:
simone87
05-30-2013, 02:11 PM
wait, you haven't been on a date yet? damn i thought you guys were like in a relationship now! i'd say find somebody more assertive who can show that he's serious and wants you!
Kellydancer
05-30-2013, 08:47 PM
We are going out this weekend and yes it has been slow (and I was losing interest with the slowness)but I hope it will be worth it. Normally I wouldn't wait (and I was still dating other men so not really waiting)but he is such a great guy and extremely shy.
Btw it sounds a lot worse than it is. We see each other very often at events and hang out together at them. However he has other personal matters (a business and an elderly mom)that need to take priority over me and I understand that. We have held hands and hugged and he is becoming closer to me.
Kellydancer
07-02-2013, 03:57 PM
Ugh here's the update though nothing has been finalized (again). I asked him when we were going to go out on a date downtown and he said "oh I asked a couple of people to come with us" I said it was supposed to be us and another couple and he got weird (though he was the one who mentioned the four of us). Then on Saturday I decided once and for all to find out if he wanted to go out and if he liked me (I sound like a teenager writing that)and he said he was drunk and he didn't want to discuss it now but would next time he was sober.
So yeah this is frustrating and I am going to see if I can find someone else. Not likely though because I tried online dating and failed and the men I meet never fit my main requirements like same religious views and childless (will not budge on this ever). Oddly he does fit what I want to a T which is hard to find. This is the only reason I keep waiting. A few months ago I did online dating and continued to meet guys but nothing clicked.
simone87
07-02-2013, 04:06 PM
^ that sucks!! but it sounds like he's just not that into it. his loss. you deserve somebody who will treat you like the goddess you are, every woman does! that was definitely a brush off IMO.
safado
07-02-2013, 04:10 PM
Ugh here's the update though nothing has been finalized (again). I asked him when we were going to go out on a date downtown and he said "oh I asked a couple of people to come with us" I said it was supposed to be us and another couple and he got weird (though he was the one who mentioned the four of us). Then on Saturday I decided once and for all to find out if he wanted to go out and if he liked me (I sound like a teenager writing that)and he said he was drunk and he didn't want to discuss it now but would next time he was sober.
So yeah this is frustrating and I am going to see if I can find someone else. Not likely though because I tried online dating and failed and the men I meet never fit my main requirements like same religious views and childless (will not budge on this ever). Oddly he does fit what I want to a T which is hard to find. This is the only reason I keep waiting. A few months ago I did online dating and continued to meet guys but nothing clicked.
Actually you sound like the PLs who post on the pink side about trying to get a date to actually happen with their ATF. I think you are best off to find someone else who is actually interested in you.
Kellydancer
07-02-2013, 05:36 PM
Well there are men interested in me but am not into them but am planning to meet them. Why? simply put to use them for everything I can get. Since I will never get any of the men I truly want, then I will date men I don't want.
Kellydancer
07-02-2013, 05:41 PM
^ that sucks!! but it sounds like he's just not that into it. his loss. you deserve somebody who will treat you like the goddess you are, every woman does! that was definitely a brush off IMO.
Sadly, the men who would treat me good are uggo men and that saddens me. Of course this guy is no handsome man himself and I know I deserve better. There's one guy from a dating site who I've been talking to for several months and sounds nice but he's an atheist and a hunter. He is never married and childless though. Another guy is never married and childless and wants to date me but he's obese. Dating someone I am not into is better than no guy at all (though would prefer that to lowering my requirements which I won't do.
I have a free profile on Match and am going to post my photo and see who responds. If I get better than the older men and dads last time I will renew but if not, I'll delete it again.
LoveHerButton
07-03-2013, 12:51 AM
he didn't want to discuss it now but would next time he was sober Follow up and ask him what is going on.
rickdugan
07-03-2013, 08:59 AM
Not likely though because I tried online dating and failed and the men I meet never fit my main requirements like same religious views and childless (will not budge on this ever).
Kelly, I can't help but believe that you're really hurting your chances of finding a good man by excluding guys with kids. IME most men who manage to make it to their 40s and older without having children are freaks or have commitment phobias. In fact, the odd behaviors of these guys who you've been chasing just confirms this IMHO.
When I was dating in my 30s, I felt somewhat the way that you did. I was cautious about dating women with children. I would date a single mother, but only when: (1) she had been married to the father of her children; (2) the guy left her rather than the other way around; and (3) the ex was well out of the picture. If a girl was popping out kids out of wedlock, lacked the commitment to provide a complete home for her children and/or had ongoing baby daddy drama, then it was a no-go for me. But I wasn't going to rule out a good woman who did everything she was supposed to, but ended up divorced anyway simply because she married a guy who didn't hold up his end.
I say all of this with the best of motives as I've seen you posting about these issues for a few years now and I am really rooting for you. Is there no room at all for guys with older kids, such as mid-teens and older (hence not dealing with young children) and in situations where the wives chose to break up the families through no fault of the guys?
Anyway, just a few thoughts and good luck with this!
oldster
07-03-2013, 09:00 AM
I dunno
10 months and counting.
There are a lot of guys on match.com, you at least get to go out on a date
Sure lots of assholes but lots of nice people too. As always, it is up to you to tell the difference.
This guy seems to have a serious fear of something, probably not just you
Kellydancer
07-03-2013, 11:24 AM
Kelly, I can't help but believe that you're really hurting your chances of finding a good man by excluding guys with kids. IME most men who manage to make it to their 40s and older without having children are freaks or have commitment phobias. In fact, the odd behaviors of these guys who you've been chasing just confirms this IMHO.
When I was dating in my 30s, I felt somewhat the way that you did. I was cautious about dating women with children. I would date a single mother, but only when: (1) she had been married to the father of her children; (2) the guy left her rather than the other way around; and (3) the ex was well out of the picture. If a girl was popping out kids out of wedlock, lacked the commitment to provide a complete home for her children and/or had ongoing baby daddy drama, then it was a no-go for me. But I wasn't going to rule out a good woman who did everything she was supposed to, but ended up divorced anyway simply because she married a guy who didn't hold up his end.
I say all of this with the best of motives as I've seen you posting about these issues for a few years now and I am really rooting for you. Is there no room at all for guys with older kids, such as mid-teens and older (hence not dealing with young children) and in situations where the wives chose to break up the families through no fault of the guys?
Anyway, just a few thoughts and good luck with this!
Nope no chance at all. I have dealt with men with kids, even grown up kids and no way. Even if the kids are grown they might still be supporting them and dealing with the drama. I don't want to support their kids or have to take a backseat to the kids or even the exspouse. It's a bit different with men because usually the ex is not out of the picture, unlike dating single moms. I know several guys who date single moms and they never dealt with the ex but that has never been the situation with me when I dated single dads. Then there is the fact that unless they were annulled there is no way they can have a Catholic wedding (and essential for me). Even though I am 42 I am not giving up on having my own kids (biological or adoptive)and want any children I have to not have half brothers and half sisters.
Thanks for your good wishes and I am sure things will work out. Maybe this guy will get his act together or someone else will come around just like him. I know some great guys who married even in their 50's who are great guys (mostly concentrating on careers) so I have faith I will get one of them.
Kellydancer
07-03-2013, 11:27 AM
Follow up and ask him what is going on.
I'm going to let it lie for awhile and see what he does. Last time he got weird I backed off and he flocked to me. He knows I'm no clingy woman so that helps.
I dunno
10 months and counting.
There are a lot of guys on match.com, you at least get to go out on a date
Sure lots of assholes but lots of nice people too. As always, it is up to you to tell the difference.
This guy seems to have a serious fear of something, probably not just you
Tried Match before and failed. It has been several years though so I am considering it in the fall. Luckily I live near Chicago which has a lot of single men.
ETA: This answers why I avoid men with kids:
"In Illinois, courts may now consider income of a parent's new spouse on an equitable basis when determining child support. In Illinois and similarly-minded states, courts are no longer required to ignore financial resources contributed by a new spouse. Instead, Illinois courts are free to give consideration to whether new children are brought into the household through remarriage, the ability of one to support himself, and contributions for health insurance, health expenses, daycare, and other discretionary factors."
LoveHerButton
07-05-2013, 10:41 AM
Kelly, I have seen a friend's second wife become a wedge between him and the three kids he had with his first wife. The second wife has done major damage to his relationship with his kids and she even has a kid of her own. So I think you are alright by not wanting to date a man with kids.
but, you may be setting too many filters.
Kellydancer
07-05-2013, 01:14 PM
In my case I don't think I would be a wedge but the reality is the drama and financial are things I can't handle. I did date a couple of dads and resented it because they never had money, never could make definite plans with me because of the kids and so many other issues. The idea of supporting his kids and possibly the ex-wife horrifies me. Not to mention the religious aspects, such as unable to marry in church without an annulment and that is important to me. I don't believe in civil marriages and would resent that too, especially if he did it with his first wife. The only way I could date a divorced dad (without kids)is if his first marriage was civil, like a brief Vegas marriage. I did meet a never married childless man on a dating site but he is atheist and told me he would be open to marriage, just not at a church. This would be a serious problem for me too because I am very involved with church.
With this guy though only the time will tell. He didn't reject me of course, he had been drinking. I am backing off about this for awhile and see what he does. Last time I backed off he approached me so this time he may as well. Also keeping options open.
safado
07-05-2013, 01:38 PM
In my case I don't think I would be a wedge but the reality is the drama and financial are things I can't handle. I did date a couple of dads and resented it because they never had money, never could make definite plans with me because of the kids and so many other issues. The idea of supporting his kids and possibly the ex-wife horrifies me. Not to mention the religious aspects, such as unable to marry in church without an annulment and that is important to me. I don't believe in civil marriages and would resent that too, especially if he did it with his first wife. The only way I could date a divorced dad (without kids)is if his first marriage was civil, like a brief Vegas marriage. I did meet a never married childless man on a dating site but he is atheist and told me he would be open to marriage, just not at a church. This would be a serious problem for me too because I am very involved with church.
With this guy though only the time will tell. He didn't reject me of course, he had been drinking. I am backing off about this for awhile and see what he does. Last time I backed off he approached me so this time he may as well. Also keeping options open.
I think that you should go to Brazil to find a husband, it is the most catholic country. Brazil population:193,946,886 percent catholic 84.5% total number catholic 163,885,118 vs U.S. population: 315,498,000 percent catholic 23.9% total number catholic 75,404,022, see link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic_Church_by_country
I am sure that you could easily find a favelado meeting your requirements that is willing to marry you.
Chili Palmer
07-05-2013, 03:38 PM
Relevant concept?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNAB3Xhy96s
CP
safado
07-05-2013, 05:23 PM
Relevant concept?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNAB3Xhy96s
CP
I clicked on the link expecting to see this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgyg8vEHraE
Kellydancer
07-05-2013, 10:38 PM
Well I'm not black but I wouldn't tell anyone to settle because they will end up divorced anyway. I can't speak Portuguese so Brazil is out though I do speak Spanish. The Catholic aspect isn't the most important, the having kids is.