View Full Version : Question for the men about dating
oldster
07-07-2013, 05:57 AM
Kellydancer
You are doing what many many woman do at your stage of the game. You have created a list of requirements that conveniently rules out most of the potential mates. This is not unique. Additionally, the requirements probably rule out the men you actually want. If a man has not been married or had kids by the time he is 40, odds are high that it is because either no one wanted him[read loser] or he is a player.
Why not ditch the rules and date some nice men, give some men the chance to fall in love with the goddess that you are?
While I am probably on the wrong website to put forward the hypothesis that men have a brain, it is possible that a man who truly loves you can find the time to worship you properly in between little league games or college visits.
As someone who has gone through the annulment process, it is not that bad[my ex had been married previously so off the hook]
In the end I am trying to tell you that the men you have selected are bound to be more problematic, less likely to get what you want out of your life, than the ones you have excluded.
Throw this one back, he is not a keeper
Kellydancer
07-07-2013, 04:39 PM
No, still not interested in a dad because no he can't spend time and money on me, among other reasons. For me being religious I would only consider men who are childless and able to marry in church. Otherwise I see no purpose in marriage and there is no way in hell I want to pay for his kids or am second to them. I am very staunchly about never dating men with kids and firmly believe in most cases he should have stayed with the woman. I refuse to accept his drama or financial aspects AT ALL and nope will not come second (or later)to his family nor am I going to struggle financially because of them. I'll keep my money instead of supporting his family and I want his money and mine to go towards our family household ONLY not his other family. They can't worship me (whatever that means)because they are too busy spending time and money on the kids with the woman they should be with instead of trying for me in most cases.
I firmly believe I will find the man I want and will not settle no matter what. I know great men who married after 40 or even 50 and these guys were far better than the single dads I encountered. All of them were professional and in great shape and financially secure. The single dads are rarely any of these, especially financially because they are supporting a family and possibly an ex (and expect their new wife to support the family, hell no).
My rules don't eliminate men I want but men I don't, which is non religious men or men with children. I refuse to be miserable and settle for what I consider a loser (and yes prefer this guy over a dad no matter what).
simone87
07-07-2013, 05:24 PM
yeah i think the other people who said a man who has never been married or had kids is probably kind of a loser ..has relationship issues/asshole who nobody has wanted to settle down with/ somebody who just can't hold onto a real realtionship...but do you have a problem with a man who has been married or just one that has kids? what about men who have kids who are adults and doing their own thing? i know my dad certainy doesn't support me, just sees me here and there, so not all dads are supporting their kids still. some men have had their wives die as well, or the woman took off. i've met a lot of great men like that. but its better to remain single than settle, although maybe give one a chance if the situation is different for them. i think you are right to back off with this guy, its been almost a year and he hasn't made a real move or really shown you that he's into you..he's also supporting his mother, so that might suck if you don't want a man who is involved caring for somebody else and not being able to really concentrate on the relationship. i think you deserve better than that
tuesdaymarie
07-07-2013, 05:31 PM
I think you might want to consider the fact that most men who are childless by choice at your age are used to the lifestyle and will not want to spend the next two decades of their lives (until they are around 60) raising and funding a child. They will be wanting to retire when that kid is planning to go to college. That's a huge undertaking, and few people who have spent most of their lives not wanting children will sign on for it.
safado
07-07-2013, 07:18 PM
I think you might want to consider the fact that most men who are childless by choice at your age are used to the lifestyle and will not want to spend the next two decades of their lives (until they are around 60) raising and funding a child. They will be wanting to retire when that kid is planning to go to college. That's a huge undertaking, and few people who have spent most of their lives not wanting children will sign on for it.
Yes this^. When I was in my 20s and up until about 35 I wanted to get married and have kids. When I was in my 20s the women that I ended up dating were focused on either their careers or school and had no plans of getting married. I got engaged in my early 30s but that did not work out actually that helped cure me of wanting to get married. At this point I am happy just dating around, having meaningless no strings attached sex with women I barely know, and also traveling out of the country. At this point in my life I would need to get married and have kids like I would need a hole in the head.
Kellydancer
07-07-2013, 08:17 PM
yeah i think the other people who said a man who has never been married or had kids is probably kind of a loser ..has relationship issues/asshole who nobody has wanted to settle down with/ somebody who just can't hold onto a real realtionship...but do you have a problem with a man who has been married or just one that has kids? what about men who have kids who are adults and doing their own thing? i know my dad certainy doesn't support me, just sees me here and there, so not all dads are supporting their kids still. some men have had their wives die as well, or the woman took off. i've met a lot of great men like that. but its better to remain single than settle, although maybe give one a chance if the situation is different for them. i think you are right to back off with this guy, its been almost a year and he hasn't made a real move or really shown you that he's into you..he's also supporting his mother, so that might suck if you don't want a man who is involved caring for somebody else and not being able to really concentrate on the relationship. i think you deserve better than that
Because I don't want the drama or financial responsibility and do not want to be denied the opportunity for a wedding. I would rather never marry than marry some loser unable or unwilling to marry in church. Sure some older men have issues but to me a man who is a divorced dad is just as much of a loser as a never married because why did he break his marriage vows? sure there are SOME men with valid reasons just as there are with never married men. Even if a guy isn't taking care of his kids still there will be drama so NOPE. I have a lesser issue with a divorced man who is childless and might consider one but he would have to be amazing (as in handsome and well off)and no drama and able to marry in church (like his first marriage was in Vegas or a courthouse).
I am asking people if they know a better guy so who knows maybe someone does. I have faith I will find what I desire and have met several Catholic never married childless men so I know they are out there.
I think you might want to consider the fact that most men who are childless by choice at your age are used to the lifestyle and will not want to spend the next two decades of their lives (until they are around 60) raising and funding a child. They will be wanting to retire when that kid is planning to go to college. That's a huge undertaking, and few people who have spent most of their lives not wanting children will sign on for it.
I'm okay not having kids and prefer that definitely to a man with kids. A man with kids and an ex? YUCK.
Kellydancer
07-07-2013, 08:19 PM
I don't know why people hound me about dating dads because this is a DEALBREAKER and always will be. I consider divorced dads (and worse never married dads)men who made too many mistakes and I am not interested in fixing their mistakes. In Illinois often the step parents have to support the kids even past college so nope not interested.
oldster
07-08-2013, 05:50 AM
I for one am not trying to hound you about anything, and apologize if it seemed so. I was merely trying to suggest that you take full advantage of the options available to you. If there is 'drama' involved in a relationship it has little to do with whether there are children involved, and more to do with having chosen the wrong person.
Kellydancer
07-08-2013, 11:14 AM
The thing is most people I know who divorced with children are the ones with something wrong. This whole "if someone isn't married by 40" is SO bullshit because the people who didn't stay married (except in small instances such as abuse and infidelity)are the ones with definite warning signs. I know so many men who married after 40 and even 50 because they were concentrating on a career, didn't meet the right woman etc. The men who divorced with children often got divorced for things like "she got fat" or "we didn't love each other". That's a huge warning sign to most people but many would think these divorced guys are better spouses than those who were shy or working on a career.
I for one am not trying to hound you about anything, and apologize if it seemed so. I was merely trying to suggest that you take full advantage of the options available to you. If there is 'drama' involved in a relationship it has little to do with whether there are children involved, and more to do with having chosen the wrong person.
If a person chose the wrong person to have children with that is a BIG warning sign. Even if there is little drama with kids (very unlikely)there is still the issue of child support. Even if he has college student kids he is supporting them and I would have to as well. If they are a bit older (not likely as I date men within a few years of my age)he might still be supporting them. Simply put I am not interested in being a step mom at all if there is a mom in the picture, I don't care how old the kids are.
simone87
07-08-2013, 11:22 AM
its probably good, because women who don't really want to be stepmoms make horrible step moms..like fairy-tale horror stepmothers haha, so maybe it is a good thing that you don't want to be with a guy with kids.because if you can't love the kids as your own then you really shouldn't be a stepmom, and at least you realize you don't want that..many women don't want that and still date guys with kids, and it makes everyones lives hell
Kellydancer
07-08-2013, 11:29 AM
The thing is I love kids but HATE the drama and financial. Why would I want to be a step mom? Step moms end up doing work and getting nothing in return. I would end up supporting the kids and putting my life on hold but wouldn't be their mother. Instead I would be compromising my values for a couple who couldn't stay married. As for loving the kids as my own, THEY WOULDN'T BE MY OWN BECAUSE BABY MAMA IS IN THE PICTURE. The kids would never consider me mom.
yoda57us
07-08-2013, 01:30 PM
I think this thread has moved away from it's original intent at this point and seems to be going around in circles. Kelly, you've done an admirable job of telling us what you don't want in a potential mate. I wish you the best of luck in finding Mr. right but if you want to keep talking about it on SW I would suggest starting a thread in Life Support or some other more appropriate section.
Thank you all for participating.