View Full Version : What do you tell your kids you do for work?
Lovelyme
11-14-2012, 04:54 PM
The phrase "mommy spends time with people and makes them happy, and they pay her for it" is a GREAT phrase for younger kids.
Yup.. you tell them that if you want to be battling the court system to get your kids BACK. All they have to do is tell the teacher "Mommy told me she spends time with people and makes them happy and they pay her for it". I'm sure that teacher would love to know more.
But I don't think that there is really a major difference between sex work, sex, and even menstruation in this case.
:O
What would you do if your 12 year old revealed that they only got the tinglies when they saw someone sneeze? Would you tell them that it is a fetish and normal, or freak out and make them feel bad about it?
:O ... lol... what?
Also, I wanted to add that I don't really think that it's terribly wrong for a kid to watch pornography.
:O
I don't know how I missed these but thanks ladies I'm officially creeped me out.
BlkSharpie
11-14-2012, 05:00 PM
Yeah, I mean, it does scare me.
If a father were to say he encourages his son or daughter to talk about their sexual fantasies with him, so that he can assure them that they are normal, and he was cool with them watching porn all hell would break loose.
Well...maybe not, I mean I guess for those who feel its a parents role to do things like that, then it wouldnt matter. But....oh boy times like this though, Im glad Im an only parent. If her father was around and shared this viewpoint about talking about sexual fantasies and that porn is okay for kids, there would be some *major* issues. MAJOR.
ManyRoses
11-14-2012, 05:58 PM
Yup.. you tell them that if you want to be battling the court system to get your kids BACK. All they have to do is tell the teacher "Mommy told me she spends time with people and makes them happy and they pay her for it". I'm sure that teacher would love to know more.
:O
:O ... lol... what?
:O
I don't know how I missed these but thanks ladies I'm officially creeped me out.
You seem to be missing the point that I was making about mentruation, puberty and porn. These are comparisons between other things that involve the body or genitals that parents need to discuss with children. There are ways to do it that does not involve unnecessary detail, physical contact or general creepiness. The idea that to tell a child that you work in porn involves making them watch you is COMPARABLE to telling a child about her period by making her look at yours. Clearly, analogy is going over your head here. This is like comparing our job to an office job, comparing a difficult conversation about one topic to another topic. Searching for the broader similarities for the sake of clarity.
It really sounds like you don't want your child to be able to come to you with ANY sex questions. You don't want them to be able to come to you with questions or concerns about what is "normal" or "ok", or really talk about ANYTHING beyond the basics of puberty and impregnation. I don't think that it is "putting ideas into a child's head" to have a discussion with them when they have questions - and in any case, ideas will be put in their head by SOMEONE, no matter what. Media, friends, internet....I would rather that I put things into their head and frame them so that they grow up confident and not ashamed. I would seriously worry that if you avoid having ANY conversation about anything beyond ultimate vanilla that the poor kid is going to have to work through possibly years of self-discovery, therapy, etc to try to feel normal.
As for natalia's comment, I wonder what age she means. I will refer to someone as a "child" in this conversation up until the age of 18. As I have said in pretty much every post, the level of information given is going to depend on the age and maturity of the child. The quote above about "mommy makes people happy" was originally given to tell a FOUR YEAR OLD what you do - four year olds don't usually have teachers, seeing as kindergarten starts around age 5.....you are acting as though everyone is talking about a 5 year old!!! I wouldn't let a tiny tot watch porn, but I'm not going to freak out if my 13 year old picks up a playboy.
Lovelyme
11-14-2012, 06:15 PM
It really sounds like you don't want your child to be able to come to you with ANY sex questions. You don't want them to be able to come to you with questions or concerns about what is "normal" or "ok", or really talk about ANYTHING beyond the basics of puberty and impregnation.
It doesn't make any sense to go back and forth about this when you don't even read my post.
When did I ever say I don't want my child to ask me any questions? Clearly you're reading what you want to read or
just making up things as you go. Oh wellz..
GlamourRouge
11-14-2012, 06:22 PM
Your kid is not going to tell you they know- especially if you have always been closed off to them about what you do for work. They will just keep it to themselves, but they'll know. I mean, everything my mom tried to hide from me, I figured out (almost by accident each time- not even on purpose). I just never told her I knew. Nothing having to do with work in this case, but just in general. And so many friends too, would tell me all their family *secrets* they discovered, yet their parents had (and probably still have) no idea they figured it out. Kids are wayyyyyy smarter than you think.
ManyRoses
11-14-2012, 06:22 PM
LMBO! @ TMI! TMI! la la la la la I can't hear you. I'd probably do the same thing and lock myself in my room until she goes away for a little bit LOL!
I also think talking about girl meets boy stuff is totally fine but anal and fetishes are things they should learn/make decisions on their own. My mom never told me about anal nor did she talk about fetishes - ha I couldn't even imagine her talking to me about such.
I DID read your post. These are the points where you said that you would not want to answer/talk about a kids questions on fetishes. You DIRECTLY said that if your child asked you about a fetish, you would run away and lock yourself in your room.
Then, in the post I quoted, you made a shocked face at the thought of a child trying to ask if it is normal to have a sneezing fetish - and said that the idea creeped you out.
Lovelyme
11-14-2012, 06:38 PM
I DID read your post. These are the points where you said that you would not want to answer/talk about a kids questions on fetishes. You DIRECTLY said that if your child asked you about a fetish, you would run away and lock yourself in your room.
Um.. actually I was joking with Sharpie so you're way off there. Why would I run away and lock myself in the room because she asked about a fetish? The thing about these forums is you don't know when someone is joking or not and THEN (and only then) I WAS actually joking about "running and locking my door".
Then, in the post I quoted, you made a shocked face at the thought of a child trying to ask if it is normal to have a sneezing fetish - and said that the idea creeped you out.
Most parents don't talk to their kids about fetishes. My mother did not talk about fetishes OR anal with me
and I turned out just fine ;-). I don't have any fetishes and I do not enjoy anal. I will stick to my position that talking to them about such
is unnecessary (unless they ask). That is something I will let them learn on their own. I mean seriously - are you going to be in the room when they first have sex and move their hips for them too? Again, I find your comments very creepy and bizzare. Let's just agree to disagree. If it works for you, keep doing it.
ManyRoses
11-14-2012, 06:54 PM
Um.. actually I was joking with Sharpie so you're way off there. Why would I run away and lock myself in the room because she asked about a fetish? The thing about these forums is you don't know when someone is joking or not and THEN (and only then) I WAS actually joking about "running and locking my door".
Most parents don't talk to their kids about fetishes. My mother did not talk about fetishes OR anal with me
and I turned out just fine ;-). I don't have any fetishes and I do not enjoy anal. I will stick to my position that talking to them about such
is unnecessary (unless they ask). That is something I will let them learn on their own. I mean seriously - are you going to be in the room when they first have sex and move their hips for them too? Again, no offense at all but I find your comments very creepy and bizzare. Let's just agree to disagree. You keep doing things your way.
I have repeatedly said that I am talking about going into detail about a fetish IF THEY ASK. Each time I have said "what would you do if your child asked about this".
Maybe you see no issues with this BECAUSE you don't have any fetishes or enjoy anal, so you have never had to go through the misery of wondering if you aren't normal, if there is something wrong with you because you are turned on by something that other people aren't. You are very, VERY lucky that you have never had to go through this. You are incredibly lucky that the stuff that turns YOU on is the same stuff that is viewed by society as "normal" and acceptable. Maybe I would prefer to tell my kid that this stuff IS normal, rather than hope that they either don't have any fetishes, or are miraculously able to get the right information about it all on their own. I would prefer to be able to reassure my child that there is nothing wrong with them, give them some basic info, and point them in the right direction to learn more.
Seriously, what is more damaging, having your mother give you a little talk about fetishes, or wandering into FetLife, and seeing explicit photo and videos or extreme masochists, prolapse, violence, and the most extreme stuff that freaks out even hardened sex industry vets? You are very right when you say that kids are curious - that if they want to know something, they will find out about it. SO I would rather they find out about it from ME first.
And NO, clearly I am not going to be in the kid's room. Or was that another "joke" despite the fact that you prefaced it with "seriously"? DO you really think that just because I want to be able to make sure that my child is well informed, that I would cross that line? WTF?
But you can bet your ass that I want to make sure that EVERY experience in my child's life is as easy and painless as possible. And that means that I am going to give them advice about it. That means that when anal is becoming just as normal as vaginal sex, I am going to find a way to make sure that my kid knows how to go about it so that they don't freaking DAMAGE themselves. That doesn't always mean sitting down, that might just mean pointing them to the right information. But if your kid can't talk about it with YOU, how are they going to have the confidence to talk about it with the guy that they are madly in love with, that is pressuring them?
Really, the tradition of mothers giving daughters (and fathers/sons) advice about sex is as old as time - it just makes sense to me that it should change when the norms around sex change. When women were expected to lie back and take it, mothers gave advice on how to relax, how to make it hurt less, and how to heal afterwards. When we grew out of that, mothers gave advice on birth control, and the basics. Now that fetishes, porn, fantasy, etc are becoming more and more a part of daily life (and THANK GOD are starting to be viewed as normal), why not include that in "the talk"?
Lovelyme
11-14-2012, 07:06 PM
\
Seriously, what is more damaging, having your mother give you a little talk about fetishes, or wandering into FetLife, and seeing explicit photo and videos or extreme masochists, prolapse, violence, and the most extreme stuff that freaks out even hardened sex industry vets? You are very right when you say that kids are curious - that if they want to know something, they will find out about it. SO I would rather they find out about it from ME first.
You are totally over exaggerating. As I just told you, my mother did not talk about fetishes with me and I am just fine with it. Hell I've done fetish camshows and I sure as hell am not traumatized by them. I actually did stumble on fetlife and saw those "explicit" photos and thought "My goodness that's gross" to some. However, I found some fetishes that I actually found appealing but not all. You really think stumbling on fetlife and seeing those pictures is going to ruin someone? C'mon now. Not even a little bit.
DO you really think that just because I want to be able to make sure that my child is well informed, that I would cross that line? WTF?
I'm not going to answer that.
ManyRoses
11-14-2012, 07:10 PM
You are totally over exaggerating. As I just told you, my mother did not talk about fetishes with me and I am just fine with it. Hell I've done fetish camshows and I sure as hell am not traumatized by them. I actually did stumble on fetlife and saw those "explicit" photos and thought "My goodness that's gross" to some. However, I found some fetishes that I actually found appealing but not all. You really think stumbling on fetlife and seeing those pictures is going to ruin someone? C'mon now. Not even a little bit.
I never said that it would "ruin them" - but that finding videos and photos of extreme fetishes is more damaging than having a talk about them. I am amazed that you are appalled at the idea of a child watching porn, but seem to think it is ok for a child to go on FetLife. Um - FetLife includes vast amounts of PORN. Either you are ok with a kid seeing porn (in which case, FetLife is ok) or your aren't (in which case, FetLife isn't). Make up your mind.
Lovelyme
11-14-2012, 07:22 PM
I never said that it would "ruin them" - but that finding videos and photos of extreme fetishes is more damaging than having a talk about them. I am amazed that you are appalled at the idea of a child watching porn, but seem to think it is ok for a child to go on FetLife. Um - FetLife includes vast amounts of PORN. Either you are ok with a kid seeing porn (in which case, FetLife is ok) or your aren't (in which case, FetLife isn't). Make up your mind.
Uh...
This was my post
You are totally over exaggerating. As I just told you, my mother did not talk about fetishes with me and I am just fine with it. Hell I've done fetish camshows and I sure as hell am not traumatized by them. I actually did stumble on fetlife and saw those "explicit" photos and thought "My goodness that's gross" to some. However, I found some fetishes that I actually found appealing but not all. You really think stumbling on fetlife and seeing those pictures is going to ruin someone? C'mon now. Not even a little bit.
Where did I say I was underage? Read the part about doing fetish camshows.
I was 19 years old when I started camming.
I stumbled on fetlife while camming NOT as an underage kid.
I had no clue people were into such things until I stumbled on fetlife/and femmedommesociety.
My point was that NOT telling them about fetishes will not hurt them as it did not hurt me. I found it on my own
and I am not traumatized by it...
I will say it again - you continue to make things up as you go.
It is NOT right for kids to be exposed to pornography on their own or by their parents PERIOD.
ManyRoses
11-14-2012, 07:31 PM
Uh...
This was my post
Where did I say I was underage? Read the part about doing fetish camshows.
I was 19 years old when I started camming.
I stumbled on fetlife while camming NOT as an underage kid.
I will say it again - you continue to make things up as you go.
It is NOT right for kids to be exposed to pornography on their own or by their parents PERIOD.
But this thread is about CHILDREN. You did not say that you were underage, neither did I. However, I am being consistent. I am consistently talking about a CHILD.
I said that I would rather talk to my child, than have them go on fetlife and find these things on their own.
Therefore, if your reply was only about it being ok for an ADULT to go on fetlife, it has absolutely nothing to do with the thread. We are talking about what it is ok to tell CHILDREN.
You are all over the place with your argument - are you talking about children? Adults? You? Why bother telling me that you think it is ok for an adult to look at fetlife when the discussion is about how to deal with a child (or, teenager, who I am considering a child here) who has a fetish?
And you still have not answered the question. What would you do if your child come to you at 13 or 14 and asks about a fetish? You don't want to talk about it with them, as apparently it is creepy and wrong to talk to your child about fetishes, but you don't want them looking stuff up online on their own, watching any porn....
ManyRoses
11-14-2012, 07:35 PM
As for "making it up as I go"...hmmm. Every. Single. Post. Has consistently said the same thing.
- I would tell my child the truth, to whatever level of detail is appropriate to age and maturity.
- I would talk about fetishes, porn etc as a way of providing information
- I want to provide a lot of information so that my child learns to have what I consider to be a healthy view of sexuality, and does not grow up to believe that fetishes or sex work is "wrong"
- I would rather my child learns about these things from me, and then maybe from resources that I provide/point towards, rather than plunge into the depths of internet research alone
Throughout, I have talked about children. Throughout, I have talked about the importance of age-appropriate conversation. I have stayed firmly within the hypothetical situation of "what do you tell an underage person". I have provided analogies and comparisons for the sole purpose of supporting my points.
BlkSharpie
11-14-2012, 08:39 PM
That means that when anal is becoming just as normal as vaginal sex, I am going to find a way to make sure that my kid knows how to go about it so that they don't freaking DAMAGE themselves.
As my grandmother would say "Lord forgive me..." before saying something she knew was not going to be a crowd pleaser... But Lord forgive me I laughed out loud when I read this!! So imagine me in a nice posh bar, there listening to my ex play some nice jazz, and I was all literally like the LOL Rage Face.. :D
I mean, for you to say you are going to make sure and find a way to teach your child how to have anal sex so that they dont damage themselves...thats kind of...wow. During break, my ex asked me what had me cracking up (cause yeah, I was visibly tickled!) and I told him about this convo. He was all perplexed, had no words, but the other guy was like...soo..is she also going to teach her daughter how to give a blowjob so that she doesnt get lockjaw? LoL
I mean, seriously. Anal sex is not something you have to sit down and teach your kid to do so that they dont damage themselves....it has been going on since before Jesus was born...proof enough to me that its something that if its a desired activity, it is something that will come naturally and isnt going to end up as drastic as damaging their body from doing it. Besides, the joy in sex period is the exploration, the journey and the learning as you go what you like, what you dont like, and how you like to do it.
Like, its one thing to teach your kids *about* sex...and another thing entirely to teach them *how to have* sex. The act itself is an instictive act that doesnt need to be taught, but explored with the partner of choice. And Im sure no kid would choose their parent as the partner of choice to teach them how to have sex.
I will wholeheartedly agree with you on one thing though, and that is that you are indeed very consistent. Just like you are going to find a way to make sure you teach your child how to have anal sex, you have not wavered in wanting to be involved in every aspect of your childs sexuality. Do I think that is strange? Indeed. But like I said, only you know your child...maybe they are incapable of being able to develop within themselves sexually without your help.
Ive heard of mothers arguing with bosses over why thier child didnt get the job, or going into the college to talk to the professor for their child. Kiddo and I have talked about that, and shes told me she would just die if mommy walked in and handled things for her that she should be able to do herself be it now or as an adult... Just the idea that I dont think shes capable of doing basic things on her own would make her second guess herself, like of all people, if even your own mom thinks your not bright enough to do things everyone else can do on their own, that would seriously suck.
I dont want her to be completely lost without me there to do everything for her, think for her, and tell her what to do all the time....my whole goal is to raise her to be a self-sufficeint, self-functioning adult. Im here if she needs me, but oh man, Im not going to insult her or her intelligence by insisting she needs me to tell her exactly how to do something as basic and instinctive as sex, with the idea that otherwise she might damage herself.
But hey, I can only keep repeating, only your child, and if you are so sure that they they cant have sex without you teaching them how, then you know what, by all means. Do what you have to do to make sure kiddo doesnt end up damaging themselves trying to do it without you.
I still think its wild though....a person damaging themselfs trying to have sex cause thier mom didnt teach them the proper way to do it :D
Im not laughing at you, Im just laughing at the idea...because truth be told, I do know a lot of mothers who do everything for their kids and feel their kids cant function without them telling them how to do everything. Its not that uncommon really, I mean there are mamas boys and girls who depend totally on mum and dad for everything even as adults, but I do have to say, its def a first for me to hear a parent say their kid will damage themselves with sex if if they dont teach them how to do it.
Lovelyme
11-14-2012, 09:03 PM
Sharpie, That was a really GREAT post.
You are right about mothers that can't let their kids function by themselves. I have an aunt like this and every-time she comes around her daughter.. her daughter has that face like "Ah hell no NOT you again!" LOL! Kiddo is smart so she'll figure a lot of things out herself. I will give her basic knowledge about sex. That doesn't mean I'm going to teach her about gangbangs while I'm at it. The helping a child figure out anal so she doesn't "damage" herself comment is the strangest one I've read on sw. MR needs her own reality show. I would watch. You can't make this stuff up.
HaydenBlue
11-14-2012, 09:22 PM
Slightly off topic.
Just to put this in perspective of a person who's parents/sex ed taught me nadda about sex. I wish I was educated/informed on some things. Like, I'unno that I had a CLIT. lol. Seriously - makes me so angry that I had parents who shyed away from discussing sex and sex ed that just told me I was going to have sex to pop out a baby and that was it.
I envisioned my sex life as boring and I was going to spend every night on my back in the missionary position. Probably why I got so involved in BDSM and camming. Sexual freedom, bb.
And I agree with MR - You CAN damage your ass, if you kid is learning from just porn and you give them zero guidance - adult women and men fuck up their asses all the time because they try to copycat porn. If your daughter and her boyfriend try to do it they are most likely going off of porn/word of mouth via friends. "Just shove it in" type of guidance.
Obviously you explain it to them when they are sexually active and you wouldn't be like "get in this position, etc" but yeah, "always go slow, use lots of lube, don't use desensitizing lube, stretch it open fingers, toys, then cock" is very helpful. It's not diving into your kids sex life and asking personal questions. It's educating them on how to have safe sex. Especially your ass, you can tear and damage tissue if you go to fast too soon.
I genuinely wish someone had explained sex toys to me and explained the difference between shitty toys vs toys that won't give me an allergic reaction.
What the hell is wrong with informing and educating your children on sex - especially when the school system isn't helpful? Um, oh right - nothing.
ManyRoses
11-14-2012, 10:11 PM
Thank you Hayden!!! As someone who has seen people end up hospitalized with internal bleeding from someone just shoving it in when "trying" anal sex, hell YEAH I am going to protect my kid. The idea that you "can't damage yourself from anal sex" is freaking hilarious. Again - you must be DAMN lucky if you have only ever had pleasurable, or non-damaging anal sex. Lucky, LUCKY you
There is a HUGE difference between giving your child information and meddling in all aspects of their life. If you take that tack, then why tell your kid ANYTHING about sex. Why not let him/her figure ALL of it out on her own? Why bother telling her anything - just let her figure it out on her own.
I am amazed that there is apparently no middle ground for you guys. Either you are telling a kid nothing, or you are giving them illustrated diagrams and buying them butt plugs. Must be nice to live where there is no grey area.
Oh, and I also was having a conversation with my partner over dinner, and he made a point that hasn't been made yet.
Paraphrasing "if my mom did porn, and I was a teenager, HELL YEAH I would want to know. I can't imagine anything more traumatizing than jacking off, of watching porn with your friends when you are 13 (you know how teenage boys are obsessed with the "look at this!" thing...) and suddenly seeing your mom! I would MUCH rather deal with the awkward, and then know basically how to avoid actually seeing it, rather than have it totally hidden, and then suddenly - BAM - MOM PUSSY. "
BlondebombGA
11-14-2012, 10:45 PM
In the 80's when we first had cable, I quite enjoyed late night Showtime in my room and the titillating European dirty movies they showed. I was about 10 or 11. My parents were asleep, and this was prior to parent controls. Even quite younger, I found Playboy's etc. at my Uncle's house. I was VERY curious, and by no means was I some weird oversexed kid or did I have parents who were pro porn for kiddies. I was a normal, curious kid. So leave little Natalia Grey alone. I'm pretty sure this is what she meant. Kids doing it on the sly, and not having porno parties for your kids.
This was 30 years ago ladies. Do you realize how much things have changed??? It is EVERYWHERE! Of course I believe that children should be shielded from adult things, but as Glamour Rouge stated, kids are smart and curious. I am sooooo concerned for the sexuality of our youth in about 15 years. Can you imagine the sexual dysfunction and bizarre fetishes that will pop up from kids who have gotten their sexual education and come of age sexually while watching the weird extreme porn that can easily be found online in abundance? And yes, perhaps you would never let your kids have access to any of it, but newsflash...not every parent is paying attention to their kids and what they do. The parents of your kids playmates may not have strict guidelines with their cable or internet. So instead of beating everyone up here...all of us sex workers here, including yourself LM, why don't you discuss what to do when questions come up...because they will.
BlkSharpie
11-15-2012, 07:11 AM
Just got to say...Im going to have to throw in the towel.
The whole idea that its my responsibility to tell my daughter how to stretch her ass, play with toys and when to put a cock in her kind of blows me away
But being told if my daughter ends up bleeding and sobbing from sex, its my fault cause I couldve prevented her sexual assualt really did it for me.
I would never wish bad on anyone, and the more I think about it, the more upset I am.
I may not agree with your view, but I would never even think of or suggest that something bad happen to your children.
That was uncalled for, its gotten way too personal and pretty cruel. So Im going to stop here.
aberrant
11-15-2012, 08:42 AM
I'm going to post briefly from the perspective of the child (I'm 19, so it wasn't that long ago)
My parents talked to me about sex in the sense that they gave me the birds and the bees talk, told me to be safe and told me there was nothing wrong with sexuality. They didn't go super into detail, but if I had had a question I could have gone to them.
It would have been weird for me if my parents had given me details of how to have sex, (or anal sex, fetishes, etc) but that doesn't mean it wasn't important for me to have that information. My parents sent me to a comprehensive sex ed class outside of school that taught me about porn, sex, fetishes, rape, masturbation and all that jazz in a non awkward, non shameful and friendly environment. I now have a healthy sex life, know how to be safe and am comfortable with myself.
I don't think it's the parents job to 'teach' your kids how to have sex HOWEVER I do think the parent should make that information available. Give your kid a book, send them to a class, refer them to a trusted friend to talk to, whatever, just don't make them go to the internet or a friend.
When I was 11 (so young enough that I hadn't had the talk yet) I stumbled upon horrible porn on the internet. It was the kind of rape porn where they pretend it's real. It really freaked me out, and I wish someone would have warned me and told me it wasn't real.
Basically, I can understand why a parent wouldn't want to talk about certain things with your kid, but when it comes down to it you're better sucking up your own comfort and being open with them when it is best for them.
And relating more to the OP. I wouldn't tell a 6 year old what I did, but once a kid hits puberty it seems like you have to unless you are *ridiculously* good at hiding it and positive your kid won't snoop or stumble on you online. I do think it's weird that someone would never want their kid really knowing them though. It would be crazy if I found out my mum had a secret job years later.
I think as long as you were smart about what you said, had laid the foundations for your kid to have a ok view on sex, and waited until the kid was mature enough, there's nothing wrong with telling them. Just.. no details >.>
simone87
11-15-2012, 11:47 AM
as mothers, we try to be the best parents we can be for our children ( i would hope) . we all have had different childhoods, different experiences with our parents talking about sex, and very different sexual experiences that formed who we are today, and we try to raise our children according to what we think would be best for them in that respect. no i dont support abuse-like exposure to young underage lil children, but all these posts certainly made me think a lot..there is a lot to consider, especially with how the american culture is towards sex
BlondebombGA
11-15-2012, 12:17 PM
This thread is so cray cray. I don't think anyone here is saying, "Hey, after we read Everybody Poops, Mommy is gonna show you what else you can do with your hiney hole." Seriously ladies. Didn't you guys ever see the original "Parenthood"? The Mom walks in on her son watching some rough porn, and the poor kid is so confused and guilty about his own sexuality that she asks her son-in-law to explain things a bit more in detail. It was a PG movie, but in RL I guarantee you the conversation would have been a bit more graphic. Kids are gonna see it or hear stories at some point, like we all did, so make it feel safe for them to come to you with any questions they have. Should you keep your camming toys and details private? Yes I think so, but I am not CPS. Questions are questions. Answer them in appropriate ways depending on the age of your child.
When I was a kid, and my Mom and Dad wanted private time she would tell us that Mommy and Daddy are gonna kiss and hug for a while so don't disturb us. We would say "Ewwwwww" and laugh. 5 seconds later I had forgotten about it. I didn't know what that actually entailed besides kissing and hugging, and I didn't care. I had more important kid stuff to deal with. Sometimes if a kid appropriate simple explanation is given, the moment passes.
I will agree with BlkSharpie on the privacy at home issue. My Mom made it VERY clear always that our home business stayed our home business. It was drilled into me, and I always followed that rule. I kinda still do.
BlkSharpie
11-15-2012, 05:58 PM
This thread is so cray cray. I don't think anyone here is saying, "Hey, after we read Everybody Poops, Mommy is gonna show you what else you can do with your hiney hole." Seriously ladies.
I know there's a lot going on in this thread, but...that is exactly what someone here was saying
but yeah, "always go slow, use lots of lube, don't use desensitizing lube, stretch it open fingers, toys, then cock" is very helpful.
And because I draw the line at graphically describing to my daughter how shes supposed to have sex and what I think she should do as opposed to letting her explore and develop her sexuality on her own...
If you take that tack, then why tell your kid ANYTHING about sex. Why not let him/her figure ALL of it out on her own? Why bother telling her anything - just let her figure it out on her own.
Followed by
Tell me how you'd feel if your child was in tears, bleeding, sobbing, which YOU could have prevented with just a little information
Because I dont agree with their opinion, if she is assaulted then its my own fault. (Leaving a girl bleeding and sobbing from sex is straight up violence, NOT her fault, and NOT my fault if a guy does that. Pretty low to even put that out in the universe as something that could happen to my child, then blame me instead of the attacker)
Too much for me.
Otherwise Blondie, I totally agree with being age appropriate, and making sure kids are comfortable asking questions. I will not go out of my way and make sure to tell her how to have sex as was mentioned earlier... but I have no problems talking with kiddo about sexual topics when she comes to me.
ManyRoses
11-15-2012, 09:20 PM
OK - first off, BlkSharpie, I apologize if what I said upset or offended you - not my intention. To be fair, I can see how that could happen, as I'd had a couple glasses of wine, and was frankly LIVID at being called "creepy and bizarre" (amongst other things). Not thinking as clearly as I could have been.
I'm also not talking about assault. I'm really thrilled that you have (presumably) never had a really bad anal experience - you are super lucky. But the way that I see it, things are moving towards a situation where young guys watch porn where anal appears effortless and expected, and young women are having conversations with friends where anal is almost EXPECTED to hurt a little, and then on top of that, I see terrible advice on the internet like "use numbing lube". I have had situations where I have been with someone and just had someone unexpectedly shove it in in the course of consensual sex, and by the time I have said "woah there buddy, not that hole!", he's managed to get straight in and I'm bleeding for three days. Not assault, not rape, just a product of misinformation and wine leading to someone overstepping a line. THAT is what I want to prevent - I want to make sure that in a time where anal seems to be pretty much expected as standard, that a kid is getting the right information so that IF they choose to do it, they do it safely. By no means am I attempting to suggest that "your kid is going to be assaulted and it is your fault.". Absolutely NOT. Seriously - consenting teenagers who don't know what they are doing are MORE than capable of doing serious damage accidentally.
And having read that last paragraph of the above post, I almost had to laugh. I feel like we have been violently agreeing with each other, and getting confused about what the other one means to say.
By no means have I ever intended to give the impression that I would sit a small child down, go through "what's happening to my body" and then give them detailed instructions and a run-down (including diagrams) on every single aspect of sex possible. I've been trying to convey that I think that it is important to make sure that a child doesn't think of sex as a bad thing, and is able to come to me with questions. I would choose the appropriate level of detail, and (as I said) possibly point them toward appropriate resources - I think that the concept of an outside sex ed class is incredible - I didn't even know that they existed! The idea isn't to give a run down on every fetish that exists, but to tell a child that sometimes people like to watch/do other things, and that is ok too. I feel like you are envisioning me making some 8 hour powerpoint presentation that includes roleplay scripts! NO! Absolutely not!
It's not a case of "going out of my way" to tell her things, any more than having a basic birds'n'bees talk is. It is just providing a little more info and resources to a child when they start to ask questions, so that they have a better picture that "penis in vagina, the end". It is also not the case of flooding a kid with all this as soon as they ask where babies come from, but drip feeding info over the period of adolescence, as things come up (so to speak...). So if we are watching tv, and something comes up about strippers all being trafficked sex slaves, I'm probably going to pause that and say "I just want you to know that that isn't always the case, ok? Sometimes, women chose to work in strip clubs, and that is nothing shameful.". When my kid gets their first boyfriend girlfriend that is serious, I will probably ask if I think they are having sex, and make sure that they have protection, and that he/she has resources to make sure that they are exploring safely, and that she is comfortable saying no.
That's all. Really.
What I was getting from your posts was that you wouldn't talk about fetishes, porn, etc EVEN IF THE KID ASKED. That you would not provide info about anything beyond penis-in-vagina. That you thought it ok for kids to go researching on their own, with absolutely no guidance, and that you didn't want to be asked questions.
Apparently, we were both getting the wrong end of the stick? Maybe it is a y-shaped stick.....LOL.
BlkSharpie
11-16-2012, 01:13 AM
I appreciate you writing that.... There are some things youve said that I dont agree with, but if Ive said anything negative, it was about your view, not you...would not call you creepy or bizarre or any other names. But yeah, it does seem we agree on a lot of things, maybe just saying it in different ways.
Like hey, I like watching forensics shows, violence, rape, murder all that stuff comes up. I dont have a heart to heart and make a discussion about it, but thats cause its not really my style...kiddo and I talk more like a father and son than mother and daughter...by that I mean, we convey a lot by saying very little ie Me: "Wow and can you believe stuff like that actually happens? Gotta watch yourself out there in the world"...kiddo: "Jeez, I know right?" Between us, we just packed a half hour conversation into two sentences. It works for us!
I am just a light-hearted person in general, its just not like me to have a heavy talk, and it does help things out esp if something is really bothering her and she needs to talk to me about something, its just in my nature to lighten the mood a bit. "Are you on drugs?" No! "Are you pregnant? " No! "Have you been texting while driving?" I cant even drive!! "Oakies give me what youve got..." By then shes at least cracked a smile and not feeling so nervous and upset and we can talk candidly without it being emotionally driven.
And hey, there are plenty of times when I give her advice, and she takes it for what it is...advice, and uses it to form her own plan of action. She def values my opinion and will ask me what I think about stuff, but at the end of the day, shes the one who has to make the choice what she does and shes at an age where I have no control over that. Shes *a lot* more outspoken and blunt than I am...so me saying "Do not allow anyone to make you feel that way, remove yourself from the situation and ignore them" turns into her coming home and saying "So I told her, dont you dare ever talk to me like that again or you and me are going to have some problems! Then I told her to get out of my face and ignored her for the rest of the day" Um...okay, not quite what I would have said....but that works too! :D Shes a lot like me...and yet, nothing like me. Kind of amazing actually!
ManyRoses
11-16-2012, 02:39 AM
^^^Now I am even more convinced that we are actually agreeing about stuff, just phrasing it in different ways.
YES - the idea is that your kid will take your opinion seriously, and ask for it. And YES, the idea is that they will use the information you give them to form their own ideas, and make their own lives out of it.
I really do feel like the idea of a "heart-to-heart" is something very different for both of us - I feel that even saying something very minimal counts as "talking about it". From what you have said here, I would say that you ARE "talking about fetishes" - because my experience has been that NOT talking about it means just that. The subject is ignored completely. The idea that anyone would want to do anything outside the bounds of "normal" sex is treated the same way as bestiality - there is an understanding that some, very messed up, people do that, but that is all.
I really don't think that wanting to talk to kids (or more accurately, teenagers) about this means a big deal, a giant talk, a huge production. It just means bringing it into the picture AT ALL. I imagine that you have an image of a very serious, owly feminist having a big ol' sit down....and it cracks me up. It's a very insidious, general situation, where concepts like anal and fetish are dealt with as a normal part of life, and resources are given openly, but not awkwardly.
I really wish that I could introduce you to my friend's daughter. I met her when she was around 13, and she is now 18. When she was younger, her dad (my friend) was dating a stripper, and he made no bones about what she did for a living. She was a stripper, she worked at x-club, end of story. And when she met me, she had zero negative associations with me stripping, because she was used to it - she had known strippers for what they were for years. I don't think that at any point he sat down and had some big serious convo about "this is what women do and it's ok" - it was just there. No biggie. That is what they did. When she had her first serious bf at 16, he straight up asked her if she was having sex. She blushed and said "yes", and he basically said "right. I know this sucks, but I am your dad, so we have to do this. Are you using protection? Do you need any? You know you can say no to anything, right? Yes? You know that here is where you can get info on other stuff? You know that if he gets you pregnant or breaks your heart I am going to rip his dick off? Good. Aaaaand...done."
The idea is absolutely NOT to make someone feel uncomfortable by over-providing info, but to make sure that you are prepared to give all the info you can, because these days, very little is off limits. It's not about pushing boundaries, it';s about being willing to discuss ANYTHING with your child so that they feel comfortable with it. (well - anything that you want your child to feel comfortable with!)
For me, it is always about creating a positive situation for sex, at the age where that is appropriate. It is about setting someone up so that they don't feel that a fetish is something to be ashamed of, where they are not going to have a horrible first experience and hate sex/anal/whatever from that point on. Its' not about encouraging, forcing, putting ideas in someone's head, over-explaining, anything like that. Just recognizing the level to which teenagers talk about sex, and working around that to create a positive sex experience.
BlkSharpie
11-16-2012, 12:33 PM
Youve kind of oversimplified the discussion drarea, it went quite a bit deeper that what you got out of it.
But all the same...the discussion calmed down a while ago :D So...no need to try and rile it back up again.
I think also, for the most part, even though there was a lot of passionate exchange, it was kept pretty civil.
And I really appreciate how most actually read and responded to what what the other was trying to convey.
Dont think this thread was stupid at all...even if I dont agree with another, I like knowing what other people think.
ManyRoses....totally agree with your last post there.
And yess...when the whole "we need to talk" thing comes up, I do think of some sort of drum circle pow wow type deal. :D
Like if its a heavy discussion, especially if its emotional, personal and necessary, Ill do it...but Im slowly dying on the inside. lol
drearea
11-16-2012, 12:44 PM
Youve kind of oversimplified the discussion drarea, it went quite a bit deeper that what you got out of it.
But all the same...the discussion calmed down a while ago :D So...no need to try and rile it back up again.
I think also, for the most part, even though there was a lot of passionate exchange, it was kept pretty civil.
And I really appreciate how most actually read and responded to what what the other was trying to convey.
Dont think this thread was stupid at all...even if I dont agree with another, I like knowing what other people think.
ManyRoses....totally agree with your last post there.
And yess...when the whole "we need to talk" thing comes up, I do think of some sort of drum circle pow wow type deal. :D
Like if its a heavy discussion, especially if its emotional, personal and necessary, Ill do it...but Im slowly dying on the inside. lol
The last pages (the discussion between you and MR) were the opposite of stupid, it was a great discussion. The first few pages were plain stupid, IMO.
Classy_Katy
11-16-2012, 12:46 PM
It wasn't all civil at all...
BlkSharpie
11-16-2012, 03:00 PM
I dont know... I guess because Ive seen so many disagreements online turn into knock down fights
where people just lash out and say the nastiest things that have nothing to do with anything,
but that all that was not only kept to a minimum even though we were all passionate about our views,
and we were able to keep it an actual discussion and come to an understanding does make me feel like this was pretty darn civil :)
ManyRoses
11-16-2012, 03:39 PM
^^^ I feel like with one (fairly obvious) exception, this DID stay pretty civil.
It is something that I love about these boards, and you ladies - I feel like any time that I have started to get into a "fight" with someone, it eventually gets worked through properly, and there are no leftover bad feelings. This is actually why I will KEEP posting, and not just throw my hands up and walk away - I have faith that we can always come to a point of understanding - if not always agreeing! For the most part, even the most emotionally-fraught topics end up reaching a point where everyone is fully explaining themselves, and it is being respected. Again - clearly, this thread had an exception to that, but as a general rule...
Classy_Katy
11-16-2012, 04:32 PM
It wasn't all actual discussion...there were personal attacks.
I dont know... I guess because Ive seen so many disagreements online turn into knock down fights
where people just lash out and say the nastiest things that have nothing to do with anything,
but that all that was not only kept to a minimum even though we were all passionate about our views,
and we were able to keep it an actual discussion and come to an understanding does make me feel like this was pretty darn civil :)
BlkSharpie
11-16-2012, 05:34 PM
I clearly said it was kept to a minimum, and in my first post about it said "for the most part"
Im not saying or insinuating that everyone was perfect and said all perfect things at all times.
Just saying that generally speaking, we were still able to maintain a discussion.
I was *only* speaking for myself, its fine if you do not think so.
And I am sooooo not going to get into an argument with you over it :D
And I agree Roses!!! After over 4 years of being on here, I only have one person on my block list
And its because she took things to a personal level that I can not ever forgive or forget.
On other boards, its amazing Im still on there, since I have damned near everyone on block :D