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roast
03-27-2013, 01:33 PM
Thanks for posting this - it was super brave, which I think... people are stepping over, especially given you wrote very explicitly that you were really aware of some of the criticisms people will (and have) focused on. Regardless of the red flags, I am sorry this happened, especially since you cant share it with your irl friends--- that has to be brutal, so you dont have many outlets. If you need support it may be helpful to explicitly say that to shortstop being further upset by responses? Honestly, I see why youd be offended up to now - this wasnt a pump and dump situation, it was a years worth of a relationship. This sounds very recent so youre a bit raw, and I think some of us arent being very sympathetic to that.... bc of course this is painful and youll be vulnerable and defensive, you were just rejected by someone you loved, so we're in a more blase place about a very very personal situation than you are.

You seem fairly aware it started off not well (very socially isolated, boundary breaking with customers, wanted a hookup went further than expected, knew you shouldnt have responded, unemployed, etc) so, youre not an idiot - so just wanted to highlight that. Most people have at least one 'oops' relationship we wished never happened.

The self-esteem point hidden beneath this kind of wayward 'tough love' thing is valid though? I think the delivery from one or two ppl is off though. Anyone can learn from self-esteem techniques and guidance in general, it isnt a value statement or negative assessment of you as a person, it really isnt. I know I need more selfsteem in general, always, like money no one can have too much selfesteem. For example, each relationship Ive ever regretted I wasnt in a good space personally, and anger-fucking a whore is really demeaning sex if youre not a happy consensual participant, nor should he have swerved in that direction... but self-esteem dictates how long that your threshold allows that kind of sex/behavior to be tolerated and how red... those red flags are to you before the plunge? It isnt a judgment call on you as a person in totality, I think where people are hung up on that is you seem to not believe a men can love you while you have this job.... and that isnt true. I cant describe the mechanics of how my relationship works but it works? A lot of the reason why it does and has for years is spelled out fairly well in the last paragraph of Annabellz post? IDK if that's helpful.... but if you need specific examples or explanations, catch me on SW's chat at some point? Shit, you can even talk to him if he's around.

Above all: Fuck him. Other people said it way better in many ways.

Im glad this is up as a cautionary tale - often cautionary tales of men falling for camgirls is full of weeping and tears from them, but women who have been in your situation often are berated by their peers into silence about it when our perspective often isnt seen or heard (uhhh Ive done the berating before Im sure, may end up doing it again, I hope I dont but undoing prejudice is hard... but isolation and loneliness is harder, so those of us who are impatient with these kinds of stories need to learn how to be more empathic). Ive seen a few success stories but a handful of brushed under the rug stories that sadly echo this kind of thing... I think as CC grows and the more and more new posters we have, this post will be very important for those who cam for hours, are lonely, isolated, and think "hey why not...".... so thanks for being brave enough to put this out there?

Reading the 'anger-fucking a whore' thing was crushing. IDK, I hope you are able to find some irl support or soothing... or go out rage dancing or anything more cathartic than posting here I guess.

Sam38g
03-27-2013, 01:43 PM
I know it is hard.
Been there way to many times.
In my teen years: it was: your boobs are to big
My 20's: your a stripper
My 30's: your to fat
Then in my 30's: your a porn star

I realized they all put their out on me. Cause I was all those things when they met me & I never lied.

Of course you internalize, of course it hurts.

Men lie. Then they get upset now because I won't show my vulnerable side & dont need them. They were never there when I needed them. All my tears went into my pillow alone.

One bf on the night of having emergency surgery & my appendix burst, broke up with me & called my a hypocrondriac.
One bf when I flew to Chicago to spend the weekend with him, never showed up at the airport. That was his way of dumping me. Never picked up the phone, never showed up. Just left me stranded at the airport for the weekend.
Not to mention the ones who just dropped off the face of the earth & never returned a phone call.
How about the one I lived with & paid 1/2 the bills, never used the money to pay bills with it & we were evicted. Had 3 days notice to find a place & come up with the money for deposits.

I know I had love, I know there was a connection. Then to be told it wasn't real, kills your soul. When you feel something & they said they did to, only to be laughed at & told different Kills a part of your heart. And I will never ever understand why someone thinks it is okay to do that to another human being just for some pussy.


I get it. Trust me you got off easy.

Sam

LaurenAus
03-27-2013, 01:54 PM
I hear all of that Sam thanks for sharing, and thank you Lacey for opening up and being vulnerable to us.

righteousbabe
03-27-2013, 02:37 PM
Ugh, I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. It sucks on a variety of levels.

You are a very intelligent person; you articulate yourself wonderfully and have both the gift and burden of being almost too insightful! Of course you're feeling very raw and vulnerable right now and that's totally understandable. When a little more time passes, I think you'll be able to see the situation more clearly too. This poor-excuse-for-a-dude was a user. And he totally copped out by using the excuse that he had to end the relationship because of your camming. People like him are riddled with insecurities and they can never seem to reflect from within...its way too easy to project outwardly and blame someone else for their own ignorance and issues. You know you're better off without him.

Still it hurts and it will for a while. I agree with those who suggest getting out, maybe make plans with friends or family so you don't become too isolated right now. I really don't think you have self-esteem issues, but you are feeling a lot of self doubt. To me, self esteem is about a person's core beliefs about herself and knowing that she has value, no matter what, as a human being. Self doubt, on the other hand, can be situational and while it usually passes, if you're a bit of an overthinker (like I am), self doubt can make you insane!

Being around others, getting out of your usual environment will be good for your soul. And living well, as they say, is the best revenge. :)

BlueBunny
03-27-2013, 05:31 PM
I agree with everyone else here who said your ex was insecure and this breakup is in no way "your fault", even though it may still hurt like a bitch none the less. Insecure men are controlling men. I can sort of see both sides. I inherited quite a dose of "craziness" from my dad. I can get insanely jealous over the smallest things in a relationship... But part of me realizes that's not sane and I try to rationalize feelings and facts till I can calm down, and eventually also obtain proof that nothing I imagined happened. I was worse about this in my younger years. I said this as a backstory to why some men can deal with dating cam girls while others can't.

It's about trusting the person and the relationship, and knowing in your heart that no other person can get in between. One has to put trust in the other person's "hands", and realize that it's up to that person to be faithful in sticky situations. That's ultimately what helps me calm down when I'm jealous. I know I love my partner and there's no one else out there I'm interested in, and I hope in return he feels the same way about me, because I certainly can't control what he feels. I can only offer him love and acceptance for who he is, with all his qualities and faults.

My partner is older than me by a bit, but he's fairly open minded, and early in the relationship we joked about selling my ass for spankings because finances sucked. He knows I cam now and he is ok with it (we live together). He said he's ok with it right now especially because we need the money... so it's not like I'm just doing it because I enjoy sharing all my "free" time with strangers. I am however extra careful to not work when he's around, or even mention anything that I have to do or say on cam. It would make me feel weird to sleep with him at the end of the day if I knew he heard all the BS I have to tell customers, because it's just all so fake lol

Even though he's confident in himself/us and supportive of camming, I feel more comfortable keeping work to myself. I don't know if some men who are middle of the road about camming might be more comfortable with their women if they never had to see or hear anything related to the field. I think I myself would have a problem emotionally if he was camming and told me things about his work or women he's talked to. Yuck. The "animal"/ purely emotional side of me definitely wouldn't handle it well.

LaceyCummings
03-27-2013, 08:14 PM
I read this article, and I found it to be very helpful and relevant to me. It is a great start at least. Thank you to everyone for pushing me in the right direction! I'm sure I have been overly defensive, as many have said, and I apologize. I appreciate your patience and wisdom. I think I will be done reading this thread, but I hope my experiences and mistakes are useful information to others. :)

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/stop-seeking-approval/

AshleyRed
03-27-2013, 10:22 PM
I was reading second page of the thread, then I've realized it's over 2am here and I GOTTA WORK EARLY TOMORROW x-x gotta sleep... so I'll need to reply based on the first page only (and beginning of second page). Hope I'll read the rest later tomorrow.

I've got a husband. He approves my camming and even helped me decide to go for it. He was with me when we picked up my HD camera and he was comemorating with me when the internet company approved my high connection plan today. He was even the one who requested it. Resuming the thing, he approves my camming and helps me out with it. He doesn't care I'm masturbating for some other guys as he knows it's business. My heart belongs to him only, and he's the only one who can have my body in real life hahahahah XD I'm not saying that to flatter myself, but to show there are guys who just don't care about this and invest into the relationship itself.

As I've read other girls' threads I may see I'm not alone: there are other guys like that. You need to look for more than sex, but a soul relationship. I know you cannot predict what to wait from a guy from the beginning, but you'll be able to realize later on... and don't be sad if it doesn't work out... just move on.

I don't find it hard, but it isn't easy either... it just is what it is, and there's no way you can find out untill you try it out. You just need to be strong in case it doesn't work. I know my case is a little different as my husband helped me decide into camming. Is it harder or easier than being a camgirl already and finding a guy who accepts it? I cannot judge. I just can be happy my husband understands, helps me out and even fucks me after I'm teased from a good day at work =D

EphemeronXOXO
03-28-2013, 03:34 AM
Dear Lacey,
Maybe it is because im not a native speaker, but for me it looks like you are a lil bit angry because of this situation and you see what you want to see out of these comments on your post. Noone ever judged you! The girls told you simply that him being an a-hole is not your fault!
You talked about that some of the reactions are offensive for you. Maybe it is me but the posts Ive read and I ve read them all were all supportive to you.
And you know sometimes it is okay to feel sad, crushed or fooled. Thank God we r girls, we can do that and dont have to be worry about what would people think...
And Im sorry it happened to you and personally want to thank you for sharing your story.
Asking for the advice of people who u dont know sometimes is more helpful than asking for help from who u do know. Because relatively strange people will tell you their objective opinions on you situation.
I have serious tragedies in my life and yes completely strangers helped me the most by not telling what I wanted to hear.
I tried to lie to others, but I couldnt fool myself. And now im suffering from months of bullshitting to myself.
Hope you understand what I meant to write and take care of yourself!
<3
Orsi

CummingCouple
03-28-2013, 04:59 PM
So you want a good story? Wow, I consider myself lucky even moreso than before reading this thread. I am the woman in the relationship and I started out solo, began camming in HIS(my fiance now) room at his house and people said the room was a mess and I needed to clean up in order to get customers... which ended up not being true. Fast forward about six months and we started doing it together. He has no problem doing it and he supported me from the very beginning. We are now past our new to camming phase and things couldnt be better. He is beyond supportive and his only motive is to make sure I'm happy. Those type of guys are hard to find, so dont be too hard on yourself. You'll laugh down the line about how things work themselves out. The losers are everywhere and ya gotta kiss a few frogs to find your prince. To be honest, I am the type of woman who used to be too nice until I got hurt, bad. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. Today I can finally be at ease with all the hurt another man caused me and I dont have to live in fear that it will happen again. The best part is that the person I'm with today helped me while I was in pain from the "devil" of a man who I unfortunately let into my life. I believe that made us stronger. I dont actually look at my partner as a man sometimes... because he really isnt like all men I have seen. He doesnt exude testosterone or a desire to control me. I hope that reading this will help you see that there is a light at the end of the dark and unfortunate tunnel. My light was him, your light can be gaining strength after trial, or anything you want it to be.

I would love to hear about some healthy relationships, and how those came to be fostered.

Some negative experiences might be helpful too, if similarities can be drawn and a pattern formed for future reference. Early warning signs that you have experienced or red flags. Perhaps things that aren't obvious. The circumstances under which we met were an obvious red flag. Can you think of any red flags from your own experiences, that are not common to my situation, that might be useful?

CummingCouple
03-28-2013, 05:07 PM
oh yeah and warning signs, I was a totally naive 18 year old sooooo I didnt see any of the control, or anything coming from the "I.T." specialist in Mensa who TRIED to fuck over my life. Sorry i dont have any signals for ya to look for.

onamission
05-04-2013, 04:05 PM
My prayers are for you. Don't be sad, there are better men out there. Guidance of the Holy Spirit will sure to be helpful to you if you accept Him.

sophiesecrets
05-04-2013, 05:52 PM
Total suckfest. Dunno what i can say that hasn't already been stated or that you haven't felt first hand.

Honestly, it's a very painful DERP. All the cam stuff aside... he lives with his parents...I'm too screwed up to judge anyone. Period. But in this case you are way too good for him. Here you are... a single woman, paying all your bills without anyone's help. And hes a MAN who cant even get his own place. He FAILS at life, and as I'm sure you already know, He doesn't deserve you. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

I will say that a few statements have the ring of truth, as painful as they might b to hear. He met u scamming on a camsite...(trying to get a girls attention anyway) It would stand to reason that you wouldn't be the last cam girl he made contact with.

There are guys out there that just don't care, it doesn't effect the way they see you, one way or the other. I was married like 11 years when i started camming, because my husband, while browsing porn, saw camgirl sites, and was like WTF, you could do this. Before this i was a boring housewife that rarely made it out of my sweatpants! I sucked @ vanilla jobs, because well... i dont wana fucking be there! lol. You'll find someone, hell prolly a few of them before its all said and done <3 Just not ona camsite <3

I hope this doesn't keep you down. I know being a camgirl can be isolating, and make you feel very alone because you really cant tell anyone. So try to get out of the house a lil more. Maybe take a dancing class, or get into comix (comic shop is a great hang out) GURL POWA!!

CrushGirl
05-05-2013, 02:13 AM
:( Good luck you are beautiful.