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BANHammerGoddess
09-11-2013, 11:06 AM
*hugs* I hope you get out of the house asap after your lawyer appointment (today right? or was it yesterday?)

and... eek! sorry to say, but you need to get STD tested as well. He's likely been playing around for a long while judging by his behavior towards you and so this woman is not his first.

EvelynHeartsYou
09-11-2013, 11:43 AM
^Yes yes yes. Get STD tested. Demand he get STD tested as well and that you get documents DIRECTLY from the doctor he went to. You'll have to do it again in 3 or so months. If he tells you "I didn't sleep with anyone else" then that's great, he's got nothing to hide and will prove it by getting tested.

EvelynHeartsYou
09-11-2013, 11:52 AM
Also, it's been 24 hours since your last post, SwanPrincess. Given the circumstances, I'm a little nervous for you. Please let us know that you're okay!

BANHammerGoddess
09-11-2013, 11:54 AM
yeah, I wouldn't demand he get STD tested until you're out of the house and you have a lawyer to run interference for you.

before you leave the house, is there any way you can get copies of his phone bills? Bonus if you can get credit card statement copies
as well. That will help your lawyer immensely when your husband is trying to play the "but my wife is a gold-digging whore stripper-- this is
all her fault" card.

EvelynHeartsYou
09-11-2013, 12:08 PM
^Yes, try to get as many statement copies that you can. Joint accounts too. See if he's been leeching money from marital assets to fund his new hobby; if he has, a judge can make him pay that back to you if you've got proof.

BANHammerGoddess
09-11-2013, 12:15 PM
dang, I wish this guy was going on one of his trips soon so you could get someone into the house to copy the hard-drive(s) on any computer(s)
but, do what you can and get out. Don't worry about anything else if it's not easily accessible. I hope you're okay.

~*SwanPrincess*~
09-11-2013, 12:28 PM
I ended up confronting him about everything. I tried to act like I didn't know, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. He got VERY flustered and denied everything. He said I was crazy and read the messages wrong. He tried to say he was interviewing someone for a position at work. (Yup, at night time in a bar...) I told him I know what I read, and Im not stupid or crazy.
He then started yelling that I would be nothing without him, and if I tried to leave he would take everything. He turned everything around on ME. Its so ridiculous and I can see right through him.

Flickdreams, I have definitely questioned how things would be if I stayed with him. At this point it makes my skin crawl if hes within six feet of me. Sure there are a lot of pros to being married to him. He has a good job, health insurance, we have a son together...but I would be very unhappy I think.

EvelynHeartsYou, I love your idea about paying consultation fees for all the top lawyers so he cant use them. So brilliant !

I met with an attorney today. I showed him a list of stuff Ive been documenting (Theres more shit thats happened, I just haven't shared it on here. I dont want to bore everyone too much with my drama! ) Anyway, the attorney said he can most likely get it so my husband HAS to move out, and still pay his share of bills as they are now, until the divorce is final. He even thinks I could get an emergency protective order. He said some guys absolutely lose it when they are served papers so its best to be as safe as possible.

So now all I have to do to get things moving is pay a retainer fee. I have the money, so thats not a problem. Regardless of the fact I more or less hate him at the moment, its still overwhelming and sad. Im gonna talk to my parents before I make any moves.

Thank you everyone for all your ideas, thoughts and advice.

EvelynHeartsYou
09-11-2013, 01:34 PM
Why would he be interviewing someone when he was at a friend's party? ;) He's going to grasp for straws and make bizarre cover up stories so he doesn't seem like the bad guy.

Yes, it's going to be overwhelming and sad while also infuriating for a while, unfortunately. You made a commitment with someone who broke their commitment to you, and then blatantly lied to your face making the betrayal that much worse. It's an unspeakable kind of hurt that I know too well, and I wasn't even married. I'm glad that you have the clarity to see through everything he's saying and doing, and that you're taking all of the right precautions to keeping yourself and your son safe rather than continuing in denial. You're very brave to have confronted him this early, and it's good that you've already got an attorney's advice.

I don't have children so I don't know very much about custody agreements. I do know that being amicable to reasonable agreements/arrangements for your son spending time with his father works in your favor for mediation or court. Due to his past actions of emotional abuse and exerting control over you, you might be able to request supervised visitations.

rickdugan
09-11-2013, 06:26 PM
I met with an attorney today. I showed him a list of stuff Ive been documenting (Theres more shit thats happened, I just haven't shared it on here. I dont want to bore everyone too much with my drama! ) Anyway, the attorney said he can most likely get it so my husband HAS to move out, and still pay his share of bills as they are now, until the divorce is final. He even thinks I could get an emergency protective order. He said some guys absolutely lose it when they are served papers so its best to be as safe as possible.

Just make sure you have a financial cushion built in when you kick this off. As a 43 year old guy who has been through one himself (no kids at the time thank goodness) and seen several others, I can tell you that the court process is slow. It can take weeks to even get an initial support order in place and, if he starts messing around on the payment front, it can take weeks more to go back to court to enforce the order. So be prepared to weather some period of time, possibly measured in months, before everything is running smoothly on the payment side. The good news, at least, is that he makes good money and has a stable job, so he'll be held accountable and the money will ultimately be collectible.

Now maybe he'll be a stand-up guy and start giving you money even before your first court date, but don't count on it. In fact, his attorney may advise him against because it sets a precedent and gives you more money to pay your own attorney. Divorce is a nasty business and even people who go into it with the best of intentions start to change as it sinks in that it's really over.

l'm sorry to hear that things went this way and good luck as you work through all of this.

EvelynHeartsYou
09-16-2013, 04:32 PM
Are you doing okay SwanPrincess? I'm hoping you had some time over the weekend to really think things over. Just want to make sure you're safe <3

~*SwanPrincess*~
09-17-2013, 08:27 AM
Im doing all right. I feel like now things have really sunk in about whats happened recently.
When I first found out my husband was cheating I was all fired up and hell bent I would leave him.
Now I just feel sort of frozen and in shock. Maybe even a little depressed.
I was talking to a family member the other day and she told me all men cheat, and since he is a good provider and comes home most nights, I should let it go.
Ive also had other family members and friends tell me I should try and make things work for my son's sake.
I feel absolutely disgusted and betrayed and its hard for me to imagine staying with him and always having the memory of him cheating in the back of my head.
But I cant help but wonder...do ALL men cheat? If I leave my husband will this happen again down the line with someone else?
Would it be selfish of me to split my family up when my son and husband absolutely adore each other?

I made my husband show me a picture of his little online fling girl. She was NOTHING special at all. Very mousy and average. He didn't upgrade whatsoever. (Im not usually a snobby bitch, but this situation sorta brings out the worst in me)

Im the kind of person I usually have an answer for everything and a solution to every problem, but right now, I feel like I cant even think straight.

EvelynHeartsYou- Thanks for checking in! That was very sweet of you. I know I should have updated by now, but part of me felt a little loser-ish for not making any changes yet :-(

tuesdaymarie
09-17-2013, 08:45 AM
Not every man cheats. That is utter bullshit. Your husband wasn't "just" cheating anyway--he is controlling and emotionally, possibly one day physically, abusive. That is not good for you, and it is not good for your son. He lied to you, projected his cheating by accusing you of it, and tried to make you feel like you were crazy and everything was all your fault. I am sickened that your relative could tell you just to suck it up and stay with him, but it illustrates the mentality of someone who accepts abuse as a given. Please do not become that person.

It is totally understandable for you to feel confused right now; you're not a loser. But I am certain that the best thing you can do for yourself and your son would be to divorce.

EvelynHeartsYou
09-17-2013, 08:47 AM
The #1 piece of advice that the Surviving Infidelity members have taught me, is to not make decisions immediately. Rash decisions rarely pan out the way you want them to in the long run when you have assets or a child involved. Give me a few minutes, and I'll have some reading material for you in your inbox that might help you find some direction or clarity. But it's okay to be confused. You're going to be confused for a long time. That's just part of the process of figuring stuff out and recovering from it.

I'm really glad to hear that you and your son are safe. <3

Trem
09-17-2013, 10:35 AM
We don't all fucking cheat, that is utter bullshit.

JoJoX
09-17-2013, 10:58 AM
Im doing all right. I feel like now things have really sunk in about whats happened recently.
When I first found out my husband was cheating I was all fired up and hell bent I would leave him.
Now I just feel sort of frozen and in shock. Maybe even a little depressed.
I was talking to a family member the other day and she told me all men cheat, and since he is a good provider and comes home most nights, I should let it go.
Ive also had other family members and friends tell me I should try and make things work for my son's sake.
I feel absolutely disgusted and betrayed and its hard for me to imagine staying with him and always having the memory of him cheating in the back of my head.
But I cant help but wonder...do ALL men cheat? If I leave my husband will this happen again down the line with someone else?
Would it be selfish of me to split my family up when my son and husband absolutely adore each other?

I made my husband show me a picture of his little online fling girl. She was NOTHING special at all. Very mousy and average. He didn't upgrade whatsoever. (Im not usually a snobby bitch, but this situation sorta brings out the worst in me)

Im the kind of person I usually have an answer for everything and a solution to every problem, but right now, I feel like I cant even think straight.

EvelynHeartsYou- Thanks for checking in! That was very sweet of you. I know I should have updated by now, but part of me felt a little loser-ish for not making any changes yet :-(

Are you fucking kidding me? No offense but where are you from where people giving you shitty advice???! Staying together for the sake of children is flat out fucking wrong. I would much rather raise my children in a happier environment than in a fucked up home watching their mom being abused. Let me tell you- no matter how perfect parent you try to be, your child will not grow up perfect and that's OK because none of us are perfect. I am trying to point out no matter what you do, there will be obstacles in parenting so which route would you rather take? Leave, not be miserable in your own home, possibly open doors for something/someone better or stay together because your son, be miserable in your own home, get cheat on abused etc? IT"S NOT SELFISH. It's not OK and children learn EVERYTHING from you- even everything non verbal. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is OK and grow up in similar situations. I'm sorry but that is probably one of the most fucked advice I've ever heard. Sit there and take the abuse from your husband? Who the fuck would advise anybody that? It's dead wrong.

Besides, this is BEYOND cheating. It's not like he is loyal to you and cheating. It's not like he makes you happy but cheats. It's not like he is good to you and cheats- because not all cheaters are bad partners. He is a bad partner in general. Just because he provides something monetary doesn't give him the free fucking pass to treat you like a fucking dog. It's not like he's a fucking millionaire either- what he provides is peanuts considering how he treats you. Those peanuts aren't worth it. Hell, what if you leave this loser and somewhere along the line, you find a MUCH BETTER provider who actually doesn't treat you like a little kid? You would be amazed how much positives come once you get rid of something so negative. I know for me, every single time I get out of a toxic situation, a great blessing occurs.

This is wayyyyyyy beyond cheating. Your husband is abusive. Staying with him is only imprisoning yourself. Life is too damn short to be wasting time living like that. You're getting old, you want to spend the last years of your life like that? GOD FORBID, what if you drop dead next month? You're an adult which means you have options. You're not a child where your options in life are limited, take advantage of your liberty and BE HAPPY. It's not selfish at all in fact, its one of the many gifts you can give your son- BE HAPPY AND TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.

simone87
09-17-2013, 11:02 AM
^ i couldnt agree more. do you really want your son in a house where your husband is flat out abusive,controlling, and unfaithful to you? where they see their parents fight, see their father abuse, see their mother cry?? these people who are giving you "advice" are idiots.
staying with somebody just because its your child's father does not work..tried it, seen others try it, it just doesn't, and if you are unhappy it often will hurt the child more than you just making a clean break and better life for the two of you. plus, this is also YOUR life you need to think about!! i really wish you luck, it makes me so angry and sad when i see men abusing, and cheating on their women like this, and then hearing other people trying to convince you its nothing.

JoJoX
09-17-2013, 11:14 AM
.......... if you are unhappy it often will hurt the child more than you just making a clean break and better life for the two of you.....

This times infinity!!

Aurora_Sunset
09-17-2013, 11:25 AM
I've been just following your saga up to now, and letting people who are more knowledgeable tackle the tough subjects, but your last post made me angry. I won't go into rant mode but I do feel the need to reiterate a few points:

1. Not all men cheat. Not all people cheat. Cheaters are people who are too immature to communicate and work out their problems effectively instead of running away from them and focusing on something else - like alcohol, drugs, work... or a new, exciting person. Not everyone is like that. You can find a mature partner.

2. Your husband is not just a cheater. He's abusive, manipulative, and controlling. He fucks with your mind, plays games, lies, treats you like a child, traps you at home... the list goes on. Good provider? I'm sure you make more than enough to provide for you and your son. Who gives a shit if he comes home most nights if he yells at you, plays with your mind, and controls everything you do?

3. Staying with someone like that for the sake of your son is not only stupid, but dangerous, for both you and your son! What if he gets physically abusive one day? Will it stop at you? Of course, no one wants to believe that a father would hurt his own child, but who would've believed in the past that he'd do all this shit to his wife either? Staying in a horrible and abusive situation for the sake of your son is going to produce the exact opposite effect, and probably really mess him up, if not put his own safety at risk.

I'm sorry, but the person who told you to just "let it go" and stick around is a moron. I'm wondering if you told them everything other than the cheating, or if they are used to a cycle of abuse themselves? That just seems like absolutely terrible advice for someone who is well-adjusted to give to someone who has gone through what you have...

I really hope you continue your plans to get out of there. Abusers and manipulators rely on the fact that things seem not-so-bad as time passes after an incident, and feelings of "maybe it will get better now and that was just a phase" start to surface. Have you sought any sort of professional counsel on this, like from a women's shelter or therapist? I feel like they'd help you a lot more than your desensitized family member.

BANHammerGoddess
09-17-2013, 03:31 PM
I was talking to a family member the other day and she told me all men cheat, and since he is a good provider and comes home most nights, I should let it go.


worst. advice. ever.

a. it's going to make you feel like shit and massively devalued as a person/woman/wife/mother
b. that's not his only problem
c. std's
d. lying

now, if he was just a cheater, I would still offer this advice but I would couch it in more gentle terms-- however since he does sound massively controlling and abusive, I'm just going to say it plain
and it's meant as a genuine "aha" moment question and not as a guilt trip:

Do you want your son to grow up thinking that's how to treat a woman and how to go around life being?

Because your relationship(s) in life are going to dictate for better or for worse what sort of relationships your children end up having?

Even I, who grew up in an undivorced home, still copied my parents in certain ways that ended up hurting me because everyone I was dating was coming from shitty parent relationships--whether those parents stayed together and were shitty to each other (and/or the kids) or got divorced and were shitty.

You can't make up to your son that he has a shitty role model for a father BUT you can get yourself to a point where you can be super awesome and strong and healthy and provide the majority of his role model time and hopefully bring around (even if it's not romantic for a long time) GOOD male role models so he can see that lying, cheating, throwing temper tantrums, going hot and cold, being controlling, etcetera are not a "good" way to be as a human being.

The_Adict
09-17-2013, 04:18 PM
Don't listen to that advice from your family member about all men cheat. It's simply not true. It's a generalization and a pessimistic outlook. Don't turn a blind eye to a SO, regardless of gender, cheating. Eventually it's weight will be too much, emotionally and physically....well, for most.

Flickdreams
09-18-2013, 03:21 AM
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-the-the-cheater/

Trem
09-18-2013, 10:43 AM
The advice you got actually pissed me off more than your shitty husband.

~*SwanPrincess*~
09-21-2013, 04:44 AM
So I pulled myself out of my little slump and decided to do some serious investigating. I found out not only is my husband on two dating websites, but also Adult Friend Finder, ALT, and a swingers group. NICE. So much for my quiet golfer husband.

Any slight tiny chance there would have been a reconciliation is gone. I am fucking DISGUSTED and angry.

I wasn't able to get in with my attorney until Monday, but when I see him I'm going to give him the retainer fee and get the ball rolling.

Any previous thoughts I had about wanting things to be planned out are gone. I want out ASAP, and anything that happens along the way I will deal with. I have a nice amount of money saved, so Im not too worried for now.

I cant believe how much this has escalated in such a short amount of time. I feel like I'm in a Lifetime movie.

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and opinions. I apologize I offended anyone in my negative post the other day. I know there are good men out there in the world. The bad advice I was given was from my wealthy but desensitized/depressed/unhappy grandma.

Although the recent stuff I found out is shocking and terrible, it makes everything a little easier on me mentally. Now I no longer have ANY hesitation on what to do next.

I will keep you all updated, thanks guys.

EvelynHeartsYou
09-21-2013, 01:00 PM
So sorry you found all of that and have to go through this, but I'm glad that you're finding out the truth (make sure you document it!) and not tolerating his shit any longer. Do what's best for you and your son. You seem to be handling this rather well, but don't hesitate to come to us when/if you need some support. :)

Aurora_Sunset
09-21-2013, 04:20 PM
Yes, absolutely keep coming here for support! But I also really encourage you to get in touch with a local domestic violence shelter. The lawyer is a good start, and I admire and appreciate your desire to want to just GTFO right now, but your husband's behavior has been sporadic at best lately. Even if he hasn't gotten physically violent yet, he has threatened you and put you in a situation where you had no way to leave your own house. The most dangerous time for a victim is when they actually try to leave because it can trigger the abuser. People at shelters are trained and have the resources to set up a safety plan and a place to go for you so you aren't just flying blind. You don't have to have a history of physical violence to call for help - they will still help you.

I would hate for you to be all pumped up now, but then when you are dealing with "shit, what do I do now?" while in an already stressful situation, feel overwhelmed and crash, especially since you have said your good friends and family are far away. Good luck!

Holly_V
09-26-2013, 03:10 PM
So I pulled myself out of my little slump and decided to do some serious investigating. I found out not only is my husband on two dating websites, but also Adult Friend Finder, ALT, and a swingers group. NICE. So much for my quiet golfer husband.

Any slight tiny chance there would have been a reconciliation is gone. I am fucking DISGUSTED and angry.

I wasn't able to get in with my attorney until Monday, but when I see him I'm going to give him the retainer fee and get the ball rolling.

Any previous thoughts I had about wanting things to be planned out are gone. I want out ASAP, and anything that happens along the way I will deal with. I have a nice amount of money saved, so Im not too worried for now.

I cant believe how much this has escalated in such a short amount of time. I feel like I'm in a Lifetime movie.

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and opinions. I apologize I offended anyone in my negative post the other day. I know there are good men out there in the world. The bad advice I was given was from my wealthy but desensitized/depressed/unhappy grandma.

Although the recent stuff I found out is shocking and terrible, it makes everything a little easier on me mentally. Now I no longer have ANY hesitation on what to do next.

I will keep you all updated, thanks guys.

I'm really glad you're getting the ball rolling on the divorce. Remember to find out your Attorneys hourly fees, phone fees (they often round up to the half hour etc..) cost of sending letters. Keep tabs on the amounting fees, not only to keep on top of it but this will discourage your attorney from 'padding' his hours if he is so inclined (however if it is a reputable firm they most likely won't be padding their hours). If your shithead hubby has assets under only his name that you contributed to try and find evidence of your contribution. If he has money/ assets that he might attempt to hide try to find evidence of them/ talk to your attorney about it. Good legal advice is worth every penny. Good luck girl, rinse that motherfucker xxx

Holly_V
09-26-2013, 03:53 PM
Just read a couple of your other posts. It seems like you are in a really strong position for a hefty amount of maintenance seeing as you married young and therefore supported him (I imagine emotionally and financially) whilst he worked his way up the career ladder. The courts often see this contribution as entitling you to a large sum of maintenance seeing as he wouldn't have such a lucrative career were it not for your support. And also that you may have sacrificed your own career in order for him to pursue his for the good of the family. Whilst it's best not to get things dirty you should start thinking about leverage you have over him just incase. For example you mentioned in a previous post that he does not want his colleagues to know that you're a stripper. If he tries playing games perhaps mention that it would be a shame if all his colleagues found out about your career. Men can get so taken over by their ego that they sometimes need a gentle reminder that we can fuck them just as hard as they try to fuck us. Remember you are a strong women. The process of divore is tough but keep a business head on your shoulders throughout. xx

brina182
10-04-2013, 10:43 PM
hows it going? please update ?

~*SwanPrincess*~
10-05-2013, 07:23 AM
I should have updated sooner, I've just been ridiculously busy.
My husband is staying at an extended stay hotel and looking for an apartment. He willingly has been paying our bills as usual and isn't making things difficult for me.
Of course hes trying to beg for a second chance, but I just cant do it. His ALT and swinger profiles make me feel I have never even known the real him.
It's pretty tragic, and I feel like Ive wasted almost my entire 20's.
My son is doing surprisingly well. I feel sad and depressed, but I pull myself together for his sake.

BANHammerGoddess
10-05-2013, 09:55 AM
Thank you for updating, and thanks for staying strong. Obviously, most of us are strangers in real life but it makes me happy when one of us leaves a bad relationship and doesn't go back. Wishing you lots of luck and strength!

Trem
10-05-2013, 11:43 AM
You are doing great, stay strong!

EvelynHeartsYou
10-06-2013, 06:18 AM
I'm so glad to hear that you and your son are still safe, that your son is taking this well, and your husband is being reasonable for the time being. Don't expect it to last once he realizes you're not going to give him a second chance. Try to keep your communications with your husband limited to text and e-mail as much as possible, and notify your lawyer if he tries to make any changes with agreements. Make sure you get plenty of rest and nutrition; this is an extremely difficult thing to go through.

Aurora_Sunset
10-07-2013, 07:02 PM
I'm so glad that you got him away from you and are standing firm in your decision. This is all so brave of you. Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist or counselor throughout all this. It's completely understandable to be depressed and need some help.

simone87
10-07-2013, 07:07 PM
losing a person you've spent so much time with is a very hard blow, especially finding out they were lying so much of the time...give yourself time to grieve, it may take some time but its better you ended it before spending even more time!! i know how it feels to find out everything was a lie with somebody you have kids with and were planning on spending the rest of your life with. its very painful to say the least and you are so brave and strong! seriously

pinups4
10-07-2013, 10:07 PM
Stay strong. I was the son in a situation like yours once....you are doing the right thing

Here for you anytime

~*SwanPrincess*~
10-08-2013, 03:07 AM
Thank you guys, for all your nice comments.
This is by far, the hardest thing to go through. I try to keep busy and focus all my energy on other stuff and act strong, but its still hard. I haven't really even told many people about it, because I know Ill cry if I do. I talk to my therapist once a week, and I know thats a good thing for me.
My son is doing MMA and cub scouts, and Ive really been trying to keep him busy with fun stuff.
I got a prescription for sleeping pills, and Ive been working out and eating well.

It all sounds so good on paper, but inside I still feel like part of me has died and like Im still in shock :-(

Flickdreams
10-08-2013, 03:14 AM
You've done what most people aren't strong enough to do, let yourself feel the pain because you will come out the other side and will probably recognise Douchebag in Hiding behaviour very quickly because of your experience.

Etain_
10-08-2013, 03:49 AM
Bravery is not doing what's right when it's easy, it's doing it when it is hard. You are a strong, brave woman (even if you don't always feel that way!) and I really really admire you! I will say a prayer for you to get through this as quickly as possible and find happiness and peace for you and your son.

Hugs...

Etain_
10-08-2013, 03:50 AM
Bravery is not doing what's right when it's easy, it's doing it when it is hard. You are a strong, brave woman (even if you don't always feel that way!) and I really really admire you! I will say a prayer for you to get through this as quickly as possible and find happiness and peace for you and your son.

Hugs...

Trem
10-08-2013, 06:36 AM
Thank you guys, for all your nice comments.
This is by far, the hardest thing to go through. I try to keep busy and focus all my energy on other stuff and act strong, but its still hard. I haven't really even told many people about it, because I know Ill cry if I do. I talk to my therapist once a week, and I know thats a good thing for me.
My son is doing MMA and cub scouts, and Ive really been trying to keep him busy with fun stuff.
I got a prescription for sleeping pills, and Ive been working out and eating well.

It all sounds so good on paper, but inside I still feel like part of me has died and like Im still in shock :-(



This is what being awesome sounds like.

zivlet
10-08-2013, 07:26 AM
I wish I had have seen this earlier but also you have got the best advice ever from so many SW members-I wouldn't have been much cop on legal advice and help centres as I am a million miles away. Just want to second that you're doing so well , and no matter how abusive somebody has been, unless you're as sociopathic as they are, It's difficult-I have dated abusive men before, it hurts leaving them.

I agree on you may be in a great position to get a lot of £ out of him, legal advice will help you there, and also you are doing something AMAZING!You're getting your son away from a toxic family and giving him the chance to grow up with a happy and fulfilled , strong parent who won't take any shit.

History repeats itself, I agree with everybody that the family member who said to stay is seriously flawed!

He isn't just somebody who has cheated. If you had a happy relationship and he went out and got too drunk and some girl took advantage and he did the dirty, that's not great. But It's fixable. It's doable to work through it.

THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT! This guy is abusive 24/7-even when he was being nice he's only been nice as part of the cycle of abuse.

And no, not all men cheat. I think most men are tempted, they're visually stimulated and they are kinda wired up to be attracted to more than one woman, but that doesn't mean they'll action their feelings if they respect you and your relationship.
This guy obviously had zero respect for you or other women. And I don't think that will ever change unless he really wants it to-he's an abuser.

Keep SW updated hon, and good luck-you sound as if you're in a fairly strong position despite everything so well done on gaining advice and saving your own money-should have seen me after emotionally abusive relationships, I was a fucking MESS!

AmethystLily
10-17-2013, 02:48 AM
I only joined today, and this has been going on for a month, but as a survivor of an abusive marriage, I felt the need to let you know I'm here for you. I think I must've been feeling some of the same things when I made the decision to leave. Even though I knew that a healthier life waited for me once I got out of that situation, I cried a lot. Even though he was abusive, I will still admit to this day that there were things I liked about him, his actions, attitude and outlook had largely to do with upbringing, and he's still a human being. But it's not up to me to make him a better person. He has to make that decision for himself and there's no reason to risk my health and safety for someone who doesn't treat me right--whether he knows any better or not. The 23rd of this month will be the 7-year anniversary of the day I left.

I'm here to talk if you need that in your life. Everybody's situation is different, but I think we can still relate to one-another's experiences. Also, I highly recommend a support team. Not just of people having gone through similar experiences, but of friends and/or family that you can trust.

Also, one thing that worked for me--soon after I left him, his mother sent me a letter. When my father told me this, I told him to read it and pass along any information that I needed to know. This filters out guilt trips, insults, etc.

I hope you're doing well!

~*SwanPrincess*~
10-17-2013, 04:06 AM
Thank you AmethystLily. I appreciate your thoughts, and good for you for having the courage to get yourself out of a bad situation!

After finding out about my husbands detailed, and shocking profiles on swinger sites and ALT, there is nothing I miss about him. After finding out about his secret side life, I feel like my entire marriage was a sham and a fraud. It makes me mad to the point where I wonder if anything was ever real between us, and if his personality around me and our son was ever even the "real" him.
(Any Swingers ALT members: To each his own, not offending ya'll whatsoever!)

Im doing alright. Im still in shock a little, and still not talking to many people about it. This is gonna sound dumb, but sometimes I feel like if I start talking about it, that I will really realize its my new reality :-/

So, rather than focusing on it, Ive been keeping myself and my son VERY busy. A ton of emotions are right beneath the surface, but I try to push them back.

Clara_M
10-17-2013, 05:28 AM
Hang in there. Looks like you'll be okay. There was no other reasonable ending than leaving him.

Zadi
10-17-2013, 06:06 AM
I'm not going to reiterate what everyone else has already said, and it's all amazing advice and awesome support.. but I'll try to put my two cents in.

I don't think the person you knew him as was ever "not him." Everyone has multiple faces, just because you don't see them all, doesn't mean the ones you do see are fake. Your relationship to him was probably as real as it was to you, he just had the capability to do what he did. Not everyone does, like most monogamous, faithful partners, but it doesn't mean that his feelings for you weren't real and the experiences you shared were falsified or "acted out" by him.

Clearly I'm not speaking from experience as I have no idea who either of you are, but people just don't do that. This isn't Dexter, you know? People aren't like that. It's shitty that this happened but you are handling it fabulously and all I can say is treasure the memories you've got. He doesn't need to keep being the same person he was before; no one will ever stay the same. But you can sort of archive the good parts of him in your heart and deal with the bad parts, which you're doing. Keep it up lovely.

Clara_M
10-24-2013, 09:44 PM
^^^ Among the most insightful comments I've ever read anywhere.