View Full Version : I went to AA today
slowpoke
01-24-2014, 02:03 PM
How about an update?
TheWeirdOne
01-25-2014, 10:31 PM
Hi =) still sober, five weeks sober ... these three days have been hard and now that I'm not drinking at work I want a bump!!! Wtf??? I've been clean from drugs for almost six yrs. I don't understand. Hopefully I can get over this phase =( thanks for checking up on me.
Katie Desire
01-26-2014, 07:29 AM
Hey, congrats! The bump thought is not unusual...just remind yourself that no matter what the substance, any type of "escape" sounds good sometimes...it's not that you want to start doing drugs, it's just that you want a break from the pressure/boredom/whatever that is happening at the moment (and moments pass!!!). You know that alcohol is off limits for that escape, so then your mind looks for other ways to escape, your brain will come up with other "suggestions"--the easiest being things we've used before to accomplish the break.
Pearl_Sugar
01-26-2014, 09:17 AM
I'm going to piggyback off of Katie and agree about the escape part. I recommend that you find a relaxing hobby to help with the stress, such as yoga or tai chi. Or you can kick sress's butt with something like karate, but either way it'll help you cope better. :)
Flickdreams
01-26-2014, 09:44 AM
I recommend you try NA (12steps) as well as AA if you find yourself wanting to replace alcohol with other substances. Narcotics Anon. consider alcohol to be a drug (amongst many others0 and help treat from the perspective of Addict rather than alcoholic. Let me know if you try NA meetings- I find them incredibly powerful and healing.
TheWeirdOne
01-26-2014, 10:39 AM
Hey, congrats! The bump thought is not unusual...just remind yourself that no matter what the substance, any type of "escape" sounds good sometimes...it's not that you want to start doing drugs, it's just that you want a break from the pressure/boredom/whatever that is happening at the moment (and moments pass!!!). You know that alcohol is off limits for that escape, so then your mind looks for other ways to escape, your brain will come up with other "suggestions"--the easiest being things we've used before to accomplish the break.
Thank you !! :-) I was crummy all yesterday. I'm going to the gym right now and kick ass there's lol
My bday is coming up soon and I think that regret for loss of time, and life is creeping in.... uuuuuggghhhhhhhh
Oh well hopefully my day will come and go and I'll stop being preoccupied with time age etc and start confusing on the good things in my life which actually are abundant. You ladies don't know how much this means to me... 35 days is the longest I've been sober since I began drinking with the exception of my pregnancy.
slowpoke
01-26-2014, 10:53 AM
Life has its ups and downs, but its better when you are sober. Congratulations, keep going to meetings. It gets better.
Flickdreams
01-26-2014, 11:30 AM
ditto.
charlie61
01-26-2014, 01:44 PM
I recommend you try NA (12steps) as well as AA if you find yourself wanting to replace alcohol with other substances. Narcotics Anon. consider alcohol to be a drug (amongst many others0 and help treat from the perspective of Addict rather than alcoholic. Let me know if you try NA meetings- I find them incredibly powerful and healing.
Agreed about NA. From what I've heard, the meetings are must less religion-oriented, and much more grounded in reality. There's less of that repetitive "just follow the program!" 'advice' and much more practical advice / support. Many people who don't vibe well with AA's layout highly prefer NA meetings. And don't be afraid to try out a variety of meetings. Each one has a different format and a different group of people.
slowpoke
02-04-2014, 07:34 PM
So, how is it going?
TheWeirdOne
02-07-2014, 08:08 AM
Good good, thank you. I feel great. I'm not looking back anymore. I'm happy. =) before I know it I'll be 90 days sober
Tarasaurusrex
02-07-2014, 08:16 AM
Congrats again! I bet you have tons of energy too!
TheWeirdOne
02-08-2014, 10:57 PM
One of the many positive things. I can do so many things because I'm no longer hung over all the time.
Sabihah
02-08-2014, 11:25 PM
Congrats, girl! You're amazing!
TheWeirdOne
02-09-2014, 10:05 AM
Guys, I relapsed. After 51 days of sobriety I relapsed. I had two patron and about six beers. I'm so embarrassed and angry at myself. I cannot believe I did this. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I feel so stupid
slowpoke
02-09-2014, 11:03 AM
Guys, I relapsed. After 51 days of sobriety I relapsed. I had two patron and about six beers. I'm so embarrassed and angry at myself. I cannot believe I did this. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I feel so stupid
Go to the next available meeting. Share that you relapsed. It is not a good thing, but it happens. Pick up another desire chip.
jessajames
02-09-2014, 12:54 PM
I love the idea to post after every shift! I'm new to this thread but congrats on working so hard on yourself. Mental and emotional health is so important. I use a lot of guided meditations, binaural sounds and music and really anything youtube finds for me related to sounds for my depression and anxiety. I've noticed quite a few sleep meditations and similar music for addiction and I'm assuming it might work just as well. I totally suggest checking it out! I know it sounds very hippy-dippy but I go from not being able to get out of bed for days to waking up refreshed and wanting to live and get things done when I use them so maybe they would be helpful for you as well. Wow that was long winded! Sorry! :) And good luck!
jessajames
02-09-2014, 12:54 PM
Also relapse is just a part of recovery; do not beat yourself up. Every minute is a new chance :)
jessajames
02-09-2014, 12:57 PM
here is a sample of the type of videos to look for; this one is crazy short, i usually make a playlist of a bunch and let them play on loop though so you can incorporate short ones and long ones. most can be over an hour! it's fabulous.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1My1Qn28Ec
Sabihah
02-09-2014, 01:09 PM
Relapsing does NOT cancel out the 51 days you accomplished! The gains to your physical health are still there, and you just need to make sure the emotional hit you've taken doesn't push you off the road to recovery. I agree with slowpoke that you should make the next available meeting. Go to as many meetings as you can while you're still feeling down about it. Feelings of failure are like blood in the water when it comes to alcohol - coming back after relapse is often harder than going in the first time. A majority of people relapse during their first year; they'll understand what you're going through. Things WILL get better!
Tarasaurusrex
02-09-2014, 04:04 PM
Guys, I relapsed. After 51 days of sobriety I relapsed. I had two patron and about six beers. I'm so embarrassed and angry at myself. I cannot believe I did this. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I feel so stupid
Relapsing is just another stepping stone, a test, so to speak. Because okay you relapsed once, but how you respond to it will truly determine your commitment to sobriety - for example if you say, I relapsed, but I am not going to throw everything away just because of one bad night, then think of the relapse as conquering your temptation to use when things go wrong, which is important, because life is unpredictable, but now you know you can deal with that and you can accept the fact that you're human, you're not perfect and one mistake doesn't equate to the end of the world. As an addict I think this is one of the best lessons, relapsing once, then being strong enough to not use that as an excuse to fall into old habits. You're doing great, just keep on going in the right direction!
It may not seem like it, but this isn't a failure, it's a big step towards recovery.
TheWeirdOne
02-10-2014, 01:13 AM
Thanks ladies, first of all. I accomplished one positive thing from my relapse. I realized I don't miss it, I don't need it, and becoming a social drinker will never be possible for me. When I got sober I didn't know if I wanted to quit for life but I had a year goal for sure. Now, I don't know that I'm disappointed about the permanent absence of alcohol in my life. I considered aa yesterday but im so embarrassed, I don't want to look at anyone in the face. No, I will not drink alcohol again because I relapsed. I did feel very emotional waking up the next day
The tastes in my mouth
Last night's makeup
The checking my bank account
The fights with my husband
The checking my purse
The checking my phone
The checking my car
The hangover
I'm going to the sauna today to detox, I've been drinking tons of water to flush out. Tarasaurous, as crazy as it may seem, I kinda feel the same way. If I had any doubt about quitting for good, my relapse put all my doubts at ease. It is like going to lunch with an ex you never felt closure with.
oldster
02-10-2014, 06:15 AM
Good for you
If staying sober were so damn easy they would not have AA
Tarasaurusrex
02-10-2014, 10:07 AM
Thanks ladies, first of all. I accomplished one positive thing from my relapse. I realized I don't miss it, I don't need it, and becoming a social drinker will never be possible for me. When I got sober I didn't know if I wanted to quit for life but I had a year goal for sure. Now, I don't know that I'm disappointed about the permanent absence of alcohol in my life. I considered aa yesterday but im so embarrassed, I don't want to look at anyone in the face. No, I will not drink alcohol again because I relapsed. I did feel very emotional waking up the next day
The tastes in my mouth
Last night's makeup
The checking my bank account
The fights with my husband
The checking my purse
The checking my phone
The checking my car
The hangover
I'm going to the sauna today to detox, I've been drinking tons of water to flush out. Tarasaurous, as crazy as it may seem, I kinda feel the same way. If I had any doubt about quitting for good, my relapse put all my doubts at ease. It is like going to lunch with an ex you never felt closure with.
Yay! Yes, sadly when alcohol or substance abuse is a problem you can't just use it sparingly like some people, but that's okay, your skin will look better, you'll be more energetic, you won't have to worry about getting in trouble for dumb things, and tons of other benefits of just not drinking anymore! AA is not bad at all, you don't need to be embarrassed there are plenty of people that have been in your shoes and even worse. Also, if you find meetings near you, you can go to a meeting if you have that icky temptation to drink and there will be people to talk you down from it. That's the saving grace of it for me, I really am not strong enough to go it alone and there are a few times personally, that if it weren't for an accountability partner, I may have ended up in jail.....or worse, because I was struggling so hard with temptation and really about to do a lot of stupid things at the same time.
Flickdreams
02-10-2014, 09:06 PM
The responses in this thread are fantastic, group hug everybody :)
Katie Desire
02-10-2014, 09:31 PM
Cunning, baffling and powerful (as well as insidious) And not a single person with the strongest will power on earth is immune if they are truly an alcoholic. Relapse is part of sobriety. Sometimes it doesn't even come from taking a substance, it comes from a mental attitude. Many of us (me, especially) found that we needed to "test" if we really WERE alcoholics even months or years down the road, despite being utterly convinced at one point that we were, and a relapse was what it took to come to the realization. First we come. Then we come to. Then we come to believe. We love you, keep coming back!
TheWeirdOne
02-11-2014, 08:47 AM
=) thank you. I needed to hear all of this. I was convinced that the morning after my relapse I would surely want another drink and the cycle would begin again. Thank God I was wrong about that. You're support means so much to me right now. Ily!
slowpoke
02-11-2014, 09:08 AM
If you fall off a horse, get right back on. Keep going to meetings. Talk to your sponsor. Any day you go to bed sober is a good day.
Sabihah
02-12-2014, 08:03 AM
Keep us updated! :)
FreeSpirit
02-13-2014, 01:05 AM
I'm going to work in a bit. I've been getting completely wasted at work and leaving once I make "enough" Tonight I'm going to stay until we close and hopefully ill be sober and ready for my AA meeting tomorrow. My husband is being incredibly supportive. I don't know if I should tell the staff I'm trying to stay sober.
I used to go to AA. I loved it! I had 20 close friends who had a lot in common with me like being former strippers and liking metal. It's a good way to network and secure a good job or a home. They're positive people, very kind people. I always had someone to talk to which was good because I'm very social and talkative. Overall it was a great experience. I'm thinking of going back.
TheWeirdOne
02-15-2014, 08:47 AM
I am going today. Hubby took me to have lobster and got me huge huge flowers =)
We discussed my sobriety last night. Although I relapsed and drank one day, I'm still determined to stay sober. I am simply going to deduct my relapse and keep ny sober days counting. I feel this is acceptable. I still have no desire to drink and feel that my one night of drinking was only fear, fear of becoming sober for good. I didn't work last night but if any of you did, happy Valentine's day and hopefully you ladies banked.
slowpoke
02-15-2014, 10:16 AM
Keep going to AA. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.
slowpoke
03-08-2014, 04:33 PM
How about an update, how is it going?
TheWeirdOne
03-08-2014, 06:32 PM
I relapsed again. On Friday I.got blacked out drunk. Siiiiiigh
slowpoke
03-08-2014, 08:21 PM
Back to the meeting. Share. Do you have a sponsor?
Kaylak
03-09-2014, 12:59 AM
'Keep coming back.' 'First thing first.' 'Easy does it.' 'One day at a time.' It sucks when cliches are also true. It's so easy to say "Don't beat yourself up" to someone. It is hard to not beat oneself up. Most people have gone or are going through what you are. For many, maybe most, relapse is on the road to recovery. Some do, some don't. But, if you'll forgive the cliche, if some one else seems to be doing better than you, you can't judge your insides by someone else's outsides. They have their own path and their own story.
If you can keep working at it,going to meetings, no matter how embarrassed, resentful, relapsing, angry, fed up with it, fearful etc. you feel - You Will Make It! Interview sponsors until you find one that is right for you. Whether you stay in the biz or not is unimportant. You just have to find what works for you in your sobriety.
You already are working important parts of the program. You started and keep coming back to the thread. You are being honest. You have people who support you.
Best thoughts and hugs.
gocanucks
03-09-2014, 06:41 AM
'Keep coming back.' 'First thing first.' 'Easy does it.' 'One day at a time.' It sucks when cliches are also true. It's so easy to say "Don't beat yourself up" to someone. It is hard to not beat oneself up. Most people have gone or are going through what you are. For many, maybe most, relapse is on the road to recovery. Some do, some don't. But, if you'll forgive the cliche, if some one else seems to be doing better than you, you can't judge your insides by someone else's outsides. They have their own path and their own story.
If you can keep working at it,going to meetings, no matter how embarrassed, resentful, relapsing, angry, fed up with it, fearful etc. you feel - You Will Make It! Interview sponsors until you find one that is right for you. Whether you stay in the biz or not is unimportant. You just have to find what works for you in your sobriety.
You already are working important parts of the program. You started and keep coming back to the thread. You are being honest. You have people who support you.
Best thoughts and hugs.
To back up what was said - there are a bunch of good sources on relapse - here's one:
http://www.everydayhealth.com/addiction/0213/when-rehab-is-a-revolving-door.aspx
Relapse often happens. As the article pointed out, this shouldn't mean it's an excuse for addicts who relapse to justify staying addicted - it's a testament to how hard it is, but also how it's likley you may have to re-try to achieve long-term sobriety.
As the others said, go to your support group, get help, go back. I had friends who couldn't quit smoking on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd attempt - on average, in Canada, it takes 5+ attempts to quit for good. I told those same friends it shows not just hard it is, but also that if you fail once, you should NEVER beat yourself up - simply get back on the horse and try again, because relapsing does NOT mean you can't quit for good. THAT is the key message to take home, and it applies to smoking, drugs, alcohol, etc.
The principles in the 12-step groups like AA and reinforced in the article give you the best chance to succeed, so do go to AA again. Best of luck.
charlie61
03-09-2014, 03:06 PM
One of the keys here is staying constantly aware of your own mental state. Before you go into work or enter into a situation that may trigger you, check in with yourself. Many emotions can 'prime' you for a relapse - like anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, stress, etc. Some people are even more triggered by extreme positive emotions than by the darker ones - overconfidence, celebratory moods, excitement, etc.
And then, of course, things can happen while you're at work that can prime you for a relapse: a customer insulting you, making a lot of money very quickly, having a slow stage set, etc. Have a plan in your head for how you will appropriately handle your emotions should anything trigger you while at work. Is there someone you work with whom you could safely inform about your situation in case something happens to set you off?
Self-awareness is the first step to prevention!
TheWeirdOne
03-10-2014, 11:40 AM
I don't have any sober dancer friends. Ive been working about once a week or less just because I don't want to drink.
TheWeirdOne
03-10-2014, 11:42 AM
Think I need to find a new aa group
TheWeirdOne
03-10-2014, 11:48 AM
Plus I feel like my face looks horrendous from the alcohol. All blotchy and gross. I feel fat from drinking all that beer and I swear it gave me cellulite on my tummy. I feel so gross. I woke up this morning and saw my old alcoholic skin and it disgusted me and I went back to sleep.
slowpoke
03-10-2014, 12:55 PM
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts
of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People
have said we must not go where liquor is served; we
WORKING WITH OTHERS Page 101
must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends
who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which
show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our
friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses;
we mustn’t think or be reminded about alcohol at all.
Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind;
there is something the matter with his spiritual status.
His only chance for sobriety would be some place like
the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo
might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!
Ask any woman who has sent her husband to
distant places on the theory he would escape the
alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism
which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation
is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield
himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually
winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have
tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible
have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is
drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being
there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions,
weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties.
To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic,
this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn’t.
You will note that we made an important qualification.
Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, “Have
I any good social, business, or personal reason for going
to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little
vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such
Page 102 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
places?” If you answer these questions satisfactorily,
you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away,
whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid
spiritual ground before you start and that your motive
in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what
you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you
can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better
work with another alcoholic instead!"
Flickdreams
03-11-2014, 07:33 PM
Have you got any literature to read? To help you see things in a new way when you are experiencing fear/doubt/shame/overconfidence/whatever. Going to meetings is not enough- it's a great start but I liken it to going to University lectures and then wondering why I don't have a degree; there are many steps inbetween which help me along the way (eg getting a tutor, following up on readings, forming a study group).
I'm glad you are using SW as a resource but are you sharing at meetings/with a sponsor/other people in program what you are sharing here? If not, ask yourself why not? Do you imagine that only you have felt this way? What do you want to share about that? Resentlment at program, not being sure that this is the right meeting etc are all great things to talk about at AA (even at a meeting you may not necessarilly like) because what you are doing isopening up about who you are and what you are experiencing.
Again, SW is only going to get you a reflection if you want the real thing you must invest your time and energy in AA or NA program.
TheWeirdOne
03-12-2014, 09:22 AM
I guess I have so many other things in my life right now. Just when everything was going great something really bad happened. I know it isnt an excuse but I guess my sobriety was still too fragile to overcome the temptation of temporary escape. I want a big book, I will look for a meeting. I went to aa for the entire time I was sober but no one ever talked to me. No one ever said hi or anything, I did share twice but still no one reached out to me. I guess that kinda contributed to me quitting my aa meetings.
Now that Ive gotten fucked up a few times Im not sure there is anything left of my sober mentality and that scares me. : /
oldster
03-12-2014, 09:52 AM
Please do not despair
Go to a meeting and ask for help. sometimes you need to ask, not that it is easy.
If you want a copy of the big book, hell, I will get you one, and I am sure I am not the only one who would
gocanucks
03-12-2014, 10:38 AM
I guess I have so many other things in my life right now. Just when everything was going great something really bad happened. I know it isnt an excuse but I guess my sobriety was still too fragile to overcome the temptation of temporary escape. I want a big book, I will look for a meeting. I went to aa for the entire time I was sober but no one ever talked to me. No one ever said hi or anything, I did share twice but still no one reached out to me. I guess that kinda contributed to me quitting my aa meetings.
Now that Ive gotten fucked up a few times Im not sure there is anything left of my sober mentality and that scares me. : /
If you go back and share your despair and your feelings now, I would hope that someone would reach out. Reaching out when you are sober might not have happened. It's silly, but people gravitate to those in greatest need - did you share when you were early on in sobriety, or a few months in? I realize it's no guarantee, but just trying to figure out why no one reached out. Sharing your experience is one thing - saying I'm in trouble, and I need help - that is tougher, but it might get a better response.
Maybe you need a different group, is there a different AA group in your town/city?
TheWeirdOne
03-12-2014, 11:51 AM
I did!! I went in there an spilled my guts on my first day of sobriety when I was a fucking wreck. Shared all my things, although sober ppl advise against sharing early on I did it. I felt great. I cried, was pretty dramatic. I shared everything, all the bad about why I wanted to quit. I then went and everything was going great.
TheWeirdOne
03-12-2014, 11:52 AM
I just wish I had not drank ever!!
slowpoke
03-12-2014, 01:36 PM
Keep going to meetings. Look at the sign in sheet, find the women with the longest sobriety and just go up and ask them to sponsor you. The worst that can happen is they say no.
You can often get a Big Book at a used bookstore for a dollar. Some meetings will GIVE you one. One AA said he bought all the big books he could find at used book stores, paid $1 for them, for the purpose of giving them to newcomers.
The Big Book is online a bunch of places. Here is one, concentrate on the first 168 pages.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
You could try a different meeting. There should be something called Intergroup near you, which can provide you a schedule of meetings by time and location.
slowpoke
03-12-2014, 01:40 PM
Keep going to meetings. Look at the sign in sheet, find the women with the longest sobriety and just go up and ask them to sponsor you. The worst that can happen is they say no.
You can often get a Big Book at a used bookstore for a dollar. Some meetings will GIVE you one. One AA said he bought all the big books he could find at used book stores, paid $1 for them, for the purpose of giving them to newcomers.
The Big Book is online a bunch of places. Here is one, concentrate on the first 168 pages.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
You could try a different meeting. There should be something called Intergroup near you, which can provide you a schedule of meetings by time and location.
THE TWELVE PROMISES
FROM THE AA BIG BOOK
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
WE WILL NOT REGRET THE PAST NOR WISH TO SHUT THE DOOR ON IT. (emphasis added)
We will comprehend the word serenity.
And we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook will change.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.