View Full Version : can't separate my life from my work
Aniela
01-20-2014, 11:43 PM
He says he 'loves you so much' but again, blew you off for wks. That is part of where I am taking issue, b/c his actions do not seem to be consistent w/ sm1 who loves you. As for 'you say you have to do this but you don't' how does he honestly know a bloody thing abt what you do or do not have to do? He doesn't & he should not be telling you things like that if he is not making any effort to help you out w/ this move or raising the $$/££ for it. You are also missing out on a lot of the connection factor when you can't talk or see each other (even if it is just over a screen). Maybe you guys will find a better shot for yourselves once the distance is closed, but I think that at least for the present moment, this guy is more trouble than he is worth.
This may be a stupid idea but I am on no social media-type sites whatsoever except for SW so I am putting it out there. Is there a way that you can deflect his attempts to contact you -- not necessarily block him, but set up sm sort of automatic reply & then just not check for his msgs until you get over there? I just thought of this b/c my work email is done thru Microsoft Outlook & it has an option to set up automatic replies, which I do every nite b4 I leave since they literally do not pay me to take my work home :P
oldster
01-21-2014, 06:25 AM
So you realize that given the options of listening to what you have been dealing with and replying 'yeah they all suck and you are the balls baby' or 'I was right and you suck' he chose 'you suck'?
How are you imagining this is going to improve in the future?
You need to start dealing with the difference between what he is and what you imagine him to be
This is getting into the realm of self inflicted drama and borderline behavior. You seem to be craving the highs and lows and the emotional roller coaster at this point. Time to get off at the station and let someone else on the ride.
audrey_k
01-21-2014, 08:00 PM
He says he 'loves you so much' but again, blew you off for wks. That is part of where I am taking issue, b/c his actions do not seem to be consistent w/ sm1 who loves you. As for 'you say you have to do this but you don't' how does he honestly know a bloody thing abt what you do or do not have to do? He doesn't & he should not be telling you things like that if he is not making any effort to help you out w/ this move or raising the $$/££ for it. You are also missing out on a lot of the connection factor when you can't talk or see each other (even if it is just over a screen). Maybe you guys will find a better shot for yourselves once the distance is closed, but I think that at least for the present moment, this guy is more trouble than he is worth.
This may be a stupid idea but I am on no social media-type sites whatsoever except for SW so I am putting it out there. Is there a way that you can deflect his attempts to contact you -- not necessarily block him, but set up sm sort of automatic reply & then just not check for his msgs until you get over there? I just thought of this b/c my work email is done thru Microsoft Outlook & it has an option to set up automatic replies, which I do every nite b4 I leave since they literally do not pay me to take my work home :P
That's part of the problem... it's really difficult to have a relationship of any kind with someone when all you can do is type words on a screen!
I mean I don't expect him to help me raise money to make my move, I want to be independent in that. And I understand his frustration with me saying I want to dance in London, but I don't understand his frustration with me working BEFORE I get to London. That's where he's really pissing me off. And he has no solution for that-- his argument that I don't have to do this is more about me dancing in London as opposed to me dancing before I get there. When I've asked him well what should I do to save up? He mostly gets quiet or says that he thinks I have enough saved already and that I will just have to be focused on getting a job immediately. But I'm not comfortable with what I have right now!
I agree with you though that it would be better to have no contact with him until I get there. Honestly I wasn't planning on contacting him that night, I was just REALLY upset and needed so speak to someone and he's like the only person that knows I'm stripping again.
I could delete him from Facebook but that's the only way I could think of blocking him... I did that before actually and then he friended me again, lol.
So you realize that given the options of listening to what you have been dealing with and replying 'yeah they all suck and you are the balls baby' or 'I was right and you suck' he chose 'you suck'?
How are you imagining this is going to improve in the future?
You need to start dealing with the difference between what he is and what you imagine him to be
He didn't say "you suck" to me so I'm not sure where you're getting that. He's not a very compassionate person, I know that and accept that. He would rather come up with a solution to the problem than just sit there and coddle me.
Aniela
01-21-2014, 08:14 PM
I agree you do not need to be coddled, but exactly what solutions is he offering to your predicament? Not a damn thing from what you have said. If he has no alternatives he needs to STFU abt what he thinks you do or don't need to do. As my mother always says, the only thing we *have* to do in this life is die & pay taxes.
In his own way it does sound like he is saying 'you suck' b/c he thinks there is sm magical alternative to dancing that will get you where you want to go, yet here you are 'permitting' yourself to be treated the way you are. Sry to be blunt but he is sounding more&more like just one more of the many p.o.s.'s that we deal w/ in this job who are keen on telling dancers how to live their lives w/o offering anything in the way of help.
audrey_k
01-21-2014, 08:30 PM
Specifically he says that I should work retail/waitress until I find a job in my field (he says he knows plenty of people who survive in London on 2,000 pounds and I could make that in retail/waitressing). He says that he thinks stripping is the "easy" alternative because it makes me so much money and that I should learn to live on less money-- be OK with not living in the best areas of London, not going shopping, etc. He says he doesn't understand why I spent $200,000 on a college degree if all I want to do is work in a strip club.
What confuses me more honestly is when I started talking/dating him I was upfront with him about where I work and he was cool with it, he said he understood it was for the money. Now it's like a TOTAL 180 from that. I don't understand why he has changed his mind so drastically.
I don't know. :-\ I think it's just best to take a break.
shasta
01-22-2014, 01:37 AM
Rule number one is never tell your guy the bad things that happen at work. That is what stripperweb is for. As far as they know its all unicorns and rainbows.
audrey_k
01-22-2014, 01:50 AM
^learned that the hard way with him! I think that may be partly responsible for his 180.
simone87
01-22-2014, 11:59 AM
Rule number one is never tell your guy the bad things that happen at work. That is what stripperweb is for. As far as they know its all unicorns and rainbows.
aint that the truth. i've made that mistake with my current bf. he is obviously uncomfy with me working at my current club now, but not much he can do or say about it. told him if he didn't want me there he was welcome to help pay my bills and that shut him up pretty quickly
Almost Jaded
01-24-2014, 11:13 PM
WTF...
First off - not to be rude, but Bone summed it up pretty well. At this point, the OP's behavior is starting to look unhealthy.
Secondly - it's sad that telling your BF what happens at work is considered a bad idea.
Tarasaurusrex
01-24-2014, 11:48 PM
WTF...
First off - not to be rude, but Bone summed it up pretty well. At this point, the OP's behavior is starting to look unhealthy.
Secondly - it's sad that telling your BF what happens at work is considered a bad idea.
Perhaps the OP should look into borderline personality disorder treatment; I was recently diagnosed and my behaviors/emotions make sense now, but how to fix them makes sense too, finally - or it will when I complete DBT!
audrey_k
01-25-2014, 04:16 AM
LOL.
OK, thank you for diagnosing me with the borderline personality disorder over a few posts in a forum, but I think I'm OK. I've been in therapy for years so if I had BPD I think they would've picked up on that by now. I may be a little co-dependent, but I definitely don't have BPD (my degree is in psychology so I'm very familiar with it!). I don't self-harm, I've never attempted suicide, I don't engage in risky behaviors like drugs, unsafe sex, gambling etc and I don't have black and white thinking when it comes to relationships or people.
If everybody who was in a dysfunctional relationship had BPD, then it would be a LOT higher than the national average (around 3% of the population if I remember correctly)
I'm not really interested in getting any more advice on this, since as of now we're not even on speaking terms, but if you guys really have nothing better to do and want to continue to try and "diagnose" me from my posts, go to town!
Personally my behavior is pretty clear to me... I've become overly attached to this person and am having a hard time letting go, partly because I still have feelings for him and partly because I'm really struggling with difficulties in my profession and he is the ONLY person I'm close to who I've been open with about my feelings. I mean, I can't exactly call my BFF up at 3 am on a Sunday nights and cry about being suspended from work when she doesn't even know I've been dancing for the last two months. But if it makes more sense to you guys to stick me in the "mentally ill" category have fun.
And Almost Jaded... it's unrealistic to expect that you can complain to your SO about work and expect them to be OK with you working there when that complaint includes having to go into detail of someone sticking their hand up your vagina (last Sunday was the third occasion that I had complained about such a thing to him) and how either a) they tried to do it again b) management wouldn't let you go home or c) you got suspended. After reading Shasta's comment it makes perfect sense to me that he doesn't want me working there anymore (am I going to quit tho? fuck no).
oldster
01-25-2014, 08:56 AM
I don't think anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together is trying to diagnose you over the internet.
People might want to explain how you sound through your posts. You are making excuses for the guy at almost every turn
That pop-psych definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? ding ding ding we have a winner.
you call him up and are for some reason surprised that he makes you feel bad.
real men do not look for reasons to make women feel bad. This guy may turn into a real man someday, but he aint one now. Let him learn on someone else.
While guys may not want to know the gory details[of what goes on at work] night after night, part of a good relationship is knowing why your partner is upset/happy/sobbing uncontrollably, so he can roll over and leave you be, hug you quietly or kiss it and make it better.
jessajames
01-26-2014, 02:14 AM
i'm so glad i found this thread! i have been feeling the same way; just accepting i'll be single because no one will be cool with my work which has in turn made me waaay too dependent emotionally on my ex who is super emotionally/mentally abusive. not that it is nice to hear someone else feel so sad but it is comforting to know there are more than one of us out here who feel the same way/are in similar situations. my advice to you is stay grounded; as hippy and corny as it sounds practice deep breathing when you feel overwhelmed and remind yourself you are in charge of your life and you are doing what makes you happy. remember there have been past relationships, you have moved on before and survived them and have always found another. granted this process will continue until you find mister right but you will always survive it :)
audrey_k
01-26-2014, 08:34 AM
I don't think anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together is trying to diagnose you over the internet.
People might want to explain how you sound through your posts. You are making excuses for the guy at almost every turn
That pop-psych definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? ding ding ding we have a winner.
you call him up and are for some reason surprised that he makes you feel bad.
real men do not look for reasons to make women feel bad. This guy may turn into a real man someday, but he aint one now. Let him learn on someone else.
While guys may not want to know the gory details[of what goes on at work] night after night, part of a good relationship is knowing why your partner is upset/happy/sobbing uncontrollably, so he can roll over and leave you be, hug you quietly or kiss it and make it better.
This is getting into the realm of self inflicted drama and borderline behavior. You seem to be craving the highs and lows and the emotional roller coaster at this point. Time to get off at the station and let someone else on the ride.
Perhaps the OP should look into borderline personality disorder treatment; I was recently diagnosed and my behaviors/emotions make sense now, but how to fix them makes sense too, finally - or it will when I complete DBT!
I don't see how I'm making excuses for him. I've simply stated what he's told me in our conversations.
How am I expecting a different result from doing the same thing?? I broke up him with him before he left to go back to the States, I could have seen him again that weekend but I chose not to because of his behavior-- I knew if I saw him that I would just be more upset when he and to leave the next day, and he was being such an ass I didn't want to see him again. He apologized the next day but I told him we needed a break. Since then our only communication has been a Facebook chat from one night and I think I've been pretty clear about why I went to him that night, but for the third time, it was because he's the ONLY person who knows I'm dancing... I did not contact him to start up our relationship again, nor I did not talk to him about our relationship at all that night, I simply vented to him about what had happened that evening. I was not expecting him to be sweet and compassionate and loving about it, I knew he would be react the way he did-- this isn't the first time we've had an argument about me working at the club and the last time it was over a similar issue. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm making excuses for him, but he has a point-- I'm NOT happy being there, and I am becoming more and MORE unhappy every week that I'm there. Working in my club is essential for me right now because of money, but it's destroying my mental health and making me miserable. I quit stripping three years ago because of this exact issue. I want to dance in London but only if it's different from the way it is at my club. I can't do hard-contact in a nude club anymore when I'm working next to girls who are giving guys bjs/fucking them-- incidents like guys fingering me happen so frequently because these girls are down to let some guy fingerfuck them in exchange for $20! I want to work in either a contact-topless club or a no-contact nude club.
And he did not make me feel bad that night, I NEVER said that in my post so go bad and read it. If I wanted someone to just coddle me then I wouldn't have gone to him that night, I'm not stupid. Maybe your solution to your gf coming and crying to your on multiple occasions is to hug her and tell her everything is gonna be alright, but if you did that shit to me I would throw you off of me. Saying that to me in that situation is a damn lie. And once again, we were Facebooking... he has no idea what my tone is like nor do I know what his is.
Ya'll can thank whatever you want about him, I just really don't appreciate being labeled as mentally ill/BPD from 5-7 posts I made in an online forum.
And once again, we are not even speaking, so no more advice is needed...
shasta
01-26-2014, 09:37 AM
Rule number one is never tell your guy the bad things that happen at work. That is what stripperweb is for. As far as they know its all unicorns and rainbows.
What is the point of telling guys we date/love bad things that happen at work? They love us, they won't want us to go back there. They will worry the whole time we are at work.
shasta
01-26-2014, 09:39 AM
Rule number one is never tell your guy the bad things that happen at work. That is what stripperweb is for. As far as they know its all unicorns and rainbows.
What is the point of telling guys we date/love bad things that happen at work? They love us, they won't want us to go back there. They will worry the whole time we are at work.
Almost Jaded
01-27-2014, 06:30 AM
OP - I'm sorry if my statements upset you; I wasn't diagnosing you, lol. I'm sorry that someone brought up BPD, but if you have a degree in psych than surely you can objectively note:
2 separate threads started in less than 3 weeks, and the information given in those posts, and the behavior indicated by those posts.
Step outside and read them objectively, and see what we do/did. While to you people are drawing conclusions based on only a few posts, you must realize that what you said in those posts is also all that people know about your circumstances and how you handle them.
I feel for you on both subjects, and certainly don't mean to imply that there's something wrong with you per se; I just saw someone struggling to cope. :shrug:
audrey_k
01-27-2014, 07:06 AM
^What do the issues I'm having with my mother have to do with the issues I'm having with my ex-bf? My mom is a bitch but she's my Mom, I didn't pick her.
My degree in psychology tells me I can't objectively judge whether or not someone is mentally ill (or has BPD) from some posts they made in a forum.
Having the degree is one thing, having the experience to go along with it is a different matter entirely. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm calling it like I see it. You don't have to be a full on Borderline to exhibit some of the behaviors. I stand by what I said about the drama though. If you are a bit codependent it seems you can find a better choice for being dependent on. I would say you need to decide if you are all in with this guy or not. If not be over and done with him. Block him, ignore him, don't respond, etc. Put him in the past and leave him there.
rickdugan
01-27-2014, 09:12 AM
Wow, this thread really went sideways.
Audrey posted about perfectly normal human feelings, including a connection made and the pain around its loss. IMHO comments relating to psychological conditions, issues with coping, etc., are flat out absurd. Who doesn't want to be loved? Who doesn't feel pain when he/she is spurned after letting someone in? C'mon now.
Audrey, my only issues with him are the way he behaved, both by blowing you off for long stretches and by talking to you in a demeaning way. IMHO the fact that you are dancing, and that he dislikes that, is no excuse for treating you badly. IMHO any woman deserves better.
In any event, good luck as you work to save for London!
audrey_k
01-28-2014, 09:07 AM
^Thank you!
Yes I agree, the way he spoke to me was somewhat demeaning, which was somewhat ironic considering the reason he wants me to quit working at the club is because he says it's "too demeaning". I really just think that's his personality though, I don't think he was intentionally trying to be demeaning... but whether or not he was trying, he was.
I've been going over what he said in my mind the last couple days because I'm really unhappy working at the club right now. Like I'm totally miserable and I don't want to go to work. I don't understand what's happened because I used to love going to work! I mean when he was here and we were dating he used to get annoyed because getting me to take a night off of work required a lot of convincing. But now I'm really struggling to get to the club, and when I am there I don't have the same energy I used to have.
I don't know if the excessive dirtiness of my club is just really getting to me or if stripping in general is getting to me. A part of me really doesn't want to go quit and another part of me would be happy to never have to put those heels on again. I've been working a crazy amount of nights and literally just sticking every dollar in a shoebox-- I've been working six six-hour shifts, so I take one night off a week. I just don't feel like I can survive on a waitress salary, maybe I'm a spoiled materialistic bitch but I just don't feel like I can do that. I'm hoping maybe getting another job so stripping isn't the only job I have will maybe alleviate some of these feelings, so that's what I'm gonna do when I get to London, try and find a dancing job and a waitressing job at the same time and then continue to look for a job in my field.
Have you considered being a bar tender instead of a dancer/waitress? You have skills to interact with people and guys tend to notice attractive bar tenders and may tip a bit extra for a flirt here or there.
audrey_k
01-29-2014, 08:02 AM
^Well I would have to go to bartending school I assume... do bartenders make a lot more than a cocktail waitress?
Bar Tending school isn't all that hard, mostly it is learning drinks and presentation and only takes a few months at most. And yes they can make a lot of money if you get the right job. I have a friend who will likely clear $1000 in tips this Sunday. You could also do bar tending in dance clubs as well if you want to stay in that environment, maybe dance a night or two a week if you want extra. I know I tend to drop a few extra on the female bar tenders at clubs when I go, even had one offer a lap dance and hand massage, was very nice and tipped her well for it.
Aurora_Sunset
01-29-2014, 11:27 AM
You most likely don't need to go to bartending school. I went and it never helped me get a job bartending. Most places want you to work your way up from waitressing and don't see bartending school as "real experience." Every place I waitressed at would rather hire a waitress who had been there a few months who didn't even know how to make drinks or know basic terms like "neat" over someone who went to bartending school but hadn't been trained "in their culture."
Bartending positions are also the most coveted in clubs and restaurants. They're not easily given up, and when someone does quit, there are probably several waiters in line who have been vying for the spot for months. You could maybe try to ask for a few bartending shifts at your current club since they already know you and you know the place. Other than that, I'd pick a place that you'd be ok waitressing at for a few months first, and try to work your way up. IME, straight-up bartending gigs don't come easily - even if you're a pretty girl with a bartending school background. Unless, maybe, you're willing to work in a dive bar.
audrey_k
01-29-2014, 11:14 PM
Thanks for the advice guys! I've always wanted to waitress at a strip club but whenever I've applied for a job they've always told me that I'm "more fit" to be a dancer. My club doesn't serve alcohol (no alcohol at nude clubs in CA) but I know the waitresses do well because the dancers have to tip them. They don't make anything like I do obviously but they still do well. It's just basically impossible to get a waitressing shift at my club if you start as a dancer-- in all the years I've been dancing I've seen ONE girl do it and the only reason she was able to do it was because she starting dating one of the DJs who had been working there for years and he threatened to quit if she didn't get the job cause he didn't like other guys seeing her naked. He broke up with her three months later and they fired her (she became a total cunt once she got that job! she had her nose in the air the whole time because she wasn't a dancer anymore and I wanted to punch her smug little face and say "bitch at least I didn't have to fuck anybody for my job!").
I think I would rather cocktail waitress outside of a strip club tho, just to get out of that environment for a while, and then maybe dance a few nights a week or something along those lines.
Aniela
01-29-2014, 11:26 PM
^^^^ That sounds like it would create a happy medium. I have thought for awhile that I would be much happier if I could just have dancing as a side gig rather than being my main/sole income.
audrey_k
01-30-2014, 12:35 AM
^Exactly! There's a girl I work with that works at a coffee shop and I told her she was insane for it and I didn't know how she motivated herself to make minimum wage... especially cause she makes bank at my club, she's the cutest stripper I have ever seen and always walking around with a smile on her face, guys love her. She works the 6am opening shift and she she says she just goes home after work, showers, and goes to the coffee shop. She told me she would go insane if she only worked at a strip club like I do and she didn't know how I did it. While I could never do what she does (i.e. work for only minimum wage, and at 6am after working at the club all night) the longer I work at this club I'm starting to understand why she has another job.
audrey_k
02-02-2014, 12:51 AM
I think I'm officially over him as of the present moment I am now dating two different guys... which is infinitely more fun than just dating one! ;)
audrey_k
02-27-2014, 08:52 PM
I'm so annoyed right now. I've been going on a crazy dating binge this past month, going out with a lot of different guys (not sleeping with them tho!) and I started dating this guy about four weeks ago. He is SUCH a nice guy, he's older, super cute, really sweet, great in bed, and a really successful and intelligent lawyer. I have so much fun with him and he doesn't play games, which is such a relief to me. He texts/calls me all the time, when I got my wisdom teeth taken out this week he offered to pick me up from the dentist and kept calling to check in on me and even sent me flowers... I KNOW he likes me and it's not on and off. When my ex used to not text me for a day I would freak out and think he was done with me, but when this guy doesn't text me for a day I know he's just busy with work, and I always get a text the next day saying exactly that and apologizing. I just feel this sense of security with him for some reason. I don't feel the same excitement I did with my ex (and the sex is not as good) but I like the fact that I feel safe with him more. He wasn't wild about me working at the club but he could deal with it, he just said he didn't want details about what I was doing there unless something upsetting happened that I needed to talk about. Seriously he's PERFECT.
And now I have to end things with him because I'm moving to another country. Obviously we've only been dating for a few weeks so it's not like we're going to do long distance or something, but I'm just really sad, after going through all this shit with my ex I was posting about on here to finding this nice, perfect guy that I have to get rid of. It just sucks.
And my ex has been sending me messages the past couple weeks. At first we were just talking about my move-- I don't really know many people there so I was asking him for info on where I should live and whatnot, asking about getting my health insurance and that kind of thing-- but the last couple times we've spoken it's started to get really flirty. I had told him that I quit my job at my club (which I did, I quit last week) and now it's like everything is different, he's so nice now. I know I should have NOTHING to do with him after all he put me through, but I swear this man is like kryptonite to me and I don't get it. He not the first guy of 2014 to treat me like shit and I had no problem throwing the other ones away. And I'm really worried that when I get to London I'm going to feel lonely and overwhelmed and end up going to him and leaning on him again. And even though a part of me is like "well maybe it'll be different now, it'll be like it was in the beginning" I know that people do not change. And although I'm a little undecided at the moment, it is likely that I will return to dancing, which means all that shittyness that he was giving me for working there is going to return.
ytqclys
02-27-2014, 09:46 PM
Did you ever try dating a male dancer? You seem starved for some real intimacy, it might be easier with someone who had more of a common background.
I look at this thread and you've really gone through an emotional ringer. I hope things are easier for you from now on.
audrey_k
04-15-2014, 06:25 PM
I'm sorry guys but I had to resurrect this thread just to vent. I HATE THIS MOTHERFUCKER SO MUCH, I WOULD NOT PISS ON HIM IF HE WAS BURNING IN THE FLAMES OF HELL... against all of my better judgment we've been in contact since I got to England-- we haven't seen each other but we've been talking through Facebook a lot. He's always sending me messages checking in on me, asking me how I'm getting along, etc-- and I just liked him so goddamn much that even as shitty as he's been toward me, it made my eyes light up to hear from him and I couldn't help but respond (I haven't really instigated a conversation with him, he always messages me).
Then tonight he messages and we start talking about Easter, I was about to send him a message telling him how sad I am that I can't see my family this weekend, and he starts sending me all these sexual messages, talking about how he "can't stop thinking about our naughty times together" and "just thinking about you makes me hard all the time" and blah blah. I just sent him smiley faces cause I didn't really know what to say, but then he started taking it to another level so I said I was surprised he was sending me these messages when the last time we talked about our relationship he was very clear about just wanting to be friends. He said of course he wanted to be friends, but also friends that have sex because I'm just "the hottest sex" he's ever had. I told him that I like him and if he likes me and wants to see if there's the potential for us to get back together again that was one thing, but if he just wants to be friends who fuck, I can't do that because it's not who I am. He said he understood and then sent me this: (normally I wouldn't directly paste what someone says, but I can't paraphrase this as I can't make any fucking sense of it)
"I get what you're saying. I won't know what I will want until it happens to me. As mad as it sounds it's true, been practicing being more patient and detaching myself from desire, hope that all makes sense? It's quite Buddhist really, but I like it that way"
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
I HATE HIM! He gives me all this shit, telling me he can't stand that I'm dancing because it's so degrading and I'm so much better than it-- I mean this man could not have been HARSHER or CLEARER about the fact that he basically felt like I was being a total whore by being a stripper-- and then he treats me like I'm some kind of prostitute, thinking that despite the fact that we haven't seen each other since January, that he's been an ass, that he can just wander back in my life and expect me to sit there and what, tell him how big his cock is and how much I miss him fucking me so he can jack off? He's been so nice and different lately when we've spoken, very supportive and caring and I thought that things had changed between us, but WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS? I have never felt like more of a whore than I do at this moment... I now realize he never took me seriously as a person or saw me as anything but a sex object, I thought he became attracted to me from of the long, thoughtful and intellectual conversations we had, talking on the phone for 5 hours and discussing our hopes and dreams, I thought he had actual feelings for me and was attracted to my brain and my mind and now I see he just saw me as some whore who was able to give him "the hottest sex he's ever had"
God I am so sick of being looked at as a sex object, I spent all my nights being looked at that way at work, and then it seems to translate with every man I've had a relationship with lately-- just for once I would like someone to look at me as though I'm an actual human being with a brain and not just a fucking vagina... sorry guys this REALLY got to me! It's been a long time since I've let a guy make me cry and this conversation got me there... #endrant
Aniela
04-15-2014, 08:05 PM
^^^^ Agreed. I think it was more this jackass than it was you who couldn't separate your life from your work. It would not surprise me if he is this way w/ all women, but in your case he just took your job as an excuse to do what he did. He defined you by his perception of your job, not b/c of anything you actually did.
simone87
04-15-2014, 08:24 PM
" its quite buddhist really" Bahaha! this literally made me lol. what a pretentious ass. nothing i hate worse than having an ex that was important to me get back in contact, only to start talking dirty, asking for pics and phone sex because they are bored and want to jerk it..when i keep thinking that they missed our connection.
audrey_k
04-15-2014, 09:30 PM
I know, he completely defined me by my job, and I can't help but think the reason I got stuck in the "good sex but not relationship material" box is partly because of my job... and I just find it so wonderfully ironic all the lectures I endured about how degrading my job was, just to be totally degraded by him. Of course clearly no one is relationship material to this man since all he cares about is himself and having a relationship would require actually caring about another person...
Yes Simone! He is fucking pretentious, and the phone sex thing is so fucking disgusting. I'm going to delete him on Facebook and hopefully he doesn't send me any more messages, the last time I deleted him he started blowing me up with messages and it started everything all over again. Everytime I take a step away from him it's like he pulls me back-- he wasn't speaking to me at all the last couple months I was in LA, but when I got to London I didn't contact him and totally ignored him, and that was when he started messaging me regularly again (for the last few weeks he's send me a message like every couple days). This incident sucked but at least it finally got me over him...
oldster
04-16-2014, 07:34 AM
This guy may or may not be an evil motherfucker, but your reaction to him, probably related to the connection that you formerly felt with him, is a problem for you
Like a shellfish allergy, you don't keep going back thinking it will be different, nope, in the hospital again.
The people we care about are usually the most dangerous to us, and when there is one who is careless with others feelings, that is the most dangerous of all
audrey_k
04-16-2014, 09:50 AM
I know that's what I keep telling myself, that it's never going to be different, that whoever he was in the beginning of the relationship, that person is gone, and it was honestly probably just an act to try and get me to open up with him. Sometimes I feel like I was just a challenge to him because I was so closed off from him in the beginning-- I mean, I would even let him take me to coffee for weeks...
I deleted him as a friend because I don't want to see his fucking status updates, I don't want him to like my stuff, I don't want to get messages or comments from him. Of course a few hours later he dropped me a message asking me what the fuck and I said I didn't want to speak to him anymore because I'm not interested in being some guy's sex object and he had made it clear last night that that's all it was. He started out aggressive, saying I was being paranoid, overthinking things, blah blah, but I stood my ground and just got aggressive right back in his face calling him out on his bullshit, I told him he was a fucking hypocrite and an asshole for being such a dick to me about my job and then treating me just as bad as my worst customer ever has (and at least they pay me when they're horny). So now he's switched tactics and is being all sweet, saying he's sorry for being a jerk last night and he respects me so much and blah blah-- I haven't responded to him for the last hour and he's still sending me messages, saying he wants to make sure I'm "ok."
I would be OK if he would get the fuck out of my life! Why can he not just leave? He obviously doesn't care about me at all, so why can't he just get the fuck away from me? I don't understand!
SexyForMe17
04-21-2014, 02:10 AM
It sounds like too close to soon in addition to guys needing their own space. Guys like to add to your world rather than be your world.
audrey_k
04-21-2014, 04:10 PM
^No, he's just an asshole, trust me! ;)
GlamourRouge
04-21-2014, 04:50 PM
I know it's hard but it might make you feel better to try and not take this incident personally, try not to get down on yourself about men sexualizing you and being pervy because honestly it happens SO often to SO many women, not just strippers. It has nothing to do with you or with what you do for a living, some guys are just losers. A guy being a perverted doofus has nothing to do with you.
You always give really accurate, true advice
Fionaver
04-26-2014, 06:56 AM
F*** I totally want to talk to you about this stuff but I totally don't want to come off as the older-holier/more experienced-than-thou B****. ><
I will say, as an aside through your posts, that this is NOT A HEALTHY THING.
Also, your self esteem - when not tied to the screw-you mentality - is very tied to your money. This is crazy common with me and virtually all of the dancers that I've ever worked with. It isn't necessarily BAD, but you have a tendency - based on your posts - to seek external, rather than internal - validation. This is demonstrated by your mood/money fluctuation and the 'Am I good/worthy/hot/interesting enough' thing combined with the mood swings based on his interest.
I guess, overall, how much do you want to deal with the jealousy/control issues?
I should also note that it is very possible to date men who are ok with the job. I pre-screen for a few things - traditionalist male/female gender roles, white knight syndrome, an inability to do housework, and... JEALOUSY ISSUES. Most men that I date haven't been jealous, but are more concerned for my future as a 30+ year old stripper and/or self-destructive tendencies. My current partner is completely ok with my job - he found out that I was a dancer when we were still building a friendship b/c of a pack of matches that I was carrying from a rival club that I used to work at (and frequent.) He made the comment that his mom was a dancer - talk about knowing that it is really 'just a job.'
Don't live your life for other people, hon. Cool, independent, self-confident non-douchebags are out there. You just have to sort the wheat from the chaff.
carolina6
04-26-2014, 04:41 PM
Trying to be objective as possible about your posts, I think you are having a problem cutting this guy off for good partially because you are lonely living in England. If you felt like everything else was going well (decent consistent money at the club, not much drama, some friends nearby whom you could vent to about dancing), you could just tell him to fuck himself and move on. He is dragging you down. He is adding nothing to your life. Cut him off.
Second: do not date young men. They have no idea what the hell they are doing. My 2 cents.
simone87
04-26-2014, 04:57 PM
Second: do not date young men. They have no idea what the hell they are doing. My 2 cents.
preach! seriously. i stopped dating young men ( read: anybody under 33) and goddamn did it make a huge difference! i finally had an orgasm during sex, was treated with respect, actual intelligent conversation, and they are set up in life and know what they want.
also, don't date men that have mommy issues..i learned that the hard way
audrey_k
04-26-2014, 11:23 PM
Trying to be objective as possible about your posts, I think you are having a problem cutting this guy off for good partially because you are lonely living in England. If you felt like everything else was going well (decent consistent money at the club, not much drama, some friends nearby whom you could vent to about dancing), you could just tell him to fuck himself and move on. He is dragging you down. He is adding nothing to your life. Cut him off.
Second: do not date young men. They have no idea what the hell they are doing. My 2 cents.
I don't know, this has been going for months, since November-- back when I was in LA and had my friends/family/work colleagues etc. I think the difficult thing with him was he was SO amazing in the beginning, so charming, supportive, understanding, etc-- we had great sex and amazing conversations. If anything it's been easier to move on from him in England because I've been so busy with everything and excited about starting over.... but he just totally changed and I think I just wanted back what we had in the beginning so much that I was willing to wait around for him and do whatever he wanted to make him happy and be nice again. He is very charming, when he wants to be-- unfortunately, he's really just totally selfish and immature. I find British men a lot harder to judge than American men, they can't just own up to being players/assholes, they put on this whole facade of being Hugh Grant and then can't even have the decency to end things maturely, they just disappear because the British don't want to have any kind of uncomfortable conversation. But I'm getting better at it, I had a HOT customer tonight who did a CR and was pushing me for my contact info and I just laughed. I could tell he was a totally suave, fake-English-gentlemen, WAY too smooth. I'm staying away from guys like that from now on.
carolina6
04-27-2014, 09:50 PM
Well, anyone can be charming in the short term. I have regulars tell me how perfect and awesome and sweet I am all the time. Little do they know that I am a terrible bitch when you aren't paying me. Haha. Just remember you have to be in love with the way someone is, not the way you want them to be. Maybe in a few years he will grow up and be worth dating, but he isn't doing it for you now.
audrey_k
04-28-2014, 05:33 PM
Well I think being fake in a strip club and being fake in a relationship are a little different... but yeah, obviously that's why we're no longer speaking.
starlily
04-29-2014, 01:08 PM
When he said he didn't like you stripping because it made you a "whore," what he meant was, "I don't like it when other men objectify you, because you're MY sex object." He had a sense of ownership and entitlement to you, and that's why he was so shaken when you cut him off, not because he cared about you. Typical sociopathic power tripping cocksucker.
I was happy to see you cut him off. Too many girls don't believe that they're worthy of respect, and get stuck going back and forth with assholes who think having a pee-pee automatically puts them in a position of authority over women.
audrey_k
04-29-2014, 10:58 PM
Well it's been weeks and I can say I hardly give a thought unless something comes up to remind me of him. I'm glad we're no longer friends on Facebook because even though it seems silly, it just totally cuts off any reminder/contact between the two of us and makes it easier to forget about him. The last time we spoke he said "don't you get that I'm sorry for what happened" and I said "uhhm not really cause you gave me a bullshit apology, you just said 'I'm sorry if you think I was a dick' and I don't even know what that means" and he apologized for real and I said "yeah whatever that's nice but I still don't believe you" and he sent me some unhappy face. It sucked to have to go through that experience with him facebook-sexting me but it really showed me exactly who I've been dealing with and it makes me sick so fuck him, I'm done for real this time...