View Full Version : My Boyfriend is Being a Douche
gocanucks
03-27-2014, 04:18 AM
Too many posts to quote, lol.
@gocunucks - a has been pointed out before, please don't do the "poly isn't right for you" thing. You can't comprehend how offensive this is to poly people. Our relationship structures result in situations and feelings that don't make sense to people in socially normal relationships, and constantly being told this by people who can't grasp our real problems hurts.
@DJoser - you need to hang around more non-monogamous people, lol. We know plenty that work very, very well.
@everyone else on this page that made awesome points - you all hit it on the head, on all points.
As I said before, FMF is more common because finding men that don't "compete" for the girls is HARD. It took me quite a while to get used to "sharing" my girls just because of that competitive mindset; to this day, I struggle when one of my partners is seeing another guy, not because I"m jealous and insecure per se, but because I always suspect the guy is trying to pull her away from me - so far I have yet to be wrong. Women do it too, but for whatever reason it seems to be easier for me to dump a girl that I like if she's interfering with my relationships that for girls to ditch meddlesome guys.
Many of you echoed here the sentiment that it's mind-blowing that people "cheat" in open relationships. MissMynxx and I have been open and poly (both) for 5+ years now. We've had 4 serious, long-term relationships with other women. Every single one of them ended because of this. Even with partners who knew that that's what killed previous relationships & expressed disbelief that anyone would do that - they ended up doing it, too. It's like people are so used to lying to cover shit up in their old relaionhips that they just can't wrap their heads around being honest. We call it PTRD - Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder. Some we dumped immediately, others we tried to work with - but in the end, it has always been lying that has ended things.
To the OP - if you read the above paragraphs, they sum up nicely into your situation, as I've started to see a pattern. Partner gets involved with someone they like, and when that relationship breaks the rules, they don't want to give it up. Rather than either work through the process of bringing the other involvement in line and being honest with other parties or ending said relationship - they lie. I have seen this happen both ways with both genders - female partners in poly tend to lie to cover up the possessive and competitive nature of their other men, male partners tend to lie to cover up multiple "smaller" issues out of fear of losing their other girls because generally speaking, it's harder for males to find new partners in these situations. The only reason you're finding it harder to find guys is because you're playing by the rules and being honest! If you were willing to involve yourself with men that tried to take you away from your primary, you'd find that attractive girls have an endless line of potential partners overnight. Kudos to you for playing it straight. That makes you a rare bird, and a wonderful one.
Fair enough on the "maybe it isn't right for you" comment - I made it only because OP complained on being isolated, and unsatisfied that her BF got the lions share of relationships in their community, while she wasn't forming any forms of relationships with other members, male or female, intimate or even just friendship - and given it's her first real relationship, thus came the comment. If you noticed, I said "it doesn't seem that polyamory isn't right for you (or at least this version, or this community)" - and suggested if polyamory is for her, but the isolation continues after she dumps the BF, she move. If the isolation is purely a product of her BF, then my bad - it just seems fundamentally off that she is so isolated, and it is either a bad fit, a bad community, or a REALLY controlling BF - so if she dumped the BF and still was isolated, then either #1/#2 was left. At least that seemed the logical answer to an outsider....
I would be the first to admit I don't understand the structure & issues as an outsider, though - so mea culpas if it's fundamentally off. Don't want to derail the thread any further, but if it helps, that's the reasoning. I try and learn something from these convos, so I appreciate you being honest, just figured it might help to provide a deeper background. Not judging anything, just trying to understand it better.
GlamourRouge
03-30-2014, 04:15 PM
Why is it that so many of the supposed polyamory stories I hear involve one guy who fucks multiple partners while his GF doesn't? And why is it that when I hear stories of polyamorous living arrangements, they always seem to involve one rooster living in a hen house?
Yeah I think both people have to agree to let both parties play by the same exact rules, or its just not fair or equal.
And both parties have to authentically want the same things for it to work. And even then, I'm sure sometimes one party tries something and then decides its not for them anymore, and that's okay too.
starlily
03-31-2014, 04:11 AM
It's not our fault, it's just the way we are. So I don't think you should really blame the guy here. Just forgive him. At the moment everyone is thinking too emotionally and getting angry towards the guy without trying to understand what is going on.
"I cheat all the time. But it's ok because I have no self-control. Also, no other men have self-control. Women should accept this fact and greet us with an angelic but knowing smile when we come home from a 'late night at the office,' and then give us a delightful blowjob of forgiveness just to show us that there are no hard feelings. That's just how men and women are made. So I don't understand why you are all so mad."
Pro-tip:- We are actually LESS likely to cheat and will respect you more if you say you want a monogomous relationship.
"Ok, I know I just said all men cheat, but women are made different, ok? You women have to want to be monogamous. Otherwise you don't deserve respect. And then you will not be able to catch a fine upstanding man like me."
!TheOne, every time a member here posts about problems with someone who happens to be male, like their boyfriend not caring/committing or their boyfriend cheating, you side with the male party by default no matter how much of a jerk he's being. If you want to do that there are much better places on the internet than Stripperweb (try Reddit, they have a really dedicated fanbase of people just like you and your friends who use biological fatalism to excuse whatever awful garbage they feel like doing.) Here though, you will get your head chewed off by people who KNOW they don't have to settle for a partner who lies and cheats.
OP made this thread for support, not to be told it's wrong to feel upset and betrayed by her partner. That's so backwards.
Sabihah
03-31-2014, 12:55 PM
Some people cheat because they want more/different/better sex, some cheat for the intimacy, and some cheat because they just like the thrill of breaking the rules in their relationships.
In polyamorous relationships, #1 and #2 should be less of an issue because they can be achieved without causing harm to the relationship - if everyone involved is honest and courteous. But there's nothing you can do about guys in the third category. They'll cheat in any relationship because they just love cheating.
Optimist
03-31-2014, 07:50 PM
OP made this thread for support, not to be told it's wrong to feel upset and betrayed by her partner. That's so backwards.
THIS X1000!!! Thanks starlily and those who have reported. Please refrain from commenting if you are not on this board to be supportive, !TheOne.
amberlly
04-01-2014, 03:24 AM
OP would it help to talk to other happy poly people outside of your current community?
Another internet forum I was on was very poly positive. The majority view was that poly was more special - because it meant that your partner was choosing you every time they hang out with you.
A few couples were married and had other partners as well. The other partners were in the open and welcome in the house and appeared to be scheduled to fit everyone in.
I'm not poly - so like gonacks outsiders view but I have seen it work really well. Many times over.
amberlly
04-01-2014, 03:27 AM
OP would it help to talk to other happy poly people outside of your current community?
Another internet forum I was on was very poly positive. The majority view was that poly was more special - because it meant that your partner was choosing you every time they hang out with you.
A few couples were married and had other partners as well. The other partners were out in the open and welcome in the house and appeared to be scheduled to fit everyone in.
I'm not poly - so like gonacks outsiders view but I have seen it work really well. Many times over.
JoJoX
04-01-2014, 09:55 AM
Let me be brutally honest here. All guys cheat, it's simple. Even in monogamous relationships, there are other women.
All my friends sleep around behind their girlfriends/wifes back. And you don't want to know what we're discussing when you're not around.
So if you say to a guy "We are in an open relationship.", what do you think he's gonna do?
Of course he's going to take it to mean you are MORE LIKELY to forgive his promiscous behaviour.
It's not our fault, it's just the way we are. So I don't think you should really blame the guy here. Just forgive him. At the moment everyone is thinking too emotionally and getting angry towards the guy without trying to understand what is going on.
Pro-tip:- We are actually LESS likely to cheat and will respect you more if you say you want a monogomous relationship.
Let me be brutally honest here--- this is the most ignorant response I ever heard in my life. And "Pro" tip? Boy, believe me, you are way far from a pro. You are severely uninformed. Your information is so severe that I can't even begin to correct you. My god.
!TheOne
04-06-2014, 10:14 AM
"I cheat all the time. But it's ok because I have no self-control. Also, no other men have self-control. Women should accept this fact and greet us with an angelic but knowing smile when we come home from a 'late night at the office,' and then give us a delightful blowjob of forgiveness just to show us that there are no hard feelings. That's just how men and women are made. So I don't understand why you are all so mad."
"Ok, I know I just said all men cheat, but women are made different, ok? You women have to want to be monogamous. Otherwise you don't deserve respect. And then you will not be able to catch a fine upstanding man like me."
!TheOne, every time a member here posts about problems with someone who happens to be male, like their boyfriend not caring/committing or their boyfriend cheating, you side with the male party by default no matter how much of a jerk he's being. If you want to do that there are much better places on the internet than Stripperweb (try Reddit, they have a really dedicated fanbase of people just like you and your friends who use biological fatalism to excuse whatever awful garbage they feel like doing.) Here though, you will get your head chewed off by people who KNOW they don't have to settle for a partner who lies and cheats.
OP made this thread for support, not to be told it's wrong to feel upset and betrayed by her partner. That's so backwards.
I suppose whenever one of those threads are posted, I tend to see things from the guys perspective.
imho I think there are worse monsters than a guy who cheats on his partner. At least guys who cheat aren't going to assualt women or abuse them. What about an actual scumbag who assualts women, like the customers in your club?
Anyway, I can't really respond much because I was warned about the last post. So OP, go ahead and dump this cheating bastard.
carolina6
04-11-2014, 09:53 AM
To the OP, I think that the first serious relationship is always very difficult to end. You haven't been through a serious break up yet, so you aren't sure you can do it and survive. You will though. And you'll probably have many serious relationships and terrible break ups in your life. Look at it as practice, and a challenge you will get through, like training for a marathon. You will feel extremely proud of yourself after a few weeks on your own.
I know close to nothing about poly relationships, but I agree with everyone else that this man doesn't respect you or deserve any of your time. There could be another man or woman who is the love of your life, looking for the opportunity to come into your life, and you are too busy wasting your time on this dirtbag.
You are only hurting yourself by continuing to communicate with him, and deep down you know it. Listen to the voice in your head that is telling you to move on for good.
lemiwinks31
04-14-2014, 01:21 PM
I suppose whenever one of those threads are posted, I tend to see things from the guys perspective.
imho I think there are worse monsters than a guy who cheats on his partner. At least guys who cheat aren't going to assualt women or abuse them. What about an actual scumbag who assualts women, like the customers in your club?
Anyway, I can't really respond much because I was warned about the last post. So OP, go ahead and dump this cheating bastard.
not all guys, just ones like you.
So you think that just because there are WORSE scumbags out there(ie, cowards that assault women) You think she should put up with the kind of scumbag that cheats?
And i think what you mean when you say 'all men cheat' is........all men who are too cowardly or immature to live up to a promise that they made to someone who they supposedly care about, cheat. If you are incapable of being monogomous.......dont fucking get into a monogomous relationship.
lemiwinks31
04-14-2014, 01:36 PM
OP...the point isnt whether the relationship is poly or mono.....or however you classify it. It has to do with him not respecting you or the relationship. If you take him back, he will realize that you are OK with him not respecting you or the relationship.
Loneliness and hurt feelings will pass. Dump him and dont look back ever. Take him back, and the feelings you are having will last until you DO have the courage to dump the loser. Its just a matter of how much respect you have for yourself.
Aniela
04-15-2014, 01:32 PM
I'd completely disagree. That's just the complete opposite of my experience.
I know guys who get a ton of women, and they've never hit women or talked about hitting women. Not violent or aggressive.
On the otherhand, I know an equal amount of angry and frustrated men who have trouble with women. They talk about being violent to women and say how they "just feel like slapping the bitch" etc...
Do you think they are abusive because MAYBE they feel a little resentment towards women?
Who's going to get violent and abuse his woman? Some dude who is too busy cheating on his woman? Or some needy, overly attached dude who loves his woman to death and would never cheat on her?
I've just never come across your situation, where a guy has women fawn over him, and is still abusive towards women.
The only type of guy who would have good looks and no trouble with women, and yet would still beat up women would be an actual Psychopath. Which is a very small percentage of the population.
So I don't know, you probably date a lot of psychopaths if you're saying that you've had guys cheat on you and also abuse you.
The problem I & sm others have w/ all this ^^^^ is that you are trying to make them mutually exclusive. The fact is, they are not. Just b/c you have nvr come across a situation does not mean it cannot POSSIBLY have happened.
Abuse is also not as obvious as dotting your SO's eye b/c your toast was undercooked. Or maybe it has to be, in your circle where all the guys you know are Olympic-class gymnasts of morality who can always find a way to justify their cheating & whatever other bad behaviour.
OP, whatever the status of your relationship (open, poly, mono, whatever), your bf is a damn tosser. So toss him. You deserve better.
Aniela
04-17-2014, 05:25 PM
Why do we keep quiet about it? Because we know it would upset you.
Even if girls say that they're fine with it, they'll start making these little occasional comments to emotionally blackmail you and make you feel bad.
Perhaps OPs boyfriend just wanted to keep things simple and didn't want to hurt her feelings?
If the OP's bf really wanted to 'keep things simple & not hurt her feelings' he would not be pulling this crap in the first place. He would either get on an even footing w/ her in the relationship or completely let go of her. He is full of shit & so are you.
Djoser
04-17-2014, 09:38 PM
This notion that only men who cannot pick up or otherwise acquire women easily are the ones who get physically abusive is one of the most inaccurate things I have ever read on SW.
Anyone who has ever seen the pimps in action knows this is a crock. In fact the worst physical abusers of women are often incredibly successful at bedding them--from what I have seen myself, heard from many others, and read about elsewhere.
Though the motivation deep down may indeed be some sort of resentment towards women stemming from an early age. Many of the most 'successful' stud types are actually seeking a way to put down women by fucking as many as possible & dumping them, even if they don't resort to physical force.
!TheOne
04-18-2014, 01:12 AM
If the OP's bf really wanted to 'keep things simple & not hurt her feelings' he would not be pulling this crap in the first place. He would either get on an even footing w/ her in the relationship or completely let go of her. He is full of shit & so are you.
I didn't say she should forgive him or stay with him. She should dump him if that's the best thing for her.
I'm simply pointing out the motives for a guy cheating. It's not because he doesn't care or he wants to hurt her feelings. It's for validation reasons.
The thing I wanted to point out is that even is a woman says she's fine with you sleeping around, she really isn't. That's my experience. Although everyone will disagree with that I'll bet.
Sabihah
04-18-2014, 02:22 AM
I'm simply pointing out the motives for a guy cheating. It's not because he doesn't care or he wants to hurt her feelings. It's for validation reasons.
The need for validation might explain him deciding to seek sex outside the relationship, but it doesn't explain him keeping it from her when it would have been totally acceptable if he'd only followed their rules.
If he's worried about "emotional blackmail," what's the point of being in a poly relationship in the first place? I don't think you understand how these relationships work AT ALL.
Nobody but a complete idiot really believes that cheating and lying about it "keeps things simple" or spares hurt feelings. Word usually gets out eventually, and then simplicity is out the window and feelings are considerably more hurt than they ever would have been without the lies - especially in the context of an open relationship.
JoJoX was right on the mark:
It blows my mind when someone has the privilege to be in a poly relationship and cannot follow one simple ass rule. NO LYING!
If you can't be a decent human being in your relationships, don't fucking have them.
Optimist
04-18-2014, 09:05 PM
The thread has been cleared of the off topic conversation that got away from being strictly about the OP. Feel free to start a general discussion on abusers, cheaters, etc. and keep this thread for supporting the OP.