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pinklemonade0
10-07-2015, 01:15 AM
Please be careful with ephedrine. When I was in high school my friend started taking it and she got very ill.

Also, your first paragraph is amazing. I've had to do similar and I have less friends now but at least the ones I have are good people.

I've been struggling a bit as in pain all stemming from the accident years ago and I'm scared I may have to have another surgery (hopefully not) but at least with camming I could still work if I had it done. Well maybe not standing up but I could still work. I just get a bit down about it sometimes because I feel when you add it all up I've been through a lot in my life but all I can do is keep trying. Life isn't fair sometimes and I don't know why I expect it to be. I have friends with similar stories. I just wish this pain would stop (woke up this morning with it when I was lying in bed).

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-07-2015, 02:29 AM
Please be careful with ephedrine. When I was in high school my friend started taking it and she got very ill.


I'll be careful, promise. Thanks for the concern though! :)
The issue with ephedrine is it's a stimulant, that is: it makes your body release stress hormones and causes all the disruptions related to stress. So on a scale it's harder than caffeine but gentler than amphetamines. Part of my hormonal issue is low to no norepinephrine (stress hormone precursor) on depressed days. Which means lethargy keeps me from doing shit until I have accumulated enough caffeine-based adrenaline to get me moving. Mistime the caffeine and I get either insomnia or continual crashes. Going for a pretty natural source (plant-based) and controlled doses to see if it does the job of resetting my circadian cycles and basically waking me up at reasonable times with a bit of energy. As my stress hormone levels are all very low during depression anyway, I can only realistically overshoot by a little bit. My main fear is that I have had mixed episodes without noticing and that I'll take it during a mixed episode and have a massive meltdown.

If GPs understood the bipolar spectrum better perhaps we would be allowed small measures of adrenaline shots for depression and of GABA and dopanine for mania, but sadly we're stuck trying home remedies. On the plus side: if ephedra concentrate and then ephedrine in pill form works, any bipolar spectrum camgirls on here can be the first to find out. :)

anonymous camgirl
10-07-2015, 06:56 AM
Have you been to the doctor? You fatigue could be thyroid and or iron related.. Ephedrin is a realy dangerous bad way to go. Especially if you have a problem like I mentioned. You could end up with a heart attack.. Not to mention a lot of mental issues are related to thyroid problems.. I know.. I have a thyroid problem.. and the whole time I have been sick and not treated.. I had depression , attempted suicide.. really bad mood swings, irritated, anxiety etc etc.. all is gone except depression due to financial circumstances and not being able to work as much as I like and to much household , medical /dental expenses...


Welcome, Nirvana! Sorry to hear what you've been through. :( Getting rid of negative people is always a big one, or at least it was for me. I found out a while ago I was surrounded by people who reminded me of some darker aspects of my past. I don't know why I collected these people, but I avoid them now and cut people out as soon as they look like they will turn out that way. It looks antisocial to most friends and family, but the peace of mind is amazing. Also, to be honest: the power. Knowing I am strong and smart and free enough to just say bye-bye to anyone and everyone has ended a very bad cycle of paranoia about dependence and destitution.

I'm feeling a lot better today. But I'm also angry at myself for needing a lie in. I wish I could just get up at four in the morning and go to bed at ten or eleven every day, but I can't and when I do it can trigger such a complete rundown that I need rest the next day. I'm glad I made the most of yesterday, don't get me wrong, but I'm also annoyed that I have two days left in this "week" and only one of them can be an early-morning full day. On the other hand, if I got up at six one day I'd still need to sleep til eight or ten the next, so I may as well go crazy with my early mornings. I hate having no choice about this.

I'm considering trying ephedrin to see if it breaks my lethargy, but I'm a bit reserved as it may also ruin my appetite further and send my mania into overdrive. At least it isn't amphetamines or SSRIs. If next month I'm on here a lot more because I can't focus on shit, you'll know why. Can't be worse than hormone therapy was, though.

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-07-2015, 11:50 AM
Have you been to the doctor? You fatigue could be thyroid and or iron related.. Ephedrin is a realy dangerous bad way to go. Especially if you have a problem like I mentioned. You could end up with a heart attack.. Not to mention a lot of mental issues are related to thyroid problems.. I know.. I have a thyroid problem.. and the whole time I have been sick and not treated.. I had depression , attempted suicide.. really bad mood swings, irritated, anxiety etc etc.. all is gone except depression due to financial circumstances and not being able to work as much as I like and to much household , medical /dental expenses...

No thyroid issues, just an inherited lack of certain hormone receptors. SSRIs are dangerous in my family, caffeine sort of gets me by but fails me, hormone therapy was a disaster because more estrogen doesn't actually fix all women's problems, to my doctor's surprise, and interacted very badly. Low cycling hormones are the root cause, hence, if I take something known to boost norepinephrine, I should get a benefit. Still starting off with a teeny, tiny dose because I'm actually worried it could be another failed attempt, but just need to see if it clears my head and motivates me any better than caffeine.

justanothercamgirl
10-07-2015, 12:02 PM
No thyroid issues, just an inherited lack of certain hormone receptors. SSRIs are dangerous in my family, caffeine sort of gets me by but fails me, hormone therapy was a disaster because more estrogen doesn't actually fix all women's problems, to my doctor's surprise, and interacted very badly. Low cycling hormones are the root cause, hence, if I take something known to boost norepinephrine, I should get a benefit. Still starting off with a teeny, tiny dose because I'm actually worried it could be another failed attempt, but just need to see if it clears my head and motivates me any better than caffeine.

This is why I smoke on occasion when I really need it. When Provigil/Modafinil is just not helping and caffeine has failed me I always turn to nicotine as my last ditch effort when I need energy.

It always surprises people that I only smoke occasionally (I don't have an addictive personality) and when people comment about it I always tell them I am smoking for my health. (Technically, I vape but they are both bad for you in their own ways.)

Edited to add: I should mention that drugs like Ritalin just put me to sleep. My brain is really weird.

anonymous camgirl
10-07-2015, 12:51 PM
Usually stimultants put you to sleep when your adrenal glands are shot to hell and burned out...LOL.. I am sure you already know that cuz you are one Smart Chicky! Love ya!


This is why I smoke on occasion when I really need it. When Provigil/Modafinil is just not helping and caffeine has failed me I always turn to nicotine as my last ditch effort when I need energy.

It always surprises people that I only smoke occasionally (I don't have an addictive personality) and when people comment about it I always tell them I am smoking for my health. (Technically, I vape but they are both bad for you in their own ways.)

Edited to add: I should mention that drugs like Ritalin just put me to sleep. My brain is really weird.

Aurora14
10-07-2015, 01:21 PM
I stumbled across this thread, and honestly, this is a difficult issue for me. Maybe some of you can relate to my situation...

I was diagnosed Bipolar when I was hospitalized at 17 for suicidal ideations. I was suicidal and depressed from 13 to about 24 years old.

I have struggled with being on prescription meds for depression and Bipolar, such as zoloft, wellbutrin, seroquil, paxil, gabapentin, lithium (the only one that truly worked, but I couldn't stand the side effects), and many more that I just don't remember the names of. So most of my life I have cycled between being sober and taking prescription meds, and then being fucked up all the time by using street drugs. I had years of cocaine, ecstasy, and alcohol use as well as LSD, mushrooms, GHB, ketamine, and heroin.

I unquoted the other stuff because it is (what I believe to be) such a close personal issue.

But I can relate to most of this. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I could never find meds to work because of the initial first few weeks needed to stabilize would make me bonkers. I was receiving disability for it, but I went in for a re-eveluation an a stable day and the Dr said I was faking it (ya, I was TOTALLY faking it for 8 years). So sex work is the best fit for my unstableness. I'm still pretty erratic (as my post history can show) but got lucky finding my husband. I was also lucky enough to be business minded on my good days. When I'm in a good time, I save A LOT because I know how I am when I go off the deep end.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. it is possible to find happiness even with mental issues. We just have to try 10 times harder to get it. But it is worth the effort.

justanothercamgirl
10-07-2015, 06:28 PM
Usually stimultants put you to sleep when your adrenal glands are shot to hell and burned out...LOL.. I am sure you already know that cuz you are one Smart Chicky! Love ya!

https://media.giphy.com/media/YIOGAwoTTjDuE/giphy.gif

evielee
10-12-2015, 10:03 AM
I am so screwed.
I honestly don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I can't admit to myself that I have given up though my actions prove otherwise. I can't even blame anyone but myself because I control my actions, why then do I feel like I have no control?
I am about to lose everything and still I can't force myself to push through and work to make the money I need to survive. I feel like I have lost hope. I used to think that was my biggest quality that no matter what happened to me I got back up because I saw something waiting for me if I just fought through. I don't have any fight left in me I just keep submitting to failure.

I could try and say its my man but what kind of woman lets a man get away with how he is? His actions are his own and I can't control him but I should at least have a voice and tell him what's on my mind. He contributes nothing, at most he contributes watching our son for 2 hours during the day and acts like he had a hard day. I am so weighed down by life. Taking care of our dogs by myself, constantly taking care of our son except when he takes them for those two hours, I have all the cleaning to do. He does nothing and we have talked about it so many times. I have told him I needed help so many times and he wont. He said I had to ask him for what I wanted, why can't he just see there is dishes and do them? Or see the dogs are stressed out and walk them? Anything would help and he does nothing. Then acts like he had a hard day. Then its time for my baby to go to sleep and I get him down and have no energy left. But that's isn't my reason because being tired has never held me back before.

I went to the doctors several times in the past few months. I was convinced something was physically wrong with me. There had to be, why else would I be acting like a crazy person? She said it was my anxiety causing it all including high blood pressure. I had her test me for things anyway and it all came back negative. I am physically fine and just losing my mind. She upped this medication Celexa, I think its for depression I don't even know or care anymore. it does nothing for me. She gave me blood pressure medication a beta blocker ...what's the point.

I know what I have to lose and it still can't snap me out of it. My family depends on me, everyone relies on me. My three dogs, my baby, my boyfriend. First the apartment will be lost, ill lose my dogs, who knows where they will go and they are my babies always there for me and in an instant they will go to someone else someone that might hurt them or not love them enough. Then we will live in a hotel room maybe or stay with some of his family on a floor. It's all if I don't lose my freedom first. If I lose my freedom then ill just rot away and not know what happens to my family. This would all motivate most people wouldn't it? All I can do is fall deeper and feel utterly incapable of changing my situation. Like I have no control over anything I do.

If I could stop being this way I could potentially dig myself out pretty quickly. Why Can't I do it. Why am I giving up. Money wont be the answer to all my problems but it would at least be the answer to half of it which is all financial related. I feel I have tried everything. Yoga, medication, meditation, walks, relaxation, tough love on myself, talking myself up, talking myself down. Yet I feel frozen when it all comes down to it. completely incapable of changing. WHAT THE F*** is wrong with me.

Glamourmilf
10-12-2015, 10:28 AM
Day 2 after my move and every muscle in my body hurts. I've had a migraine for the entire time too. Arghh!!
Packing boxes was bad enough, but when the slack job of a mover expected me to lift my boxes....Well, let's just say that put me over the edge.
That's the first, and LAST time I try to cut moving expenses by hiring by the cheapness of the rate.

SubSpace666
10-13-2015, 03:57 AM
If I could stop being this way I could potentially dig myself out pretty quickly. Why Can't I do it. Why am I giving up. Money wont be the answer to all my problems but it would at least be the answer to half of it which is all financial related. I feel I have tried everything. Yoga, medication, meditation, walks, relaxation, tough love on myself, talking myself up, talking myself down. Yet I feel frozen when it all comes down to it. completely incapable of changing. WHAT THE F*** is wrong with me.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of a mental blockage if evrything physically came back fine. I'm not sure what to tell you if have have tried everything. Please don't give up girl. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. Have you seen an actual therapist? Also, it seems as though you are not lucky to have your boyfriend at all. It sounds like my situation with my last ex where I supported him financially for two years whle he lived with me and did nothing but make me feel more stressed out and cause more issues. We need to get rid of people like that. He is not your responsabilty. I think you should ditch him and just focus on your dogs and baby, and then find a support group or therapist to speak with and try to get to the route of your issue, while maintaining a support system of others that share your issues and then you won't feel so alone and isolated. You could always try to hire a sitter or ask close friends or family for help. Tell the that you are about to crack, and that you need help while you analyze your situation and that you're trying to reevaluate our life and make progress. Also, I know how special animals are, and they can be therapeutic, but if they are causing you more stress, you may want to consider putting them up for adoption at a no-kill shelter. Or if it makes you feel a little better, try selling them on Craigslist and that way you can try to weed out the weirdos or potentially dangerous people that might hurt them. Other than that, since it sounds like you've tried everything, I don't really know what to say, but please don't give up. You could have a beautiful life someday and wonder why you ever felt like this. Hang in there chica

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-14-2015, 05:28 AM
Still no sign of my order but I'm being patient. Hard times due to a death and needing to recover my mental/spiritual/hormonal energy, but pushing through and working. :)

And yeah, stimulants have odd effects on people with mood swings. Some days I'm down and they boost me, some days I'm up and they calm me, some days I'm down and they crash me. The only consistent one is depression+morning lethargy+caffeine= faster to wake up and move.

xCamLovex
10-14-2015, 05:47 PM
has anyone ever messed up their menstrual cycle by camming? I've been working long hours and playing with a lot of toys. My period is soooooooo late. PMS is raging and I'm hoping it will just happen already.

thatgingercamgirl
10-15-2015, 09:44 PM
I am so screwed.
I honestly don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I can't admit to myself that I have given up though my actions prove otherwise. I can't even blame anyone but myself because I control my actions, why then do I feel like I have no control?
If I could stop being this way I could potentially dig myself out pretty quickly. Why Can't I do it. Why am I giving up. Money wont be the answer to all my problems but it would at least be the answer to half of it which is all financial related. I feel I have tried everything. Yoga, medication, meditation, walks, relaxation, tough love on myself, talking myself up, talking myself down. Yet I feel frozen when it all comes down to it. completely incapable of changing. WHAT THE F*** is wrong with me.

Hang in there lady, quite a few of us have been here. NaughtyNirvana has some good advice for you, you need to release any dead weight that is holding you back, and you'll be surprised how much better you feel. Sometimes our bodies are trying to tell us we need change, asap. Look at your life, have a tiny bit of hope, ask for help from people you can trust, and figure out what your priorities are. It does get better, once you give into the change that is coming :)

KatM
10-16-2015, 03:12 AM
^^^ Yes to this and N.Nirvana post, i think that man doing nothing to help you & ur kid is just the reason u feeling this way, u have no motivation cause u get no reward for ur hard work, we all need a reward for the hard work we do, i was in a similar situation with my son, he was studying but no job in his 1st year at university & we had to pay his school taxes plus living costs, my parents helped too with taxes but it was mainly on me & i was soo stressed out cause i was not making enough from camming also due to high stress & income expectations, i felt i'll break & then i told my son & my family that i'll not move a finger to get myself up for work if situation dont change asap.
The 2nd year in university my son transferred to distance learning classes & started to look for a job, now he's working, he started the 3rd & last year in university & supports all expenses together with me, things are a lot better & i dont have soo much pressure on myself like before.
When we have an argument & he's acting up i tell him "Look, if u misbehave i'll do nothing in the house anymore, no cooking, no dishes, no laundry, no cleaning, nothing, not working, i'll let everything fall over us & become a mountain of dirt.
Now my son is a big boy but ur kid might be smaller & need ur attention, u could do what is needed for the kid but not for the man, he seems a real looser and loosers dont deserve good women.
I wish u to get well and sort out ur life, pls remember u dont need a man in ur life if the only thing he has to offer u is a dick, aim for more pls.

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-19-2015, 01:16 AM
So I missed a great shift and a "I gotta try this" shift due to awful sleep and morning lethargy so bad I couldn't get up. Seems my paranoia has synced with nights and my downs with days and the combination is awful. I'm alert until two or three in the morning, curled in a ball trying not to wake my husband up to tell him I'm sure the world's ending (Saturday night) or I poisoned myself (Sunday night) and that I'm 100% positive it's actually happening this time. And then when he gets up a couple of hours later I can't move and can't sleep. I'm so tired now that I've managed to bruise and cut myself all over my arms and legs in a single hour of household chores and I am anxious about doing cams in this state... but I also really want the money and my energy is spiking on its own with the anxiety, so I really, really, really want to get the work in before I crash and burn.

justanothercamgirl
10-22-2015, 09:56 PM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d6/11/70/d611708a9a271b6b428ea675d2400793.jpg

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-23-2015, 12:49 AM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d6/11/70/d611708a9a271b6b428ea675d2400793.jpg

An acquaintance I see a lot is one of the worst.
He always asks why I look unwell or tired. He always complains that I'm quiet or hyper or talk too much. He notices and comments when I zone out or respond to something in my head rather than in the conversation. And yet he has the nerve to insist my diagnosed disorder is in my head because I "don't look depressed".

I give up with some people, I really do.

justanothercamgirl
10-23-2015, 06:25 AM
An acquaintance I see a lot is one of the worst.
He always asks why I look unwell or tired. He always complains that I'm quiet or hyper or talk too much. He notices and comments when I zone out or respond to something in my head rather than in the conversation. And yet he has the nerve to insist my diagnosed disorder is in my head because I "don't look depressed".

I give up with some people, I really do.

The one that drives me the craziest is when people tell me that I am 'just using my illness to make excuses/be lazy.'

It is during those moments that I truly understand why people with my disorder are eight times more likely to commit suicide.

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-23-2015, 07:13 AM
The one that drives me the craziest is when people tell me that I am 'just using my illness to make excuses/be lazy.'

It is during those moments that I truly understand why people with my disorder are eight times more likely to commit suicide.

I had someone say mine was "an excuse to be immature". It makes me contemplate homicide more than suicide these days, though...

Glamourmilf
10-23-2015, 08:07 AM
^^^^^Or the comment I usually get is, "Your back feels like that? You look so strong and healthy to me. Besides, You're too young and pretty to have that."

Huh? What does being young and pretty have to do with having scoliosis and arthritis, and degenerative disc disease?
I've stopped telling friends that I suffer from anxiety, and hate crowds and loud noises.
They all just look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. Does not compute in their minds.

KatM
10-23-2015, 08:35 AM
When mom was here recently & i had to go with her to sort out some legal situation i asked her time to time to give me her walking stick so i can put my weight on it & bend my body to the front a little cause i could not walk anymore due to severe back pain.
I got in tears on the street seeing myself in that situation, fearing for the future & picturing all kind of things in my mind.
Besides four herniated disks on my lower & middle back i also have arthritis so my spine is modified already & will degrade in time even more; since 2 days my lower arms hurt a lot, i dont even know what it hurts, joints, muscles, flesh, it just hurts & dont know what to use to release pain, most probably is a rheumatic condition cause i get this pain in cold humid season but not in summer.
Whatever, the ones who matter will understand, who does not understand dont matter anyway.
Be healthy babes xxx

justanothercamgirl
10-23-2015, 11:50 AM
I've definitely noticed that when you are a young, attractive women with a cane it seems to freak other young people the fuck out. They will keep staring at you and looking away quickly because it does not compute in their brain. They only associate using a cane with those who are either old, overweight or with a visibly twisted spine. I think it messes with their self-delusion that they will be young and youthful forever.

People would completely avoid the aisle I was in as if they were afraid that they would catch whatever it was that was making me sick enough to use the cane and I know this isn't just my perspective because the other people who I would go shopping with noticed it too.

I mean I logically get it is human nature to fear 'the unknown' so I don't blame anyone for their reaction but I am a human being and being subjected to that sort of thing on a regular basis emotionally hurts.

sovereignv
10-23-2015, 07:29 PM
]So happy for you, camgirl. ^u^

My sick girls note: Should I view mania as a good day or a bad day? Because I'm getting shit done, making bank and happy, but I know I will crash and burn in two days. And then I'll not work and hate myself for it. And I don't have the energy for another crash followed by a period followed by depression cause I haven't worked in two weeks.

I want to try hormones again but I'm scared because last time it evened me out til I was numb and made me bleed for a month straight. :/

Are manias a recurring problem for you? Sorry if this is a bit personal to ask. I used to have dreadful manic/mixed states when I was younger (I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II) - especially of the type where I would feel awful but wouldn't be without energy, just incredibly agitated and unable to slow down + in constant mental pain. They put me on Lamotrigine which isn't something I'd want to take these days but it does take the edge of mania a bit if you have bipolar and if you're in a state where your manias are basically killing you like mine were, it's useful to get you out of that at least. Best of luck!! Don't beat yourself up over feeling bad when you eventually do - there's certain things that can't be controlled.

... anyone else with ADHD? Haha. I don't get much trouble from the bipolar these days in a camming-related sense but I do from the ADHD. Pretty sure my constant fidgeting and multitasking is a bit off a turn off on cam, but what can you do. At least the medication I get for it is great for increasing productivity!

ETA: Sorry, didn't realize the post I quoted was so old, hah. I don't check this thread often enough. My thoughts go out to all my fellow camming bb's with mental health issues... and all other health issues for that matter.

I always found one of the more annoying things about bipolar to be how fucking hard it is to be consistent with any sort of goal or desire. One day I'll be like "yes, I'm going to dedicate myself to this, I'm going to make so much money, blah blah blah" the next "I don't need money, all I need is my cat and my violin, I will make it" the next "I DON'T NEED ANYTHING, GOD WILL PROVIDE FOR ME, HIS DAUGHTER" and after that "I will never be able to do anything so why even bother" and it goes on...

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-24-2015, 01:11 AM
Are manias a recurring problem for you? Sorry if this is a bit personal to ask. I used to have dreadful manic/mixed states when I was younger (I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II) - especially of the type where I would feel awful but wouldn't be without energy, just incredibly agitated and unable to slow down + in constant mental pain. They put me on Lamotrigine which isn't something I'd want to take these days but it does take the edge of mania a bit if you have bipolar and if you're in a state where your manias are basically killing you like mine were, it's useful to get you out of that at least. Best of luck!! Don't beat yourself up over feeling bad when you eventually do - there's certain things that can't be controlled.

... anyone else with ADHD? Haha. I don't get much trouble from the bipolar these days in a camming-related sense but I do from the ADHD. Pretty sure my constant fidgeting and multitasking is a bit off a turn off on cam, but what can you do. At least the medication I get for it is great for increasing productivity!

ETA: Sorry, didn't realize the post I quoted was so old, hah. I don't check this thread often enough. My thoughts go out to all my fellow camming bb's with mental health issues... and all other health issues for that matter.

I always found one of the more annoying things about bipolar to be how fucking hard it is to be consistent with any sort of goal or desire. One day I'll be like "yes, I'm going to dedicate myself to this, I'm going to make so much money, blah blah blah" the next "I don't need money, all I need is my cat and my violin, I will make it" the next "I DON'T NEED ANYTHING, GOD WILL PROVIDE FOR ME, HIS DAUGHTER" and after that "I will never be able to do anything so why even bother" and it goes on...

It's OK. ^^
I've had them since I was very little. Since I more or less finished puberty they've been more even, but still unpredictable compared to depression. They swing around on a daily basis a bit, but only get troublesome once or twice a week at the most frequent. Right now I've been on five days of recurring night-time mania followed by paranoia, followed by morning blankness and lethargy and then an energy spike at midday that lasts until early in the morning.

The worst part really is that I feel so productive when I'm manic that I actually feel normal and, even though it's wearing me down, I don't want it to stop because hey look at me, I'm doing things like a normal, healthy human!

QueenBitch
10-24-2015, 03:09 AM
^that last part, so much yes. when I'm hypomanic I get shit done and I think "wow this is what a normal person does. I'm so jealous"

MyRealNameIsWeird
10-24-2015, 06:27 AM
^that last part, so much yes. when I'm hypomanic I get shit done and I think "wow this is what a normal person does. I'm so jealous"

Its one of the few things my first therapist actually got right. It really hurt to see someone for depression cycles and have them point out that the rest of the time I still wasn't normal. I loved my mania. I still sort of do, even though now I can see what's wrong with it. It hurts to realize that it's part of the problem and that my "flat" mood may be as close to normal as I get.

QueenBitch
10-25-2015, 11:16 PM
it's pretty confrontational isn't it :/ I especially hate when people ask me what I'm "really" like without meds and think that I don't NEED them. uhhh I'm just depressed for weeks or months at a time without meds with way less periods of being "normal" and mania that's way worse. they think I made myself believe I depend on meds. umm no 10+ years of not having a diagnosis and fucking up my life has taught me that I DO need them. who wants to be depressed and dysfunctional all the time?? this IS the real me, just more functional. I can't help it that my brain fucks up on me. ugh.

Chellyinparadise
10-28-2015, 07:08 PM
I just found this thread and was reading through it, all of you ladies are an inspiration and im sorry you are going through these things. I have severe panic and anxiety attacks and suffer from PTSD from an abusive past for over 25 yrs. I find sometimes the guys who are abusive set me off and it makes it hard to work, makes me want to just log off and not come back for the day. But i try and fight through it and pull myself out of that mindset, some days can be really hard to do that. I also tend to have panic attacks in the middle of performing shows and it gets hard to hide at times but it makes you feel awful and all you want to do is click the exit and stop the show. I know once it goes away ill be ok but during that time it feels like youre going to just pass out so hard to deal with. It helps to be able to express things here on the forum, thanks for the support its nice to have somewhere to talk about things.
Its nice to see so much support from you ladies, thanks for that.

OpenBobsBB
10-28-2015, 08:54 PM
this thread honestly makes me feel so much better about my bad days. I have borderline personality disorder and as a result I get really intense, frequent mood swings and sometimes when the abuse from the men piles up on me I have to just shut off my cam no matter what I'm doing and cry/scream/throw shit because it just gets to be SO much. I also get pretty bad anxiety about chatting when nobody is striking up a conversation and I feel so humiliated just talking to myself. I used to worry about my self harm scars too when I was first getting into camming but luckily they don't really show up on camera.

anyways I'm really glad this thread and all you lovely people exist. it's good to vent and be inspired by y'all

CharlieTen
10-31-2015, 07:12 AM
Social anxiety/bouts of depression has made me want to cam more than actually do real world things.
I just want to save up so I can travel, swim in warm seas and drink mojitos on a beach.
I hate crowds, I hate living in a place where everyone is psychotic or on drugs. I hate people asking me 'so what do you do for a living?' I hate people trying to talk to me and making assumptions about me. I hate guys saying 'I think you're really amazing and just want to get to know you better', because no, they don't care about getting to know me. Once they know me they will run away. People only want me for selfish reasons.

I went to a halloween party last night and got a big case of the 'Why the fuck am I here nobody wants me here I had 4 rum and cokes already why am I not drunk' and then I embarrassed myself publicly and went home and cried into some cheesy chips.
Seriously, real world people are awful. Why not just stay at home and play with myself for people who think I'm amazing and perfect instead of having to prove myself to people?
I don't have any real friends...at least it doesn't feel like that. They are all at university or living their lives or having new relationships and I feel thoroughly forgotten about.

The people I like don't understand me and they keep me at an arm's length. Whenever I get close to someone they usually just want to get into bed with me, then I don't want to do that and it gets awkward and hey, surprise surprise I'm all alone again. I make an effort to make friends but I just feel like I'm getting ignored all the time. I feel like a have a lot to give a true friend but they are so few and far between and people my age are so fickle...and how am I meant to meet new people if I hate clubs, bars, and parties?

Maybe that's why I like camming so much, because it makes me feel special... it's really sad but my customers care more about me than anyone I know in real life, bar my mother.
Just needed a place to vent girls, sorry for the depressiveness.

Chellyinparadise
11-01-2015, 01:54 PM
Social anxiety/bouts of depression has made me want to cam more than actually do real world things.
I just want to save up so I can travel, swim in warm seas and drink mojitos on a beach.
I hate crowds, I hate living in a place where everyone is psychotic or on drugs. I hate people asking me 'so what do you do for a living?' I hate people trying to talk to me and making assumptions about me. I hate guys saying 'I think you're really amazing and just want to get to know you better', because no, they don't care about getting to know me. Once they know me they will run away. People only want me for selfish reasons.

I went to a halloween party last night and got a big case of the 'Why the fuck am I here nobody wants me here I had 4 rum and cokes already why am I not drunk' and then I embarrassed myself publicly and went home and cried into some cheesy chips.
Seriously, real world people are awful. Why not just stay at home and play with myself for people who think I'm amazing and perfect instead of having to prove myself to people?
I don't have any real friends...at least it doesn't feel like that. They are all at university or living their lives or having new relationships and I feel thoroughly forgotten about.

The people I like don't understand me and they keep me at an arm's length. Whenever I get close to someone they usually just want to get into bed with me, then I don't want to do that and it gets awkward and hey, surprise surprise I'm all alone again. I make an effort to make friends but I just feel like I'm getting ignored all the time. I feel like a have a lot to give a true friend but they are so few and far between and people my age are so fickle...and how am I meant to meet new people if I hate clubs, bars, and parties?

Maybe that's why I like camming so much, because it makes me feel special... it's really sad but my customers care more about me than anyone I know in real life, bar my mother.
Just needed a place to vent girls, sorry for the depressiveness.

Hugs to you..sorry you felt that way and went through that.. i know how that feels, you have us here whenever you need a pick me up or just someone to talk to.

pinklemonade0
11-07-2015, 08:43 AM
Sorry i deleted my last few posts. i felt i put way too much personal info online. i'm fine now.

justanothercamgirl
11-07-2015, 09:32 AM
Sorry i deleted my last few posts. i felt i put way too much personal info online. i'm fine now.

That is more then okay. <3

pinklemonade0
11-07-2015, 10:48 AM
thank you
it meant a lot to read that
today i went back on both of the sites :)

Glamourmilf
11-07-2015, 12:43 PM
Woke up with the worse headache and backache.
Why?
Oh, I remember now...A cam custie wanted me to squat over him, in a facesitting session for over 20 minutes!
Arching my back, twerking...ouchy!

justanothercamgirl
11-08-2015, 12:25 AM
I think one 'benefit' that comes from being chronically ill with an invisible illness is that it really helps you learn how to be more emphatic towards other people's suffering since you know what it is like to experience living in a world where people constantly accuse you of 'faking it' and being 'lazy' all the time.

I came across this article on Psychology Today while surfing: '4 Things an Empath Never Says (and You Shouldn't Either) Sympathy and empathy: What's the difference?' (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201511/4-things-empath-never-says-and-you-shouldnt-either) It had some points to ponder and since I currently have insomnia and can't sleep, I figured I'd summarize the article and share it with my bbs.

1. I know exactly what you are feeling. I’ve been there, done that.

Yes, you may feel as though you are expressing solidarity with the person but what you are doing is a) making it about you and b) marginalizing the uniqueness of the person’s experience

2. It could always be worse.

You may think that this is a way of inducing perspective but, in fact, it isn’t. Telling someone who is in pain that it’s really not so bad is undercutting and insulting at best.

3. Try to be positive. Maybe it was meant to be.

For most of us, the process of sorting out our feelings when something hurtful or destructive happens is a long one, and we will need support. That support does not include your suggesting that this is a trial which will make us stronger or any other cliches of that ilk.

4. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?

Empathy is not judgmental.

---
It’s been argued that empathy conferred an evolutionary advantage to humans. Since we’re tribal creatures, empathizing with others increased our sense of commitment to the community and to those in it and, additionally, permitted us greater understanding of not just our own feelings but those of others. That’s just as true now as it was millennia ago. Empathy is one of those rare qualities that bestows gifts on both the giver and the recipient.

GettingMoneyHoney
11-08-2015, 05:18 PM
Camming with multiple illnesses is tough, especially on the bad days.
I try to stay positive but it's hard sometimes.
I have been feeling so alone recently and reading this thread shows me I'm not alone and makes me feel a bit better.
Thank you.

AmeliaKent
11-09-2015, 01:59 PM
I've been feeling so low. I haven't cammed in almost three months. I finally started seeing a therapist, and was on the road to feeling better and letting the medication do its damn job, and the insurance company screwed me over. I haven't been able to see her in two weeks. Every time I think about camming I start to hate my body, my hair, and my hustle, and then the guilt sets in. I look at you amazing, wonderful ladies and I see you all power through and make it past your next shift. I see you all making goals, and reaching them. I can't seem to understand why I can't do the same... I know it's not fair to compare myself to anyone else. I know it's just a lifetime of bad self-esteem habits keeping me from my full potential.

Rationally, I recognize all of this. I recognize that if I work out, I'll feel better. If I get online, I'll feel better. If I just start moving again, I'll feel better. For some reason, this guarantee of eventually feeling better doesn't seem to be enough to kick-start my hope. I've had two accounts before this (WinterDeveroux and OliviaWright) and I've been on SM for years and F4F for about half a year. I'm screwing myself over with both sites. I used to have so much fire and love for my work and now it just seems like this terrifying hill I'm too out of shape/out of practice to climb. I'm on medication for everything chemically wrong, and I know this specific issue is behavioral.

I just don't know how to change it. I've tried planning for specials, taking pictures, revitalizing my advertisement; doing things that used to bring me so much joy and excitement... Now, everything just makes me feel like more of a failure when I'm staring at my camera, trying to convince myself to turn it on.

Have any of you felt this way? How did you fix it? Rather, how did you get past these moments to move forward anyways? I feel like if there's anyone out there who understands what I'm struggling with, it will be one of you amazing people. I love my job, so so so much. It's one of the few things I've ever felt good at and happy with. I don't want to lose it.

Help me, Sick Girls Club, you're my only hope.

justanothercamgirl
11-09-2015, 04:42 PM
I've been feeling so low. I haven't cammed in almost three months. I finally started seeing a therapist, and was on the road to feeling better and letting the medication do its damn job, and the insurance company screwed me over. I haven't been able to see her in two weeks. Every time I think about camming I start to hate my body, my hair, and my hustle, and then the guilt sets in. I look at you amazing, wonderful ladies and I see you all power through and make it past your next shift. I see you all making goals, and reaching them. I can't seem to understand why I can't do the same... I know it's not fair to compare myself to anyone else. I know it's just a lifetime of bad self-esteem habits keeping me from my full potential.

Rationally, I recognize all of this. I recognize that if I work out, I'll feel better. If I get online, I'll feel better. If I just start moving again, I'll feel better. For some reason, this guarantee of eventually feeling better doesn't seem to be enough to kick-start my hope. I've had two accounts before this (WinterDeveroux and OliviaWright) and I've been on SM for years and F4F for about half a year. I'm screwing myself over with both sites. I used to have so much fire and love for my work and now it just seems like this terrifying hill I'm too out of shape/out of practice to climb. I'm on medication for everything chemically wrong, and I know this specific issue is behavioral.

I just don't know how to change it. I've tried planning for specials, taking pictures, revitalizing my advertisement; doing things that used to bring me so much joy and excitement... Now, everything just makes me feel like more of a failure when I'm staring at my camera, trying to convince myself to turn it on.

Have any of you felt this way? How did you fix it? Rather, how did you get past these moments to move forward anyways? I feel like if there's anyone out there who understands what I'm struggling with, it will be one of you amazing people. I love my job, so so so much. It's one of the few things I've ever felt good at and happy with. I don't want to lose it.

Help me, Sick Girls Club, you're my only hope.

In order to answer your question, I am going to have to tell you a story about inertia*.

If I told you that scientists did an experiment where they told people that they were going to give them an uncomfortable electrical shock and all they needed to do was to push a button when warned that the shock was coming in order to opt out of being shocked, how many people do you think would push the button to stop the shock?

100%? 50%? The majority of people at least right?

What if I told you that the majority of people allowed themselves to be shocked? Sounds unbelievable doesn't it?

There is a powerful cognitive bias against change, called the “status quo bias.” This means simply that, given the option, people will continue doing what they’re doing—they won’t proactively choose to make a change if they don’t have to.

So far, we have learned that inertia is a bitch.

But, now this is where the experiment gets interesting.

If during practice trials before they actual study people were instructed to press the button that would protect them from the shock, then they were more likely to stop themselves from being shocked. The act of doing this very tiny act of breaking the inertia of pushing the button once made the difference between being able to do so later.

I am sure at this point you are thinking to yourself, "Why the hell is JAC telling me this story?"

In order to break through your own camera inertia you are going to have to start with the smallest steps possible to be able to do it, such as putting your makeup on and getting your computer set up ready. All the things needed in order for you to be able to get to the point to actually be able to get on cam.

Then once you have done all this things and are able to push the button so you are online you need to allow yourself to bail and leave after 5 minutes if you are feeling too much anxiety.

The secret, if there is any secret at all is the acceptance that breaking through inertia is not easy and that you will sometimes you will need to go inch by painful inch to break free from it. <3






(Source: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/were-only-human/when-patients-do-nothing-illness-and-inertia.html)

Glamourmilf
11-11-2015, 03:09 PM
A hairdresser friend sent over his colorist to my house, to do my hair. Because I've only lived in this town for a month and don't know anyone yet, i agreed to it.
O..M...G..!!!
She...NEVER....stopped....talking!! Not even to take a breath. She had a bad case of 'diarrhea of the mouth.'
It was bad enough that I already had anxiety from the thought of having a stranger in my house...AND anxiety that she might f.ck up my hair.
She just left, and my stomach is in knots, and my heart is still racing.
Why, oh, why, do I feel like this? Anyone else get like this?
Thanks
Holy cow.

justanothercamgirl
11-11-2015, 06:03 PM
https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/hphotos-xtf1/t51.2885-15/e15/10593310_706166669451373_1658375031_n.jpg

pinklemonade0
11-19-2015, 10:42 AM
Been really anxious the past few days and today bought some new clothes, got ready, broadcast and about two seconds in felt terrible and shut the computer down and burst into tears.

This morning I was rushing around trying to do too many different things. going into a very busy and hot shop and standing in a queue. Very rushed. Then got back and didn't have time to take a breath. I decided to take the day off although I feel bad for doing so.

MyRealNameIsWeird
11-20-2015, 03:31 AM
So after almost a full month of depression, I can finally bear to get back to social media and forums again. Yay me, I can do something other than curl in a ball, cry, make myself fat and force myself to do my vanilla work whilst smiling and without cutting anyone's throat.

justanothercamgirl
11-20-2015, 02:36 PM
So after almost a full month of depression, I can finally bear to get back to social media and forums again. Yay me, I can do something other than curl in a ball, cry, make myself fat and force myself to do my vanilla work whilst smiling and without cutting anyone's throat.

Little victories are still victories. <3

pinklemonade0
11-20-2015, 05:31 PM
Real, glad that things are picking up a bit for you :).
After the disaster that was yesterday, I went on today, made my goal then left straight away. Tomorrow I hope to stay on longer.

MyRealNameIsWeird
11-21-2015, 12:20 PM
Little victories are still victories. <3


Real, glad that things are picking up a bit for you :).
After the disaster that was yesterday, I went on today, made my goal then left straight away. Tomorrow I hope to stay on longer.

Thanks. :) I actually went out for a walk today. It felt weird, considering I haven't walked for over a few minutes in weeks and always to go somewhere, not just for me. But I need to get outside. Back to work in half an hour. Feeling nervous that my low energy will show, but here goes nothing.

anonymous camgirl
11-21-2015, 12:22 PM
god what a difference my thyroid supplement makes.. been without it for going on 2 days.. was trying to tough it out to wait for it in the mail.. SADLY I cannot.. I am irritated, agitated,, crying.. frustrated.. my bones ache.. nauseous.. want to vomit.. chills.. all because of the thyroid!...

my sister and her friend did a drive by and bought some for me.. she said it's an EMERGENCY!.. which it is cuz I will go ballistic and start raging with out it.. it keeps me so chill, calm, rational and logical...lmao

justanothercamgirl
11-22-2015, 01:01 PM
Can I just rant for a minute about people who take their health for granted and make me want to smack them across the head?

I was talking to a friend the other day who knows I suffer from a chronic illness and she was complaining to me about her being overweight (she is not obese, she is just overweight) and during our conversation she made a snide off-the-cuff remark about how I couldn't possibly know what it was like to suffer day-to-day like she does as I've always maintained an average weight since I've know her and because I was prettier.

I snidely responded back that if I could trade my body with hers in that second that I would. I'll be overweight and 'less pretty' she can have a chronic illness where she is so fatigued half the time that she will be too tired to eat and therefore will have no problem maintaining her weight like I do. She can be as pretty as I am but it will really be irrelevant since she will be spending half of her day in bed anyway.

Her face twisted into an expression as if she had eaten a sour pickle.

I am sorry the grass ain't green on my side of the fence, bitch.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/70/5a/9b/705a9b045531b0bb617d0dc2805a69b7.jpg

Chellyinparadise
11-22-2015, 04:36 PM
Can I just rant for a minute about people who take their health for granted and make me want to smack them across the head?

I was talking to a friend the other day who knows I suffer from a chronic illness and she was complaining to me about her being overweight (she is not obese, she is just overweight) and during our conversation she made a snide off-the-cuff remark about how I couldn't possibly know what it was like to suffer day-to-day like she does as I've always maintained an average weight since I've know her and because I was prettier.

I snidely responded back that if I could trade my body with hers in that second that I would. I'll be overweight and 'less pretty' she can have a chronic illness where she is so fatigued half the time that she will be too tired to eat and therefore will have no problem maintaining her weight like I do. She can be as pretty as I am but it will really be irrelevant since she will be spending half of her day in bed anyway.

Her face twisted into an expression as if she had eaten a sour pickle.

I am sorry the grass ain't green on my side of the fence, bitch.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/70/5a/9b/705a9b045531b0bb617d0dc2805a69b7.jpg

Sorry you had to go through that, it is a shame how some people just lack compassion with others who are already feeling bad. I know how it feels to have others try to make it seem like what you are going through is nowhere near what they are but the reality is usually the ones who are more compassionate are people who go through hard times with physical and emotional hard times because we know how it feels from our standpoint and others as well. I have dealt with severe panic and anxiety attacks, verbal and physical abuse and ptsd and even though ive been through that all i always seem to be the one who is more understanding and compassionate even to the ones who treat me bad because of my big heart. I know how that must of felt for you, and im sorry you had to deal with that but we are all here and understand you and support you in anyway we can. I appreciate all you ladies who are going through things and if anyone ever needs someone to talk to im a pm away. hugs to you all.

ps im not trying to say others are not compassionate, everyone can be compassionate in their own way, im just saying that through our hard times dealing with these things that are debilitating sometimes in our everyday life it makes us feel for those who are hurting and we understand what it feels like. I really wish sometimes i could hug you all when youre going through hard times. I didnt mean to upset anyone by what i said, so hope noone takes it the wrong way just offering support.