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Optimist
04-07-2015, 06:50 AM
I could write forever about this topic in general, but just dropped in to say I had my first almost-panic attack at work last night! I didn't have one thank god, but it was an all time low for my anxiety by a long shot.

I knew something was up right when I got off the train, but held it together and forced myself to get inside the building/pay close to $200 in fees and tipouts. By the time I got into my heels I was having a hard time breathing and walking, though. I sat down to touch up my makeup/collect myself, but this pushy hair guy I'd never met started chatting me up and putting product in my hair. I brushed him off eventually, but it rattled me hard. I couldn't even pretend to do my makeup at that point because my hands were shaking so hard I couldn't even reach them to my face! I LITERALLY KEPT MISSING MY FACE.

Somehow I made it downstairs. I got a free house drink and spilled half of it on myself, which sucks because alcohol works in a pinch if I'm stuck without benzos. I had to clutch on the backs of chairs in order to leave the bar and walk across the floor. Almost fell up the stairs (which are in a very noticeable place to the club!) a few times. I finally got to the dressing room but was unable to communicate that I needed to go for like half an hour. Not that it would have mattered, because it's not like I could have actually walked out the door if I got permission! It took me another half an hour to feel safe walking.

I didn't piss anyone off and still have my job, but holy shit did I look crazy. I must've looked like I had epilepsy. It was so fucking humiliating. I've had anxiety and occasional panic attacks forever, but never in public, much less at work.

I'm going to ask for my job back at an old club. The idea of showing my face at this club anytime soon is just too much. I know that nobody there cares about me, but knowing that doesn't change how I feel.

At least I finally got off my ass and got a new rx for Klonipin..

You probably have a lot of people at work who can relate to your struggle. I've seen girls shake, sit off to the side a bit dazed. Take care of yourself emotionally and see if you don't feel better about returning to the club later. Really only an ignorant person or assclown would think less of you for feeling ill.

kaninchen
05-14-2015, 07:08 PM
Sooo, here's how I'm doing lately after my Great 'Frisco Freak-Out back in February:

I'm still struggling a lot. Honestly, when it happened, I thought that if I took two weeks off to myself, I'd be right as rain. Two weeks went by and I was still a tear-stained mess on my bedroom floor. I saw a therapist and gave myself another month. Unsurprisingly, that month went by without a completely recovery, but I have made a little bit of progress since then.

I had no idea this would be so hard!

I'm back in school and working on making up the quarter I dropped out of, in addition to the work I have for the current quarter. Nothing I have to do for school is objectively difficult, but I'm still missing class, turning in assignments late, half-assing everything, and just generally being a dirtbag. Well, whatever. I keep telling myself all I can do is try. If I pass everything with C-s, that's plenty good enough. A diploma is a diploma whether you're on the Dean's List or not. I worked my ass off to get straight As for the past three years, and if I don't want to maintain that anymore, I can let it go.

As for work, I really want to go back, but I don't know if I'm ready. Given that I'm struggling to entertain my own devoted, adoring boyfriend, I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle a hundred of horny, noisy strangers. But then I'm also not sure if I'm truly doing myself a favor by putting it all off. Idk dudes. I have no answers!

All in all, there are still mornings where I wake up and think, "Oh, I'm still alive? FUCK!" But I make myself get out of bed and live anyway. I even made myself go to a memorial service to force my brain to start appreciating being alive. It's a gift, you know? And I don't want to give up. So I'm taking it one day at a time.

SweetJulia
05-14-2015, 07:25 PM
You probably have a lot of people at work who can relate to your struggle. I've seen girls shake, sit off to the side a bit dazed. Take care of yourself emotionally and see if you don't feel better about returning to the club later. Really only an ignorant person or assclown would think less of you for feeling ill.

Seriously. Even if it's not anxiety that exists outside the club, getting naked for hundreds of adoring fans a night can rattle anyones' nerves. If it makes you feel any better, I puked in VIP once and the guy left in a club shirt cuz it got messy. Not my proudest moment. Went back the next day and spent all night in VIP. People get over it, shit-he came back. Please, no one quote this.

charlie61
05-14-2015, 07:29 PM
I feel like the fish oil I'm taking is making a difference for me (http://www.amazon.com/OmegaVia-Pharma-Grade-Odorless-Burp-Free-Capsules/dp/B00CJKJK1E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1431656938). But it's hard to tell if I've been doing better lately since I'm working again (making money is good for my brain) or due to fish oil, NAC, etc.

SweetJulia
05-14-2015, 07:32 PM
I feel like the fish oil I'm taking is making a difference for me (http://www.amazon.com/OmegaVia-Pharma-Grade-Odorless-Burp-Free-Capsules/dp/B00CJKJK1E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1431656938). But it's hard to tell if I've been doing better lately since I'm working again (making money is good for my brain) or due to fish oil, NAC, etc.

How long did it take you to notice a difference since taking fish oil? Sorry to pester you, I have this horrible thing where I want instant gratification.

charlie61
05-14-2015, 07:38 PM
How long did it take you to notice a difference since taking fish oil? Sorry to pester you, I have this horrible thing where I want instant gratification.

I hear you on wanting instant gratification. It's my experience that anything offering instant gratification isn't sustainable or healthy in most cases. The things you can do for yourself that are healthy and sustainable over long periods of time usually take a while to get going. I've been taking two grams of Omega-3s/day for about 3-4 weeks now. (With the product above, two grams = two pills.) The nice thing about Omega-3s is that they aren't just good for mood disorders; they're fantastic for your overall health. So even if you don't happen to notice any big differences when taking them over time, your body will be thanking you (they lower cholesterol and have been linked directly to a plethora of other benefits).

I'd also recommend that anyone struggling with depression take a b-complex vitamin, vitamin d, and magnesium every day.

ScarletKitten
05-25-2015, 11:48 AM
Sooo, here's how I'm doing lately after my Great 'Frisco Freak-Out back in February:

I'm still struggling a lot. Honestly, when it happened, I thought that if I took two weeks off to myself, I'd be right as rain. Two weeks went by and I was still a tear-stained mess on my bedroom floor. I saw a therapist and gave myself another month. Unsurprisingly, that month went by without a completely recovery, but I have made a little bit of progress since then.

I had no idea this would be so hard!

I'm back in school and working on making up the quarter I dropped out of, in addition to the work I have for the current quarter. Nothing I have to do for school is objectively difficult, but I'm still missing class, turning in assignments late, half-assing everything, and just generally being a dirtbag. Well, whatever. I keep telling myself all I can do is try. If I pass everything with C-s, that's plenty good enough. A diploma is a diploma whether you're on the Dean's List or not. I worked my ass off to get straight As for the past three years, and if I don't want to maintain that anymore, I can let it go.

As for work, I really want to go back, but I don't know if I'm ready. Given that I'm struggling to entertain my own devoted, adoring boyfriend, I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle a hundred of horny, noisy strangers. But then I'm also not sure if I'm truly doing myself a favor by putting it all off. Idk dudes. I have no answers!

All in all, there are still mornings where I wake up and think, "Oh, I'm still alive? FUCK!" But I make myself get out of bed and live anyway. I even made myself go to a memorial service to force my brain to start appreciating being alive. It's a gift, you know? And I don't want to give up. So I'm taking it one day at a time.

You sound so much like me. I am still trying to recover too. It's so messy in my head. So many things that are not right. My brain feels frazzled, my heart feels numb, and my body feels like it wants to go into a coma....all the time. I am trying to slowly improve things about my life. Trying to eat better. Trying to make lists, get some organization going. Find some hope again.

I want to return back to work so bad, but I'm not really ready yet either. It's like a numb state of limbo that I'm in. Right now I'm reading the book "The Power of Focus" which explains how to change bad habits into good habits and regain focus. It helps a little bit. I just need to keep reading positive books and positive threads on here. I was in a negative state for months, mostly posting in negatively-charged threads and spiraling downward into more and more darkness and negativity. So now I am trying to do the opposite- trying to maintain positivity, light, and love. I also journal alot, write down my private thoughts and all my emotional and spiritual chaos, it's a way to purge it all, then go back and read it to reflect and organize my thoughts.

It's still so hard, I know. It's hard to let go of the past. It's hard to change habits. It's hard to even MOVE when you feel so stuck, so hopeless, so chaotic. Just take things one tiny step at a time. Make to-do lists. And it doesn't have to be boring or feel like a chore either. I made a to-do list yesterday that had fun things on it. Like paint my nails, tweeze my eyebrows, listen to calming music, meditate. Then I'll have something on there that HAS to be done, like calling the club to see when they do auditions. If I do that, then I allow myself to do a fun thing from the list. Just little things like that can help, like a reward system as part of your "getting back to life" plan.

I find the more we ruminate, analyze, and obsess over our own thoughts, the more we suffer. Too much thinking and not enough doing results in depression, anxiety, and eventually nervous breakdowns. When I don't work or have anything productive to do, my mental state becomes poisonous. It's like a stagnant river that stops flowing, it becomes diseased. This is why isolation is bad for anyone's mental state. The mind is alone and stagnant and starts making up horror stories almost to amuse itself. Sometimes I wonder who the true me really is. Scary shit. :O

I'm going to get back to yoga, meditation, and eventually, back to work. I have alot of mental/emotional work to do. I need alot of changes to happen in my life, big changes. FOCUS is the number one lesson, though. I can't focus on a dozen things at once, it has to be one thing at a time, accomplish it, then on to the next thing. Anyway I feel like I'm rambling now...

Sending love & healing vibes to you, babe. :hug:

charlie61
05-25-2015, 03:02 PM
I find the more we ruminate, analyze, and obsess over our own thoughts, the more we suffer. Too much thinking and not enough doing results in depression, anxiety, and eventually nervous breakdowns. When I don't work or have anything productive to do, my mental state becomes poisonous. It's like a stagnant river that stops flowing, it becomes diseased.

THIS. I've written similar things in my journal. Sometimes self-analysis can be very positive - I'll go through withdrawn periods where I become very internally focused and accomplish a lot of self-work. But sometimes self-analysis can turn into a rumination-fest, as you mentioned. You start picking yourself apart, judging yourself, wondering why you aren't better / haven't accomplished more, etc. Not healthy.

It's important to find the right balance between thinking, doing, and being.

Likethis
06-02-2015, 07:09 AM
My kind of thread!

Feel like I've hit rock bottom this time, I've been depressed for a while now, at least a year, but about 2 months ago I lost someone who meant so much to me (no one lives forever of course but it's always so difficult to see someone go and know you'll never see them again in this life) and since then it's been so hard, if I was depressed before it's nothing compared to this.

One of my problems is I don't eat as much as I should, it's not deliberate I just don't have appetite or I don't feel like going to the store to get food because it seems impossible just to get out of the house. Sometimes when I'm really down I like the thought of disappearing but I know I have to make a change. Yesterday I started to eat a decent sized breakfast and dinner, hopefully I can keep that going. It's going to take a lot of effort to get back to a healthy body though since my BMI is down on 16.

kaninchen
06-02-2015, 10:58 PM
^ I'm sorry for your loss.

I feel you on struggling to eat. When I'm too anxious to leave the house, I run out of food because I barely buy groceries as it is. So a few days can go by where I might only eat a few pieces of toast or an orange pinched from my neighbor's tree. It sucks because, of course, the side effects of skipping meals like fatigue, difficulty concentrating, etc, make it even more difficult to do positive things.

Sending peaceful vibes your way, and I sincerely hope you can enjoy a nice, nourishing meal soon.

kaninchen
06-12-2015, 01:16 PM
This is also a petty annoyance, but because it deals with a mental health issue I'm posting it here.

I'm so annoyed by my devious Scooby-Doo villain of a brain. It continues to fuck with me and fool me despite the progress I've made. Specifically, since I was diagnosed with OCD, I've been able to deal productively with most of my obsessions by realizing that they're as rational/legit as a runny nose or a cough is.

I used to struggle to leave my house in a timely manner because I had to repeatedly check the lights, oven, window locks, and finally the deadbolt on the door before I left. I was really worried about my house getting broken into or burning down and thought I was just being thorough.

I also had unbearable anxiety turning in assignments for school. If it was a hardcopy, I would spend the next few days feeling sick because I had no way of verifying that my professor hadn't lost it. Turning things in digitally was the worst, because there were so many things to check and ways to check them. I would save, re-save, close and re-open documents to ensure that I would be submitting the correct one. I would "test" send it to myself a few times to verify. Then I'd submit it to the professor, re-download it from the sent e-mail, and comb through it to make sure it was okay.

I was particularly worried that somehow the document would magically transform into a bunch of gibberish or insults to my professor. (Apparently this is a common theme to OCD obsessions.) So I spent hours making sure that wasn't the case. Yep! Seriously. OCD is fucking weird.

Anyway, fast forward to this past week... I was really, seriously worried that a paper I was writing was somehow racially insensitive. Even when I was literally at 3 o'clock in the fucking morning checking and re-checking it to make sure it didn't contain any racial slurs (...because why tf would I even write any in the first place?) I wasn't able to see that it was just an obsessive thought. Even when I started worrying that by checking for racial slurs, I might somehow accidentally write a racial slur into the paper -- I still thought I had a legitimate concern. Ugh.

OCD is a major bitch and I hate that people think it just means you like to clean your house. NO. It means you get to waste a ton of time being an utter freakazoid.

Optimist
07-05-2015, 05:10 PM
This is also a petty annoyance, but because it deals with a mental health issue I'm posting it here.

I'm so annoyed by my devious Scooby-Doo villain of a brain. It continues to fuck with me and fool me despite the progress I've made. Specifically, since I was diagnosed with OCD, I've been able to deal productively with most of my obsessions by realizing that they're as rational/legit as a runny nose or a cough is.

I used to struggle to leave my house in a timely manner because I had to repeatedly check the lights, oven, window locks, and finally the deadbolt on the door before I left. I was really worried about my house getting broken into or burning down and thought I was just being thorough.

I also had unbearable anxiety turning in assignments for school. If it was a hardcopy, I would spend the next few days feeling sick because I had no way of verifying that my professor hadn't lost it. Turning things in digitally was the worst, because there were so many things to check and ways to check them. I would save, re-save, close and re-open documents to ensure that I would be submitting the correct one. I would "test" send it to myself a few times to verify. Then I'd submit it to the professor, re-download it from the sent e-mail, and comb through it to make sure it was okay.

I was particularly worried that somehow the document would magically transform into a bunch of gibberish or insults to my professor. (Apparently this is a common theme to OCD obsessions.) So I spent hours making sure that wasn't the case. Yep! Seriously. OCD is fucking weird.

Anyway, fast forward to this past week... I was really, seriously worried that a paper I was writing was somehow racially insensitive. Even when I was literally at 3 o'clock in the fucking morning checking and re-checking it to make sure it didn't contain any racial slurs (...because why tf would I even write any in the first place?) I wasn't able to see that it was just an obsessive thought. Even when I started worrying that by checking for racial slurs, I might somehow accidentally write a racial slur into the paper -- I still thought I had a legitimate concern. Ugh.

OCD is a major bitch and I hate that people think it just means you like to clean your house. NO. It means you get to waste a ton of time being an utter freakazoid.

Is there any medication you can take? That sounds like utter hell.

Optimist
07-05-2015, 05:10 PM
This is also a petty annoyance, but because it deals with a mental health issue I'm posting it here.

I'm so annoyed by my devious Scooby-Doo villain of a brain. It continues to fuck with me and fool me despite the progress I've made. Specifically, since I was diagnosed with OCD, I've been able to deal productively with most of my obsessions by realizing that they're as rational/legit as a runny nose or a cough is.

I used to struggle to leave my house in a timely manner because I had to repeatedly check the lights, oven, window locks, and finally the deadbolt on the door before I left. I was really worried about my house getting broken into or burning down and thought I was just being thorough.

I also had unbearable anxiety turning in assignments for school. If it was a hardcopy, I would spend the next few days feeling sick because I had no way of verifying that my professor hadn't lost it. Turning things in digitally was the worst, because there were so many things to check and ways to check them. I would save, re-save, close and re-open documents to ensure that I would be submitting the correct one. I would "test" send it to myself a few times to verify. Then I'd submit it to the professor, re-download it from the sent e-mail, and comb through it to make sure it was okay.

I was particularly worried that somehow the document would magically transform into a bunch of gibberish or insults to my professor. (Apparently this is a common theme to OCD obsessions.) So I spent hours making sure that wasn't the case. Yep! Seriously. OCD is fucking weird.

Anyway, fast forward to this past week... I was really, seriously worried that a paper I was writing was somehow racially insensitive. Even when I was literally at 3 o'clock in the fucking morning checking and re-checking it to make sure it didn't contain any racial slurs (...because why tf would I even write any in the first place?) I wasn't able to see that it was just an obsessive thought. Even when I started worrying that by checking for racial slurs, I might somehow accidentally write a racial slur into the paper -- I still thought I had a legitimate concern. Ugh.

OCD is a major bitch and I hate that people think it just means you like to clean your house. NO. It means you get to waste a ton of time being an utter freakazoid.

Is there any medication you can take? That sounds like utter hell.