View Full Version : Time to end a relationship?
kaninchen
06-02-2015, 11:41 AM
I feel that he is as bad (if not worse) than the man who did physically assault you.
Thank you. I completely agree. I feel like, well, hopefully no one will find this crass or triggering, but just like haters gonna hate, rapists gonna rape. That rapist was a pathetic loser and what he did is disgusting, but that's his problem, not mine. I'm not mad about that anymore. It was unfortunate, it happened, and now it's over. Whatever! I'm past it, thankfully.
However, my ex-boyfriend, this man who claimed that he loved me more than anything else in the world, who said that his soul would rot without me, who said that I gave him a reason to live again after his divorce ... What's his excuse? What the fuck was he thinking?
I don't expect a rapist to have an ounce of character, but I would expect someone who claims to love me to act like they love me.
kaninchen
06-02-2015, 12:12 PM
Kaninchen, when you said that you will never be good enough, this is not about you. Nobody can ever be perfect to an abusive control freak. He likely treated his ex this way and will probably do the same to the next unlucky contestant. The issues are his, not yours.
In terms of the timing of the break-up, IMHO the right time is now. Just have 911 on speed dial in case he crosses the line from yelling to something more. Holding off because you are afraid of his reaction just gives him more power over you. If the place is yours, then it is time to tell him to gtfo. If he is actually stupid enough to do something like hit you, then he will be cooking his own goose as it will give you cause to call the police and take out a restraining order.
This sucks. Good luck as you deal with this and I hope you keep us posted.
You know, I think you're on the money about him likely treating his ex-wife the same way. He told me that they were "completely happy" for three years, and then one day, he came home from work and she was gone. He said that she made him dinner the night before and that he couldn't begin to understand why she left. In retrospect, she was probably trying to throw him off her trail so she could leave safely, exactly like I'm having to do now.
Unfortunately, I don't think I can really rely on law enforcement in this situation. Their response time here is notoriously bad -- a few months ago I called 911 because my neighbor was sitting on her 12 year old son in the street, punching him in the face. The cops showed up over an hour later. Ugh. If overtly violent child abuse in broad daylight isn't a priority, I doubt I would be, either.
I'm going to take my cat to my parents' house so she won't be left alone while I'm at school/work, since at this point I wouldn't put it past him to go all Fatal Attraction. After that, if he wants to burn my apartment down or something, then... whatever. If he wants to come for me, let him. I may be petite but I am a trained killer, after all! I wasn't in the Army for nothin'.
I remember him telling me about homicidal thoughts he had towards his ex-wife after she left. I just brushed it off, thinking that divorce must be pretty upsetting. Ugh! Stupid 20/20 hindsight!
ScarletKitten
06-02-2015, 12:25 PM
^^I'm so glad you've decided to get away from him. There is just no excuse for what he said and for the way he's been treating you! And homicidal thoughts? Yikes! Do what you have to in order to protect yourself. :hug:
kaninchen
06-02-2015, 12:30 PM
Thank you so much to everyone who offered insight, advice, and support in this thread. This has seriously been so weird -- I had a random feeling last week of, "Maybe this relationship needs to stop, now, before it gets too serious." Then, almost like he knew I was even considering leaving and wanted to hurt me for it, he made that bizarre and completely unprecedented rape-blaming comment.
I think I can have everything in order by tomorrow night, and then I'll tell him that he needs to leave. I'm not really mad at him anymore. I'm just sad that someone who made me so happy sometimes was also capable of being so incredibly malicious. That last remark was far from the first time he's said something wholly hurtful and inappropriate. While I was forgiving in the past, this just isn't something that I want to deal with for the rest of my life. Oh well. It's over now. I sincerely hope that he is able to find peace on whatever makes him act this way.
I'm listening to the holy trinity of breakup courage songs. Single Ladies, No Scrubs, and I Saw The Sign. Haha. It's cheesy, but it cheers me up a lot and keeps me confident. I'm also trying to remind myself that I'm totally gorgeous, can take care of myself, I'm educated and I've never had a problem meeting dudes. I'll probably be blissfully hooking up with my sexy French classmate in a week and all this will be behind me.
audrey_k
06-02-2015, 02:09 PM
No. They are about mutual respect and support. Now that doesn't mean that arguments won't crop up, but this sounds like something deeper. If he is constantly upset at you for one thing or another and you now dread even hanging out with him, then the two of you may simply not be compatible.
You may care for each other and be attracted to one another, but that's not the same as being able to live with each other over a long period of time. When fear, frustration and contempt start creeping into everyday interactions, IME it is a sign that there are likely insurmountable compatibility issues in play.
If you are hoping that he will change, the odds are that he won't. People rarely do. Now if you threaten to leave, he may become scared enough to promise anything to keep you around and he may even be better for a while, but eventually these issues always seep back up to the surface.
These are some of the lessons I've collected from two marriages, two other long-term live-in GFs and several shorter-term relationships. After spinning my wheels until my mid-30s, I finally had enough and swore that I'd stay single until I found someone who wanted what I did and shared my philosophies about life. Lucky for me, I finally found that someone.
I agree with Rick, it sounds like maybe he is a nice guy (though that's debatable from the way he treats you... it's not his business what you spend your money on, and if he has a problem with you job, well why did he's start dating you?) but you two aren't compatible. My ex boyfriend was a great guy but we didn't want the same things in life-- I'm sure he will make some woman very happy one day, it's just not going to be me. It's definitely harder to get on with someone when you live together than when you don't, which is why I don't understand anyone who gets married before doing it. When you don't live together it's a lot easier to be on good behaviour or let little things go. My boyfriend and I never had an argument until we started living together. Now probably a couple times a week something crops up that we don't agree with, generally for him my habit of spending money faster than he does (and not my own) and being a bit of a slob with leaving things around, and his habit of wanting to stay out later than I do and being more tight-lipped about expressing things (fucking British). But I can honestly say I've never dreaded seeing him, even when I know I'm going to get an earful about the grocery bill or the fact that I forgot to empty the dishwasher or left the bathroom light on.
If you honestly dread seeing someone, there really is not point in being together, IMO. You may feel like you've spent a lot of time on him and it's going to be wasted, but girl, you're REALLY young, and you've probably got another seventy years ahead of you... what is a wasted two years compared to seventy years of unhappiness?
Thank you so much to everyone who offered insight, advice, and support in this thread. This has seriously been so weird -- I had a random feeling last week of, "Maybe this relationship needs to stop, now, before it gets too serious." Then, almost like he knew I was even considering leaving and wanted to hurt me for it, he made that bizarre and completely unprecedented rape-blaming comment.
I think I can have everything in order by tomorrow night, and then I'll tell him that he needs to leave. I'm not really mad at him anymore. I'm just sad that someone who made me so happy sometimes was also capable of being so incredibly malicious. That last remark was far from the first time he's said something wholly hurtful and inappropriate. While I was forgiving in the past, this just isn't something that I want to deal with for the rest of my life. Oh well. It's over now. I sincerely hope that he is able to find peace on whatever makes him act this way.
I'm listening to the holy trinity of breakup courage songs. Single Ladies, No Scrubs, and I Saw The Sign. Haha. It's cheesy, but it cheers me up a lot and keeps me confident. I'm also trying to remind myself that I'm totally gorgeous, can take care of myself, I'm educated and I've never had a problem meeting dudes. I'll probably be blissfully hooking up with my sexy French classmate in a week and all this will be behind me.
You rock!
kaninchen
06-04-2015, 12:16 AM
I did it. He's gone. I'm free.
Elektra Luxx
06-04-2015, 12:42 AM
I did it. He's gone. I'm free.
Are you OK?
rickdugan
06-04-2015, 03:09 AM
I did it. He's gone. I'm free.
I am both happy and sad for you right now. Happy that you are free of someone who treated you like that, but sad because of the pain that you are probably going through right now. IME breaking up from a long term relationship always suck, even when it is the right thing to do.
This too shall pass and I hope you feel better soon.
OliveJardin
06-04-2015, 07:45 AM
OP, I hope you are ok. Hugs.
kaninchen
06-04-2015, 08:58 AM
OMG, I feel... awesome! I'm sad and exhausted, but also really happy.
When I told him that the things he said the other night were extremely hurtful; that they were the last straw, first he insisted that he never said any of it. I mean, he did, I wasn't hallucinating. Then he said that I was misinterpreting him, and while he was sorry, it didn't matter, because I "never forgive or forget anything" even though he has criticized me for any number of things that happened before we even met!
Finally, he told me that he only wanted me to prove to him that I would at least "try" if something ever happened at work. Was it so wrong for him to care? He just wanted me to reassure him that I would yell for a bouncer and not let it happen.
LOL. Seriously? Wow. Yes, scout's honor, I promise I'll try to not be raped next time. But only because it's a priority to you. /sarcasm What made me so mad about that is the fact that when I was raped, I fought with every muscle fiber in my body, but ... to no avail. I was embarrassed that it happened, but I never once felt that I let it happen. My ex-boyfriend must've misjudged me there, and that's where his tactic backfired.
Anyway. None of this is my problem now! So, whatever. It doesn't matter! He messaged me last night that he's sad, he's sorry, he loves me. Too late muchacho, I don't give a fuck anymore!
I'll say it again: you rock.
HoolaTwister
06-04-2015, 09:51 AM
Wow, you did it! So happy for you! It might get lonely, you will doubt your decision sometimes but in the end you will be A OK :) You're golden, girl!
Aurora_Sunset
06-04-2015, 10:06 AM
I'm so happy for you for moving on! Have fun with the sexy French classmate!
charlie61
06-05-2015, 03:47 PM
OMG, I feel... awesome! I'm sad and exhausted, but also really happy.
When I told him that the things he said the other night were extremely hurtful; that they were the last straw, first he insisted that he never said any of it. I mean, he did, I wasn't hallucinating. Then he said that I was misinterpreting him, and while he was sorry, it didn't matter, because I "never forgive or forget anything" even though he has criticized me for any number of things that happened before we even met!
Finally, he told me that he only wanted me to prove to him that I would at least "try" if something ever happened at work. Was it so wrong for him to care? He just wanted me to reassure him that I would yell for a bouncer and not let it happen.
LOL. Seriously? Wow. Yes, scout's honor, I promise I'll try to not be raped next time. But only because it's a priority to you. /sarcasm What made me so mad about that is the fact that when I was raped, I fought with every muscle fiber in my body, but ... to no avail. I was embarrassed that it happened, but I never once felt that I let it happen. My ex-boyfriend must've misjudged me there, and that's where his tactic backfired.
Anyway. None of this is my problem now! So, whatever. It doesn't matter! He messaged me last night that he's sad, he's sorry, he loves me. Too late muchacho, I don't give a fuck anymore!
You know, it's nice to receive a reminder every now and then from a member of the male community that we should try to avoid being raped. Sometimes I forget. It's nice that they're looking out for us!
/sarcasm