View Full Version : The Random Thoughts Thread...
carmen_b
10-31-2019, 04:07 PM
I'm going to Hawaii !
Suck it ex ( plants flag ) . ;)
If I run into anyone you know I'll be sure to mention that is was strange that such a large guy had a teeny peeny ( not really but Hawaii loves a good rumor lol ).
AChildOfBoredom
10-31-2019, 11:00 PM
^ Lots of thoughts on this. If your house can somewhat self maintain ( which is seems it could with lots of room mates ) you can definitely GO .
You seem to be the owner / organizer / house alpha though. You might have to get someone responsible or trained into " your " spot to do it.
I’ve always had a nomadic nature about me. I think it was my sister who threw a wrench in my plans. She wanted to spend Rumspringa with me, and I expected she’d go back to the Mennonite life afterwards, since she seemed to find it more agreeable than I did. But she chose to stay, and I’m happy she did. She’ll have agency over her destiny which she wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’ve been able to provide her, my ‘refugee’, the Amish girl, and two others with a home (one of whom left when she joined the Navy, and the other moved in with my friend from the community to split rent with her). I was able to help my friend from the community get settled in to the English world so she could provide for herself and her children after her husband died. I certainly don’t regret any of that.
I have marketable job skills… perhaps not the most ‘ladylike’ ones, but I enjoy what I do, and I make good money. Stripping has also been pretty successful for me. I have financial security, I’m doing alright. Life isn’t perfect… I still have trouble coping with the stings I carry and all… but it’s overall good.
It’s conflicting. I should be content. But I know I’m denying my own restlessness. But then I take into account the little things, like how much it delighted everyone seeing the kiddos in their costumes and handing out candy (and this was a first for the Amish girl), and I don’t want to miss out on that, either. I feel selfish for feeling the way I do.
lynn2009
11-01-2019, 09:42 AM
I'm going to give up on applying to other jobs in Maryland. I had a phone interview yesterday, and I completely forgot about it. I feel like such an ass.
lurkingtitties
11-01-2019, 02:15 PM
I’ve always had a nomadic nature about me. I think it was my sister who threw a wrench in my plans. She wanted to spend Rumspringa with me, and I expected she’d go back to the Mennonite life afterwards, since she seemed to find it more agreeable than I did. But she chose to stay, and I’m happy she did. She’ll have agency over her destiny which she wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’ve been able to provide her, my ‘refugee’, the Amish girl, and two others with a home (one of whom left when she joined the Navy, and the other moved in with my friend from the community to split rent with her). I was able to help my friend from the community get settled in to the English world so she could provide for herself and her children after her husband died. I certainly don’t regret any of that.
I have marketable job skills… perhaps not the most ‘ladylike’ ones, but I enjoy what I do, and I make good money. Stripping has also been pretty successful for me. I have financial security, I’m doing alright. Life isn’t perfect… I still have trouble coping with the stings I carry and all… but it’s overall good.
It’s conflicting. I should be content. But I know I’m denying my own restlessness. But then I take into account the little things, like how much it delighted everyone seeing the kiddos in their costumes and handing out candy (and this was a first for the Amish girl), and I don’t want to miss out on that, either. I feel selfish for feeling the way I do.
I just wanna say, your life story is fascinating! Thank you for being so open about yourself on here.
carmen_b
11-02-2019, 01:54 PM
M saw it and texted to comment on it.
Why do I feel guilty ? Bleh.
It doesn't matter if we are both using it as we are both single but now I'm feeling guilt over the phrasing.
He DID choose that though ( barely touching me in Oct. until I left ).
I should probably just not use dating apps.
I put on my Tinder " Just out of a weird sexless situation " .....
Lets see what the men in this city have to say about it. I have a feeling they will be very vocal ! Haha.
It's true .
lurkingtitties
11-02-2019, 04:01 PM
I mean he's on Tinder while simultaneously begging you for another chance so I don't think he has any right to be salty
AChildOfBoredom
11-02-2019, 04:01 PM
I just wanna say, your life story is fascinating! Thank you for being so open about yourself on here.
I’m just a product of really bizarre circumstances.
Aurora_Sunset
11-02-2019, 04:52 PM
M saw it and texted to comment on it.
Why do I feel guilty ? Bleh.
It doesn't matter if we are both using it as we are both single but now I'm feeling guilt over the phrasing.
He DID choose that though ( barely touching me in Oct. until I left ).
I should probably just not use dating apps.
He's also swiping on Tinder and has the audacity to give you crap about your Tinder profile? Fuck him.
carmen_b
11-02-2019, 05:21 PM
It was a lot to go through ( explained this to him ) to have a relationship progression, then a boyfriend , then just get ignored for a couple weeks of Oct.
By the time he felt " right " about us ( and apologizing mid Oct. ) I was 95% out the door. I am done playing amateur psychologist with him but he referenced this other " on again / off again " relationship he had in Alaska a year ago and it got me thinking that maybe it's just some kind of pattern.
My guilt there is gone anyway ( I removed that line of text ) . I removed it so I don't attract the wrong vibe and put a line about " looking for a friendship that may lead to something more " since that is actually more accurate than the " bring yer dick over now " vibe it may have had.
I think too there may have been a disappointment on his side that I am just a normal person ( like .... he wanted more of stripper persona and less " me " if that makes sense ).
Month #3 ( was Oct. ) should be where I am barely able to walk without a cowgirl stride.
I'm mad at him for not being up front about the doubts and cold feet ( v.s. " I'm too busy " games ). Truth goes a long way with me.
WendiStarr
11-02-2019, 05:28 PM
I went to my brother's birthday party and it was full of a bunch of his and his wife's friends. I'm an introvert so I was ready to leave after an hour. It was a room full of strangers and people bumping into me or touching my belly without asking. Then my biological dad showed up and that fucked me up and he was in the mood to start shit. I haven't seen him in a long time. I had to sneak out of there without anyone noticing. I was planning on camming tonight but I'm in a weird mood right now. I feel like I need to recenter myself, but on the other hand I am home alone this weekend so it would make financial sense for me to cam.
Aurora_Sunset
11-03-2019, 07:20 AM
Weekends are always so weird for me. I work so hard over the week (working, studying, exercising, eating super healthy), and then Friday comes and I give myself the slightest bit of leeway to relax, take a night off, have a beer, and eat something other than yogurt or tofu... And then on Saturday, it feels like my world is crashing down on me. I pay bills and have no money leftover, have lost zero weight, and feel no closer to any goal. Then I wonder why I bother at all and struggle to not fall off the wagon even further with a "Fuck it" attitude.
It's frustrating that the world touts this "Moderation is key" idea, but I feel as though I have to be super strict and hardcore about anything to see even the tiniest result, and the second I allow myself to "moderate," everything backslides into absolute shit. I feel like "moderation" is a pipe dream for me. I have to be obsessive or I get nothing.
JGB2009
11-03-2019, 08:17 AM
Yesterday I got nothing done. I just didn't wanna do anything. So that's what I did, and today I have to face reality. No goofing off today for sure.
Glamourmilf
11-03-2019, 09:32 AM
I went to my brother's birthday party and it was full of a bunch of his and his wife's friends. I'm an introvert so I was ready to leave after an hour. It was a room full of strangers and people bumping into me or touching my belly without asking. Then my biological dad showed up and that fucked me up and he was in the mood to start shit. I haven't seen him in a long time. I had to sneak out of there without anyone noticing. I was planning on camming tonight but I'm in a weird mood right now. I feel like I need to recenter myself, but on the other hand I am home alone this weekend so it would make financial sense for me to cam.
As an empath, and introvert, I feel like I lived that with you, by just reading it.
Why do people think it's okay to touch your pregnant belly? Even if it's family? Ugh.
Keep your damn hands to yourself!!
Elektra Luxx
11-03-2019, 11:16 AM
Yesterday my niece's third birthday and today is her birthday party! They're having it where there are trampolines all over. She's going to have so much fun!
NitaBaby
11-03-2019, 11:34 AM
I'm going to use next years tax return and whatever I get from student loans to cover my rent for the next two years.
I always get a stack from tax return - enough to pay rent and a few others bills for that year anyway. I just never do it. God, I don't know where the money goes. But couple that kind of money with student loans and I'm going to use it to ensure that work (or the need to work) doesn't get in the way of me finishing school. I don't want to be so exhausted from my cam hoe night shifts that I'm oversleeping or not doing homework. I can bullshit on cam for my electric and internet bill. But I'm going to put that money I'm getting next year to really good use and just save myself the stress.
I literally have to get this degree. So I like this new plan.
charlie61
11-03-2019, 11:48 AM
^Not to mention, the lower stress will help increase your camming profits! SWs always make more money when we don't need money. ;)
NitaBaby
11-03-2019, 11:54 AM
^^I haven't heard a bigger truth all week.
AChildOfBoredom
11-03-2019, 09:08 PM
Having to explain to my friend’s kiddos what Thanksgiving is, because it’s not a holiday they’ve ever partaken in. We’re having it at my place again. As an added bonus, the first of my ‘refugees’ - the one who joined the Navy - will be here.
miss.a.p1600
11-04-2019, 12:55 PM
Saw this little 7 yr old girl being so affectionate with her mom. It was really endearing and sweet.
JGB2009
11-05-2019, 10:14 AM
Always feels weird when I don't receive any messages on my phone. It's like hey I'm still alive everyone!
AChildOfBoredom
11-05-2019, 02:25 PM
I’ll call you. You’ll say, “hello”, and I’ll say, “is your refrigerator running?”. Then you’ll say, “yes”, and I’ll say, “well, you’d better go catch it!”. It’ll be a big funny.
That’s never actually worked for me, though.
JGB2009
11-05-2019, 03:53 PM
I’ll call you. You’ll say, “hello”, and I’ll say, “is your refrigerator running?”. Then you’ll say, “yes”, and I’ll say, “well, you’d better go catch it!”. It’ll be a big funny.
That’s never actually worked for me, though.
LOL I first heard about that from my friend in Colorado. I laughed so hard. I still think its funny hehe.
What's Up by 4 Non Blondes can really do magical things
before work *plotting how you will make all the monies*
and after work *laughs like the Joker while clutching stacks of money*
that is all.
NitaBaby
11-05-2019, 04:32 PM
I wish I'd taken a sleeping pill today.
WendiStarr
11-05-2019, 08:57 PM
As a cervical cancer survivor who has major ptsd because of trauma caused by doctors during gyno exams and procedures, I find this interesting: https://www.mirror.co.uk/science/smear-tests-could-replaced-home-20809095?fbclid=IwAR1M75J8ejBV7Yq8OcyxdNHUnhbn_OuG dZRLn5XIX8yHfotwRnc_9bpKyq8
Now, if they could bring this at home urine screening to the U.S. too and worldwide that would be great.
lurkingtitties
11-06-2019, 04:54 AM
Wendi do you mind if I ask what stage you were? I was 1a1, treated with a LEEP and then a large cone. I’m terrified of having a miscarriage one day (even though I’m single AF right now haha). It’s encouraging to see another survivor with a healthy pregnancy.
my SIL told me the gyn practice she goes to is super feminist and does the pap without a speculum. They gyno uses her fingers as a guide.
WendiStarr
11-06-2019, 11:23 AM
I had cervical cancer 1a2, twice. I have had several miscarriages so pregnancy is scary. Honestly I don't know when the fear of something bad happening goes away. Ob/gyns don't help either because they seem to want to do a bunch of cervical checks while you're pregnant if you've had cervical cancer before. I had one manual check and an ultrasound that both confirmed that my cervix is closed and not incompetent since that can be a concern sometimes for cervical cancer survivors. One ob/gyn wanted to do a biopsy while pregnant "just to make sure that no cervical cancer cells are there" and I said hell no because the chances of miscarriage are increased if a cervix biopsy is done during pregnancy. Now I just refuse any more cervical checks until I am actually in labor because I see no real need for them to be doing cervical checks when I'm not having any bleeding or signs of preterm labor. So far I feel lucky to have made it to 6 months and now I'm just hoping to carry to full term and have a healthy baby. I've done it once before 10 years ago and in February 2020, I will be welcoming a 2nd baby so have hope that it is possible.
carmen_b
11-06-2019, 12:21 PM
I had this platonic friend in Hawaii. He isn't there anymore.
A night or two I had this dream he kept trying to cuddle with me on a couch.
Today, I get a FB message from him ( obvious that he is single and willing to " comfort " me in any way or something like that lol ).
Very odd. I said for years he had zero interest .
In the dream ( and probably in real life ) I was not keen to move towards romance.
The message had a touch of creepiness just like the dream referring to " this time around " or something like that ..... like he regretted not pouncing years ago. 2011-2017 He was very respectful ( or scared to make a move ) . If he was interested I legitimately had no clue.
Is this creepy ( it's a copy / paste ) ?
Just as in Hawaii, ill show you around best I can wherever I am, ill provide casual conversation when you like and this time...if you need a friend to hold you and comfort you, ill be there for you.
carmen_b
11-06-2019, 12:46 PM
I have spent most of the morning trying to NOT think about renting a hotel tomorrow ( to have the possibility of Mr. NY there ).
We have been in touch and talked about travel planning this winter ( he's also nomadic now ).
On one hand ...... screw him because he had a few weeks already where he could have offered some intimacy ( he could have easily pushed M aside if he spied on my social media and even knew about M ).
I am trying not to do anything ( saving my energy to launch myself on the road ).
JGB2009
11-06-2019, 05:49 PM
You told me the other night that I am quiet. Truth be told you are as well. Why don't you act interesting sometimes....yawn!!!
carmen_b
11-06-2019, 06:43 PM
^ I have heard that too.
I work in sales and interact all day.
Stfu and enjoy the moment lol.
WendiStarr
11-08-2019, 07:46 AM
I feel like there must be some incel/red pill bullshit going on lately with cam and pso. Never have I received so many free nudes requests. I wish free chat had a mandatory rule that all cam models must not get nude in free chat and no free previews of flashing tits or pussy. I get tired of peeking into other model's rooms and seeing them totally naked and fucking themselves in free chat. I watched one girl who was doing that and within a half hour was only tipped 2 tokens. That's only 10 cents. We should be making these guys pay for the privilege of seeing us naked, not giving it away for free.
JGB2009
11-08-2019, 08:59 AM
When you are at war with yourself about how you feel.....
Carmen Elixer
11-08-2019, 12:22 PM
I just wish I had someone to stand over my bed and scream into my face "GET THE FK UP RIGHT NOW! GET YOUR FKING ASS UP AND GO TO WORK! THERE'S FKING MONEY THERE YOU IDIOT! GO GET YOUR RENT PAID ASSFUCK!" Because that's what would make me go. I wish they had personal trainers like that, I can make myself work out it's not a problem but I need help getting out of bed and going to work. that's a true life coach.
Ifyouseekamy
11-08-2019, 01:20 PM
I just wish I had someone to stand over my bed and scream into my face "GET THE FK UP RIGHT NOW! GET YOUR FKING ASS UP AND GO TO WORK! THERE'S FKING MONEY THERE YOU IDIOT! GO GET YOUR RENT PAID ASSFUCK!" Because that's what would make me go. I wish they had personal trainers like that, I can make myself work out it's not a problem but I need help getting out of bed and going to work. that's a true life coach.
I have an alarm- ring tone- on my phone that says that. It help a little
Ifyouseekamy
11-08-2019, 01:31 PM
https://youtu.be/101qjqhjYec
Would we judge a starving man for stealing food—-no.
I believe sex work is an adaptation to surving in a patriarchal, capitalist society.
All I know is anyone who judges sex workers are really unconscious. I promise if any of them ran out of options they would do it.
carmen_b
11-08-2019, 02:34 PM
Headed to Hawaii. Figured it couldn't hurt to email the old sugar daddy I had while there .... so I did. ;)
lynn2009
11-08-2019, 06:14 PM
I feel like such a weak person lately.
Elektra Luxx
11-09-2019, 12:58 AM
^^^
You're the strongest, most disciplined i know.
Glamourmilf
11-09-2019, 09:14 AM
I feel like there must be some incel/red pill bullshit going on lately with cam and pso. Never have I received so many free nudes requests. I wish free chat had a mandatory rule that all cam models must not get nude in free chat and no free previews of flashing tits or pussy. I get tired of peeking into other model's rooms and seeing them totally naked and fucking themselves in free chat. I watched one girl who was doing that and within a half hour was only tipped 2 tokens. That's only 10 cents. We should be making these guys pay for the privilege of seeing us naked, not giving it away for free.
https://youtu.be/101qjqhjYec
Would we judge a starving man for stealing food—-no.
I believe sex work is an adaptation to surving in a patriarchal, capitalist society.
All I know is anyone who judges sex workers are really unconscious. I promise if any of them ran out of options they would do it.
I'm thanking these 2 posts a million times.
Both thoughts have been my anthem for most of my adult life.
carmen_b
11-10-2019, 05:50 PM
Saw the former SD.
He seems to be doing well. No beard now and lots of island flair.
Damn .... upgraded both the lexus and the place ( this one has an even better view and is huge ... unheard of for an island .... places to live are always so tiny ). We sat on his balcony and chatted a bit.
Lots to think about haha.
I walked around the corner of the hostel I'm at and pretended to be staying a hotel.
He invited me to stay a few days there up on the hill on the fancy side of town and it's actually very tempting.
To be honest he really uplifted the vibe of this trip. I was feeling DOWN . Exhausted from a work day and just " blah " about walking into a memory of my former partner every 20 feet ( can't escape the good memories on a 30 mile by 30 mile island ). He picked me up in his gorgeous car and saved me like the old days. Haha.
To be continued .......
WendiStarr
11-11-2019, 11:34 AM
We are having our first big snowstorm of this winter. It looks nice looking out at it but I hate going out in it.
carmen_b
11-11-2019, 08:24 PM
Damn. I feel so lost. May bail on the island early.
I am hating it. I feel that I didn't have anything here except my former partner. My whole life was kind of just staying here because his job was here. I stayed for YEARS for him ( I wanted to be there 2011-2013 but stayed a couple extra years beyond my desire to stay) . I get so agitated at every turn.
My rental car is beautiful . A brand new electric eco VW Jetta. I wish I could drive this damn car more than a mile without having melt downs going around every vista and view point.
It hit me today that he had this SAME trip last Sept. 2018.
He had just moved out from the apartment we shared. He went to Hawaii alone. I stayed because who travels with their ( now ) ex ?
I lost $500 on a ticket since he had to leave me two weeks before our trip that we planned for months.
I'm here a year LATER and it makes me want to call him and beg him to reunite . He went here in Sept. 2018 and didn't have the same reaction. I remember swearing a year ago to myself to just play it cool and let him go and see all the beautiful places we shared and he would be back. I'm stuck in this thinking like " WHAT if I would have just gone with in Sept. 2018 ? Maybe I could have lured him back. " ;(
I am seeing some grossness of the place too ( how it's designed to just dump money out of tourists and send them back with a quick turn around like a casino ).
AChildOfBoredom
11-12-2019, 03:28 PM
My friend from the community was convinced to give speed dating a try. So she insisted I go with her. I would’ve told her to piss off… had it been anyone other than her asking this of me.
I did one of those once. I pretty much just turned to stone. I think it’s a shitty environment and the environment by itself makes me… hard to say I lose interest when I have none to begin with, but it makes me irritable. Though there were amusing moments. I certainly wasn’t interested in the Jehova’s Witness, so I told him I keep dead animals under my bed and other things to put him off.
I wasn’t able to view people there in any potentially positive light… I just saw them as adversaries and was immediately turned hostile towards them.
If she’s in any way serious about it, I should probably ensure that she knows not to follow my lead.
Ifyouseekamy
11-12-2019, 05:21 PM
https://experience.hayhouseu.com/fundamentalsofenergyhealing-welcome/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=26828807_optins&utm_campaign=multi_foeh_course_2019_optins&utm_content=8817&spMailingID=60980130&spUserID=NDQzMDA3NDI0NDk0S0&spJobID=1761632016&spReportId=MTc2MTYzMjAxNgS2
learning about energy healing
carmen_b
11-12-2019, 07:42 PM
I'm at the airport. I hate Hawaii ( at last Oahu ) so much. $378 to leave early is a bargain.
I feel like a wuss but I am SO UNHAPPY here right now .
I'd probably spend that anyway in 4 days since everything is so damn overpriced here.
I can possibly come back later .... I just need to be better mentally prepared I guess.
Ifyouseekamy
11-12-2019, 08:16 PM
I'm at the airport. I hate Hawaii ( at last Oahu ) so much. $378 to leave early is a bargain.
I'd probably spend that anyway in 4 days since everything is so damn overpriced here.
I can possibly come back later .... I just need to be better mentally prepared I guess.
Hate Hawaii. Are you working? I liked the keys, but you can drive back to the mainland instead of being stuck. I had a friend who had a crazy ex that lived on the same island. Can you imagine literally being stuck on an island with a psycho ex. Poor guy. Hawaii sounds good in the winter, but I’m there’s some cons that people don’t think through.
carmen_b
11-12-2019, 08:21 PM
I was here working my day job. I expected to last more than 4 days on the island but it seems that isn't meant to be. Luckily I didn't pre-pay for any accomodations. I was just paying at the hostel day by day.
^ Lots of cons. VERY claustrophobic living spaces unless you have a lot of $.
I just feel DONE . I would have survived if the ticket out would have been $1,000 or something but it seemed like a decent deal when I booked it.
I think it can actually be a lot of fun ( I loved it 2011-2013 , felt ok about it 2014 ). I just kept having these very vivid memories of my ex and I being happy there. I fought a serious mental health battle after he left in Aug. 2018 . I felt like being there sucked me back into a mindset I had fought so hard to get out of.
AChildOfBoredom
11-13-2019, 04:15 AM
Awkward encounter last night. Ran into one of the girls I got into that fight with while I was at CVS last night… she was working one of the registers. She wouldn’t even look at me. I kinda feel bad about the whole thing but I don’t at the same time… they’d been bullying my sister and tried to attack me three-on-one when I went to intervene (I fought two because my 17 y/o ‘refugee’ took one of the girls down and kept her on the ground in a chokehold… I hope I don’t sound disparaging of her by calling her ‘my refugee’… she’s family to me, and I love her to death). So, with that in mind… sorry, not sorry.
Glamourmilf
11-13-2019, 08:21 AM
My friend from the community was convinced to give speed dating a try. So she insisted I go with her. I would’ve told her to piss off… had it been anyone other than her asking this of me.
I did one of those once. I pretty much just turned to stone. I think it’s a shitty environment and the environment by itself makes me… hard to say I lose interest when I have none to begin with, but it makes me irritable. Though there were amusing moments. I certainly wasn’t interested in the Jehova’s Witness, so I told him I keep dead animals under my bed and other things to put him off.
I wasn’t able to view people there in any potentially positive light… I just saw them as adversaries and was immediately turned hostile towards them.
If she’s in any way serious about it, I should probably ensure that she knows not to follow my lead.
Your post reminds me of a scene in a movie I recently watched.
The main character is a widow, and her friend drags her along to a speed dating event.
52295