View Full Version : VENT! WTF! What have I done?
22lligm
12-02-2015, 11:25 AM
Your poor wife.
I'm out this thread lol.
miss.a.p1600
12-02-2015, 11:41 AM
Raquelle, can you bartend or waitress on the weekends instead? Find a better job that you like more and that pays more? Reduce your living expenses? Can HE find a better job that pays more? This is how most couples deal with these sort of things when they need more cash. There simply has to be a way to free up some extra cash other than stripping - if cash is really the concern that is.
Because if you fully go down the path that you have been hinting at - quitting your hated vanilla job to strip full time and losing your husband (and his income) in the process - then you'd have to earn a lot to make up for everything you lose. If you drop your full time job, you immediately go $40k in the hole. Then add the additional cost of supporting a household by yourself and additional childcare expenses and you'll probably need to clear $60k+ (or potentially much more) just to get back to an even standard of living, before you even deal with braces, tuition, etc.
Thus far you've worked one or two nights a week, for 8 months or less, on busy weekend shifts. Do you really know if you can clear those kinds of numbers consistently by stripping full time, including on slower weekday shifts? And this doesn't even address whether you will lose the house, which is likely if the two of you are no longer pooling income.
Now maybe you have the skills to make bank in clubs on a consistent basis and the fortitude to do so over a multi-year period. But I will tell you that, IME, most single mothers who dance eventually struggle when stripping is their sole source of income. Part of the reason for that are the income fluctuations (seasonal and different days of the month) that are a normal part of the job and which some people just don't plan for well enough. Single moms cannot absorb income hits as well as childless women can because their expenses, especially child care, are less flexible. They also cannot take time off to deal with burnout for the same reason.
If you feel trapped now, imagine how you'll feel when you need to make $300 on a given night to pay the overdue daycare bill but, with one hour to go after a dead shift, you've only made $50. Shit like this happens all the time to single moms who rely solely upon stripping and it is exactly why that group represents the vast bulk of my OTC partners. I even joke on a customer site that I've fed more kids than the Save the Children Foundation. ;) A crude joke I know, but it illustrates the point. The glamour and allure of stripping can wear off real fast for single moms when they find themselves in a jam and considering unpalatable choices in order to go home with the cash that they need. Most of the stripper moms I know don't leave good situations in order to rely solely upon stripping to live, but do so because bad circumstances have made stripping their best option (husband ran off, baby daddy in jail or unable to pay child support, etc.).
Anyway, just some food for thought and good luck as you work through this.
i think you're assuming ALL single moms deal with broke unavailable ex husbands / baby dads and they're destined for permanent pitiful singlehood. This may be true for some women but not all.
there are single moms who are successful
there are single moms with ex husbands/baby daddies who are supportive financially and emotionally
There are single moms who have more than one income of which stripping is just one source
there are single moms who are smart with their finances and know how to invest and save
There are single moms who choose to stay single because they simple want to be
There are single moms who remarry and find better marriages the second time around
There are single moms who coparent positively with their exes so their kids can remain happy.
why do you keep presenting the OP with one side of doom and gloom? She can make a choice either way and it could be possible to chose what most people, especially marriage conservatives would think is absolute horror yet manage to turn out fine for herself and here kid. These are the people who think situations like divorce are the end of the world a woman can't recover after that. Divorce is just an obstacle that temporary. You don't fold up in a corner and lose out on life just cause you divorce. While this may happen to some is not true for everyone
Maybe you have known a lot of strippers in you lifetime but you only know the kinds you choose that fit a criteria for your extracurriculars then you aren't well versed in the different types of single or divorced women.
rickdugan
12-02-2015, 12:24 PM
i think you're assuming ALL single moms deal with broke unavailable ex husbands / baby dads and they're destined for permanent pitiful singlehood. This may be true for some women but not all.
there are single moms who are successful
there are single moms with ex husbands/baby daddies who are supportive financially and emotionally
There are single moms who have more than one income of which stripping is just one source
there are single moms who are smart with their finances and know how to invest and save
There are single moms who choose to stay single because they simple want to be
There are single moms who remarry and find better marriages the second time around
There are single moms who coparent positively with their exes so their kids can remain happy.
why do you keep presenting the OP with one side of doom and gloom? She can make a choice either way and it could be possible to chose what most people, especially marriage conservatives would think is absolute horror yet manage to turn out fine for herself and here kid. These are the people who think situations like divorce are the end of the world a woman can't recover after that. Divorce is just an obstacle that temporary. You don't fold up in a corner and lose out on life just cause you divorce. While this may happen to some is not true for everyone
Maybe you have known a lot of strippers in you lifetime but you only know the kinds you choose that fit a criteria for your extracurriculars then you aren't well versed in the different types of single or divorced women.
Miss, I wasn't commenting on divorce in this instance. I'm specifically responding to her comments about hating her vanilla job and considering stripping instead (which I didn't quote but should have), which of course would result in divorce AND leave her reliant upon stripping for her income.
I fully agree that there are single mom dancers who are successful and provide a good life for their kids. I've known single mom dancers who bought houses, built savings and even put their kids through college from dancing alone. But they are also in the substantial minority IME. Fast money often spends fast enough when there AREN'T kids involved and we all know that there are all too many strippers who let a ton of money go through their hands during their careers. Imagine how much faster it spends when there are kids involved (desire for better housing in nicer areas, toys, vacations, day activities, strollers, games, electronics, etc.). In fact, the sad reality is that some of my best OTC adventures were not with girls who couldn't earn enough over a given year to live well, but who did not budget it well enough to get through the slower spells.
But with all of that said, I can only share what I have seen and experiences will differ. But before a trapped and desperate feeling 22 year old girl decides to make a break for the exit from a stable job and home, with a 4 month old baby to care for, in order to strip for a living, she needs to be realistic about some of the challenges that await her. Thus far, I've seen a lot of pom poms in this thread and not a lot of realism about what it can be like for a single mom who relies upon stripping to live, so I thought that I'd provide a little balance in the thread.
With that, I'll let the cheer squad continue now without any further interruption from me. ;)
Issabelle
12-02-2015, 06:39 PM
why do you keep presenting the OP with one side of doom and gloom? She can make a choice either way and it could be possible to chose what most people, especially marriage conservatives would think is absolute horror yet manage to turn out fine for herself and here kid. These are the people who think situations like divorce are the end of the world a woman can't recover after that. Divorce is just an obstacle that temporary. You don't fold up in a corner and lose out on life just cause you divorce. While this may happen to some is not true for everyone
But with all of that said, I can only share what I have seen and experiences will differ. But before a trapped and desperate feeling 22 year old girl decides to make a break for the exit from a stable job and home, with a 4 month old baby to care for, in order to strip for a living, she needs to be realistic about some of the challenges that await her. Thus far, I've seen a lot of pom poms in this thread and not a lot of realism about what it can be like for a single mom who relies upon stripping to live, so I thought that I'd provide a little balance in the thread.
With that, I'll let the cheer squad continue now without any further interruption from me. ;)
Rick is saying what I was trying to get at earlier. As adult workers, we tend to be incredibly defensive of even the barest hint of job-related disapproval from partners because the vast majority of us have had a partner who disapproved--sometimes a week-long boyfriend, sometimes a long time husband--and that disapproval has shown it's ugly head in all manner of ways--passive aggressive comments to emotional abuse to physical abuse and everything in between. We're right to be defensive and it's completely understandable that the first response from many women on this forum would be 'leave his ass now before it gets worse,' 'you'll survive as a single woman and can do whatever you want sister,' or something of that vein when told by the poster that her husband has displayed a very ugly, very inappropriate angry outburst at her desire to return to stripping after meeting her in the club (or any similar situation). We're defensive for a reason--no one else in the world is watching our backs. Hell, the vast majority of the population would probably say we earned any potential abuse that comes our way for 'being whores.' People are fucking cruel as all hell. I'd know--when my late boyfriend passed away and my job came out, his family and friends all but said I had no right to grieve because I was a whore and uninvited me from the funeral and wake. So, just for the record, holy shit, I'm always on the side of the sex worker because your job doesn't change that you deserve to be treated like a human being. And also, holy shit, people are assholes and your job is none of their damned business or concern and if my man were still around he'd be giving a resounding 'dayum straight!' because he was a gem like that.
That said, I'd have given the same advice to this girl if she were my non-sex work friend coming to me and saying her hubby didn't like the idea of her going back to her previous vanilla job--try to work it out first because you're always gonna have to co-parent with this guy and if you really do love someone then you owe it to yourself to make an effort to find a compromise. Pom-poms and speeches about how you can be successful on your own as a single mother if you don't want to be married are a good thing, but I don't think this is one of those situations where OP and her hubby are necessarily at the point of needing them. They could be and realize it in the course of their couples therapy (YAY for going!), but that's a conversation to have if trying to talk out their current problems fails. Also, yes, Rick and several others have made excellent points about the increased expenses of maintaining a single parent household, saving for school, and stripping (any job, really). I'll never tell someone to stay out of convenience alone, especially at the cost of personal happiness or safety, but hot dayum will I tell people to weigh the pluses and minuses before they jump ship.
miss.a.p1600
12-02-2015, 07:43 PM
You and Rick Dugan have good points and well spoken.
I know the OP said they would attend counseling and she is aware of the decisions she has to make about her marital relationship/family. I actually do believe in long term relationships so that children have a sense of stability. But I also think children can have stability and love when they live with single parents who are mature and work together for the kids. Not every one lives in a cookie cutter mom dad marriage type family. There are many different types of families in 2015.
I just think there's a problem with men thinking it's okay to f*ck strippers but they're not good enough for marriage?!? And the incorrect notion that divorce is like some death sentence for women and for kids. Look at Kimora Simmons. She divorced Russel with 2 kids in tow and came out rich and fabulous and a good coparent. She also didn't stay single for long - she's a hot milf / former model. She was in a relationship with a successful actor and had a kid and now She's now remarried to a billionaire financier and a new baby by him.
I just feel like if a person is in a crossroad and needs to make decisions they should look at the pros and cons of each choice. Rick laying out the cons of divorce, yes she needs to know, but also she needs to know if divorce ever happened it's not the end of the world, gothic slit your wrist type a deal that fear mongers create it to be.
So oP if you're still there. Best wishes for your marriage and family therapy. Hope you get the resolution you desire.
Sorry not trying to veer too far off topic so perhaps I'll create a thread to dig deeper into these issues.
ShyCamgirlBB
12-04-2015, 08:22 PM
Not to get off topic but me & my husband have made 80K work in one of the most expensive cities in the US and are able to save. You are all crazy if you don't think that's a livable income. Anywho I'm married with a kid. I understand the struggles of family. If you weren't willing to make changes or compromises you shouldn't have married him and you most certainly shouldn't have had his child. At the same time, he shouldn't be throwing temper tantrums and everyone is right, it could be signs of abuse down the road. Try to compromise, maybe get into camming instead. I know it's different but you could get a pole in the house and incorporate dancing into your online show. Phone sex, pantyselling, amateur porn... so many options in the adult world.