View Full Version : Leaving long-term relationships
seashell
11-27-2016, 11:27 PM
This sounds a lot like the long-term relationship I left this year... everything except for the age difference. My ex-bf was only 5 years older than me, but he was an alcoholic (in denial) and made $100k+ while I only made $35k. We also had very different personalities... I'm really sensitive/emotional where he was more cold/logical. When I'm stressed, I turn into a very anxious person, and his issues slowly took over my life to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.
I knew leaving would be extremely difficult, and it was. I ended up moving in with my family, went through a few entry-level jobs because they were the only places that would hire me, and struggled to pay my bills once I ran out of my savings.
But... leaving was worth it. 100% worth it. Even with my life basically blowing up in my face after I left him, I was still happier than I was when my life revolved around him. Just my opinion, but once you are suffering to that degree, you need to start thinking about your own health. I was mentally and physically drained because of my ex-bf's alcoholism, I had no energy for myself or a social life or work, and it just was not sustainable.
I questioned it several times over the 5 years we were together, and I knew deep down that one day I would have to leave... he was never going to change... but I avoided leaving because 1. I was broke, 2. I didn't want to return to stripping, and 3. I thought I loved him. Well, it's hard to love someone who causes you that much grief. After we broke up, I dated again and realized that what I was feeling was more of a dysfunctional companionship.
Sorry to be a pessimist, but I really don't think you should stay with this person. Yes, leaving is extremely difficult. Yes, you have five cats. But should you still be putting yourself through this?
Velveteen.Rabbit
11-28-2016, 12:38 AM
Ask yourself this:
- Would you leave asap if you made a lot more money? If yes then break it off
- Do you think he will change, does he want to change, and is he already making steps to change? If no then break it off
Aurora_Sunset
11-28-2016, 06:30 AM
I'm sorry for everything you're going through, charlie. I've refrained from responding to this thread so far, because 1) I don't know what it's like to leave a relationship that's longer than 2 years, and 2) For awhile, it just seemed like you needed a place to vent. But I hate to see you continuing to go through this. I'm sorry if anything I say seems out-of-place or irrelevant. Feel free to disregard me if you think I don't know what I'm talking about.
It sounds like, coming back to the same issues after so much time, and especially with the thought of buying a house on the horizon (and it freaking you out so much), you are really unhappy. Obviously not with everything, otherwise it wouldn't be such a difficult decision. But when I look at your list of reasons why it would be hard to leave, it's mostly logistics things and the fact that you feel responsible for him. Logistics might be difficult, but they shouldn't be an excuse for why leaving is impossible. And his mental health is obviously nothing to dismiss out-of-hand, but it's also not your responsibility to martyr yourself for his sake. Especially since you mention that his own issues prevent you from doing what you have to do to take care of yourself and your own issues.
It may not have been a boyfriend, but I have eventually cut toxic friends out of my life who had very similar issues for the same exact reason. I deal with my own shit, and when I'm trying to take care of myself, it's destructive to be around people who just drag me back down. Maybe that makes me "heartless" to some people, but I can't keep going out and helping people in this world who want to be helped if I'm constantly struggling to make it through the day myself only to expend any leftover energy on 1 or 2 friends who are zapping it all. I still care about those people deeply, and even make it a point to occasionally ask mutual friends how they are because I want to know that they're ok. But throwing yourself deep into the fire because you feel like you are a "bad person" if you don't sacrifice your own happiness for someone's chance at stability isn't right. You deserve more than being beholden to that.
Things are obviously not ALL bad, but sometimes the good just doesn't outweigh the bad anymore. It's all up to you, but I would say don't let the fear of how difficult the break up might be keep you from ending something you feel you want to end. Relationships should be driven by a real desire to stay in the relationship, not the fear of how hard leaving will be. If you took away all the reasons why leaving would be difficult due to logistics (money, cats, area) and you feeling obligated to him (which is not your responsibility), would leaving still look like such a hard choice?
Selina M
11-28-2016, 05:40 PM
I agree with Velveteen Rabbit's questions.
The fact that you say you are "so happy" when things are good tells me you really do love this guy and don't want to leave... but all those 'common sense/girl run awaaaay!' things are now eating at you. I also agree with the prior poster who said all those things were not deal breakers in the last several years, why are they now?
IMHO from what you've posted, it sounds like you got very stressed and upset at his relapse and then suddenly all those other things got kind of used to bolster the unhappiness. It kinda sounds like buying a house has sent you into anxiety about everything. I could be super off base but is it possible you're having some kind of quarter life crisis? Maybe triggered by the idea of really solidly cementing yourself to him further (I feel like buying a house is almost a bigger deal than being legally married). Especially given your prior post about how you felt sooooo much better and the relationship was much better once you got your own space & life a little bit... Idk.
Other thought, I know you've posted about feeling codependent on him. Is it possible you still haven't got a good handle on that? I know that is a really hard thing to break and it takes a long time. Because quite frankly, the only thing tied to you being unhappy seems to be his relapse issue... which I fully understand is very upsetting, don't get me wrong... but you see what I'm getting at? That's a good way to start fostering negative feelings and looking for other reasons to be unhappy as well... logically your brain wants to blame someone/something for your feelings & it will start adding up other evidence until it has a victim.
Obviously none of us know how you feel/felt before... but personally I feel like you are a very strong, independent woman and if you REALLY wanted to leave deep down, you wouldn't be using the logistical excuses to not do so. You know you can always dance and that you can qualify for an apartment with a simple letter from a manager, or couple months bank deposits, and you know perfectly well you can lie about your cats. Driving home to family would be a long several days but that's a very simple option as well. Etc.
Everyone I've ever seen leave a relationship in this sort of undecided state has regretted it/gotten back together. The people I know who really wanted out, got out despite huge logistical issues.
Just my 2 cents, I hope you don't take any of it the wrong way <3
Selina M
11-28-2016, 06:07 PM
One more question, if he is in a recovery program do they offer the 'family counseling' portion? I know the one my SO went to, he had family sessions once a week and it was encouraged that either his dad or brother would come. They would talk about how his addiction had hurt their relationships, hash stuff out, etc. It seemed to help a fair bit. An ex-friend's fiancé was also in rehab and she participated in those with him, and I think that's most of why they stayed together.
And one more note on your 'cons' list... Have you really sat and talked with him about some of that? For example, him being sensitive and you not feeling you meet his needs/are burdened by them? My SO and I are the same (except I'm the sensitive one) and we have had to talk about it and put it on the table basically, that we need to meet halfway; I agreed to think/circumvent my own false logic before reacting emotionally, and he tries to always do minor things that reassure me he's '2 feet in'. Etc. You guys would look different obviously depending on the issues.
I firmly believe that any couple can make it work and be happy but both people have to be willing to talk, put both feet in, and turn toward each other instead of away when shit is hard. I don't know any long-term couple who hasn't said they've had times when it's seemed way easier to just walk away. It's normal. It's not a cause for panic.
charlie61
01-11-2017, 07:04 PM
Subtle signs are emerging that he has relapsed again. Tonight I found a tiny bandaid in the bathroom with a pinprick of blood on it (his DOC is intravenous cocaine). There's no way of knowing, either way - addicts are masters at lying to themselves and others. I just don't know if I can live in a constant state of questioning like this.
He's so incredible, and we have such an incredible love for each other. But I don't know if that's enough. I don't know if that's worth the constant stress and wondering. Could I ever feel completely safe with him? Would I ever trust in his stability enough to buy a home with him or have a child with him? Fucking christ. I know I'm a hot mess in this thread. I need to make an appointment for therapy, for sure.
Selina M
01-11-2017, 08:05 PM
Drug tests are $20 at Walmart if you really want to know.
Only you can answer those questions... Is his relapse a 'slip' and then he gets sober for a long period? Or is it a frequent issue that reflects no true desire to remain clean? IMO, that is where a decision about what you want to put up with long term would come from.
charlie61
01-11-2017, 08:14 PM
Drug tests are $20 at Walmart if you really want to know.
Only you can answer those questions... Is his relapse a 'slip' and then he gets sober for a long period? Or is it a frequent issue that reflects no true desire to remain clean? IMO, that is where a decision about what you want to put up with long term would come from.
I think the bigger questions are...am I willing to live in this constant state of wondering and questioning? Can I ever be healthy and feel safe in a relationship with an addict? Has this gotten to a point where I'm no longer growing, and am instead stunted in my ability to progress with my own goals and needs? All of that.
Whether he has relapsed or not isn't truly the issue. The issue is living in uncertainty. You know?
Selina M
01-11-2017, 09:06 PM
I think the bigger questions are...am I willing to live in this constant state of wondering and questioning? Can I ever be healthy and feel safe in a relationship with an addict? Has this gotten to a point where I'm no longer growing, and am instead stunted in my ability to progress with my own goals and needs? All of that.
Whether he has relapsed or not isn't truly the issue. The issue is living in uncertainty. You know?
Apologies if this reply is not what you were looking for, as far as the original topic, but it's what I've got... ;)
I feel like maybe it's been hard for you to figure out how to live with the potential that he may relapse/never permanently without question recover, and that's the core of the "should I leave" question. I don't get the impression he is a raging cokehead who is stealing from your purse, which would obviously be LEAVE NOW, but you're right, there is always a modicum of "what if" when you're with an addict.
I think his 'intentions' go along with your questions. Whether you are constantly questioning his sobriety or feeling safe can really be impacted by how he treats it. I'm sure him currently hiding it isn't helping. I think you'd feel more safe and not so questioning of the future, if he was more proactive in saying "Hey I fucked up, I have a problem, I want to start fixing it".
You should not feel stunted in your own goals. IMHO that's a sign of still being codependent (sorry!). He is literally not preventing you from doing anything you want to do (at least that I'm aware of).
There's always setting boundaries ("I will not deal with someone who is high" and sending him out of the house) as far as coping with it.
Genoveve
01-11-2017, 09:18 PM
I am sensing that you know the answers to these questions are
am I willing to live in this constant state of wondering and questioning? Can I ever be healthy and feel safe in a relationship with an addict?
No and no.
Has this gotten to a point where I'm no longer growing, and am instead stunted in my ability to progress with my own goals and needs?
Yes.
I'm not sure whether you should or shouldn't leave, since I'm not you, but I do think making a decision sooner rather than later would be in your best interest because you are torturing yourself in the meantime. You started this thread in early May, 8 months later and you are still in the same torturous position of wondering whether or not you can live like this, and it doesn't really seem like you can. Do you want to be back here in 9/17 asking the same questions? I'm not saying this out of impatience with your inability to make up your mind, but it's that it really just sucks to see you stuck in this purgatory.
charlie61
01-11-2017, 10:08 PM
You ladies are so amazing, seriously. I don't have any friends or family nearby - having a community that's here and willing to listen to my drama is everything right now.
charlie61
01-11-2017, 10:47 PM
I'm still looking for others to share their stories of leaving LTRs, too! Doesn't have to be about addiction or crazy-long LTRs...all stories welcome. ♡
miss.a.p1600
01-11-2017, 10:48 PM
Can't say either way but I feel for you cause it seems like a very difficult decision especially since you've been with him so long.
He has possibly relapsed (covertly) and in my mind it's just as dangerous because this reminds me of a woman I watched who told a story about how she found her fiancé dead because he OD'd on drugs.......she had no idea he was on drugs. He hid it from her well. So while he thinks he's doing you a favor keep this side hidden from you he is in fact doing himself and you a disservice.
Maybe just talk with a trusted source just get it all out like catharsis. And try to relax a bit (I know easier said than done) because it's harder to make difficult decisions when you're in a state of anxiety/confusion/etc
All I can say is trust your instincts. Sometimes you have to be willing to challenge yourself and step out of your comfort zone - whatever that may be.
miss.a.p1600
01-11-2017, 10:55 PM
I've actually wish I could tell a story about leaving a long term relationship but sadly all my experiences have been short lived. I used to be really naive and gullible too trusting and ended up with players or emotionally unavailable guys. So decisions to leave them was easy - should have never started in the first place.
Maybe one day in the near future I'll be able to contribute a personal story
Elektra Luxx
01-12-2017, 12:11 AM
Subtle signs are emerging that he Tonight I found a tiny bandaid in the bathroom with a pinprick of blood on it (his DOC is intravenous cocaine). There's no way of knowing, either way - addicts are masters at lying to themselves and others. I just don't know if I can live in a constant state of questioning like this.
I don't want to be making any excuses for him at all, but he could have cut himself some how. When cocaine is injected the rush is almost immediate and the high can last up to 30 minutes. Would he put a band-aid on the injection site if he is under the influence? I just a thought I would put it out there.
charlie61
01-12-2017, 12:33 AM
I don't want to be making any excuses for him at all, but he could have cut himself some how. When cocaine is injected the rush is almost immediate and the high can last up to 30 minutes. Would he put a band-aid on the injection site if he is under the influence? I just a thought I would put it out there.
It was a circular bandaid with a single spot of blood in the center. When i asked about it, he said he was cleaning his room and it was an old bandaid. He didn't even look at it or anything to see what i was talking about. With IV cocaine use, as you said, the high is short-lived. Giving him plenty of time to regain his composure and remember to hide the evidence (addicts are masters at hiding evidence).
I hear you.
I'm really just starting to realize that the bigger issue is living in this constant state of paranoia. That's affecting me over time in many very negative ways. It's traumatic, and it's a serious energy tap.
SexxiLexxi
01-12-2017, 02:17 AM
I'm sorry that you're going through this tough situation!
Before the relationship I am in now...I was in a 4 year relationship with someone who had a few addictions himself. Not drug related though. Oh no. His addiction? Cheating & lying...Literally ALL THE TIME! I think back to this relationship and feel so stupid for the multiple times where he lied right to my face, cheated on me with so many women and once decided to show me (naked mind you) on cam while I was asleep to one of his bitches. Him doing so had woke me up and I was pretty livid but I stupidly stayed with this boy - That's right, boy! He was a crappy person who I for some reason had this weird attachment to. It's really hard to explain. We got along, we went out & did things together, we had a good time & got along for the most part except when he got caught in a lie or caught cheating. I had left him three times in 4 years and just went right back to it. He had this power to make ME feel bad for him....He would spit out the "i loves yous" and the "im sorry" and "it wont happen again". He seemed to be a master at manipulation. This was one of the most toxic relationships I had even been in and for so long. It was very difficult to leave but I did it. The final straw came when he was cheating on me with one of our employees (we owned a company together) and in his messages, he was talking about leaving me for her & living with her. I was like well fuck you. We had a nasty exit and the *only* good thing that came out of that shitty ass relationship was the business that I still have today because he willingly (dumbass) left it to me because "he couldn't handle it anymore". Ha, I get to laugh in his face each day now because he has offered to buy the business & I get to say FUCK YOU or I have said sure, no problem $50,000 deal just for you hahahahahahaha.
The point really is that long term relations can be quite hard to end when you are with that person nealy everyday and grow attached to them even if they are hurting you. It really isn't healthy to hang on if you are being treated badly or their actions are affecting your mental health.
I need to also add that my current relationship is with a man who I have known since I was 16 years old. We dated back them but I was one of those young & dumb types so I choose to end the relationship (big fat mistake) with him back then. We kept in constant contact. And after the 4 year relationship had ended, he was my very first call. And 6 years later, we are still going. I say this to say that even being so close to him for so long, I didn't know he was addicted to crack cocaine. I didn't know this information until about a year into our relationship. I felt like I may have had some influence in that because of my breaking his heart all those years ago. But he has told me it wasn't my fault and that he did it out of pure curiousity, bad decision making, and a bad influence of a "friend". I am proud to say that he turned his life around and quit cold turkey. He has been clean for a very long time. I know that this type of addiction isn't easy and not everyone can do that cold turkey. He told me that it took an eye opening experience for him to have something in his brain click in order for him to have that desire to quit. So, maybe, you should take a long term break from him. An addiction doesn't just hurt the addict....It hurts everyone around them....you may need to break for your mental health. That may be something that could turn him around...knowing he could lose you if he doesn't stick to getting help & beating his addiction. Being in a relationship for 9 years is a pretty long time and from what I have read your relationship is quite good except with his addiction & depression (did I read that correct). Maybe he also needs to seek counseling himself for the depression to find out the root cause and maybe find a way to over come that as well.
I'm sorry if I seemed to have babbled a bit...this is what it looks like when you have scatter brain because it's 4 in the morning LOL!
I sincerely hope that you are ok and that everything works out.
We had a rabbit like you
01-12-2017, 04:08 PM
Another vote for leaving. I can feel the anxiety and cortisol through your posts, if you stay you will be sacrificing your own mental health, happiness, time, and possibly physical health. You only get one life and you deserve peace and happiness. I've been in high stress relationships and the free , calm feeling I got after I left made me cry with relief..I didn't realize just how badly it was killing me. You should not have to play constant probation officer, parent, savior, caretaker, etc to a partner. Addiction CAN be managed through a lot of hard work but probably never cured. Sounds like its other stuff too. If you took away the feelings of guilt for leaving and worries about where you would stay, and you still wanna leave I think that's the thing to do.
ScarletKitten
01-12-2017, 05:06 PM
Addiction CAN be managed through a lot of hard work but probably never cured.
Actually, addictions can be cured with alot of therapy. One way to cure an addiction is through psychedelics. I know that sounds like a paradox, but there have been many cases of people having a psychedelic experience and coming out of it overcoming their addictions. (I should also note that psychedelics are not addictive.) It may not work for everyone, but in majority cases, it does work. Even though psychedelics are controversial in this culture, they should be considered for their medical and/or psychiatric value and benefits. I think it's worth a try in your partner's case, Charlie.
sources: http://blog.al.com/wire/2014/02/can_psilocybin_mushrooms_cure.html
http://www.pharmaceutical-journal.com/news-and-analysis/feature/psychedelics-entering-a-new-age-of-addiction-therapy/20066899.article
http://motherboard.vice.com/read/how-psychedelic-drugs-psilocybin-lsd-could-help-treat-addiction
You may not have the patience any longer to help him overcome his addictions, and I wouldn't blame you. But I thought I would run this by you as a last ditch solution for him to possibly recover. It sounds like you really love him and care about him, so maybe it is worth it to save your relationship. If you are completely against the use of psychedelic medicine, just disregard my post. In any event, I hope you can get through this and choose what is best for you. :)
SnuffleUffleGrass
01-12-2017, 08:32 PM
I'm still looking for others to share their stories of leaving LTRs, too! Doesn't have to be about addiction or crazy-long LTRs...all stories welcome. ♡
I'll PM mine. It's epic
charlie61
01-12-2017, 08:45 PM
I'll PM mine. It's epic
Omg i can't wait. ♡♡
Selina M
01-12-2017, 09:19 PM
I'm really just starting to realize that the bigger issue is living in this constant state of paranoia. That's affecting me over time in many very negative ways. It's traumatic, and it's a serious energy tap.
With that post, I think that the issue is definitely that you haven't learned to live with an addict, because of the inherent unpredictability. And that's okay! It's shitty especially when they are still in the actively relapsing, 'trying to get a handle on recovery' stage.
The way I see it, you have 2 options: Start attending AlAnon/similar group/therapist and learning how to manage your fears and be with him without destroying yourself, or leave. But obviously the current state causing your anxiety cannot continue.
The fact that you're still there after 8 months ago posting this IMHO is why I am leaning so heavily towards the 'try to manage it' idea... You plainly love him a lot.
Selina M
01-12-2017, 09:49 PM
Oh, and you wanted leaving LTR stories... I'm sure it's a big scary what-if right now and hearing about others helps if you start really leaning in that direction <3
My last one was a 1.5 year relationship, lived together for most of it. I was totally emotionally checked out 6 months before leaving; conveniently a few weeks later, my current SO reappeared out of his own addiction nonsense (and freshly single), so we also picked up our 5+ year long crush on each other to confound the situation.
But... I remember making the decision that I was leaving (eventually) and it was a very clear thought, resulting from the last straw from him (he had told me I could not have the car until I had cleaned the water heater & done dishes, like fucking Cinderella).
Took me so long because I didn't wanna hurt the guy, I wasn't keen on moving back in with my parents at 22, was trying to graduate that semester, and I wasn't dancing or working at all and didn't have my own car until near the end. Really dependent on the guy. Logistical, similar to you.
There was a big dramatic episode wherein my current SO relapsed, disappeared for a month, and I was absolutely devastated... realized if I wanted to try being with him, it was now or never. He ended up having been in rehab most of that time w/o phone privileges, and after a few weeks of hanging out with him and seeing that he was serious about staying clean, I had to end my LTR that I was just so miserable in. Obviously it was made easier with the current SO being a catalyst.
It SUCKED, and this is cold-hearted, but mostly because it was inconvenient. I ripped the bandaid off quick one night, he was upset but still nice at first, telling me to take as long as I needed moving out, especially being finals week... But then he had a change of heart and the next night basically told me to GTFO. I ended up living in my friend's spare bedroom for 2 months with my dog, with like 1/4 of my belongings since he demanded his keys back and I couldn't work with his schedule to come get my things. The worst part was I had to leave my cat with him the whole time. I went back to dancing, 5 days/week in AZ summer dead season to scrape up $100 at a time, & found an apartment with another friend and current SO.
We were poor as shit for a while & it was a huge change. Going from ex's house with a yard in the suburbs, all bills paid... to an apartment half the size with a roommate & additional cat that fought with mine & loud ass ghetto neighbors in the city... not fun. But being in a relationship (or even just out of the other one) that didn't make me unhappy totally negated all that.
charlie61
01-22-2017, 11:57 PM
We're starting to take steps towards a mutual separation. Based on our recognition of how much we've both changed in the last ten years. Our priorities, our values, our preferences...
We're planning on talking about this more next weekend. But it seems that the ball is now rolling...
charlie61
01-23-2017, 10:53 AM
You started this thread in early May, 8 months later and you are still in the same torturous position of wondering whether or not you can live like this, and it doesn't really seem like you can. Do you want to be back here in 9/17 asking the same questions? I'm not saying this out of impatience with your inability to make up your mind, but it's that it really just sucks to see you stuck in this purgatory.
This is one of the comments that really kicked my ass into gear. I had no clue I'd started this thread eight fucking months ago. That was an eye-opening revelation. Felt like maybe a couple of months.
Two of the worst feelings in my experience - regret and wishing you hadn't wasted so much time doing x, y, and z. I want to get through the pain and struggle now to maximize potential future happiness.
It's actually very cool the way this is rolling out. We aren't talking about separating due to his recovery / bipolar or any one specific issue. It's more about how we love each other, are incredible communicators, enjoy each other's company, but have very little in common as far as values and interests. There's no finger pointing or shouting. It's more like, huh, how did we not realize earlier that this isn't the best fit?
Don't get me wrong...it's not daisies and rainbows over here. It's really fucking awkward living with someone in the beginning stages of separation. Awkward "good mornings" and awkward "do we still get groceries together?" thoughts and questions. But having some clarity about our direction is immensely relieving. Knowing that this isn't a one-sided separation also makes this much healthier..
I'll keep you beautiful, inspiring souls updated. I just want to thank you - for both your patience with me and tough-love impatience with me. I know we don't really know each other, but having this community is deeply meaningful to me right now. :grouphug:
baer45
01-23-2017, 01:55 PM
Now you understand why I haven't said anything so far. :). Besides I am useless in lots of cases.
hometeam-showgirl
01-23-2017, 03:32 PM
We're starting to take steps towards a mutual separation. Based on our recognition of how much we've both changed in the last ten years. Our priorities, our values, our preferences...
We're planning on talking about this more next weekend. But it seems that the ball is now rolling...
This is really good to hear. My longest relationship was 4.5 years, but I have learned that, for myself, breaking up is a process, especially for longer relationships. I need to work through the breakup, gradually distancing myself and teasing apart our lives. For example, my boyfriend from the 4.5 year relationship and kept going to family events together for a few months and told our friends gradually. I had even started seeing someone else (with his knowledge) before the breakup was really final.
It sounds like you are not in an imminently unsafe situation, so I am glad to hear that you are treating this as a process. It also sounds like you've made the right decision in beginning that process.
LoveyDovey
01-24-2017, 08:55 AM
So, I posted about this in the confessions thread. I'm considering leaving my nine-year relationship. He's an incredible person (think: genius-level software engineer with $110k job + the emotional intelligence component, too), but his mental / physical ailments are eating him alive. As much as I love him and care about him, I'm planning my exit strategy based on practical reasons alone.
Have you ever left a long-term relationship? Advice? Self-care thoughts? What helped you? What didn't help you? How did you leave? Were you scared? Were you empowered?
I left my ex of 9 years in April of 2014 when I realized that none of our issues were going to be resolved. We had a lot of issues and I realized that there was no way I could continue to move forward with him and be happy.
It took a while to end. I started staying at my house more as opposed to being at his place. I had to distance myself from him and do some thinking and soul searching. When I finally had the last straw, I was so exasperated that I actually ended it via text. I was sorry to end it that way, as I should've done it in person, but I was so emotionally drained I couldn't even muster the energy to meet with him in person. He and his ex wife drained me. I was done. He lied to me so much...
It's sad, because after 9 years I would have at least wanted to be friends, but I can't be friends with a man I don't trust. I put him behind me entirely. I wish him well, but I just don't want anything to do with him anymore.
Breaking up sucks. Once you get through it , you'll be relieved. Good luck.
charlie61
01-24-2017, 11:15 AM
^Yeah, i can't wait, seriously.
I really wish my partner weren't dealing with addiction recovery and depression (bipolar). Leaving someone behind when they're 'weak' isn't as easy and satisfying as leaving someone who's more 'normal'. Like, he doesn't even have friends to lean on for support. Arrrghhhh. I mean, when I come home at 8:30, he's often already sleeping (depression). The apartment feels so fucking depressing. I can't wait to be separated.
ScarletKitten
01-24-2017, 11:42 PM
I'm really happy for you. It sounds like you have made the best decision in order to move forward.
I will be honest, sometimes I miss my ex of 9 years. I'm really glad I left him, don't get me wrong. It was the best decision. Leaving him made me feel so free. It was the restart that I needed in order to feel refreshed and renewed and find myself again and figure out what I truly want out of life. But, sometimes I do miss him. He was my best friend. You may have moments in the future where you will miss him, and it may be really confusing to you. Every time I have those feelings come up where I really miss him and start questioning myself if I made the right decision in leaving, it makes me feel like a crazy person. But as soon as those emotions subside, I come to my senses and realize it was all for the best. It's all bittersweet, really. Life is a trip.
charlie61
01-24-2017, 11:51 PM
I can't wait to have my own place. To have my own bills that I'm paying with my own money. Sounds like a dream. I need my own space and total independence when it comes to adulting. I think that'll be incredibly healthy and healing for me. I've never lived alone.. O_O
rareaspasia
01-25-2017, 11:23 AM
I know it feels awful to leave when he's down but you did your absolute best. It's not your job to fix him, and why put him first when he is not doing the same for you? I am bipolar too and my partner helped me through a suicidal depression last year BUT I was actively seeking help and he knew he couldn't fix me and I would never expect someone to stay with me if I wasn't trying to get better, because when you are down you show your love by trying to heal yourself. I expect support and understanding but at the end of the day my problems are mine and I need him to take care of himself first. Because that's love to me. And maybe you leaving will be what he needs because he'll have to deal with his own shit instead of trying to use you as a crutch. I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of pain but be proud because you are doing the right thing for both of you. Hugs!
Genoveve
01-25-2017, 11:33 AM
I've never lived alone.. O_O
It's amazing. I don't think I can move in with a guy unless we have a mansion and I can have my own wing because living alone is so nice. My married friends tell me to never get married because as much as they love their husbands, they miss living alone so damn bad lol.
charlie61
01-25-2017, 03:40 PM
It's amazing. I don't think I can move in with a guy unless we have a mansion and I can have my own wing because living alone is so nice. My married friends tell me to never get married because as much as they love their husbands, they miss living alone so damn bad lol.
Seriously. I don't think i could ever live with anyone again. He and i are extremely compatible, living-situation-wise, AND i have my own room and bed...and even with all of that, it's intolerable to me.
Aurora_Sunset
01-27-2017, 07:42 AM
I can't wait to have my own place. To have my own bills that I'm paying with my own money. Sounds like a dream. I need my own space and total independence when it comes to adulting. I think that'll be incredibly healthy and healing for me. I've never lived alone.. O_O
I'm so happy you're excited about that! I honestly feel like everyone should experience living on their own as an adult for at least a year of their lives. Not to poo-poo anyone who moved in with a SO early in life and they've made it work long-term, but the majority of my female friends have never experienced what it's like to have to actually take care of a place and bills with their own money, and be the one who takes care of all the phone calls/mail/cleaning/errands/etc... and I just feel like, as an adult, you should know what's up with all of that. Like, half my friends, I don't even know if they're staying in their relationships because it's an awesome fit, or because they admit that they have no idea how they'd fare on their own. I think living on your own is liberating, not just in the sense of having space and independence, but because you fully learn that you damn well can take care of everything yourself!
charlie61
01-27-2017, 09:09 AM
I'm so happy you're excited about that! I honestly feel like everyone should experience living on their own as an adult for at least a year of their lives. Not to poo-poo anyone who moved in with a SO early in life and they've made it work long-term, but the majority of my female friends have never experienced what it's like to have to actually take care of a place and bills with their own money, and be the one who takes care of all the phone calls/mail/cleaning/errands/etc... and I just feel like, as an adult, you should know what's up with all of that. Like, half my friends, I don't even know if they're staying in their relationships because it's an awesome fit, or because they admit that they have no idea how they'd fare on their own. I think living on your own is liberating, not just in the sense of having space and independence, but because you fully learn that you damn well can take care of everything yourself!
YES. All of this.
seashell
01-27-2017, 12:15 PM
I think you made the right choice! :) You need to put yourself first. You've earned it.
It's good that the breakup is not messy or angry. You two must be very mature people.
The freedom of being single and living alone, the world at your fingertips, is amazing. It may feel strange at first, but seriously, give it a few months and see what it's like to not have to worry about anyone else. It's freaking awesome.
LoveyDovey
01-28-2017, 11:53 PM
^Yeah, i can't wait, seriously.
I really wish my partner weren't dealing with addiction recovery and depression (bipolar). Leaving someone behind when they're 'weak' isn't as easy and satisfying as leaving someone who's more 'normal'. Like, he doesn't even have friends to lean on for support. Arrrghhhh. I mean, when I come home at 8:30, he's often already sleeping (depression). The apartment feels so fucking depressing. I can't wait to be separated.
I can see how this would be a difficult situation to leave. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
LoveyDovey
01-28-2017, 11:55 PM
I can't wait to have my own place. To have my own bills that I'm paying with my own money. Sounds like a dream. I need my own space and total independence when it comes to adulting. I think that'll be incredibly healthy and healing for me. I've never lived alone.. O_O
You'll love living alone. I do half the time. It's so nice, it really is.
charlie61
02-05-2017, 11:58 AM
I've been approved for an apartment and have a down payment on it. I move on February 19th.
♡_♡
SnuffleUffleGrass
02-05-2017, 02:38 PM
I'll share my current tale of woe because it's taught me something I thought I already knew.....
I agreed to stay with my ex "T" from December until the end of January. He had to have surgery & due to the severity of the surgery he had to have someone to help him while he recuperated. I did this without complaint.
A few days ago he made it clear that he'd prefer I cut ties with him as fast as possible. This struck me as a shock because he has always been open to staying friends. I honestly think that he met someone & has some grand plan to either leverage this woman in a gold digging $$$$ way, OR the other woman is insecure about an ex being close by.
In short staying friendly with my ex blew up in my face. We can't even be friends and he sprung it on me in the tackiest way possible.
The only consolation is I've seen him at his ugliest & he does really feel like women= farm animals. Like, if he can't milk me, fuck me or kill me and eat me, I'm of no use. He has soooooo many issues about his insecurities & prejudices. I'm glad I will cut ties for good because someone like him has no place in my life.
charlie61
02-17-2017, 09:31 AM
In general, men are not as aware of their emotions and are less capable of helping themselves and asking for help when it comes to emotional issues. So it seems to me that it's very common for women in relationships with men to take on both the burden of their own emotions, *plus* the burden of their partners' emotional issues. We're just better at working through them, so we do all of this work to pull men's emotions to the surface, encourage them to work through those issues, and even take some of those issues onto ourselves.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just jaded because of where my relationship is right now, but this is something I've really been thinking about lately. It pisses me off, to be honest. I don't ever want to take this much on, ever again. I have enough of my own issues, and it's already hard for me to focus on myself, what i want, who i am, etc. Men and their issues feel so pointlessly burdensome to me right now. Like, get your shit together...
SnuffleUffleGrass
02-17-2017, 03:48 PM
I'm only putting this here because you can file it under "as the worm turns" or "life can turn on a dime"- since my ex "T" got all aggro about cutting ties with me, he softened up because he's having another medical issue that will require surgery- meaning he realized kicking me to the curb maybe wasn't the best option since I had already proven willing to help him after his last surgery.
NO I'm not having some pathetic little prayer about all this. For my survival I can't forget he was so mean. OTOH if I try to look at things rationally I can get more out of his change of heart without blinding myself with my usual grudge-holding.
I did not mean to hijack charlie61's thread. Just wanted to add some info about my situation. I'm still single but HOPING I can salvage some sort of practical advantage from my LTR with "T."
LoveyDovey
02-19-2017, 09:52 PM
In general, men are not as aware of their emotions and are less capable of helping themselves and asking for help when it comes to emotional issues. So it seems to me that it's very common for women in relationships with men to take on both the burden of their own emotions, *plus* the burden of their partners' emotional issues. We're just better at working through them, so we do all of this work to pull men's emotions to the surface, encourage them to work through those issues, and even take some of those issues onto ourselves.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just jaded because of where my relationship is right now, but this is something I've really been thinking about lately. It pisses me off, to be honest. I don't ever want to take this much on, ever again. I have enough of my own issues, and it's already hard for me to focus on myself, what i want, who i am, etc. Men and their issues feel so pointlessly burdensome to me right now. Like, get your shit together...
I think now that you are on your own, now is the time to recover from this and reflect on what you've learned. Take care of you right now. Focus on healing, recovering, and rebuilding, and becoming whOle on your own. I think you the relationship you were in was draining to you. Once you are strong, independent, and whole, then you can and will attract/ find someone who is the same. A relationship won't survive if two half people become a whole. It's best if two whole people unite to become a super-whole, you know? That's the best way I can explain it. Nobody should need anyone else to feel complete. It's best if two people who feel complete on their own become a super entity. Hope I'm making sense.
charlie61
02-23-2017, 02:58 PM
I am completely in love with my new place. And even more so because it's all mine. I'm so, so thankful to be there.
Also found out on my moving day that my partner has been relapsing for a while now. He's getting help. But I'm so thankful that i got out of that situation. I love him and want him to find health and happiness. But I'm no longer reliant on him. So i can keep myself healthy and keep my full independence, even while he's struggling. Also, my apartment is a safe place because it's mine; when i lived with him, i was in a constant state of hypervigilance, watching for signs that he was using.. I'm safe now.
I can't thank you ladies enough for the tough love and solid advice. ♡
SnuffleUffleGrass
02-23-2017, 04:17 PM
I am completely in love with my new place. And even more so because it's all mine. I'm so, so thankful to be there.
Also found out on my moving day that my partner has been relapsing for a while now. He's getting help. But I'm so thankful that i got out of that situation. I love him and want him to find health and happiness. But I'm no longer reliant on him. So i can keep myself healthy and keep my full independence, even while he's struggling. Also, my apartment is a safe place because it's mine; when i lived with him, i was in a constant state of hypervigilance, watching for signs that he was using.. I'm safe now.
I can't thank you ladies enough for the tough love and solid advice. ♡
Can you share what he admitted about relapsing? I can message you about why I'm curious...
charlie61
02-24-2017, 12:01 AM
It's normal to go through a bit of a man-hating phase at this point, right?
charlie61
02-24-2017, 12:03 AM
Can you share what he admitted about relapsing? I can message you about why I'm curious...
I pointed out new track marks on his hand, he lied about their cause, i didn't buy his story and asked him if he's getting help, he said that he is getting help.. we talked about it more throughout the day, as we were moving my stuff. I'm so fucking grateful to be out of our apartment. Fuck.
LoveyDovey
02-24-2017, 12:33 AM
Enjoy. Isn't it nice??
SnuffleUffleGrass
02-24-2017, 08:29 AM
It's normal to go through a bit of a man-hating phase at this point, right?
Yes angry feelings are normal. My last breakup was entirely due to financial issues & I was so full of rage I didn't eat right for months. Everyone has different triggers.
I'm glad you left. Life with an addict is a horrifying roller coaster ride. You have worked too hard to be subjected to that...