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miss.a.p1600
10-13-2020, 04:38 PM
^Wholesome is good for long-term (in my opinion). That's awesome he's making the effort n coming to you.

Whats wrong with not fighting/not lifting?

lurkingtitties
10-14-2020, 06:30 AM
Yeah, I totally understand that a wholesome guy is likely to be a better option for long term! I spent some time thinking about why that’s not a turn on for me and came to the conclusion that I need to feel confident that I can let my guard down while I’m out with a guy. I grew up in the hood... I had grown ass men trying to follow me home from the time I was 13/14. Not to mention needing to have your head on a swivel to make sure you don’t get mugged/jumped. It used to be exhausting for me to leave the house. With bad boys I know that they can fight and it makes me feel safe.

miss.a.p1600
10-14-2020, 07:03 AM
^well maybe he can’t fight but as long as he has other weapons?

I highly doubt me dude could fight his way out of a paper bag but he does carry a gun. I’m not sure how well he know how to use it though she we will be getting some practice in soon. But yeah the average dude who likes you is going to do what he can to try to protect you

lurkingtitties
10-16-2020, 12:56 PM
Mr Chicago got time off work and booked a flight to come meet me, we both were so excited about it...then that same night his dad had a serious medical emergency and he had to cancel. Nobody's fault of course, but I'm super bummed.

He did say he still might drive out in the future so we'll see.

charlie61
10-18-2020, 04:48 PM
Mr Chicago got time off work and booked a flight to come meet me, we both were so excited about it...then that same night his dad had a serious medical emergency and he had to cancel. Nobody's fault of course, but I'm super bummed.

He did say he still might drive out in the future so we'll see.

Sounds like he got cold feet? I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but... what are the odds of that??

And yes, i 100% lurk in this thread. Love the stories and updates!

lurkingtitties
10-18-2020, 05:46 PM
Sounds like he got cold feet? I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but... what are the odds of that??

And yes, i 100% lurk in this thread. Love the stories and updates!

I honestly don’t think so. He didn’t tell me until the next morning and it was past the 24 hour window where he could still get a refund.

carmen_b
10-21-2020, 06:25 PM
I'm full of complaints.
Vent or take a pause ?

carmen_b
10-21-2020, 06:43 PM
Monday was pretty rough.
I spent the afternoon at the salon ( nails / hair ) and I'm just going to let it sllliiiddeee that he didn't notice a damn thing .

He was in a depressed cloud. I tried to ask what was wrong and he mentioned something about just wanting distraction and felt like chatting wouldn't really help. I had a problem with this obviously because I am increasingly concerned that he just kind of thinks of me as a sex robot.

I am a very hard working person who treats my partner very well . He finally opened up a little about some concerns ( I guess his ex freaked about dealing her own kid for 6 days straight while he transitioned into his new job ).

I'm feeling a disconnection and I notice it's affecting my libido towards him.
PMS times are not helping I guess. ;/

carmen_b
10-22-2020, 01:58 PM
I’m not going to create an argument over this but he was “ off “ and was doing weird things like not really being ready to hang by 6 pm . Our schedules are difficult so we have a boundary of ( usually ) turning phones off 6-10 pm a few days a week.

carmen_b
10-22-2020, 08:10 PM
I want to get us back on track.

He did start a new job 10 days ago. That process is really exhausting.

I think he regrets in some ways giving up his other one ( working at home and could sometimes slide by with working 24-32 hours a week on many weeks ). He still works at home but the other one is always incorporating zoom calls so these little tricks he was doing to buy more time ( uploading his work on a programed schedule ect. ) are not working. I think he is bummed.

carmen_b
10-23-2020, 04:39 PM
On to better days ! :)

charlie61
10-23-2020, 06:24 PM
Carmen - I'm so glad you're protecting yourself, to avoid being treated like a sex robot, as you mentioned. I wonder if he's getting weird influence from his friends, like maybe he was bragging about your sex life, and they put some ideas in his head? Or maybe he's trying to reduce you to that to avoid intimacy / vulnerability? Whatever is going on, I'm just happy to hear that you're watching out for that!

indiegirl
10-23-2020, 08:55 PM
It's always hilarious when you meet someone and find out they were lying the whole time straight to your face. My mom warned me about him for months saying what he said didn't sound right and I had this realization after his stories didn't add up that he legit was a liar and did so to make him boost his self esteem. I could go on!!! So embarrassing being around someone like that and believing them for that long. Have deleted phone numbers and any contact for a week now.

miss.a.p1600
10-24-2020, 10:56 AM
Went for a super casual pizza date with L

Just as I was about to pay he got his money out (thankfully)

carmen_b
10-25-2020, 01:17 PM
It takes sex to be a sex robot.

He isn’t getting any until we get things sorted out.

Viewed a room for rent today that seems promising.

carmen_b
10-27-2020, 09:07 AM
I got the room ! The home is really beautiful. We will see how it goes because I have not done a room mate situation in over 10 years. I am trying to keep things in mind like BEING a great room mate with things like light impact / not leaving items out. I will leave some food things out to share . :)

I realized that a lot of my anger towards J was also related to him not doing more to get us out of the house ( making suggestions for things to do ect ) .
I always felt like those suggestions fell on me ( because literally in the last 3 weeks they have ).
We discussed it openly and he is trying to become more aware of this.

I plan to just kind of " hang back " and see what he does. I didn't mention the home was with a married couple. I just mentioned there were two others here and one is more nomadic ect. ( the husband is ) . Let him wonder a little . Haha.

carmen_b
10-28-2020, 08:08 AM
Maybe I just do too much self work. I'm always looking at " what's next " in my work on myself. Haha.
I'll try to relax and have some fun with him before I become so awful that he ( understandably ) ends it himself !

trustfundkiller
11-02-2020, 11:19 AM
It's rare that I get twisted over a guy (esp a guy I barely know) but it happened. I treated myself to a staycation at a 5-star hotel in my city, and that's where I met him. He's 48, but sexy as hell and takes great care of himself. We had drinks that night and fooled around a bit. I wanted to sleep with him so badly but I didn't. He made the first comment about how I'm "way too young for him" at some point while we were making out. We ended up falling asleep together in the same bed, so I guess I did sleep with him in some sense - lol. He took his flight back home and we've been texting back and forth.

He wanted me to watch Star Wars, which I'd never seen before, and I said something like, "I wish you could be here watching it with me." and he said, "You need a young bf to keep you company. But we will be great friends, you'll see." :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Is he bluffing or did I just get friend-zoned? Is he struggling in the famous war of big head vs. little head?

miss.a.p1600
11-02-2020, 12:35 PM
^hard to tell. some guys like to build a friendship at the base of a lt relationship. Or it could be he's unavailable and telling you upfront.

I'd go with the latter (to protect your emotional wellbeing) unless you can gain more clarity about it

trustfundkiller
11-02-2020, 01:10 PM
^hard to tell. some guys like to build a friendship at the base of a lt relationship. Or it could be he's unavailable and telling you upfront.

I'd go with the latter (to protect your emotional wellbeing) unless you can gain more clarity about it
I'm going to go ahead and assume he's not interested in a relationship, or he's at least unsure about it atm. But I'm going to reciprocate the back and forth banter and see what happens. I think he likes me on some level, otherwise there would be no reason to text me.

carmen_b
11-02-2020, 03:37 PM
^ I felt like as " great friends " he might be offering you some sugar.
:)

But that is just me lol I was probably putting my own spin on it !
I would just see what he does. It sounds like he has the means to fly you out ect. if he wants to.
The no sex quite yet was probably very wise. If your age difference is big he should totally spoil you.
It's the gentlemanly thing to do. Haha. :)

He might be taken it's very hard to tell ( unfortunately this is the case so often with business travelers ). :/
So many use their trips for naughty purposes but he didn't press you or anything for sex which is a good thing .

carmen_b
11-02-2020, 03:42 PM
A UTI is ruining my life.
We finally got through my melt down and a difficult week last week for schedule.
Now it's this awesome and mellow week where we see each other 5 days .
Epic pussy fail. Lol.

I'll probably end up fooling around tonight with panties still on or something because it feels like it's been months ( I think it's been 2-3 days ). Haha.

yaya_cash
11-03-2020, 09:44 AM
It's rare that I get twisted over a guy (esp a guy I barely know) but it happened. I treated myself to a staycation at a 5-star hotel in my city, and that's where I met him. He's 48, but sexy as hell and takes great care of himself. We had drinks that night and fooled around a bit. I wanted to sleep with him so badly but I didn't. He made the first comment about how I'm "way too young for him" at some point while we were making out. We ended up falling asleep together in the same bed, so I guess I did sleep with him in some sense - lol. He took his flight back home and we've been texting back and forth.

He wanted me to watch Star Wars, which I'd never seen before, and I said something like, "I wish you could be here watching it with me." and he said, "You need a young bf to keep you company. But we will be great friends, you'll see." :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Is he bluffing or did I just get friend-zoned? Is he struggling in the famous war of big head vs. little head?

Maybe he wants you to work harder to persuade him; or he wants to be your mentor or sugar daddy. And definitely don't have sex with him, it may distant yourself from him.

carmen_b
11-03-2020, 12:15 PM
Yeah the great friends comment read as “ Daddy “ to me lol.

I hope you post fun / naughty updates if there are any. :)

carmen_b
11-04-2020, 03:21 PM
Got some good sex last two days. :)

trustfundkiller
11-06-2020, 04:49 PM
Maybe he wants you to work harder to persuade him; or he wants to be your mentor or sugar daddy. And definitely don't have sex with him, it may distant yourself from him.
You definitely could be right. He's a professional comic book artist and he does work for major companies like Marvel and Lucasfilm. In March, I recently got into acrylic painting out of boredom, and it turns out that I'm actually a great painter. So, he's been "mentoring" me when it comes to art. He's from NY, and he wants to have dinner when he's in Miami again in a few weeks. His parents live here. He surely has some kind of attraction to me. Part of me wanted to tell him something like, "I don't date guys under 40. They can't handle me." But I also don't want to set up a dynamic where I'm constantly trying to prove how "mature" I am. Regardless, even when he comes here, I'm not having sex with him. I want him so badly, but I feel like he would lose respect for me on some level. My sex needs to be "hard to get". I could really see him being husband material so I want to play the game as perfectly as I can.

trustfundkiller
11-06-2020, 04:50 PM
Got some good sex last two days. :)
That's certainly a plus ;)

yaya_cash
11-06-2020, 10:40 PM
You definitely could be right. He's a professional comic book artist and he does work for major companies like Marvel and Lucasfilm. In March, I recently got into acrylic painting out of boredom, and it turns out that I'm actually a great painter. So, he's been "mentoring" me when it comes to art. He's from NY, and he wants to have dinner when he's in Miami again in a few weeks. His parents live here. He surely has some kind of attraction to me. Part of me wanted to tell him something like, "I don't date guys under 40. They can't handle me." But I also don't want to set up a dynamic where I'm constantly trying to prove how "mature" I am. Regardless, even when he comes here, I'm not having sex with him. I want him so badly, but I feel like he would lose respect for me on some level. My sex needs to be "hard to get". I could really see him being husband material so I want to play the game as perfectly as I can.

You may be a fantasy girl for him, and you may ruin a dream of you with sleeping with him (too soon). He may be the type that just wants to mentor / take care of a gorgeous girl, like you. He may or not be married / attached to somebody else. And yes, take it slow; he must see you as valuable and want to spend more time with you, with this gorgeous young girl, that is almost a fantasy of his. Be a fantasy girl of his, and tease him / seduce; make him fall more in love with you. Men can be insecure about who they're able to date / deserve to date. Don't let his head get too big though-

carmen_b
11-08-2020, 03:00 PM
^ It's just too delicious. I hope you spoils you rotten and then ( much later ) you have so much to report here ! Lol

carmen_b
11-08-2020, 03:02 PM
I've gone easy on J last 9-10 days or so.

I had that little phase where I wanted to leave but he has been so pleasant . My friend is coming today and he has already arranged what take out he will order for us and is going to get drink ingredients. I appreciate these little details so much. This is something that stood out to me about him when I started dating him last March. Last night I made a roast / carnitas out of it. I give too. He likes it when I cook. :)

I'm literally under Dr.'s order not to bang until Friday ( UTI ) hahaha so I guess we will work on our friendship side this week.

Zofia
11-11-2020, 11:03 AM
BF went to Iowa to work on the damage done by the Dericho in August, then it was off to Louisiana for hurricanes. He didn't get home until late October and because of needing to continue social distancing, I didn't see him for almost two months! We did have a bunch of video masturbation sessions. Still, it's not like having his body! So, when he finally flew home at the end of October, I met him at the airport. Thanks to Covid, the parking garage is about half empty. I parked away from most cars on an upper level and in a corner. Of course, the best laid plans...once in the elevator, BF and I started kissing and making out. We did make it to the car, before getting too hot and heavy. A good time was had, and we didn't need bail money!

XOXO
Z

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 06:19 PM
Well I'm done with the 10 days ( not a typo ugh ) of meds for what I thought was a UTI .
I need to go get more done medically . I think it's interstitional cycystis and flaring up.
I had forgotten when I left my city North that the Dr. ran this by me but we didn't do more testing.
So I need to modify diet and be a lot more careful about certain things. Basically I'm under the weather and operating at about 50% lately.

I *sort of* feel like I wasted the afternoon somewhat today with J and his kid because he didn't bend on our issue.

I find that I'm often in a place of ..... dislike towards him.
I guess it's been a good time to think about all this because sex hasn't been on the table for like 8-9 days or so.
I feel like we could have had something REALLY amazing if he would have been willing to blend schedules more ....... but that blending didn't happen this week and it was IMPORTANT to me.

I think I have identified this to what is ( most likely ) the cause of an overall depression in my life.
I practice amazing self care ( gym, yoga , massage , time to myself , and seasonal light treatment ) but I still feel blah . I think it is how I am being treated.
I did not get the deal I thought I was getting. Nothing indicated ( since he is not conservative ) that he would not be willing to transition to just occasionally having me there overnight when his daughter was too.
I suggested just FOUR of the nights of the fifteen nights in the next 30 days when his daughter is there to try this. That is what I was proposing. A very very slow and minimal transition.

All that I wanted was to have the consistency of sleeping next to each other 4-5 days a week.
I swore 5-6 days ago we reached an understanding ( he said something like " yeah maybe we could try that " ).

I DIDN'T want to approach the conversation even without a counselor there. Ugh.

We tried to tackle this thing ourselves a couple nights ago and while the conversation went well I still don't think he gets it.
He describes things as " overall going well " and I have been unhappy 4-5 weeks and have pushed myself to keep trying but I'm at the end of the line.
I would still like to see a counselor together but I am not sure there is much hope for us .

charlie61
11-14-2020, 06:22 PM
^and it's a terrible feeling, when you want MORE and the other person doesn't. Even if the other person ends up giving more, you feel like you had to pull teeth to get there.

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 06:24 PM
Indeed Charlie :

I called my mom a few days ago wanting to get her take and it was so nice to get a verbal acknowledgment of " this much be making you feel terrible about yourself ". Or a paraphrase like " and now you don't feel good about yourself ".

This is exactly why I so badly wanted a third party present in this conversation.
I won't go forward without a counselor working with us.

charlie61
11-14-2020, 06:27 PM
Indeed Charlie :

I called my mom crying a few days ago wanting to get her take and it was so nice to get a verbal acknowledgment of " this much be making you feel terrible about yourself ". Or a paraphrase like " and now you don't feel good about yourself ".

This is exactly why I so badly wanted a third party present in this conversation a few days ago.

And maybe it's been useful to remove sex from the equation for some time - it's my understanding that lust can cloud judgment.

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 06:31 PM
Yeah I think the Dr's order for no sex is helping us honestly. Eventually you just have to call it you know. Many friends and family told me ( even 4-5 weeks ago ) to just be a little more patient seeing that the three of us all got along so well. Now at 7.5 months pretty much everyone is like " yeah go get your stuff ".

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 06:35 PM
I am very much lacking in sexual intertia of any sort towards him. I think even if I was feeling good this would be the case.
In fact I have decided that when I get back in town ( I start a 2-3 day business trip in a few hours ) that touching will NOT occur.
I wanted to at least do 1-2 session with a counselor before being like " I absolutely can not take this anymore ".
He knows that I consider us to be " in a state of emergency " and insistent on counseling.

He describes the few nights I was here in Aug. when she was ( all of which were totally fine by the way ) as " a horrible feeling of guilt ". I told him guilt could be creeping in due to conservative upbringing even though he is " away " from the church. We grew up LDS . My family was less into it than his. His was active and mine just used it as free babysitting. He is an outspoken Atheist now ( even has the tattoo ! ) .

Aug. was a long time ago ( duh ! ) and maybe at that time it was too soon .

I really don't think he will fully get it until he is cut off from sex entirely.
My loss of attraction is due to HIS actions.

There is more I think we should check in with a counselor about .... like meeting in March in Corona times.
We have a really unique story and it would be wise to start these sessions.

charlie61
11-14-2020, 06:41 PM
I remember dating this guy (i told him from the beginning that it'd never be a serious relationship for me, and that it wouldn't be long-term, and i eventually ended it because he was so torn up about how it wasn't a long-term option for me) who kept obsessing over how "things would be perfect if you weren't (fill in the blank here)", and i was always perplexed, like, but i AM those things, and i don't want to change, so why are you making that sound like a possibility?? Those were core qualities that made me who i am - he was basically wishing for a different person. You can't change someone into someone else so that they can be perfect for you. You either accept what they are or find something better suited to your needs (i know that sounds really harsh and general, but unless change is coming from the person's own desire to change, those changes are going to persist as an issue, resurface, come up as a future source of resentment, etc.). Especially on something that is so important and core, you know, compatibility issues, intimacy issues.

I know i sound like a broken record, and let me know if it's too much. But, i just feel you in your posts, and it seems so clear that it's a bit of a rollercoaster ride that will eventually end.

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 07:09 PM
^ I just assumed that schedules would blend more ( obviously incorrectly ) !
I really don't want it to end but it just can't continue this way ( I am not sleeping alone 15 days out of the month anymore ).
It’s up to him whether he is joining me.
He wants me there EVERY night she isn't.
I got confused by that message too because I *almost* have enough.

It's rough because I can't figure out what he is doing sometimes. I really did not get indications early on that he was going to do this ( quite the opposite actually ) . I met his daughter quickly just three weeks after I met him. Sometimes I just find myself pulling at conspiracy theories like " maybe he introduced us quickly to piss his ex off ? " . I assumed he didn't want to continue with someone who didn't gel with his daughter and our connection is very good. Maybe he had some ulterior motives and got " stuck " with me. That's kind of pulling at straws though who the hell knows. I thought the early intro was a great sign. I thought he would go for complete separation if he didn't view me as long term. I see them often ( at least once for a few hours each time she visits or today for example it was like 5 hours ).

I know I'm not being treated right and I know it isn't just in my head. Yes, I think the chance is probably slim that he will be like " I'd like you here 19-20 days out of the next 30 like you suggested ". My own therapist helped me put a finger on why it makes me so angry. He described it as a feeling of
" having a girlfriend label but not quite being a girlfriend ".

whirlerz
11-14-2020, 07:19 PM
How TF you meet some one, let alone date?:(
Cause, I'm tired of being alone.

charlie61
11-14-2020, 07:21 PM
I know you've hinted in the past that you refuse to be treated as a sex bot... is it possible that he's a father who is looking for a somewhat casual relationship to build his self-esteem, fulfill his sexual needs, have some fun, and nothing beyond that? It seems like he experiences no angst over the current situation, and you're the one left feeling unfulfilled. The person who needs less in a relationship will always be the one in control (i know that sounds harsh and game-y, but it's just the nature of the dynamic).

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 07:24 PM
I just can't help but laugh sometimes too because I know things like that his ex can't generate a dime to save her life .
She gets stressed out working 10 hours a week and going to two college classes which is her current routine.
She gets 36k a year over the next three years ( he makes a lot ) but then nothing .
She has some pretty severe mental health issues though. Maybe that is even where his guilt is coming from ( he tried SO hard to help her supposedly ).

Meanwhile I'm running my business and my little real estate empire.
I'm a bad deal though ...... figure that one out.

I’ve outright asked if he was wanting someone who didn’t work ( I won’t ever do that for a multitude of reasons ) and he says that he is proud of what I’ve done and has no problems with my schedule.

We have talked openly about our splits and he describes his as a rough month ( just a month ! ) then he took a 5 week sabatical and realized his life had an amazing improvement / upgrade.

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 07:25 PM
Country clubs !
I got really mistreated by men on dating apps so that is just my next strategy if it ever comes up .


How TF you meet some one, let alone date?:(
Cause, I'm tired of being alone.

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 07:29 PM
Why hang out twice a week regularly with his daughter then?


I know you've hinted in the past that you refuse to be treated as a sex bot... is it possible that he's a father who is looking for a somewhat casual relationship to build his self-esteem, fulfill his sexual needs, have some fun, and nothing beyond that? It seems like he experiences no angst over the current situation, and you're the one left feeling unfulfilled. The person who needs less in a relationship will always be the one in control (i know that sounds harsh and game-y, but it's just the nature of the dynamic).

charlie61
11-14-2020, 07:33 PM
I don't really believe that this is actually a scheduling issue. When guys want to make something happen, they make it happen. It's kind of like when someone says, "i don't have time for that." What they really mean is that they aren't willing to make time for it, aren't motivated enough to find the time for it. There are almost always ways to make something work if you're motivated enough. And i say this as an asexual who is dating a hypersexual heterosexual - i have done a massive amount of work on myself to find ways to fulfill my partner while being mentally healthy and happy... this is change that could only have come from me, and it took a lot of work, but it was so worth it to me, as my guy is such a catch (for the first time, i feel like I'm with an equal, someone i respect and love on such a deep level). Stepping up to the challenge was so worth it. And this isn't work i ever would've done in previous relationships. Just using myself as an example to help elucidate the point!

charlie61
11-14-2020, 07:35 PM
Why hang out twice a week regularly with his daughter then?

Yeah, i hear you. I could speculate on that, but I'm not sure it'd be useful. And all of this is speculative on my part, of course. You're the only one who has all of the details and really knows this guy!

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 07:48 PM
I often feel like he is just dragging his heels.
I am exhausted . I don’t consider him my ( current ) lover until these things are addressed .

Much gratitude for listening to my story and sharing thoughts !

carmen_b
11-14-2020, 07:49 PM
When we talked without a counselor he described our issue as that I see what I’m asking for as “ the next step “ and he sees it as the “ final step “.

I don’t think anyone except the most conservative bible thumping nut jobs would be doing this as this stage. I already feel like an idiot waiting like I have.
I was honest with him that the last 3-4 weeks have been strained for me.

It was three days ago ( Wed.) that we had the big convo.

charlie61
11-14-2020, 07:54 PM
Shera7 was talking about how men date women for who they are now, whereas women tend to date men for their 'potential.' Dating for potential with expectations that may not be fulfilled is understandable, but also highly problematic! Most men are happy with how things are when they start dating you, and they'll let you know if they want to take things to the next level. You can lead a horse to water...

miss.a.p1600
11-14-2020, 08:08 PM
^describes how I’m feeling rn with my relationship

Just shag me backwards!!!!