View Full Version : 2019 DATING Adventures Thread (2018 continuation)
charlie61
11-14-2020, 08:12 PM
^describes how I’m feeling rn with my relationship
Just shag me backwards!!!!
Yes, i thought of that!!! Don't confuse Mr. Right Now with Mr. Right, lol. Enjoy it for what it is, remove expectations, and be ready when something better comes around. I'm so harsh, hahaha. Just care about you ladies.♡
miss.a.p1600
11-14-2020, 09:09 PM
When we talked without a counselor he described our issue as that I see what I’m asking for as “ the next step “ and he sees it as the “ final step “.
I don’t think anyone except the most conservative bible thumping nut jobs would be doing this as this stage. I already feel like an idiot waiting like I have.
I was honest with him that the last 3-4 weeks have been strained for me.
It was three days ago ( Wed.) that we had the big convo.
i might be one of those Bible thumping nut jobs lol! I just told L I think sex is for procreation only like how the old school Catholics think and I haven’t seen him in damn near 2 weeks cause I don’t want to be obligated to sex. Feel kinda bad cause he claims to be a 3x per week kind of guy but unfortunately that’s wifely duties imo and I don’t want to give out the entire goodie bags before then plus I don’t want to force myself to do sexual acts if I’m not at least halfway feeling it. Been so stressed I just haven’t been feeling partnered sex last couple weeks
But as far as your experience (based on how I interpret what you post) He may feel like you mean final because you’re at the point where he do what you ask or it’s over. Sounds like he doesn’t quite want the extra sleepovers yet but he doesn’t want to end it either.
miss.a.p1600
11-14-2020, 09:12 PM
Yes, i thought of that!!! Don't confuse Mr. Right Now with Mr. Right, lol. Enjoy it for what it is, remove expectations, and be ready when something better comes around. I'm so harsh, hahaha. Just care about you ladies.♡
thank you! I do enjoy many aspects because he doesn’t nag me, he’s not aggressive and pushy like most men, he okay with female leadership, seems loyal n committed, etc
im slowing just accepting him as he is now so trying to loosen my expectations of him
not the ambitious 6 figure man I believe he could be. And what he said he would accomplish but hasn’t yet.
only thing I can do now is just be successful myself and I highly believe my ideal man will be there (whether or not it’s my current partner - we shall see)
I can’t guarantee I won’t level up and leave ..... and he knows that. So if he wants to remain he better level up too cotdamn it! Or I’ll find the level up version of him in another man.
carmen_b
11-14-2020, 09:19 PM
No he meant “ final step “ like something at very end phase ( getting engaged ).
miss.a.p1600
11-14-2020, 09:22 PM
Oh! Like he thought you wanted to stay over more so that would kind of indirectly lead to engagement?
carmen_b
11-14-2020, 09:45 PM
^ I think he may “ win “ at whatever he is trying to do.
I’ve had it .
I swore I wouldn’t peep about this without a pro counselor helping us but it was SO hard to book something . 3-4 day wait.
charlie61
11-14-2020, 10:24 PM
i might be one of those Bible thumping nut jobs lol! I just told L I think sex is for procreation only like how the old school Catholics think and I haven’t seen him in damn near 2 weeks cause I don’t want to be obligated to sex. Feel kinda bad cause he claims to be a 3x per week kind of guy but unfortunately that’s wifely duties imo and I don’t want to give out the entire goodie bags before then plus I don’t want to force myself to do sexual acts if I’m not at least halfway feeling it. Been so stressed I just haven’t been feeling partnered sex last couple weeks
But as far as your experience (based on how I interpret what you post) He may feel like you mean final because you’re at the point where he do what you ask or it’s over. Sounds like he doesn’t quite want the extra sleepovers yet but he doesn’t want to end it either.
Just throwing this out there - are you attracted to him physically? I thought i remembered you saying that you don't find him very attractive, but you were attracted to some of the things he was doing, so you went for it. Maybe you just need a sexier guy in your life? :P
miss.a.p1600
11-15-2020, 04:36 AM
True.
He’s a bit chubby and I’m more attracted to athletic shaped men. And sometimes he dresses like too casual.
It pissed me off when he said he was going to quit exercising (when I met him he lost a bunch of weight and exercised every day) because a doctor told him he couldn’t build muscle without medication/surgery. Well building muscle is not the only reason to exercise it’s also to improve cardiovascular health etc.
Now looks isn’t a dealbreaker but money......yes lack of money is very close to the dealbreaker line. I want to live a life as free as possible from financial stress.
So with the money thing.....I lose my attraction to him when he talks about money (usually complaining about how expensive something is, constantly talking about things he wants to buy but can’t afford, etc. and I don’t think he realize he does this frequently) and I think this is what keeps him stuck.
It’s like it’s not registering that if he took that test, applied for that job his family member would help him get, and made more money then he wouldn’t be complaining about money. I could understand if the test was expensive but it’s so cheap that the only barrier is his own laziness n being stuck in his comfort zone (which if he were to really be honest with himself isn’t that comfortable or he wouldn’t be complaining about money n bills all the time n wanting things he can’t afford and THAT frustrates me. Because I see him using his kids as excuse as to why he can’t study/take the damn test.
I think it’s excellent that fathers stay in their kids lives and he has a decent coparent relationship but he will waste time traveling back and forth every damn day to take care of his kids when he can simply pay the woman for meals and gas and let her do the child care. His current custody arrangement is time inefficient and I suspect he agrees to this simply to avoid having to pay child support because in family law if you have your kids most of the time that’s less money you have to pay out to the other parent.
Anyhow
I try to ignore his money rants so it doesn’t affect me but it does.
I don’t know how to tell him “quit talking negatively about money”. We don’t share bank accounts so I don’t know why he is sooo candid about money (or lack there of) at rhis point.
So to make a long story short yes my attraction to him decreases when his conversations coincide with him seeming like he’s staying with the status quo vs. actively improving himself (exercising, eating healthy, doing things to improve his financial situation)
carmen_b
11-15-2020, 08:24 AM
^ I get that !
It might be time to have some conversations about things like high performance strategies ect.
Kind of like mine .... it probably wouldn’t be dead in the water if you were at least having the conversations v.s. just doing no talking at all about what things would look like in a couple or few months.
carmen_b
11-15-2020, 08:28 AM
^ Does he have them more than 50% of the time?
whirlerz
11-15-2020, 08:55 AM
I still wanna f* my roomie upstairs, does that count?:O
miss.a.p1600
11-15-2020, 08:56 AM
^ Does he have them more than 50% of the time?
Yes. I'd say he has his kids between 50-60% of the time. One day he said he had planned to take the test on his off day but he went to go get his kids instead and didn't want to leave them by themselves to go take the test. He has left them alone before to go do frivolous shit like get his hair cut. Plus he could have arranged with his kids mom to pick them up after he took the test. it took everything I had not to hang up in his face.
^ I get that !
It might be time to have some conversations about things like high performance strategies ect.
Kind of like mine .... it probably wouldn’t be dead in the water if you were at least having the conversations v.s. just doing no talking at all about what things would look like in a couple or few months.
Youre right! I don't know how to communicate well in a relationship so Im learning as I go n trying to get better. I was actually going to start a thread on this. or maybe read up on it.
I don't know how to say "Like I love you dearly but can you be more ambitious with your career goals?" "When are you going to take the damn test that barely costs $10 so you can hurry up and apply for that higher paying job" "Yes, I'd love to marry you and have a baby with you but not until you get this higher paying job to prove you can afford to take care of the responsibilities that go along with it" without sounding like nagging or browbeating because I am frustrated. He has a 6 figure career literally waiting on a silver platter and he's blowing his opportunity.
I'm working on improving my finances so I'm frustrated that the universe seems to be mirroring back my own personal flaws or something.
He did ask me what I want for Christmas and so instead of the usual tangible gifts I am going to suggest he get that membership to the omgyes site I think someone on here recommended (so hopefully that will improve his sex skills) and maybe a membership to mindvalley https://www.mindvalley.com/programs/performance - a personal development site (so If I see him bettering himself that will increase attraction for me)
This would be a better idea than nagging, cajoling, coddling, avoiding sex, etc right?
But as far as the topic of dating.....He said he would take me on a date soon. So hopefully it will go well and I'll report back in the next few days.
miss.a.p1600
11-15-2020, 09:12 AM
I still wanna f* my roomie upstairs, does that count?:O
Yeah it counts....do you want him to take you on a date first or just get down to business?
whirlerz
11-15-2020, 11:06 AM
Yeah it counts....do you want him to take you on a date first or just get down to business?
Im ready to get down n' dirty.. don't think it'll ever happen tho :(
charlie61
11-15-2020, 11:53 AM
Yes. I'd say he has his kids between 50-60% of the time. One day he said he had planned to take the test on his off day but he went to go get his kids instead and didn't want to leave them by themselves to go take the test. He has left them alone before to go do frivolous shit like get his hair cut. Plus he could have arranged with his kids mom to pick them up after he took the test. it took everything I had not to hang up in his face.
Youre right! I don't know how to communicate well in a relationship so Im learning as I go n trying to get better. I was actually going to start a thread on this. or maybe read up on it.
I don't know how to say "Like I love you dearly but can you be more ambitious with your career goals?" "When are you going to take the damn test that barely costs $10 so you can hurry up and apply for that higher paying job" "Yes, I'd love to marry you and have a baby with you but not until you get this higher paying job to prove you can afford to take care of the responsibilities that go along with it" without sounding like nagging or browbeating because I am frustrated. He has a 6 figure career literally waiting on a silver platter and he's blowing his opportunity.
I'm working on improving my finances so I'm frustrated that the universe seems to be mirroring back my own personal flaws or something.
He did ask me what I want for Christmas and so instead of the usual tangible gifts I am going to suggest he get that membership to the omgyes site I think someone on here recommended (so hopefully that will improve his sex skills) and maybe a membership to mindvalley https://www.mindvalley.com/programs/performance - a personal development site (so If I see him bettering himself that will increase attraction for me)
This would be a better idea than nagging, cajoling, coddling, avoiding sex, etc right?
But as far as the topic of dating.....He said he would take me on a date soon. So hopefully it will go well and I'll report back in the next few days.
I think you're coming from the right place, but man...i just don't see that going well. Sounds kind of emasculating to get him memberships to self-improvement sites for your Christmas gift. Girl, i just don't know... sounds like multiple dealbreakers that are just not worth your time and energy. If he were really motivated to improve, he'd be the one taking those steps.
carmen_b
11-15-2020, 01:14 PM
^ Yeah , you might have this deep disappointment over not him not making 6 figures and you can't let up on it.
Kind of like my sleeping alone 15 days a month thing.
Like ....maybe I could relax on it if I knew it was ending in 1-2 months ?
Maybe you could relax if you saw him flighting to " better " himself.
;/
Sometimes we have these *things* we can't just let go. Call them the " core " compatibility stuff.
I *think* I can date someone making a normal amount ( like 50-70 k ) but I don't even know because I have only dated higher earners in the last 12-13 months. Making this shift was a big change for me because if you look back at my info you see this trend of " this person doesn't value my / his time " . I was always feeling angry and tearing my hair out ! I wasn't dating busy / successful enough people I think. So I started raising the bar a bit and having some more success.
Now I have kind of established that as a routine haha and it's going to be hard to break.
We can't travel or do the nicer dates that " normal " life would offer anyway so whether he made 50 k or what he makes ....... it's kind of all this grey blur anyway. We are getting the same take out and boredom everyone has gotten out of 2020 . Maybe *slightly* better take out food. That is my big win I guess lol.
I'm not sure if any of that helps. Just typing as a first response " straight from the hip " here.
L probably wants someone more relaxed ( like you making 30-40 and him making 50-60 ) . The fact is .... many people live on even less than this. These are normal types of numbers . If you want to go for the bigger fish ...... there is some serious serious competition . There is also an energy that begins to be present where these guys realize that women are very very very responsive to them ( and maybe this is a fresh and new in the last 3-4 years type of thing ). Many of these dudes got sort of passed over earlier in life and just fought like hell to be successful . Then you might find one ( successful ) but also find commitment issues due to having so much choice.
carmen_b
11-15-2020, 01:16 PM
I will say though ( since I have some experience in this ) that dating the higher earning ones is a patience test in it's own way.
These people often didn't get up to these levels by being relaxed and easy going.
They often MADE these things happen and can be more difficult to blend with ( schedules ect. ) so your own flexibility can be a selling point here.
Don't be surprised if you date one and find them unwilling to bend on things that seem random !
carmen_b
11-15-2020, 01:32 PM
My one friend says ..... " Want to fuck Rock Stars ? Well then ........ offer " !
Basically you don't get that dick by sitting there quietly in the corner do you ? Lol.
Let me be the one to put it in the most crass way possible omg.
Im ready to get down n' dirty.. don't think it'll ever happen tho :(
charlie61
11-15-2020, 02:38 PM
Miss. a.p1600 - are you looking for a more normal, real-love type relationship? I always got the sense that you were looking for a shera7-type situation, like being with a man who makes great money and works hard to keep you in a certain lifestyle, true love optional. I'm not talking about someone "with potential" to become that. I thought that's specifically what you were looking for. Maybe clarifying that goal will help you sort out your next steps. I always thought you'd be looking for options on whatsyourprice (getting paid to go out on lunch dates with rich guys, to see if you hit it off), sugar sites, or normal dating sites with your expectations stated upfront. But maybe I'm really missing the mark here?
miss.a.p1600
11-15-2020, 05:22 PM
Miss. a.p1600 - are you looking for a more normal, real-love type relationship? I always got the sense that you were looking for a shera7-type situation, like being with a man who makes great money and works hard to keep you in a certain lifestyle, true love optional. I'm not talking about someone "with potential" to become that. I thought that's specifically what you were looking for. Maybe clarifying that goal will help you sort out your next steps. I always thought you'd be looking for options on whatsyourprice (getting paid to go out on lunch dates with rich guys, to see if you hit it off), sugar sites, or normal dating sites with your expectations stated upfront. But maybe I'm really missing the mark here?
yes that is the goal
I guess got confused ....about my ability to attract EXACTLY what I want because I know I need to level up myself plus I’m like well he checked every box except the hot body and the high paying career, no one is perfect, he treats me mostly well so I’ll just roll with it.
But then we had a pregnancy scare and everything came into perspective that for me that im Not all the way satisfied n I can’t suppress. I’m either going to have to change my deep rooted beliefs about the male role as a provider (become a 50/50 chick) or I stop what I’m doing/end it with him, start the dating process all over again.
I guess I’ve never had a guy be so caring towards me it’s making it hard for me to leave.
charlie61
11-15-2020, 06:21 PM
yes that is the goal
I guess got confused ....about my ability to attract EXACTLY what I want because I know I need to level up myself plus I’m like well he checked every box except the hot body and the high paying career, no one is perfect, he treats me mostly well so I’ll just roll with it.
But then we had a pregnancy scare and everything came into perspective that for me that im Not all the way satisfied n I can’t suppress. I’m either going to have to change my deep rooted beliefs about the male role as a provider (become a 50/50 chick) or I stop what I’m doing/end it with him, start the dating process all over again.
I guess I’ve never had a guy be so caring towards me it’s making it hard for me to leave.
See to me, caring about your partner is just... normal. Like, I've had sugar daddies who were extremely caring and respectful. I think part of it has to do with who you're attracting, and part of that comes from clarifying your intentions and purifying your own energy so that you weed out the bad eggs quickly. I think some of this comes back to self-work. Our baggage, communication issues, intimacy issues, and nonverbal signals can cause so many problems, attract the wrong people, and turn off the good ones out there. I just never imagined I'd hear that you're dating a guy with kids, who can't support you financially, chubby, not ambitious, not a great lover, etc. Even if he made $100k, child support would cut that in half, pre-tax. It's crazy. My ex made something like $120k, and because of child support, i still made more than he did at my entry-level job when i was stepping back into vanilla work. You can find someone who cares about you deeply and is also at your level when it comes to what you're looking for. Desperate "good guys" will always be there to care for beautiful catches like you. Do you know what i mean? That sounds crazy harsh, but like, what is he bringing to the table other than caring about you? Man, i sound like the worst, lol. I promise I'm not projecting onto you - you and i have very different preferences when it comes to relationship dynamics. I just feel like i have some idea of what you're all about from reading your posts over the years!
Maybe now that your celibate period is over, you'll be more open to getting back into dating / expanding your horizons (especially once the pandemic is more under control). Sometimes dating someone who isn't quite the right choice can really help clarify future direction. It seems like you're an ideal option for so many older, wealthy guys out there who want that exclusive girlfriend to treat and take care of (and yes, also sleep with on a reasonable dating timeline).
charlie61
11-15-2020, 06:41 PM
Like, man, if i were single and looking for financial freedom through a man, i would be hitting those sites up, playing the sugar bowl, going out to paid nice lunches, setting up my dating profile to weed out time-wasters... if you're a good-looking woman in the 20-40 range (especially), I'd think it would be fairly simple to start finding interested guys. And maybe you start by just finding a couple of guys who are fun to be around and treat you to lifestyle perks... casual beginnings can turn into deeper, more committed relationships over time. Of course, I'm talking about in a world that isn't going through a pandemic. I can understand why folks are playing more conservatively with potentially dead-end relationships right now (no one wants to be lonely right now).
carmen_b
11-15-2020, 07:57 PM
I’m fascinated by all our stories here!
I hope we all ( eventually ) get what we want !
miss.a.p1600
11-17-2020, 08:03 PM
In all fairness he did try some things I suggested that I liked to get me in the mood but he did get lazy and revert back to his old ways.
He took me on a date today
A nice upperscale restaurant with good food
He asked me to come back to his place but I declined because I had work
charlie61
11-17-2020, 10:11 PM
Shera7 was talking about how when guys finally do level up, they often leave the women who helped them get there, because they want to be with someone who isn't aware of their pre-level-up selves, and it isn't a good feeling for them to be with the person who kicked their asses up the ladder. I know that mentality sounds kind of jaded, and it's really not something that's relevant to my life, but i can see that there might be some truth to that. Like you do everything you can to help this guy level up, and then once he's there, he starts attracting new potential relationships into his life, and they think he's always walked on water.
miss.a.p1600
11-18-2020, 03:48 AM
^LOL!! So true.
That happened to my dad’s current gf. She’s makes a great salary I’m
Guessing six figures with excellent perks.
Her ex husband up n left her AFTER she helped him get a high paying job with the same company she’s with.
After a few years he disappeared one day. Figured out he left for a much younger woman he’s now married to.
Sucks. Some other woman benefitting from her efforts.
miss.a.p1600
11-18-2020, 03:52 AM
And I do agree.
I don’t think I’d invest in a man with my own money or connections unless it were my son if I had one.
I do think she has some valid points about if you do too much to help men they subconsciously view you as masculine and then they start competing with you or will be come resentful that you’re doing things that could be seen as emasculating them
Like dude I am NOT your mom.
miss.a.p1600
11-18-2020, 03:59 AM
Sorry to keep posting. Last one for a min.
My longtime Facebook friend I’ll call him Texas has called me a couple times here recently.
He said he just closed on a house.
My mind instantly defaulted to how he seems to be in a better position financially at this current time than L with credit card debt, medical bills, and two young kids. I feel somewhat guilty about keeping the door open but eh! Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
I don’t think I can leave L right now because he just got diagnosed with a medical condition he says requires surgery but I gotta figure out what to do because he’s been talking about marrying, moving in, and having a kid together (none of which I’m sure about doing with him until he resolves his debt and increases his income)
carmen_b
11-18-2020, 05:02 AM
^ Be straight then !
“ I don’t want a kid until we get to combined income xyz”.
It drops a little hint that you are expecting income to be on the rise and clearly puts it out there .
miss.a.p1600
11-18-2020, 06:56 AM
Thanks Carmen.
I said that before but I think he glossed over it. I’ll have to reiterate.
He did say he was willing to get some life insurance with me as a beneficiary so at least he’s willing to put me in his will or whatnot. If he can acquire some assets really soon and clear the bad debt that would be even better.
I’m learning to be more open and forthcoming from y’all :)
Anyone planning any dates soon? The holidays are right around the corner
lurkingtitties
11-18-2020, 01:44 PM
Anyone planning any dates soon? The holidays are right around the corner
You mean like eating takeout in the park? Covid is completely out of control right now yo
miss.a.p1600
11-18-2020, 02:40 PM
^welp, good points!
I don't think I'll be going on any dates soon with L; unless he changes his situation soon. Turns out he has to incur medical expenses and credit card debt he needs to handle before I agree to any dates in near future and I am not doing any Netflix n chill.
And yeah the people got too relaxed and now social gatherings are quite limited.
carmen_b
11-18-2020, 03:35 PM
We do the scenic viewpoint and take out thing.
Or go for dinner 3:30-4.
Our area is more rural with numbers that were not bad but even here it’s getting up there and we are being more careful.
carmen_b
11-18-2020, 09:51 PM
Aw we had a scheduling fail.
I had just rsvpd for dinner with my parents and he went to an old friends going away.
It’s cute when they miss you huh?
He’s sent multiple notes that he wishes I was there. Very sweet haha.
This gets me suckered in. The last one was “ Fuuuccckkk I wish you were here “.
I’m a busy girl love gotta plan ahead . :)
It’s clear he cares for me but a shame he won’t blend schedules more.
I wish I was happy with the 15 day a month cap but I’m not.
I can not really offer monogamy anymore if he’s leaving me to sleep alone 5 days a week every other week.
Therapy in 1-2 days.
carmen_b
11-18-2020, 10:26 PM
I’m very hesitant to have sex until we get to these issues .
I felt good about leaving last week but got sick and he was so good with me.
Zofia
11-19-2020, 12:48 PM
^ Be straight then !
“ I don’t want a kid until we get to combined income xyz”.
It drops a little hint that you are expecting income to be on the rise and clearly puts it out there .
^This is good advice.^
BF and I rushed into having a baby. And then the reality of finances intruded. Even though I make enough to support her, BF wanted and needed to be involved beyond sperm donation. Give him loads of cred, he is like one of the world's best sperm donors. ;-)
I insisted that he have a certain income so that we were a better financial match. To his cred, he stepped up. He finished his degree in engineering. He has a great job and has moved steadily up the ranks at work. He definitely pulls his own weight financially. My only real wish is he didn't have to be gone so much. Hurricane season is a bitch with him taking remote assignments all fall. Still, the extra money is great to have. Even if all it does is boost his retirement account.
XOXO
Z
carmen_b
11-19-2020, 02:02 PM
I’m terrified .
:/
I’ve got to put my foot down and have the next chat omg .
We managed to talk again two days ago and not even get to the crux of the issue.
He mentioned we were not having fun lately.
So true ! I can’t relax when I feel like someone is wasting my time.
I got us this counseling spot tomorrow but don’t know if he will even do it at 1:15.
I’m just miserable. I dread the next week of sleeping alone 5 days in the week ....or without him anyway.
I find it difficult to even chill knowing that tomorrow ( friday ) he and I have a rare 4 day weekend which a month ago would have made my day.
I really wanted to talk a week ago.
I still had * some * patience left then. :(
I feel sex will be bad for me emotionally because I so badly need OUT of the loop where I'm not satisfied with the state of things.
carmen_b
11-19-2020, 02:55 PM
I went back and forth for about 6 weeks now doing the " just be a little more patient " thing and then this week I'm like " Is this a fair request ? " .
I am always questioning this but I KNOW I'm not happy with the current set up. I had hoped things would just come through ( that the patience would be rewarded with a plan by him to not be sleeping alone so often ).
THEN I got reamed by this other internet forum ( WHY do I even talk to civilian women ) about how I was being unreasonable and I'm sitting here going " did you guys not read that it has been nearly 8 months already and I get along great with daughter ? " .
Anyway .... sorry to bring it up AGAIN !
I am trying to figure it out!
Now I'm waiting until about 3-4 p.m. tomorrow because he has his daughter today and I don't want to bombarb him during his busier work hours.
I am paranoid that I will not have the balls to do it but I think I will just force myself to .
carmen_b
11-19-2020, 09:28 PM
Has anyone done " energy " work. Like taken specific yoga classes for it ? I took one lately called energy medicine and it has give me some awareness.
I can feel ( and visualized ) my pussy and heart in these fire balls communicating like " no , we don't like him anymore " .
I find it so fascinating how my body is having this ultra strong response and the self work that I am doing is explaining what is going on in a clear way.
I down played it ( my disappointments ) up until about two weeks ago so I am just not sure what will happen . I had tried to gently bring this forward and that did NOT work.
miss.a.p1600
11-20-2020, 06:22 AM
Well I’ve never done energy work. Sounds Interesting. I have done meditation, self hypnosis, etc.
I do think my vagina has feelings, a “mind” of its own, and a “memory”
Sometimes my vagina won’t let me do things that I might otherwise give into doing.
carmen_b
11-20-2020, 06:53 PM
I typed it all out in a letter and just gave it to him 5 minutes ago.
I guess his ex had a mental health issue today and couldn't parent so he had to take his daughter today also.
No problem. I invited them to dinner with my family and we had a nice couple of hours together.
I do kind of feel bad handing him the damn letter today but we were supposed to have our time scheduled after 4p.m. today.
I ended up emailing a copy to not do the hand off in front of my family.
The letter spelled out the lack of forward motion and my disappointment ( along with a confession that it had been 4 weeks of it and not two ) .
It's always something you know. Tomorrow could have popped up with something else and then Sunday another issue and then boom we lose another week.
I want OUT of the sleeping alone 5 days in a week loop.
Guilt is hitting pretty damn hard because I really do believe he didn't think it was an emergency ( despite me asking for emergency counseling ).
The guilt was hitting me because he seemed so excited about tomorrow ( finally getting some time to ourselves and me not being sick ).
My room mate today was amazing !
She asked about this and I told her what I was about to do ( she has seen us all so many times together ) .
She was like " What the HELL is he thinking ? This must be making you feel like shit! " and I really liked the concise accuracy of her take on it.
charlie61
11-20-2020, 06:54 PM
I typed it all out in a letter and just have it to him 5 minutes ago.
Omg girl!!
charlie61
11-20-2020, 07:01 PM
Carmen, i think the element that makes the most sense to me is that you aren't getting enough quality time with him, which is unacceptable for you, personally, when you're in a *monogamous* relationship. Is this a potential way out for you? Like, offer to open the relationship up so that you can get that itch scratched? Not in a threatening way. But I'm assuming he'd refuse (likely a deal-breaker), or agree to more time with you (unlikely), and then that could be your 'out'? This just seems like a core incompatibility that neither of you are willing to budge on.
I personally move at a slower pace, so i can relate to your guy's stance on this... my last relationship lasted nearly eleven years, so to me, eight months of dating sounds and feels like nothing...i would never have had my current guy living with me for 90% of the week after eight months (and i don't have a kid). That's basically like moving in together, intimacy-wise. My partner is similar to you - the away time was really hard on him. But he was patient, and we've lived together for over two years now. Not saying you should do this.
He could have a few reasons for wanting to move more slowly. Some people really enjoy compartmentalizing their lives... play time on the weekends, work and routine during the week. Or maybe he needs his introverted social space during the week. Idk. But there's nothing wrong with the fact that you have emotional and physical needs that result in you moving at a faster pace. I just don't see him bending on this and having it go well / feel satisfying to you. Like forcing a square peg into a round hole.
carmen_b
11-20-2020, 07:15 PM
^ I actually would be fine if he was cool with me seeing another dude on those weeks where I'm sleeping alone 5 nights !
I was hoping to slowly transition to 4-5 days a week ( and it doesn't have to be now even ) when we are both in town.
It's less obviously when travel and things are in the mix.
I could hold it together if I knew I could have it in 2-3 weeks for example.
I'm just not doing this anymore ! I'm so proud of myself.
I was on fire today. Got all gorgeous. Typed that damn thing up and went to the local shop to print it out lol ( I don't own a printer ) . Hahahaha.
charlie61
11-20-2020, 07:18 PM
^ what did you write??? And why write instead of talk?
charlie61
11-20-2020, 07:20 PM
Yeah, maybe suggest the open relationship. There is no way he has the time or energy to have a second girlfriend, and i highly doubt he'd be okay with you indulging...so it'd probably only be smart to bring up if you're looking to end things, as like a final attempt to negotiate.
carmen_b
11-20-2020, 07:23 PM
I wrote it all out because I was worried I'd freeze !
He also has a habit of downscaling what is going on ( such as wiggling out of the counseling I asked for 8-9 days ago ).
We could have had a couple extremely helpful sessions by now !
The letter was long but it was basically just saying that I had become very unhappy over the last 4 weeks to the point that even my amazing self care routine wasn't working ( which is very extensive with yoga, massage, meditation, and various work outs ) .
Maybe 4-5 days a week is just " too much " for him and maybe he is simply doing the best he could .
The 15 day cap ( which really is 12-14 evenings together considering even a single trip out of town in a month can knock it to that ) is extremely hard on me.
When other people say " I would be fine with it " that information just doesn't really apply to ME.
I was really just asking for any *slight* bend.
Like ...... if he gave me even two extra evenings even I could probably hold my shit together.
We could even say to his daugther for example " C is staying to night to make her early yoga class ".
We could put a practical spin on it if needed to try it but he won't try at all.
I think it is obvious he has some some sort of deep guilt issue ( he referenced feeling guilty during those few nights we tried having me there ). No one who knows me can figure out WTF the problem is. I work with their schedule. I'm not around too much ( and when I'm am I'm actively helpful ).
It's MORE than that though. He isn't listening when I am speaking up ( I brought this up very gently 4 weeks ago, a little more two weeks ago, and it was a week ago I asked for emergency counseling ). Now I'm in position where I am having to yell ( well type ) just to be heard v.s. just simply being listened to.
charlie61
11-20-2020, 07:29 PM
I think it's just a really mentally unhealthy position for you to feel stuck in. I mentioned in the other thread that you're feeling completely intimately dependent on someone who has you on an intimacy diet. You'd be fine if you could supplement that diet by having a second hot body on standby.
carmen_b
11-20-2020, 07:35 PM
^ I do like your suggestion and I think it's great.
It would have been a great approach and probably still something we could discuss.
I'm going to dig through and see what you said ! I didn't see that other reply yet.
He " doesn't want other cocks involved " ( his words ) .
I have asked for this info before when discussing adult fun.
I have fantasy scenarios where I want others involved ( mostly just watching ) which he knows about.
I agreed to the no other dicks request 2-3 months ago.
I can see women but at least as of a couple months ago he wanted the only dick involved to be his ( which was fine with me at that time ).
Maybe he did the best he could.
Maybe he hoped his feelings would grow and they didn't.
It doesn't really matter . An open relationship *might* work for us but I assumed he wouldn't go for that plan.
carmen_b
11-20-2020, 07:41 PM
Maybe there is something wrong with him. I also assumed it would be hurtful to suggest the open relationship and was trying to be kind.
I know his ex wife also offered an open relationship before leaving.
I just wanted to give an accurate gauge in the letter of what I had been through.
It's been week by week I have hoped for change. I have felt stress every week strongly in the last four weeks but it drastically spiked the last 1-2 weeks.
It's *possible* the letter was drastic but I felt like I had to say it ALL and get it out there. We have had different experiences of the last four weeks. Mine was filled with frustration . I assume he felt fine.