View Full Version : 2019 DATING Adventures Thread (2018 continuation)
carmen_b
01-02-2021, 09:36 AM
^ Aw !! Haha
Yeah your view can change !
I wasn’t sure when you said that if you knew about the AirBnBs with so much vacancy / the details of that.
I often feel like I do so much ( flexibility with my schedule ect ) so I am like “ ok make things easy for me “.
With your guy his schedule is a week on / then a week off with kid ?
The main thing I could suggest there is 1-2 evenings on the kid week of babysitter ( even if just a few hours ). The really tricky thing about that schedule is that you can’t really spend all kid free 7 days . 7 days together is too much together time and then 7 days apart is awful. Has has thought of doing 3-4 day blocks any chance ?
I’ll try to come back and offer some more tips too . :)
You guys are new ( so you might meet daughter in a few more weeks ) .
carmen_b
01-02-2021, 09:43 AM
I slept on the talk and no sex .
I would like this to be my main home ( with ease ) since my AirBnBs are my other / secondary home.
It’s the feeling of things never moving forward without me saying something.
He always tends to “ come around “ too but ugh. :/
I bet in 1-2 days he will probably be like “ you are right it’s wasteful to rent the room “ . It can’t just be a whole hearted invite though to move forward! THAT is uncomfortable.
He moved VERY fast with his ex so I think he gets paranoid . I assumed 6 months but they moved in at 3. That was 12 years ago in his mid 20s haha. It made me jealous and was a detail I just had to let go ( my own past is certainly colorful enough anyway ).
carmen_b
01-02-2021, 11:54 AM
He proposed one solution as going out more in our area . It made sense to me ( feeling very constricted and limited since he is more covid cautious ). He’s going to do some research today on less busy restaurants / non - peak timing options.
I have to admit though ( just to include truth here ) this is the third time that I’ve “ had it “ with him. The first he fixed within hours ( at 6 weeks acknowledging we were gf / bf ) . I was basically on my way out when he decided that the label WAS in fact appropriate. Then that phase in November when he wouldn’t blend schedules more and I was completely ready to walk away then too.
We did have a nice December . I will say that.
carmen_b
01-02-2021, 01:08 PM
Lurking :
I wanted to offer sympathy as my NYE was underwhelming too ( not worth explaining )!
It sucks.
carmen_b
01-02-2021, 03:31 PM
He wants to do lsd today.
NO.
That last thing I want is heavy drugs with someone I’m mad at / disappointed with ( at least currently ). Maybe it would help him but it seems risky to me ( it’s been 4-5 months since we did ).
I could see it going badly.
I don’t understand his logic of “ waiting 2-3 weeks “ for a move in ( that isn’t a move in as I literally can have 10-12 Airbnb nights for me on his kid days in next 30 ). It’s 2 nights I have sold that he also has his daughter.
Well I booked my nights anyway . :/
If nothing more than just getting my own place for those.
carmen_b
01-02-2021, 04:47 PM
He’s booking us ( or maybe just him ) at the ski lodge mid Jan. again. It kind of feels like putting a bandaid on a bigger problem. I get it though ( something fun to look forward to ).
It’s really odd / funny almost.
I’m in the bath now just realizing I would have been SO happy if he would have given me each little milestone a little faster.
lurkingtitties
01-03-2021, 06:33 AM
Carmen, yeah, he has a week on/week off schedule.
I finally broke down yesterday and told him over text that I was having a hard time with a bunch of stuff. Not productive I know but I felt like my feelings were eating me up inside. He didn’t react well initially but eventually I think we came to an understanding. He seems to react to conflict by shutting down/pushing away.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 08:13 AM
^ Whats the plan ?
1-2 nights with sitter or early bed time and you go there a few hours ?
Both could provide some relief.
I’m suggesting evening things assuming you each work in the day.
If that is not the case a day time activity group or something is also something to consider.
I’ve done that too ! I try to be patient but then kind of spill !
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 08:20 AM
J going out again in off peak times will help. It’s prob been two months since we had a meal out in our area.
I spent most of yesterday just feeling like I made I mistake staying with him the last couple months.
Dec. was good !
It’s a lot to sort out ( I wouldn’t mind counseling ). It’s just a sense of frustration about him always moving slow. I get angry about it. He did remind me though yesterday that I got everything I wanted ( schedules incorporated more ect.)! I just wanted it more seamlessly. I told him I was angry we didn’t blend schedules more at 6 months. I think he must *see* what I’m talking about. He had to wait until I was so frustrated ( once again ready to leave ) in mid November ! It isn’t a healthy pattern and we should talk to someone about this.
He feels that the weekend hasn’t been “ fun “ .
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 09:02 AM
I reminded L of Valentine’s Day coming up and his ass was like “oh I haven’t even thought about it”
Well I’m telling you NOW so you can financially prepare. Idgaf what you n Bertha did or didn’t do but *I* want a day of romance. I want to go to a nice restaurant considering we haven’t been on a formal date since October.
Then he’s like “I’m just going to surprise you”
Um NO.
I’m probably just going to book at reservation for 1 at the bar of one of the high end restaurants - tell his ass he can go or not but I’m going with or without him. I’d probably rather go without him because I honestly don’t know if he can afford it.
He doesn’t seem serious about getting this license for this new career (he’s been off work for 3 weeks n only studied ONCE)and now for his remaining time off he had to watch his kids for two weeks. I can see it now “I had the kids so I couldn’t study”
he brought up ring shopping again. I don’t understand how he can be so serious about weddings and ring shopping but not serious about improving himself financially for a marriage?!?
I might need to have another conversation so I am clear that I’m not moving forward in this relationship if he is not moving forward in his career.
lurkingtitties
01-03-2021, 09:08 AM
I haven’t asked for a formal solution yet. I def am gonna discuss it with him further in person but I sort of feel like it’s not my place to ask him to get a babysitter? I mean it’s barely been a month.
He finally opened up more about parenting stuff a bit today. He was really being private about that stuff which was def weirding me out, but I was trying to let him take the lead as far as what he felt comfortable sharing with me. Then yesterday he said I’ve been weird since finding out that he was a father...nah bro, you’re the one who doesn’t want to talk about it/made things weird in the first place!
Anyway I guess today he is teaching her about time, which I think is interesting. And also about state capitols. I got excited and went on a whole tangent about planetary orbits and then sent him a video clip from the Magic School Bus where the kid takes his helmet off on Pluto and his head turns to ice. And then told him not to show his daughter because that shit kept me up at night as a kid. Lol
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 09:16 AM
^ I think that stuff is hard. They don’t know how much to share .
It’s seems like none of us here are totally happy haha .
Maybe it’ll shift. I feel like I just “ hate him for being slow “. I’m not even sure these are entirely logical thoughts. I’ve always had a hard time in winter.
It’s not exactly going to strain me to rent that room through Jan.
It’s $500. I’d just *prefer* he’d be like “ no just get it two weeks since you don’t need it after that. THIS is your main home”. It just makes me mad because with all the AirBnB space I’ll prob be there 3-5 nights in the month.
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 09:16 AM
I’m guessing you guys are younger but yeah I didn’t date guys with kids till I was in my mid to late twenties cause most of them had kids by then.
Oh n trust if YOU had a kid they’d have no qualms about asking you to get a sitter. The good ones will offer to pay for it (especially if they know your ex is trifling). But yeah if it doesn’t feel comfortable then just wait on that.
Dude most like created his own self-fulfilling prophecy but him feeling weird about being a young single father he inadvertently manifested a situation where it didn’t initially seem like a smooth transition. Hopefully he’ll get better at communicating important details with you as time goes on and trust builds
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 09:22 AM
^ I think that stuff is hard. They don’t know how much to share .
It’s seems like none of here are totally happy haha .
Maybe it’ll shift. I feel like I just “ hate him for being slow “. I’m not even sure these are entirely logical thoughts. I’ve always had a hard time in winter.
Your’re right.
Im having to remind myself constantly to shift from “I hate him for being so cheap minded, un-ambitious, etc” to “I’m thankful my partner is taking steps to improve his finances, I’m glad he paid for my gas/groceries/etc”
Maybe I need to visit the Gratitude thread more often n start speaking what I want into existence (instead of the opposite, when I start ranting)
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 09:28 AM
Since I tend to default into trying to “ save “ relationships I just want to give myself a little space and permission to play with the idea of not doing that ( especially feeling unhappy ).
I remind myself each day that this doesn’t have to be a default setting . I want to look at it “ as is “ and see if it’s acceptable ( or not ). I still have a choice to not move forward if that is what I want to do.
It doesn’t have to be high drama, abuse, drugs ect.
Just moving slow ( to the point of causing anger / frustration to partner ) can also be enough reason.
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 09:28 AM
Before I practice me gratitude n manifesting, I guess I do need to be honest. I kind of miss the treatment from the old dude.
We would go to restaurants all the time. And he had a nice n big house. And he would gift me cash.
I liked that he seemed more financially stable.
Only thing was he didn’t want to marry or have more kids.
Ughhhh
Why can’t we have harems? Finding the total package man seems like some obscure task that takes fkn forever!
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 09:50 AM
^ I’m only looking for half that haha.
Just the restaurants and Big house haha.
I like his kid. I don’t want my own ( he was hesitant to have one and doesn’t want more ). I have my own cash.
My “ children “ are dog, niece , nephew.
J did willingly have her though. I honestly thought it was a “ forgotten “ birth control situation so I’m kind of relieved to know his ex wasn’t *that* crazy.
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 09:55 AM
^yeah kids are money pits
Since neither of you want more then increasing finances doesn’t seem like *that* big of a deal.
That’s good you like his kid n y’all get along
I just notice how L is in denial that having another kid mean he need to step up his finances. He joked about “oh what if you are pregnant” “I’d be okay with that it would actually be refreshing”
And I’m thinking “that would be a nightmare right now”. He hasn’t recovered financially from his divorce two years ago. He foolishly sold his house they lived in, now he’s renting and he can’t buy a new home because he stupidly let his ex wife run up a credit card that neither one of them paid off so his credit is still shot to hell.
Not to mention, when people have money they usually don’t have to wait to get what they want. Lots of stuff he needs but can’t or won’t buy
So yeah....
He’s not the typical guy I’d usually date but I found myself getting caught up with him because he listens to my daily ramblings, is emotionally expressive, communicates pretty well and does the relationship things that most guys don’t do.
It’s just I wish he could provide more so I’d feel more at ease being with him long term
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 10:15 AM
^ Youve seen him awhile so Spell out the numbers / timelines you are thinking of ( best I can advise ).
I just worry about you guys looping like we do .
Lhis morning J said he didn’t feel things were moving too slow.
Yes, obviously HE doesn’t haha !
It’s only a problem if it feels uncomfy to one of you.
I’m driving him up the mountain in my Jeep to snowboard.
I wasn’t pleasant the last two days and want to do something to offset it and get us out of the house .
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 11:10 AM
^Typical dudes! Lol....... They would never feel like they're moving too slow - until their feet are held to the fire so to speak
lurkingtitties
01-03-2021, 11:13 AM
Dude most like created his own self-fulfilling prophecy but him feeling weird about being a young single father he inadvertently manifested a situation where it didn’t initially seem like a smooth transition. Hopefully he’ll get better at communicating important details with you as time goes on and trust builds
Ayup that’s pretty much what my mom said
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 12:12 PM
Lurking : ^ It’s a bummer he wasn’t up front / not awkward.
I think he might have just thought women would run but obviously people who have kids date ect.! It’s also ethically wrong ( hiding that ). He may feel guilty he did that to you.
Life goes on haha.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 12:15 PM
Yeah it’s why I feel we need counseling. To address the pattern before it gets worse or I lose patience entirely. That’s the crux of it. I’ve just been a *hair* away from having no patience left multiple times .
I feel lost but can’t have anymore talk about it ( I’m so bored circling round with it ect .)!
We are up on the mountain now.
Miss P : there is just so much with what you said. If I was slow for example ( like had I wanted to wait a few months for sex ) you can’t tell me THAT wouldn’t have been a problem ! Haha.
^Typical dudes! Lol....... They would never feel like they're moving too slow - until their feet are held to the fire so to speak
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 12:19 PM
I feel comfort in knowing I’ll get my housing upgrade regardless. Maybe it won’t be as nice as HIS house but he bought that for three people. I’m just 1 + 8 pound dog ( if it comes down to that ).
I know I’m upgrading / scaling up in real estate regardless of what he does and it’s comforting.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 12:22 PM
Yeah 99% sure he’d move me in about 2-3 weeks if I was like “ I just can’t take this “ but I don’t want to create that energy! What a sad way to move forward.
I did say something like “ My mom and sister are confused about this too .”
This is not exactly impressive to my family that at over 9 Months of me bending my schedule ( it'll be 10 months in Feb. ) to his that I need this “ just in case “ spot to stay . I’m not at his house full time and wouldn't ever be. With the AirBnBs just having two instead of 1 is an instant surplus of empty space. We bought the 2nd one in Sept. !
^Typical dudes! Lol....... They would never feel like they're moving too slow - until their feet are held to the fire so to speak
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 01:07 PM
Yeah it’s why I feel we need counseling. To address the pattern before it gets worse or I lose patience entirely. That’s the crux of it. I think he doesn’t know I’ve just been a *hair* away from having no patience left multiple times .
I feel lost but can’t have anymore talk about it ( I’m so bored circling round with it ect .)!
We are up on the mountain now.
Miss P : there is just so much with what you said. If I was slow for example ( like had I wanted to wait a few months for sex ) you can’t tell me THAT wouldn’t have been a problem ! Haha.
Male privilege at its finest.
They love having us wait for shit indefinitely till we nag the hell out of them maybe even threaten to leave or find another dude but when it comes to sex...aw naw they asses are checking out after 2 weeks.
miss.a.p1600
01-03-2021, 01:08 PM
I feel the same way
Like if L doesn’t do SOMETHING tangible to prove he can earn more....I’m outta here
I feel like if his feet ain’t held to the fire he won’t do shit.
And then it’s like do you really even want this if you have to be backed into doing it
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 06:16 PM
He's being very sweet to book these trips for us.
Maybe he should just pay for that room though since that is the main thing that is driving me crazy. He has that ski place booked ( $500 ) and vegas is up next ( I'm not sure where he is booking ). This could cover like 5-7 weeks in that room I feel is a waste ! :(
I'll probably delete most of this. Thanks for listening to my weekend of thoughts.
Yes, I am reminding myself that I don't have to stay just because of these bookings.
I do want Vegas though ( even solo ). Luckily rooms a deal mid week and I have a good friend there.
:/
I think the main thing that confuses me is that he DOES seem to want to move forward. Like ..... I gave him the option to just leave at 6 weeks then again at 7.5 months ( the last issue of blending schedules to give me more than 15 nights a month ).
I'm trying to stay calm because I'm 80% sure in 2-3 days he will rethink this.
charlie61
01-03-2021, 07:10 PM
Carmen, I'm confused... is the issue that you want to move in with him in a couple of weeks instead of renting? Maybe I'm misunderstanding.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 07:24 PM
^^ Yeah. I live mostly in the AirBnBs I co-own .
There is a ton of openings.
I want to eliminate the room I rent ( and barely use ).
The room is a back up on the ( slim ) chance both properties have a guest.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 07:25 PM
( delete )
charlie61
01-03-2021, 07:30 PM
I gotta say, I'm with your guy on this one. I feel like he's already been moving way faster than most people would be comfortable moving. You two have been together less than a year, you're both financially independent, and he has a kid? If i were he, I'd think it'd be cray cray to be talking about moving in.
I'm 100% not saying that you're crazy or that your expectations are unreasonable, but a lot of people are not built for that kind of speed (especially when you're not super young, and you have a daughter, and you've been there, done that, made mistakes, and know how hasty decisions can bite you in the ass). I think he's probably legitimately feeling like he's already conceded way more than what he'd normally be comfortable with at this point in his life (it sounds like he's learned from his previous mistake of moving in too early). Just my two cents, truly.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 07:36 PM
^ Yeah. I see his side too logically.
While I don’t like waste it’s not that much $ we are talking about either.
One one hand I guess I should just count myself lucky to sometimes get the nice AirBnBs to myself sometimes. Just FYI these are NOT paying for themselves yet ( we cover the mortgage fine but not a lot of per month profit yet ). The month we paid off the first my siblings wanted to do another - hah ! So we did !!
We have the two but business is slow with COVID hence so much vacancy.
If the properties were not just sitting empty so much renting the room wouldn’t seem wasteful ( since I’d really need it ).
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 07:40 PM
On the other we are talking about increasing my days here a month from like 17 to 19 to save $500 ( which I told him I’d put in a jar for travel funds for us).
charlie61
01-03-2021, 07:42 PM
I think my current partner and i moved in after dating for 1 to 1.5 years. He initially brought it up very early... at like six months or something. I thought it was too soon, and he didn't bring it up very frequently after that. We ended up taking the dive after my lease was about to end, and my rent would be going up to $1300 for a 1br/1ba. I was sick of driving back and forth to see each other, and so was he, so we approached the topic mutually at that point. If he had really been pushing for that earlier on, i think that would've thrown up a lot of red flags for me, and it honestly may have sabotaged the whole thing. Just my experience.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 07:47 PM
Yeah it’s crystal clear what I want ( after our talk two days ago ) so no need to bring it up much for sure.
carmen_b
01-03-2021, 09:32 PM
It’s tough. Im having a strong body response to feeling disappointed ( I am referring to two days ago before he put a lot of effort in booking us these upcoming things ). My body just felt completely frozen all weekend.
I didn’t want him to touch me ect.
I’m feeling *better* but not 100%.
I assume he is angry over no sex this weekend and realize that can not be a sustainable pattern.
I did apologize . I do not need to save $500 a month SO badly that it is worth stressing us out. While I have A LOT of time in the AirBnB's I don’t have ALL the time I need in them ( I can pre-book 9 nights a month but need about 13 nights ). Even though that gap is very very close and I might not need any nights at that room it’s still good to have a back up. Hoping for vacancy is stressful anyway.
His idea that most of my stress is probably due to boredom ( he wanted extra COVID caution so we didn’t go out for about 8 weeks other than ski lodge 2 days ) is also spot on. He apologized for that peice / admitted its not sustainable.
carmen_b
01-04-2021, 01:37 PM
I realized my former stripper was showing too.
I came to this “ I gave you attention now make my life easier financially “ conclusion on my own.
We had no such agreement just a traditional relationship.
carmen_b
01-04-2021, 06:34 PM
Ok .... I deleted most of my novel and I'll get the rest out haha !
I think the main part that hurt me in conversation about what I should do with that room coming up to Feb. was that he didn't describe his house as my " main " house . When I asked him where it was he said that room ( I was there 5 days in Dec. )! I was so riled up that day too ( I realized later that I forgot to take the birth control pill the night prior )! My body felt SO off . So pro tip, don't forget a pill and then have an important conversation that next day.
My main home is his ( about 17 days out of 30 last two months ) , THEN the larger VRBO , and THEN the room I rent. I hated his description . I had been pissed since Friday about it and was carrying a lot of anger. I was just trying to get some clarity. I'll just let it go. I wanted a sense of place .
I will say though that I think men so often do that ( downscale things ) . It's a turn off and upsetting.
charlie61
01-04-2021, 07:35 PM
I would think that your reaction to his pushback on increased intimacy would be for you to want even less from him. The closer you get to relying on someone who wants less than you do, the less power you have in the relationship, and the more it will undermine your sense of self and independence. So i guess to me, it seems like you should be happier than ever that you have other living arrangement options, because he clearly does not want to move forward with that. I don't know. I guess I've just always been the type to react equally to my partners when it comes to this kind of stuff. If they pull back, i pull back, and reestablish my independence, since they've shown that they are moving in a different direction. The less they want from me when it comes to emotional intimacy, the lower my expectations and desires are when it comes to them, and if i don't have that base level of trust and partner-level reliability and expectations, then it just isn't going to happen for me emotionally.
lurkingtitties
01-05-2021, 05:44 AM
I’m feeling pretty good about my situation today. I saw Mr Ghana last night and he said he wanted to come to my house tonight to spend more time with me, without me bringing it up. He also wanted to hear all about what my mom thinks of him. I told him my feelings about him never talking about his daughter with me/making things weird. We came to the conclusion that it was a miscommunication.
I realized after I went home that my throat chakra is very blocked. It’s way easier for me to open up over text than to talk in person. I have all kinds of wise thoughts that I struggle to verbalize. I’ve known about it for a while but I guess it’s time for me to work on it now in order to have a more successful outcome.
He just got a big sectional so I decided to surprise him with a sexy couch dance. I found one of my old club outfits (a sexy bodysuit with snaps on the crotch) and wore it over there under my street clothes. He was very pleasantly surprised when it came out! He also really liked the left-cheek-right-cheek trick. }:D
carmen_b
01-05-2021, 12:26 PM
I've adjusted my attitude.
I have had the NICEST couple of days at the vrbo while he has had daughter .
I've just been here alone in the huge quiet house and it's so awesome.
Maybe I should be more worried about protecting THIS than spending more nights with him haha !
charlie61
01-05-2021, 01:42 PM
I've adjusted my attitude.
I have had the NICEST couple of days at the vrbo while he has had daughter .
I've just been here alone in the huge quiet house and it's so awesome.
Maybe I should be more worried about protecting THIS than spending more nights with him haha !
Yes, girl!!! Sometimes we get so focused on the original goal / overcoming a challenge that we lose sight of what WE actually want. And what we want usually changes over time, as we get more info and circumstances change. Adjust goals accordingly. Love this for you!
carmen_b
01-05-2021, 08:01 PM
I have the nice place so I'd like him to come to ME tomorrow if we link up. :)
One of the spots I stay is 22 min. from him and one is 29-30 min.
It really adds up and he needs to do it a few times to see what I do.
I really think if he does this commute a few times he will get some perspective.
Some things are going to be changing around here.
:)
miss.a.p1600
01-05-2021, 10:07 PM
L cooked n did dishes because I worked all day.
I think he might have gotten turned off after I got turned off when he said he was okay with his wife making more money than him and I said I wouldn’t be okay with that.
I was tired af after eating and just wanted to go home.
He didn’t beg me to stay over like he usually does. And he wasn’t as affectionate and kind of rushed me out.
What if he’s cheating?!?
carmen_b
01-05-2021, 11:42 PM
^ Wouldn’t you be sort of relieved if he was ?
charlie61
01-06-2021, 07:43 AM
^ Wouldn’t you be sort of relieved if he was ?
Agreed. Sounds like that'd be the easy out you've been looking for.
miss.a.p1600
01-06-2021, 09:39 AM
I’m just glad I spoke my truth instead of trying to hide what I really feel n think just to keep the peace.
The truth is I’m not okay with a man making me feel masculine n expecting me to be the breadwinner AND the childbearer AND and expect sex.
Yes I can hustle my ass off. But guess what - I might as well be single than have to do everything myself. Like what would I need a man for???
carmen_b
01-06-2021, 12:07 PM
^ I do feel that way too. I expect a man to out earn me ( even if it’s slight ).
I’m not a financial light weight either. :)
Cull the weak.
Haha
chanzep
01-06-2021, 12:19 PM
I have noticed a lot guys wanting a traditional wife plus someone who will work and pay for stuff!. What is the benefit to the woman!