View Full Version : 2019 DATING Adventures Thread (2018 continuation)
carmen_b
02-13-2021, 10:45 AM
Honestly .... maybe it's just TOO much you know ?
He has this nice home but won't provide THIS comfort for me full time ?
I know he must see how it makes me feel .
I have tried to sit down with myself and be like " what he is offering is good enough for now " but it feels not quite spot on all the time. I don't think I'm the only woman who would feel like this either ! I think a lot of other women would assume if you click well AND have the luck to click with the kid too that things would just progress forward.
I would say 40% of the time I'm good and 60% I'm feeling like it's time to scale things up.
At the same time I can do basically do everything all on my own.
I can stay in the desert and get a newer home than the one I currently own !
I didn't picture myself doing these things solo but I'm glad I have the resources to do them ( if needed ).
charlie61
02-13-2021, 12:06 PM
Honestly .... maybe it's just TOO much you know ?
He sits in this nice home but won't actually provide THIS comfort for me full time ?
I know he must see how it makes me feel .
I have tried to sit down with myself and be like " what he is offering is good enough for now " but it feels not quite spot on. I don't think I'm the only woman who would feel like this either ! I think a lot of other women would assume if you click AND have the luck to click with the kid too that things would progress forward.
At the same time I can do basically do everything all on my own.
I can stay in the desert and get a newer home than the one I currently own ect.!
I didn't picture myself doing these things solo but I'm glad I have the resources to do them.
Something really cool you've said that's stuck with me (even though you and i are really different) is that men wouldn't put up with 11+ months of limited / no sex, but women's emotional needs are treated as unimportant or secondary. I'm glad to hear that you're taking your emotional and intimate needs seriously! Your gut and heart are refusing to let you ignore your needs, and i think that's great. :)
carmen_b
02-13-2021, 12:13 PM
^ I always appreciate your take !
I don’t remember saying that ! It’s good advice !
I truly do believe women sometimes need that extra “oomph “ standing up for themselves !
Even forward / confident women .
I wish I felt totally secure too that he is giving me the truth about wanting to move forward.
charlie61
02-13-2021, 01:29 PM
^ I always appreciate your take !
I don’t remember saying that ! It’s good advice !
I truly do believe women need that extra “oomph “ standing up for themselves !
Even forward / confident women .
Yes, wise words from you! I know i give you ladies some tough love with my advice on here. But sometimes it's nice to hear opinionated perspectives, because your reaction to my take on things can help you sort out your real feelings, if that makes sense. Like sometimes i might say something that makes you go, Oh absolutely not, that's way off-base, which is a great gut reaction to help you see how you truly feel about things. Anyway, haha, glad you updated us!
lurkingtitties
02-13-2021, 02:03 PM
I’m starting to have second thoughts about my guy and I could use some outside perspective.
I was feeling really positive how things were going lately. Last week he took me out to dinner. Then invited me over during the super bowl so I could meet some of his friends. The friends ended up not showing but I did meet one of his cousins for like 10 mins. After the cousin left he told me that the cousin liked me because I introduced myself/was outgoing. He also talked later that night about wanting to plan something for my birthday which is coming up end of March.
Then the following day we had a super dumb argument over text. He sent me a video clip from Tomorrowland (big EDM festival in Belgium) and said that his friend told him he needs to go before he gets married. I asked him why it needs to be before he gets married/told him that when I used to go to burning man I met plenty of couples out there. Then I mentioned that the first time I went was with a bf. That’s where things got weird...he told me that I’d told him previously that when I went to BM some guy was hitting on me the whole week and I finally slept with him because he was so persistent. I never hooked up with anyone at a burn but when I told him that he didn’t believe me. He said some stuff about how he’d caught me in a lie. I was upset because obviously I don’t want him thinking that I’m lying about something so dumb/unimportant but he brushed it off saying that me trying to defend myself is suspicious. Then throughout the rest of the week was distant/hot and cold.
It stressed me out a lot throughout the week and I’m starting to question whether this is worth it. I can’t handle feeling like my bf isn’t sure about me, or looking at everything I do under a microscope to try and confirm his suspicions about me. Especially after the way he’d been acting the couple weeks prior...total 180 in behavior.
My mom still wants me to give him a shot. She said she thinks his behavior is likely due to being cheated on in the past. I can understand that, but until/unless he wants to acknowledge that he has trust issues, I can’t fix this on my own.
A day or two after this happened I tried to reach out and smooth things out over text. He said “this would be so much easier if I didn’t give a fuck about you”. He said something similar recently after I upset him by accidentally sending him a snarky meme that was meant for one of my girlfriends, when I was apologizing for that. My mom thinks it’s a good sign that he feels that way but it’s kinda making me feel worse...like he’s uncomfortable having feelings for me and is looking for an excuse to break things off.
I’m at least going to hold off on making any decisions until I talk to him in person.
charlie61
02-13-2021, 02:52 PM
^ Yeah, it REALLY seems like either someone he loved cheated on him (probably his last serious relationship) and / or he's getting scared because he can feel himself falling for you and is afraid you're the one. I tried so hard to give my current partner a giant shove when we started seeing each other, because i had just gotten out of an 11-year relationship, was feeling really down on myself, and felt like my current partner was WAY out of my league (i was used to dating safer options, so i was always a bit more in control). It was so scary being with someone who felt like an equal, and was challenging me to be my best self. I didn't think i could rise to the challenge, and i was scared that he'd get bored with me and discard me (he's a super engaging, attractive, intelligent, charismatic guy), so i did almost everything i could to try to dissuade him from being into me. I wasn't being shady, but i would confront him with the parts of myself that are more complicated, instead of trying to show the best parts of myself. And i would confront him about why he's interested in me, what his motives were, etc. I was definitely at a low point, so i couldn't understand why he was pursuing me. I thought he was a player, even though he was telling me he was looking for a serious LTR. He confessed that he was really scared being with me, too, because he could tell i was the real deal, not just a fling, and he thought I'd blow him off. It was really scary for both of us.
So, I'm not really giving you advice on either side of the coin. Sometimes people's issues can result in damaging interactions and are not worth trying to battle, as you could get hurt in the process. But sometimes a bit of work during those initial scary times can be worth it. You're the only one who knows what's best for you! :hug:
carmen_b
02-13-2021, 04:09 PM
Lurking : He has your story confused with someone else’s for sure.
The whole being hounded for sex and giving in at BM.
He just seemed to catch himself confused ( and obviously has dated or friends with another burner haha ).
He got that story somewhere just not you !
^ I think ( since it's his mistake obviously ) he will apologize and correct it probably.
I don't really like the *way* he mentioned feelings coming up. Like they are inconvenient or something haha. I like a more forward type of transparency but hey he did *reveal* some feelings so that is great if it is what you want.
lurkingtitties
02-13-2021, 04:39 PM
I don't really like the *way* he mentioned feelings coming up. Like they are inconvenient or something haha. I like a more forward type of transparency but hey he did *reveal* some feelings so that is great if it is what you want.
Yeah, agreed.
Charlie, I think you’re onto something with the idea that he’s acting like this because he feels afraid of meeting someone who is the real deal. Thanks for sharing your story.
I’ve sent him a couple texts today that he straight up hasn’t responded to. Nothing dramatic either-a picture of my feet after getting a pedi and a picture of a gift box a female friend sent me for Valentine’s Day. I def don’t like being ignored like that. I’m just gonna go no contact for a while I guess until he decides to reach back out. If he is in fact trying to push me away because he’s afraid of his feelings, it’s definitely working...
carmen_b
02-13-2021, 04:41 PM
^ Sometimes people can have a busy work day taking 10-12 hours of time from personal texting or just need a small break. I wouldn't worry ( yet ) unless it gets to be pretty late with no reply.
carmen_b
02-13-2021, 04:47 PM
If I can't take it and we part I wonder if I'll give up this desert life too.
In a few weeks the weather will get better up North. I could see myself going back in a way.
I guess I'll always be split in a sense between these two places !
charlie61
02-13-2021, 04:49 PM
Yeah, agreed.
Charlie, I think you’re onto something with the idea that he’s acting like this because he feels afraid of meeting someone who is the real deal. Thanks for sharing your story.
I’ve sent him a couple texts today that he straight up hasn’t responded to. Nothing dramatic either-a picture of my feet after getting a pedi and a picture of a gift box a female friend sent me for Valentine’s Day. I def don’t like being ignored like that. I’m just gonna go no contact for a while I guess until he decides to reach back out. If he is in fact trying to push me away because he’s afraid of his feelings, it’s definitely working...
Good for you. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If he's trying to chase you away, it'll just reinforce his negative worldview if you leave, but you also deserve better than to have to put up with that kind of stuff. His behavior is almost pre-emotionally-abusive-ish. Like you could be with him for years, and he still might be accusing you of cheating, lying, and all kinds of other nonsense.
carmen_b
02-13-2021, 04:50 PM
Lurking : I don't mean to make you nervous but read up too on some behavior in the Narcissist category *just in case* he does anything else in that " No I'm sure you said this " category. I really do think this one was a mistake but this reading could spare you headache and time if he ends up displaying anything else " off ".
^ This kind of behavior where an abuser will " turn " a situation to a point where you are always defending yourself is very common . I don't think he is in that category at all ( with just this one example ) but if he repeats stuff like this it is alarming.
The reason I'm always thrusting these reading materials into other women hands are just that I had NO experience with it so when subtle abuse started happening to me ( early 2019 before J ) I didn't know what I was looking at.
lurkingtitties
02-13-2021, 04:53 PM
Oh trust me I’ve spent plenty of time reading up on that kind of stuff! I don’t see any glaring narcissist/abusive red flags.
charlie61
02-15-2021, 09:58 PM
Carmen, did i miss an update? You mentioned a letter in a different thread. Are you ending your relationship?
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 08:48 AM
^ Yes I sent that letter as a courtesy and also as a quick check in if there is any other information that I should know as I'm making the decision to go North or not.
It just reiterated what I've been talking openly about with him for the last 2-3 weeks. I'm unhappy without a full level of partnership ( transitioning to living together ).
The bottom line is that I don't feel I'm being treated well anymore.
I would say I was treated well even back 3 months when I had to push to be included one night a week ( there with both him and daughter ).
At least it looked ( at that time ) like the transition I was looking for.
I just want to get my plans in motion.
He can cling to the statement that " his daughter isn't ready " .
Should she be flying a banner saying " Welcome Step Mother " from her balcony ?
I guess the great chemistry and vibe we have as a total grouping isn't enough for him.
Her sleep issues I think are 30% real and 70% a lack of boundaries. He doesn't tell her to stay in her room after a certain time so she doesn't ..... crazy how that works.
I offered to stay 8 days in March at my AirBnB's and I could do this ongoing for months too but those dates do go first to buyers ( if unsold within 2 weeks I can book nights for myself ) .
My dude should not have fear striking him that I might be there 22 days instead of 18 days a months lol.
I think you can only do this for so long you know. How long could I be happy with 4-5 days a week as a strict cap and just not having a solid HOME ?
I actually waited about 4 weeks longer that *I* was comfy too. I wanted to create a home but I stayed in the room I rented / room mate situation past mid Jan. because I thought we would do this together. I also offered to give him the $500 a month I pay in rent to help contribute to costs ( I wasn't asking to stay for free ).
I think I've done everything I can. I can get up North and get resettled. My family has my back doing what HE SHOULD HAVE done already.
They have a little apartment in a city I like and offered me a deal on it. My own home will free up in May after my renters finish out their lease.
In mid-May my forest property ( cabin in the woods ) gets warm enough to spend time there also.
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 09:13 AM
^ I think a lot of my current issues are related to this.
I feel depressed .
My skin picking issues I am really having to watch lately.
I'm 99% sure I'll be doing better when I'm not in this horrible trap of " lets wait to see if this guy thinks I'm good enough to offer me something substantial " .
My intention is to offer him friendship only for the next 11-12 days. Then I begin packing !
lurkingtitties
02-16-2021, 11:49 AM
How did he respond to the letter and etc?
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 12:05 PM
He recognized “ we need to talk soon “.
He has his daughter today so we could talk today but I assume it’s more likely that we will tomorrow ( as friends only ).
We had a nice dinner last night ( all of us ) at his house.
I guess I emailed the letter right as he invited me for that haha.
charlie61
02-16-2021, 12:29 PM
Sounds like you are getting your power back!! Happy for you. This isn't sustainable!
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 12:50 PM
^ Yep ! Time for forward motion !!
charlie61
02-16-2021, 04:14 PM
I can't wait to hear updates, since i feel like you've sensed from the beginning with this guy that he wasn't ready to let you into his life / heart fully, and you've been having to make space for yourself the entire time. Like, you'd probably still be seeing each other two nights a week, or whatever, if you hadn't made it so clear that that was unacceptable. You're this unstoppable force when your value as a partner isn't tied down to someone who is not on the same page!
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 04:42 PM
^ I’ve grown progressively more angry.
I don’t know if Ill really be able to have a civil conversation.
We will see...
I do want to tell him to his face how it feels to be mistreated but I’m not sure that really gets through to men. We have talked pretty openly . That letter I think made things a little more clear since it said outright something like “ since I’m not fully included or offered a full partnership I would suggest we separate “.
( the gist )
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 04:50 PM
Yes I knew it was a risk dating someone divorced only 6 months but I took it.
He did treat me very well in beginning . He was fine seeing me 3 times a week or so after a few weeks . He balked in the bf label at 6 weeks then changed his mind hours later. Really he was a good boyfriend until he wasn’t “ incorporating “ me more . That is where I was upset in late Oct. / November.
I was patient and did what I could.
charlie61
02-16-2021, 04:58 PM
Yes I knew it was a risk dating someone divorced only 6 months but I took it.
I was patient and did what I could.
No judgment here. I think it was a good quarantine relationship, right? And helped you clarify some things that are kind of dealbreakers for you. Sometimes you just have to see something through to the end, even if you've known from early on that it wasn't quite right.
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 04:58 PM
Damn I’m realizing my family is arriving very soon. I want to enjoy time with them here. I might go North in 6-7 days when they do ! At least I’ll have multiple cars for bins / plant collection.
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 05:01 PM
^ But ... I never felt it wasn’t “ right “.
I felt like I was dealing with a good person who needed a little more patience than the norm.
Regardless .... I am just not happy.
I think 95% of women would feel the same.
I know how I was living March - Oct ( in those vacant properties ) was a little unconventional. I tried to do decent PR for myself by explaining my main home was up north ect. soon after we met.
I even explained details of my normal income 4-6 weeks ago just to make sure to reiterate that “ covid business owner me “ is just temporary. Truly , all stones have been turned haha.
carmen_b
02-16-2021, 05:16 PM
He is used to a partner screaming in his face ect. so I think maybe when I tried to bring up things calmly 2-3 weeks ago it didn’t fully “ click “.
Um... now I understand these horror stories of former partner screaming lol.
I assume he may remain unclear until I go over with family to start packing things.
chanzep
02-16-2021, 09:52 PM
Your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy who likes you. It's probably just bad timing. He's not long divorced and has a child so I understand him not rushing and being careful.he's probably finding himself again. A bad marriage can do a lot of damage trust me I know. It does seem like he cares about you but is not ready to live with someone. Plus he's getting used to having daughter alone outside of marriage.
I understand you have your needs to be happy too. You have to do what makes you happy. From what you write here it seems like you two get along.
I do think you wanting to move in and be a step mom at this stage is alot. It's like a marriage set up. He probably loves you but not ready yet.
charlie61
02-16-2021, 11:22 PM
^Great insights, and agreed that timing can be everything. They're at two very different places in their lives.
lurkingtitties
02-17-2021, 06:04 AM
I think me and my guy worked through some stuff last night. Interestingly, he’s a very sarcastic/snarky person and when I got frustrated and started being snarky back the conversation was suddenly much more productive vs trying to use “when you do X I feel Y” type statements.
I tried to sit next to him on the couch after we were done arguing to cuddle/makeout for a couple mins before going home... he warned me not to or he was going to get turned on and have his way with me. That’s pretty much what ended up happening next. After the first round he told me he had been planning to refuse if I tried to put the moves on him and I agreed...that worked great for both of us.
He’s been bugging me about wanting to try the booty hole for a little while now. I haven’t let someone do that in 10 years but I decided to let him try...when it was too painful for me to get past the tip I told him we could try another time with lube, toys etc to get me prepared for it. He got all shy and said he didn’t want to anymore! Then a little later mentioned anal beads. But again when I told him I’d try them he changed his mind haha. I mentioned jeweled butt plugs too which scandalized him/cracked me up. He told me he’s never done anal before/has cut off other girls in the past for wanting it. I don’t like it myself but for some reason I feel more comfortable with him sexually than anyone I’ve been with before. I’ve also told him before that I’d be down for a threesome with another woman in the future.
It was actually helpful that that stuff came up because he asked why I hadn’t let anyone try it in so long. I opened up about some stuff that happened with an ex (he pushed an open relationship on me 3 years into our relationship and revealed that he had a secret Fetlife profile that said we were swingers/was into violent degrading porn/pressured me to start picking up other girls for 3some, said that me dancing justified him having sex with other women). He said it helped him understand some stuff from my past that was causing him to not trust me. (I foolishly mentioned recently that I went through a phase of dating multiple guys/emotionally unavailable/working extra shifts at the club to avoid spending time with potential bfs...at the time I was emotionally scarred from the previous relationship and didn’t want to get close to anyone.)
^^included that last part because I know this post probably makes me look like a sex crazed teen who thrives on drama...it was a productive meetup I swear! Haha probably should’ve put all that in the fuckfest thread.
We’re going to have a VDay do over tomorrow night and make steak and scallops.
carmen_b
02-17-2021, 09:56 AM
^ Those were so really emotionally vulnerable moments so I see how it got so hot soon after. :)
carmen_b
02-17-2021, 10:43 AM
We will have a conversation tonight.
I want to make sure there is no more info that neither one is aware of .
This might be a little bit sad tonight.
It'll probably be the first night I will not stay over.
My rough plan is to let things settle a bit and then begin packing things up on Friday ( the things I have in his home can fit in two large 3 foot by 2 foot tupperware type bins ).
I just want things really organized .
My plant collection ..... I'm so confused what to do with it.
Maybe I can send a few of them back with each family member for babysitting.
I remember being extremely upset over selling my collection back in fall 2018 on my other separation. :/
I might even let him just keep many of them for a bit so he can slowly explain what is happening to daughter ( if they are all gone it will be really drastic and obvious that I left ).
I refuse to let this derail my progress too.
I'm 16 3 hour classes away from real estate license. I'm doing that three hours a day even IF relationship is falling apart . I do not want to be non-functional. My business is still slow ( I can survive on 3-4 hours given to it a day 5-6 days a week ). Between the two it's still pretty full days. I'm keeping a cup of ice on me all the time to try and if I feel the urge to pick at my skin . My upper back is the most a mess right now . I'll run the ice over it . I also need to chop of my nails .
charlie61
02-17-2021, 11:30 AM
^ You sound strong and resolute! Good for you. Sending you luck and good energy for tonight.
charlie61
02-17-2021, 11:33 AM
Maybe put something like a balm on areas you want to pick (if you're just staying at home), so that any time you touch that area, you get stuff on your hands. Balms also make it harder to feel ridges and pickable edges. Something like vaseline, a skin salve, a thick lip moisturizer, or even something medical like one of those antiseptic salves for wound care.
carmen_b
02-17-2021, 08:27 PM
Well .., still talking but went ok.
I knew there was info I didn’t know.
The ex is co-sleeping with daughter AGAIN basically derailing everyone’s work that was done in Oct to fix the behavior. So where we are working so hard for sleeping with door closed ... it’s all getting undone every visit.
carmen_b
02-17-2021, 08:29 PM
He was sweet too ( revealing strong feelings are there ).
We are confused how to navigate this .
We ended just now on a joke to just build me a tiny house in backyard .
I get mad this isnt my main home. We can fix it with a tiny haha.
Being transparent about options up north made him a little more serious about brainstorming.
lurkingtitties
02-18-2021, 06:31 AM
I remember you saying not long ago that you knew if you threatened to leave he would get his act together and move you in, but you didn’t want to get what you wanted by playing games...now it’s happening just like you said it would, except that you’re serious about leaving!
Btw what kind of plants? I had a big collection too the past couple years but gave them to a friend when I moved out west last May. I got a couple cuttings from her last fall and also a seed pod that I’m going to try germinating once it warms up where I am (so like in May or even June, ha)
carmen_b
02-18-2021, 09:32 AM
^ Yes, though the conversation didn't end as a " ok this is 100% the break up plan " I want to have a strong resolve.
I want to leave if a more reasonable timeline does not come together.
I hope he is crystal clear on this because I said " I will leave if a more reasonable timeline isn't worked out " .
The thing I am wondering about is ........ how do I manage time together NOW ?
Do I fully pull back and never really stay there ? I ask because I wonder if that is the only thing that will make it " clear " ?
I liked my session with my therapist today because I really feel like I'm out of the high conflict phase ( where I am just waiting around ).
My intention is to leave if he isn't more reasonable and everyone ( including therapist ) supports it .
lurkingtitties
02-18-2021, 10:14 AM
I think it makes sense to pull back until/unless he comes through with a reasonable plan of action...that’s what you were planning to do before he had this supposed change of heart. Shows him you’re serious and protects you from potentially letting your guard down only to be disappointed again.
carmen_b
02-18-2021, 10:29 AM
^ Yes, me too. Our usual pattern ( me staying here 5 days a week but being banned for two ) IS the problem for me!
I felt like our convo was great and productive but then he suggested a house buying plan down here and I shut it down immediately.
I hope he ( later ) realizes how insulting the suggestion is. I DO want another investment property somewhat soon ( either a " roll over " of selling up north and buying nicer or just buying another one in the mid tier price point and owning two ).
At various times I get more serious about looking.
To get one RIGHT NOW without a careful looking process for an intention of just spending 2 days a week there is fucked up and unreasonable which is what I told him immediately.
carmen_b
02-18-2021, 02:58 PM
^ He probably didn’t mean that to be awful. I mean it IS an option but it seemed like a weird thing to say.
charlie61
02-18-2021, 04:48 PM
^ Yes, though the conversation didn't end as a " ok this is 100% the break up plan " I want to have a strong resolve.
I want to leave if a more reasonable timeline does not come together.
I hope he is crystal clear on this because I said " I will leave if a more reasonable timeline isn't worked out " .
The thing I am wondering about is ........ how do I manage time together NOW ?
Do I fully pull back and never really stay there ? I ask because I wonder if that is the only thing that will make it " clear " ?
I liked my session with my therapist today because I really feel like I'm out of the high conflict phase ( where I am just waiting around ).
My intention is to leave if he isn't more reasonable and everyone ( including therapist ) supports it .
I guess i don't even understand what a reasonable timeline / plan would be. If he's not ready now, it's not like he knows how much time he'll need, as there's no concrete reason for the fact that he isn't ready now. And like you've said before, even if you get the move-in, it'll only be because you threatened to leave. Idk girl...
carmen_b
02-18-2021, 05:50 PM
^ As we talk he *seems* so genuine but I do wonder if a bit of a stalling tactic . If it is he is SUPER smooth .
My therapist mentioned he could be using daughter as an excuse and well now damn ..... yeah ...... I can see that as a possibility for sure.
^ Of course I outright asked too.
I don't really think I care about the outcome anymore and THAT'S the sad thing. ;/
That is exactly the outcome I worked hard to avoid ( doing so much internal work / relationship work ).
I have done the BEST effort I can to figure out how to move forward and " no concrete reason " seems wonderfully accurate.
I remember I had a friend who worked in pediatrics and I'm thinking " ok who is the best kids sleep doctor in the damn state? We NEED this person on our team ! " .
I'm scrambling and using my network to find contacts and then find out about the damn co-sleeping again.
We don't need an expensive doctor just normal behavior ugh.
I do love him too ( damn it ) but I still will not stay in an unhealthy thing.
It seemed out of place to exit dramatically when it seemed like we were getting somewhere last night .
I did keep the wonderful things you guys told me in mind when talking to him ( like watching out for my own emotional needs / making sure they are prioritized ) !
I did what I could for now . I can't spend all my time on this . :(
The only real thing I can think to even do at this point is to make sure he get into individual counseling.
I hope he will take my suggestion and do this for himself because he seems to have extreme guilt issues holding him back.
^ I'm far from an expert on how to move forward there. I tend to just DO the shocking guilt thing lol ( howdy to you many years of dancing ) and move on hahaha.
chanzep
02-18-2021, 11:55 PM
Can you really not be with him if he won't live with you?
You spend 5 days a week with him. Is the two days really a big issue?
Even if he is using his child as a excuse he's making it clear he needs those days. I mean he just got divorced. I don't blame him. I think important for him to have time with his child too. I think it's a shame to lose a good guy over this.
miss.a.p1600
02-19-2021, 06:24 AM
Agree with chanzep - not everyone is going to feel comfortable living together so soon especially if they have kids it may take a bit more time to adjust n make sure it’s the correct decision.
And if I can be honest with you, times when you seem financially stressed appear to put more expectations/pressure into the equation thus forcing you into giving shorter time frames vs working at a natural pace.
he sensed the stress n pullback from you he probably became more guarded with the time + kid as a result.
Ex. “Why try giving her more time with all of us (kid included), when she has one foot out the door anyways”
You mentioned you became close to his kid.
By refusing to allow more time all y’all together (until he could figure out if y’all would last), He was probably trying to shield his daughter, who became attached to you, from your inevitable departure
But you gotta do what makes ya happy and if leaving does that then it is what it is.
miss.a.p1600
02-19-2021, 06:45 AM
Simply living together with someone who can walk out anytime can create lack of stability for a young child especially.
Was your dude a traditional type guy? The type who prefers to marry first or was he okay with cohabitation leading to marriage or cohabitation only?
if he was a traditional values type guy he probably would have preferred to see if y’all were compatible for marriage before moving you in full time so that you, he and his daughter can have stability.
carmen_b
02-19-2021, 08:07 AM
^ I will think about it. I didn’t leave.
We know we are struggling with this.
We spend 4-5 days a week.
It just seems like time for ideas about a next step.
Yes, he is traditional ( former Mormon but now an outspoken atheist ).
It makes me mad when he does conservative stuff.
We have had a million conversations about this cult wasting our time!
The chemistry is great .
If I got the role v.s. a perpetual audition I’d do a fantastic job.
I might try to keep an open mind about being somewhere else those two days a week for a bit.
^ It’s tricky because it just doesn’t “ feel “ quite right to me exactly as is ( which is why I wanted a transition type of plan even if 4-6 weeks out ).
I am trying to be fair. He is very supportive and good to me.
I had issues with not doing deeper relationship work together and he’s doing that now too which is nice.
In late March it’s been a year together.
carmen_b
02-19-2021, 08:59 PM
^ I hope he is being honest about “not being ready yet“ v.s. “not ever ready“.
I do feel *risk* in terms of time wasting but then again we spend a lot of time now ( which probably wouldn’t happen if he wasn’t serious ) .
I see your points above defending his more slow roll.
charlie61
02-19-2021, 09:40 PM
^I honestly don't have any good advice. Sometimes the pain of growth is worth it, healthy, and changes you positively in the long run, but sometimes pain / discomfort is actually indicative of something being wrong. And it's often so hard to tell the difference.
lurkingtitties
02-22-2021, 04:10 PM
Welp things are over between me and Mr Ghana. I thought I would be devastated but actually I feel relieved. It was way too much drama. I didn’t realize until now how badly it was stressing me out!
We had a nice date Thursday, made steak and scallops together. Then Saturday night I went over to his house late. Sunday we hung around being lazy in the morning before he had to go to work. He was even talking about future business ideas/us working together. Everything was totally normal!
Then Sunday night he sends a passive aggressive text about how I’d done the same thing he doesn’t like where I fall off of a text conversation. I tried to address it but he continued being passive aggressive and eventually just stopped answering my texts. (I admit I was kinda snarky back to him...but I also asked if he wanted me to send a good morning text! Trying to be helpful)
Today I tried texting him in the morning to address the issue but he never responded. After a couple hours I started getting extremely pissed off. Told him ghosting wasn’t cool. I even tried texting him on WhatsApp because I thought he might’ve blocked my number. He finally responded around 2 with a spiel about how he doesn’t have to talk to me unless he feels like it. Then told me to come get the fancy citrine crystal I gave him. I told him how fucked up his behavior was and he blocked me.
The argument escalated to where he said he was going to throw the crystal away, then finally said he would leave it on the porch, right before blocking me. He lives in a ghetto-ish neighborhood and I’m pissed that he would do that instead of driving 8 minutes up the road to leave it at my house so it doesn’t get stolen. He wouldn’t even have to come up to the house, there is a mailbox at the bottom of the driveway. I’m also SUPER uncomfortable going to his house to get it when I k ow he has his daughter this week.
I saw a lot of potential in him but I don’t need or deserve this treatment.