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SnuffleUffleGrass
05-12-2019, 06:48 AM
missap1600-- you are very wise. I shared your post with my sister, who knows my situation and bf very well, and she agreed with all you said.

I told him I need some space and I am staying with my parents right now. Idk for how long.

Ask your relatives to intercept his phone calls if he tries reaching you. I had to do this when exiting an incredibly toxic affair with a guy. Don't buckle in a moment of weakness and become a doormat.

Winged Dinghy
05-12-2019, 07:20 AM
He messaged me saying he missed me and asking when I would be back. He fucked the other woman last night, and she says she wants to meet me. I guess that's the thing to do in polyamory circles.

I don't want to be someone's "primary." I want to be someone's girlfriend.

I did say I missed him too and I would be back tomorrow (i know...doormat). I made an appointment to see my therapist on Thursday.

carmen_b
05-12-2019, 08:48 AM
Why did you leave instead of him ?

Are you sure that's the right thing ? To leave the comfort of your own place instead of asking him to ? You must have had a reason, I'm just curious.

Winged Dinghy
05-12-2019, 09:08 AM
It's easier for me to be the one who leaves than the one who stays. I don't like being in the home alone, seeing all his things.

Also, my mom said I could stay with her and my dad. It seemed like a good idea, especially because today is Mother's Day and it is nice to spend time with her. Finally, my bf's sister is flying in today for a visit, and if I kicked him out, she would have no place to stay.

SnuffleUffleGrass
05-12-2019, 10:48 AM
I did say I missed him too and I would be back tomorrow (i know...doormat). I made an appointment to see my therapist on Thursday.

No judgement here. I let myself get stepped on by a ..type like yours. Thankfully I didn't let the pattern repeat later in life. Learn your lesson and move on with your life.

charlie61
05-12-2019, 07:10 PM
About a year and a half ago, my boyfriend of 6 years gave me an ultimatum: open our relationship or break up. We were having sexual issues, because I have two autoimmune diseases that make sex painful and difficult at times. Also, my sex drive is naturally lower than his. Also, his prior relationship was non-monogamous, and that is his preferred model. He is 32 and I am 39, and we live together. Other than the sex issues, our relationship is great.

I agreed to try opening up because I didn't want to lose him. However, I prefer monogamy, and I am a pretty jealous person.

Since opening our relationship, I have hooked up twice with women. I also returned to stripping--while I don't see stripping and dating as analogous at all, my boyfriend does.

Last night, he slept with someone he met on Bumble and OkCupid. Even though we have been open for a while, this was his first time hooking up. I am having a really hard time with it. It feels like I'm being stabbed in the heart, and I'm crying all the time.

I wish we could have started with threesomes, or swinger clubs, or double dates with other polyamorous couples...something where I was included. I asked for that, but he said no, and instead, he went on a date with a single woman--a 37-year-old pediatrician who lives two blocks away from me. I feel very threatened by that--much more threatened than I would by a person in a polyamorous relationship. He did tell her that he has a girlfriend, and she said she didn't care.

Anyway, I read that the first 6 months of an open relationship are the hardest. I am just wondering, for those of you who are in open relationships because of a partner's preference, when did it get easier for you? I am not sure if the pain I am feeling is just because I haven't learned to handle my jealousy, or because my boyfriend and I have a fundamental disconnect in terms of what we want from relationships and how we approach them.

Please send advice, resources, good vibes, thots & prayers!

Girl, I'm so sorry i didn't see this thread earlier. Omg... this is some seriously tough stuff. Just wanted to send you some love and good energy for now. :hug:

I feel like there's a HUGE difference between opening a relationship up for fun / excitement and opening up a relationship due to some sort of perceived deficiency. The former comes from a positive place, the second seems like a recipe for disaster (the implication is that he can fulfill all of your needs, but you can't fullfull all of his needs). I don't think i could or would want to endure the pain involved in your situation. I'd rather give him up completely than feel like I'm inadequate and am not enough for somebody. That's just my initial gut reaction. Ugh. It hurts even imagining it.

Elle:)
05-12-2019, 07:11 PM
Who cares if his sister has nowhere to stay? When he is out of your life you aren't likely to ever talk to his family ever again.

charlie61
05-12-2019, 07:29 PM
He is very important to me. Our relationship is great except for the sexual differences. I am afraid to lose him, not only because he's a great partner, but also because I'm middle-aged, a sex worker, and have health problems. I think it would be hard to find someone as good as he is. Also, the shared history can't be discounted.

I know I can't change another person. I am not trying to change him. What I am hoping is that my feelings around open relationships will change so that we can still be together. I'd like to be the compersion-y open relationship chick who sees her man off with a kiss and then has fun, hot lesbian sex. I don't know whether that is possible for me--only time will tell. And right now, I'm very far from that point, and this open relationship is just as painful as my worst breakup. In some ways it's worse, because I don't know if this is the beginning of a long, slow breakup, or if it's a necessary period of emotional growth.

And I know nobody else knows that either. I do appreciate everyone hearing me out and weighing in.

Yeah, you're the only one who might be able to tell if this is the pain of growth or the pain of something harming you.

Honestly, 100% based on what you've posted, it sounds to me like the latter. You aren't choosing to open up the relationship from a position of power. You're coming from a place of fear, insecurity, and self-doubt + self-judgment. You're worried that you're difficult to love, that he'll leave you if you don't open the relationship up in the exact way he wants it to be opened, and you're upset with yourself for not being one of those "cool girls" who can deal with this level of complication. Those underlying feelings are so toxic. Even completely healthy relationships can be undone by opening up to multiple partners. And your mentality is clearly not healthy...i don't feel like your SO's mentality is healthy, either (he perceives you as unable to meet his needs). It all just sounds like the beginning of a downward spiral where fights are inevitable, as well as extensive pain and trauma (each time he hooks up with someone, you'll feel more and more pain, resentment, and insecurity rise up).

I tried to make this post a bit extreme in the hopes that it might act as a kind of litmus test for you. Hopefully you'll have a gut reaction to something in this that'll help you realize that I'm either wrong or partially right. ♡

lurkingtitties
05-13-2019, 05:54 AM
Thinking of you today. Wishing you strength and courage.

Winged Dinghy
05-13-2019, 12:53 PM
charlie61, thanks so much for weighing in. Your post resonates with me because I think you have picked up on some of my underlying emotional issues. Based on what you and some others have identified, I am seeing my therapist a week from today. I haven't seen her in 2 years, but she is great--SWer friendly and not opposed to healthy non-monogamous relationships. Emphasis on the HEALTHY. She has really helped me in the past and I'm looking forward to seeing her.


Elle--true, but I do like his sister and enjoy having her here.

carmen_b
05-13-2019, 01:38 PM
Did you create the home together or did he move in to your place ?

I just ask because the option I went with last Aug. was " you have 10 days to get all your things out " .
My reasoning was that I did the work of finding the place and my partner was no longer loyal to me ( rent controlled apartments you need to submit and get selected for ). I wanted the ease and comfort of not having to move. I'm not saying that this is right , but just encouraging you to think about the place and if it *was* yours maybe he should go on your next “ space “ break if you have one. I'm just encouraging you to not just think of ease for him. At least think in the middle.

charlie61
05-13-2019, 02:32 PM
charlie61, thanks so much for weighing in. Your post resonates with me because I think you have picked up on some of my underlying emotional issues. Based on what you and some others have identified, I am seeing my therapist a week from today. I haven't seen her in 2 years, but she is great--SWer friendly and not opposed to healthy non-monogamous relationships. Emphasis on the HEALTHY. She has really helped me in the past and I'm looking forward to seeing her.


Elle--true, but I do like his sister and enjoy having her here.

I'm glad it was helpful. It seems like your interest in non-monogamy comes from a place of wanting to experience new things *with* your partner (threesomes, swinger parties), whereas his interest stems from feeling that you're not giving him what he needs / you aren't enough for him (he wants a regular side piece, not to experience additional partners *with* you).

I also want to mention that i have so much empathy for where you're coming from with feeling like it'd be tough for you to find a new partner at this point in your life. When i got divorced, i felt like I'd never find love ever again... you just get so focused on all of your own complications that you forget that *everyone* has complications (whether it's age, health, etc.)...I felt so unlovable, even though i was immediately attracting paramours (like you! You've had a couple of female lovers recently who were clearly attracted to you!). When my current significant other started pursuing me, my self-esteem and my confidence in my ability to find a new love were so low that i would confront him about why he was even interested in me. Like, I'd literally ask him if he was interested in me because he was afraid of being alone, or if he was just looking for a hookup, etc. I just felt so low when i thought about Starting Over with someone new. Like looking at an impassable mountain. I almost shoved him away completely due to my own issues...i wasn't even able to see a new, fresh opportunity clearly because i was so focused on how fucked up i felt after leaving my 11-year relationship. Man...i could go on and on. It's just crazy how your brain can trick you into believing things about yourself that aren't even true. The way you perceive yourself and the way your current SO perceives you are NOT how new people will perceive you. Be open to what the future might bring you. I'm currently dating someone (going on two years) who couldn't be more different from my last partner. In my previous relationship, i felt so much pain on a daily basis (he was an addict with mental-health issues) and spent most of my time focused on helping him navigate that (instead of being focused on my own mental and physical health). Now, I'm with someone who only makes me laugh, inspires me to be my best self, and is truly a partner to me in every way. I would have laughed you out of the room if you'd told me a couple of years ago that this is where I'd be.

Just telling you my story to give you a bit of hope for your future. ♡

Winged Dinghy
05-13-2019, 04:46 PM
I'm glad it was helpful. It seems like your interest in non-monogamy comes from a place of wanting to experience new things *with* your partner (threesomes, swinger parties), whereas his interest stems from feeling that you're not giving him what he needs / you aren't enough for him (he wants a regular side piece, not to experience additional partners *with* you).



You are 100% right about that. And your story has a lot of parallels with my own. I do find the idea of starting over at this point insurmountably hard and painful. It is great to hear from someone who's been through that and emerged victorious on the other side! I can relate to almost everything you said, and you do give me a lot of hope.

CarmenB--I own the home, and we moved into it together (I was in the process of having it built when we started dating. I have never lived in this home by myself.) But financially and legally, nothing is stopping me from kicking him to the curb if need be.

laurielegs
05-13-2019, 07:43 PM
Oh wow. You left your home and he is there with other women?
Is he at least helping with expenses in the meantime? He should be paying the equivalent of what the place would rent for and all the utilities since he has the place to himself now.

Selina M
05-13-2019, 08:23 PM
I am so late to this thread but I agree with everyone else. He is reaping all the benefits here and it sounds like you opened the relationship out of fear/insecurity.

There are likely thousands of other men in the proverbial sea who are compatible with you and that DON'T want an open relationship. This dude is not your one and only, to be clung to at all costs. Don't let him steamroll you into a situation you don't really like just because you're afraid to lose him.

(Kick his ass out of YOUR house too, he's treating you badly enough IMO without getting to live there with another frickin' woman!)

Winged Dinghy
05-14-2019, 06:20 AM
Just to clarify--I stayed with my parents for two days. I'm not (and would not consider) moving out of the house I own and letting him live there with another woman.

cyberstripper
05-16-2019, 09:12 PM
Exactly.

Op Girl you better kick him to the curb before he makes the decision for you then you really gone be feeling down.

The red flags are there
1. No negotiation on open relationship
2. Brags about fucking a broad in your neighborhood
3. Using your job against you as an excuse to fuck other broads
4. Claims you “forced” him into monogamy
5. Your intuition is nudging you but you’ve been ignoring

I’d argue there is nothing nice about this dude nor his ability to maintain a relationship with you. He is looking for every excuse to behaving like a single bachelor and he knows you won’t object because he thinks you need the relationship with him.

He knows you have hang ups about age and health and he’s using that to his advantage to act like an extreme player cause he doesn’t think you have the confidence to leave - even when/if he disrespects you.

You are dealing with a “man” who is intentionally creating insecurity within you in order to make himself feel above you.

Rather than just be honest and say “I need a break” or “this isn’t for me right now” he’d rather play manipulative mind games so he can continue to get his needs met.

But let me just say your emotional health and self confidence/self-esteem is just and important - don’t let this “man” destroy these essential parts of your being, rob you of the youth and health you still have left

This is spot the fuck on. exactly what I got out of my stint in the novel I wrote about my experience. I just could not articulate it like this...but the similarities are interesting in my and the op's situation.

My and the OP's similarity of our partners not discussing and adhering to boundaries and attempt to do things only on their terms was what ultimately lead to my cutting the cord. In the op's case she is much more invested and they have history, so leaving is much easier said than done. I'm dull catching up but it seems you have McAfee the right choices for you OP.

cyberstripper
05-16-2019, 09:19 PM
charlie61, thanks so much for weighing in. Your post resonates with me because I think you have picked up on some of my underlying emotional issues. Based on what you and some others have identified, I am seeing my therapist a week from today. I haven't seen her in 2 years, but she is great--SWer friendly and not opposed to healthy non-monogamous relationships. Emphasis on the HEALTHY. She has really helped me in the past and I'm looking forward to seeing her.


Elle--true, but I do like his sister and enjoy having her here.

Your right and I understand. But, your bf is also picking up on you're emotional issues and using this and several other things against you and to manipulate you to his benefit. This does not make you weak or less than, you recognise it and your intuition is telling you one thing, brain another, heart another. It is confusing and in this state you should avoid making lifrstyle altering decisions. He knows you are doing this out of fear of losing him, and your state of mind is in turmiol, or he would not give you an ultimatum to "get you to move forward with this" For this reason, I would not go forward with this.

cyberstripper
05-16-2019, 09:26 PM
I'm glad it was helpful. It seems like your interest in non-monogamy comes from a place of wanting to experience new things *with* your partner (threesomes, swinger parties), whereas his interest stems from feeling that you're not giving him what he needs / you aren't enough for him (he wants a regular side piece, not to experience additional partners *with* you).

I also want to mention that i have so much empathy for where you're coming from with feeling like it'd be tough for you to find a new partner at this point in your life. When i got divorced, i felt like I'd never find love ever again... you just get so focused on all of your own complications that you forget that *everyone* has complications (whether it's age, health, etc.)...I felt so unlovable, even though i was immediately attracting paramours (like you! You've had a couple of female lovers recently who were clearly attracted to you!). When my current significant other started pursuing me, my self-esteem and my confidence in my ability to find a new love were so low that i would confront him about why he was even interested in me. Like, I'd literally ask him if he was interested in me because he was afraid of being alone, or if he was just looking for a hookup, etc. I just felt so low when i thought about Starting Over with someone new. Like looking at an impassable mountain. I almost shoved him away completely due to my own issues...i wasn't even able to see a new, fresh opportunity clearly because i was so focused on how fucked up i felt after leaving my 11-year relationship. Man...i could go on and on. It's just crazy how your brain can trick you into believing things about yourself that aren't even true. The way you perceive yourself and the way your current SO perceives you are NOT how new people will perceive you. Be open to what the future might bring you. I'm currently dating someone (going on two years) who couldn't be more different from my last partner. In my previous relationship, i felt so much pain on a daily basis (he was an addict with mental-health issues) and spent most of my time focused on helping him navigate that (instead of being focused on my own mental and physical health). Now, I'm with someone who only makes me laugh, inspires me to be my best self, and is truly a partner to me in every way. I would have laughed you out of the room if you'd told me a couple of years ago that this is where I'd be.

Just telling you my story to give you a bit of hope for your future. ♡

Ty for this. I felt the exact same way after leaving a ltr of 13 years. I got involved with the wrong man after that but thankfully had nothing serious with him. Still was a difficult experience and time.

I'm with a great guy now and all the mind tricks you experienced, I am now experiencing. I realized it is all in my own head, and if I allow these thoughts to wreak havoc it will wreak havoc in this beautiful relationship that has developed. Ty so much for your insight n sorry for the thread Jack op. I was honestly do baffled/even ashamed of my experience with an open thing that I didn't even work up the courage to post about it. This post has helped me put things to rest in a way and stop with the what iff'ing. And hearing about others experiences made me feel less alone.

Winged Dinghy
05-20-2019, 01:15 PM
Update: I saw my therapist today. She stated that very few poly couples would tolerate an open relationship like ours--specifically, one with no parameters. She suggested creating parameters in three areas: communication, date frequency, and date activity. She said these parameters are qualitative ways to disinguish our "primary" relationship from the new ones he is forming.

These are the parameters we came up with:

1. COMMUNICATION
This starts with him honestly communicating his situation and desires on his dating profile. She suggested that he mention that he is in an open relationship on his Bumble and Tinder profiles so the women know upfront that he's not available for monogamous dating. On the first date, he should disclose that I live with him, and by the third or fourth date, he should tell the other woman that I want to meet her (without him there) for coffee. This is something I want to do, both for my peace of mind and to manage her expectations.

2. DATE FREQUENCY
I decided one date/week without me is OK, and one date/week with me (e.g., us getting drinks with another polyamorous couple, going to a kink party). So that could potentially mean two dates/week for him in addition to our sexual relationship.

3. DATE ACTIVITY
My therapist said that since my bf just wants a physical relationship/sexual variety, his dates should basically be booty calls. No upscale dinners, no getaway vacations, etc. The romance is reserved for our "primary" relationship.

I put forth those guidelines to him and he said he was "not happy" at the sound of them. We have not delved into hardcore negotiations yet. I feel like this is the best way to manage his wants (a stable of 3-4 regular sex partners) with my wants (casual sex is OK, but not at the expense of our romantic relationship, and I don't want to feel like one of many sister wives.)

I see my therapist again on June 4.

charlie61
05-20-2019, 05:28 PM
Update: I saw my therapist today. She stated that very few poly couples would tolerate an open relationship like ours--specifically, one with no parameters. She suggested creating parameters in three areas: communication, date frequency, and date activity. She said these parameters are qualitative ways to disinguish our "primary" relationship from the new ones he is forming.

These are the parameters we came up with:

1. COMMUNICATION
This starts with him honestly communicating his situation and desires on his dating profile. She suggested that he mention that he is in an open relationship on his Bumble and Tinder profiles so the women know upfront that he's not available for monogamous dating. On the first date, he should disclose that I live with him, and by the third or fourth date, he should tell the other woman that I want to meet her (without him there) for coffee. This is something I want to do, both for my peace of mind and to manage her expectations.

2. DATE FREQUENCY
I decided one date/week without me is OK, and one date/week with me (e.g., us getting drinks with another polyamorous couple, going to a kink party). So that could potentially mean two dates/week for him in addition to our sexual relationship.

3. DATE ACTIVITY
My therapist said that since my bf just wants a physical relationship/sexual variety, his dates should basically be booty calls. No upscale dinners, no getaway vacations, etc. The romance is reserved for our "primary" relationship.

I put forth those guidelines to him and he said he was "not happy" at the sound of them. We have not delved into hardcore negotiations yet. I feel like this is the best way to manage his wants (a stable of 3-4 regular sex partners) with my wants (casual sex is OK, but not at the expense of our romantic relationship, and I don't want to feel like one of many sister wives.)

I see my therapist again on June 4.

Omg, those parameters sound COMPLETELY reasonable to me. If he has good, honest intentions, then I'd expect him to find the parameters reasonable as well. I'm floored that your SO wasn't happy at the sound of them.

cyberstripper
05-20-2019, 07:54 PM
Agree with the parameters. If he is unable to address this in a calm manner..you know all you need to know. But, on your part you are doing everything you possibly can to make this work for both you and him, that is admirable. Best of luck!

miss.a.p1600
05-20-2019, 10:49 PM
Update: I saw my therapist today. She stated that very few poly couples would tolerate an open relationship like ours--specifically, one with no parameters. She suggested creating parameters in three areas: communication, date frequency, and date activity. She said these parameters are qualitative ways to disinguish our "primary" relationship from the new ones he is forming.

These are the parameters we came up with:

1. COMMUNICATION
This starts with him honestly communicating his situation and desires on his dating profile. She suggested that he mention that he is in an open relationship on his Bumble and Tinder profiles so the women know upfront that he's not available for monogamous dating. On the first date, he should disclose that I live with him, and by the third or fourth date, he should tell the other woman that I want to meet her (without him there) for coffee. This is something I want to do, both for my peace of mind and to manage her expectations.

2. DATE FREQUENCY
I decided one date/week without me is OK, and one date/week with me (e.g., us getting drinks with another polyamorous couple, going to a kink party). So that could potentially mean two dates/week for him in addition to our sexual relationship.

3. DATE ACTIVITY
My therapist said that since my bf just wants a physical relationship/sexual variety, his dates should basically be booty calls. No upscale dinners, no getaway vacations, etc. The romance is reserved for our "primary" relationship.

I put forth those guidelines to him and he said he was "not happy" at the sound of them. We have not delved into hardcore negotiations yet. I feel like this is the best way to manage his wants (a stable of 3-4 regular sex partners) with my wants (casual sex is OK, but not at the expense of our romantic relationship, and I don't want to feel like one of many sister wives.)

I see my therapist again on June 4.

Send him an invoice ... so he can pay you for those therapist bills. }:D

charlie61
05-28-2019, 05:21 PM
Update if you can!

Vyanka
05-29-2019, 11:13 AM
May I ask what is so great about this guy, that he is still getting fucked and even the therapist didn't encourage to cut him off??

Why is this man getting spoiled like a little brat??

laurielegs
05-29-2019, 12:08 PM
May I ask what is so great about this guy, that he is still getting fucked and even the therapist didn't encourage to cut him off??

Why is this man getting spoiled like a little brat??

Yeah, on rereading this thread, I'm puzzled too. Sorry, he's an asshole! I see nothing good about him, at least from what it looks like from what is posted here.

Winged Dinghy
05-30-2019, 10:38 AM
We got in a really bad fight. Last week, his band played a gig at a small bar. I didn't go, but I asked him the next morning how it went, if any of our friends were there, etc. He mentioned a few mutual male friends and said it was fine.

A week later, my gut told me he wasn't being completely honest. I asked if he had disclosed all his hookups and he said no--he made out with a mutual acquiantance after the gig.

I told him that was a lie of omission, since I had asked him about that night and he didn't disclose it. In fact, he didn't mention her presence at all.

He said it was a technical gray area, and I said that moving forward, I wanted every hookup to be disclosed. Well, he got really mad about that. Screamed at me, called me a "fucking bitch" and a "cunt" and said that since I didn't tell him when I was seeing a foot fetishist (letting him rub my feet for $80/hour), I was just as guilty of being a liar.

Writing this out, it all looks so terrible, and it really is. He is also still fucking other women. He wants me to go on dates with other people but I just can't bring myself to do it.

carmen_b
05-30-2019, 12:23 PM
^ For many women ( I am this way too ) , we are kind of " heart linked " to our lover ( usually singular lover v.s. 2-3 ).

I just really feel for you in the situation and offer sympathy . It might be nice for you to just kind of " get out there " and enjoy some company ( drinks / something easy ). There really isn't a need to rush sexually if you are not ready. It's advice I'm taking myself ( not just distributing it ) after encountering some deep disappointment this month.

charlie61
05-30-2019, 03:15 PM
We got in a really bad fight. Last week, his band played a gig at a small bar. I didn't go, but I asked him the next morning how it went, if any of our friends were there, etc. He mentioned a few mutual male friends and said it was fine.

A week later, my gut told me he wasn't being completely honest. I asked if he had disclosed all his hookups and he said no--he made out with a mutual acquiantance after the gig.

I told him that was a lie of omission, since I had asked him about that night and he didn't disclose it. In fact, he didn't mention her presence at all.

He said it was a technical gray area, and I said that moving forward, I wanted every hookup to be disclosed. Well, he got really mad about that. Screamed at me, called me a "fucking bitch" and a "cunt" and said that since I didn't tell him when I was seeing a foot fetishist (letting him rub my feet for $80/hour), I was just as guilty of being a liar.

Writing this out, it all looks so terrible, and it really is. He is also still fucking other women. He wants me to go on dates with other people but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Omg, girl. I am so sorry. You've done everything you could possibly do to try to make this work. His actions and words demonstrate how little he's willing to do to try to make your relationship work. I'm just so sorry. Please take care of yourself... :(

carmen_b
05-30-2019, 08:42 PM
Just to add . It's hard on sites like this to see the background and history ...... but just a reminder to take stock of how you are feeling with him. Do go out ? Enjoy each other ? Have chemistry STILL v.s. just longing for the " old days " ?

lurkingtitties
05-31-2019, 07:00 AM
We got in a really bad fight. Last week, his band played a gig at a small bar. I didn't go, but I asked him the next morning how it went, if any of our friends were there, etc. He mentioned a few mutual male friends and said it was fine.

A week later, my gut told me he wasn't being completely honest. I asked if he had disclosed all his hookups and he said no--he made out with a mutual acquiantance after the gig.

I told him that was a lie of omission, since I had asked him about that night and he didn't disclose it. In fact, he didn't mention her presence at all.

He said it was a technical gray area, and I said that moving forward, I wanted every hookup to be disclosed. Well, he got really mad about that. Screamed at me, called me a "fucking bitch" and a "cunt" and said that since I didn't tell him when I was seeing a foot fetishist (letting him rub my feet for $80/hour), I was just as guilty of being a liar.

That's straight up emotional abuse yo you deserve better

SnuffleUffleGrass
05-31-2019, 07:11 AM
We got in a really bad fight. Last week, his band played a gig at a small bar. I didn't go, but I asked him the next morning how it went, if any of our friends were there, etc. He mentioned a few mutual male friends and said it was fine.

A week later, my gut told me he wasn't being completely honest. I asked if he had disclosed all his hookups and he said no--he made out with a mutual acquiantance after the gig.

I told him that was a lie of omission, since I had asked him about that night and he didn't disclose it. In fact, he didn't mention her presence at all.

He said it was a technical gray area, and I said that moving forward, I wanted every hookup to be disclosed. Well, he got really mad about that. Screamed at me, called me a "fucking bitch" and a "cunt" and said that since I didn't tell him when I was seeing a foot fetishist (letting him rub my feet for $80/hour), I was just as guilty of being a liar.

Writing this out, it all looks so terrible, and it really is. He is also still fucking other women. He wants me to go on dates with other people but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Girl it's time to move on.

Side observation- the worsening state of affairs is going to take an extra toll on your health. You mentioned chronic health issues. Now add emotional stress to that.

If this relationship was a bank account it would be in the negative and accruing penalty fees...…..

Winged Dinghy
05-31-2019, 08:03 AM
Just to add . It's hard on sites like this to see the background and history ...... but just a reminder to take stock of how you are feeling with him. Do go out ? Enjoy each other ? Have chemistry STILL v.s. just longing for the " old days " ?

Yes, we do still enjoy each other's company, which is part of what makes the decision to stay or go so hard. We still cook dinner together, go on dates, walks, or spend hours talking over wine. Our sex life, paradoxically, has improved since opening the relationship.

Things are just very up-and-down right now.

I'm going on a Tinder date with a Russian academic tonight, by the way. And seeing my therapist again on Tuesday.

miss.a.p1600
05-31-2019, 10:11 AM
I'm going on a Tinder date with a Russian academic tonight, by the way. And seeing my therapist again on Tuesday.

Keep dick on deck so you can have options in case you need to bounce

WendiStarr
05-31-2019, 05:18 PM
^ I agree. If he is free to see and screw whoever he wants, you should be able to do the same or at the very least meet and date others. Who knows. You might even find someone better or at least better than this fool. Your current boyfriend sounds like a selfish, emotionally abusive prick.

cyberstripper
05-31-2019, 07:52 PM
I'm sorry to hear about the fight and that he could not handle this like an adult, rather taking it out on you. Your request to disclose his outside endeavors is not all that unusual where open relationships are concerned. Did your bf do any research at all when it comes to opening a relationship? It seems he hasn't. Also, it is of upmost importance to disclose it for health concerns like STD's. He should want to do whatever it takes to ease your mind, including being transparent. Due to the fact that he is not, and this is only at the beginning stages leads me to believe this will only get worse, not better. He is emotionally immature and can't handle being truly open, that is a breach of trust and defeats the purpose. If he was emotionally mature and didn't have outbursts like this, or the need for secrecy I would think otherwise. The secrecy is even bothering me and I am not even in this relationship. OPEN means being open and transparent with all parties involved, and offering a safe place for everyone to discuss their wants, needs, desires, boundaries, and emotions. He is incapable of offering you this safe place as of right now. No, that doesn't mean he cannot change, but what kind of bs will you have to deal with in the meantime until "things get to a better place?" More emotional abuse and fights? More secrets? :(

This happened in my situation also. The guy would make it known when he was hooking up with others on occasion, but at times he would completely shut down and tell me stuff like "my cock doesnt belong to you" "you are not beholden to my dick" He would not disclose anything about me to anyone, said he was single and yes we were only fwb, but that did not give me any sense of security at all, which is of upmost importance. All the while he would tell me "I had nothing to worry about/I'm irreplaceable" Then he confessed he didn't hook up with anyone all along. I didn't know what to believe.

All the while, he made my pussy his business, asking me about any encounters and flat out accusing me on most occasions. I kept this mostly to myself, as it seemed he wanted to have a don't ask don't tell policy, but then would come at me with all kinds of crazy accusations. I would be judged and slut shamed if I did disclose anything, as to be predicted. And, like you, my work was thrown in my face when it was convenient. When things didn't work out in his favor, emotional abuse and manipulation ensued. Guilt tripping me for my outside endeavors as a means for him to justify his own actions. But, at least when it was due, I was honest and transparent, which was something he never was.

I had no choice eventually but to stop disclosing because anything I did or said would be used against me as a means to manipulate me. At that time though, there was not a chance of this working out and I knew it, so I kept my options open. I had every right to do so because we were not in a committed relationship.

I understand what you are going through and agree that you may want to start seeing other men, not as "revenge" but to keep your options open and stop hyper focusing on your current. I guarantee though that because he seems very emotionally immature doing so will cause further drama. He says he wants you to, but saying it and you actually doing it are two different things. I have a feeling this will be held over your head at some point, as your work was, to justify his behavior and actions.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. But if this is not working out you have to be honest with yourself for your own health and well being. This is taking an emotional toll on you. Best to end it before you experience more trauma. If you need to take time to heal, time to yourself to clear your head, etc...do so before you get involved with others.

And please like me for the love of god do not get other women involved in a poly/3 some scenario. If you two cannot manage an ethical open/poly relationship as is, it is unfair to any other women to get them involved in this.

Sounds like your guy is getting open relationship advice from the pick up community. Seriously everything you post about him reminds me of the PUA. They don't want a truly open relationship. They want a main to play wife and gf while they go fuck other women and for her to accept that. If she doesn't accept this type manipulates, gives ultimatums, and attempts to emotionally abuse the female into submission, but many of the women involved just dump their asses instead and will not tolerate it.

Side edit: In your bf's defense, do you ask him in an accusatory manner? When the PUA started accusing me of things, it only made me want to keep things to myself. Things would then be reworded, he would ask me my whereabouts constantly, ask me who I was on the phone with or texting, etc. This was controlling on his behalf. Are you coming off as controlling?

In my case of he did not exhibit this behavior, I would have felt safe to open up to him. Perhaps your bf does not feel safe, perhaps he doesn't want to tell you so he does not hurt you, etc. Just something to think about.

In my experience with the PUA, I had no idea why he would shut down the way he did. I would not ask him anything, accuse him of anything, etc. I personally think he just had no other women and due to his image and persona his lack of other women would have been a blow to his ego and a threat to his position in the PUA community. Hence why he was so secretive, about other women who did not even exist lol.

Adelina
06-01-2019, 08:59 PM
If he is calling you names, being disrespectful, he is not afraid to lose you and does not value you. Girl, he already left you. You just don't know it yet.

charlie61
06-02-2019, 11:35 AM
WD, remember that it's possible to be in an emotionally abusive relationship and still enjoy moments with your partner. This is very common. And I think that that situation is so harmful for your spirit, because you're always hoping for the next moment of enjoyment with the partner you love and remember as the person you originally fell in love with. That makes it so easy to endure the difficult and damaging times. This is what keeps people in bad relationships. It makes it so hard to leave when you have an abundance of good moments mixed in with really bad ones. It takes time to prepare yourself for the possibility of moving on and having to leave behind all of the parts of your partner that you still love and cherish.

miss.a.p1600
06-02-2019, 04:11 PM
WD, remember that it's possible to be in an emotionally abusive relationship and still enjoy moments with your partner. This is very common. And I think that that situation is so harmful for your spirit, because you're always hoping for the next moment of enjoyment with the partner you love and remember as the person you originally fell in love with.

Sounds a bit like this

https://www.businessinsider.com/trauma-bonding-explains-why-people-often-stay-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/healing-from-a-trauma-bond/

charlie61
06-02-2019, 04:41 PM
^yeah, that's great information. To the OP's credit, it sounds like this unhealthy dynamic is fairly new to the relationship... but i think it's important to catch it early. She mentioned that the sex has gotten better since they've opened things up, indicating the beginning of that unhealthy rollercoaster pattern (emotional and physical pain and betrayal followed by intense emotional and physical bonding). It's a powerful cycle that needs to be broken as quickly as possible.

lurkingtitties
06-09-2019, 11:53 AM
Hey honey how have you been doing?

Winged Dinghy
06-11-2019, 07:16 AM
^^^thank you for asking, lurkingtitties!

Things are still very much up and down, but I am doing better. My BF has agreed to adhere to the parameters we discussed (with an alteration--he wants to go on 1.3 dates/week instead of 1/week...I said OK to that). He also apologized for cursing me out.

The real game-changer has been me dating other guys. I hit it off with the Russian academic. We went out a couple times and it really helped open my eyes to the world beyond this one relationship. Also, because I was getting dicked down while my BF was with his fuck buddy, I felt a lot less jealous. I was too distracted to wonder what my BF was doing, when or if he would be home, etc.

After almost two months, I have figured out that while nonmonogamy is not my preferred mode for being in a relationship, it does not have to be a dealbreaker.

Winged Dinghy
05-04-2020, 05:27 AM
Now, I'm with someone who only makes me laugh, inspires me to be my best self, and is truly a partner to me in every way. I would have laughed you out of the room if you'd told me a couple of years ago that this is where I'd be.

Just telling you my story to give you a bit of hope for your future. ♡

Time for a year (!!!) update to this thread.

Charlie61, I never thought I'd be writing this, but something similar has happened to me. I met an amazing guy in January (detailed in the Dating Adventures thread) and it kind of changed everything. He's fucking magical, and it feels like he was made for me. He's also polyamorous. Ironically, I have embraced the poly life. I don't think I would go back to monogamy at this point.

I'm still with my current partner but we have "de-escalated our relationship." He's basically not my primary partner anymore. He is going to be partly moving out--living on a friend's farm 2-3 days a week, while continuing to pay rent, spend the rest of the week here and be one of my partners. The quarantine has brought a lot of our issues to a head. He said I was "the most selfish bitch he'd ever met." I'm really just including that so I don't forget a year from now.

I'm pretty floored that I actually met someone as incredible as my new partner who also finds me incredible. I didn't think that was possible for me.

carmen_b
05-06-2020, 12:32 PM
^ I was curious too about updates !

charlie61
05-06-2020, 08:11 PM
Time for a year (!!!) update to this thread.

Charlie61, I never thought I'd be writing this, but something similar has happened to me. I met an amazing guy in January (detailed in the Dating Adventures thread) and it kind of changed everything. He's fucking magical, and it feels like he was made for me. He's also polyamorous. Ironically, I have embraced the poly life. I don't think I would go back to monogamy at this point.

I'm still with my current partner but we have "de-escalated our relationship." He's basically not my primary partner anymore. He is going to be partly moving out--living on a friend's farm 2-3 days a week, while continuing to pay rent, spend the rest of the week here and be one of my partners. The quarantine has brought a lot of our issues to a head. He said I was "the most selfish bitch he'd ever met." I'm really just including that so I don't forget a year from now.

I'm pretty floored that I actually met someone as incredible as my new partner who also finds me incredible. I didn't think that was possible for me.

How crazy is that?! I'm so happy for you!! And I'm honestly not surprised that poly is working for you in a NEW relationship where that was the healthy norm from the beginning. I think that's so much easier and healthier than trying to open up a previously monogamous relationship.

But like, seriously, it's crazy, isn't it?! When i was leaving my last relationship, i was in such a low place emotionally that i thought I'd never find love again. It's just unreal how quickly and / or dramatically life can change. I'm so happy that you've found yourself in a similar situation!!

Winged Dinghy
05-08-2020, 06:38 AM
But like, seriously, it's crazy, isn't it?! When i was leaving my last relationship, i was in such a low place emotionally that i thought I'd never find love again. It's just unreal how quickly and / or dramatically life can change. I'm so happy that you've found yourself in a similar situation!!

YES. It is so crazy! Like, I was not looking for this kind of connection at ALL. But I'm so glad it managed to find me.

Adelina
05-08-2020, 08:01 AM
YES. It is so crazy! Like, I was not looking for this kind of connection at ALL. But I'm so glad it managed to find me.

That's awesome, I am very happy for you!

Morrigan
05-10-2020, 12:10 PM
when it clicks it clicks and can be an amazing and very very cozy life. my family group is a solid united " us" there was never a mine and yours , there was always a ours/we thing. i always refer to them as my facets or my pieces.

many people are a glass of affection. there can be a never ending refill to it but it can only nurture and fulfill A person.
some of us are like a well that can support a village. :) but its not a life one can uphold without expecting some time and energy to add to that balance.and like every relationship, it has to be an investment from everyone not just a few.

Winged Dinghy
03-24-2021, 09:14 AM
Update: My old partner (the one who prompted this thread) and I broke up in August. We are on decent terms. He cat-sits when I go out of town. I'm still with my new poly partner and our relationship keeps getting better. We're discussing marriage. He's the best.

lurkingtitties
03-24-2021, 09:40 AM
The old bf seemed like a selfish jerk. Glad you left him for good. Seems like open/poly wasn’t the issue at all!