View Full Version : HELP me sort thoughts ..... partner now hesitant on dancing after 6 months of support
carmen_b
12-12-2021, 08:44 AM
^ Maybe it does just come down to worn out novelty !
It was unique at first and now it’s just me leaving town to try to get money .
Part of what we talked about yesterday is how that is OK !
It can be just a job!
carmen_b
12-12-2021, 10:11 AM
Zero gratification here unless you factor in the cash count after a good night lol !!
Perhaps he's insecure and thinks that stripping provides you with sexual gratification
carmen_b
12-12-2021, 10:13 AM
Thank you !! That means a lot coming from a polished hustler such as yourself !
I have done A LOT to put long term savings in place ! I just want to keep going and not be " stalled out " anymore playing this waiting game. I certainly didn't *expect* the business to be this slow. If I had this information 2-3 months ago I would have popped in and got a local job somewhere. I invested in a website make over, bought advertising, and did what I thought were the right things. I'm not in danger of not having bills paid which is a wonderful place to be. With the world coming out of Covid and the economy correcting NOW is the time to push goals forward and not sit around waiting !
Carmen, Props to you, you have it going on.
moneybags
12-12-2021, 08:10 PM
^^^things aren’t going back to “normal”, we’ve enter a new era. I suppose that’s just my personal opinion, but I don’t think the clubs will be popping pre covid. Even my club that’s in a conservative state with little rules and regulations is slow. I do think we’ll get use to it. I do think we will learn to live with covid and things will stabilize to some degree no matter what business your in.
Those who wait lose when it comes to business. You have to move fast when it comes to making money. All we can do is make the best decision with the information we have now and make changes as needed. Humans are remarkably adaptable, so although things maybe challenging with Covid-personally and professionally-we’ll be okay.
Also, i think there’s so many ways to make money that I think I’ll be happier and more abundant in my non adult work. I love dancing because it’s easy cash money and it’s fun. I’ll retire on my terms and no one else’s.
“Be done with the industry before the industry is done with you.” Lisa Anne
carmen_b
12-12-2021, 10:07 PM
^ I’ve been done with the industry three times. Ha.
I could use the $ boost right now even if it's just an extra 1k - $1800 or so a month.
:)
carmen_b
12-13-2021, 10:05 AM
^ I think we can either be like " oh it's not what it used to be " OR just get what is STILL left ! Last time I did a dancer trip I made about $700 ( I wanted $1,000 of course ha ). It's all helpful even though I had a bad night that killed my average.
I work in a city where a visit to one of the club is a bucket list item ha. So just the " appeal " of going is keeping things moving. At a certain level clubs are an “ attraction. I’m happy to collect on that.
We settled in a little better. There will be no pausing working this week. :)
I *might* end up working only one night though M- TH ( my usual club timing ) because he is taking his daughter out of the house for ONCE on Tuesday and having a night of the house to myself is almost as valuable as earning extra money. I'm deciding what to do there ! I could really see myself enjoying the house and just doing Wednesday.
I am open to other money making ideas ( such as applying for some part time things closer to our home ). I am not open to pretending my stress about money doesn't exist and glossing over it. I'm tackling it. For example ..... this hotel front desk job near me I could actually see myself doing that a few days a week. That is *another* way to bring in a little extra without needing to travel .
carmen_b
12-13-2021, 07:02 PM
There is just a bit of an element of concern because I don't have time to do this ( console him or squash confusion about the job ). I offered to just have him pop in to put a " face " to the club . I felt like things must be worse in his mind . Hopefully it won't be the chaos hour or something .
I'm glad he didn't have an EPIC melt down or anything . There is some element of feeling drained though because I do this for a time saving . Taking this extra time goes against that quite a bit.
Things are challenging right now. I am feeling depressed ( winter ugh ) so everything just feels somewhat difficult.
miss.a.p1600
12-14-2021, 06:14 AM
^hopefully there will be a resolution.
Unfortunately I do think that being adamant about moving in with him caused him to be all up in your business and you wanted to be honest with him.
I’m learning this myself. Men are fucking nosy as hell and especially when you live with them.
I think him seeing the club might make him more jealous than he supposedly already is?
That’s tough. If I were you idk I might start embellishing my whereabouts if I could. N not tell him when I’m at the club.
Can you tell him you need the allowance for your business to be extended n increased? Idk. If he’s paying that ex wife Bertha broad alimony then he needs to break you off some more change too.
Idk where these men get off thinking they can payout oodles of money to exes they’re no longer with, no longer fucking, etc. Yet you do all the work to keep him happy n the house running smoothly.
If he paying out alimony n child support then he needs to either get the top attorney in town to get those figures reduced or pay you double what he pays her.
I’m sorry but ex wives shouldn’t be compensated more than the current wife, partner because they chose to reduce their financial reliance on their ex when they divorced.
Something is not right if that hag is sitting on her ass collecting child support AND alimony and you’re working hard in the adult club and he is not even trying to help you more financially.
he could afford to help you a bit more financially vs complain about your job.
I’d ride his ass n run guilt trips on him about paying out so much, too much, to his ex Bertha to the point he can barely help you.
Divorce men with kids should not (in my opinion) payout more to their exes than they are doing for you/the current woman in their life. If they’re going to foolishly fork over more than half their paychecks to a bish that does Nothing for them anymore then what value do they bring to you????? This is just my opinion.
Anywho I know you’re trying to be maintain peace at your household so hopefully your dude can see from your perspective.
carmen_b
12-14-2021, 10:34 AM
*** NO QUOTING PLEASE BUT HERE IS SOME INFO ***
^ He may pay us close to the same at times? Hah. I don't know. I had the allowance before.
His ex gets $2600 a month for almost two more years ( rough I know ugh ).
I came in after this legal agreement was set already and she takes the kid closer to 17 days a month too ( we do 13 ). Having the extra space and quiet is worth a lot to me honestly. He has slightly less custody because his lawyer wisely advised to just write it into the agreement ( to account for work trips and automate it ) .
He makes 175 k a year and then in April he is supposed to get some sort of bonus.
It seems like a huge amount but after taxes it's about $8750 a month.
His ex costs $2600 and house + car I think is $3800. That's $6400.
It leaves about $2350 for everything else ( food , many dates , kid , vacations ). He is generous there . I have the most luxurious life honestly that I have had before. You can see in the numbers...... he can't afford to have me not work ( since I won't settle for less than 3k a month ).
That's probably way more details about us than anyone needs to know but I do know the numbers and that is what they are. I accepted the fact the a divorce is expensive. It wasn't a secret to me.
I think the April bonus is going to be pretty good and we might do something interesting. :)
My actual bills are SUPER low . I think I could probably survive on $1200 a month if I had to ( cheap car payment , some profit from renting my home ect. ) ! The point is that I don't *want* to just not work. That isn't the goal. Ongoing progress is the goal. I had more not working time than I wanted during Covid !
I also didn't want to press for the allowance to continue IF my business is operating normally because he said he was putting things here and there on this zero interest credit card. I don't want EITHER of us to have any credit card use ( other than using them for miles and points and doing total pay offs per month ). It's an important goal to me to keep up after finally getting to near bottom of my card debt pile. I want to be entirely debt free TOGETHER.
carmen_b
12-14-2021, 10:51 AM
^ Certainly though ..... if he " can't stand " me being at the club OR me possibly going up to working 40 hours a week ( I currently do about 30 with the business not really being busy enough ) and he wants to take some side work or something to have my working hours drop I would be fine with that !
We have a REALLY good thing going. If he is honest he also works about 30 hours a week. He is a software engineer and works from home. You simply can not beat that schedule. He hit the job jackpot .
carmen_b
12-14-2021, 11:01 AM
I agree with you Miss P !
His ex CHOSE to not work ( even 7-8 years ago when he was making " normal person " money like 50 k ).
Who calls that number good for a household ? Anyway ......
It's definitely a bummer because the state law / court determined she " needed " that money.
She wouldn't need it if she had a resume or ANY job skills.
I looked it up of course lol and I guess it's quite common for the no or low earning ex spouse ( in our state ) to get enough living expenses for 4 years. His deal was a " typical " court ruling not extreme. It honestly could have been worse at that income level.
Sam38g
12-14-2021, 01:23 PM
Here is my issue, what do men ever give up? While it is nice if you can afford and pay you the money given up but that is a luxury and also gives him more power in the relationship.
The compounding interest you will make by investing that extra money you make for just a few days a month will be huge amount in ten and even bigger in 20 years. While even if he get the bonus or you get married doesn't mean in 20 to 30 years you will get that kind of next egg if divorced.
It is your freedom money, your go fuck yourself money that helps keep men in line. He should take comfort in knowing you are with him for great reasons & mutual attraction and not just for home much money he can earn.
Men are never ask to sacrifice like this, so it is totally sexist. Either he trust you or he doesn't. It is amazing that you can make that kind of money in a short amount of time and have your life set up so it can go towards investments. He should be honored that a woman has her shit together on this level instead of someone he has to rescue.
I like the fact that he gives his ex so much money and acknowledges his success is partly due to her being a stay at home wife. She probably deserves even more money. But trying to force you into the same kind of situation worries me a bit. Is his ego that fragile that he can't stand you being a bit more financially independent? There is so much unpaid labor that women do, and our retirement funds are way below men's because of it.
Fully realize him supporting you makes him feel more like a man, but that shouldn't be at the cost of your own wealth and earning potential. He also realizes with you completely totally focused on him, will help him move up the corporate latter. You are smart and brainstorming, venting and such with you can help him be even more successful... Smart successful men know to get to the millionaire and then billionaire level takes a very smart wife to help them strategize. So definitely know your value.
And remember, him becoming a millionaire doesn't mean you will become one too even if you get married. There are all kinds of ways men can protect or hide their wealth.
carmen_b
12-14-2021, 02:23 PM
^ Exactly Sam
I only read through paragraphs 1-2 ( so far ) but this “ extra “ accumulated monthly for years is something I will do for myself period. It doesn’t have to be dancing per say but an income of 2 k is simply not good enough ( even with housing and many bills covered ). Supplementing needs to happen until my business is back up to 3 k minimum a month.
carmen_b
12-14-2021, 02:28 PM
^ He can’t afford another stay at home wife.
I’m not really interested anyway ( boring )!
If he has 24-36k to hand me we can discuss it again and possibly do a part time house wife plan during the next 12 months.
I make some jokes but I AM a great household member. I do cook 1-2 times a week typically even with my other things pulling at my schedule. If his work peaks in hours on an odd day and mine is normal he can hand me little tasks and things in emergencies. Mostly we each do our work days separate but in a pinch I'm an instant " on call " emergency capable person .
miss.a.p1600
12-14-2021, 03:47 PM
^well I think he could afford to keep you as a stay at home wife if he didn’t get a lay down lawyer to make him pay obscene amount to his ex wife. I seriously think he should consider a second opinion for a better attorney to get a downward modification because their is no way is income should drop 73% for just one child
Sometimes some men are more valuable after you divorce them and that’s why they get fleeced through the courts which require divorce settlement buyouts,, alimony, n child support.
And yes you should ALWAYS have your own coins, assets in your name only so if you need to up n leave ……. You can easily up n leave.
I think your guy may have put his foot in his mouth (complaining about not getting what like 3% of men probably get) n end up opening up Pandora’s box.
carmen_b
12-14-2021, 04:29 PM
^ I think so.
Ha.
I bet he highly regrets launching his " sex concern " topic. It has not gone well for him.
Yikes, yes, after typing all that out I see after tax 29% goes to her ( ex ) .
We are very lucky though and shit happens ( alimony is some shit !! ) so I just try not to think too much about it.
carmen_b
12-16-2021, 06:00 PM
Thank you guys again for talking this out with me. :)
I'm not really sure where I am landing on the whole " he should give me an allowance thing " . I don't feel like I need one IF the schedule is not demanding. If there is a vibe of a really demanding schedule ( I don't just mean the sex thing lol ) where I'm expected to kind of continually " match " his schedule ...... that creates some additional stress . That additional difficulty SHOULD qualify me for an allowance ( in my opinion ). I can pretty easily 75% of the time " match " his kid free days but trying to do a 100% schedule match is difficult and probably needs to end .
I think we got WAY to used to our lives when I had Pandemic Assistance and this totally free schedule. We are learning to adjust ha. I TOLD him I was super busy and that he hasn't seen it yet and NOW he is seeing it.
^ What I mean here is just *general* life adjustments. I want to pop my own social things onto the calendar on those nights sometimes instead of always scheduling that stuff on his kid days. If I have anything going for the day job such as traveling we have that understood. I just go regardless of the days and it's not stressful.
I'm going to do an experiment and tell him in advance of a day I'm booking out for myself ( such as yoga evening or something ) on a typical " us " day and make sure it goes smooth as butter.
I don’t want to stress about creating that perfect schedule type of match ( that was automated before from receiving my Pandemic checks ) . I haven't had the heart yet to try the club on one of " our " days lol. I am not sure I could do that to him after I finally got him calmed down recently. Sticking to the club only on the " kid " days is working for me for now.