View Full Version : Resenting my fiancé because I'm not able to cam
MiraMichele
04-22-2022, 02:01 PM
Also to add, to respond to the comments I received. He still is saying he is not happy I am doing this, but he is allowing it. I should shut him down on that. I don't need him to allow it. He wants me to have a time frame. I will make my own time frame when I am satisfied.
He does have an ok job, he does not make enough to support me and the kids. He is also absolutely terrible with money. I am going to start taking control of finances because he can't control his spending. All of this while his irresponsible ass tries to dictate what job I can do. Then has the nerve to ask me for more money when he realizes I am actually making money doing cam, and gasp, not doing it because I "get off" on it.
I will say why I allowed this. Anxiety. I have been in some very bad situations, I have abandonment issues. I have had a lot of abusive relationships where the guys would just throw me out on the street. So my mind is stuck in automatically thinking that will keep happening. If I do this job and he is unhappy, he will throw me out. I'll be homeless and without again. We have our place together, but he could evict me is what I think. So I am allowing him to dictate too much. I should be thinking well so what if he does, he can't legally just throw me out in an instant. I have time to figure out a solution even if it came to that. I shouldn't be thinking this way at all but it is what my mind does to me. And he knows it so I think he enjoys being able to take control of me in this way knowing I will be afraid.
MiraMichele
04-22-2022, 02:01 PM
I do need to get one and try it. Thank you.
naomi_doll
04-22-2022, 02:22 PM
Also to add, to respond to the comments I received. He still is saying he is not happy I am doing this, but he is allowing it. I should shut him down on that. I don't need him to allow it. He wants me to have a time frame. I will make my own time frame when I am satisfied.
He does have an ok job, he does not make enough to support me and the kids. He is also absolutely terrible with money. I am going to start taking control of finances because he can't control his spending. All of this while his irresponsible ass tries to dictate what job I can do. Then has the nerve to ask me for more money when he realizes I am actually making money doing cam, and gasp, not doing it because I "get off" on it.
I will say why I allowed this. Anxiety. I have been in some very bad situations, I have abandonment issues. I have had a lot of abusive relationships where the guys would just throw me out on the street. So my mind is stuck in automatically thinking that will keep happening. If I do this job and he is unhappy, he will throw me out. I'll be homeless and without again. We have our place together, but he could evict me is what I think. So I am allowing him to dictate too much. I should be thinking well so what if he does, he can't legally just throw me out in an instant. I have time to figure out a solution even if it came to that. I shouldn't be thinking this way at all but it is what my mind does to me. And he knows it so I think he enjoys being able to take control of me in this way knowing I will be afraid.
Maybe therapy can help you get past the anxiety and look at the situation outside of the fight or flight mode - https://www.stripperweb.com/forum/showthread.php?227165-Mental-Health-Services-For-Sexworkers
It seems like he's using you. A guy who loves you would want to make sure you were happy and not have you work jobs you don't enjoy (the other ones, not the cam ones) and beg you for money. He wouldn't use your fears to control you.
I think you have a good head on your shoulders and see this all for what it is. We are all rooting for you!
MiraMichele
04-22-2022, 03:10 PM
Maybe therapy can help you get past the anxiety and look at the situation outside of the fight or flight mode - https://www.stripperweb.com/forum/showthread.php?227165-Mental-Health-Services-For-Sexworkers
It seems like he's using you. A guy who loves you would want to make sure you were happy and not have you work jobs you don't enjoy (the other ones, not the cam ones) and beg you for money. He wouldn't use your fears to control you.
I think you have a good head on your shoulders and see this all for what it is. We are all rooting for you!
Therapy would probably be a big help for me. I need to definitely look into it.
naomi_doll
04-22-2022, 03:17 PM
Therapy would probably be a big help for me. I need to definitely look into it.
It helped me a lot! I didn't use pineapple support but I've heard good things and they have a sliding scale based on what you can pay.
whirlerz
04-23-2022, 02:57 AM
If you're concerned a about him evicting you, check out the laws in your state..
Also, there's free legal services, in my area they're staffed by volunteer attorneys, I can call M - Th.
There's free women abuse places that can direct you such as 1 800 799 7233 http://www.womenagainstabuse.org (http://www.womenagainstabuseorg)
http://www.nolo.com
Read the sticky at the top: Financial Abusd
Can you possibly rent a room somewhere?
ggminx
04-23-2022, 05:16 AM
i hope you save your money and move the F out! i'd even go so far as to go get one of those extended stay hotels to pay by the week or rent a room like suggested above.
seriously, if you reverse the roles in your mind and think about what he's doing, if you did this same behaviour to him, he'd drop you quick time because you are the unsupportive one
what would you do if he came to you and he said he was unhappy in his job and he wanted to take another one and you grumbled. and then he takes the new job and you're grumbling. and maybe he needs some support or help with self-care and your support was to tell him to quit?
think about what will happen on days you struggle with work and need support and help with your self care. will he be there to do that or will he keep encouraging you to quit? what would he do if you gave him a time frame for a job he liked? that he could only have it for so long and you expected him to quit? his support still sounds conditional to me and like he is a control freak. he sounds like he's in his own corner and you're not a team for each other.
whirlerz
04-23-2022, 07:41 AM
i hope you save your money and move the F out! i'd even go so far as to go get one of those extended stay hotels to pay by the week or rent a room like suggested above.
seriously, if you reverse the roles in your mind and think about what he's doing, if you did this same behaviour to him, he'd drop you quick time because you are the unsupportive one
what would you do if he came to you and he said he was unhappy in his job and he wanted to take another one and you grumbled. and then he takes the new job and you're grumbling. and maybe he needs some support or help with self-care and your support was to tell him to quit?
think about what will happen on days you struggle with work and need support and help with your self care. will he be there to do that or will he keep encouraging you to quit? what would he do if you gave him a time frame for a job he liked? that he could only have it for so long and you expected him to quit? his support still sounds conditional to me and like he is a control freak. he sounds like he's in his own corner and you're not a team for each other.
So well said! ^
I see this played out on the daily, where I live..
The lady upstairs isn't allowed to work in certain jobs, not allowed to talk to any of us, he has a camera watching the door, has her phone..
She seems very nervous, she has a stomach tumor
MiraMichele
04-23-2022, 10:56 AM
If you're concerned a about him evicting you, check out the laws in your state..
Also, there's free legal services, in my area they're staffed by volunteer attorneys, I can call M - Th.
There's free women abuse places that can direct you such as 1 800 799 7233 http://www.womenagainstabuse.org (http://www.womenagainstabuseorg)
http://www.nolo.com
Read the sticky at the top: Financial Abusd
Can you possibly rent a room somewhere?
If it comes to that, yes. I have a friend I used to rent a room from and I could always go back there if it came to that. He isn't the best roommate in the world because he is a complete sob so I'd have to do all the cleaning and wash his dishes cause he would just leave them sitting for who knows how long if I didn't lol. I can only imagine what his place looks like right now and how many weeks dirty dishes have been piled up in the sink. The good is he don't care what I do, he knows about my stripping and camming, he don't care and he don't bother me so that is a plus. If I wanted to try to find a cleaner roommate I will have to keep this hidden and it is frustrating.
whirlerz
04-23-2022, 11:23 AM
If it comes to that, yes. I have a friend I used to rent a room from and I could always go back there if it came to that. He isn't the best roommate in the world because he is a complete sob so I'd have to do all the cleaning and wash his dishes cause he would just leave them sitting for who knows how long if I didn't lol. I can only imagine what his place looks like right now and how many weeks dirty dishes have been piled up in the sink. The good is he don't care what I do, he knows about my stripping and camming, he don't care and he don't bother me so that is a plus. If I wanted to try to find a cleaner roommate I will have to keep this hidden and it is frustrating.
I get it lol, I live in a house full. I'm the only one that takes up the dumpsters for pickup, otherwise we'd have rats..
But me personally, I'd rather deal deal w/a slob than a controlling person
You know what? Even if you did find someone cleaner, there'll be a trade off on something else..
At least you know he won't bother you.
Also, once you get going, you'll be able to get a better place
MiraMichele
04-23-2022, 01:00 PM
I get it lol, I live in a house full. I'm the only one that takes up the dumpsters for pickup, otherwise we'd have rats..
But me personally, I'd rather deal deal w/a slob than a controlling person
You know what? Even if you did find someone cleaner, there'll be a trade off on something else..
At least you know he won't bother you.
Also, once you get going, you'll be able to get a better place
You are right, there probably would be a trade off. I had quite an interesting roommate experience before. They were extremely clean, so that was a plus. They were a lesbian couple, die hard Trump supporters. I wasn't stripping when I moved in but I wanted to start back to it. I wasn't sure how they would feel about it and didn't think I could hide it well from them so I told them, they were ok with it. Then one day they said they needed to have a talk. They said they had not had sex since I moved in because I was home too much and they can't have sex if someone is in the house. They said I needed to write a schedule on the fridge so they can plan their sex around it. I wasn't dancing by a schedule, I'd just go to work when I felt like it so that sucked for me. Things were quite awkward after that. I decided camming was out the window after that. Besides that, anytime I wanted to use the kitchen they would come in there bugging me, like they didn't trust what I was doing, questioning everything I was doing. Anytime I would leave my room, the main one that always bothered me would come out and have to talk. I didn't want to be approached for chit chat each time I left my room so that got old really fast. Especially early in the morning, I'd wake up and want a cigarette so I'd have to go outside, and of course there she would come bugging me, I wasn't in the mood at 6am. There were more things they did but I don't want to go into a novel lol. But yes, I would rather deal with my slob friend who never bothered me than deal with roommates like that again.
whirlerz
04-23-2022, 01:10 PM
Lol, @they couldn't have sex when you were there, what?
The couple on my floor do it all the time, (I don't listen or anything lol).
Pretty much everyone keeps to themselves. I sure don't want anyone in my face, & don't get up in theirs.
They could damn well get a white noise machine, sound like a PIA anyway tho.
MiraMichele
04-23-2022, 01:19 PM
Idk it was very strange to me. They were a lesbian couple that one acted more manly and the other was feminine. When they talked to me the more manly one said she can't perform if someone is in the house period, and the feminine one was was just staring at me like yea, I haven't been laid in way too long because of me and this is hurting our relationship. It was just weird, they were weird in a lot of ways though.
carmen_b
04-23-2022, 02:09 PM
^ I see how some lead time ( like letting them know 2-3 ahead when you'd be out ) would be nice but ....... actually not being able ? Weird !
Sounds loud and interesting to me !
Should have told them to cam it for $$ haha.
whirlerz
04-23-2022, 03:10 PM
If they needed that, they shouldn't have roomies..
chanzep
04-23-2022, 10:29 PM
If I were you I would save a bunch of money and move out. How dare he ask you for money. If he can't support you and kids that his problem. I would just get a small apartment roommates are a hassle. Move somewhere cheap and get some cameras etc.
I wouldn't even tell him my plans I would just bounce.
MiraMichele
04-24-2022, 11:43 AM
If they needed that, they shouldn't have roomies..
Exactly. I was their first ever roommate though. They wanted a roommate because they had some repairs they wanted to do around the house and wanted to make extra money by renting out their spare room. Maybe they weren't aware there would be such sexual performance issues having someone staying long term in their house. At the same time though, they had been together for a long time and I am sure this issue has came up while they have had guests, or been guests around other people.
MiraMichele
04-24-2022, 03:35 PM
Another thing, just go get this off my chest too. This is probably a bigger issue than the camming. The kids. I am honestly not happy that he has kids at all, and that they spend 50% of the time with us. His kids are great kids, they are well behaved, they are very friendly, they are honestly great kids. Nothing against them personally. I don't bond with kids well, and honestly I almost dread it when it is our week to have them because I really don't want kids around. I have tried bonding with them, but I can't form any connection. It isn't who I am, I just don't do well with kids and would rather not be around them. I have tried, it isn't working. And it keeps getting worse instead of better. I think this may be an even more obvious sign that this won't work. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue before? Could there be a solution, or is this completely doomed?
SnuffleUffleGrass
04-24-2022, 08:36 PM
Another thing, just go get this off my chest too. This is probably a bigger issue than the camming. The kids. I am honestly not happy that he has kids at all, and that they spend 50% of the time with us. His kids are great kids, they are well behaved, they are very friendly, they are honestly great kids. Nothing against them personally. I don't bond with kids well, and honestly I almost dread it when it is our week to have them because I really don't want kids around. I have tried bonding with them, but I can't form any connection. It isn't who I am, I just don't do well with kids and would rather not be around them. I have tried, it isn't working. And it keeps getting worse instead of better. I think this may be an even more obvious sign that this won't work. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue before? Could there be a solution, or is this completely doomed?
IMO you should move on.
You'll be fine babe.
techqueen
04-25-2022, 02:10 AM
Another thing, just go get this off my chest too. This is probably a bigger issue than the camming. The kids. I am honestly not happy that he has kids at all, and that they spend 50% of the time with us. His kids are great kids, they are well behaved, they are very friendly, they are honestly great kids. Nothing against them personally. I don't bond with kids well, and honestly I almost dread it when it is our week to have them because I really don't want kids around. I have tried bonding with them, but I can't form any connection. It isn't who I am, I just don't do well with kids and would rather not be around them. I have tried, it isn't working. And it keeps getting worse instead of better. I think this may be an even more obvious sign that this won't work. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue before? Could there be a solution, or is this completely doomed?
If he had kids when you met him and you are “honestly not happy that he has kids” , why in the world are you still with this person? I say those kids deserve someone that would be genuinely happy to have them. Seriously, just on that alone that is a huge huge disservice to them and yourself. I would put the fear of whatever that is stopping you from leaving aside and just leave. There is literally no solution to this but leaving.
ggminx
04-25-2022, 05:20 AM
want to recommend this book. hope it helps to provide clarity for you and your future what you feel and need based upon your observations you've shared with us. I have to agree with TQ and SUG if you feel so strongly about the kids and that was something you took issue with for some time. hopefully your partner wants to read it with you if you're still sitting on the fence about the relationship
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
miss.a.p1600
04-25-2022, 05:57 AM
Another thing, just go get this off my chest too. This is probably a bigger issue than the camming. The kids. I am honestly not happy that he has kids at all, and that they spend 50% of the time with us. His kids are great kids, they are well behaved, they are very friendly, they are honestly great kids. Nothing against them personally. I don't bond with kids well, and honestly I almost dread it when it is our week to have them because I really don't want kids around. I have tried bonding with them, but I can't form any connection. It isn't who I am, I just don't do well with kids and would rather not be around them. I have tried, it isn't working. And it keeps getting worse instead of better. I think this may be an even more obvious sign that this won't work. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue before? Could there be a solution, or is this completely doomed?
I feel the exact same way.
The solution = be with someone who doesn’t have little kids and trust me make that a dealbreaker especially if you are under 30
Men with kids are more financially risky because they have to send money out of your household to maintain kids living standards at another household. This could slow down your ability to build wealth (assuming you want to build enough wealth to retire comfortably) especially if you’re expected to use your resources to help take care of his kids.
Unless the dude is making multiple high six figures or more and/or the kids mom is not in the picture to cause disturbances - it’s not worth it to deal with ex wife/baby momma baggage
laurielegs
04-25-2022, 12:20 PM
You should really leave as soon as possible because the longer you stay the more it will cause trauma to those children should they get attached to you. Also why put yourself through the aggravation by staying any longer? He doesn't sound like he is worth it anyway. Way too many red flags.
carmen_b
04-25-2022, 12:23 PM
Mira : any option for a cheap motel or something 3-4 nights when the kids are there?
It could be both a break and unlimited time to cam that day.
If he feel like he would be horrified at that idea then go visit your “ college friend ?” .
techqueen
04-25-2022, 12:25 PM
Men with kids are more financially risky because they have to send money out of your household to maintain kids living standards at another household. This could slow down your ability to build wealth (assuming you want to build enough wealth to retire comfortably) especially if you’re expected to use your resources to help take care of his kids.
I used to think this until I dated a man with a designer shoe addiction. You'd be surprised how reckless childless? men can be.
WonderWoman0642
04-25-2022, 01:01 PM
Another thing, just go get this off my chest too. This is probably a bigger issue than the camming. The kids. I am honestly not happy that he has kids at all, and that they spend 50% of the time with us. His kids are great kids, they are well behaved, they are very friendly, they are honestly great kids. Nothing against them personally. I don't bond with kids well, and honestly I almost dread it when it is our week to have them because I really don't want kids around. I have tried bonding with them, but I can't form any connection. It isn't who I am, I just don't do well with kids and would rather not be around them. I have tried, it isn't working. And it keeps getting worse instead of better. I think this may be an even more obvious sign that this won't work. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue before? Could there be a solution, or is this completely doomed?
I'm sorry, that sounds really stressful. My friend is in the same situation as you. Her boyfriend has 3 kids from his first marriage and she always dreads when they come over. I also agree you should look into getting a motel for a few days, when the kids visit. Or, he can take them out for the day. I just don't think it's okay to stop working or work less hours over this. This is your job. And you say you have this fear of abandonment, but your putting yourself in a worse situation if you quit. I hate that he's saying things like "I'll allow it" because it's really not up to him. It's up to you. It sounds like you're not happy but something is keeping you there.
MiraMichele
04-26-2022, 06:18 PM
I'm really unsure what the issue is with me. I may just lack that motherly instinct towards kids. I'm unsure if that is naturally the way I am or the way I was raised. I believe both play a part. I was always forced tot take care of children even at a young age, through my teenage years and into my early 20's due to living situations. I got to the point that I hated it because I wanted to live, everyone always forced me babysitting their kids so they could have fun, and it wasn't as a job, I had to do it for free. It was my duty. It got old fast. I think that has affected me now to the point I no longer want to be around kids because it brings up those memories. I try, but it doesn't work. I just end up shying away. As much as I want to try to bond with them, I can't and I just get scared. I have tried. I didn't purposely get in this knowing this would happen. Maybe therapy can even correct it. It is worth a try.
miss.a.p1600
04-27-2022, 07:51 AM
I used to think this until I dated a man with a designer shoe addiction. You'd be surprised how reckless childless? men can be.
Yes. This is true. Childless men can be just as reckless and trick off money too on their little vices or habits or whatever.
However, the throwing money out to dependent kids is required and you can convince them to decrease it but you’d be an asshole if you convince them to be deadbeats/eliminate it.
You can convince them to eliminate their costly bad habits but you can’t/shouldn’t convince them to eliminate their child support
If your man sending money out to another household doesn’t phase you/your financial goals then carry on and take care of the kids :)
*when I say you I’m not talking about you specifically I mean women in general
miss.a.p1600
04-27-2022, 08:00 AM
I'm really unsure what the issue is with me. I may just lack that motherly instinct towards kids. I'm unsure if that is naturally the way I am or the way I was raised. I believe both play a part. I was always forced tot take care of children even at a young age, through my teenage years and into my early 20's due to living situations. I got to the point that I hated it because I wanted to live, everyone always forced me babysitting their kids so they could have fun, and it wasn't as a job, I had to do it for free. It was my duty. It got old fast. I think that has affected me now to the point I no longer want to be around kids because it brings up those memories. I try, but it doesn't work. I just end up shying away. As much as I want to try to bond with them, I can't and I just get scared. I have tried. I didn't purposely get in this knowing this would happen. Maybe therapy can even correct it. It is worth a try.
I think the problem arises when men act like they (with their laundry lists of baggage) are the prize.
A lot of these divorced men or baby daddies out here can’t hack it as single parents if their lives depended on it and their main goal is to find a wife to help them pay their bills, cook for them, maintain their home, have endless sex on demand, and take care of THEIR kids.
Now if a man compensates you properly for all this work for him then by all means go ahead but most likely, All of this work will be uncompensated especially if you’re with a man who cheap and/or makes less than high six figures a year.
They put way too much pressure on their partners and spouses to be like surrogate moms and (unless the bio mom is strung out on drugs or in a psych ward) they are wrong to expect this.
In my opinion, they are right to expect their new partner to respect their kids and not abuse or neglect them.
Now anything else is ABOVE AND BEYOND and is optional.
NEVER let these men get over on you by making you feel guilty about want to be a support person not a parent.
carmen_b
04-27-2022, 08:46 AM
Well how much time do you give the kids currently ?
Do you see them EVERY day they are there or do you step out on certain days to give them 4-5 hours with JUST the parent?
If you don't do that already I highly recommend it !
We have J's daughter 3.5 days per week ( one week 3 and the next 4 typically ) and I always try to step out from 3:30 - 7:30 at least ONE day each week. That way they have that full day just themselves ( after her school ends at 3 ).
I'm really unsure what the issue is with me. I may just lack that motherly instinct towards kids. I'm unsure if that is naturally the way I am or the way I was raised. I believe both play a part. I was always forced tot take care of children even at a young age, through my teenage years and into my early 20's due to living situations. I got to the point that I hated it because I wanted to live, everyone always forced me babysitting their kids so they could have fun, and it wasn't as a job, I had to do it for free. It was my duty. It got old fast. I think that has affected me now to the point I no longer want to be around kids because it brings up those memories. I try, but it doesn't work. I just end up shying away. As much as I want to try to bond with them, I can't and I just get scared. I have tried. I didn't purposely get in this knowing this would happen. Maybe therapy can even correct it. It is worth a try.
carmen_b
04-27-2022, 08:49 AM
^ This detail might be in the thread but I hope they are school ages because they should give you at least 8-3 to cam in the house ( hopefully your partner is gone during this time as well ).
You might want to start renting a little office in the evenings sometimes.
Co-office spaces ( where you can rent part time ) are BIG right now.
SnuffleUffleGrass
04-27-2022, 09:03 AM
I'm really unsure what the issue is with me. I may just lack that motherly instinct towards kids. I'm unsure if that is naturally the way I am or the way I was raised. I believe both play a part. I was always forced tot take care of children even at a young age, through my teenage years and into my early 20's due to living situations. I got to the point that I hated it because I wanted to live, everyone always forced me babysitting their kids so they could have fun, and it wasn't as a job, I had to do it for free. It was my duty. It got old fast. I think that has affected me now to the point I no longer want to be around kids because it brings up those memories. I try, but it doesn't work. I just end up shying away. As much as I want to try to bond with them, I can't and I just get scared. I have tried. I didn't purposely get in this knowing this would happen. Maybe therapy can even correct it. It is worth a try.
This is a normal way to feel.
carmen_b
04-27-2022, 09:19 AM
^ Yes, plus I think as sex workers ( former or current ) we tend to HIGHLY value our time.
We can see someone pulling at us for unpaid time as a situation that is not sustainable . That is why I am curious how much time you are giving and if you feel you need to cut back OR are you happy with the amount of time spent with the kids ect. ?
techqueen
04-27-2022, 04:47 PM
I'm really unsure what the issue is with me. I may just lack that motherly instinct towards kids. I'm unsure if that is naturally the way I am or the way I was raised. I believe both play a part. I was always forced tot take care of children even at a young age, through my teenage years and into my early 20's due to living situations. I got to the point that I hated it because I wanted to live, everyone always forced me babysitting their kids so they could have fun, and it wasn't as a job, I had to do it for free. It was my duty. It got old fast. I think that has affected me now to the point I no longer want to be around kids because it brings up those memories. I try, but it doesn't work. I just end up shying away. As much as I want to try to bond with them, I can't and I just get scared. I have tried. I didn't purposely get in this knowing this would happen. Maybe therapy can even correct it. It is worth a try.
All of these eligible bachelors out here and you're really considering therapy to figure out why you're not interested in taking care of someone else's kids? Honey that's normal as fuck and a sign you should move on. It seems you're trying to fit into his life and he's not really doing much to be understanding of your needs so...
WonderWoman0642
04-28-2022, 05:01 AM
I'm really unsure what the issue is with me. I may just lack that motherly instinct towards kids. I'm unsure if that is naturally the way I am or the way I was raised. I believe both play a part. I was always forced tot take care of children even at a young age, through my teenage years and into my early 20's due to living situations. I got to the point that I hated it because I wanted to live, everyone always forced me babysitting their kids so they could have fun, and it wasn't as a job, I had to do it for free. It was my duty. It got old fast. I think that has affected me now to the point I no longer want to be around kids because it brings up those memories. I try, but it doesn't work. I just end up shying away. As much as I want to try to bond with them, I can't and I just get scared. I have tried. I didn't purposely get in this knowing this would happen. Maybe therapy can even correct it. It is worth a try.
There is nothing wrong with you. Not every woman wants to have kids or be around them. Seriously, nothing is wrong with you. It sounds like you're trying to shrink yourself for this guy...that never ends well. Also, men rarely appreciate that kind of sacrifice. He will just get used to you bending over backwards to please him and take advantage of you more.
whirlerz
04-28-2022, 06:21 AM
There is nothing wrong with you. Not every woman wants to have kids or be around them. Seriously, nothing is wrong with you. It sounds like you're trying to shrink yourself for this guy...that never ends well. Also, men rarely appreciate that kind of sacrifice. He will just get used to you bending over backwards to please him and take advantage of you more.
^^^^!
MiraMichele
04-28-2022, 07:58 PM
I think the problem arises when men act like they (with their laundry lists of baggage) are the prize.
A lot of these divorced men or baby daddies out here can’t hack it as single parents if their lives depended on it and their main goal is to find a wife to help them pay their bills, cook for them, maintain their home, have endless sex on demand, and take care of THEIR kids.
This is it. This is what he wants. To the T. We got into an argument tonight, he had some to drink so it all came out. Every single bit of this that you said. According to him, I don't help take care of the kids enough. I don't wake up to take them to school like he wants. I do help as much as I can, but it isn't always possible. When I am working, I stay up very late, sometimes until 5am. When the kids do come I am not, but my sleep schedule can't just change on an instant so a lot of times I am still awake until those hours when they are here. He still asks me to take them but I say I need more rest. He threw that in my face tonight saying that if I loved him and the kids, I'd get up to do it anyways. I do pick them up most days though. Also, he works at home and his job is flexible with knowing he has kids.
He also said I don't help him enough with bills. I need to pay more, and of course if I loved him enough I would. I cook all the time, and I do love cooking so I don't mind. I still don't do enough though apparently. I don't do enough cleaning, if I did then he wouldn't have to do so much laundry. I have asked him to do a fair share of helping with things. Since we both do work, I don't think anything is wrong with that. I don't have a real job though. If I loved him, I would work on getting a better job. And sex, of course I am expected to give him sex every time he wants it as well. If I go even a few days without giving him sex I never hear the end of it. This just keeps getting worse. I have realized I need to leave and think I want to leave now.
MiraMichele
04-28-2022, 08:04 PM
Well how much time do you give the kids currently ?
Do you see them EVERY day they are there or do you step out on certain days to give them 4-5 hours with JUST the parent?
If you don't do that already I highly recommend it !
We have J's daughter 3.5 days per week ( one week 3 and the next 4 typically ) and I always try to step out from 3:30 - 7:30 at least ONE day each week. That way they have that full day just themselves ( after her school ends at 3 ).
I don't take any days that I step out. Honestly when the kids do come here they just want to stay in their rooms and play games after school. On weekends my fiancé usually has some type of fishing tournament to go to so the kids will go to their aunts so they can hang out with their cousins since school is out. I enjoy that because it gives me time to work. I do spend a lot of time in the room when they are here watching movies, or studying so I am not out in the open so much if they do want time together though.
MiraMichele
04-28-2022, 08:06 PM
There is nothing wrong with you. Not every woman wants to have kids or be around them. Seriously, nothing is wrong with you. It sounds like you're trying to shrink yourself for this guy...that never ends well. Also, men rarely appreciate that kind of sacrifice. He will just get used to you bending over backwards to please him and take advantage of you more.
You are completely right as well. That is what I am trying to make myself do. It isn't working, he knows it and he is using it against me. It all came out tonight.
MiraMichele
04-28-2022, 08:27 PM
Sorry to be blowing this up so much but I'm unsure what I should do now. I want to leave, but I have gotten myself in a bad situation. The main issue is I have no car in my name. The car I drive is in his name. He "gave" it to me but never signed it over to me. I wonder why now. /s. I had a car but it was older and I left it sitting for a long time. It had some issues that got much worse after sitting so repair was not an option. I sold it for extremely cheap at that point. So now I feel stuck. I have enough money to probably rent a room somewhere, but definitely not enough for another car yet. My town also doesn't have a public transportation system and I know very few people here. I feel like I have put myself back at square one. Financing a car also won't be an option, my credit isn't great and I haven't been camming again long enough to prove I have enough income. I've screwed myself trusting a man once again. The only thing I can think I may can do is ask him to put that car in my name. The car isn't anything special in the first place. It is a 2009 Nissan and only worth maybe $3,000. He might allow it, maybe he will do it if I say I will make payments to him. He isn't a bad person I don't think, but he has ways he needs to change if he wants a successful relationship. I believe the way he is is due to how he was raised, and the family values that were placed in him. His family comes from Eastern Asia and he is first generation born here, so I don't think it is his fault completely that he is this way.
ggminx
04-28-2022, 09:16 PM
This is it. This is what he wants. To the T. We got into an argument tonight, he had some to drink so it all came out. Every single bit of this that you said. According to him, I don't help take care of the kids enough. I don't wake up to take them to school like he wants. I do help as much as I can, but it isn't always possible. When I am working, I stay up very late, sometimes until 5am. When the kids do come I am not, but my sleep schedule can't just change on an instant so a lot of times I am still awake until those hours when they are here. He still asks me to take them but I say I need more rest. He threw that in my face tonight saying that if I loved him and the kids, I'd get up to do it anyways. I do pick them up most days though. Also, he works at home and his job is flexible with knowing he has kids.
He also said I don't help him enough with bills. I need to pay more, and of course if I loved him enough I would. I cook all the time, and I do love cooking so I don't mind. I still don't do enough though apparently. I don't do enough cleaning, if I did then he wouldn't have to do so much laundry. I have asked him to do a fair share of helping with things. Since we both do work, I don't think anything is wrong with that. I don't have a real job though. If I loved him, I would work on getting a better job. And sex, of course I am expected to give him sex every time he wants it as well. If I go even a few days without giving him sex I never hear the end of it. This just keeps getting worse. I have realized I need to leave and think I want to leave now.
this guy seems to think if you love someone, you become their personal slave. if so, why isn't he your personal slave trying to make sure you're happy in every aspect of your life?
MiraMichele
04-28-2022, 09:26 PM
this guy seems to think if you love someone, you become their personal slave. if so, why isn't he your personal slave trying to make sure you're happy in every aspect of your life?
Good point. I really don't know what is going on through his mind. I need to sacrifice my happiness to make him happy, but what do I get? He has nothing to offer me. He makes $53,000 a year. I'm unsure what kind of life he thinks he can give me and 2 children on that. He pays $600 a month just on their health insurance, He hardly has anything left even after I pay what I pay. Then he has the nerve to tell me he doesn't want me doing this job, that I need to work making slave wages because he can't handle my job. Fuck that.
His ex wife does have half custody of them so there is no child support. They split the cost of most things evenly but for some reason not the health insurance. It is all on him. I have asked why she doesn't cover one child and he covers one, but he can't give me a definite answer. I think that is very unfair. They split each child evenly, I think something that costs as much as their health insurance should be split evenly as well.
ggminx
04-28-2022, 10:34 PM
Sorry to be blowing this up so much but I'm unsure what I should do now. I want to leave, but I have gotten myself in a bad situation. The main issue is I have no car in my name. The car I drive is in his name. He "gave" it to me but never signed it over to me. I wonder why now. /s. I had a car but it was older and I left it sitting for a long time. It had some issues that got much worse after sitting so repair was not an option. I sold it for extremely cheap at that point. So now I feel stuck. I have enough money to probably rent a room somewhere, but definitely not enough for another car yet. My town also doesn't have a public transportation system and I know very few people here. I feel like I have put myself back at square one. Financing a car also won't be an option, my credit isn't great and I haven't been camming again long enough to prove I have enough income. I've screwed myself trusting a man once again. The only thing I can think I may can do is ask him to put that car in my name. The car isn't anything special in the first place. It is a 2009 Nissan and only worth maybe $3,000. He might allow it, maybe he will do it if I say I will make payments to him. He isn't a bad person I don't think, but he has ways he needs to change if he wants a successful relationship. I believe the way he is is due to how he was raised, and the family values that were placed in him. His family comes from Eastern Asia and he is first generation born here, so I don't think it is his fault completely that he is this way.
i would not stay for a $3k value car. draw up a $1 bill of sale, have him sign it, and take it to the dmv (or have him go with you if your state requires it). also, move your stuff to a room you rent asap. and if he doesn't sign over the car, drop it back off after you move your stuff. you'll make a lot more when you're out and can afford your own $3k car with less headache. so what if you have to walk for a few weeks until you can get a car of your own? at least you'll be in peace
also, he's giving you a preview of his expectations before marriage. marriage doesn't make things easier or make things better
he seems quite confident communicating with you what will and will not stand when it comes to being in a relationship with him. let him find another. i hope you can have the same confidence in yourself when it comes to others in what will and will not stand in a relationship with you. these "enough" issues can be severely damaging to self confidence and self esteem. it really doesn't matter if he has "enough" issues with himself, he should not be projecting them on you and transfer the same "enough" issues onto you. how far will you bend yourself for him? giving and receiving should not have guilt, shame, or any other strings attached. it just builds anger and resentment. where is the conflict resolution in this relationship?
WonderWoman0642
04-29-2022, 07:27 AM
^^^I agree with all the above. The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to leave. If there is anyone you could stay with, I would consider staying with them. It is hard to see things clearly when you're in the situation and around the guy a lot. Also, ask yourself where do you want to be 6 months from now? A year? 5 years? He made it clear what his needs are...what are yours?
miss.a.p1600
04-29-2022, 08:24 AM
Sorry to be blowing this up so much but I'm unsure what I should do now. I want to leave, but I have gotten myself in a bad situation. The main issue is I have no car in my name. The car I drive is in his name. He "gave" it to me but never signed it over to me. I wonder why now. /s. I had a car but it was older and I left it sitting for a long time. It had some issues that got much worse after sitting so repair was not an option. I sold it for extremely cheap at that point. So now I feel stuck. I have enough money to probably rent a room somewhere, but definitely not enough for another car yet. My town also doesn't have a public transportation system and I know very few people here. I feel like I have put myself back at square one. Financing a car also won't be an option, my credit isn't great and I haven't been camming again long enough to prove I have enough income. I've screwed myself trusting a man once again. The only thing I can think I may can do is ask him to put that car in my name. The car isn't anything special in the first place. It is a 2009 Nissan and only worth maybe $3,000. He might allow it, maybe he will do it if I say I will make payments to him. He isn't a bad person I don't think, but he has ways he needs to change if he wants a successful relationship. I believe the way he is is due to how he was raised, and the family values that were placed in him. His family comes from Eastern Asia and he is first generation born here, so I don't think it is his fault completely that he is this way.
Yes. Do not ask/tell him ……I’d be like “Bob, go ahead and retitle this car in my name so I can continue helping you transport these kids” - make it easy for you to get out of uncompensated labor. If he needs transportation for his kids tell him to look on care.com and hire a driver or he can call the school district and have the county bus pickup/drop off
Do not pay him a dime for that car! if anything he should be paying you for all the work you e been doing sacrificing for him/his kids. (Remember even if they pay for it you always get assets like cars, condos, apartments etc in YOUR name)
You need to play your role as best as you can so you can stack money and improve your career …. This will make it easier for you to successfully leave and be on your own.
But if you feel like your mental or physical health is in danger then leave asap
carmen_b
04-29-2022, 08:52 AM
Any documentation on the car to prove it's yours ?
You can still leave him despite this hurdle for sure !
carmen_b
04-29-2022, 08:57 AM
I would also stop assisting him with the kids since he isn't treating you well.
It isn't their fault obviously but if you are leaving use your time and energy to stack $ instead of giving time to him.
Tell him a bill came up.
If he makes 53 k and you even make like 30k or more that is enough for a household to run well ( in most areas of the country ).
BUT it's also enough to get some help such as give a little money to car pool the kids with someone else to free up that hour ( your hour driving M - F ) . It's probably enough to have help like cleaners coming every couple of weeks.
I agree with you too. Letting his ex pay nothing on health insurance is a sham since they are 50/50.
That adds up. $3600 a year could be a really nice vacation for you guys.
laurielegs
04-29-2022, 11:17 AM
Sorry to be blowing this up so much but I'm unsure what I should do now. I want to leave, but I have gotten myself in a bad situation. The main issue is I have no car in my name. The car I drive is in his name. He "gave" it to me but never signed it over to me. I wonder why now. /s. I had a car but it was older and I left it sitting for a long time. It had some issues that got much worse after sitting so repair was not an option. I sold it for extremely cheap at that point. So now I feel stuck. I have enough money to probably rent a room somewhere, but definitely not enough for another car yet. My town also doesn't have a public transportation system and I know very few people here. I feel like I have put myself back at square one. Financing a car also won't be an option, my credit isn't great and I haven't been camming again long enough to prove I have enough income. I've screwed myself trusting a man once again. The only thing I can think I may can do is ask him to put that car in my name. The car isn't anything special in the first place. It is a 2009 Nissan and only worth maybe $3,000. He might allow it, maybe he will do it if I say I will make payments to him. He isn't a bad person I don't think, but he has ways he needs to change if he wants a successful relationship. I believe the way he is is due to how he was raised, and the family values that were placed in him. His family comes from Eastern Asia and he is first generation born here, so I don't think it is his fault completely that he is this way.
Yeah if it's not in your name it's not your car. If he really wanted you to have it the car would already be in your name.
I know you think he is not a bad person, but men can quickly turn on you and become a different person when they find out you are leaving. Have a backup plan.
You can totally make it for awhile without a car. Download Uber and Lyft apps to your phone and put in some locations where you might need to go to check prices to give you an idea of cost. An hour or two of camming and your rides plus a nice tip is paid for.
Since the pandemic happened most grocery stores deliver now. I have all my groceries delivered now and it's so convenient. I'd rather spend that time making money than waste my energy hauling groceries. For everything else I use Amazon.
whirlerz
04-29-2022, 03:12 PM
Yeah if it's not in your name it's not your car. If he really wanted you to have it the car would already be in your name.
I know you think he is not a bad person, but men can quickly turn on you and become a different person when they find out you are leaving. Have a backup plan.
You can totally make it for awhile without a car. Download Uber and Lyft apps to your phone and put in some locations where you might need to go to check prices to give you an idea of cost. An hour or two of camming and your rides plus a nice tip is paid for.
Since the pandemic happened most grocery stores deliver now. I have all my groceries delivered now and it's so convenient. I'd rather spend that time making money than waste my energy hauling groceries. For everything else I use Amazon.
Yes, this so much, in bold!
Marina Starr
04-29-2022, 07:42 PM
I don't understand how a man is not a bad person if he treats you bad? Good men treat you good. When a man is genuinely good, he will consistently demonstrates his goodness and never leave you in doubt about it.
I find it sad when women want to paint a different picture of men that show their true colors.