View Full Version : Resenting my fiancé because I'm not able to cam
naomi_doll
06-16-2022, 03:14 AM
He does support me furthering my career, so I do not see that in him. I do want to work in the IT field eventually and he supports that. I don't think he is abusive in this way. I don't think I want to label him as an abuser yet at all, but the way he behaves is getting too controlling. He can't seem to grasp this concept that he can't provide for me, I need to do what I do to make myself happy. I need to be able to provide for myself the best way I can, and the way that makes me the happiest until I can get to where I want to be. I want to work from home in IT. I have extreme anxiety, it makes it difficult for me to function in public. It is the main reason I do this. He can't seem to understand it.
He's definitely abusing you. Here's a book I think will help a lot. - https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I hope you can be free from him soon!
whirlerz
06-16-2022, 07:29 AM
Oh and no, I have not rented that space from him yet. It is still available for me to go there if I need to.
I'd start gradually moving over there, does your home guy ever leave the house?
If he was so supportive, he wouldn't have
outed you to that bitch, who will now stir the pot, he's not concerned about the fall out from that re: his kids?
Controlling is more like it, best of luck to ya tho.
WonderWoman0642
06-16-2022, 08:10 AM
Okay, I'm going to give a quick response but I may add more later. You don't want to label him as an abuser but that mentality is keeping you stuck with him. Him outing you like that is emotional abuse. He does not respect you. AND he backed you into a corner by having his friend side with him-and she's threatening to tell his ex-wife? He is literally inviting drama into your life. Why? Because he needs the attention. It's a form of validation for him. He doesn't care how if effects you-as long as all of your energy is focused on him. This is going to sound harsh but I say it with kindness: You don't owe him shit. He is taking advantage of your kindness. Don't waste your time, your energy, your pretty. I'm telling you-I put my ex before my job. I made him my world. And he didn't give a shit-he ghosted me and ended things in the cruelest way possible. Men think nothing of leaving us. And even if this doesn't happen, are you happy? Are you accomplishing your goals? Is he lifting you up or pushing down?
WonderWoman0642
06-16-2022, 08:26 AM
I just read over this again and I feel like you're struggling with calling him an abuser. I get it. So lets go by what he did-he outed you as a sex worker. That's a horrible thing to do. Period. It's disrespectful. He is supposed to your fiance. You're supposed to be a team. How bad does it have to be before you decide to move on? Take advantage of this form. So many ladies have been in similar situations. Guess what? We are all happier now that we are out of the toxic relationship :)
MelanieJ
06-16-2022, 08:59 AM
I'm a hard ass, so don't take this personally when I say this but...
Fuck him. If I had $10 dollars for every time I heard a story of a woman trading her financial freedom for a relationship, and it NOT working out, I'd probably be retired.
Men come and go, financial freedom and simply the freedom to be YOU and do what makes YOU feel fulfilled is priceless. I promise you. I was somewhat in the same boat, except I made a decision to leave my husband already. When he was gone to work from 9AM - 3PM, I had my happy ass on CAM and was making BANK right under his nose. That feeling alone told me all I needed to know. Having the power to make an income on my own time and MY rules is something I refused to trade for anything in the world. Especially a man.
I don't know how much you value this relationship to trade it for your freedom, but I'd choose the latter. He met you as a sex worker. Why should you change for him?
whirlerz
06-16-2022, 09:00 AM
Okay, I'm going to give a quick response but I may add more later. You don't want to label him as an abuser but that mentality is keeping you stuck with him. Him outing you like that is emotional abuse. He does not respect you. AND he backed you into a corner by having his friend side with him-and she's threatening to tell his ex-wife? He is literally inviting drama into your life. Why? Because he needs the attention. It's a form of validation for him. He doesn't care how if effects you-as long as all of your energy is focused on him. This is going to sound harsh but I say it with kindness: You don't owe him shit. He is taking advantage of your kindness. Don't waste your time, your energy, your pretty. I'm telling you-I put my ex before my job. I made him my world. And he didn't give a shit-he ghosted me and ended things in the cruelest way possible. Men think nothing of leaving us. And even if this doesn't happen, are you happy? Are you accomplishing your goals? Is he lifting you up or pushing down?
YES!^
I remember leaving my ex, my car broke down in the middle of the fucking street, he couldn't be bothered w/me?
Btw, he was a mechanic.
Sam38g
06-16-2022, 09:30 AM
Yes I will give updates. Sorry it has been so long. I just keep trying to avoid what this is turning into but it keeps getting worse. This also means that I have been avoiding this, all of the advice you ladies are giving me too. I'm just scared. I'm terrified to leave, I do love him (I don't really know why). It is going to hurt and I am scared of facing that again. I just need to face it though. After the other night should be my wake up call. I'll tell this story.
He has a close female friend. We hang out with her often, I had thought we had became close friends but no. I'll try to explain this the best way I can without dragging it out too much (I'm bad at that). My fiance took out a loan last year to pay for a medical procedure, a serious medical procedure. I was able to get half of it done and found out he had spent it all. This got brought up while we were hanging out with this "friend". I have been pretty upset after finding out he spent all of this money that he promised he took out to help me. He acted like it wasn't a big deal, then told his friend and they both ganged up on me, basically calling me a piece of shit for depending on him to give me that money when I should work for it myself. I have been working for it myself since he spent it all, camming. He straight up outed me to this woman about me camming to make me look bad, because of course "I" am the piece of shit here. This woman is not the person to tell, she has a huge mouth and she started saying she is going to tell his kids mom about this. She told me the kids can be taken away from my fiancé for this, and that she is going to tell his ex wife. The next day I asked why he did this and he said because me camming is hurting him. He is basically trying to guilt trip me into stopping. He knows I don't want to blame myself if his kids do get taken away so he thinks that will make me stop.
You say that you love him, but it is obvious that he does NOT love you. He took out that loan to look good, but never planned to help you. But used it as a weapon to guilt you, then he outed you. When he outed you, it was him telling you to your face that you can never trust or know that he will have your back. If custody of his kids was truly at risk then he would have never moved you in. It is once again a ploy to guilt you, to have something to hold over your head.
Love is about trust, keeping your word to each other, and having each other's back. He throws you under the bus every chance he gets while gaslighting you and saying it is for your own good. Even if you got a normal job, he would find something else to guilt & gas light you over. Men do this to women all the time, no matter how they earn money or even if they are a stay at home mother. There is no winning, he is only happy with you being miserable.
Please seek therapy for yourself. Call up Pineapple support or someone and get help. You don't to read this thread because it confirms what you know it right. And love isn't all that, one must be practical. Cause do you really want to be this miserable for the next ten to 30 years? Men are easily replaced.
xxxGothBarbie
06-16-2022, 11:02 AM
Mira,
My asshole ex outed me to everyone both he & I knew personally & I hated him for it. That to me was the end of that. He outed you bc he has zero respect for you & or your job. Besides that, this "friend" of his needs to mind her damn business regardless what he's told her. He can't stand it that you have a form of independence, this is why he is starting to abuse you more mentally & emotionally. When I finally stood up to my asshole ex that outed me about camming, I embraced it & the money, Guess what? He went into a narcissistic rage and started getting physical with me. Just please keep making money & stashing it bc you never know if/when you may need to run out in the middle of the night. Good luck to you <3
carmen_b
06-16-2022, 11:27 AM
Outing you is enough to leave him.
It’s abusive.
Trust is the relationship foundation.
laurielegs
06-16-2022, 12:12 PM
I was just about to say what Sam said. You love him? So what. He does not love you. Not at all. Everything he is doing is the opposite of love.
Love yourself enough to get away from this asshole! It may hurt for awhile (and probably not as long as you think it will) but a year later you'll look back and ask yourself "what was I thinking!" I left a bad marriage after years and years and it was like a ton of bricks was removed from my back.
I'm taking steps to go into IT also but am using camming to support myself in the meantime and it's a great combination. I may still do clips when I finish because that's the part I enjoy most. You can do this!!! find a way to get out on your own as fast as you can.
Cutie101
06-16-2022, 01:40 PM
What exactly you love about this guy? The fear he puts in you? The pain? The eggshels you gotta walk around him? The control? The disrespect? The way he is putting you down? The fact he is breaking your trust by outing you? The lack of support? The fact that he doesn't provide shit? The fact that he's not even emotionally there with you?
Please tell me 5 legit reasons for why you love this guy.
Let me tell you. You don't love him. You're afraid to be alone. But the only way you can hurt and disrespect yourself is by keep staying with this asshole. YOU alone can't hurt yourself. You alone can grow and support yourself way more and way better than this walking bag of dicks. Gather your courage and leave. Put your big girl pants up and go out of that situation, it's not gonna end better.
Marina Starr
06-16-2022, 02:30 PM
You love the person you wished he were but he ain't. Love doesn't mean putting up with abuse or ignoring toxic behavior.
Marina Starr
06-18-2022, 02:50 PM
I wish that women would avoid toxic men who are detriment for them as they'd avoid food that are bad for them.
Sam38g
06-19-2022, 11:14 AM
Even if you don't leave him... PLEASE SEEK THERAPY FOR YOUR ANXIETY. Deal with that issue, so then you can have a better life with or without him.
whirlerz
06-19-2022, 01:20 PM
Even if you don't leave him... PLEASE SEEK THERAPY FOR YOUR ANXIETY. Deal with that issue, so then you can have a better life with or without him.
Yea, but LEAVE him tho!
whirlerz
07-03-2022, 09:07 AM
What is new/going on w/this?
Thank you.
ggminx
07-07-2022, 12:27 AM
Yes I will give updates. Sorry it has been so long. I just keep trying to avoid what this is turning into but it keeps getting worse. This also means that I have been avoiding this, all of the advice you ladies are giving me too. I'm just scared. I'm terrified to leave, I do love him (I don't really know why). It is going to hurt and I am scared of facing that again. I just need to face it though. After the other night should be my wake up call. I'll tell this story.
He has a close female friend. We hang out with her often, I had thought we had became close friends but no. I'll try to explain this the best way I can without dragging it out too much (I'm bad at that). My fiance took out a loan last year to pay for a medical procedure, a serious medical procedure. I was able to get half of it done and found out he had spent it all. This got brought up while we were hanging out with this "friend". I have been pretty upset after finding out he spent all of this money that he promised he took out to help me. He acted like it wasn't a big deal, then told his friend and they both ganged up on me, basically calling me a piece of shit for depending on him to give me that money when I should work for it myself. I have been working for it myself since he spent it all, camming. He straight up outed me to this woman about me camming to make me look bad, because of course "I" am the piece of shit here. This woman is not the person to tell, she has a huge mouth and she started saying she is going to tell his kids mom about this. She told me the kids can be taken away from my fiancé for this, and that she is going to tell his ex wife. The next day I asked why he did this and he said because me camming is hurting him. He is basically trying to guilt trip me into stopping. He knows I don't want to blame myself if his kids do get taken away so he thinks that will make me stop.
He does support me furthering my career, so I do not see that in him. I do want to work in the IT field eventually and he supports that. I don't think he is abusive in this way. I don't think I want to label him as an abuser yet at all, but the way he behaves is getting too controlling. He can't seem to grasp this concept that he can't provide for me, I need to do what I do to make myself happy. I need to be able to provide for myself the best way I can, and the way that makes me the happiest until I can get to where I want to be. I want to work from home in IT. I have extreme anxiety, it makes it difficult for me to function in public. It is the main reason I do this. He can't seem to understand it.
Hi Mira,
I hope you're doing ok. Being terrified and scared can't feel good. I would be too if I were in the same situation as you right now.
1. You have your fiancée there telling you he supports you furthering your career as a WAH IT person, however his way of "supporting" sounds like the opposite of support. It sounds so scary and terrifying, it can't help but make your extreme anxiety even more amplified. I don't have anxiety, but reading your posts definitely builds it up in me.
I don't quite fully understand what you have to do for him to support you in becoming a WAH IT person. Why you have to do so in a certain way (e.g. the 5am hourly job or non-adult work) to gain his support is confusing to say the least. If you're doing it in a way he does not approve, why must he shame, guilt, and out you? Is that how he knows how to support someone that wants to further their career if they don't do it in the exact way he thinks they should do it?
You already told him your goal and how you plan to go about achieving it. You were already in the adult industry when you met. You are in the adult industry now. You plan to be in the adult industry until you achieve your WAH IT person dream. Many people do this whether it's nursing, lawyer, politican...name the career, there's an adult industry worker that has made the shift! Many people choose the adult industry to carve their true career path for different reasons, the hours, the money, the ability to concentrate on their studies, not struggle financially while getting their education in the new career, etc.
He's making the journey more arduous than it would be IF he were loving and kind while you make it where you want to be. I think it would be tough to study and retain what you learn under these conditions.
2. He outed you to his "friend" and she is threatening to tell the ex-wife so her "friend's" children are at risk of a change in custody agreement...and they both say it is specifically because of you...not because of him outing you to his "friend" and the "friend's" choice to tell the ex-wife.
Many mothers are cam models. Some have gone through divorce and their exes have told the court in the hopes of gaining sole or majority custody with it backfiring and the judge ruling being a cam model is a legitimate WAH job, just keep the toys inaccessible to the minors. It is most certainly not a reason to have a parent's custody revoked or even minimized. You can read through actual experiences here on the SW forum!
It sounds like he is trying to make you think he will lose his right to be a father because of your camming/stripping...that he would not be at fault at all...you would.
This incident screams/reeks of "look what YOU made/are making me do" or "look what YOU made/are making happen." It makes it worse he has gotten an assistant so they can do his bidding on you together! If anything, this shows his friend should not be trusted as a friend if she is actually willing to out him to the ex (which I highly doubt)...and I'm not too sure about your fiancée either because of the lengths he is willing to go to make you do something HIS way.
3. Because he took out a loan to help you with your medical procedure, you believe he must love you even though he spent the money on things other than your medical procedure and you had to pay and are working on paying for said procedure yourself. It's a very loving act in itself that has been twisted into something else entirely.
You have every right to be upset if your future husband promised to help you financially on an important medical procedure then spent the funds on other things without telling you. For you to be shamed and guilted by him and his "friend" instead of holding a discussion privately like adults with your future husband on the break in trust caused by his actions is shameful in itself. There are many threads in the AITA subreddit on situations just like these. I was reading one this morning where the husband spent all his savings on land and hunting gear when he and his spouse were supposed to be using their savings on family and he expects her to now pick up all the family bills.
Your fiancée is showing you the proof that you cannot count on his promise of financial or emotional support and behaves in an even more outlandish way when you counted on him.
4. If you were to get a non-adult job making less and having to work more while studying for your new career path, what would happen if the two of you could not afford the rent on this 3 bedroom place and needed to downsize? Generally, when we start a new career path, the earnings are lower. Adult industry work can help you to build savings to cover this period while you are striving to earn more in your prospective field.
I hope you think about what love really is and what it really is that you have with your fiancée because it does not sound like love, support, kindness, respect, empathy, or compassion.
As an aside:
I was in a very similar situation when I was with my uni boyfriend, although no children were involved. He held marriage over my head while tearing me down trying to get me to quit the adult industry (dancing). He was off traveling with his family when I lost my temp job to a permanent new hire and the temp agency had no other work for me. He didn't leave savings to pay the rent or any bills. I was just there on my own to handle it all. I applied many places and a neighbor introduced me to daytime dancing at the club.
When my partner found out, he told me he'd rather come back to me living in a cardboard box than dancing. He told me only stupid girls with no mental capacity to find a proper line of work should be dancing and I was smarter than that. He told me I didn't know how to make friends. One time (since the club didn't know him), he came and sat in front of my stage while I was on set!
When I finally broke it off with him 7 YEARS LATER, it was because I got pregnant and when I told him over the phone, I headed over to his place and when I arrived, he had already called the clinic to get it taken care of. In the following weeks, he would take off to hang out with friends we made plans with together to drink and hang out without me. I finally had enough of being treated like dirt.
A relationship is about TWO people mutually respecting each other, having compassion and empathy for one another, for having kindness for each other.
I'm not sure I see those qualities in your fiancée, not with what you have written. It sure sounds like you do for him though! You're bending over backwards showing him.
Relationships are not a power play or to see who can control the other to get them to do what you want, how you want, when you want or any derivative there between.
Think about what you want in your life and the type of person you want in your life. Does the person who you are with now embody these qualities?
You cannot change him into who you want him to be just the same as he cannot change you into who he wants you to be.
ETA section:
I just wanted to add on your finally statement about him not understanding.
We do not have to understand anything in order to be kind, loving, respectful, compassionate, and empathetic. Why would not understanding something or someone make a person less kind, loving, respectful, compassionate, and less empathetic?
When we do not understand something, embodying these exact qualities is what helps us to gain understanding. And if we are still unable to attain understanding, embodying these qualities helps the situation/person that is not understood.
whirlerz
07-18-2022, 12:59 AM
Holy Wall of Text^
Good points tho!
Anyway, what's up w/this, Mira M?
carmen_b
07-18-2022, 07:12 AM
Mira : Did you get out ?
whirlerz
07-18-2022, 10:27 AM
Update pls!
WonderWoman0642
07-19-2022, 08:09 AM
Hope you're okay!
whirlerz
08-28-2022, 07:12 AM
Yeah, I'd love to know what's up!