View Full Version : The Step Parent Corner …… rant, brag, shine, or cry here
carmen_b
07-31-2022, 12:42 PM
^ From what I see in other forums it's scattered across the board.
Some don't ask their partner for ANYTHING ( yeah to YOU ..... hot trophy dudes .... .get those dicks out lol ) !!
Some ask for a little help ..... or medium.
Some *assume* free childcare help and that *isn't* good.
It causes a lot of problems with partners. At times women might not mind ....... but I think these women personally don't think things through.
IF you suddenly offer free child care to just help him out ..... please don't do it until you schedule YOUR work goals. If feel like you see many women pinned in shitty situations not able to " escape " their partners . The partner hands them so much to do and doesn't offer payment other than covering housing and bills . NEVER ever ever be in a situation like that . It's also a risk to have a hole in your resume ( those doing the stay at home thing ). Ok ..... now you just took on the risk of impacting your income LATER . You could have had a raise by now ect. ( 2-3 years later ) but now you have a hole in a your resume. It creates hardship where there shouldn't be !
.....
Obviously the 4th category for discussion is the abusive guy. I see this on another site here and there. The guy outright asks a woman to cut her work hours back or stop working . NO. That is abuse UNLESS he is HANDING you more than you made at your job. You might have reason for wanting to work ( intellect stimulation, liking what you do , simply wanting to be out of the house, or just wanting that 8 hours as adults only ).
Pushing from the guy to just " support his life " is a common sign of abuse .
carmen_b
07-31-2022, 12:48 PM
^ I'd probably let it slide.
I mean if she *typically* has them 5 nights .....
I know you said L had been going and poaching that third day haha but at least she has them at night that third day.
Him having three evenings should be the exception not the rule since he is paying the support now.
miss.a.p1600
07-31-2022, 12:48 PM
^i agree.
I think even ladies who are homemakers should turn THAT into something they can profit from (ex publish cookbooks, or have other kids over and make a daycare, etc)
Like ALWAYS have *something* to use as a skill that can be developed and charged money for.
So any gaps in between employment will look much better when your improving yourself, giving value to the community, etc vs sitting at home watching soap opera eating bon bons all day
Aurora_Sunset
07-31-2022, 12:50 PM
I'm already annoyed that having stepdaughter over Friday night and part of Saturday for her birthday, then having Saturday night for date-night and Sunday to ourselves turned into having her Saturday night and today. All because bio-mom "read her calendar wrong" and realized her reservation for her birthday party downtown was for 1pm, not 4pm yesterday. How do you get that wrong? Bitch, didn't you MAKE the reservation? We've been planning this for 3 weeks - how do you just realize this 2 nights before? This was literally the second to last time we would've had a Saturday evening to ourselves to go out before my husband starts his new shitty work rotation after Labor Day. The next weekend we'll have a Saturday night for date night is Aug. 27th. And that's the final time.
Not only that, but he said he was taking her home by 4. It's 3:45 and I don't hear anyone getting ready. She hasn't even spent the last 3 hours with us - she's been in her room with the door closed. I don't care if they want to hole up in their rooms when it's their normal weekend/custody time here, but it drives me crazy when we have just one of them for extra time and then we're held captive in this house when they don't even want to spend family time together.... If they just want to sit in a room alone, they can do that at their mom's house during what is supposed to be her parenting time anyway.
He told her earlier that we would all go for ice cream on the way back to her mom's. I hope she either says she's not hungry and doesn't want it, or he says never mind, it's too late, we'll do it next weekend. I don't want ice cream. I just want the rest of our evening.
I rescind my props to husband for not allowing his son over here last night, because he let his ex pull this dumb last-minute shit that ruined everything anyway. I've just been nice about it, because it's her birthday. But I've definitely been petty about going to the bedroom by myself whenever she closes herself in hers instead of hanging out with him.
carmen_b
07-31-2022, 12:54 PM
I think I am just shocked by how many women ( in this day and age ) just kind of get by week to week / month to month and don't really have their OWN investments. Like ...... if you share account there is risk your partner could just go off the rails, cut you out, ect. !
Just eliminate the risk of THAT at least.
Share an account for week to week life .... fine.
Have your own access to things though as well.
^i agree.
I think even ladies who are homemakers should turn THAT into something they can profit from (ex publish cookbooks, or have other kids over and make a daycare, etc)
Like ALWAYS have *something* to use as a skill that can be developed and charged money for.
So any gaps in between employment will look much better when your improving yourself, giving value to the community, etc vs sitting at home watching soap opera eating bon bons all day
carmen_b
07-31-2022, 12:59 PM
Aurora :
Do they have the custody app ?
They can program the exact schedule in.
I would talk to your husband about the next short notice change request and that you WON'T approve it.
Changes should be a week ahead MINIMUM . He can even fire an email or text off with a " recap " of the times a week out.
If a change is requested the answer should be " we need to stick to what is scheduled " .
If he feels it's harsh he can let her know in advance that " my schedule is becoming more complex so changes need to be a week out minimum ".
miss.a.p1600
07-31-2022, 01:05 PM
^aurora, i hate when I get the 52-fake out - you probably could have gotten dressed and went on date night solo anyways. Not your fault he agreed to something last minute and backtracked on his word.
Maybe because he didnÂ’t make any reservations or set anything in stone he thought it was okay
Carmen I think the men think we adults can handle the disappointment better than the kids so they’d rather tell us no than the kids. Also it’s really hard to tell one kid “no little Johnny you can’t go over there” when his sibling is already over there. And there’s no reason to tell him no other than “your moms a numbskull and can’t figure out to work a basic calendar”
Having two kids is even more of a challenge than one sometimes
But yeah I’d make a mental note and be like “this the last spontaneous add-in to our schedule for the next month or however long, unless someone is bleeding out then then I’d rather stick to the planned schedule”. So I agree with you Carmen in letting them know how important planning and scheduling is.
carmen_b
07-31-2022, 01:28 PM
^ Yes I really just meant for next time.
That way a standard is set that short notice is NOT a thing anymore.
Making a mistake with the calendar is on YOU ( call in friends or family ).
miss.a.p1600
07-31-2022, 01:52 PM
^let me add that to the list of how divorced dads can redeem themselves.
Please see #6-9
Lol!
carmen_b
08-01-2022, 07:05 AM
Damn the higher elevation life is where it's at haha.
Dog and I would stay a couple more days if it didn't make it so I didn't see J for 10 days lol !
If I return today at least I'll see him 3 nights out of 10 haha.
https://i.ibb.co/JcD8wmP/7231-F1-DD-CD9-C-456-A-A863-53-CEF52834-D0.jpg (https://ibb.co/p1YNBbp)
miss.a.p1600
08-01-2022, 07:07 AM
L has covid.
I feel cunty saying this but I wish it would have started last week so I could have a verifiable way to get out of the drug test and his quarantine would hit during his parenting weekend.
carmen_b
08-01-2022, 07:09 AM
I hope it’s easy. Some people only get sick a couple days.
Maybe designate your house as a no go zone next 7 days till he tests negative haha?
^ I was sneezing like hell 3-4 days ago and I was like “ oh if it’s covid Js daughter could stay at her Moms for the 5 days coming up “. I was looking around the house for a test haha.
I was just totally desperate for quiet at that point and am doing better now.
:/
miss.a.p1600
08-01-2022, 10:57 AM
Damn the higher elevation life is where it's at haha.
Dog and I would stay a couple more days if it didn't make it so I didn't see J for 10 days lol !
If I return today at least I'll see him 3 nights out of 10 haha.
https://i.ibb.co/JcD8wmP/7231-F1-DD-CD9-C-456-A-A863-53-CEF52834-D0.jpg (https://ibb.co/p1YNBbp)
looks peaceful with nice forest view
miss.a.p1600
08-01-2022, 11:00 AM
I hope it’s easy. Some people only get sick a couple days.
Maybe designate your house as a no go zone next 7 days till he tests negative haha?
^ I was sneezing like hell 3-4 days ago and I was like “ oh if it’s covid Js daughter could stay at her Moms for the 5 days coming up “. I was looking around the house for a test haha.
I was just totally desperate for quiet at that point and am doing better now.
:/
yeah i kept telling him as long as he has symptoms he is contagious and to stop roaming all over the house because I have to sanitize everything every time he does.
a little pissed that it took 2 days, one false negative, and an actual positive test for him to really take it seriously
His kids definitely aren’t coming over - this is technically his workdays plus he really doesn’t want them to get sick.
I halfway think he care more about infecting them than he cares about infecting me with it.
i WILL decline sex for weeks if he spread his pathogens to me because I knew he was sick but he chose to stay in denial and subject me to his germs.
Lol @ the things/thoughts people come up with when they’re feeling like they’re at the edge of their limits
Aurora_Sunset
08-02-2022, 05:29 AM
Echoing the sentiment of other ladies that I'm ready for summer to be over. My husband just always seems to think that summer means we should spend ALL free time with the kids. I usually let him do whatever the first couple months, because, fine, I get wanting to take advantage of summer to spend some extra time with them. That's nice, in my book, even if I personally don't really enjoy it. Oh well.
But he always needs to be reminded toward August that, hey, we have needs as a couple too. Just because the kids have all this free time during the summer doesn't mean that WE do. OUR schedules don't change at all. So, giving extra days and weekends to the kids means we're just sacrificing any and all of the small amounts of free time to them and giving up all our relationship time as well. You can't just do that for months on end.
He came home the other night saying that he thought we should have the kids every weekend in August until they start school. I was like, "Uhh.... well, we already have them 2 out of 4. We have a family vacation one of the weekends we don't. And then the 4th weekend is literally our LAST time to go out as a couple before you start your new work schedule.... sooo... do you plan on not going on the family vacation or do you just not care about spending time with me? Because that's the entire reason I was annoyed by the last-minute change this weekend." I had to spell out for him that we HAVE had them every single weekend this summer aside from when I had COVID and the weekend they were supposed to go out of town with their mom. Only one of those weekends was a time we could spend together. And I know for a fact that, after their trip was cancelled, if we hadn't already booked things that cost MONEY, he would have gone and picked them up that weekend too.
He acted all huffy that I was insisting he save that ONE weekend for us instead of promising it as extra time for the kids. I was like, not to be bitchy and 'cruel,' but even after you start work, you'll still have them every single day that's promised to them. But, once you start work, I will barely see you at all. Maybe I should get the extra weekend in summer instead of them? It's not like they haven't gotten any extra time here the past 2 months.
Aurora_Sunset
08-02-2022, 05:38 AM
Add to that the fact that he's apparently off telling bio-mom that we're definitely planning to move closer to them when our lease is up in January...
First of all, we don't know that we're moving in January. I brought up trying to rent a house, as a suggestion a few weeks ago, but that heavily depends on what our finances are like around the holidays and what's available and affordable. He just ran with the idea and is convinced we're doing this now. I don't want to commit to the idea if it seems like it would be more financially prudent to hold off here another year.
Secondly, when we were talking about it amongst ourselves, I specifically brought up that I wanted to pick a side of town to live in and stay there, because I'm sick of moving around. He's convinced we need to move to the north side of town to be near the kids. I told him that I honestly prefer the south side (where we are now). It's cheaper and feels like it has more amenities that aren't just overpriced bars and gourmet burger joints. I also pointed out that the whole reason we moved down here in the first place was because bio-mom was supposed be moving the kids down here. But that changed when she divorced dickhead step-dad. Now, both my husband and her are saying that she's never moving and she'll be north for good. Well, how does anyone know that? Say we move back up there and 2 years from now, she meets a new guy that wants her to move south for whatever reason. I told my husband that we need to stop basing our location on her and the kids, because she's just always going to do what she wants to do with no regard for how it screws us up. We need to just pick where WE want to live, based on OUR needs, and we'll figure it out. It's not like we're ever that far away that we can't do our custody arrangement. But we can't keep living our lives chasing her around the city.
Like, I literally can't get him to understand that, down here, he's really close to his job. And he'll go, "Yeah, I don't mind driving farther to work." But he'll complain about having to drive farther to pick up and drop off the kids? Honey, which do you MORE OFTEN? Pick up the kids or go to work every fucking day? Why would you rather commute more to work 80% of the time just so you have a shorter drive 20% of the time when we have the kids?
Really annoyed that he apparently didn't listen to anything I said in that conversation and just decided this on his own, off telling bio-mom and the kids that things will be different in January.... Like, no, this wasn't a MADE decision by BOTH of us yet.
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 05:45 AM
^Let me tell you now.
If y’all move closer to his kids and ex wife.
Welcome to the world of random drop offs and MORE custody time.
If his ex wife is anything like Rasputia, the fact y’all will be right around the corner will make it EASIER for her to back out of taking care of her kids when it’s convenient for her and drop them off to your house on a whim. Because why not?!? You’re just a block away.
Anytime the kids forget anything be prepared to drive back n forth
Anytime the kids change their minds, be prepared to drive back and forth
Trust me. Moving closer WILL eventually grate your nerves.
Don’t do it girl!
Yeah I’d be irritated to he told the ex that like he’s seriously committed to it and he didn’t think about your very valid points.
Aurora_Sunset
08-02-2022, 05:59 AM
^Let me tell you now.
If y’all move closer to his kids and ex wife.
Welcome to the world of random drop offs and MORE custody time.
If his ex wife is anything like Rasputia, the fact y’all will be right around the corner will make it EASIER for her to back out of taking care of her kids when it’s convenient for her and drop them off to your house on a whim. Because why not?!? You’re just a block away.
Anytime the kids forget anything be prepared to drive back n forth
Anytime the kids change their minds, be prepared to drive back and forth
Trust me. Moving closer WILL eventually grate your nerves.
Don’t do it girl!
Girl, I KNOW that's the entire reason he WANTS to do it!
He was apparently telling her that once we move closer, he can pick them up "for a few hours" here and there, saying it would be easier to do mid-week visits for a few hours at a time or keep them longer or do random overnights if we lived 10-15 minutes down the street instead of the other side of town. He apparently even was saying that I could come pick them up on my way home from work??? Like, thanks for volunteering me when I'm not even there...
I KNOW that if we lived right down the street, this bitch would be calling him up every single night wanting us to take them after school, feed them, and get them ready for bed, only to call them back right at bedtime (so it can't count as an 'overnight' and affect her child support). He went into this major "divorced dad guilt" mode when talking to her on Sunday, because she came out saying that stepson really misses him right now. So, now, he's promising that we'll move closer and have all this extra time. I guarantee if we actually do it, he won't actually WANT to do it as often as she'll push for it - and he'll get all annoyed by the fact that she'll start to expect it constantly. But I don't know what he thinks is gonna happen? 2 summers ago, we literally had the kids every. single day and night that we didn't work. And when we set a boundary, 3 months in, that we couldn't keep them one measly extra night (that we weren't supposed to have them anyway), this is the bitch that threw a MULTI-DAY tantrum over it, and pulled every trick in the book, including saying shitty things in the background to make her own kids cry on Facetime, to try to guilt-trip him. You give her an inch, she takes 10 miles. He KNOWS that. Hell, she already does it. This isn't gonna be some even-split thing, with her respecting our boundaries or when we occasionally tell her no if we moved down the street. He's delusional if he thinks that.
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 06:07 AM
Omg
He trying to be “super dad” and doesn’t realize the repercussions of how fast he will burn out. Then he will feel even more guilty promising something he can’t deliver.
And why tf would he volunteer YOUR time (after work of all times when most people want to unwind and relax)?!? Because as soon as he gets burned out trying to be super dad, now YOU can fill in for him.
Yes. He is deluding himself rn.
And you’re right aurora it won’t be an even split. It sounds like it will be something L is doing right now…..70% of the work (in the form of transportation and scheduled visitation) but since the kids “stay with their mom at night” it’s assumed she’s doing majority of the childcare and he will still pay her child support.
It’s totally inefficient and the dudes can’t see the forest from the tress because they’re operating out of guilt not out of common sense, effective financial planning, precise scheduling, or efficiency
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 06:13 AM
Ls ex wife does THE exact same thing.
Anytime L upholds a reasonable boundaries she sends her kids to come crying and running guilt trips on him.
Manipulative bitch!
One time I saw his daughter running guilt trips on him by sending pics of herself crying and looking like she was being held hostage. I wanted to snatch his phone and reply back “girl stop. And do what I told you to do”
Aurora_Sunset
08-02-2022, 07:15 AM
Like, I'm not even adamantly against the idea of the occasional mid-week visit or a few extra hours or a day here and there. It's just the fact that I don't want it to become an expected thing all the time. And we KNOW, from almost 4 years of dealing with her shit, that you cannot set a precedent with her and give her anything, otherwise it's a huge fight when we try to reassert reasonable boundaries. If she were the type of person who would only ask occasionally and respect when we said no, then fine, I'd be open to the idea of moving closer and being more flexible. But saying yes once or twice turns into her expecting it all the time, DEMANDING a reason that's "good enough for her" if we say no, and putting her own kids through the emotional ringer in order to guilt-trip their dad into changing his stance.
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 07:20 AM
^ Aurora :
I'm sorry to hear your dude jumped on the guilt train.
It's a hard ride to watch haha !
So you had like 8 weekends in a row ?
YES ..... you deserve on to yourselves especially if you work M - F typically.
Goodness. I think that is what women hate about this situation. Like ... there can only be so much " advocacy " for yourself.
" Please remember I'm here and don't treat me poorly " .
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 07:20 AM
^^ Obviously I'm in agreement of some separation.
If you live at least 15-20 min. apart then at least there will be some planning involved in visits.
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 07:27 AM
So I have an " onion " of irritation to peel back.
The first is that I truly believe I should be traveling WITH J on this Aug. 4-8 day duration.
I understand why he didn't get me the ticket.
It's a band he loves and he lines up super early so the day isn't just 4 hours for a concert .
He will dedicate like 8 hours including his line up early and camp out thing. I would have just let him do it though haha !
It's in Atlantic City so I could have puttered around and gambled and found spas ect. !
I would have ZERO intention of pulling him away from the band during the three days.
I'm completely " get it " that it absorbs the entire 4p.m. to midnight or so range !
BUT .... maybe it's for the best.
I have a client to work over the weekend that is a $1600 profit amount to my business.
I could have pulled it off assigning someone else to go out on site though ( I would have made less but still made $1200 ish with another person assigned on site instead of me ) .
^ Anyway ..... that is layer 1 .
Layer 2 is that this trip is looming and he scheduled 5 days with his daughter before the 5 day trip and then 3 days RIGHT after.
Like ...... he REALLY didn't think that giving us at least a FULL day prior to this trip would have been good ?
I specifically asked him to schedule a day or two for just us after the trip but his ex was traveling.
Ok ..... then schedule it BEFORE .
I mean ...... I think we will survive this IF it is not an overall trend.
If it is a new trend it is VERY concerning.
I am going to start each day in the next 9 days with yoga and a meditation.
It just seemed like I'm only one scrambling to try to make sure we have days scheduled when really prior to this month he never made me feel like that.
He did create a " window " today for just us 2:30 - 5:30 which is better than nothing but it is literally ALMOST nothing.
I probably won't have the heart to do it but I almost want to not give him any attention during that scrap of a window to prove a point.
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 07:36 AM
^ On the flip side, 5 days here solo is a chance to just chill and get a lot done !
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 07:40 AM
You can see that trend in your posts. That is why I think you should SHUT DOWN the short notice requests.
Create a new trend where you never make short notice changes. THAT should be the new vibe.
Where you guys have sloppy schedules I just have A HIGH VOLUME of the kid being here ha.
It's precise and I know the *exact* times ...... but it feels like she is here constantly.
I think J did not realize how much his solo work trip left us very LITTLE time in July ( I survived that one just fine ).
Since he traveled 6 days that only left 9 days left for the two of us in July.
The 24 days he WAS on the ground his daughter was here 15 of them.
The repeat of it in August is a little much. I just really wish we had a month of " normal " between. I actually lost track a little . It might have actually been only 8 days for just us in July.
I hate that feeling of " fighting " for time with your partner.
I kind of just refuse to fight. If it's not just *given* to me shit will eventually hit the fan.
On the plus side he gave me a quiet house for 90 min. right when I got back from this long drive yesterday.
I could tell he was making a gesture.
I DO see the three hour window today as a gesture also.
Like, I'm not even adamantly against the idea of the occasional mid-week visit or a few extra hours or a day here and there. It's just the fact that I don't want it to become an expected thing all the time. And we KNOW, from almost 4 years of dealing with her shit, that you cannot set a precedent with her and give her anything, otherwise it's a huge fight when we try to reassert reasonable boundaries. If she were the type of person who would only ask occasionally and respect when we said no, then fine, I'd be open to the idea of moving closer and being more flexible. But saying yes once or twice turns into her expecting it all the time, DEMANDING a reason that's "good enough for her" if we say no, and putting her own kids through the emotional ringer in order to guilt-trip their dad into changing his stance.
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 07:50 AM
Like, I'm not even adamantly against the idea of the occasional mid-week visit or a few extra hours or a day here and there. It's just the fact that I don't want it to become an expected thing all the time. And we KNOW, from almost 4 years of dealing with her shit, that you cannot set a precedent with her and give her anything, otherwise it's a huge fight when we try to reassert reasonable boundaries. If she were the type of person who would only ask occasionally and respect when we said no, then fine, I'd be open to the idea of moving closer and being more flexible. But saying yes once or twice turns into her expecting it all the time, DEMANDING a reason that's "good enough for her" if we say no, and putting her own kids through the emotional ringer in order to guilt-trip their dad into changing his stance.
I think your intuition is guiding you
You already know how his ex is and you are right. The occasional midweek visit will become the expectation. Not just the ex pushing it but the kids as well.
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 07:53 AM
^ KEEP your distance and DON'T move closer to her unless you guys have a reason ( like shorter commutes or liking the area a lot ).
Like you said .... it's better to have a short commute 5 days a week and ONE longer drive for kid pick up once a week .
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 07:58 AM
You can see that trend in your posts. That is why I think you should SHUT DOWN the short notice requests.
Create a new trend where you never make short notice changes. THAT should be the new vibe.
Where you guys have sloppy schedules I just have A HIGH VOLUME of the kid being here ha.
It's precise and I know the *exact* times ...... but it feels like she is here constantly. I think J did not realize how much his solo work trip left us very LITTLE time in July ( I survived that one just fine ). Since he traveled 6 days that only left 9 for the two of us.
The repeat of it in August is a little much. I just really wish we had a month of " normal " between. I actually lost track a little . It might have actually been only 8 days for just us.
I hate that feeling of " fighting " for time with your partner.
I kind of just refuse to fight and if it's not just *given* to me shit will hit the fan.
On the plus side he gave me a quiet house for 90 min. right when I got back from this long drive yesterday.
I could tell he was making a gesture.
Lol @ “sloppy schedule”
Im going to use that term when it comes up again.
I feel like I’m fighting for resources period. This fool is being pinged by Rasputia constantly regarding those kids and bills she allegedly can’t pay to the point I’m like “bruh what time, money, energy do you have left for a wife and NEW family?!?”
And his refusal to take higher paying jobs OUT OF TOWN because he/his ex wife/ and those kids are so heavily co-dependent he won’t do what’s best for the greater good is sending me over the edge with rage.
This is the convo we will HAVE to address in therapy or else because this relationship is on its last leg
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 08:03 AM
^ KEEP your distance and DON'T move closer to her unless you guys have a reason ( like shorter commutes or liking the area a lot ).
Like you said .... it's better to have a short commute and ONE longer drive for kid pick up once a week .
Agree 1000%
Rasputia’s bitch ass moved less than 10 minutes away (when she came back from living out of town when she should have STAYED GONE)
And it’s been HELL!!’
Despite the fact she lives a few minutes away she never drives the kids, L does ALL the transports, his kids think they can ping him anytime to come over, if they forget something (tablet, charger, game, door key, etc) they expect him to traipse back and go get it, these people have NO boundaries
And L gleefully does it because he is so ridden with guilt and tries to coddle these kids to the point he thinks he can’t say no
But best believe - with the increasing prices of gas….living farther away will by default, ensure some of the current boundaries (when it comes to scheduling and transporting) are upheld
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 08:14 AM
^ I think we all agree L has made a million mistake lol !
I'm not sure if a pro therapist will help HIM see it but maybe !
I wonder what he would do at therapy if you just outright said :
" What I'd like is for him to schedule his two custody days a week in advance as well as the " bonus " day time visit ( third day ) and use the other FOUR days of the work to FULLY FOCUS on work and getting ahead " .
It seems like that is what you want but I'm sure he will give " reason " to fight you on it ......
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 08:18 AM
I'm in such a phase of burn out that I glanced at my renters lease for the property up North ( just to see how long it would take until I could move back there OR sell it ).
I don't think I'll need to access that "escape hatch plan " ....... I just made a note.
It looks like it isn't until January anyway. The cabin is accessible in Aug. through early Oct.!
It might be ok until mid October depending on weather ha !
I feel like the summer activities are ESSENTIAL to smoothly run a house.
He obviously does not agree.
8 days left of no school ( but only THREE business days including today ).
I'm type that CAN'T live with a partner if it's not working. If anything went off the rails I'd need out soon even it's a weekly motel haha. I know some people are like " Oh we finished out the last two months as room mates ". I just can't see that EVER happening. That's 60 days of your life you could be using for YOU as well as sitting on a new dick but you just handled it THAT WAY lol ?
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 08:23 AM
^ We live 13-14 min. I'd say from the ex .
There ARE good boundaries in place but part of it was me being like " No she can NEVER come over here for more than two minutes per week to pick up daughter " .
I had to get serious about that . Remember when my nutty partner just LEFT THE DOOR OPEN for her one time ? I really loved knowing she could just rummage though all our stuff lol while I'm with my partner on a weekend vacation trying to enjoy some time.
I didn't want to create a vibe of last min. drop offs ( it was never really a thing as they were pretty organized ). I'm also VERY picky about items. That stuff better be FULLY assembled. There is no " I'm coming back because of this forgotten thing " going on here.
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 08:36 AM
Back to the playing nice thing .....
The cabin pretty much took three days factoring the the driving .
I do plan to play nice and give them time today and tomorrow obviously !
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 09:26 AM
Well he created a window where she is out of the house 11-5:30 it turns out.
It wasn't just the 2:30 - 5:30 range. THAT is a pretty great gesture I think.
It isn't excessive ( her out for 10 hours for example even I would say is excessive ) .
It also isn't lingering around ALL day ( which was bothering me ) !
I would say it's a good gesture to accept. It is the balance I have been looking for !
kimbe
08-02-2022, 10:44 AM
Being on vacation with T's daughter is like a dream, I mean, here she really shines! She's just as lazy as I am LoL (I hate when people need to do every kind of activities..). We spend the days either on the beach or by the pool.
The only discussion this far has been if we're going to the beach or the pool. I usually prefer poolside tanning over the beach.
kimbe
08-02-2022, 11:51 AM
She wants to have chicken wings at Hooters tonight.. The nearest location is closed so we'll have to go to Coral Gables..
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 11:52 AM
^ We live 13-14 min. I'd say from the ex .
There ARE good boundaries in place but part of it was me being like " No she can NEVER come over here for more than two minutes per week to pick up daughter " .
I had to get serious about that . Remember when my nutty partner just LEFT THE DOOR OPEN for her one time ? I really loved knowing she could just rummage though all our stuff lol while I'm with my partner on vacation trying to enjoy some time.
I didn't want to create a vibe of last min. drop offs ( it was never really a thing as they were pretty organized ). I'm also VERY picky about items. That stuff better be FULLY assembled. There is no " I'm coming back because of this forgotten thing " going on here.
Ls son came over here Friday night and was like “oh I didn’t know were were coming back here on Sunday (Sat there were at L’s family). I forgot my game console. Can we go back and get it?”
Girl I had to open a door to block the glare on my face if he would have caved and drove back again.
Boy you better read a book, go outside and play in the yard, SOMETHING other than game 24/7
Thankfully L did not oblige.
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 12:34 PM
The question of " are we lounging at the pool or beach?" is a GREAT way to spend vacation time !
Also ..... you must have had some nerves she would need heavy entertainment ! To find out she doesn't must be so nice !
Being on vacation with T's daughter is like a dream, I mean, here she really shines! She's just as lazy as I am LoL (I hate when people need to do every kind of activities..). We spend the days either on the beach or by the pool.
The only discussion this far has been if we're going to the beach or the pool. I usually prefer poolside tanning over the beach.
kimbe
08-02-2022, 01:10 PM
The question of " are we lounging at the pool or beach?" is a GREAT way to spend vacation time !
Also ..... you must have had some nerves she would need heavy entertainment ! To find out she doesn't must be so nice !
Exactly, a true first world problem ::)
And yes, that was a relief :)
Jucie
08-02-2022, 01:28 PM
My dog is loving it.
There was traffic so a bummer it took over 5 hours to get here.
Speeding a little I can often do it in 4 hours 40 min. haha !
It's *very* rustic and quirky.
I'm actually in the process of designing some womens type retreats up here also.
I definitely plan to be here at least 48 hours before returning haha.
Turning a 5 day visit into a 2 day one ( by the time I get back tomorrow there really isn't much of tomorrow left ) ......... it was a good idea.
Part of what we talked openly about was that in order for this to work and be sustainable he needs to be OK with the answer of " I'd like to see her a couple days of the longer visit ". It is NOT offensive for someone without kids to be like " ok we had some time and enough is enough ". Part of what we will work with ( therapy ) is trying to figure out that line of the right amount of time and try to get some guidance.
Sounds great! That would be to long of a drive, I’d say no more than 2 hours, or maybe 3 as maximum. My daughter has no understanding of the fact that driving is exhausting..
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 02:02 PM
^ It just IS placed that far from us ha!
So I can take my little windows to use it ( I want to since I work 90% remotely )!
Aurora_Sunset
08-02-2022, 02:29 PM
Dude, bio-mom is literally texting my husband apartments and rental houses near her, going "What do you think of this one?" Are we supposed to believe that she's just "trying to be helpful" for US, as though she's ever had an interest in helping us find housing? LOL
I told my husband, "See, the only reason she's doing this is because if she gets us to move close to her, she thinks we're gonna have the kids ALL the time." He insisted he wasn't going to do that. I was like, "But you KNOW that's what she's going to push. She wouldn't give a shit about helping us find a new place to live otherwise." That's EXACTLY what's going through her head.
Now, I'm extra pissed that he even said anything to her. Because now, if I don't think it's a wise financial decision to move, she'll bitch up a storm about it. So, now it's like we have to, cuz I'm sure she'll enlist the guilt-trips from the kids to make my husband guilt-trip me if we say we're staying here another year....
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 03:19 PM
^ " We are not sure yet on moving but WE may be talking more about it ".
Be vague . Don't give her any details . It's YOUR decision. How far are you away now ?
20 -25 min. ?
I would not go ANY closer than that minimum.
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 05:50 PM
^bitches gone bitch…..
If L did that I’d force him to say he was under duress at the time he said that. He’d need to go backtrack and tell her no.
I’d rather subject myself to a guilt trip for a few days than YEARS of “sloppy schedules”, loose boundaries, random pop-up/drop-offs, and kissing all my free time goodbye.
miss.a.p1600
08-02-2022, 05:56 PM
Why is L’s daughter begging him to pick her up from school knowing that he has coronavirus?!?
Im sorry but 10 is old enough to know that when someone is contagious sick then you cannot be around them.
Their relationship is not only oddly codependent but he nor Bertha are capable of teaching this kid boundaries.
She literally has toddler level meltdowns anytime she can’t see someone because they’re sick.
Go ahead little girl and catch coronavirus so you can stay at your moms house another weekend.
Why tf is Bertha co-signing this shit? This hoe is too lazy to pick her kid up from school (yes it’s YOUR fault that your kid does so poorly in school she needs to attend it in the summer too) and sends the kid out to beg her sick father.
These people are weird af
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 08:13 PM
^ Huh ?
The shit these folks do hahahah !
carmen_b
08-02-2022, 08:14 PM
We did an intro with a therapist today. It was only 15 min.
There will some " light " therapist shopping because I have another hour booked with another person tomorrow.
I just did that because it was SO hard to even get ON the schedule with only a few days notice.
At least we started !
We definitely need some help getting back on track.
He is very worried I only " tolerate " his daughter. I definitely see how it's a valid concern.
After two years maybe I should " love " her .
I do see that on other step mom forum convos that this often takes YEARS not just two. :/
I was very worried myself that my life seemed so " meh " during the kid days and amazing when it was just us.
The variation was really messing with head. We have to bond better because J is really unhappy with where it is at right now.
I still say he *exaggerated* it by mishandling the summer ( but we all know my take on that already ).
He says he wants a " midpoint " in involvement. Hopefully the therapist can help us sort exactly what that means.
When she does nothing but sit around all day at stare at us it also leaves very little to talk about.
It's much easier to make conversation that is natural if she goes somewhere and tells us about it later.
miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 05:53 AM
^L is the same way.
He keeps trying to force the issue and make me do more with his kids than I desire.
Honestly, I am only tolerating his kids. Shit I’m barely tolerating him. And tolerating his kids is like tolerating him times 30 plus Bertha. It’s like tolerating 35 mfs!
I think if these men make it EASIER not harder then the relationship could grow better.
I also think divorced men with kids can have these delusions of grandeur thinking that ….
1. They can keep doing things they way they did when they were single (which is inefficient) and
2. That their kids are these perfect angels and we should automatically love them/be excited to spend every waking moment with them.
And
3. They think they can find a woman who will be like a “mom” to their kids which if they wanted that they should have stayed with their ex/child’s mom. Those ex wives are getting PAID alimony, free house, child support, etc and don’t have to screw to get it and they expect us to fill that bitch’s role …. Uncompensated? Um fuck no!!!!
This is just my opinion but I think if men checked their male privilege and checked their ex’s better then m they would have better results.
miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 05:54 AM
Carmen I also think your dude PURPOSELY (because you said money and transportation wasn’t an issue) didn’t do summer camps to use it as a “bonding” experiment for you and he didn’t get the result he was looking for so he did not want to do it your way.
I could be wrong but that’s Just my observation from what you’ve said.