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miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 06:03 AM
I also feel like “if I don’t get what I want then why on earth would I give you what you want?”

The men probably thinking the same And stubborn as some men are…..no one comes to any compromise and everyone is at a standstill

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 07:39 AM
God I hope not. I work 9-5 M to F on my business and I have spelled it out and re-spelled it out that I am not available M - F 9-5 to anyone ( even him for the most part ).
I am both the secretary taking new inquiries and the person who is responsible for completing the jobs ( when I was busier I had someone onboarding new clients ). I don't have that now and it's ALL me.

I'm so burnt out by what he did that my preference is to see her only two days a week ( just for a couple of weeks while I re-group ).

I don't *think* he did that ( your theory ). I think he just didn't know his summer custody schedule 2-3 months ahead ( when the sign ups need to happen ) . Instead of having the attitude of " lets do it even if it only falls on MY days just 1-2 times a week " ...... he did nothing. Last summer was so easy. The activity I found ( outdoor thing ) was 9a.m. - Noon and her Mom found her something 1-4 p.m. ! I REALLY regret not doing this myself in early April but I thought it " wouldn't look good " ! Learn from my mistake if it EVER comes up for anyone !

We talked on the couch yesterday about the concept of me NOT being a monster for wanting to create some balance .
There is a big spectrum between " I hate the kid so lets send them out of state for 2.5 months in summer " and having the kid around the house ALL day every day. We really couldn't come up with a better solution " middle " point ?

I personally think he knows he made a mistake ( he admitted it *once* ).


Carmen I also think your dude PURPOSELY (because you said money and transportation wasn’t an issue) didn’t do summer camps to use it as a “bonding” experiment for you and he didn’t get the result he was looking for so he did not want to do it your way.

I could be wrong but that’s Just my observation from what you’ve said.

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 07:45 AM
She actually ended up at that playdate at the other house from 11 - 7 !
These folks are A-OK with me now.
I had said a few weeks ago that if I saw them or their kids here without them hosting her first there would be problems.

miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 08:27 AM
L scheduled doctors appointments for his kids today but he is still supposed to be in isolation.

THIS is the shit that irks tf out of me is that HE allows Bertha to run him all over the city for those kids even when he is SICK/contagious or when those kids are SICK/contagious.

Like what part of this (when you are sick, you have to adjust so you don't infect everyone else) do these people not understand?!?

His dumb ass should have told her 'Rasputia! I AM COVID POSITIVE and contagious. I WILL NOT be able to take the kids to doctors, pick the kids from school, etc until 5 days of isolation are over and therefore YOU will need to do YOUR JOB and take care of your kids! Period!"

Now he is out here purposely miscalculating the days he had symptoms/fever so he can go traipse around for Bertha.

I said 'Bruh if you leave isolation before you're supposed to (for Bertha - aka to take her kids somewhere when that bitch is fully able to do this herself knowing he is sick) then you need to do something for me (stock this fridge with groceries)" ..... He hung up in my face. Asshole!

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 08:35 AM
^ I think people are lax with covid these days figuring that everyone is vaxxed.
I don't agree with what he is doing but hell ...... just let him roll with it I guess.

It is probably just particularly triggering to you because the ex NEVER seems to be able to take care of the kids ( fully ) so this is just another example.

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 09:11 AM
^ Hopefully he will be smart and come back with groceries. :)

It IS very likely though that no one will get sick if everyone is up to date on shots.
I do agree though .....stick in a room. You don't need to make other people sick.

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 09:44 AM
^ I get some of those vibes too.

J seems to do more of the Dr. appts.

He did the braces last week.
He is out today ( during his work hours ) for the eye Dr . for her .

I chose to stay out of it figuring at least he wasn't asking more MY time taking her to this stuff.

miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 10:00 AM
^ Hopefully he will be smart and come back with groceries. :)

It IS very likely though that no one will get sick if everyone is up to date on shots.
I do agree though ..... like .... just stick in a room a bit so other people are not risking getting sick.

Thank you!

Yes he finally offered to get groceries delivered.

And he took another test and it was positive so I think that he needed to see that to realize if he just TEMPORARILY stayed at home then after the next day or two he can lessen the chance of passing it to those kids then infecting the entire house.

He cancelled the appointment

L’s ex wife is just like Auroras husbands ex in regards to if you give her an inch she will take a mile. I don’t want the expectation of caring for these kids when he is sick. Or that we should care for them when they are sick (unless they got sick over here). Unless it’s a hospital emergency, Of all the times to be exempt from childcare it should be when you are sick.

miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 10:20 AM
^ I get some of those vibes too.

J seems to do more of the Dr. appts.

He did the braces last week.
He is out today ( during his work hours ) for the eye Dr . for her .

I chose to stay out of it figuring at least he wasn't asking more MY time taking her to this stuff.

Okay.

i guess i will just keep my mouth shut on some things.

i suppose Im coming from a place of “how are we gonna move from this city, go on vacations, etc if Bertha is so heavily dependent on him?”

theyve been divorced almost 3-4 years now and she is HEAVILY dependent on him to transport this kids everywhere, take care of them whenever she doesn’t feel like doing it, in addition to now receiving child support.

i personally feel like if you get child support then you need to be doing the child rearing work

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 11:01 AM
^ I think the key would be getting him to stick to the two days a week and the " bonus " out of the house day.
He needs to stop fighting the structure .
He paid her a bit so her taking 4.5 days per week EVERY week ( and during that time being FULLY responsible ) seems just fine.
He would split the time 50/50 IF neither party pays the other anything.
I know you don't want 50/50 and would prefer he just pays. :)

I can not imagine what I would do if J's ex called and asked either of us to come pick her up or something on a day we are " off " .
We would probably just laugh and hang up. She should be EMBARRASSED she can't fully handle her kids on her days. I also think she MUST be playing games ( trying to disrupt your couples only time ) .

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 11:39 AM
I think I just have to let it go ( my agitation about the summer ).
Otherwise we won't move forward.
We clearly didn't agree about the level of the " must have " factor of the activity sign ups.

He set up another play date today ( not at our house ).

I still think it was nasty of him to not give us a FULL day ( for the two of us ) today before his 5 day trip ha.
I know I couldn't have a full day of just us AFTER the trip because of "travel" his ex is doing.
I'm not too bummed currently about not traveling with. I've kind of wrapped my head around that.
I am going to try to focus on the *following* week after he gets back.

miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 01:12 PM
^sorry but Im going to have to borrow your words again

“Nasty” will be archived into my verbal dictionary

Reminds me of when that fool Donald Trump called that woman “nasty” and said it so aggressively lol

My bad for going sideways with this. M

But yeah focus on the following week may relieve a bit of stress and at least he did do the play date thing at the other persons house a couple times.

miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 01:13 PM
^ I think the key would be getting him to stick to the two days a week and the " bonus " out of the house day.
He needs to stop fighting the structure .
He paid her a bit so her taking 4.5 days per week EVERY week ( and during that time being FULLY responsible ) seems just fine.
He split the time 50/50 IF neither party pays the other anything.
I know you don't want 50/50 and would prefer he just pays. :)

I can not imagine what I would do if J's ex called and asked either of us to come pick her up or something on a day we are " off " .
We would probably just laugh and hang up. She should be EMBARRASSED she can't fully handle her kids on her days. I also think she MUST be playing games ( trying to disrupt your couples only time ) .

Agreed to everything you’re saying here.

miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 01:45 PM
His son is annoying tf out of me.

L is COVID POSITIVE and his son is like “So, I’m still coming over!”

Um NO YOU ARE NOT…..NO MA’AM

So you can get sick too and be stuck quarantined over here. Look kid. When your weak boundary dad tells you what day he is better AND when he is OFF WORK - THEN (and only then) you can come over and not one day sooner so stop haggling.

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 05:44 PM
My Mom called and I ranted about the summer ugh !

Moving on ...

Moving on ....

J and I talked and I admitted I made a mistake by not working out of an office.
Looking back that would have helped I think.

miss.a.p1600
08-03-2022, 06:39 PM
^ same

I think getting a little temporary office would have done wonders here too.

That way if the dudes chose to have daddy daycare at the house, an enterprising time conscious lady would not have to be subjected to it.

If I’m with L next summer which I highly doubt, the moment I hear him and Bertha don’t have summer camps lined up is the moment I’m either booking a summer long trip or I’m booking a coworking space with 24/7 hours.

carmen_b
08-03-2022, 06:44 PM
^ Yeah I made a mistake letting it continue to be my problem when it should have been his.
I passed a new coworking space about 4-5 miles away and realized I should have joined 4-6 weeks ago.

I’ll admit the summer made me question it all.
It’s hard to make a decision what to do.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 05:42 AM
^yep. I talked to my mom too and she was like “just let him deal with it”

The dudes will eventually wear themselves down, get triggered and annoyed, realize they will be doing the job - THEY requested/desired/wanted - on their own, then finally take the kid to appropriate child related activities or back to their mom.

Like dude YOUR decision is going to affect YOU not me. Especially if I have no say, no input, no control over said decision.

This is how I feel 99% of the time.

kimbe
08-04-2022, 05:56 AM
T’s daughter told me yesterday when we were out having dinner that this has been here best vacation ever..! I think that’s nice to hear, I wasn’t quite sure how it would work out between us.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 05:58 AM
^awww that’s great to hear it went well and you both enjoyed it.

T is great to have provided the resources to make that happen.

kimbe
08-04-2022, 06:02 AM
Definitely, of course we owe T a big thank you.. :)

Aurora_Sunset
08-04-2022, 08:19 AM
We did an intro with a therapist today. It was only 15 min.
There will some " light " therapist shopping because I have another hour booked with another person tomorrow.
I just did that because it was SO hard to even get ON the schedule with only a few days notice.
At least we started !

We definitely need some help getting back on track.
He is very worried I only " tolerate " his daughter. I definitely see how it's a valid concern.
After two years maybe I should " love " her .
I do see that on other step mom forum convos that this often takes YEARS not just two. :/
I was very worried myself that my life seemed so " meh " during the kid days and amazing when it was just us.
The variation was really messing with head. We have to bond better because J is really unhappy with where it is at right now.

I still say he *exaggerated* it by mishandling the summer ( but we all know my take on that already ).
He says he wants a " midpoint " in involvement. Hopefully the therapist can help us sort exactly what that means.
When she does nothing but sit around all day at stare at us it also leaves very little to talk about.
It's much easier to make conversation that is natural if she goes somewhere and tells us about it later.

I still feel like I only "tolerate" the kids most of the time, but I'm really trying to move into being more involved and "loving" them. It's getting a little easier as they get older and more independent. That's probably true of all kids lol

I don't think you should feel bad that you feel "meh" during kid days and amazing when it's just the two of you. Honestly, wouldn't pretty much ALL couples admit to that if they were being truthful? I think all couples with kids would agree that their lives were more amazing before kids, and kinda "meh" after kids. Not that people don't love their kids, but it's just the truth that kids are a TON of a work, time, and energy, and the relationship just isn't the same as it was without them. When you're in a situation where you don't have the kids fulltime, it probably just becomes more obvious every time you switch. If J were being honest, he'd probably say the same thing - it's just clouded with divorced dad guilt. You seem to be earnest about bonding more with her, it just might take longer than J wants or expected. You aren't a couple that "decided to have a kid together" and planned for it - you were kinda thrown at a kid that already had a personality and upbringing and now you have to learn about her. It takes time for the kids to bond toward us as well - pushing it doesn't help anyone.

Anyway, glad you guys are working it out in therapy! My husband and I are also in couples counseling - not for kid stuff, mostly finances and feeling like I haven't been a priority. But we're starting to talk about some kid/family stuff. I think it's really helping us the past few weeks. I even convinced a good friend of mine to start couples counseling as well. Hopping on the therapy train! lol

Aurora_Sunset
08-04-2022, 08:23 AM
I've noticed a huge discrepancy in how things are with one kid here vs. both. Every time we've only had one of them - either the boy or the girl - they're pretty chill, quiet, laid-back. They stick to their room a lot. Don't get into shit. Don't yell, throw tantrums, have meltdowns. They barely make a mess. If it were like that ALL the time when they were here, I'd barely have any complaints.

But when they're both here, it's like a tornado hits. There's shit everywhere, they're loud, always yelling, and turning everything into WWIII. I know some of it is that they're siblings and they poke at and aggravate each other, but I don't get some of it... Why are they so clean when they're on their own, but so damn messy when they're both here?

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 08:37 AM
I still feel like I only "tolerate" the kids most of the time, but I'm really trying to move into being more involved and "loving" them. It's getting a little easier as they get older and more independent. That's probably true of all kids lol

I don't think you should feel bad that you feel "meh" during kid days and amazing when it's just the two of you. Honestly, wouldn't pretty much ALL couples admit to that if they were being truthful? I think all couples with kids would agree that their lives were more amazing before kids, and kinda "meh" after kids. Not that people don't love their kids, but it's just the truth that kids are a TON of a work, time, and energy, and the relationship just isn't the same as it was without them. When you're in a situation where you don't have the kids fulltime, it probably just becomes more obvious every time you switch. If J were being honest, he'd probably say the same thing - it's just clouded with divorced dad guilt. You seem to be earnest about bonding more with her, it just might take longer than J wants or expected. You aren't a couple that "decided to have a kid together" and planned for it - you were kinda thrown at a kid that already had a personality and upbringing and now you have to learn about her. It takes time for the kids to bond toward us as well - pushing it doesn't help anyone.

Anyway, glad you guys are working it out in therapy! My husband and I are also in couples counseling - not for kid stuff, mostly finances and feeling like I haven't been a priority. But we're starting to talk about some kid/family stuff. I think it's really helping us the past few weeks. I even convinced a good friend of mine to start couples counseling as well. Hopping on the therapy train! lol

I feel every word of what you said.

I had a much better relationship with L BEFORE we moved in and he bombarded me with his kids, before I realized he operates out of divorced dad guilt, before I realized he has low boundaries regarding those kids and that ex wife, before I realized his ex wife can’t parent her way out of a paper bag if her life depended on it, before I realized that L unnecessarily overcompensates for her.

just overall things were better before I got subjected to ALL of his baggage that he didn’t even care about lightening up.

We have been planning for couples therapy but it keeps getting rescheduled so when he is free from coronavirus we should have one booked and I guess it will all come out. I hope he gets it through his thick skull that he should work to make things EASIER for a lady of my caliber or else he will be single and sexless faster than he can say 24/7 Uber Manny

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 08:50 AM
Hmmmm I'd want to hack that and take them at least 50% of the time on their own haha !

Welcome to the therapy train.

Also I will confess we pushed the hour one back to 6 days from now. :/
We will get there !


I've noticed a huge discrepancy in how things are with one kid here vs. both. Every time we've only had one of them - either the boy or the girl - they're pretty chill, quiet, laid-back. They stick to their room a lot. Don't get into shit. Don't yell, throw tantrums, have meltdowns. They barely make a mess. If it were like that ALL the time when they were here, I'd barely have any complaints.

But when they're both here, it's like a tornado hits. There's shit everywhere, they're loud, always yelling, and turning everything into WWIII. I know some of it is that they're siblings and they poke at and aggravate each other, but I don't get some of it... Why are they so clean when they're on their own, but so damn messy when they're both here?

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 08:56 AM
Aurora :

I really like what you had to say !

I felt confident that the routine of school hours would give us the " boost " we needed.

I think J is losing some faith though. He's having a hard time forgiving me for " hiding " .
I really see now that an office should have been incorporated.
I would cycle in getting angry his child was around all day.
I should have just stepped away promptly at 9a.m. and came back at 5 p.m.

He also fixed it this last week ( he had her out of the house about 6 hours a day the last two days ) .

It's a challenging time for us so hopefully it's " UP " from here !

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 09:00 AM
I have absolutely felt like a low priority lately.
He has NEVER done this before ( gone out of town without me ).
Last month I had clients the had booked me MONTHS before his work trip was scheduled so it was simply a no go.
This time I had no one booked until a couple weeks prior.
If we would have already booked my ticket I could have simply assigned another person on the job site.

It always used to be just an email with my ticket forwarded to me . I think there was one other time where the airline prices has spiked so I paid half of mine on a work trip of his . One time I met him in a city with my miles and rented a cute car for us for a week with one night working at a club in that town ha.



Anyway, glad you guys are working it out in therapy! My husband and I are also in couples counseling - not for kid stuff, mostly finances and feeling like I haven't been a priority. But we're starting to talk about some kid/family stuff. I think it's really helping us the past few weeks. I even convinced a good friend of mine to start couples counseling as well. Hopping on the therapy train! lol

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 09:08 AM
We talked openly yesterday too about me feeling like I am treated very different when she is here.
He really pulls back the affection . He promised to try to take action and remedy it.

Part of it is that she is nearly 10 years old and just " clings " .
She rarely entertains herself or plays in her room for even 30 minutes.
I think I mentioned something this week like " she could use some encouragement to play independently ".
He agreed with me but also made excuses like " well it's the end of summer and she is restless ".

If I'm not getting ANY affection during the day of COURSE I dread those times. Who wouldn't ?
He says he will brainstorm for potential solutions for this.
Of course I want to disappear and just return at 8:30 when it's near bed time.

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 09:31 AM
I am starting to come around to the idea that this really *might* be too much for us.
I'm pretty disappointed really about the lack of independence .
It's something I just didn't expect to see with a child who is almost 10.
I thought there would be more progress this year ( from age 9 to 10 ).
Maybe the therapist will have some suggestions though.

I think something he needs to wrap his mind around is that IF I'm going to be more involved ( which he said he wants ) he needs to do the " independence encouragement " thing with me . I will be doing it for sure. If he doesn't also it will seem like we are working against each other. I won't be packing a bag or making a lunch or ANYTHING she should be doing herself. I want her up to speed !

I think he needs to wrap his mind around that I am not a " housewife " type. Literally the ONLY way I'd back off my work hours is if he had CASH in hand. I did offer a solution though that if he needs me for a couple of hours for something I do have enough flex that I can make up those two hours over the weekend.

I interview for a job today that is around 30-40% more of what I'm currently making.
I want to continue this type of progress.
^ At that earning level ( I mean .... I'm trying to move up ) he couldn't afford my time anyway honestly.
He could probably afford 10-15 hours currently haha but he has never brought the cash over to discuss it.
If he can wrap his mind around just leaving me alone M - F 9-5 without being salty ..... we can progress.

Aurora_Sunset
08-04-2022, 09:40 AM
I feel you on the "clingy 10-year-old" thing. Stepson is 10 and very clingy with his dad. Been a little more clingy with me recently too (though I actually try to view that as an improvement to our relationship since we used to not spend much time together). What I try to tell myself is that, even if 10 is technically old enough for them to not be this way anymore, I know it won't last beyond another year or two. Once they're pre-teens and teenagers, they'll be the exact opposite of clingy. So, I try to just let my husband enjoy it for now, when his kid still wants to spend so much time with him, because in a couple years, he'll be begging an uninterested kid instead... Just my thought on it.

As far as tasks go, though, I do think it's an age where they need to start learning to do things for themselves - like the shower thing you mentioned, or getting their own drinks, etc. And playing independently at least part of the time. As much as I want my husband to have his bonding time, it gets irksome when stepson will literally NOT stop calling out "Are you coming? Are you coming? When are you coming?" after we've told him that we need to take care of something else first.

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 09:50 AM
^ I am SO ready for the cling phase to end though.

I was just different as a kid. I remember getting feedback later on that people didn't know where I was half the time because i was off involved in my own stuff haha .

For me even a 20-30 minute window where she does SOMETHING independently would be a great thing.
Since It's been so rough I just don't plan on bringing this up . I hope he will think of it on his own in his " ways to give more affection " brainstorming he said he will be doing in the next few days. I'm not even suggesting a full hour. I am not really suggesting it on school days when she is out part of the day.

I definitely am seeing both sides right now.
I would miss my partner terribly if we split.
I would not miss a child showing up every 3-4 days.

Aurora_Sunset
08-04-2022, 10:32 AM
^^ Having her as often as you do definitely makes it harder. I think your requests for "windows" of time during her visits are very reasonable.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 10:32 AM
I feel you on the "clingy 10-year-old" thing. Stepson is 10 and very clingy with his dad. Been a little more clingy with me recently too (though I actually try to view that as an improvement to our relationship since we used to not spend much time together). What I try to tell myself is that, even if 10 is technically old enough for them to not be this way anymore, I know it won't last beyond another year or two. Once they're pre-teens and teenagers, they'll be the exact opposite of clingy. So, I try to just let my husband enjoy it for now, when his kid still wants to spend so much time with him, because in a couple years, he'll be begging an uninterested kid instead... Just my thought on it.

As far as tasks go, though, I do think it's an age where they need to start learning to do things for themselves - like the shower thing you mentioned, or getting their own drinks, etc. And playing independently at least part of the time. As much as I want my husband to have his bonding time, it gets irksome when stepson will literally NOT stop calling out "Are you coming? Are you coming? When are you coming?" after we've told him that we need to take care of something else first.

I find L’s son to be clingy too.

Hes 14. Has no friends. And constantly tries his hardest to land at this house when he’s not supposed to be here. Faking crisis with his mother and playing the victim role so L can jump up, rescue him, and take custody of him. Um No ma’am!

It grates my nerves when I hear L saying “oh I’m going to cook for my son” ….. no! He’s old enough to at least be helping if not cooking for himself at this age.

He doesn’t even wake his own self up for school day and is the epitome of overly dependent.

If L weren’t around his ex wife and those kids wouldn’t be able to manage themselves if their lives depended on it.



I personally think if they’re clingy now they will be clingy teens and then overly dependent adults.

It worries me that if it’s not nipped in the bud now it will totally continue

but eh! You guys see the light better than I do.

Aurora_Sunset
08-04-2022, 10:36 AM
I definitely am seeing both sides right now.
I would my partner terribly if we split.
Admittedly though, I would not miss a child showing up every 3-4 days.

During a period of time when I seriously considered leaving, I definitely had the thought to myself that I would NOT miss playing stepmom or dealing with bio-mom anymore. Now that things are more solid between me and my husband, I am finding it 'easier' to mentally master kid stuff and try to get more involved. The quality of the relationship sans kids definitely plays a role in how well I'm able to handle the kids when they're here. That's just me though.

That being said, IF things did eventually go south and I did leave, I think I would set a hard rule against dating someone with kids again unless it was years down the line with someone who has older/adult children when I/we are in much later stages of life.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 10:39 AM
Right now….L drove to pick up his daughter. WHILE HE HAS COVID.

Because his lazy clingy son relies on him to complete simple ass tasks (he’s supposed to let his sister in the house when she gets home from school but he fell asleep)

If I hear Bertha or anyone from that degenerate household ping L again while he is supposed to be in isolation - I am going to rage.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 10:41 AM
During a period of time when I seriously considered leaving, I definitely had the thought to myself that I would NOT miss playing stepmom or dealing with bio-mom anymore. Now that things are more solid between me and my husband, I am finding it 'easier' to mentally master kid stuff and try to get more involved. The quality of the relationship sans kids definitely plays a role in how well I'm able to handle the kids when they're here. That's just me though.

That being said, IF things did eventually go south and I did leave, I think I would set a hard rule against dating someone with kids again unless it was years down the line with someone who has older/adult children when I/we are in much later stages of life.

Same.

Idgaf how nice and loving they are.

Im NEVER going back on my dealbreaker (no dependent kids) ever in life.

It’s ALOT of energy i don’t have to give.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 10:44 AM
We talked openly yesterday too about me feeling like I am treated very different when she is here.
He really pulls back the affection . He promised to try to take action and remedy it.

Part of it is that she is nearly 10 years old and just " clings " .
She rarely entertains herself or plays in her room for even 30 minutes.
I think I mentioned something this week like " she could use some encouragement to play independently ".
He agreed with me but also made excuses like " well it's the end of summer and she is restless ".

If I'm not getting ANY affection during the day of COURSE I dread those times. Who wouldn't ?
He says he will brainstorm for potential solutions for this.
Of course I want to disappear and just return at 8:30 when it's near bed time.

L does the same thing like “well the summer is almost over” excuse whilst continuing to act totally inefficient

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 10:52 AM
I do too. I felt like my overall mitigation of being around two days a week was a good option.
That way I'm involved and we have a relationship but it's not completely overwhelming for me.
Maybe I just need to outright J what he thinks of that since we haven't openly discussed it.
I tend to just make my plans ahead and step back to give them their time.

I do ( admittedly ) like getting out of town for the longer visits but even for those for example I'll do 3 days out of town and see her one day. I typically wouldn't go all 4 days ( it might actually be helpful at times if I did ). I am not in a swing of leaving town that often either. It's more like once per month that I do that ( timed with a longer visit duration ).


^^ Having her as often as you do definitely makes it harder. I think your requests for "windows" of time during her visits are very reasonable.

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 10:59 AM
Things are low quality right now. I think due to my lack of involvement he got very angry so the last time we had two days to ourselves it felt " just ok ". I'm hurt that today he leaves to travel alone for 5 days . He could have just thrown down $450 or so and got me a ticket earlier. He's well aware at this point of my hurt over it.
BUT ..... I also travel solo Aug. 14-20.
We BOTH were responsible for only having two weeks of Aug. " on the ground together ".

I think it's possible to recover but not if I'm on the " back burner " much longer. By much longer I mean ...... when he returns Tues. I need serious improvement. If he isn't planning dates and thinking ahead for quality our solo times are not going to high quality either. I compromised on overall lifestyle ( not having the flex to travel as much ) because I was being treated so well before.
He NEEDS improvement on his end too he says. I need to interact more and do a better job at cleaning things ( I'm a minimalist so low clutter but I was in a habit of leaving some things out ) .


The quality of the relationship sans kids definitely plays a role in how well I'm able to handle the kids when they're here. That's just me though.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 11:35 AM
^I hope he compromises more with you and understands from your perspective more.

This is just my perspective from my experience but I find these men who put their kids 100% first have a very hard time understanding that their expectations, of their new partner doing the same, are totally unrealistic.

Relationships build naturally over time. It’s not a rush job. If the divorced parent with kids wants their new partner to bond then they need to create those opportunities AND be patient. I find them getting agitated, angry, disappointed when bonding with their kids doesn’t happen as deeply and as quickly as they were expecting.

A couple of key words that came up for me in therapy was “flexibility” and “compromise” so I think each party needs those things in addition to “balance” “patience” and “peace”. These are things I constantly try to work on myself.

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 01:15 PM
^ I'm in an ethical debate because I often just feel an awareness of not enjoying spending time with her.
That is WITH all my hacks incorporated too like going an doing stuff I'd do anyway ( outdoor things with the dog or plant store )
This is a key thing I'm discussing with my own therapist .
I do well on the shorter durations but obviously ...... J saw me fail on the longer ones.

I think that a lot of what doesn't " feel " right about it is that cling factor we talked about.
If there was ANY self guided time going on it would be amazing. I think a lot of it is disappointment is my feelings that she is a little behind.

I think J threw out an idea himself yesterday that maybe he will start guiding her towards 20-30 min. solo stuff here and there.
I don't know if he will really DO it. He just can't help himself sometimes with the helicoptering.

Here is something I'm not sure how I feel about.
I guess his sister is coming to town for the first day of school ?
I guess I really don't care but I assumed just J would be there ( solo ) but now he is " bringing " in outside help for this event ?

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 01:21 PM
I just feel worn out today like " just give him what he wants, get super involved, and be a house wife ".

BUT ...... I have a vision of how much real estate I want to hold in 3-4 years ( with or without J as a factor ) and house wifing for free isn't going to get it there.

Technically he makes enough to pull this off ..... I think what he didn't consider is that a partner might not want that despite being offered haha .

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 01:53 PM
^Carmen I may be biased towards you because I can totally relate

I think if your dude could see more from your perspective AND take improvements/action steps this would ease your mind and make things better. But he seems to be seeing things from his perspective only and doesn’t understand why you’re not more physically/emotionally available for his daughter.

His refusal to spend more time with you/invite you on the trip is a bit petty. But maybe he thinks you’re being petty by refusing to spend the quality time he thinks you should spend with his daughter and he’s reacting to that - his perception

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 02:07 PM
L is pissing me clean tf off again.

He’s planning on getting his kids this weekend (no he hasn’t informed me - I’m typical sloppy schedule fashion - I just know him now) because he said he was going back to work after his 5 days were up….which falls on a weekend.

Which means if he skips this weekend, Bertha will be on his neck, those kids will haggle him non-stop, and he will be bitching and moaning about how he barely saw them last weekend.

Idk what pisses me off more, him constantly coming out of isolation to do BERTHAS job while he’s COVID positive, him constantly planning his visitation schedule with his ex wife and kids then informing me last, or just him being an annoying fuckface asshole who is adamant on doing things HIS way aka Berthas way.

I’m already in a state of anxiety with him constantly moving around and possibly spreading pathogens, constantly feeding into Bertha and those kids manufactured “emergencies” even when he is COVID positive and supposed to be in isolation, and the last think i want is those kids making a lot of noise and spreading even more pathogens

I’d give my left tit to leave his ass for good if he takes vacation days to play Mr. Mom this weekend instead of taking his ass to work then saving those vacation days for procuring a higher paying job

Fuck all of y’all right now.

Aurora_Sunset
08-04-2022, 02:26 PM
LOLLLLLLLL bio-mom sent husband a house rental that’s literally on the same street as her, saying “The kids could walk to your house!”

FUCK. NOOOOOOO

What really makes me mad is that it actually would be an amazing rental for the price if it wasn’t RIGHT down the street from her.

I told my husband I’m mad at him for mentioning the moving to her in the first place. That it should have been something WE discussed amongst ourselves for the next few months, not something she’s invited herself into now that he made her, basically a promise, that we would definitely be doing this.

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 03:11 PM
Lots of action on this thread lately lol !

Aurora : fuck noooooo
Please live 25 min away minimum to minimize the crazy factor lol.

No one wants the kids walking between homes .
At least not me . Last I checked I don’t live in a commune from the 70s.

He should tell her to stop sending the info.

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 03:17 PM
He is the one alone on a plane literally sending regretful messages over lol. He’s lucky I’m answering after two days of negativity. Enough sheesh. I know he bought the in flight WiFi to send them too haha.

I’m taking a huge lifestyle hit ( a child free person coming into this ). Please start making it awesome again to be with you or I won’t be. He told me he struggled dating post divorce himself ! Yes.... because this life is high compromise. Women are scared of it for good reason !

Whining that I’m not “ bonded “ enough is doing very little. Make suggestions. Let’s go do things.
Action > Whining.



His refusal to spend more time with you/invite you on the trip is a bit petty. But maybe he thinks you’re being petty by refusing to spend the quality time he thinks you should spend with his daughter and he’s reacting to that - his perception

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 08:44 PM
Thank goodness L is forgoing his parenting time this weekend. School is coming back so he can’t try to double and triple and quadruple up to make up for these two weekends he missed (or so I hope)

I’m already on edge. And last thing I want is kids possibly catching coronavirus over here and being stuck weeks quarantining here.

Shout out to Bertha for doing her job. And thanks heavens L finally has some common sense and letting her do her damn job instead of treating her like she’s profoundly retarded.

miss.a.p1600
08-04-2022, 08:49 PM
He is the one alone on a plane literally sending regretful messages over lol. He’s lucky I’m answering after two days of negativity. Enough sheesh. I know he bought the in flight WiFi to send them too haha.

I’m taking a huge lifestyle hit ( a child free person coming into this ). Please start making it awesome again to be with you or I won’t be. He told me he struggled dating post divorce himself ! Yes.... because this life is a high compromise. Women are scared of it for good reason !

Whining that I’m not “ bonded “ enough is doing very little. Make suggestions. Let’s go do things.
Action > Whining.


THANK YOU!

Idk why these men act dumbfounded by the fact that dealing with their kids and ex wives for YEARS on end is a HUGE sacrifice.

Make it easy, consider a lady’s needs as well, make it worth a lady’s while ffs!

carmen_b
08-04-2022, 08:51 PM
^ Just all around absurdity they couldn’t let him recover.