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smeca
08-17-2022, 09:26 AM
Omg you guys deal with some drama. I don't think I could handle it. I don't like even common kids stuff like silly noises, singing whatever horrible song is popular. My kids would have a complex about noise lol. Not for me I think <_<

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 06:15 PM
This is such an interesting dynamic. The stepson would love a taste of *my* parents ( not ! ) haha .
I can not even imagine kids acting this way because at that age our lives would have been living personal hells ( if we went somewhere and embarrassed my parents for example ). :/
Kids these days are too soft !

I personally think your partner is making a mistake by allowing too much lounging.
I feel like the time to *bring* in lounging time is when they COMPLETE a good sports practice, or he mows a lawn and makes a little money, OR something to show him being productive is the way to go ! It probably comes down to a personal style but I really feel like the day should always be " split " . Play outside or go to the rec center a few hours and THEN you can lounge a few hours.

Doesn't gaming require wi-fi ? Have you ever talked to your partner about limiting the wi-fi ( for the kids ) to certain hours ? I've seen it done in other forums. You just change the code at lets say 8 p.m. and then give it to them AFTER they complete their morning tasks smoothly for the day. Change password again at 8 p.m. and repeat.


I confess that of the two kids, I'm not really a fan of my stepson. Whenever we think of involving the kids with plans or taking them around other people, like my family, I would happily do these things with stepdaughter, but it's always stepson that gives me pause. She's not the world's most perfect kid, but at least her occasional tantrums are pretty typical "kid tantrums" that are usually quickly dissolved. When stepson doesn't get his way or gets upset by some random thing, he's a total asshole. He hollers, shuts down, refuses to move, and is just an all-around shithead that doesn't listen to a word you say. Stepdaughter will actually go out and engage in activities - stepson just wants to sit on his ass in front of the TV all day every day. She's 3 years younger than him, but he acts like he's younger than her. I would expect his crap from say, a 5 year old, not a 10 year old. It's embarrassing and frustrating.

What sucks the most is that my husband clearly favors his son over his daughter. Honest mistakes that his daughter makes will lead to him yelling at and scolding her, but he lets his son get away with murder. Son will be a total, whiny asshole, demanding his way all day, and then daughter will step out of line for 2 seconds saying she doesn't want to eat her dinner or something, and my husband will go off on her, and be like "Why can't you just be like your brother? He doesn't get into trouble. He doesn't complain. He just chills all day." I look at him like he's crazy, and I'm like "Uhhh.... he literally made getting in the shower a 30-minute argument and ordeal earlier, wtf are you talking about?"

I see him being a way more difficult and disruptive kid than stepdaughter usually is, but my husband thinks he's the fucking golden child who can do no wrong. I just see him growing up into yet another man who can't do shit for himself, expects everyone to mommy him, and throws oversized fits when he doesn't get his way - and if I hate men like that, it's hard to set aside that feeling when I look at him and SEE his future and not just kinda instantly hate him and the person he's becoming.

miss.a.p1600
08-17-2022, 06:17 PM
L is still hell bent on me taking care of his kids (or leaving them at our house all day) while he is at work because he only gets 1-2 days vs 3 days

Then had the audacity to call me selfish.

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 06:22 PM
We have a *slight* issue with this too.
J's daughter is almost 10 and she should be dressing and brushing her own hair ect. to go out in public and it happends probably at a 70% rate. About 1/3 of the time she might look a little " rough". I'm BIG on independence so I am not going to pick out her clothes. Here and there I wish he'd have her change and do hair and kind of " once over " based on the place we are heading for.


I’ll be honest. I don’t like going in public with either of his kids because L and Bertha don’t care about their appearance. If I’m looking cute and they look busted. I’m not trying to be associated.

Aurora_Sunset
08-17-2022, 06:24 PM
L is still hell bent on me taking care of his kids (or leaving them at our house all day) while he is at work because he only gets 1-2 days vs 3 days

Then had the audacity to call me selfish.

Yeah after I spent my own money throwing a party for your ungrateful ass & your kids, offered half the day on Saturday (which your bitch ass ex wife refused to transport them here)

Now he’s going to try to talk to our couples therapist one one one and completely try to manipulate the therapist in “telling it to me straight” or “how wrong I am”

I wish I never moved in with him. His baggage is too much.

Fuck that. You OFFERED a perfectly reasonable compromise. If he wants to be mad, he should be mad at his lazy bitch of an ex for refusing to do ANY leg work for transporting her own kids.

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 06:27 PM
I think they are too young ( roughly 11 and 6-7 ? ) to be left alone.
They * almost* can be but that is with more full trust if the kid is older like 12-13.
If he doesn't seem very with it he might not be able to assist the younger one in an emergency.



L is still hell bent on me taking care of his kids (or leaving them at our house all day) while he is at work because he only gets 1-2 days vs 3 days

Then had the audacity to call me selfish.

Yeah after I spent my own money throwing a party for your ungrateful ass & your kids, offered half the day on Saturday (which your bitch ass ex wife refused to transport them here)

Now he’s going to try to talk to our couples therapist one one one and completely try to manipulate the therapist in “telling it to me straight” or “how wrong I am”

I wish I never moved in with him. His baggage is too much.

miss.a.p1600
08-17-2022, 06:35 PM
^his son is 14 and his daughter is 10

I don’t want them in my house all day. And I don’t want Bertha thinking she can unload her kids on my/my house on any random day when L is at work so now it becomes my responsibility.

miss.a.p1600
08-17-2022, 06:38 PM
Fuck that. You OFFERED a perfectly reasonable compromise. If he wants to be mad, he should be mad at his lazy bitch of an ex for refusing to do ANY leg work for transporting her own kids.

EXACTLY!!!

oh his ass is going to get multiple conversations and multiple cold shoulders from me n

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 06:43 PM
^ Oh goodness. From your descriptions I had placed them so much younger.

Uh .... yeah .... at that age they *should* be able to stay and have the place be ok. :(

Really though .... if they can't be trusted alone then that means they are WORK to deal with ..... so he can not just " auto " volunteer you.

miss.a.p1600
08-17-2022, 06:50 PM
^thats his argument

Just leave them at the house alone if you don’t want to take care of them

Well okay. Maybe I’m wrong here but I’ll say it - having this house to yourself all day is a luxury and those kids have done nothing to earn that.

Secondly his son in particular is messy and doesn’t clean up after himself well enough. He also kept adjusting my thermostat multiple times even after he was told not to and caused the bill to increase significantly. So now unless there is a lock or something installed, I do not trust him to not mess with it while we are gone.

Also who is to say Bertha or L will have any limits. Give these mfs ONE day over here when he’s off work then the next thing I know the bitch will be pressing for full custody and have their asses here every day while he’s at work

So no I’d rather not give them the impression they can stay here at this house by themselves when l is at work.

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 06:56 PM
^ I don't really you think you need to bend on that either. At this point it seems proven they are not actually responsible enough to be there solo. Do you live just 15-20 min. from the ex or longer? An extra 30-40 min. isn't easy to drive a day but she ( the ex ) could do one way obviously.

Maybe talk to L about options for them to EARN 2-3 hours at the house by themselves *if* you want to start integrating it at some point later on.
Also ..... the age you mentioned is old enough to ride your bike to the local rec. center or the pool. Get OUT ! Sheesh.
The younger one might need to be dropped at an activity or something.

Good luck.

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 07:00 PM
I'm thinking about my return from the mountains and I *hope* it goes smooth. :/
I am ready to do a ceremonial burning of the entire summer season lol ! Omg.
Maybe I'll seek a Shaman out while I'm up here.

J was so disappointed in me for not giving her more time in the summer ...... I hope he *can* forgive me.
I'm still so embarrassed of us for just cycling downwards ..... me refusing to give time ..... him retaliating for it ...... circles.
I guess it was just really July that was bad ( we had a serious Hawaii vacation in June and looking forward to it even made the rest of June amazing) .

know we are starved for quality time but I wasn't going to cancel *my* trip when HE also did a solo trip in early Aug. !
BOTH trips were responsible for the time starvation.
I wasn't going to just eliminate MINE.
I think we ended up with roughly 15 days on the ground TOGETHER and his kid is here for half of them ( he did ZERO mitigation to take her more during my 8 days of travel apparently ).

I think the cat is *somewhat* out of the bag that I don't work 40 hours in a week.
I'm still sticking to my story of working 37-38 hours! Ha.
I told him too many details. The change happened in late Jan. when I was able to increase my rental rate at my property up North ( but it took like 4 months of " expense recovery " to cover move out repairs and pad a savings for improvement to that property before I could begin counting it is " income " which occurred probably in late May lets say ( so it's a very new thing ).
I think he can just sort of " add up " and figure out my secrets.
WHY can't we just be honest? I could openly talk about working 30-ish hours currently but that I don't want my time " spoken" for since this is a fairly recent change if you think about it . I want that extra time to be MINE for now since I want time to figure out what to do with it. I may actually NEED it soon anyway ( if I circle back to applying for other Tech jobs OR if I start getting serious about getting another rental property ).

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 07:12 PM
^ I'll be honest. We talked about the *options* we had including separating.

At one point he said he thought is was the best option ( and then obviously went back on that thought a couple hours later ).
There was a FULL melt down from my side. I HATED the idea of parting ways ( on that specific day anyway ).
That was early in Aug. right before his solo trip.

At times I can admittedly see the logic in parting.
I'm going to really give some effort but I do just seem to be less happy on days his child is around. I'm not sure that is an ok way to live. I'm hoping my own therapy and our proactive changes will give us some things to work with. He made ACTUAL changes during the last visit with his sister by still keeping our solo time in the evening intact. This made a HUGE difference for me.
We talked openly that I feel that I'm not treated as well when his child is here before my trip.
He is going to try to make some changes. He says he will try to do more affection during those days ( school hours will help obviously ). There were some rough days where I felt just felt tossed aside .... not asked preferences for the day or ANYTHING . I think he was acting that way on the retaliation days in July and maybe he wasn't fully intending it to sting as bad.

We need the therapy consistency to help us stay on track since I'm obviously NOT going to be a full time homemaker ( I can't think of anything I'd rather do less ) and the issue seems to be popping up again at times. In July we were arguing about the same stuff in cycles . He referenced the fact that we both work remotely as evidence that I could have given more time in the summer. Well .... I FOUGHT for years ( 2015 to 2018 ) to work 90% remotely ...... I'LL decide where I'm placing my extra time .

I think the thing I keep coming back to is that I am consistently bummed with the lack of independence his child has. She doesn't even play in her room 30-45 minutes. I think maybe she did the FIRST week school was out. I mentioned that the other day and he agreed but there isn't really a *plan* to try to encourage independence. On the other hand ..... she is only there 3-4 days a week and at one point in our lives he seemed to be ok with me being there like 2 days of each visit. He seemed to not mind for example on a 3 days visit that I'd just be out most of the day one of the days. Then he never seemed to mind that I'd pop a town over and have a little mini trip go over to my AirBnB for a couple days during the longer 4 day visits. I'll have to touch in with him to see if that has changed since he seems to mind that stuff NOW.

I think what has held him back from engagement is that seems like we are not a " bonded " family . It seems like a lot of step parents ( when you crack into forums and such ) enjoy their partner solo MORE than when the kids are there. I have fallen into that majority and he is bummed. I think he really wanted us to fall in the " 10%" or so where BOTH the people love the arrival of the children. I'd say this is actually under 10% from what I read anyway. I don't think he is aware that the odds are THAT low .

The independent stuff I'm referencing isn't for school days . Of course they should just be together 3:30 - 8 or so after school. I just mean on FULL days it feels so " ugh " if there are not even some little breaks here and there of doing SOMETHING independently.

miss.a.p1600
08-17-2022, 07:26 PM
^ I don't really you think you need to bend on that either. At this point it seems proven they are not actually responsible enough to be there solo. Do you live just 15-20 min. from the ex or longer? An extra 30-40 min. isn't easy to drive a day but she ( the ex ) could do one way obviously.

Maybe talk to L about options for them to EARN 2-3 hours at the house by themselves *if* you want to start integrating it at some point later on.
Also ..... the age you mentioned is old enough to ride your bike to the local rec. center or the pool. Get OUT ! Sheesh.
The younger one might need to be dropped at an activity or something.

Good luck.

Excellent idea.

IF I stay with L long enough

Unfortunately Bertha lives like 7 minutes away. So it isn’t going to kill her to drop those kids off she just won’t do it because L always takes over the task and never requires her to do it.

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 07:48 PM
^ 7 min. is nothing ! He can so easily pop over after work and then drop them back to her at bed time!

These posts made it sound like he was driving over an hour each day for this lol !

Everyone has their boundaries.
I'm the same in certain ways . There was *one* day 9 months ago his ex asked J to take daughter for 24 hours ( with 30 min. notice ) because she was having " bad mental health ".

Um ..... ME too ! Lol
I struggle mentally at times . Being disorganized ISN'T going to solve it! I asked him if we could take 4-5 hours and THEN bring the daughter back to her Mom in the evening ! I think at one point I offered to bring food and a movie over FOR HER and daughter instead of bringing daughter over. I wanted to send a message that those are YOUR days and MINE won't be compromised. Basically .... build your support network ( that isn't us ) for those bad days. I think it worked. She hasn't asked us for anything short notice since.

miss.a.p1600
08-17-2022, 08:18 PM
^EXACTLY Carmen.

I honestly feel like for me at least L is so consumed with pacifying his ex wife and enabling his codependent relationship with his children he can’t understand how *I* have needs too.

I don’t want to be obligated to your kids while you’re at work. Unless I offer. Period.

Have ya ever thought that I want a break from weekly obligations for my mental sanity? Tf?!?

That’s excellent his ex hasn’t hounded for last minute drop offs.

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 08:23 PM
^ Plus it's 14 min. round trip.
Just 7 min. if the ex would do one route.
He's losing nothing with the plan except 14 minutes.

miss.a.p1600
08-17-2022, 08:26 PM
^ I'll be honest. We talked about the *options* we had including separating.

At one point he said he thought is was the best option ( and then obviously went back on that thought a couple hours later ).
To be honest there was a FULL melt down from my side. I HATED the idea of parting ways ( on that specific day anyway ).
That was early in Aug. right before his solo trip.

At times I can admittedly see the logic in parting.
I'm going to really give some effort but I just seem to be less happy on days his child is around. I'm not sure that is an ok way to live. I'm hoping my own therapy and our changes will give us some things to work with. He made ACTUAL changes during the last visit with his sister by still keeping our solo time in the evening intact. This made a HUGE difference for me.
We talked openly that I feel that I'm not treated as well when his child is here before my trip.
He is going to try to make some changes. He says he will try to do more affection during those days ( school hours will help obviously ) but I swear there were some rough days where I felt just literally tossed aside ..... like .... not asked preferences for the day or ANYTHING . I think he was acting that way on the retaliation days and maybe he wasn't fully intending it to sting as bad.

We need the therapy consistency to help us stay on track since I'm obviously NOT going to be a full time homemaker ( I can't think of anything I'd rather do less ) and the issue seems to be popping up again at times. We just kept arguing about the same stuff in cycles . He referenced the fact that we both work remotely as evidence that I could have given more time in the summer. Well .... I FOUGHT to work 90% remotely ...... so I think I'll decide where I'm placing my extra time .

I think the thing I keep coming back to is that I am consistently bummed with the lack of independence his child has. She doesn't even play in her room 30-45 minutes. I think maybe she did the FIRST week school was out. I mentioned that the other day and he agreed but there isn't really a *plan* to try to encourage independence. On the other hand ..... she is only there 3-4 days a week and at one point in our lives he seemed to be ok with me being there like 2 days of each visit. He seemed to not mind for example on a 3 days visit that I'd just be out most of the day one of the days. Then he never seemed to mind that I'd pop a town over and have a little mini trip or over to my AirBnB for a couple days of a mini trip during the longer 4 day visits. I'll have to touch in with him to see if that has changed. I think what he held him back from engagement is that seems like we are not a " bonded " family . It seems like a lot of step parents ( when you crack into forums and such ) really enjoy their partner solo MORE than when the kids are there too. I have fallen into that majority and he is bummed. I think he really wanted us to fall in the " 10%" or so that BOTH the people seems to really love the arrival of the children. I'd say this is actually under 10% from what I read anyway.


i think it’s normal.

most people with kids have delusions of grandeur on behalf of their “perfect angels” but reality is kids takes A LOT of resources especially if there are multiple kids, the kids are really needy, etc.

I think L would be 90% more tolerable if he didn’t have kids /weren’t so enmeshed with his kids.

I’m also surprised you all talked about the options which included separating. I really felt more distant from L after he said he thought *I* was selfish meanwhile he’s the most selfish person I know right now. Constantly trying to force me to be an idle doormat while him, his ex wife, and his kids run this household.

I thought about running into the room and telling him I’m leaving his ass and his endless baggage

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 08:30 PM
Oh I'm sure ! ^
I remember my ex and I when things were good it was so easy .... just like ... where should we meet to eat ?
Should we have a coffee before work ? haha

I obviously still have hope for myself + J !
If we can both give a little ..... meet in the middle !

I think we *did* have to discuss it . I was having real issues with his decision to let her linger around all day ( and at the time I hadn't joined the co-working space yet .... a mistake on my part ). I was doing those " check in's " with myself where you rate your happiness and I always just kind of hit the 5-6 range *most* kid days and maybe a 7 on a really fun well planned day ha. Part of it though is that I was fearful of sharing that information . I was trying to keep it a huge secret that I was less happy on those days. Talking openly might lead to some changes. He said he is going to try to more affectionate on days she is here . I don't really know quite what it will look like but I do know I dread the lack of affection when she is here ( similar to the lack during having a house guest ).

I don't know.... we didn't really have these huge issues when school was in OR when summer was handled right last year.
So it could just be that it was " too much " time for me personally over the summer.
I wish he wouldn't have taken personal offense to the idea that " ALL DAY " was too much .
I'm sure 99% of women would feel the same !

carmen_b
08-17-2022, 08:44 PM
I'll tell you the other secret too which I might delete later ha

He still isn't really doing sex in the house when she is there. That seems fine I guess if school is in session but to do that weirdness AND have them lingering all day ....... kind of asking for trouble.
THEN ( and it might be my own preferences talking ) it just puts this crazy amount of pressure on us on the " off " days.

I bought this lock / key thing that makes ANY interior door locking .
So ..... we can turn our TV room to sexy room now ( the only closed off downstairs room ) .
I do kind of see his point since the actual bedrooms are so close to each other upstairs.

miss.a.p1600
08-18-2022, 05:41 AM
Hopefully a key and lock will help L feel more okay about it.

Wait till she’s asleep if you can (make sure she’s had lots of physical activity so she can go to sleep early or even get some kiddie melatonin) so that way the chances of her coming to look for him (or him feeling the need to hover over her) are slim to none.

carmen_b
08-18-2022, 06:43 AM
She is good about staying in the room after 8:45. I very rarely ever see her come out.
In the last 6 months .... never. So it's pretty safe I'd say to get up to some things downstairs if we want to.
We don't need to since we have breaks now but to put this extreme pressure on us on our off days is not good.
Like ... what if one / both of us are sick a few days on our off days and THEN he won't fool around at all when she is here ?
The pressure is just too much.


Hopefully a key and lock will help L feel more okay about it.

Wait till she’s asleep if you can (make sure she’s had lots of physical activity so she can go to sleep early or even get some kiddie melatonin) so that way the chances of her coming to look for him (or him feeling the need to hover over her) are slim to none.

carmen_b
08-18-2022, 07:01 AM
Yep all it took was that was that one day of push back ( from me ) and it stopped which is great.




That’s excellent his ex hasn’t hounded for last minute drop offs.

carmen_b
08-18-2022, 07:03 AM
I'm assuming your partner *has* to work weekends ? Like ..... one day at least ? It seems like another easy solution is if he could just work M - F then HE could be fully there for them Friday after school until Sunday evening.

How did the therapist react to his assumption ? :)


The summer is over but L is STILL acting like a passive aggressive mega cunt all because his kids spent the night one night at this house and not 2 like they wanted.

Mind you he saw them on his off days Friday and Saturday night/Sunday but the fact that I tried to offer a compromise which Bertha rejected and I didn’t want the responsibility of taking care of them Friday night/Saturday day while he was at work he is still raging at ME

FUCK HIM AND THOSE KIDS.

He admitted to the therapist that he expected me to host his kids at our house while he was at work. I was like bruh! Wtf?!? YOURE NOT THERE so how are you spending time with them when you’re not even at the house? He refused to take the day off like I suggested and Bertha refused to drop them off at 3pm Saturday so I wouldn’t have to be responsible for them all night Friday and all day Saturday (I had important shit to do).

THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE SELFISH ONES!

I cannot wait to leave and just let Bertha have her free Uber/manny back.

Better men out here who are better providers, better lovers, better spouses, without all the baggage of ex wives/kids and lackluster finances.

I deal with a lot from this asshole and the fact he had the audacity to call ME selfish while using those kids to try to tread on my boundaries every weekend is really grating my nerves.

miss.a.p1600
08-18-2022, 11:30 AM
^Right. Sometimes he has both sat and Sun off but usually it’s one day during the weekend. I don’t understand why he won’t just use a vacation day to spend an extra weekend day.

carmen_b
08-18-2022, 03:33 PM
^ He could be saving them to go somewhere with you .
It's only 14 minutes . He is crazy for making it a continued issue.
I'll bet Bertha is asking for more " full " weekend breaks and going against what she said about you not " being around them " !

I laugh when I hear these stories on forums of what women do to " keep the other woman " away from the kids .
If you were worried about it then don't divorce him then ( in my case in particular ha ).
I do know J's ex had difficulty when I came along.
Dude ..... he's good looking and successful . Someone else would have nabbed him quick if I didn't lol !
These women need to relax. No one wants to " take over " . We are just being nice because other human beings are in the same household. The Mom can do 100% of the mothering. I fully support that ! Would you RATHER we acted horribly towards the kids ?

carmen_b
08-18-2022, 05:38 PM
I'm a little worried since I'm out of town and *earlier* this month ( I think it was the 2nd or 3rd of Aug. ) he at least for a couple hours seemed to think we were in a better place separately . We quickly " came out " of that idea.

( deleted rest haha )

carmen_b
08-18-2022, 06:56 PM
I have to try not to be paranoid.
Like ..... he either will use the trip to pack up my stuff or he will go forward with what we said in the last communication. We said we were fighting for us and going forward ! It's just hard to have that conversation and then have only two days to ourselves ..... then I'm out of town for 8 days. The trip honestly was probably not that well thought out on my part .

I just made the mistake of asking for reassurance that we are *not* breaking up.
Like ..... please let me delete that text back.

carmen_b
08-18-2022, 08:25 PM
^ Eh whatever .... he didn't care lol !

He sent something asking me to get our show to try to watch it together ( sweet ) and said something like " I love you and try to relax " , ha .

miss.a.p1600
08-19-2022, 01:17 AM
Every break, every holiday, every weekend ……. They’re being pushed off over here.

Not doing it.

miss.a.p1600
08-19-2022, 04:51 AM
So….you’re right Carmen.

She’s going against the “I don’t want other women around my kids” because her dumb ass realized it’s easier to inconvenience me than inconvenience herself taking care of her own kids.

Hoe! Accept your child support, sit down, take care of your kids (or call up your family to help you), and (unless I offer) leave me tf alone!

Look L and Rasputia, find other resources for your kids. Miss doesn’t do indentured slave work, free nanny work, or any other work that’s unbeneficial and or uncompensated

carmen_b
08-19-2022, 09:34 PM
^ I don't mind giving some time as long as it's reasonable.
I'm comfy with a couple solo hours with her a week ( typically he would use that to work out ).
I don't mind time with all three of us.
I just wish he NEVER would have asked for any time in the 9-5 M to F range.
He didn't really ask for much. It was like one hour when the bug guy was here ( the request a couple weeks ago ).
I think it's just this sense of " what will it be next " .
Like .... if he assured me he was only asking for 2 hours max during those hours I'd feel much more comfy.

I think it is more of a concept or " vibe" to us than him needing a certain amount of numbers too.
Like ... he doesn't mind being a little frazzled multi tasking during those hours and I DO.

I don't know.
It's been 6 days now for this trip and I'm still about 48 hours away from being home.
I do miss him.

I had an exhaustion and pms fueled texting binge that overwhelmed him too. Oops.
When HE was on a plane a couple weeks ago sending a ton of texts over I chatted and responded even as I was moving though errands!
I felt like he didn't let conversation flow at all yesterday . When I was sending things he could have said " oh I don't have time right now ".

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 05:23 AM
Well that’s the thing *I have* given a few occasions

I took his soon out a couple occasions for a few hours when L wanted to workout alone.

I watched his son solo after his COVID shot when L was at work

I took his daughter out a couple hours for a power walk when he wanted to bond with his son one on one.

Watched them both as this house while he was at work and Bertha was complaining about leaving them here with me.

Watched them both when he went to the gym.

So I have done it multiple occasions.

He just conveniently “forgets” when I cover for him and expects me to always say yes to his incessant never ending requests.

I just have a problem with the EXPECTATION (“what? You don’t want to be mine and berthas indentured slave taking care of those kids n being on-call 42/7 without compensation? Fuck you selfish cunt!”), spontaneity (hey can you take my daughter with you in 5 min/can you pick up my kids from school in 7min I can’t make it) and the frequency (every weekend, every time he’s off)

Plus I don’t feel like I really get any benefits from helping L, Bertha, and his kids. I dread the uncompensated work.

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 06:34 AM
^ Yes, I'd say that is accurate.

J still does pay for the housing and 75% of groceries so I can afford less work hours.
I'm considering maybe giving more like 4-5 of the 9-5 M - F hours coming up.
I have a quirk where I wish I could just be entirely left alone those hours BUT I haven't had a guy pitch in more like J does so maybe there is some fairness to me giving a little extra time and not being *so* hardcore. I think I just learned to protect those hours .

Yes, we went on trips but I pitched in a bit for the last couple ( like $1500 of the total $4750 roughly Hawaii trip ). Getting to Portland was stupid expensive ( I think the flight was $650 ) and I paid for half of that. On a trip like that his company is also paying ( which is GREAT and fine with me ) ...... it isn't really J proactive and being thoughtful by taking me somewhere. It's more like that HIS flight and hotel are covered so we are making an adventure of it.

He has been generous and I'm not arguing that at all .
I don't know ... maybe even typing this out I could just offer 4-5 hours in the M - F 9-5 range and see if it improves things for us.
I just feel like since there isn't an allowance and I'm still responsible for all my own savings, car, phone, health bills, ect. I do need to at least protect my time somewhat . I can be like " oh I'll work 20 hours and be support for your life " . But admittedly ..... I could probably give 4-6 hours a week in that time and see if it improves things for us.

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 06:34 AM
^ I don't mind giving some time as long as it's reasonable.
I'm comfy with a couple solo hours with her a week ( typically he would use that to work out ).
I don't mind time with all three of us.
I just wish he NEVER would have asked for any time in the 9-5 M to F range.
He didn't really ask for much. It was like one hour when the bug guy was here ( the request a couple weeks ago ).
I think it's just this sense of " what will it be next " .
Like .... if he assured me he was only asking for 2 hours max during those hours I'd feel much more comfy.


This is how I feel too.

Like if I give y’all an hour or three here….now what? You expect me to take care of your kids every weekend, every emergency, every vacation Bertha takes, just I don’t want to be “on-call” and obligated to host her kids at this house every single time.

And for me, I find L pushing into my boundaries on this. Demanding more and more till his dumb ass has full custody and one or both of those kids living here full time.

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 08:22 AM
Instead of the couples therapy helping (granted we only had one session) it’s just further making me realize how immature, passive aggressive /petty, financially irresponsible, codependent, and needy he is.

I want to leave before this job starts but I’m just going to be patient and stack my money. Then leave. It was not the best idea to live with him.

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 08:33 AM
^ Isn’t renting a room a couple months an option ?
I think if it’s done you can’t really give him anymore time.
I’m not sure....

Because if you are there in his mind you guys are “ working on it “.
I guess the option of disclosure is there but it’s risky a bit.

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 08:43 AM
Yes. I’m worried if I say “hey L we both know this isn’t going to work” “I don’t want to be yours/Berthas indentured slave, I deserve way better and I’ll move out in a month” then he will act really petty during that time frame or be like well just leave right now. And I really need to get this job rolling before I have to deal with any other major things rn

I refuse to give him any more power that he doesn’t deserve

I’m trying to “work on this” with a therapist so I can live my remaining time here in peace and quietly stack as much as possible. But I’m losing my patience FAST anytime he tries to proposition me for free sex after he tried to use me as a free nanny and called me selfish. I’m so turned OFF.

I think some of these low ego men are thinking “hey let me pump and dump, fill you up with cum, and possibly try to slick impregnate you (good luck procuring an abortion cause I ain’t paying, good luck getting child support if you do have a kid cause I ain’t paying), before you try to leave me……

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 08:48 AM
^ Id just say that this new gig involves tons of time ....

For now he needs to be fully responsible for kid stuff. You can’t give more than 1-2 hours solo with them and a couple hours all together of each visit..... because of the work hours.

If you don’t see them at all won’t he melt down ?

You can even claim you work weekends. How would he know ? If he asks why you work so much tell him “ you didn’t get the raise as promised so I had to take action “.

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 08:59 AM
^ Therapy at first can feel like it doesn’t do much . You need 3-5 sessions in my experience to get your background covered and “ crack in “ on issues.

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 09:00 AM
^He’s still seeing them. I’d never say he couldn’t see them. I just have a problem with them at this house while he’s at work (whether I’m here or they’re left here by themselves)

I feel like if I allow those kids here by themselves …. It will absolutely open Pandora’s box for just a complete free for all 24/7 drop off site.

That the exact point I had to bring up to the therapist when he played the victim role. He saw them Friday on his day off (took them to the mall and helped Bertha by giving them new clothes), dropped them back off at her house Friday night then picked them up sat eve (cause I refused to do all day with them here) after he got off work, spent the night then took them back Sunday.

Bertha lives 7 min away so while it was an inconvenience to L driving more and Bertha being responsible for her kids while L was at work.

He’s just not getting the extra overnight and day that he wants me to do to help Bertha get her 3 day weekend. And to help him watch them while he’s at work.

He IS melting down. Because I won’t just go along with doing it his and berthas way. AND calling me selfish.

Okay but you saw your kids on both your off days so FUCK YOU AND Bertha!

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 09:03 AM
^ It’s all a spectrum. There are a couple women on this other forum that leave town almost always when their partner has the kids haha !
Similar to my friend V keeping her own place for 5-6 years !
She would do that too . Had her place and if she wanted a full week of no kids it was just done !
L just won’t accept that the time and care should be ALL HIM.
If you give one hour in a week it’s more than you need to as they literally are not your kids.

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 09:06 AM
^ It’s all a spectrum. There are a couple women on this other forum that leave town almost always when their partner has the kids haha !
Similar to my friend V keeping her own place !
She would do that too . Had her place and if she wanted a week of no kids it was just done !

I have seriously thought about that!

How *maybe* it could work with him if I didn’t have to live with him or could leave town every weekend he had his kids.

That would put up the boundary of expecting me to take care of his kids when he’s at work.

Another problem I’m noticing is sometimes he purposely (I think) doesn’t tell me his work/parenting schedule so that I am forced to be stuck here with him and his kids and if I leave he gets offended. So there definitely needs to be a conversation (in therapy) about the expectation of making this house a 24/7 respite care for Bertha and her kids. And anything over like you say 4 step parenting hours a month is too much!

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 09:09 AM
^ What I meant was YOU seeing them.
I know he will.
But the new gig and extra hours could be the “ reason “ you have 1-2 hours for them solo ( just you and them ) and two hours as a family per week.

^ If he would accept this you wouldn’t have issues though ha !
Maybe he could accept it a couple weeks at least during “ the hours increasing “ at new gig.

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 09:18 AM
^ I meant 4 hours a week ( for someone who wanted to limit the hours ).

I think most people give more time than that ( at least as family hours ).

I just meant if you could set a limit of 3-4 a week it could help him know most of the time is ON HIM.

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 09:19 AM
Oh!!! You’re right. I don’t want to never see them but I just want to be able to OFFER and not have it Forced, Expected, Guilted upon me (especially spontaneously)

This past weekend I did feel a bit guilty they didn’t have as many overnights at the house because L was sick with COVID but I saw that as the perfect time to gain a break from child obligations and have a quiet house, .

SO I planned a party for the kids and invited their cousins.

It frustrated me L didn’t give me any money towards and AND STILL complained about not having his kids over 2 nights instead of 1 night THEN called me selfish.

I feel like unless it’s done HIS AND BERTHAS way he won’t ever be satisfied

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 09:27 AM
^ Id say you gave a lot.
But I have a severe hatred of people in my house.
I’d only do a party at a park ha ( if I was in charge ).

We hosted one adults party.
Not a fan.
Let’s meet people out at other places where we don't live!
J and one of his sisters were there and they are both too nice lol !
We had a couple lingerers ( after we picked stuff up and were turning off lights ).
I'm ruthless and would have just said " should we get you an Uber ? " .

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 10:14 AM
^haha ikr! Park = So no clean up necessary.

miss.a.p1600
08-20-2022, 03:42 PM
L is taking off days this weekend so he can take care of his kids.

Thank goodness he is using HIS time off and not forcing kids onto my schedule without my consent.

His tone was really demanding. I’m to limit my time there anyways and do the minimum until he comes all the way correct.

carmen_b
08-20-2022, 04:28 PM
I might experiment next week with a disclosure that I'm working 32 hours THAT week and not being quite so hard core about those hours ( I'll block off 32 obviously ). The goal would be for more flow around the house ( I'll make sure to prep a couple meals and possibly have enough for leftovers ). I might have to ask for really clear details on what he is expecting. In another group I asked about the household stuff and if other people would give some time ( if self employed ) during business hours. i'm curious what people will say.

I kind of thought the whole " getting spoiled " thing for me was a trade off for HIS schedule being limited . I called it " even " because with almost 50% custody his schedule has limitations and THAT is hard. So I kind of thought I was getting spoiled AS a thank you for tolerating it !

I decided to not really count the increase in my rental property up North as " real " income yet until it has at least 6-8 months of CONSISTENCY . I know I seem to keep picking at this issue but I'm trying to brainstorm. Not paying rent and much for groceries probably saves $1600-$1700 a month but my partners time is more limited. Isn’t that kind of a draw ?

I am trying to meet in the middle somewhere.