Log in

View Full Version : The Step Parent Corner …… rant, brag, shine, or cry here



Pages : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 [20] 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33

miss.a.p1600
09-10-2022, 05:29 AM
^i find its typical for men to make excuses when confronted with the unpleasant truth about their behavior

L mentioned his kids coming to spend the night. His ass was like “oh they’re only going to be here one day”

Um no bitch. They’re going to be here one evening, one overnight, one morning, and one afternoon. That’s PLENTY of time for them AND YOU to invade my space, barely clean up, be annoying (talking loudly/banging doors/his son gaming all damn night etc)

Not gonna lie, I’m dreading it.

I feel like L has completely tainted the entire process with his pushy controlling “LOVE MY KIDS” “Enjoy my baggage!” “Accept my misogynistic tendencies while you bend over backwards for me” “I’m so great that you should do all this emotional and physical labor for me for free” Narrative that I’m done with all these mfs!!!

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 08:49 AM
I suspect my partner is having a hard time relaxing and accepting that I don't want to sink my schedule into the entire 3-4 days his child is visiting.
I'm really trying to get him to see it can WORK without both adults just being in the house constantly up the others peoples buttholes in the house. It IS possible to have a balanced life ! I should be able to have a more " adult " looking life . He is getting the perks of ME not coming into this with children of my own ( easier schedule / tons of flex ect. )
Honestly ..... by day two of hanging out doing family friendly stuff .... I'm just done.
He needs to take over on day 3 and 4 of these visits.

We are on track with forward movement but sometimes I'll catch him being overly needy and it makes me wonder if a separation might be the best. I try to tactfully shut down the neediness.

I'll give an example . We were in Denver last week ( the trip I referenced in another thread wishing he paid for my ticket ha ) and I'm trying my best to make sure this trip is amazing. We were on the ground 5 days and he got sexual " something " like 4 days out of it. These were BUSY days ( the days on the ends also included travel for example ).
I guess from my perspective he should just have ZERO complaints period.

He feels at times I don't give enough around the house so I'm trying to be more clean ( bathroom declutter + making sure I run dishes through ) but I think there is an energetic element that he is missing. He is super spoiled by me . If he keep picking at things I will take ALL the perks away. I think he even said something this morning about " oh our vacations always work but regular life doesn't " . Dude ..... that is how vacations WORK . It's a luxury and you feel more sexual energy . Our regular life DOES work.

I think in general he is having a hard time accepting that if we get engaged / married ..... I'm STILL not going to sink my entire schedule just into HIS LIFE . He should work with this ! It would help us not get bored !

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 09:00 AM
So he is doing something really over the top for his daughters birthday ( in my opinion what he is up to should have been done in a closer state and taken two days ). The thing as planned will take four days. I think he has started to dread this thing and the travel it will take.

He can't just be ultra needy with ME because he CHOSE to do this large scale thing.
Just go do it ! I've been supportive of it !
It also means I get the house to myself for 4 days this Monday through Thursday. :)

I always get so offended when men complain but these open conversations are the platform for it I guess.

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 11:25 AM
There was something about his energy the last few days that didn't seem about *me*.
I just checked this stock he is holding ( 10,000 shares ) from his last company and it's DOWN.
Like way down. I think I'm 95% sure what his fussiness is about !
Sheesh just say that.
Honestly I think it's a HOLD but I realize the down phase is nail biting painful.

^ I feel for him on the change of events but :
A. I have watched this stocks for years and years and I'm 90% sure it'll be fine.
B. It'll be fine even if he just dumps it as is ! It’s still something even as is.

I think he has been picking at me for a month over THIS.

miss.a.p1600
09-10-2022, 12:22 PM
I suspect my partner is having a hard time relaxing and accepting that I don't want to sink my schedule into the entire 3-4 days his child is visiting.
I'm really trying to get him to see it can WORK without both adults just being in the house constantly up the others peoples buttholes in the house. Like .... it IS possible to have a balanced life ! I should be able to have a more " adult " looking life . He is getting the perks of ME not coming into this with children of my own ( easier schedule / tons of flex ect. )
Honestly ..... by day two of hanging out doing family friendly stuff .... I'm just done.
He needs to take over on day 3 and 4 of these visits.

We are on track with forward movement but sometimes I'll catch him being overly needy and it makes me wonder if a separation might be the best. I have to then try to tactfully shut down the neediness.

I'll give an example . We were in Denver last week ( the trip I referenced in another thread wishing he paid for my ticket ha ) and I'm trying my best to make sure this trip is amazing. We were on the ground 5 days and he got sexual " something " like 4 days out of it. These were BUSY days ( the days on the ends also included travel for example ).
I guess from my perspective he should just have ZERO complaints period.

He feels at times I don't give enough around the house so I'm trying to be more clean ( bathroom declutter + making sure I run dishes through ) but I think there is an energetic element that he is missing. He is super spoiled by me . If he keep picking at things I will take ALL the perks away. I think he even said something this morning about " oh our vacations always work but regular life doesn't " . Dude ..... that is how vacations WORK . It's a luxury and you feel more sexual energy . Our regular life DOES work.

I think in general he is having a hard time accepting that if we get engaged / married ..... I'm STILL not going to sink my entire schedule just into HIS LIFE . He should work with this ! It would help us not get bored !

L is t.h.e. EXACT same way.

These divorced dads cannot comprehend that no rational woman wants her life to revolve around another woman’s kids like how they do.

Ok YOUR life (and your ex wife’s life) revolves around your kid.

Cool.

But I am not that kids mom and it is my OPTION (not my obligation) to spend as much or as little time.

Unless you adopt that kid, you’re not obligated.

These divorced dads need to check their male privilege at the door.

The only men who should expect their new partners life to revolve around their step kids is a man who is paying at least 50k to take you off your job and devote to the kids and the household. Otherwise their expectation is unreasonable unrealistic and absurd and a prime example of male privilege

You rarely see women with kids doing this.

Its the men who act like they need so much help with child rearing that they unload their obligations on their new partner.

Um NO!!!

*just my opinion

miss.a.p1600
09-10-2022, 12:25 PM
There was something about his energy the last few days that didn't seem about *me*.
I checked this stock he is holding ( 10,000 shares ) from his last company and it's DOWN.
Like way down. I think I'm 95% sure what his fussiness is about !
Sheesh just say that.
Honestly I think it's a HOLD but I realize the down phase is nail biting painful.

^ I feel for him on the change of events but :
A. I have watched this stocks for years and years and I'm 90% sure it'll be fine.
B. It'll be fine even if he just dumps it as is !

I actually think he has been picking at me for a month over THIS.


When men are losing money or not making enough - their energy IS off and they are more combative

ugh!

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 12:45 PM
^ I feel for him but my own portfolio is down too.
It’ll come up .
Relax. We have so much.
Gratitude !

If he explains his “ complaints “ to someone it’ll be like “ Oh I only got something sexual 5 times Sept 1-10”!
No one is going to feel bad for you !
They are just going to want to know how to get ahold of me haha!

I did figure it out I’m 99% sure.
He had really odd complaints during our talk such as he felt like our dates were too expensive .
I said no problem we will cut back.
I was working with him this whole time !

I find it amusing he’s not just being up front about this.
I’m always watching the market myself lol so it's not like I won't notice this.

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 02:00 PM
I didn't explain this trip well I'm realizing .
He actually has daughter 6 days.
Tonight and tomorrow is a location near to us ( but a drive ) and THEN they travel to another state for 4 days starting Monday with a Thursday return.
He knows I wasn’t going today .
I said I’d link up tomorrow.

I just feel so worn out honestly.
I'm regretting my plan to drive two hours to spend tomorrow evening with them .
I'm really not sure if I want to join up tomorrow but maybe having the house to myself tonight will help.

I HATE the ambient noise of people packing stuff up so I had to leave from about 1:15 - 3:45 but came but have him a hug goodbye before leaving.

Sorry my stuff today is SUCH a novel.

****DON'T QUOTE BELOW HERE PLEASE I MIGHT DELETE *********
I also did the *ultimate* bad thing last night ...... stopped a BJ.
He was SO into it but was taking a long time .
I started to feel trauma related panic and I had to just stop for a moment.
BUT ....... I kind of froze in the moment and then fell asleep.

So the full story is that he was being super weird this morning ( lurking around to the point I could barely enjoy my coffee ).
He was SO upset and talking about breaking up ( which at times I'm not opposed to currently ).
I was doing better this morning and we were able to finish the activities but really ...... referencing a break up when we JUST made so much progress in a conversation not even 24 hours prior ? We both ended the talk saying we felt good about things ! The last 3 weeks have been SO much progress.

Now you all have the full story ha !

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 06:35 PM
^ Miss P I think you tried to edit something.
I don't care about the quotes so much haha. We can discuss the unfinished BJ.

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 06:38 PM
I mean ..... sheesh. I finished it in the morning.
I think it was just a quirky thing.
I didn't know his schedule was THAT restrictive today.
He probably mentioned it but I didn't really put it together.

I gave him the choice.
Make his flight instructor wait 10-12 minutes for him ( he has done it to us before ) or don't .

This was his " bad treatment" this week.
Monday - sexy times via hotel extending check out
Tues / Wed. ( kid was here , break )
Thurs . - amazing sexy times
to elaborate I was in a phase of wanting only vibe / cuddles but I broke it this week at the hotel . I forgot how good he is at oral lol and we had a repeat of that at home ......
Friday - the failed BJ of doom
Sat. - I fixed it ! ^

I do feel bad we got into this argue cycle again.
He says I'm " using " him ........ ( insert reminder that I don't get an allowance here ) .....
I told him to not treat me like a blow up doll.
At the time it felt justified but now maybe the phrasing was hurtful to him.

What I *really* meant to say was " Hey , we have more time for each other after this travel. Lets try to relax. We just had some great sexy times . More are in store in LESS than a week. "

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 06:42 PM
^ I'm not sure what I am describing above would fit into ANYONES idea of a " slow sex life " or vibes of love life not being enough ........
I hope he apologizes.
I'm not the one who booked a flight lesson on a Saturday at 8:30 a.m. ?

carmen_b
09-10-2022, 07:48 PM
I do think I'm a point where I'm wondering if this is *possibly* coercive abuse.
On one hand ..... I do WANT a vibrant sex life .
There is just a certain pressure .
I think a high drive person should be able to accept an answer of " ok you are getting something on average three times a week ".
We got up to something Sunday too going a little further back on the calendar.
I think I'm going to reach out to a counselor or my own therapist about this .

Maybe I'm tired and over thinking ....... but it seems weird to say " we might need to separate " .
He could have said " I'm desperate for you to finish the BJ " or " I'm leaving for 5.5 days can we please make time for something ".

Talking about separating is something that seems off / aggressive after such a good overall week together.

I feel like I went above and beyond !!!

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 05:45 AM
Shit L threw in my face a couple time he thought I was with another man and said “if you don’t think I’m providing good enough” you can find someone else.

Well sir your wish is my command

We’ve already dry broken up. And I’ve mentally checked out. I only was sexual with L once in 30 day. Because he was annoying tf out of me all month (see above and won’t stop pushing his kids off on me then whining like a bitch when I set boundaries).

MY OPINION these divorced dudes with kids don’t like the unpleasant truth.

The truth = they are aggressive and pushy about their kids (it’s like a take this messy sloppy hovering baggage or leave it - I’ll leave it).

Any perceived slight (ex. Refusing to help them take care of their kids, holding them accountable, setting boundaries)= them lashing out at you.

Nothing is good enough for them, them/the ex/those kids will rarely appreciate the sacrifices you made for them (I have to keep notes and constantly remind L how I’ve provided from him and his kids and even his ex wife indirectly whenever he goes off on the deep end of victim ingrate mode)

And I knew this but my dumb ass thought maybe I’m overgeneralizing (no I’m not) is that unless they are multimillionaires and taking you off your job, it’s NOT worth it to deal with divorced dads with little kids.

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 06:01 AM
^ I think I’m possibly being abused too.

No one wants to be forced to do unpaid jobs, coerced to have sex, and forced to take on these dudes baggage and unresolved issues THEY have

Im sorry but J getting pissy about an unfinished blow job then threatening you with a break up and accusing you of “using” him IS nasty!

*just my opinion again

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 08:05 AM
^ I’m not sure it’s abuse but you can’t kick at your partner because *you* are down.
I guess I should talk to him and let him know that I'm aware the stock is down .

I honestly thought we had an amazing last 9-10 days and we were on this upswing .
We talked in early Aug about certain changes. I made them ( more cleanliness at house ) . We seemed very well connected ( emotionally / sexy times ). So I definitely had become super confused about the “ let’s set aside time to talk “ thing on Thursday .

I mean when I was talking about sexy times three times a week I meant that on average or as a minimum ! I didn’t mean I was capping it off . I think I read an article or something to tell the higher drive person what to expect ( while being realistic ) . I don’t know if it’s abuse but ... why the over the top neediness the last two days we were together ? I think it had been a long time since we had a quiet house together ( going way back on calendar before the trip ).

Yes, unfortunately I think L has done some abusive things.
While you can’t really expect him to accept an answer of giving “ zero “ time per week to his kids he can’t seem to accept anything reasonable either. Like you could offer 2-3 hours solo with them the first visit day and then three hours doing family stuff the 2nd visit day.
I feel like that’s ( averaged ) plenty for a two day visit per week but he can’t seem to accept it .

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 08:10 AM
I’d also like to add Carmen that I thing these dudes have LONG memories

Men are notorious for not handling their emotions well. They will totally lash at you for something they “perceive” as offensive you did weeks ago and forgot about. Plus the money thing. It chips at their ego

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 08:10 AM
^ Plus L has been manipulative on purpose.
We all caught on that he was withholding info about when he had the kids. This is something his ex and him would need to discuss . The odds are slim he actually had him pick them up just 5 minutes later .

He also lied about getting the raise and the “ two days a week “ thing.

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 08:14 AM
^ Well I was working with him.
I agreed maybe I didn’t do enough and tried to get more going .
I’d do the stuff early too ( like right after dinner or early in morning ) so he didn’t even see a mess .
I started picking takeout up too.

But ... my mental health is an issue too I’ll admit .
I’m very tired and probably need to up my Wellbutrin .
My depression issues are 90% feeling exhausted so it can be confusing when it just presents as a physical symptom . I became confused over if my energy was anywhere near normal OR if J was throwing it off being needy. It’s a touch of both probably !

I’d like my guy to be able to settle down you know if I AM doing what he asked and he’s getting the sexy times too. What else is there to complain about ?

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 09:52 AM
^I admit Carmen I have been giving zero time and basically tolerating them in my space.

For me I’m done with how aggressive and forceful he was (and still is) about expecting me to take care of them when he was at work or when his ex was on vacation, not recognizing the times I voluntarily help them and had his kids 1on1, to the point I didn’t want to do ANY of it.

I was like well if your going to be an ingrate when I volunteer, forcefully expect me to do it when I don’t volunteer, haggle me by being emotionally manipulative, etc then I will just do ME and do what *I* want.

Especially now that I have two jobs and he’s still shuffling his feet to make more money, I’ve literally checked out from this situation mentally and soon it will be physically

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 09:57 AM
His daughter begging to leave. Lol!

I wouldn’t object to them BOTH leaving right now and if L stayed gone I’d be okay with that too

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 10:02 AM
^ Yeah, I see how you reached that point where you just folded !

I DIDN'T reach that point with J !
We traveled and then had his his daughter two days.
We ate together both days and watched half a movie each day.
I do think he got mad about one of the days ( when we got after travel ) because I went up to take a nap after dinner for like 75 min. !
He just needs to understand that I'll always resurface ....... a break will keep it all sustainable and it's not an insult to anyone.

I DO admit though that I wasn't *bummed* that we only had two days in the 9 day span Sept. 1-9.
Plus I knew they were traveling the 10th too.
Maybe he thought I needed to be more " on " since we only had the two days ?

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 10:03 AM
I offered to cook with his daughter; she declined and wanted rest.

I wanted rest too since I worked 6 days/over 40 hours.

So I cannot spend time with his kids until he starts pulling in more money.

I’m not working for free and I’m not tolerating his career performance excuses either.

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 10:04 AM
I'll pray ya that you get a text in an hour " We all decided to just stay with Bertha " lol !


His daughter begging to leave. Lol!

I wouldn’t object to them BOTH leaving right now and if L stayed gone I’d be okay with that too

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 10:06 AM
Well Carmen I think it’s unrealistic to expect what he expects and like you say if he just chilled a bit, he’d actually get more of what he wants by working with you and being patient

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 10:07 AM
I'll pray ya that you get a text in an hour " We all decided to just stay with Bertha " lol !

}:D :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 10:08 AM
Also ..... at *some* level ..... I have been tolerant of this over the the top trip.
They are going to swim with dolphins and of course *my* ticket ( air and the experience ) can't be covered ?
^ It took some patience to not read too much into it and step back !
I really DON'T mind that I have today with the house to myself AND Mon. - Thurs. too !

I don't mind that they are doing this with JUST them but it also would have been nice to talk through some options.
I haven't said ANY negative things AT ALL. I just rolled with this because I need to travel for work Sept. 20-23 .
I really don't want two trips back to back.

I also can see ( from his perspective ) WHY he did it.
I have challenges when we have her all day ( even for fun stuff ) .
I'm trying to go forward in motion to come out of that and make changes but the frustrated vibe of summer was recent ( only three weeks ago ) !

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 10:14 AM
I'll pray ya that you get a text in an hour " We all decided to just stay with Bertha " lol !

Hilarious! I think I pretty much told him this three weeks ago in a fit of rage when he said he want led custody of his son and what I thought about him living here for a month.

i was like dude if you want to see those kids everyday, you should have never divorced Bertha, and you can go live with her and help her take care of her kids/pay her bills.

im not taking on anyones kids full time without some child support

you’re not going to lie to me tell me youre gonna obtaining a 6 figure career so we can more easily afford our own family/wedding/etc. Yet constantly make excuses about getting it done “I have my kids!” Bitch this is Berthas parenting time and you use those kids at tools to slack off and be a house dad just like Bertha use those kids to keep your ass running for her.

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 10:16 AM
I honestly think J is purposely planning these trips thinking you can’t keep up and he can go solo

I think it’s good you’re taking a step back, doing what benefits you in order to keep the peace a bit.

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 10:19 AM
I also kind of admit I really didn't want to join up with them today.
I sort of found this little creative project so I had a reason. :/
He accepted the reason as valid !

I really could use these next 5 days to just get caught up on things.

I got his daughter a present and I can give it to her after the trip.

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 10:22 AM
^ It's certainly *felt* a little excluding I'll admit.
He said I could " join " but didn't offer to cover airfare or my ticket to boat ect.
It's $1100 per person for both of those things ( that is about a third of my monthly income realistically ) .
I want that number to RISE but that is the current reality for me.
I used to click away at making at least 1k a week but my business isn't there yet post covid .
It's been nice to just get the recovery that I HAVE gotten.
I'm looking at the next steps ( other work ect. ) if it doesn't fully rebound soon.

I don't want to be *Excluded* but the reality is ..... I just traveled with him Sept. 1-5. I'm behind on work already. I NEED full wifi access this week . I'm traveling myself for work in 9 days . Three trips is just too much even for me in a month long span.

Typing this out I am seeing it *probably* has stressed him out also ( the amount of travel and how it was laid out ). To do the Denver concerts he took 4 days off work and this trip he is taking 4 days of work. He is probably behind with work .......

I imagine he was probably working his guts out Sept. 6-9 to not get into trouble.
That WAS the time he was being super difficult.

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 10:37 AM
^ I mean ..... if he is worried about money maybe do ONE $3,000 concert experience OR a $3,000 birthday experience ?
Don't pick on ME due to buying two very expensive things within 17 days!
No one said to do an expensive concert / air / hotel in another city .
Daughter didn't ask or expect expensive B-Day either.

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 10:58 AM
I missed this.
Yes, I think what I'm offering is very fair and sustainable.

Like ..... he gets something sexy at least three times a week ( honestly sometimes more when we get on a roll ).
This is not a deprived guy so why is he acting like it ?

My " taking one day to myself " during the custody visits ( which are 3-4 days ) was also just a description of what I intended as an *average*. It doesn't have to be the same every week. I was just suggesting that I take ONE day per week to go do arts events without guilt around the city. Is it SO crazy that the person who doesn't have kids wouldn't mind a little more adults only evenings on the calendar ? I don't have a friends group in this area. I have done probably two social events in the last 30 days. If I want to get out more then I need time to GO.

^ What I suggested is a great sustainable plan.

I struggle a bit on the 4 days visits BUT like my Dad said ...... don't " announce " I only intend to cut them down to two days. Sometimes ( such as this week with THEM traveling and next week with ME traveling ) there are natural breaks .


Well Carmen I think it’s unrealistic to expect what he expects and like you say if he just chilled a bit, he’d actually get more of what he wants by working with you and being patient

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 05:01 PM
L states that today he’s going to take his kids back at 5 or 6

I pull up a 5:50 and they’re STILL here. His son screaming and gaming and I’m ready to kick his son and his ass out. His daughter was ready to go and L should have taken them back at 4pm.

I want to fucking wind down on my only day off.

I really hate his ass right now.

He’s developing a habit of man child behavior and I notice him enabling his son to do the same shit.

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 05:08 PM
^ It can be really hard for me to tell if they are there with a garaged car hahaha.
There have been a couple times I would have just kept truckin ' on past until they went out for whatever activity ......

carmen_b
09-11-2022, 05:11 PM
I am still kind of shocked by J's complaining vibes but I picked up that cool project and am prepping for it today .
So it prevented me from trying to reach him and will be a natural time to cool off I think.
He also gets bored on planes ( or at least last time a month ago ) and sends novels about us over during plane wi-fi time haha .
I suspect he might send things over tomorrow.
I'm not too worried about it.
I'd like to talk it out and point out he CAN NOT treat me like garbage because his stock his down or he stressed himself out with various things that didn't even need to occur in the first place ( random over spending ).

It's really got me thinking.
If HE isn't planning with me for the future even 6-12 months out I need to create a plan B .
I have done so well in my home up north ! I could sell it in Feb. and scale UP which is exciting ! :)

miss.a.p1600
09-11-2022, 07:18 PM
^ It can be really hard for me to tell if they are there with a garaged car hahaha.
There have been a couple times I would have just kept truckin ' on past until they went out for whatever activity ......

i should have. Silly me.

Next weekend is his 3 day weekend.

on one hand I want to make sure his kids CLEAN the place after they destroy it. But on the other hand I don’t feel like getting pushback from their father who enables their lazy behavior nor do I feel like helping him during those 3 days. I want to do what suits me and my needs.


I have torn if I should oversee chores on Sunday or peace out around 3pm when they should be gone and not come back until they’re actually gone.

Aurora_Sunset
09-12-2022, 07:04 AM
I feel like I maybe need to take a break from the criticizing how my husband handles things with his kids (at least for a little bit). I went a little over-the-top yesterday...

Bio-mom called him because stepson was having a total meltdown because he thought he had accidentally deleted his Kindle profile and all his games progress on there. His mom and grandfather assured him that his profile wasn't totally "gone" and that they would get it re-installed and taken care of in a little bit. But they were painting the house, so couldn't do it immediately. He threw a huge tantrum, screaming and cussing them out. I got annoyed listening to the conversation, because it was clear that she had called so my husband could talk to him about his behavior, and how it was unacceptable to meltdown and scream at people just because they aren't doing what you want them to do right now. My husband just kept trying to coddle the kid and reassure him that his profile would be fine. Then, the conversation somehow turned to him thinking his Switch was broken, and my husband just went right into saying we could buy him a new one..... I kept trying to quietly prod him to move away from coddling him about his games and stuff, and have a talk with him about how he can't treat his mom and grandfather like that. That he needs to learn that it's not the end of the world if he doesn't get something fixed right this second, and you don't act that way just because you're not getting your way. He barely touched on it.

After he hung up, I kinda got on him about it. Which turned into a whole rant about how they're spoiled (I don't think I actually used the word 'spoiled' but it was implied), and how they don't take care of their stuff because they just assume someone will buy them more stuff. I specifically used the words "divorced dad guilt" when describing his parenting. He agreed with me, actually lol But then I sorta kept going about how lenient he is, and how he needs to have more rules and actually follow through on them, until it got to the point that he kinda snapped and said "Ok, I get it. Everything I do as a parent is wrong. My parenting sucks on every level." I think that was a bit overdramatic, but I can definitely see how I was veering into a LOT of criticism all at once. I do think I was making fair points, but nobody likes to be hardcore criticized on their parenting.

I'm gonna try not to say anything about anything this coming weekend that we have them... I work most of the weekend anyway, so I'll just step back and let him do his thing. Maybe he'll at least take some of what I said to heart.

Aurora_Sunset
09-12-2022, 07:37 AM
I'm annoyed that we may have to cancel our couples therapy session AGAIN this week. We're supposed to have one every 2 weeks, but we've had to cancel the last two - once for vacation, and then the next one for the funeral. Now, he's saying he has to work late every day this week and can't leave early for our appointment. I get that he doesn't control his work schedule, but I'm starting to wonder how valid it is to feel as though this is something he's not prioritizing.

Would it be weird to ask the therapist to see just me even if he can't make it? I know it's supposed to be a couples appointment, but I would feel better being able to talk some things over even if he can't be here this week, rather than go another 2 weeks before another appointment at all. It's already been over a month.

miss.a.p1600
09-12-2022, 04:43 PM
-I personally have a separate one for individual

L suggested he see the couples therapist by himself so he could “figure out how I think”.

Didn’t seem fair unless the topic did not include anything about me, relationship, etc

miss.a.p1600
09-12-2022, 04:56 PM
^speaking of your scenario above aurora

I find myself cringing about L’s lax parenting.

I also want to pull his hair out when he expects his kids to come over but when it comes to them clean what they used (their rooms and the bathroom), it’s like dragging 3 big ass mountain lions to the water

He asked his kids “hey did y’all clean your rooms” they of course said “yes”

But his kids (like most kids) will lie if it means they can continue to be lazy and watch TikTok or game or whatever.

I have caught his son adjusting my thermostat without permission multiple times and saying he completed a chore (vacuum his room) when he either didn’t (just turned to vacuum on to pretend like he did) or halfassed did it.

I was like “you need to LOOK in the room and confirm”. He rolled his eyes and threatened to triangulate and tell his son that I said he was lying and didn’t clean his room.

I don’t give kids an opportunity to get over on me or think they can lie and manipulate me and I won’t figure it out.

It’s frustrating that he thinks his son and daughter are these perfect innocent angels who never lie.

In order for me to not say anything, I just have to leave when they’re around so I won’t see the parenting fails. Although I’d still be triggered when I return to the house after their gone and discover they haven’t cleaned what I want them to clean and Makes me hate L even more for making it harder for me but way too easy (ex coddling, enabling) for them.

miss.a.p1600
09-12-2022, 06:27 PM
I also think it’s good you want to break from the criticism

I notice that myself is it’s more challenging to find the good things when the focus turns to the errors. I suppose since you’re married and it’s more of a long term commitment than my current situation so it’s more beneficial to keep peace.

I think about myself and how I feel like I need to focus on the pissy annoyance to help me leave cause when I think positive I start to think “well maybe it isn’t that bad and I should stay”

carmen_b
09-12-2022, 07:22 PM
Aurora :
I know what you mean about taking it too far verbally .
I found myself mentioning how summer wasn't handled right again during the last talk a few days ago. Later I caught myself like..... ok he knows you really didn't appreciate having his kid around all day ....... you've got to drop it to move on. :/

So I know what you mean.
Sometimes though .... people with a lax style really need other people to kind of suggest what "normal" looks like.
THEY think things are normal but in some houses ( better run ones imo ) those things would never fly.
I try to use a trick like " my cousins did THIS in the situation and it seemed to help them " .
You know how to goes ..... if YOU SUGGEST it ..... they balk. So I phrase it as coming from other parents !

Aurora_Sunset
09-13-2022, 05:17 AM
-I personally have a separate one for individual

L suggested he see the couples therapist by himself so he could “figure out how I think”.

Didn’t seem fair unless the topic did not include anything about me, relationship, etc

I think I probably will find myself a separate therapist as well. When we first started this, we had a few one-on-one sessions that weren't specifically about us as a couple, so I thought we would continue that trend of working on ourselves outside of working on the relationship as well, but she moved away from that and we don't do it anymore. It's funny because she specifically bills insurance on the premise that I have depression and anxiety, but we've stopped working on those things...

When I asked our therapist if we could keep the appointment just for me, she specified that we could as long as I understand that she "doesn't keep secrets" and will be sure to let my husband know what we talked about - and also suggested giving him the next session all to himself to "even things out" so that he doesn't feel like the therapist is "taking sides." I was like yeah, of course. I wasn't planning to do it to keep him from knowing things - though I understand that a lot of people do try to get the couples therapist to themselves in order to manipulate whose "side" they're one (I was told that bio-mom did this multiple times in their marriage). I just wanted to talk through some things this week, and could use her advice for how to approach it with my husband if he can't be present for the therapy conversation, rather than have to wait another 2 full weeks to bring it up at all.

Aurora_Sunset
09-13-2022, 05:23 AM
Aurora :
I know what you mean about taking too far verbally .
I found myself mentioning how summer wasn't handled right again during the last talk a few days ago. Later I caught myself like..... ok he knows you really didn't appreciate having his kid around all day ....... you've got to drop it to move on. :/

So I know what you mean.
Sometimes though .... people with a lax style really need other people to kind of suggest what "normal" looks like.
THEY think things are normal but in some houses ( better run ones imo ) those things would never fly.
I try to use a trick like " my cousins did THIS in the situation and it seemed to help them " .

What always seems weird to me is that when I bring up a lot of things, he doesn't necessarily disagree with me. He usually agrees with most of what I'm saying. He'll even start doing the thing like, "Back when I was a kid, I had to earn money with chores/my parents didn't just buy me things except on my birthday or Christmas/I never would've gotten away with back-talking/they used to lock me out of the house and force me to play outside." He turns into that guy who completely agrees that "kids today" are spoiled and coddled compared to his childhood where he was made to work for what he wanted and learned to be respectful of the things he had.... but he doesn't seem to connect that we're not talking about other people's kids - those are HIS kids. HE'S the one spoiling and coddling them. Like, bro, if you don't like it, YOU have to be the one to change it. No one else can raise your kids for you if you're still playing Mr. Softie 99% of the time you're with them. I don't understand how he can SEE it, but still not do anything to change it, aside from the "divorced dad guilt."

When I said that, he did admit it to it. He said he was never like this when he lived with them, but now he just wants it to be "pleasant" when they're over here because of the guilt from leaving. I get it, but dude, you gotta stop being a walking cliche from a sitcom or something. Your kids might "like" that you're the "fun, no-rules house" right now, but it's not doing them any favors as people - and it will ultimately destroy your relationship with them when they're older and look at you as nothing but a servant to demand stuff from.

carmen_b
09-13-2022, 08:24 AM
^ Maybe try to work with him for ways to hand them some responsibilities ?

I think they are the ages they can at least assist with things like sweeping, wiping counters , ect.
Kids as young as 5 can fold and put away clothes. Age 10 can start doing the whole laundry cycle ( just have an adult push the actual buttons , they do the REST ).

One thing I would say for the son is that HE start learning the tech on how to restart these games ect.
Don't always turn to an adult for computer fixing. Look it up yourself and at least try it if possible.

If he loves computers have your partner see if the school offers STEM classes that could touch on programming.
These jobs pay SO WELL .

carmen_b
09-13-2022, 10:58 AM
^ I feel like it's really embarrassing when kids are behind so that is why I mentioned to my partner that his child should scrape / rinse / put own plate in dishwasher and the things where he shouldn't be in the room with her after 8:10 while falling asleep. I wish he'd cut it to 2-3 min. because it's just a sense of " behind " the curve that I find embarrassing at some level.
I don't want the kid to be the helpless 11-12 year old you know ?

I definitely think divorced dads have a hard time seeing the " marks " of where the kid should be and if they are missing them.

carmen_b
09-13-2022, 11:01 AM
House to self report day #3.
It's still awesome. Haha.
Don't really miss having company .
I have a social event tomorrow at 7 if I want to join it ( an organized event ) in case I want company ha.

I’ve got to admit it’s kind of offensive he didn’t pay the extra $1100 for ME to join this trip ( or maybe split it ) since it was already so much anyway ha. It was also high hassle. Two travel days ( and long ones ) for two days on the ground . :/

The space and quiet has been awesome though .

When he was being fussy I was reminding myself how much I could do ( travel wise ) with more freedom ! Just in case of a full implosion I want to hit the road and NOT date. Otherwise the next guy will have an excuse list why they can’t travel. Yawn.

carmen_b
09-13-2022, 01:03 PM
I do find it kind of lame to go on this verbal thing of “ our dates are too expensive “ or whatever the hell.

I could see myself over doing it for affect ( like shoving take out at him everyday ) ... “ you said feeding me was too much “ lol so don’t worry I’m taking care of it.

Maybe it was the stock thing.
Since he did express the concern I’ll make sure to cook probably two days a week and get takeout 1-2 days a week ? I have a plan in mind ( one that doesn’t include actually include dramatic commentary ) to make sure I’m doing half of the dinners .

miss.a.p1600
09-13-2022, 01:37 PM
^a girls gotta eat!

I’d rebuttal with ….. “don’t ya think those flight training courses are kinda expensive?”

At least with dinner y’all both enjoy n benefit.

But then again I have a big mouth lol

carmen_b
09-13-2022, 02:29 PM
^ Yeah, the $10,000 ish in flight stuff has not been cheap lol !

Maybe if he says something I'll just be like " well that concert trip , daughters b-day , and the flight stuff was 16 k ..... there is NO WAY the dates were more than that in the last FULL year hahaha.

I know eventually I'll need to stop making jokes and actually sit down and discuss with him why the stuff was said.

Doesn't it just seem super weird to say something about the dates but then kind of "forget" other random spending has been happening ? Lets solve it and cut back on all of it.

I'll probably type it out in letter format ( my thoughts about the last conversation ) .

But I'm offering this as a plan : definitely I'll do half the dinners and I'll tell him 3-4 days ahead what I plan to do so the concern is covered ongoing.....