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carmen_b
07-05-2022, 11:18 AM
^ Yes, he does get offended by these ideas if it's too heavy handed which is why I try to balance it with suggestions of things we can all go to together.
I'm trying to create *balance* not just get rid of her for 8 hours a day on every day she is here.
I feel like a couple 4-5 blocks each time would be extremely helpful and good for her.
Honestly .... it isn't the hill I want my relationship to die on ha !
He knows damn well it had better be an emergency if he needs anything from me M - F 9-5 !
I'll bet he won't even ask for 30 min. in that range which technically is good enough for me .
He definitely understands that I am not the person to ask in this time frame so if he sticks to that boundary I probably can't ask for much more.
I don't really *agree* with what he is doing but it's ultimately his choice if he wants to multi - task during his business hours .
I can't force him into putting her in anything.

He does have another side to it which is sort of valid. We are in a lucky place in life where he can technically get away with working about 30 hours a week. With HIS high salary as a factor I can *technically* do the same since I don't have a cost to live here other than $80 a month I pay to the lawn guy. He knows I have income from a rental property ( which I probably should have lied about haha ). I just don't currently WANT TO work less. I have ptsd from my business being dead for two years. It's back and I want to make as much as possible this year. I also have other things I want to do such as continue to apply for these higher paying tech jobs and those projects take time. :)

carmen_b
07-05-2022, 11:22 AM
See .... this is why I find this so important ! She IS great and overall very well behaved. Even good kids can get overly needy when they are not kept busy. This is just something I didn't ever see in my own home. We were OUT when my parents were working ( the exact hours I work now ). It is just not normal to me that kids are allowed to linger at home .

I feel like it makes her go backwards in gaining independence too.



I’m sure his kid is great but everyone needs a break sometimes and kids don’t want to be clinging to/smothered by their parents.

carmen_b
07-05-2022, 08:19 PM
Ok we talked openly about the lack of activities and my stress about it.
I’m not sure if any action will be taken or not.
I’d still evaluate everything as “ good “ but I guess my reasoning is why not run things in an *ideal* way ?
Her just sitting watching us work doesn’t seem ideal for a single person who is here !
I feel strongly that even one 3-4 hour thing a week is better than nothing. I said my peace about it.
He is stressed because I don’t seem to enjoy the days she is here as much as when she isn’t. I think this is actually quite normal ( at least from what I see on other forums also ). I think it’s about a *balance*.
I need to talk to a therapist on my own too.
The days his child is here often just feel “ low quality “ . I need help brainstorming with someone who is experienced in these situations. I have tried my own hacks ( like doing things IM interested in together ) but I’m getting “ ok “ results .

smeca
07-06-2022, 01:38 AM
I've found all the summer activities in our area and there are lots of sports/craft days at schools, but there is an outdoor/bushcraft centre in the woods. 3 activities a day plus lunch- that sounds soo fun. I remember being bored in the summer when my friends weren't available and bugging my mum to go play tennis or some shit-she had stuff to do, i remember once she was on her period and told me no and I was like 'I learned in school exercise helps with cramps tho' lol omfg.
I also went to one of those sport days and had a great time. Kids do get bored and if they visit and get to go and play in trees with other kids, do something new or challenging they feel proud of, it's going to be so good for them.

Carmen, pick out one specific day that looks really good and highlight what a one off good exp it will be to try out, he might come around vs feeling like it's just getting rid of her for a day.

I think guys maybe have this guilt they only have the kid some of the time so feel like if theyre together it's good, even if doing nothing. But also they do not plan these kinds of things, don't spend time researching what's out there etc.

miss.a.p1600
07-06-2022, 04:09 AM
Ok we talked openly about the lack of activities and my stress about it.
I’m not sure if any action will be taken or not.
I’d still evaluate everything as “ good “ but I guess my reasoning is why not run things in an *ideal* way ?
Her just sitting watching us work doesn’t seem ideal for a single person who is here !
I feel strongly that even one 3-4 hour thing a week is better than nothing. I said my peace about it.
He is stressed because I don’t seem to enjoy the days she is here as much as when she isn’t. I think this is actually quite normal ( at least from what I see on other forums also ). I think it’s about a *balance*.
I need to talk to a therapist on my own too.
The days his child is here often just feel “ low quality “ . I need help brainstorming with someone who is experienced in these situations. I have tried my own hacks ( like doing things IM interested in together ) but imminent getting “ ok “ results .

Firstly, I can definitely relate to you on this.

I am relieved when L’s kids are gone and I get anxiety when they are coming over.

For me it’s the lack of control and L’s lack of resources to invest in his kids

For 1-2 days (or however many days he and those kids determine) I feel like I have minimal say (he made me feel like some cruel monster for dare suggesting his “precious angels” do chores and help me clean the place after THEY make messes) and also his kids are annoyingly loud. Which is fine OUTDOORS. Like if you can’t use a normal voice tone then take your ass outside.

I also agree with you Carmen, I do not agree with kids laying around the house all day. L coddles tf out of his kids and they barely lift a finger at that house which is a huge injustice to them, creates laziness in them, and wears him out from doing what I need him to do around the house. But again I feel stuck when I can’t say anything about the train wreck in front of my face.

L has been disrespectful in the past by arguing with me when I try to set boundaries for his kids when they’re at our house, pushing me to take care of them (while he’s out doing whatever), getting mad if I don’t offer to transport them somewhere, and being so cheap that they’re only option is to lay around the house bugging the hell out of me, refusing to hold boundaries for them and allowing them to create/revise the times they stay at our house (without my consent)

I am so triggered by all this that it causes me to feel like I just want to leave when they arrive then return after they’re gone.

Anyways I can tell too that L thinks I don’t enjoy his kids coming over because …… I don’t!

I don’t because he’s so busy pleasing Bertha (and failing to hold her monkey ass accountable) that he forced those kids on me to the point I don’t enjoy it I am annoyed by the forced obligation.

I just think men are so stuck in their ways and doing things how they’ve been doing them when they were single that they make it harder for their new partner without realizing. Even once they do realize their behavior is causing a strain, they literally don’t care …… because the “kids needs come first”

Plus they have this unrealistic expectation of “this is your new mom” type of role. I personally feel like if the men wanted June cleaver motherly type woman for their kids then they need to marry their nanny or they should have stayed with their ex wife. Like don’t force me to be the step mother you envision (especially if you’re not offering support). Let me be the stepmother that you have the resources to provide/ I have the resources to be.

My overall point is these men should be making it EASIER to enjoy their kids but instead they make it harder to like their kids because they have these unrealistic expectations of what a step mother should be, they make dumb decisions like coddling/helicopter parenting, they don’t listen to reasonable ideas of efficient parenting, they assume we should instantly love their crumbsnatchers as much as they do, expecting the woman to do a lot of work raising another woman’s kids while purposely denying that that work deserves compensation, etc.

miss.a.p1600
07-06-2022, 04:30 AM
I've found all the summer activities in our area and there are lots of sports/craft days at schools, but there is an outdoor/bushcraft centre in the woods. 3 activities a day plus lunch- that sounds soo fun. I remember being bored in the summer when my friends weren't available and bugging my mum to go play tennis or some shit-she had stuff to do, i remember once she was on her period and told me no and I was like 'I learned in school exercise helps with cramps tho' lol omfg.
I also went to one of those sport days and had a great time. Kids do get bored and if they visit and get to go and play in trees with other kids, do something new or challenging they feel proud of, it's going to be so good for them.

Carmen, pick out one specific day that looks really good and highlight what a one off good exp it will be to try out, he might come around vs feeling like it's just getting rid of her for a day.

I think guys maybe have this guilt they only have the kid some of the time so feel like if theyre together it's good, even if doing nothing. But also they do not plan these kinds of things, don't spend time researching what's out there etc.

I think you have a good point.

Like perhaps if his daughter went for ONE day. Then, once she comes back from her day at camp she might be begging him to return for more fun.

I also think the guilt is a factor too. Like he is probably thinking that his parenting time is time he is supposed to be actively parenting but realistically his kid is simply watching him work he’s not actively parenting. And legally, as long as the parent Is not abusing or neglecting the kid, it is okay to use parenting time to send them to summer camp.

He probably wishes he could make money being a stay at home dad but feels like the woman (the kids mom or the stepmom) should fill in some of that role for him, since he cannot.

miss.a.p1600
07-06-2022, 04:33 AM
Ok we talked openly about the lack of activities and my stress about it.
I’m not sure if any action will be taken or not.
I’d still evaluate everything as “ good “ but I guess my reasoning is why not run things in an *ideal* way ?
Her just sitting watching us work doesn’t seem ideal for a single person who is here !
I feel strongly that even one 3-4 hour thing a week is better than nothing. I said my peace about it.
He is stressed because I don’t seem to enjoy the days she is here as much as when she isn’t. I think this is actually quite normal ( at least from what I see on other forums also ). I think it’s about a *balance*.
I need to talk to a therapist on my own too.
The days his child is here often just feel “ low quality “ . I need help brainstorming with someone who is experienced in these situations. I have tried my own hacks ( like doing things IM interested in together ) but imminent getting “ ok “ results .


I’ve tried the same too.

Like inviting his kids to museums, taking his son to bookstores, and trying to show them a higher quality of life but they have been so programmed by low life Bertha that they’re set on doing basic ass mall hangouts and video games in their room all day.

I feel ya on the low quality days

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 07:39 AM
Smeca :
That is what I found for her last year !
It was a three hour thing of mostly outdoor living type activities ( but for kids so also games ect ) .
She had another three hour thing AFTER that one also a few days during the week.
^ J did look it up earlier ( a month or so ago ) and the website was gone so they are not doing this anymore.

I really needed him to *TELL* me his reasoning for not doing sign ups so I could better understand it. He said the main reason was that he was unsure of the summer schedule. I would say this isn't a great reason. These things are so cheap ( and what does it matter if her Mom also has a resource to use ). I think he dropped the ball and has admitted it . He *should* have done it. I wanted to just hear WHY he did this from his side so I wasn't assuming things.

They *have* been more scattered with the schedule that in the school year ( usually things are super precise planned 3-4 weeks ahead ). It didn't get too bad but there was a change I think with only a week notice which isn't typical for J. He's usually precise.

He was upset with me a bit about the 4th of July which is somewhat valid .
I was completely exhausted and probably should have stayed back despite promising to go.

He just basically has growing concerns and we should probably work with a therapist. I do try to keep things very balanced by suggestion fun things to all do together . I just feel like I *should* be able to suggest things like activities and things that run the house in a better way.
I don't want to walk on eggshells around my partner when I am seeing something that seems like it could benefit EVERYONE.

I feel bad for the overall sense of how he feels. He mentioned " that I like my niece and nephew so why don't I like her ? "
I pointed out that when I lived NEAR them I saw them once or twice a week, not 3-4 days per week. I see them less now that we live south of them ( more like just a couple days a month ). I believe his making things MUCH more difficult that they need to be by not creating any breaks in the time she is here.

miss.a.p1600
07-06-2022, 08:19 AM
^I agree with you Carmen. Something about these men and making positive suggestions regarding their kids and they just can’t see the forest from the trees.

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 08:26 AM
^ Well he seems a little stuck now with the lack of planning. Stuff is FULL FULL FULL .
Our town rec center could probably make one million dollars by adding staff and just charging people triple to get in asap, ha.

I think he also doesn't see that this sense of dread that I feel ( and must not be great at hiding ) could be solved by just getting some breaks. I just miss school being in session. BUT it's only 5 more weeks .......

The suggestion that I gave ( since we are where we are ) is to plan things better with more structure. Don't wait until the day of for example ( this weekend ) to make a plan. Make it the day before . If we are going kayaking for example, let me know the exact times so I know what to expect.

Here is something people might find interesting ( and probably not surprising ).
I found out he did a flight lesson the other day ( which takes about 3 hours ) .
His daughter was at his uncles house during that time.
SO he can create windows of her out doing other things without guilt when HE wants to ha.

I don't want to hit on this so hard that it upsets J.

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 08:44 AM
In closing I think J should just give me what I want haha.

Aurora_Sunset
07-06-2022, 08:47 AM
I feel bad for the overall sense of how he feels. He mentioned " that I like my niece and nephew so why don't I like her ? "
I pointed out that when I lived NEAR them I saw them once or twice a week, not 3-4 days per week. I see them less now that we live south of them ( more like just a couple days a month ). I believe his making things MUCH more difficult that they need to be by not creating any breaks in the time she is here.

I hate that when stepmothers admit that they need and like having breaks from the kids, they're cast as the "evil stepmother" who doesn't like the kid, when I think the reality is that ALL parents feel this way. For every stepmother I know who isn't thrilled to have their stepkids over, I know a biological mother who constantly tries everything in her power to "get rid" of her own kids as much as possible and send them to their dad/step-parent. I also think dads like their kid-free time just as much as anyone, but the "divorced dad guilt" keeps them from admitting it or sending their kid off anywhere when it's their parenting time. It's just reality that kids are a handful, and ALL parents LIKE breaks from kids, even if they like them, love them, or even enjoy some of the time with them when they're around.

With stepmothers, I feel like it's even more difficult to be "excited" about having them around, because you are expected to be and behave like a "mother" to them, in terms of responsibilities and acting like you LOVE having them around - but at the end of the day, no matter what social media wants to push about how "you should love them like your own," the fact is they aren't your own. You didn't choose to have these kids. You didn't get to raise them. And you have very little control over their schedules, the way you would if you were their actual guardian. Step-parenting sometimes feels like the worst parts of the responsibility of being a parent without any of the best parts of having any sort of control over the kids' upbringing.

I totally understand the admonition that if you choose to be with someone with kids, you have to accept that the kids are part of your life, and I agree, but that doesn't mean you have to love every part of it or not express your need for certain boundaries. Every mother I know will express how tired they get of their kids. Every stay-at-home mom friend I've ever had will spend very little time during the day actually playing with their kids as opposed to sticking them in front of the TV or sending them outside. Expecting you to show more enthusiasm than even a biological parent at spending a ton of time with a kid you're still getting to know is unfair. Their parents have known them their entire lives - you're coming in years later and trying to bond with a whole human being that you didn't help raise up until this point. It takes time and is something that's uncomfortable for everyone if it's forced and rushed.

But ultimately, if he wants you to be more "involved with parenting" then that means accepting that you have your own opinions about what it means to parent. Your idea that she shouldn't be home all day is just as valid of a parenting opinion as his idea that she should sit around while you work all day. Being an "involved step-parent" doesn't just mean going along with whatever your partner and his ex have decided or have always done things. You having and expressing differing opinions on raising your step-kids IS being involved with them and participating in the parenting.

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 09:09 AM
^ Yes, more involvement means that I would run the house more like the house I grew up in.
The rules were always " no kids lingering around " during work hours. Nothing wrong with it !
My siblings are ALL independent / successful .
No one was overly babied. My parents didn't have time to baby.
My parents probably felt *some* guilt at times but they wanted to hustle and have two incomes as well as have family time.
I know IT CAN be done.

I would be thrilled with two 4 hour windows per week for an activity out of the house but I'm NOT going to force J to do it.
That is barely any time out of the total 3-4 days she is here.

The fact is .... my life IS better when his child isn't around.
It's not an insult to anyone. It is just the reality of the situation.
She has a very high quality life when she is here and with us.
I'm giving some time to get to know her but I'm not going to center my entire life and schedule around being a third parent she doesn't even need . We have talked openly about a " mid point " level of involvement.
Our child free time is VERY high in quality ( probably more than any other relationship I've had ) .
When there are no breaks during visits it just exaggerates the difficult things .
^ Obviously I have been TACTFUL and not said ALL of this .....

In my opinion the things I'm asking for are pretty small. The " evil " crown should only come into play if I was like " lets send her to boarding school out of state for months ". I'm not suggesting anything drastic.

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 09:37 AM
I think men sometimes just expect too much.
Sometimes you might catch a woman who just LOVES this situation ( like if she had health reasons and couldn't have children ).
Giving a child free by choice person breaks doesn't make anyone a monster. It creates sustainability.

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 09:59 AM
If anyone has brilliant ideas on how to authentically ease off the dread of these visits I'm all ears.
I don't want to pretend on things. I want to authentically increase the quality of life on the visits IF it's possible.
The only idea I had was to plan quality activities well in advance.

I'm not sure our open talks will actually do anything as far as ACTION taken so I have accepted the possibility that he is just going to run the house in a way I don't agree with.

miss.a.p1600
07-06-2022, 01:16 PM
If anyone has brilliant ideas on how to authentically ease off the dread of these visits I'm all ears.
I don't want to pretend on things. I want to authentically increase the quality of life on the visits IF it's possible.
The only idea I had was to plan quality activities well in advance.

I'm not sure our open talks will actually do anything as far as ACTION taken so I have accepted the possibility that he is just going to run the house in a way I don't agree with.

I think men are used to doing things they way they used to do them so it’s a habit.

And they might think “well if I pay all the bills, these are my kids, then I’m going to do it they way I want/have been doing it”

Yeah worked great when you were single but unless you want to stay/go back to being single then you have to compromise with your partner.

You have every right to say how you want your household to be run (regardless of whether you pay rent) and the boundaries for the kids that live there.

miss.a.p1600
07-06-2022, 01:18 PM
In closing I think J should just give me what I want haha.
I think he should be more willing to compromise with you.

like at least provide one day a week at day camp or a friend/relative

miss.a.p1600
07-06-2022, 01:23 PM
If anyone has brilliant ideas on how to authentically ease off the dread of these visits I'm all ears.
I don't want to pretend on things. I want to authentically increase the quality of life on the visits IF it's possible.
The only idea I had was to plan quality activities well in advance.

I'm not sure our open talks will actually do anything as far as ACTION taken so I have accepted the possibility that he is just going to run the house in a way I don't agree with.

Maybe you could hire someone to come to the house and entertain/play with her. This way you can have more control over the issue, neither one of you have to worry about transportation, no worries about socializing with random kids, you get time to work (so does he), the kid is at home with family, and she gets fun things to do with an adult supervision

I’d just be like “hey Bob the nanny our neighbors the smiths use are offering their nanny to us and I’m going to hire her next week because I have have a huge project and I want to make sure kiddo can have fun and doesn’t feel ignored while I work”

Since he seems so opposed to taking her to day camps and since you probably can’t call the uncle and drop her there.

If he says no then just let him worry about interrupting his work to tend to her.

Then do your usual 3-4 hour family time after your work hours are over.

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 02:35 PM
I feel like one day is a good compromise too. Minimal driving. It would ease off my stress. I don't know. He has complained before if there isn't enough sex but I'm not just going to offer sex EVERY day we don't have her because he will not optimize and create a SINGLE window to work with during the visits ( the next one is 4 days for example ). It puts an unrealistic and stressful pressure on us to " preform " when she isn't here and I don't like it. We should have a couple windows to ourselves during the visits anyway. It works for EVERYONE.
I feel really strongly about this issue obviously and wasn't able to let it go. :/

My preference is that she be OUT of the house for sure . I mean .... I get myself out. I'm out at least two hours a day ( that is on days I'm out on the less side ). Other day are more like 3-6 hours out of the house. Things are *good* overall. I just don't understand the decision to not make things FULLY optimized and easier. It's a large house but it still gets annoying if everyone is here 24/7.

I feel like I probably just will back off at this point because I've given my clear feed back.
I think it's just one of those " I can't believe he did this " things because he is usually so on top of everything.
It IS a factor in wanting to go out of town more AND using the AirBnB more. Like ..... I have a heightened sense of the calendar and possibilities when during the school year I didn't pay attention to it more than just a day or so a month.

God .... I know this is getting SO long but last night I completely crumbled under the pressure from what I described above. He had her 5 days ( I was out of town three of them ) and then we only had TWO for just us ( yesterday and today ) . I just kind of had a failure moment last night. I felt like everything was so high pressure and only related to the calendar . It killed my libido and vibe overall .


I think he should be more willing to compromise with you.

like at least provide one day a week at day camp or a friend/relative

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 02:49 PM
^ We had the music teacher saga also haha !
He did hire someone. She was a flake. She would show up late.
I told him to FIRE her because it was a bad example ( his daughter now sees someone showing up late and still getting paid ).

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 03:09 PM
I told this other woman on a different online spot that if she is giving any more than two hours of babysitting a week she is going above and beyond.
I said " he better be making your life SO MUCH EASIER if you give more than that " because she was debating taking on more. Don't !!!
I'm sure the guys would be horrified to hear things discussed haha.

Gotta love how my dude made my life *way* easier and my compromise was to give ONE hour to him M - F 9-5 lol.
I never claimed to have wanted a life where I feel run ragged and worn out though so I don't think I was giving a dishonest representation.

carmen_b
07-06-2022, 06:13 PM
Maybe I got through ?

He mentioned trying to create a window on Sat. ( which he think he can do it with one of the " owed " play dates ) haha.

He is taking her flying on Friday too. That takes like 3.5-4 hours total . That is really all I'm asking for ( just windows where we are not ALL here tripping over each other while also trying to work ). I don't care if the two of them just sit around here all day tomorrow as long as I have a sense of it NOT happening three days in a row !

I also think we are seeing some of the results of not living by either side of the family.
His daughter doesn't have family invites to get out and go somewhere because neither set of our parents lives near us.
None of our siblings live near us ( his sister is the closest at two hours away ).
It really requires a proactive approach to things.

smeca
07-07-2022, 03:11 AM
So many good points above. Really, even if dating someone with kids means kids come with the territory... it goes both ways. If your new partner doesn't have/want/have any exp with kids, you can't expect them to fulfil this ideal in your head. I think these guys need a reality check sometimes. Yes it's about compromise to find a shared new way of doing things.

Aurora your points are so true. I was searching for how introvert mothers do it once, and they were truly tired and run down, loved their kids but needed time away from them. Somehow it is mean to feel that about someone else's kids though.

carmen_b
07-07-2022, 07:34 AM
^ Breaks are NOT a bad thing. :)
They can quite literally be the thing that can keep you going.

I've calmed down a little.
I had a sense of dread because we only had two days to ourselves and then starting today at 10:30 a.m. I thought she was here four days.
It's actually three days which I deal with a lot easier.
Then my partner travels for work for 5 nights. It's the FIRST business trip of his that I won't be joining because I have two clients right in the middle of his his trip I'm working on site with. We are both a little pouty over it haha. Those business trips have been amazing to us in the past year ( 4-5 nights every few months is what is typical ). One time his company even paid for MY ticket. Ugh. I'm sad to miss a mini vacation haha.
BUT ..... we knew as my business picked up we eventually a time would come when we couldn't hit every one together.
Plane tickets are stupidly over priced too and we would have had to cover mine this time.

J has been asking a lot of pre-engagement questions which is cute. :)
I think something that is holding him back is that he wishes desperately I was more involved. I want to try to get there as long as it is natural and happy for everyone. I just don't EVER see myself not taking breaks during these visits or sinking my entire calendar into the visits ( and he 100% knows this ). He needs to think about whether that is OK for him emotionally. I think something these guys need to realize is the step parent just doesn't " look forward " to the visits like they do. Instead of it being taboo that knowledge should be " ok " . If the person is not treating the kids well then THAT is a whole different story ! I feel like a " good " step parent should get POINTS for encouraging the PARENT to spend time with the kids.

carmen_b
07-07-2022, 12:13 PM
Yep, this. It's on HIM if he chooses to not to book anything .
I'll give him an hour to work out during this three day visit .

I don't typically do 3-4 hours after business hours either.
I'd say it's more like dinner and visiting from 5-6 and maybe a small activity 6 - 6:40.
I HATE watching the elaborate bed time routine they have so I usually avoid it ( yoga upstairs or now I have TV upstairs ).
:)
Today I might watch my own movie upstairs for the first time.
It had really annoyed me before to feel like I was always run out of the most comfy tv room so I fixed it.

We did talk about having me join for around 30-45 minutes of kid friendly TV once or twice during the next few visits ( which I typically can't stand ) . I guess J has some show ideas he thinks are feasible so I'm willing to try it.

I'm a better cook than J so I add 20-30 min. to that starting about 4:30 if I'm prepping.
Another change that will be happening soon is that IF I'm cooking ( which happens 2-3 times a week ) ALL are participating in that. I don't care if all she does is cut up an apple. EACH person will be helping in some way or I will stay OUT of the kitchen the entire time.



If he says no then just let him worry about interrupting his work to tend to her.

Then do your usual 3-4 hour family time after your work hours are over.

carmen_b
07-07-2022, 12:21 PM
SPOT ON 100% !
Since we have a mix of stay at home parents coddling kids and two working parents in my extended family I have personally SEEN the damaging effects of too much coddling in members of my extended family. We have 10 years olds in my family who could be dropped at any point in the city and not only make their way back but probably have a GREAT time doing it ! We also have 12 year olds that would panic and fail ha.
I know that " my way " of really hitting the idea of being independent ( she is coming up to 10 years old ) is the right way .
I sure do have a opinion about this topic. :)


Being an "involved step-parent" doesn't just mean going along with whatever your partner and his ex have decided or have always done things. You having and expressing differing opinions on raising your step-kids IS being involved with them and participating in the parenting.

carmen_b
07-07-2022, 12:46 PM
Today I tried to work downstairs for 15 minutes so I wasn't " hiding " upstairs.
Yeah .... 15 min. of ambient noise and I'm done and back up haha.

miss.a.p1600
07-07-2022, 05:01 PM
Yep, this. It's on HIM if he chooses to not to book anything .
I'll give him an hour to work out during this three day visit .

I don't typically do 3-4 hours after business hours either.
I'd say it's more like dinner and visiting from 5-6 and maybe a small activity 6 - 6:40.
I HATE watching the elaborate bed time routine they have so I usually avoid it ( yoga upstairs or now I have TV upstairs ).
:)
Today I might watch my own movie upstairs for the first time.
It had really annoyed me before to feel like I was always run out of the most comfy tv room so I fixed it.

We did talk about having me join for around 30-45 minutes of kid friendly TV once or twice during the next few visits ( which I typically can't stand ) . I guess J has some show ideas he thinks are feasible so I'm willing to try it.

I'm a better cook than J so I add 20-30 min. to that starting about 4:30 if I'm prepping.
Another change that will be happening soon is that IF I'm cooking ( which happens 2-3 times a week ) ALL are participating in that. I don't care if all she does is cut up an apple. EACH person will be helping in some way or I will stay OUT of the kitchen the entire time.


Lol!!! Good luck sitting through an episode of cocomelons!

im kidding - I loathe kid shows too but some of them are engaging and it probably won’t be too bad.

You have a good point on the kitchen thing. It teaches them to be independent. I was cooking, cleaning, and ironing at 9. I also learned how to get around town on the city bus when I was in middle school. I practically raised myself lol. This generation is so lazy and lost and expect their parents to be their free live in maid. The parents enable it.

Aurora_Sunset
07-07-2022, 05:01 PM
So many good points above. Really, even if dating someone with kids means kids come with the territory... it goes both ways. If your new partner doesn't have/want/have any exp with kids, you can't expect them to fulfil this ideal in your head. I think these guys need a reality check sometimes. Yes it's about compromise to find a shared new way of doing things.

Aurora your points are so true. I was searching for how introvert mothers do it once, and they were truly tired and run down, loved their kids but needed time away from them. Somehow it is mean to feel that about someone else's kids though.

Yes, there's been such a huge societal push lately to make it normal to know that mothers are driven crazy by their own kids and want breaks from them. That mothers admitting how tired kids make them and how run down they are and how much they love their kid-free time doesn't make them a bad mother. But admit to the same things as a stepmother, and we don't get the same non-judgement. Mothers need breaks from their own kids, but we're supposed to love every minute with someone else's kids... It's really not fair.

Aurora_Sunset
07-07-2022, 05:04 PM
Today I tried to work downstairs for 15 minutes so I wasn't " hiding " upstairs.
Yeah .... 15 min. of ambient noise and I'm done and back up haha.

Bahaha I have done this before. Bio-mom "called me out" one time for always "hiding" in the locked bedroom when the kids are over. It really wasn't all the time, but apparently the way the kids worded it was that I was always "locking them out of the bedroom." So I sometimes make it a point to bring my laptop out to the living room for awhile, or at least leave the bedroom open so that I can't be accused of "hiding." lol But after awhile, I will pack up and go "hide" again. If they're just sitting out there watching TV or playing video games anyway, I don't understand why my face needs to be seen, but I guess it makes me seem more involved in "family time" lol

Aurora_Sunset
07-07-2022, 05:15 PM
I think something these guys need to realize is the step parent just doesn't " look forward " to the visits like they do. Instead of it being taboo that knowledge should be " ok " . If the person is not treating the kids well then THAT is a whole different story ! I feel like a " good " step parent should get POINTS for encouraging the PARENT to spend time with the kids.

100% love the way you worded this. My husband always "looks forward" to his kid visits, which I love for him, because he's their dad and he SHOULD like spending time with his kids. But divorced dads look forward to it from a position where they used to live with their kids full time and now they don't. Of course they don't like that. But whereas a parental visit for them is them regaining part of something they lost from their old life, to a step-parent, that visit is something new intruding on their old way of life. It's never going to be the same for us. As long as we're not cruel or making the kids feel unwanted, I think it's just a reality that men need to realize. I usually tell my husband that it's up to him if he wants to do extra time with the kids. I'm never going to jump for excitement if he says yes, but I encourage him to do what he thinks is best with his kids. But it's HIS time, not something I feel I should be obligated to be a part of.

This is why I usually say no when my husband can't do something extra with them or has to take them home early due to work or something, and bio-mom insists on asking if I can do it. My thought process is "why would I?" It's not my parenting time. They don't come over here to see and bond with me. It's so they can maintain a relationship with their dad. If he's not here, I'm not just volunteering free childcare for bio-mom unless it's an emergency. I did it one weekend to ease the stress on my husband of dealing with her bullshit hysterics over him needing to go out of town, but I still feel like it shouldn't have been required or expected. These custodial visits are about bonding time between the kids and their parent, not just about taking them off the other parent's hands. But anyway, that's a different topic lol

miss.a.p1600
07-07-2022, 05:37 PM
^ Breaks are NOT a bad thing. :)
They can quite literally be the thing that can keep you going.

I've calmed down a little.
I had a sense of dread because we only had two days to ourselves and then starting today at 10:30 a.m. I thought she was here four days.
It's actually three days which I deal with a lot easier.
Then my partner travels for work for 5 nights. It's the FIRST business trip of his that I won't be joining because I have two clients right in the middle of his his trip I'm working on site with. We are both a little pouty over it haha. Those business trips have been amazing to us in the past year ( 4-5 nights every few months is what is typical ). One time his company even paid for MY ticket. Ugh. I'm sad to miss a mini vacation haha.
BUT ..... we knew as my business picked up we eventually a time would come when we couldn't hit every one together.
Plane tickets are stupidly over priced too and we would have had to cover mine this time.

J has been asking a lot of pre-engagement questions which is cute. :)
I think something that is holding him back is that he wishes desperately I was more involved. I want to try to get there as long as it is natural and happy for everyone. I just don't EVER see myself not taking breaks during these visits or sinking my entire calendar into the visits ( and he 100% knows this ). He needs to think about whether that is OK for him emotionally. I think something these guys need to realize is the step parent just doesn't " look forward " to the visits like they do. Instead of it being taboo that knowledge should be " ok " . If the person is not treating the kids well then THAT is a whole different story ! I feel like a " good " step parent should get POINTS for encouraging the PARENT to spend time with the kids.

The dudes don’t look forward to it either. But according to their male privilege they can get away with those feelings. L admitted he missed his children when they weren’t around but when it was time to actually take care of them, he was dreading it. He gleefully does it of course, but deep down he does not look forward to the extra work (and money) has to put in.

they damn sure good at guilt tripping if they can tell anyone else, besides themselves, isn’t looking forward to it.

miss.a.p1600
07-07-2022, 05:48 PM
100% love the way you worded this. My husband always "looks forward" to his kid visits, which I love for him, because he's their dad and he SHOULD like spending time with his kids. But divorced dads look forward to it from a position where they used to live with their kids full time and now they don't. Of course they don't like that. But whereas a parental visit for them is them regaining part of something they lost from their old life, to a step-parent, that visit is something new intruding on their old way of life. It's never going to be the same for us. As long as we're not cruel or making the kids feel unwanted, I think it's just a reality that men need to realize. I usually tell my husband that it's up to him if he wants to do extra time with the kids. I'm never going to jump for excitement if he says yes, but I encourage him to do what he thinks is best with his kids. But it's HIS time, not something I feel I should be obligated to be a part of.

This is why I usually say no when my husband can't do something extra with them or has to take them home early due to work or something, and bio-mom insists on asking if I can do it. My thought process is "why would I?" It's not my parenting time. They don't come over here to see and bond with me. It's so they can maintain a relationship with their dad. If he's not here, I'm not just volunteering free childcare for bio-mom unless it's an emergency. I did it one weekend to ease the stress on my husband of dealing with her bullshit hysterics over him needing to go out of town, but I still feel like it shouldn't have been required or expected. These custodial visits are about bonding time between the kids and their parent, not just about taking them off the other parent's hands. But anyway, that's a different topic lol


I indirectly volunteered to help Bertha get a break from her childcare duties a couple hours early (since L worked late that day) and all she had to do was drop them off.

Do you know this bitch complained about it?!?

ok then Bertha I won’t offer anymore in the future. Unless someone is bleeding out and it’s a dire emergency.

I stared going back to my original stance “I’m not doing any free childcare unless your ass is here and/or I’m being compensated”

Girl I wish I could snatch a knot in her head to make her give me back those precious 3 hours of my life

miss.a.p1600
07-07-2022, 05:52 PM
L left to go to Berthas house to go see his children since - hallelujah thank god! Bertha did her job for once and kept them this past holiday weekend - he hasn’t seen them since about a week (and he’s used to seeing them at least once a week)

I wish he would just take them out for a smoothie or something rather than go to the bitch’s house. But whatever. As long as he can get his parenting needs met and i get more quiet time in this house. I’m good.

carmen_b
07-07-2022, 06:15 PM
^ Id say it’s unconventional for sure to be at her house but like you said ... desperate times.., and boy can ya desperate for quiet in this situation!

carmen_b
07-08-2022, 09:57 AM
J set up that play date at the OTHER house ( NOT this one ) tomorrow and you will like the results. :)

miss.a.p1600
07-08-2022, 01:44 PM
L said he has a lot of days off coming up

“Lord please give me some peace and quiet and these people respect my boundaries by staying no more than 2 nights so I can remain happy and satisfied”

Otherwise L is going to have a steep price to pay.

carmen_b
07-08-2022, 02:13 PM
^ Haha.

Didn't you get like a week straight ha ?

If he is smart he will do his two days and then if he wants a third take them somewhere else !

carmen_b
07-08-2022, 02:13 PM
I'm happy to report there has been NO extra people at the house this entire week. :)

carmen_b
07-08-2022, 04:31 PM
Today went pretty well .
We ( all three of us ) went to a nice dinner.
It was really good !
It just seems like the day is DRAGGING a bit ! :/

carmen_b
07-09-2022, 08:54 AM
So ..... in June the split was 15 days and 15 days .
^ His Mom covered 2-3 of " our days " during Hawaii.

My partners ex is *supposed* to do 16 -17 days on months he has a business trip. I'm a little bummed to see that for July .... WE have 16 days and she has 14. It should be flipped.
It is DEFINITELY not something I'm going to pick over or even mention verbally. He has done the changes I wanted.

The two of them are OUT of the house 8:30a.m. - 12:30p.m. today . :)
Also not a single extra person has been at the house this week. I SO desperately needed that.
Now I'm feeling refreshed .
Run the house MY way and watch the rewards roll in. :)

carmen_b
07-09-2022, 05:09 PM
^ After they did their outing he took her to his Uncles to give us a couple hours. :)
I told him I'd make incredible use of the time if we had a " Saturday window " before he left on his business trip.
I was waiting in a black lace outfit and my stripper rhinestones when he got back.

carmen_b
07-10-2022, 08:58 AM
They are both leaving this morning.
She leaves in 5-7 minutes and I take J to the airport in 20.

I'll have three days here solo before my business trip that my dog and I leave town for.

I'm not doing *awesome* in the summer admittedly but trying to make the best of it.
We all might go to my family cabin together at the end of the month.
It's VERY hot where we live so getting outside is difficult.
I need to brainstorm on some indoor things for the next few weeks after his business trip ( last few weeks of summer is July 15 - Aug. 7 ..... yes .... )!

BUT ..... I'm going to soak up the peace of 5 days solo starting in about 20 min. !
It's a Sunday so I'm not working. I can wait to lounge around the house but I'm also thinking of the Elvis movie in the theatre OR yoga today to break up the day.

carmen_b
07-10-2022, 09:08 AM
I just HATE the the ex comes into the house ( just in the front entry way ) .
I wish that the routine was to exchange everything OUTSIDE . Ugh.
I feel like I can't put my foot down on it because it's been done that way forever .
My partner is also sometimes in video calls so it's easier for her to open door / grab kid / grab stuff if he is occupied .
BLEH. It only happens once a week but I've been on edge about it for the last 90 minutes .

I also had a dream that I was worried about her dropping in on a visit with MY family lol.

At least she showed up on time as we are trying to get out to the airport.

miss.a.p1600
07-11-2022, 04:51 AM
^The divorced people I know don’t go inside their exes homes.

I’d tell the broad to pull up to the curb and we will walk the kid to the car.

Wtf is her problem. Geez. He’s probably trying to keep the peace but as a result he’s allowing her to test boundaries.

There is no need for her to come inside (unless she’s dropping off money or something)

I’d be just as petty and open the door with a satin robe on nothing underneath and push her out whilst telling her “little Suzy will be ready in 2 min and J will walk her down to your car” then close the door on her ass.

miss.a.p1600
07-11-2022, 04:56 AM
L decided to take THE ENTIRE WEEK off work.

Ugh!!!!!

Welcome to smothering city. His ass better be doing something productive and get out of my way.

Thank goodness he ASKED MY INPUT regarding his kids being over here during the week. And he’s only planning on two days. Because I was going to disappear on his ass if it was an entire week. Thank heavens!

miss.a.p1600
07-11-2022, 05:02 AM
So ..... in June the split was 15 days and 15 days .
^ His Mom covered 2-3 of " our days " during Hawaii.

My partners ex is *supposed* to do 16 -17 days on months he has a business trip. I'm a little bummed to see that for July .... WE have 16 days and she has 14. It should be flipped.
It is DEFINITELY not something I'm going to pick over or even mention verbally. He has done the changes I wanted.

The two of them are OUT of the house 8:30a.m. - 12:30p.m. today . :)
Also not a single extra person has been at the house this week. I SO desperately needed that.
Now I'm feeling refreshed .
Run the house MY way and watch the rewards roll in. :)

i don’t think you have to say anything but you can make a note of it then bring it up later only If you see a continuous pattern

miss.a.p1600
07-11-2022, 05:08 AM
They are both leaving this morning.
She leaves in 5-7 minutes and I take J to the airport in 20.

I'll have three days here solo before my business trip that my dog and I leave town for.

I'm not doing *awesome* in the summer admittedly but trying to make the best of it.
We all might go to my family cabin together at the end of the month.
It's VERY hot where we live so getting outside is difficult.
I need to brainstorm on some indoor things for the next few weeks after his business trip ( last few weeks of summer is July 15 - Aug. 7 ..... yes .... )!

BUT ..... I'm going to soak up the peace of 5 days solo starting in about 20 min. !
It's a Sunday so I'm not working. I can wait to lounge around the house but I'm also thinking of the Elvis movie in the theatre OR yoga today to break up the day.


Girl I’d give ANYTHING for 5 days solo!

L is so cotdamn clingy I only had ONE 24 hours away from him and it was GREAT!!! His ass was losing his damn mind.

His daughter has been begging him to go out of town for her birthday. Im hoping the sweet heavens will convince him to take his kids and go out of town. So I can get another break from his kid obligations, a break from being in a non-stop couple, and enjoy the peace and quiet of this house for a couple of days.

pray for ya girl.

carmen_b
07-11-2022, 07:47 AM
^ I think that would be great if L would leave town with them .
Win / win. They get time and you get quiet.

I’m kind of bummed to have a long drive the 13th and heavy work hours 14th and 15th ha !
I mean I didn’t travel *with* J because of these things but now they are impacting how much solo time I get haha.

I’ll focus on today and tomorrow and solo luxury at the house.

miss.a.p1600
07-11-2022, 08:26 AM
^girl if he leaves town with them I will do the Irish jig live on stripper webs

Yes! On the solo luxury.