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carmen_b
07-26-2022, 08:21 AM
You always have good insight.

I don't really know what he is thinking. She had already said she would be more willing to help with things if he made more / paid for more.
He didn't ..... so he gets what he gets.

I've considered leaving J like every other day this past week ( he hasn't done anything except the lack of his kid out of the house M - F ) .
I can't imagine it if he tried to dump her here when he wasn't here. That would be a hard no for me.
It would be an " ok sure for a day " answer IF he would have managed the summer the right way the last 8 weeks.


He's taking liberties . I think his dream is for you to have his kids full-time being childcare. I think he's selfish. Don't let him guilt trip you. Put your foot down. If they try and drop the kids off again tell him he has to leave work and look after them. You don't owe him and his ex any days of chikdcare. Your not a lady of leisure so why should you be a housewife plus work and pay for stuff it's not fair. Hopefully you can move out soon with this new job even if you don't stay there forever. You should not have to escape your own home you should have peace. You can't flourish as a person when you don't have peace at home. This guy ain't changing he's getting worse expecting more and more from you. I hope you are able to find peace soon.

carmen_b
07-26-2022, 08:23 AM
Well ..... FUCK .
I miscalculated the days .
It's actually FIVE business days left that we have until school starts.
Today / tomorrow and then Mon - Wed. next week.

Well fuck that fucking shit lol.

Anyway .... that's me for today.
Have a wonderful day everyone.

miss.a.p1600
07-26-2022, 08:51 AM
^ If he does it just leave for a few days and tell him you'll come back IF he sticks to his two organized days per week .
If he chooses to go back on what he TOLD you was happening then you have the option to end the partnership.

Thank you!

i thought about that. Like if I leave for the weekend it would give me a sense of freedom away from him and his endless baggage and it would give me the leverage to get out permanently.

i am a bit worried about my belongings. Like if he gets petty and tries to destroy my things while I’m gone. I’m trying to sell some stuff. I may just break down and discreetly move stuff into storage.

i am a bit frustrated to spend all this money and I don’t know if I’m going to pass the drug test to get this job. I’m detoxing now. I’ll figure it out though.

i appreciate your insight.

carmen_b
07-26-2022, 09:02 AM
^ Move valuables little by little into storage.
I don't get the vibe he would damage things.
He knows he is being disrespectful .
Little storage units are so cheap.
Or if you have a family member who can take a few bins in a garage ( but be discreet ) that might be good.

I have had to pack up myself when J did something stupid ( when he lingered for two days on removing his ex from FB when she " resurfaced " ).
I literally was at my AirBnB telling him on the phone that I would come back for more stuff and get moving out if she wasn't removed asap. Sometimes shit just isn't acceptable and we need to put our foot down!

YOU wanting a quiet house 5 days a week should be a good enough answer on " what to do " when things come up lol !
It is honestly probably good for the kid to go to the crowded house. At least he is out interacting instead of laze land at home.

carmen_b
07-26-2022, 01:36 PM
I should just keep my mouth shut about things at this point right ?

Considering it’s literally 14 days until school starts ?

smeca
07-26-2022, 01:53 PM
I excused myself after dinner to go read in the quiet. Had a mentally taxing day of work and didnt want tv noise, needed quiet to let my mind reorganise. Just realised I should have suggested we all spend half an hour reading our own book together in the living room, then it's a joint activity but QUIET

carmen_b
07-26-2022, 02:15 PM
^ It's ok to take time in your room though !
It's also ok to organize a QUIET activity like you mentioned ! That sounds nice !

miss.a.p1600
07-26-2022, 03:51 PM
I should just keep my mouth shut about things at this point right ?

Considering it’s literally 14 days until school starts ?

Probably a good idea.

14 days will go by faster than you know.

Just make a mental note so if it becomes an excessive pattern then you can say something.

miss.a.p1600
07-26-2022, 03:53 PM
^ It's ok to take time in your room though !
It's also ok to organize a QUIET activity like you mentioned ! That sounds nice !

Agreed.

I do the same.

I will make myself available with them for a bit then when I’ve reached my maximum and I prefer quiet an solitude I will dismiss myself.

miss.a.p1600
07-26-2022, 04:04 PM
Thank heavens!

Bertha got L’s family to watch her kids for a day while L is at work and I will help with the other day.

I think he knew I was NOT going roll with the shenanigans.

And this bitch better not ask for help with her bills after she comes back from her little vacation.

chanzep
07-26-2022, 04:54 PM
I hope you get new job then you can move. Honestly you will feel much better. Since I moved I landed better paying jobs than i had living in ex hus place. I believe when your at peace things flow better.This man and his baggage are wearing on you.
I don't know what the issue was with kids staying in hood dont they go school in the hood anyway. They should interact with their family. I don't understand why Bertha never has her kids!. One of my best friends is a divorced single mom she has her kids most of the time. Im glad the kids are going with family but this situation will happen again. I suggest slowley moving your stuff into a cheap storage so you can bounce when you are ready.
You deserve peace everyday at home.

miss.a.p1600
07-27-2022, 12:01 PM
^thank you for the support!

Also,

I just talked to the therapist.

I feel MUCH better.

From all the feedback y’all have given and the therapist too.

She said that he probably will try to slam me with custody IF we ever got married (which wouldn’t be a problem IF he had more resources to support that) and that she thinks he will never take the travel job because he is too enmeshed with his kids.

Lose lose for me. So……

Gotta start prepping for the end of this

kimbe
07-27-2022, 12:09 PM
^ Ok, maybe I'm not following it closely enough, but why is marriage on question at all regarding all the issues you experience?

miss.a.p1600
07-27-2022, 12:19 PM
^my thoughts exactly.

Like why is he so deadset on marriage and he’s in debt and making barely average salary?!?

I think he has unresolved “abandonment issues” and “mommy issues”

His family is religious too and pressuring him about cohabitation

I also think he is a little insecure and possessive. I have waaay less baggage, higher social status, can procure more options, and can easily leave so marriage would be a way to “lock me down”

kimbe
07-27-2022, 01:06 PM
T's daughter told me she wants to go to Miami, and according to her T has approved. We're leaving late Saturday (or early Sunday, red eye...) and returning Thursday.
It's not optimal for me, but I won't argue on a Miami trip so I'm in! I was thinking more like taking the car to LA or something, so this is really an upgrade to what I was expecting!
I'm going to spend the entire Friday and Saturday with naked people (aka; competition spray tanning) so somewhat stressful with the flight already at Saturday night. And I also have the sale to deal with.

I'll go with her for some shopping tomorrow, I've promised I would buy her some swimwear for the occasion.

carmen_b
07-27-2022, 07:19 PM
^ Sounds fun ! :)

carmen_b
07-27-2022, 07:22 PM
Deep breaths here.

It's the weird week where it just feels like his kid is here *all* the time.
It was 25-27 ( she is here )
only 28 and 29 ( just us )
July 30 - Aug. 3 she is here

So ..... I'm struggling a bit but trying to hang in and take it day by day.

I feel thrown off since *typically* after a three day visit I'd look forward to 4 solo days.
I'll probably go out of town 3 nights for that longer one coming up.

carmen_b
07-27-2022, 07:25 PM
I'm usually very " hands off " but today I suggested that his nearly 10 year old should do the whole bath process herself including turning the knobs .
I was super super short on patience and hiding upstairs and he came up to ask me something and mentioned something like " I'm going to start her bath in 5 minutes ".
Um ..... ok ...... let a nearly 10 year old keep thinking that a parent needs to be involved with a simple bath.
The reason I had a strong reaction was that I thought it was over ( the lack of independent involving bath stuff ).
I *thought* she had been doing it all herself ( turning the knobs ) for at least a month.

She got braces on today so I think he is reverting to babying for the day.
She seems fine ( not in any pain ).

It's tricky because I *know* he will say something but I really don't want to say " I'm sorry I suggested a 10 year old can do this ".
My opinion is that ALL nearly 10 years olds should NOT need parental assistance in getting ready at night.

chanzep
07-27-2022, 07:47 PM
A 10 year old needs help having a bath!. That's insane.

carmen_b
07-27-2022, 08:05 PM
^ It's not " help " but yes I had no idea he would " prep " the bath. I thought that was gone 1-2 months ago.

I was shocked and I know my tone was *not* good but the point is still right I think.
She's 10 in 6 weeks.
She should do it all from start to finish.

miss.a.p1600
07-27-2022, 11:46 PM
Ls daughter the exact same way.

She got very whiny and begging him for help with the shower and pretending she didn’t know how.

She rarely takes showers here. Which I prefer because he probably will complain if I make her take the shower herself and CLEAN afterwards.

The coddling is ANNOYING

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 03:50 AM
I barely slept last night. And me and L = the silent treatment

I kept reflecting on why tf he pushed me to have a conversation about marriage without a therapist being present.

Whenever the conversation directs back to his annoying ass ex wife having free reigns and him having loose boundaries with his kids he immediately gets defensive

I hate myself sometimes I think that I should have refused his request to go on date #1 simply because he had dependent kids and that was on my list of dealbreakers. I should have never made an exception. I thought I could deal but his kids aren’t trained well.

Im tired af and resentful his ass is sleeping while I can’t get one wink of sleep. I researched storage units while he was right there supposedly asleep.

smeca
07-28-2022, 04:39 AM
^kids can learn whatever you make the effort to teach them. In other families/cultures the kids will help with all sorts of daily jobs (there's a yt channel about life in yakutia, and this 10yo was doing some serious wood chopping to store it for winter!)

Bf has been teaching her stuff all week. She's mowed the lawn, cooked dinner, put away dishes, watered the plants. He's just had her working on everything lol. And good! I didn't learn a bunch of stuff until late/adult and it doesn't help you get on in life at all.

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 06:02 AM
^thats excellent your bf is teaching the kid how to be independent at a young age

I wish L would do this.

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 06:03 AM
I question my decision about dealing with a divorced man with two kids.

https://www.quora.com/I-struggle-with-the-fact-my-partner-has-a-child-to-a-previous-partner-what-can-I-do-to-help-deal-with-this

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 06:16 AM
^ Ah - Oh I followed the link and " Allison " is doing the rambling about " putting the child first " .
I hate that phrase.
Haha. I wish I could pop her one in the mouth lol.
I wish this phrasing would die off already and people would say " Here are ideas to prioritize everyone " .

Allison please come into my club so I can " on accident " kick you in the face with a heel and spill a drink on you.
After all ..... " my stage show comes first " lol.

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 06:24 AM
From what I have read on other forums it's very common to feel like you *thought* you could handle it . As things settle there can be SO MANY things going on that you don't agree with ...... then people question if they REALLY can.

Personally I think you could have handled it if your partner had actually done what he said when his ex moved back ( two days a week and supposedly he was getting a raise ). He *chose* to be a disorganized shit show in action which made it 20 times harder than it needed to be.

Plus even recently you basically told him to take them a third day if he wants just don't bring them to the house ( for long ) . How much time does he need ? If he bumps it to three days that is nearly 50% of the time.


I question my decision about dealing with a divorced man with two kids.

https://www.quora.com/I-struggle-with-the-fact-my-partner-has-a-child-to-a-previous-partner-what-can-I-do-to-help-deal-with-this

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 06:28 AM
J didn't comment on my comment ( other than right after I said it ) so maybe we are letting it slide.
We just relaxed and watched part of a movie last night so that was nice.

If he DOES comment I'll probably just stick to my guns and say I'm getting concerned about the lack of independence.
I won't crack into a million things ( that turning the bath knobs thing I found particularly triggering last night I guess ).
It is more of this " overall " vibe of holding her back from gaining independence.
I guess a therapist might be good to mediate if we talk about that in detail.

Aurora_Sunset
07-28-2022, 06:51 AM
From what I have read on other forums it's very common to feel like you *thought* you could handle it and then when there are just SO MANY things going on that you don't agree with ...... people question if they REALLY can.

Personally I think you could have handled it if your partner had actually done what he said when his ex moved back ( two days a week and supposedly he was getting a raise ). He *chose* to be a disorganized shit show in action which made it 20 times harder than it needed to be.

It's unreal how so many people will jump on those forums and basically say, "If you can't accept that, then leave," with no other insight as to how to learn to handle things better. Like there's just no middle-ground between being the super-involved, gun-ho step-parent from the get-go or being an evil step-parent who makes the kids' lives miserable... My guess is that people who say dumb shit like that have never actually experienced it. I think the big disconnect comes, not from not being able to "accept" that there are kids or that your partner had a life before you (like some of these dumbasses keep parroting), but in realizing, in practice, that you don't agree with parts of the original parenting and feeling like you have no say in changing it. Frankly, I don't think that's a "step-parent problem" - that's a societal problem that expects step-parents to just sit down, shut up, and do things the way the bio-parents have always done it, even if they don't agree. Take on all the responsibility of dealing with things you don't agree with, with none of the power to have an opinion over changing it. Be a "real parent" - but remember "your place" at the same time.... *eyeroll*

Also, yes, the phrase "the kids always come first" needs to die. Yeah, certain things involving the stability of the kids will always be the priority in making our schedule or budget. But, even in non-blended families, the kids' every want and desire can't "come first." Unless the other parent is abusive and you need to get your kid away from them, you can't replace the importance of your partner with your kid. You still have to be on the same side together and prioritizing each other. Stupid ideas like "the kid now takes precedence over EVERYTHING and everyone else's needs" is exactly how divorce happens.

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 06:56 AM
^ Providing stability ( house / stable life ) means everyone in the household is prioritized haha.

Yes, it is sad how just having the kids around ( and not saving energy for the partner ) contributes to a lot of divorces.
J described his former partnership once as " the daughter was 99% of our lives and my ex wouldn't even let it be 90% ".
But then he hovers extensively .....
Habits are hard to break I guess.

I think people do it out of guilt or just pure overkill.
Kids will be FINE if they spend a few nights at their grandparents or with other family members to give the parents a much needed break. They also end up JUST FINE if they have an activity for 5-6 hours in the day where their parent isn't just glued to them.

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 08:06 AM
^ Ah - Oh I followed the link and " Allison " is doing the rambling about " putting the child first " .
I hate that phrase.
Haha. I wish I could pop her one in the mouth lol.
I wish this phrasing would die off already and people would say " Here are ideas to prioritize everyone " .

Allison please come into my club so I can " on accident " kick you in the face with a heel and spill a drink on you.
After all ..... " my stage show comes first " lol.

L does this to me whenever I give feedback about how he has very lose boundaries with his ex wife and kids

i get hit with the phrase “those are my kids”

it’s annoying af!


From what I have read on other forums it's very common to feel like you *thought* you could handle it . As things settle there can be SO MANY things going on that you don't agree with ...... then people question if they REALLY can.

Personally I think you could have handled it if your partner had actually done what he said when his ex moved back ( two days a week and supposedly he was getting a raise ). He *chose* to be a disorganized shit show in action which made it 20 times harder than it needed to be.

Plus even recently you basically told him to take them a third day if he wants just don't bring them to the house ( for long ) . How much time does he need ? If he bumps it to three days that is nearly 50% of the time.

And to add fuel to the fire we just agreed he’d pay the bish child support so she’d stop calling him every other day begging for money.

but if your kids are hustling more time at this house than 2 nights a week and you’re giving them
what they want, which is moving closer to 50/50 then why tf are you paying her?

he was like what’s the problem? It’s only $xxx amount…..

im like look asshole you are doing A LOT of work (in addition to the weekends he’s off, he also takes them to doctors/dentists/school) which negates the need to pay her if y’all are doing equal work/equal time

youre in debt to your eyeballs so that extra money needs to go to eliminating your debt not to this broad who probably slick makes more money than you.

I agreed she needed child support if she’s doing majority of the child rearing but she’s not right now. She’s totally playing him for a fool. He’s too oblivious because he can’t see past the divorced dad guilt.

He whines and bitches and moans about not being able to see them EVERYDAY (yet je inappropriately FaceTimes his daughter numerous times a day and was volunteering to drive halfway across town during his lunch break every day to pick up his son from school). Really?!? Should have stayed with Rasputia then! Wtf?!

he’s really dumb.


^ Providing stability ( house / stable life ) means everyone in the household is prioritized haha.

Yes, it is sad how just having the kids around ( and not saving energy for the partner ) contributes to a lot of divorces.
J described his former partnership once as " the daughter was 99% of our lives and my ex wouldn't even let it be 90% ".
But then he hovers extensively .....
Habits are hard to break I guess.

I think people do it out of guilt or just pure overkill.
Kids will be FINE if they spend a few nights at their grandparents or with other family members to give the parents a much needed break. They also end up JUST FINE if they have an activity for 5-6 hours in the day where their parent isn't just glued to them.

agreed 100%

i wish I could step/co-parent with you instead of L

lol!

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 08:08 AM
It's unreal how so many people will jump on those forums and basically say, "If you can't accept that, then leave," with no other insight as to how to learn to handle things better. Like there's just no middle-ground between being the super-involved, gun-ho step-parent from the get-go or being an evil step-parent who makes the kids' lives miserable... My guess is that people who say dumb shit like that have never actually experienced it. I think the big disconnect comes, not from not being able to "accept" that there are kids or that your partner had a life before you (like some of these dumbasses keep parroting), but in realizing, in practice, that you don't agree with parts of the original parenting and feeling like you have no say in changing it. Frankly, I don't think that's a "step-parent problem" - that's a societal problem that expects step-parents to just sit down, shut up, and do things the way the bio-parents have always done it, even if they don't agree. Take on all the responsibility of dealing with things you don't agree with, with none of the power to have an opinion over changing it. Be a "real parent" - but remember "your place" at the same time.... *eyeroll*

Also, yes, the phrase "the kids always come first" needs to die. Yeah, certain things involving the stability of the kids will always be the priority in making our schedule or budget. But, even in non-blended families, the kids' every want and desire can't "come first." Unless the other parent is abusive and you need to get your kid away from them, you can't replace the importance of your partner with your kid. You still have to be on the same side together and prioritizing each other. Stupid ideas like "the kid now takes precedence over EVERYTHING and everyone else's needs" is exactly how divorce happens.

YES!!!

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 10:39 AM
J didn't comment on my comment ( other than right after I said it ) so maybe we are letting it slide.
We just relaxed and watched part of a movie last night so that was nice.

If he DOES comment I'll probably just stick to my guns and say I'm getting concerned about the lack of independence.
I won't crack into a million things ( that turning the bath knobs thing I found particularly triggering last night I guess ).
It is more of this " overall " vibe of holding her back from gaining independence.
I guess a therapist might be good to mediate if we talk about that in detail.

L is the exact same way regarding his kids being independent, insisting on doing EVERYTHING for them when the come over, and I believe holding them
back

If you do bring it up, take it from me, do it in a therapeutic environment beca the divorced parents are VERY bad at being objective when it comes to feedback about their kids and it is a good chance it will cause an argument otherwise.

If I do anything but sing praises about L’s loud, needy, underperforming, unhealthy habits of his kids, he is ready to jump down my throat and we argue and I get stonewalled.

Maybe J will be more receptive but just fyi it could go sideways. Especially once you’ve got to the point of frustrated and you have no filter.

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 10:42 AM
^ I hope we don’t get into it today honestly.

We have the house to ourselves the next two days and I want to focus on that. :)

If he wants to talk I’m open to it but it’s very unlikely I’ll initiate a chat.
I feel like dancing right now in this Dairy Queen thinking of my 1 pm return to an empty house.

kimbe
07-28-2022, 11:16 AM
Shopping with T’s daughter turned out to an interesting session. I took her to this lingerie store I know also have quite some interesting swimwear. It’s a small place and I’ve still to see anyone else there than the owner. She’s great, always very helpful, and happily does a special order if you want something she doesn’t have in store.

As soon as we had entered the store, T’s daughter attention was immediately drawn towards the bikini the owner was about to put on a mannequin, an extremely tiny black thong. I was like no no, you’re not going to buy that thing! She just gave me that look and continued talking to the owner about sizes etc. I realized I had lost and went on looking for myself.

Ok, maybe I’m exagerating a little, the fact is that I could easily have worn this, but she’s 17 and I just think she's a bit young..

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 11:44 AM
^yeah I wouldn’t let a 17 year old wear a micro thong either.

She tries to buy it herself out with her teen friends then that’s on her but I wouldn’t buy it for her or allow her to buy it in my presence.

kimbe
07-28-2022, 11:46 AM
^That was my initial thoughts as well, then I reminded myself what I was like as 17.........

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 11:51 AM
^ikr!

I remember begging my mom for thongs when I was in high school and she was like NO!

Lol!

I didn’t get to wear them until I was off to college away from parental authority.

Then I discovered I hated wear them and feeling like I need to pick something out of my butt constantly lol!

We live in a more conservative area here so that’s why I’d lean toward no (unless you’re grown or have a job and paying for it yourself) but it really depends on how conservative (or liberal) y’all are.

I remember girls in my high school had really liberal parents and would have thongs, clit piercings, tats and more.

kimbe
07-28-2022, 11:58 AM
^^She's definitely an extrovert but I guess it will calm down somewhat as she gets older. Remember the T-shirt incident I posted?
On the other hand, she is a great looking girl, absolutely super fit body, and I'm not going to be one to tell her not to be proud of herself.

smeca
07-28-2022, 12:53 PM
So bf is giving her maths questions, in the context of "if a case of beer holds 18 cans, and i drink so many a night, how many nights until I need to go to the shop?" Lmao

I'm doing better this week. He was out today and I was working so I just made her breakfast and lunch while she did drawing and stuff in her room. She asked me what the hell my job was during lunch lol, and then did some gardening/fashioned a sword from a stick. She has calmed down a lot since the first visit, she was pushing boundaries to see what she could get away with, and now she knows he isn't a pushover. I think that could be a thing with many dads who don't have their kids very often, they want to avoid doing discipline etc.

I just struggle with interacting like I do with any other people generally, and I worried about her sensing this and thinking I'm hostile or something. But today was fine. It's weird bc i dont feel like 'a parent' or 'an adult' in the way kids talk about them lol. At what point do you feel like the Elder whomst kids are told to respect ?:p

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 01:08 PM
^ You see her infrequently right ?
I think what you describe in giving her some time but not sinking your *whole* schedule into her visit is probably pretty ideal.
Then she gets time with just her Dad too.
He seems on the ball !

I basically don't have the personality type to just interact constantly so for me it's not really an option at all .

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 01:12 PM
I'm trying to make the best of this since it's a challenging schedule ahead.
Today / tomorrow - just us
July 30, 31, Aug. 1 - my trip out of town .... maybe return in evening
Aug. 2 and 3 , all of here together before J's trip out of town.

I don't *need* the trip up North per say but 5 days is just too much haha .
I need to break it up somewhat.
I can check the trail camera on my property and see if any large animals wandered in.

I had my casting place say they " might " want me for something up North Aug. 3 or 4 .
Well make up your damn minds if you do so I can adjust . ^^^
I know I'm going without Dick Aug 4-8 due to my partner traveling which is 5 days so if your I'm rounding it up to 6 let me know ASAP to mentally prepare ! I'm not holding the time open unless I know ASAP .

Aurora_Sunset
07-28-2022, 01:44 PM
Shoutout to my husband for asking if we had plans Saturday before telling stepson he could come over. We're having step-daughter over tomorrow night and part of Saturday for some "just her" time for her birthday. We did the same for stepson back in February. But she has to be back at her mom's by 4pm Saturday for their birthday plans with her. My husband's idea was that he would then pick up stepson and have him come over for Saturday night/Sunday.

Why though?

It's not like he was supposed to be here this weekend anyway. Neither of them were, we just offered to grab the girl for some special extra time because it's her birthday. It's not like he needs the "extra attention" to even things out. We didn't give the girl extra time here by herself when we did this for his birthday. It's just a special birthday thing. And they've been here almost every weekend over the summer. I think the only 2 weekends we've had kid-free so far were the weekend I had COVID, and last weekend when they were supposed to go out of town. He'll live. Shouldn't he be there for his sister's "family birthday celebration" anyway? Why would we take him away from that? Just so he can sit here and play Fortnite and watch those stupid Mario videos for an extra day and night lol

I said we didn't have specific "plans," per se, but I was thinking that since I'm taking off work for her birthday and we're going to be free by 4pm anyway, that we would take the opportunity to go out and have the night to ourselves. He said that was fine, and he wouldn't mention it to the kid then. Fantastic!

Aurora_Sunset
07-28-2022, 01:50 PM
I wish there was a tactful way to bring up that we all need to move out of this state. This place is unbearably conservative, and it's only getting worse. Considering that I'm pretty sure that bio-mom and her parents are pretty hardcore liberals, I feel like they should want to get the kids out of this red hellhole. I'm kinda surprised she hasn't brought it up herself... I know she wouldn't move unless her parents did though, since she gets so much help from them. Hopefully, they'll all start coming to this conclusion.

smeca
07-28-2022, 01:51 PM
^ You see her infrequently right ?
I think what you describe in giving her some time but not sinking your *whole* schedule into her visit is probably pretty ideal.
Then she gets time with just her Dad too.
He seems on the ball !

I basically don't have the personality type to just interact constantly so for me it's not really an option at all .


Yeah his work schedule and our distance means it's fairly infrequent that she comes to stay. He's great, he doesn't expect me to do any entertaining and she is used to doing her own stuff, although I can tell he thinks it's sweet when we are doing something together.

Kids do seem exhausting. And sometimes I feel a bit guilty if i go off upstairs on my own, like i should lend emotional support for her endless energy, but then I think... you got somebody pregnant lol, it's your deal

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 02:30 PM
^ I get upset ( just with life in general I guess ) if I'm " all in " schedule wise during visits. It's pretty essential for me to separate the time out and make sure I'm having chunks to myself.

I think it is a cute gesture you are giving her some time while she is there.

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 02:35 PM
Shoutout to my husband for asking if we had plans Saturday before telling stepson he could come over. We're having step-daughter over tomorrow night and part of Saturday for some "just her" time for her birthday. We did the same for stepson back in February. But she has to be back at her mom's by 4pm Saturday for their birthday plans with her. My husband's idea was that he would then pick up stepson and have him come over for Saturday night/Sunday.

Why though?

It's not like he was supposed to be here this weekend anyway. Neither of them were, we just offered to grab the girl for some special extra time because it's her birthday. It's not like he needs the "extra attention" to even things out. We didn't give the girl extra time here by herself when we did this for his birthday. It's just a special birthday thing. And they've been here almost every weekend over the summer. I think the only 2 weekends we've had kid-free so far were the weekend I had COVID, and last weekend when they were supposed to go out of town. He'll live. Shouldn't he be there for his sister's "family birthday celebration" anyway? Why would we take him away from that? Just so he can sit here and play Fortnite and watch those stupid Mario videos for an extra day and night lol

I said we didn't have specific "plans," per se, but I was thinking that since I'm taking off work for her birthday and we're going to be free by 4pm anyway, that we would take the opportunity to go out and have the night to ourselves. He said that was fine, and he wouldn't mention it to the kid then. Fantastic!

I wish L would ask me BEFORE he agrees to his kids.

Good thing your husband is respecting you and your authority and setting healthy boundaries for the kid

I hate it when L does unnecessary extra time because 9 times out of 10 Bertha isnt going to transport so now it’s extra time and gas money.

carmen_b
07-28-2022, 02:53 PM
I know I've been really vocal on here lately but my patience with her not having someone to go during the day just ...... whew.

....breathe ...........

I basically was just out myself the last two days Noon to 5 .
I'm very glad she is at her Moms house .
I don't really think J does things horribly wrong.
There are just some differences popping in how I like things done v.s. what he is doing.
I think school being back in will resolve 90% of it.

I think my partner might be frustrated I didn't " give much time " . We did a dinner Monday then a dinner Wed. and an hour or so hanging out after dinner. I think what he didn't realize is that my patience was just GONE so I was doing my best not to be mean or snappy.

miss.a.p1600
07-28-2022, 03:05 PM
Yeah his work schedule and our distance means it's fairly infrequent that she comes to stay. He's great, he doesn't expect me to do any entertaining and she is used to doing her own stuff, although I can tell he thinks it's sweet when we are doing something together.

Kids do seem exhausting. And sometimes I feel a bit guilty if i go off upstairs on my own, like i should lend emotional support for her endless energy, but then I think... you got somebody pregnant lol, it's your deal

you sound like you balance it well.

do not feel guilty. You have needs too and it’s better to have a bit of time for yourself vs be super involved knowing it’s draining you then you get irritable and then the kid will feel that energy

Aurora_Sunset
07-28-2022, 03:30 PM
I really hate when bio-mom changes her mind last minute about what time she wants the kid(s) back. I specifically set my schedule to what I'm expecting our schedule with the kids to be, and then she fucks it up without even asking if it would throw off our plans with them. It's really inconsiderate. I wish my husband would stand up to her when she does it and tell her she needs to make any schedule changes way sooner than a day or two before, because it messes with my plans, like for work or travel. She's done it multiple times.