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hollyday
02-02-2003, 02:24 AM
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. " Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Lexi
02-02-2003, 03:21 PM
HAHAHAH Holly, thats a cute one!

What do you get when a cow crosses a thrashing machine???



A hamburger =(

Lexi
02-02-2003, 03:24 PM
What do you call 300 buffalo masturbating?

Beef Stroganoff

Jackjrct
02-06-2003, 04:44 AM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and
knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window
and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing
some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and
knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street. At the third red light,
the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on
the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up
and races to the next light. When he stops this time,
he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she
lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin,
it's winter in Indiana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

Pamela
02-06-2003, 06:59 AM
Love em all!!!! I need to copy them. Too bad i can't remember off the top off my head...brain overload!!! :o

michael
02-07-2003, 04:18 AM
A 54 year old mathmatics professor comes home one day and says to his 54 year old wife, " I've got some bad news for you dear. I've been seeing an 18 year old student and tonight we're going to the Paradise Inn. I won't be home until after 12am." His wife replies, " Well, you must be an a lousy math professor. And I've got some news for you, too. While you're out, I'll be seeing our 18 year old pool boy, and you should know that 18 goes into 54 more than 54 goes into 18."

The__Q
02-08-2003, 07:45 AM
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help
keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so f*ckin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet-we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the f*ckin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over some part of it and f*ck it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download p*rn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jack-off to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog!
those were your options!

We didn't have fancy sh*t like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked a$$! Your guy
was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the f*ck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes
back in 1984!

Jackjrct
02-10-2003, 01:15 AM
MEN TAKE WARNING....................

Police are warning all men who frequent strip clubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.

It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
"Beer" is used by female erotic dancers at Strip Clubs
to get their male victims to go to the VIP room and have a lap dance with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him for a dance. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to several lap dances.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy
memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their weekly paychesk in a familiar scam known as "VIP Champagne Lap Dances"

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude referred to as "a regular."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and dances are offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women Administering it, there are male support groups with avenues where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. The web address is www.stripclubjunkie.com.

;) ALL IN GOOD FUN ;D

Jameson
02-12-2003, 05:53 PM
An American Business Wants To Do Business with Al Qaida Terrorists:

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: "We Would Rather Do Business With 1000 Al Qaida Terrorists Than With A Single American"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in downtown Philly. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer:
A Funeral Home!
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

[[Considering what is going on with Our Great Nation, I thought this was worth sharing.]]

@}-->---
Take care & stay healthy & warm/cool;

ALOHA;

Jameson
:-)
---<--{@

NYCjacqueline
02-13-2003, 07:43 AM
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily placed his hand high up on her leg. The nun looked
at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest
was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129." Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm129. It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

..jax

Jackjrct
02-13-2003, 01:06 PM
NYCJac - Love It

doc-catfish
02-13-2003, 01:15 PM
Two men were out enjoying a nice round of golf when a pair of slow female players in front of them was holding them up.

"This is ridiculous." said the first man. "I'm going to ask them if we can play through."

So the first man walked towards the women but upon seeing their faces turned around and came back. :o

"What's wrong?" said the second man. "Why didn't you ask them?"

"That's my wife AND my mistress. I can't ask them." replied the first man. " You go do it."

So the second man walked towards the women but upon seeing their faces turned around and came back. :o

"Small world." said the second man. ;)

Lexi
02-13-2003, 06:10 PM
HAHAAHHA
jameson that was great
and catfish good one

NYCjacqueline
02-15-2003, 02:30 AM
okay - i'm REALLY sorry about this one, but it gets me everytime:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"


..jax..

Theresa
02-15-2003, 04:27 PM
So there were these two brooms hanging together in a closet. They had been hanging together forever so finally they decide to get married. The wedding was beautiful and they both looked wonderful. So at the reception, the bride broom leaned over to the groom broom and whispered, "I think I'm pregnant." The groom broom replied, "That's impossible! We haven't even swept together yet!"

Chuck149
02-16-2003, 04:14 AM
A Ladies Prayer:

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks,
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed,
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more,
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Know what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twichin,
In the hall, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.

Amen

A Mans Prayer:

Lord, I pray for a nympho with big boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a boat.

Amen

Bridgette
02-16-2003, 06:28 PM
They grow up so fast.

Guess who's birthday it is?

Can you believe it? Monica Lewinski turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

My My My - where does the time go ! ! !

;D ;D ;D

Lexi
02-17-2003, 06:07 AM
Bridgette!!!!!!!! ROFL thats great
And Jacqueline, that clown joke was hilarious.

Lexi
02-17-2003, 06:07 AM
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato???


A dictator (dick tater) :D

The__Q
02-17-2003, 08:17 AM
The Reverend

The Reverend John Bush was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.


"Mrs. Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"


"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.


When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.


When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.


The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."


The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Bush."


The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

hollyday
02-17-2003, 09:05 AM
thanks for keeping my thread alive guys and gals...i know i havent posted any jokes in awhile but i totallyl appreciate everyone keeping up with the laughs.....at this time of year we could all use some cheer!!
big kisses to everyone
and LeQ, i loved your reply #61
i could totally relate as i grew up in the 80's, thanx for the nostalgia
kisses
holly :-*

The__Q
02-20-2003, 11:13 AM
A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral-- I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

Amethyst
02-22-2003, 11:47 PM
Loved the Monica Lewinsky joke, Bridgette!

Someone at work passed me this groaner - it's kind of cheesy, but I got a kick out of it!!


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!



The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now, the boy is getting tipsy and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...



(wait for it)




(it's coming)




(Ya' ready?)




(don't hate me)



(take a deep breath)




"He should have quit while he was a head!"

Amethyst
02-23-2003, 12:06 AM
Here's another...


GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS



Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Jackjrct
02-23-2003, 03:32 AM
The Vibrator

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old ,unmarried ,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

zaza
02-23-2003, 05:14 AM
What do you have if you turn a blondy upside down?
-A brunette who stinks out of her mouth

Lexi
02-23-2003, 09:38 AM
JACK
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! Oh my god,that was hysterical!

Jackjrct
02-24-2003, 01:37 AM
LEXI ;D

EvilCyn
02-24-2003, 03:00 AM
What do blondes and airplanes have in common ??
They both have black boxes .......

Amethyst
02-25-2003, 01:44 AM
Smart Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Jameson
02-25-2003, 04:11 AM
Dog Fight.... (long)

Bush & Osama decided to settle the war once & for all. They sat down & decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world & whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman & Rottweiler female dogs in the world & bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick & nobody could go near it.

When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out & slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. His dog snarled & leaped out of its cage & charged the American dog, but when it was close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth & consumed Osama's dog in 1 bite!

There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came over to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working 5 years with the meanest Doberman & Rottweiler female dogs in the world & the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had the best plastic surgeons working 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog!"

()()()
U gotta love our know-how/knowldge.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!

Take care & stay healthy & warm/cool;

ALOHA;

Jameson
:-) >^..^<

Lexi
02-25-2003, 04:54 PM
Jameson,
that was great LOL

The__Q
02-26-2003, 04:47 PM
Moose Hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.


Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.


They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.


Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."


After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back said, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"


The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Jackjrct
02-27-2003, 12:03 AM
Women's Posterior Size Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

hollyday
02-27-2003, 02:10 AM
HOLY FUCK JACKJRCT
im still laughing about the vibrator for a son in law......i just about fell over

KEEP EM COMING ;D

hollyday
02-27-2003, 02:16 AM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."


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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"


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A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."


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There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."


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This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."


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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


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There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."


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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


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An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"


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Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".


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There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."


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Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"


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One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"


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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."


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A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.


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One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."


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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."


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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."


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A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"


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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!


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This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"


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A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."


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A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".




The__Q
02-28-2003, 02:40 AM
Holly,
Did you go to a bartenders retirement party? ;) LOL

Sven and Ole met on the way to work one morning.


"Ole," said Sven, "you sure musta had a good time last night. I was walking by your house and I saw through the window you an' Lena as naked as you was born with big smiles on your faces."


"Ah Sven," said Ole, "you need to get your eyes checked. You were at the wrong house. I wasn't even home last night."

Jackjrct
03-01-2003, 01:02 AM
Words Women Use

FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." l

THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:33 PM
The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------

hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:38 PM
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I fucked a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:44 PM
These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body especially mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Can I have fries with that shake!

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

I'd look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:46 PM
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:49 PM
1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:50 PM
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.






hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:55 PM
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.



HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.



HOW MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!! (If you're a woman that is !!!)

hollyday
03-01-2003, 01:58 PM
Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

hollyday
03-01-2003, 02:02 PM
A woman writes to a magazine asking how she will know if he truly loves her...

"Well... Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- you will know. Sometimes the words, "I love you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action... Here are some ways that you can tell if he means what he says..."

He pretends to like your cat by no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.
When you come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they move the Playboy centerfold to a less frequented room and they hide dirty dishes in less conspicuous places.
They let you see the remote control. You as a woman will never actually get to use the remote, so consider a distant viewing of it a positive sign.
They rub your feet for 1-2 minutes before requesting a blowjob.
They take one of those Cosmo quiz things without complaining. Although they will resent you for it (please make a note of it)
They turn off the computer in order to spend more time with you. If they actually delete the porn mail- you can expect a proposal within weeks.
They use "we" when they used to use "I" ("We can't go out tonight. We're giving me a blowjob")
They stop making references to their ex-girlfriends ("I am in love with my ex-girlfriend", "I am stalking my ex-girlfriend" and "Gee- my ex-girlfriend sure gave me a great blowjob!"
They don't mind that their parents, pets and children like you better. Their friends will never like you better- they undoubtedly want to sleep with you, but they will never like you...

hollyday
03-01-2003, 02:03 PM
And your crybaby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothin and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.

If I throw a stick will you leave??

YOU!.... Off my planet!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!

A woman's favorite position is CEO

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Too many freaks not enough circuses.

Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

How do I set the laser printer to stun?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hollyday
03-01-2003, 02:21 PM
Rules For Women


this is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...

(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.
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hollyday
03-01-2003, 02:23 PM
You're A Woman


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Surefire Ways To Know You're A Woman...

You are a Bitch.

When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.

Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..

Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'

Whine

If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

Complain

Hate any bar he likes

Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.

Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.

Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

Break into tears for no apparent reason.

Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.