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hollyday
03-01-2003, 02:34 PM
Women's Questions
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:



1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:



2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?



3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."


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The__Q
03-12-2003, 12:40 PM
The Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.


Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.


The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.


"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


"Sure will," said the old-timer.


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"


"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.


"You bet it will," said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.


"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much

The__Q
03-13-2003, 08:26 AM
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams that have arrived in Iraq?

They're all men!


How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things.


For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor ... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?


I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.


Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.


A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.


So ... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?


My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And if he tried to lie to her, she'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad.


He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.


Inspectors! You want the job done? Call someone's mother!

The__Q
03-13-2003, 01:54 PM
THE GOOD NEWS:
>> Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on terrorism! They
>> have pledged 2 battleships, 6000 troops and 10 fighter jets.
>>


>> THE BAD NEWS.
>> With the current exchange rate, that comes out to 2 canoes, a Mountie

>> and a couple of flying squirrels.
>>

Jackjrct
03-18-2003, 12:22 PM
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands."


The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

The__Q
04-02-2003, 12:58 AM
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.


However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.


When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?"


"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop freaquency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.


"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.


I was rather impressed.


Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"


"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom."


"How so?" I asked.


"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."


"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.


"Well," he whispered, lower his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The__Q
04-07-2003, 01:41 AM
Getting It Open

One night a man and his date were about to go into his apartment after a night on the town.


Before he could open his door, his attractive date said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."


"Well, give me some examples," said the guy.


She proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a man shoves his key in the lock and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.


"The second way," she continued, "is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."


Then she said to the guy, "How do you unlock your door?"


"Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock," he said.

Prester_John
04-07-2003, 12:04 PM
Walking around government offices, I recently found this letter in plain sight.


April 1, 2003


The Honorable Norman Y. Mineta
Secretary of Transportation
U.S. Department of Transportation
400 7th Street, S.W.
Washington, D.C. 20590


My Dear Mr. Secretary:


I have a suggestion which I believe would not only serve to prevent airline highjackings but would, at the same time, stimulate the financial recovery of our nation's airline industry and reduce its need for federal subsidies.

Since men of the Islamic faith are forbidden to look upon a naked woman, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslim males would be afraid to board common air carriers for fear of seeing a naked woman while non-Muslim businessmen throughout our nation would resume flying again in the hopes of seeing a naked woman.

Highjackings would no longer be a concern and the airline industry would soon be enjoying robust revenues.

It surprises me that no one in the present dministration has come up with this idea. It seem like I still have to do everything myself.


Respectfully yours,

William Jefferson Clinton

Prester_John
04-08-2003, 12:37 PM
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Amethyst
04-12-2003, 12:02 AM
I'm so glad God has a sense of humor!!!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all---
3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Amen

Amethyst

LEIGH_LANDON
04-12-2003, 05:20 AM
My boyfriend got me a mood ring the other day, I love it!!!

When I am in a good mood it turns a pretty shade of green!

When I am in a bad mood it leaves a really ugly red mark on my boyfriend's forehead!!

The__Q
05-01-2003, 02:22 AM
Women's Ass-Size Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results were pretty interesting:


-- 85% of women think their ass is too big.


-- 10% of women think their ass is too small.


-- The other 5% said they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

crazybob
05-01-2003, 08:03 AM
Little Johnny at the refreshing age of 8, when most children start to realize there are very distinct difference's in boy's and girl's.

One morning he walk's into the bathroom while his father, burly " Biker Bob " was going pee. Johnny looked up to his father and asked " Daddy what do you call that? ". His Father looked down at himself and grinning, holding it proudly in his hand, look's over at Johnny and say's " Son this here is a penis..... as a matter of fact .... this here is a perfect penis" .

Later that day Biker Bob is sitting on the porch enjoying a beer when he hear's a commotion coming from around the side of the house,in the bushes. Sneaking around to investigate, he peer's over the bushes to find Little Johnny and the little girl from next door with they're pant's around there ankle's standing in front of each other. Bob over hear's Johnny telling the little girl " This is a penis ..... and if it was three inches shorter ..... it would be perfect " !!!!!!!!!

The__Q
05-05-2003, 03:22 AM
A young salesman is trying to convince a farmer into buy his pesticide for use on the farm.


The farmer was dubious. "Young man," he said, "I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you in my cornfield buck nekkid, covered with that thar bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come mornin', I'll buy the whole case from you."


The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.


The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly and drawn, but not one bite on him.


The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "you don't have a bit on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"


The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!"

Tigerlilly
05-08-2003, 05:41 AM
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He

gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks..................
"What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.
That will never work. That is much too crass.
Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."


The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

Theresa
05-08-2003, 06:37 AM
This woman is at a Lexus dealership, looking at all these fancy new cars. As she bends over to take a closer look at one of the cars, she lets out a very loud fart. She is very embarrassed and quickly looks around to see if anyone heard.

All of a sudden a salesman comes up to her and asks, "Is there anything I can help you with today?" The woman is still flustered but manages to say, "Yes, I am just wondering the price of this very lovely car." The saleman replies, "I am very sorry to say ma'am, if you farted just looking at it you are going to shit when you hear the price."

Prester_John
05-12-2003, 03:17 PM
Application to Live In New Jersey:

Name: _____________________________

Nickname: __________________________

Address: ___________________________

Exit # (NJ Turnpike): _______

Exit # (Garden State Parkway): _______

1. Ethnic Background:
___Italian ___Sicilian ___Jewish ___Italian ___Italian

2. Profession:
___Mechanic ___Truckdriver ___Meatpacker ___Dockworker
___Hairdresser ___Manicurist ___Avon Sales Lady
___Waitress @ Bennigan's___Exotic Dancer

3. # of Muscle Shirts Owned:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

4. # of Bon Jovi Tour Shirts Owned:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

5. # of Bon Jovi Shirts That are Also Muscle Shirts:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

6. Brand of Jeans Preferred:
___Sergio Valente ___Jordache ___Sassoon ___Z.Cavaricci

7. Percentage of Wardrobe Which is Skintight:
___100% ___95-100% ___90-95% ___85-90%

8. # of Gold Chains Owned:
___10-15 ___15-20 ___20-25 ___25 and above

9. # of Gold Chains Worn at One Time:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

10. Approximate Value of ALL jewelry:
___$5-$10 ___$10-$15 ___$15-$20 ___Stolen

11. Number of Applications of Obsession/Polo/Drakar Before Going Out:
___10-15 ___15-25 ___25 and above

12. Gold Cap on at Least One Tooth?
___Yes ___No

13. Hair Height (must be completed by applicants seeking residency in Edgewater or Bayonne)
___6-8 inches ___8-12 inches ___1-2 feet___More than 2 feet

14. Hair Products Used:
___Hair Spray ___Styling Gel ___Mousse ___Extra Hold Styling Gel ___Bondo ___Spackle ___40 Weight Oil ___Krazy Glue

15. Automobile Owned:
___IROC Z ___Firebird ___Camaro___Mustang___Thunderbird

16. Number of Inches Car is Off the Ground:
___6-8 inches ___4-6 inches ___2-4 inches ___Under 2 inches

17. Car Paraphernalia:
___Gold chain around license plate
___Neon lights around license plate
___Neon lights under car
___Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging on rear view mirror
___Garter hanging from rear view mirror
___Chrome hubcaps
___Stick-on window tinting
___Stick-on paint splash stickers
___Fuzzy dice TATTOO
___Crown deodorizer on dash or in rear window
___Crucifix on dashboard

18. Favorite Music:
___Techno ___Rap ___Bon Jovi ___Bruce Springsteen

19. Favorite Actor/Actress:
___Joe Pesci ___Robert DeNiro ___Al Pacino
___Marisa Tomei___Annette Funicello ___Anna Magnani

20. Favorite Movie:
___The Godfather ___The Godfather Part II
___The Godfather Part III___Goodfellas ___My Cousin Vinnie

21. # of Religious Statutes at Grandparents House:
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___ 20 and above

22. Relatives Named "Sal"
___5-10 ___10-15 ___15-20 ___20 and above

23. Favorite International Destination:
___Belmar
___Seaside Heights
___Point Pleasant
___Bayonne
___Great Adventure
___Secaucus

24. Favorite Driving Technique
___Tailgating
___Attacking stop signs
___Doing 106 mph on the right shoulder of the Parkway
___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (non-related)
___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (own grandparents)!

Bridgette
05-12-2003, 06:36 PM
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue SW
WashingtonDC20591

Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of plane hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

********

Hehe, not meaning to offend anyone, it's just a joke! ;D

Bridgette
05-29-2003, 11:45 PM
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multiline dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

"The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar. The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

hyzenthflay
06-03-2003, 09:14 AM
Here goes. Little Johnny and his friends are all talking about how great their dad's are. One says, "My dad can eat 4 burgers at one time." The other says, "big deal, my dad can eat six." Little Johnny says, "Well, my dad eats lightbulbs." The other boys are amazed and ask how little Johnny knows that. Little Johnny says, "Well, last night I was walking my my parents bedroom, when I heard my dad say. 'Honey, turn out that light, I'm gonna eat that thing.'" Also, I sent this to my boyf in boot camp. A little girl and her mom were at the toy store. The mom says to the girl, "honey, pick out any toy that you want." The little girl says, "I want barbie and G.I. Joe." The mom says, "now, honey, you know barbie doesn't come with GI Joe." "Oh, yes she does mommy, barbie always comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken." One more.....There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole. They all lived under the ground by a farmhouse. One day, the papa mole stuck his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm. I smell sausage." The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole as well and said, "Mmmm. I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to stick his head out as well, but the other two were in the way. He said, "Hmmm, that's funny, all I can smell is molasses." Hope you enjoyed.

hyzenthflay
06-03-2003, 09:24 AM
Oh, I forgot about this one, it is excellent. Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. St Peter was always playing tricks, so when he saw him he knew this was gonna be a lot of fun. He said to Forrest, "now before you can enter you must answer 3 question." You must tell me the days of the week that start with T, tell me how many seconds there are in a year, and God's first name." Well, Forrest went off for some time to think. He finally came back and told St Peter that he had the answers. He asked Forrest the first question, "what are the days of the week that start with T." Forrest said, "Today and tomorrow." "Well, Forrest, said Peter, I can't argue with you there, now tell me how many seconds there are in a year." Forrest said, "12". "Twelve, said Peter, how did you come up with that?" Forrest said, "January 2nd, February 2nd, etc...." "Wow, Forrest, said Peter, I guess you got me again. Now, tell me, what is God's first name?" Forrest said, "Andy." "Andy?, said Peter, how in the world did you come up with that?" Forrest said, "In church, me and momma always used to sing...Andy walked with me, Andy talked with me."

Tigerlilly
06-11-2003, 02:25 AM
Was Jesus black or jewish or italian or irish or a WOMAN???

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who justdidn't
get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
to do.

Amen!!!

sadbuttrue
07-05-2003, 11:31 AM
Did you hear about Pinocchio's girfriend? She sat on his face and made him tell lies all night.

-Sad-

Tigerlilly
07-18-2003, 03:44 AM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children." You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go..."
;D

Juliette_deSade
07-18-2003, 04:25 AM
For all you Spanish speakers:

There was a man who passed by this house every day. The owners of this house had a parakeet that was very vocal.

He would pass and the parrot screeched "Faggot!!"

Other days, the parrot yelled out "Maricon!"

The guy figured that the owner of the parakeet trained him to yell those things as he passed, so he went to a costume store and the next day, he passed the house.

"Faggot!!!!" screeched the damn parrot. He went back to the costume store and got a doctor getup. He passed the house the next day.

"Maricon!" is what the parrot said. He thought for a minute and figured......ya know? I bet he just yells that at all men. So the next day, he dresses up in a long wig with a pretty dress, heels and Lee press-ons. He went by the house.

"No que no!" shouts the parrot

sadbuttrue
07-21-2003, 05:22 AM
Why Men Pee Standing Up

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra
things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the
owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I
was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be
able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do.
Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited
little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he
should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while
standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then
went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.


God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the
other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

Tigerlilly
07-22-2003, 05:02 AM
Little Nancy was in the garden filling up a hole in the dirt, when her
>neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
>youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there,
>Nancy?" My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up,
>"and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an
>awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last
>heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

sadbuttrue
07-31-2003, 12:53 PM
AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted BedThrasher.
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel, so I could ride you all day long
for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther
for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck
itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been
drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet
we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like
pizza?
34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without
me.
35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into
this cheap motel room.

Naomi_Tx
08-01-2003, 10:16 AM
Sinderella


Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

Cinderella just grinned.

"Well, then, how was the prince?" asked the flustered fairy godmother.

"Who cares about some stupid prince! I met someone much better!"

"What was his name?"

Cinderella answered giddily, "Can't remember, exactly ... Peter, Peter, something or other...."

Naomi_Tx
08-01-2003, 10:19 AM
A Blonde At Sea!


A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

Naomi_Tx
08-01-2003, 10:51 AM
The Go-Go Dancer!


Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee
and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

Naomi_Tx
08-01-2003, 11:04 AM
A husband shopping center has just opened where a woman may go to choose a
husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the
men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.

As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor,
but
if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first
floor
the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are
extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the
woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she
heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further
on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345
to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at
HusbandMart and have a nice day.

08-05-2003, 01:33 AM
The Bowling League

Danny works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Danny! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Danny. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Danny if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Danny. "Hi Danny," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Danny's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Danny follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Danny!"


Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'. The second one chirps 'My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says 'your Grace'.' The third Catholic lady says smugly, 'My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'.' The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, 'Well...?' She replies, 'My son is a 6' 2' hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God...'

Let's Cut to the Chase
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Let's cut to the chase, I'll screw anybody, any time, any place, it doesn't matter to me as long as the money is right."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding, Are you a hooker?"
"No," replies the woman, "I'm a lawyer."


Lucky Roll
Two bored dealers are manning an empty craps table for a large Las Vegas Casino at three O'clock in the morning. A very attractive blonde woman comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
After she has placed her bet, she says, "I hope you boys don't mind, but I'm a stripper by trade and I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she yanks off a one piece jump suit to reveal the most gorgeous body either of them has ever seen. Then while they are standing there gawking, with their eyes popping out of their heads, she rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollers .. "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" and begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I donno, I thought YOU were watching!"

Farmer's Crop
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.'' He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.'' So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do. A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!

The Wallet
As the strippers were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "Is the wedding off?" "Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week and he looked so different without his wallet."

Naomi_Tx
08-06-2003, 06:25 PM
A long one but worth it! ROFLMAO


There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.
Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the
newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful
classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the
bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it," and
he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the
bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the
house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I
gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat
dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is
astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty
dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the
stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They
sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he
leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he
decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but
still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips
her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no
one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's
Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again,
total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the
motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly
the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the
damndishes."

Naomi_Tx
09-26-2003, 11:45 PM
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. " The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you; but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay, and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to. The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

doc-catfish
09-27-2003, 03:02 AM
I've heard this joke told both ways, but I think you ladies will find this version more humorous:

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 60 mph. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better in bed than you are." Again the wife stays quiet and just speeds up as her anger increases.

He says, "I want the house and I want the kids too." Again the wife just keeps driving faster and faster. Now she's up to 90 mph.

He says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The wife speeds up to over 100 mph and slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as he says, "Is there anything you want?"

The wife replies, "No, I've got everything I want."

The husband asks, "What's that?"

"The airbag." says the wife.

madgrad
09-27-2003, 09:23 PM
Here's one:

What's the diference between a Man with high morals and an amoral one?

A: A hard on.

sadbuttrue
01-02-2004, 09:14 PM
Is there a Doctor in the house?


This lovely young girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.

"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.

"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Ahh, I see you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" suggests the doctor.

She smiles and replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"

>>>Sad<<<

Kat82
01-03-2004, 04:16 AM
Oh my God you guys are a RIOT
lol..what a way to start the day.. ok im TERRIBLE at telling jokes but here
goes...(ok i borrowed this from my friend hehe)


One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up
to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says,
"Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women&#039;s rights and
storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced &#039;quiche&#039;."





<TABLE id=Table2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=328 border=0>
<TBODY>
<TR>
<TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3><B>10 Things In Golf That Sound
Dirty</B> </TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3>
1. Look at the size of his
putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft&#039;s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell
out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are
so sweaty I can&#039;t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be
desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I&#039;ve got to
wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again. </TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3>


Well theres my contribution. I hope you
all have a greeeaaattt day..




xxxxx


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Kat82
01-03-2004, 04:20 AM
Well um ok that came totally fucked up LOL .. i guess im still trying to get the hang of posting...NOW i know what WYSIWYG in this forum is heheheh

eh you can still see the jokes hehe

xxxx

ccand7
02-18-2004, 06:03 PM
Rules for indoor golf


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

lisalew69
12-04-2004, 04:27 PM
Don't 'ya mean between THANKSGIVING & Christmas

VADEN
12-04-2004, 07:00 PM
Boat Owners


There were these two twins, Joe & John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It just so happened John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistaking Joe for John stated, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel terrible." Joe thinking she was talking about the boat said, "Hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten ole thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and smelled like an old dead fish, she was always loosing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted!!!!!!!

firedawg
12-07-2004, 09:44 AM
Little Jonny's parents got a call from the pricipal of his school. He requested they come in and meet with him regarding some disturbing behavior Jonny exhibited earlier that day. Jonny's parents came to school to meet with the principal and he began to tell them how earlier in the day Jonny had pee'd in the swimming pool. Jonny's father outraged ask's the principal " I'm sorry sir but don't most children pee in the swimming pool " The principal replies " Yes but they don't do it from the diving board " }:D

firedawg
12-07-2004, 09:46 AM
There were these 2 women chatting while strolling down the sidewalk and they walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it!!

Pelirroja
03-16-2005, 09:45 AM
Lets keep this thread alive, its great!

There's 4 nuns who die and go to the gates of heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks the first a question, "Have you ever had ANY sort of contact with a penis?" The nun blushes profusely and in a little voice says, "Yes, I once made eye-contact with one...." St. Peter shakes his head and says "wash your face in the holy water, say 5 hail Marys and you can enter Heaven."

He approaches the next nun, and asks her the same question, to which she replies shame-facedly "Yes, I once touched one" St. Peter again shakes his head, asks her to wash her hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and then she can enter Heaven.

He approaches the next nun, but the one behind her becomes severely agitated and cries "Me first! Me first! Please!!!" St. Peter looks shocked and says to her, "Dear child, you're all getting the same question, be patient!" But the nun insists and insists until St. Peter finally asks why, to which she says "Theres no way I'm gargling in that water after shes washed her ass in it!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy dresses in a cowboy suit enters an ice-cream parlour. He goes up to the counter and says in a gruff voice "I want ice cream!". The lady at the counter says "Sure hun, vanilla or chocolate?" The boy thinks a while and says "Vanilla". The lady then says "Would you like nuts on that?". The boy again thinks a while and then says "Yes". The lady continues "Would you like your nuts crushed?" to which the boy immediately replies "Do you want your tits shot off woman?!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are sat together talking about their daughters. The brunette says, "The other day I was cleaning up my daughter's room, and a came across a packet of cigarettes! Can you imagine? I was so shocked! I NEVER knew my daughter smoked"

The redhead then says "Oh God how awful! When I was cleaning my daughters room I came across a bottle of Vodka! I was terribly shocked! I NEVER knew my daughter drank!"

The blonde then says "Oh thats nothing! When I was cleaning MY daugher's room, I came across a packet of condoms! I was most shocked! I NEVER knew my daughter had a PENIS!"

Enjoy! I'll come up with some more..

sadbuttrue
06-18-2006, 08:05 PM
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

>>>Sad<<<