View Full Version : Our mothers

08-09-2003, 11:34 PM
Since the last thread concerning our upbringings concentrated on our paternal influences, I wanted to start a poll about the roles our mothers had. I chose deceased.

08-10-2003, 04:48 AM
I'm sorry to hear that Juilette.

Your answer's pretty cut and dry though, I can't vote because my mother was loving at times, often abusive when I was younger because of her own emotional issues, and she went through periods when she was aloof. Sorry I couldn't vote.

08-10-2003, 12:10 PM
I choose out of the picture. My mom was heavily into drugs, and couldn't care for me. I was sent to my aunt who raised me. I didn't really get along with my aunt when I was growing up. But I'm happy to say that now I'm friends with my aunt, and I even visited my mom recently. :)

08-10-2003, 12:12 PM
Oh no, it's OK! I think polls like this are a good way to get to know each other on a more personal, emotional level. Naomi, I hadn't even considered that mothers could be all of the above.

Moms are magical things. Self reflection: what we don't have or never could attain is what we crave most. My answer was so cut and dry because one learns to cope with reality. I won't have a mother, but so what? That's what it comes down to-the world doesn't play favorites, which is why I learned to cope with her death. It was one of those situations where she had substance abuse issues and pissed the wrong people off. I never thought I would admit this in a public forum, but the truth was, she was beaten. The guys wanted to give her a "taste of her own medicine", so they caused her to overdose. They left her in a ditch in the middle of February, so she caught pneumonia on top of everything else. In the hospital, she named her assailants to my uncle and they killed him too.

That's what I know about my mother. And I type this straight faced. My grandmother told me these things while I was going through my own substance abuse-she could read it in me because she was wonderful. My grandmother took my mother's place. I never met her so I have no memories. Just stories. And those stories made me come clean. You can't put your family through that shit twice, ya know? It's more than cut and dry-but then again, I'm so used to these stories and I admire her for it.

When she was pregnant with me, she went with my father to a Bruce Springsteen concert. They had 2nd row seats and the Boss was sweating like crazy all over my mom's pregnant belly. That little piece of primal magic made me love Bruce forever, and when Dancing in the Dark comes on the radio, I imagine myself spinning in circles, round and round with her. This is how I choose to remember my mom....a beauty in her prime.....laughing, singing, dancing. She was 22 when she passed. Bless her. I love her. But there is still reality to deal with and I go on.

You can't start a fire.....without a spark.
This guns for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark :)

Juliette de Sade

08-10-2003, 01:17 PM
Juliette, that is so sad and horrific! You might have typed that straight faced but it soured my emotions, that is terrible I'm so sorry. How dare those cruel people be so evil to another human being.

You sound incredibly smart with a good head on your shoulders, dont think others could have worn that kind of trauma successfully -- thats a lot to digest.

My mother was loving and there for me, unfortunately my father has passed away. Life isnt fair at all, but its facinating how these tragedies can supply us such strength. :)

Edited : the Bruce story is so cute, what a wonderful way to think of your mother!

08-10-2003, 01:58 PM
Naomi, you can check more than one box. I did.

Juliette, your mom sounds beautiful, and you sound very strong.

<edited out - ya ever think your mom might be reading sw? yikes>


08-10-2003, 02:08 PM
My mother bless her and all she has done to raise her children. She lost her only son to a school bus that ran him over. He was in 1st grade. My older sister, died due to needing a heart transplant, and did not make it in time. Johns Hopkins turned her down due to scar tissue suffocating her heart.
My father drank himself pretty much to death she said after my brother was run over, so she is a surviviour!!!

I have 1 sister left, 1 year older than me, and my mother does all she can for the both of us.

She calls us and jokes with us, sends silly e-mails, and knows about my life. ALL of it.

She is my best friend, and best parent i can ever think of wanting. Does not judge others, and has a huge zest for life.

She just loves everyone! I love her! Very much!

Juliette..Rock on hun!!!
Lena, lotsa luv to ya!


08-10-2003, 02:47 PM
Well, by cut and dry, I meant that you knew for sure what box to select; but damn, after reading that I think 'cut and dry' doesn't even come close. I'm sorry Juliette, I should've found a more sensitive way to put that.

My father has a serious drug problem as well; I've been mentally preparing for his death since I was in high school. Some people don't realize that someone who abuses drugs and is involved in illegal activity can also be a loving parent who's the most important person in the world to some child out there.

As far as my vote, I still can't decide. I grew up in a very melodramatic household; lots of peaks and valleys. I want to vote on your pole though, so I'm gonna choose loving, because nobody's perfect and I understand that emotional problems can cause someone to push away the one's they love.

08-10-2003, 03:25 PM
My mom is a nice person. I have never told her about working in this industry. I think she has found out. Most likely, quite a while ago.

She doesn't approve of a lot of my lifestyle choices, but she doesn't have any control. She chooses to basically ignore anything that has to do with my social life or the entertainment industry.

So, when I visit, our relationship to me is superficial and a lot of the stuff we talk about happened in the past. It really bugs me that she is so damned correct about things like matching linens, and well, I can go on.

She is a Latin combination of Martha Stewart and the late Jackie O.



08-11-2003, 09:14 AM
Latin women are like that, Corey. I'm sure i don't have to tell you.

The first time I ever "did it", my grandmother called it. She said she could "just tell" and cried. She said WHY didn't you save yourself for marriage! Every good man you could want for a husband will think you are ruined! And she didn't speak to me all day. That night, she asked if I was sore and made me tea. That was her peace offering.
Did your mom do this to you too?

Juliette de Sade

08-11-2003, 10:11 AM
Thank you Juliet for sharing your pure truth,I feel priveledged to know a piece of your heart.

I chose aloof and unavailable in the poll,if you'd asked me a few years ago i would have said 'abused' but through regressive memory and a whole lot of time(!) i realised the abuse wasn't perpotrated directly by my mom.It wasn't her fault she felt unable to be there,in presence and emotionally.I strongly believed my maternal grandmother dying when my mom was 5years old had a paramount impact on her ability to develop a more positive nurturing role.

My fear is that i can be just like her as a mom,cold and unresponsive and wanting to detach so much i get resentful.I am afraid i dont love my daughter enough because if i did i wouldn't treat her the way i did sometimes.

I might have started crying but i also know that i feel good sharing this and that is thanks to you juliet x


08-11-2003, 05:23 PM
My mother was always loving and supportive, although she hates what I do at night. This is a very good thread, Pamela stay strong, just like your mother, you are a survivor too, and Julliette, God Bless Ya!

08-11-2003, 11:44 PM
Juliette, you have my condolences. I feel honored to know you and your strength.


08-12-2003, 01:38 AM
Thanks to all of you-it really means a lot to me that my colleagues can FEEL things this beautiful to such a degree. Thoughts and memories are so very powerful. Thanks for remembering and responding.

Juliette de Sade

08-12-2003, 01:44 AM
juliette, that is so terrible. i really do feel for you. stay strong & remember the good memories.
i chose "aloof & unavailable", which in my mind is a nicer way to say that she neglected me.

08-12-2003, 07:11 AM
i chose deceased. my mother died when i was seventeen. it was very hard for me, but at the same time i know she is finally out of pain. when she was 16 her mom died...when she was 22 she got into a very bad car accident that shattered her legs and her arm. she recovered but always had pain, so she drank. i think her mother dying had a help with the drinking as well. and because of that drinking we went through some awful times. juliette, i want to thank you for sharing as well. sometimes it makes it easier knowing that other people out there may have gone through the same things. i never got to say goodbye to my mom....so i also have a way of picturing her. theres a song by an artist called union jack...water drums. in it you can hear a woman singing and a horse walking through a river......that song makes me think of my mom refreshed and free of all of the bad things that happened to her....and her spirit is finally free and happy.....
thanks for making this topic juliette.

08-12-2003, 02:09 PM
Well my mother likes to take out her life failures on her children *the whole you ruined my life crap.* and give them the occasional ass wooping... which is why i live 1800 miles away from her

08-12-2003, 06:28 PM
(Latin women are like that, Corey. I'm sure i don't have to tell you.)

My mother went in and out of trying to be "Latin." She is really light skinned and never spoke Spanish,(her first language), with my siblings and I. I just learned about five years ago with a private tutor!

(That night, she asked if I was sore and made me tea. That was her peace offering.
Did your mom do this to you too? )

HELL NO ??? There was no way she would discuss my sex life with me. Actually, when I was 15, I had my first long-term boyfriend. I never did do the complete nasty with him, but pretty much everything else. He took a nude photo of me. When I broke up w/ him, one of the times I broke up with him, he sent the photo to my Dad in a Father's Day card. My Mom intercepted it and to this day she doesn't believe that we weren't having intercourse!! I waited until I was almost 20!!! A lot of people are Moms before that age.

Did I mention I picked aloof and unresponsive :-/

Juliette, you are a really strong person. Hang in there,girl.



08-13-2003, 01:17 PM
My mom was and still is very loving. Probably trying to makeup for my dickhead dad.

08-13-2003, 01:44 PM
Well my mother likes to take out her life failures on her children *the whole you ruined my life crap.* and give them the occasional ass wooping... which is why i live 1800 miles away from her

Shan, I've been there before. My mother just wasn't born with those maternal instincts. It's taken almost my whole life to accept that and no longer hold it against her.

08-15-2003, 05:55 AM
My mom had me young, so she wasnt perfect, but she loved us. She was an alcoholic so she was a little obliviouse to things like the fact that our stapdad was phsycho, but she really was a good mom for the MOST part. However later in her life, the drinking got outa control and made her unbearable, lucky for me I was already grown. Its sad though, cause I think the drinking helped contirute to her passing at 43 yrs old last year. Phnemonia shouldnt kill someone who is right in the middle of their life, I could see if she was old but she wasnt.

08-18-2003, 08:21 AM
I've noticed that I have always had a deep interst in luminous mothers. I'm not Catholic, but I have all of these Mexican Mary (Guadalupe) candles. I burn them and collect them. Also have a little figurine.

I've also noticed that Greek and Latin words that pertain to strength are feminine i.e Thelema which means will. Am entire religion is based on that concept of free will

Do what thou wilt shall be the word of the law. (Thelema) We all have a greater individual purpose to fulfill, with or without our mothers. We study our past so that we can be strenghtnened by it. And we realize that our hearts belong to ourselves and we loan it to the ones we love


Juliette de Sade

08-18-2003, 06:06 PM
I've noticed that I have always had a deep interst in luminous mothers. I'm not Catholic, but I have all of these Mexican Mary (Guadalupe) candles. I burn them and collect them. Also have a little figurine.

I burn Saint Jude candles all the time. He's the patron saint of desperation and lost causes, and it's believed by many catholics that he's also the patron saint for those who may be living in sin because they're stuck in the situation. **Saint Jude is NOT Judas who betrayed Jesus after the last supper.

One of the greatest mothers in the bible is Naomi. After her two sons died she told her daughters-in-law to go back home so that they could marry again; but Ruth loved her so much that she wouldn't leave her.

Saint Margaret of Cortona is the patron saint for those who have lost their mother, reformed prostitutes, sexual temptation, single women, and tramps. If you're interested in luminous mothers, than you might want to read up on her life cause it's really inspiring. She was beautiful and used it to get by, she even had a "sugar daddy," she got really depressed after he died, she was homeless w/ a child and got tired of men basically hitting on her so she tried to mutilate her face, but a priest or monk stopped her from doing so.

I don't really know how to post links; but I'll try with these.


**Another patron saint for those who lost their mother was Saint Colette

08-19-2003, 07:47 AM
Miss Naomi_TX

You sure do your homework! Thanks for the links. I bookmarked the pages. I REALLY appreciated it. Very intense, very deep. I reccomend them to all who are reading this thread.

Thanx again, Naomi_TX :-*
Juliette de Sade

08-19-2003, 06:04 PM
No problem Juliette, :) I knew about Saint Colette being the Patron Saint for those who've lost their mother <I'm Catholic>; but when I went to find you a link for her I read about Saint Margaret and I was amazed! As usual I got caught up in the research ::) and like an hour later I was like oh yeah, wasn't I suppose to post for Juliette!

I can understand those who think that no human being should be labeled a Saint; but the truth is that most of those people lived amazing and inspiring lives and I like learning about them.

I'm glad that you like that kind of stuff too, and I'm more than happy to do some research for my fellow stripperwebers. Sounds lame, I know, but my idea of a good time is learning something new...I need to get out more. ::)

08-27-2003, 12:05 PM
my mother was loving but very strict to me also,,,,,,,

09-04-2003, 07:56 PM
My mom was always loving until recently when my parents got divorced and she remarried. I use to look at her like she was my best friend. Her new husband has turned her against all of her family because he wants all of her time and money for him. She kicked me out because of shit that he put in her head. Before she would never had kicked me out. Now I only talk to her once a month, if even that.

09-14-2003, 12:39 AM
My mother has since been deceased (late Feb 1999) due to various cancers. My relationship with her wasn't all sunshine and roses... she had alot of issues she was dealing with (unknown to me at the time only after her death did my father reveal to me she was going thru counselling).

Supposedly her parents had been very abusive towards her. She did use the wooden spoon on us (my bro and myself) and smack us when we were young. Luckily we never got grounded or "the belt" .. and she never totally hurt us to the point of bleeding.

Tho' she had a good tendancy to use guilt trips on myself and my bro... and I resented her for it. This made my relationship difficult with her. She wasn't openly affectionate (neither was my father).... the way she showed her loving side is by giving my bro and myself massages and "cracking our neck" if we had a headache (etc).

She had her moments. Granted, it is that time when she went thru counselling and with me as a teenager (and my bro too)... didn't help. I wasn't a horrible teen or anything... just took on some her personality traits (as you do if you live with someone long enough) hence we clashed alot.

It got very bad at one point and that memory will always be with me. I hated her (yes.. hate not just disliked alot) for a couple of my teen years... so I know what it is like to hate someone and will never ever go down that path again.

Hate destroys you.. it eats you out. I kept my diary I kept during that time to remind me of that lesson. You can feel the energy contained within that diary without even reading some of the not so nice things I had to say about my mother.

As you can tell I have alot of issues with my mother. Unfortunately, they weren't all worked out before she died and so it is harder for me to "move on" with them.

Granted, near the end of her life.. the last year or so.. my relationship with her improved because of how she had cancer (various types)... I think it made her re-think a few things and hence made her more accepting. I don't hate her anymore ... just have unresolved issues with her.

My father has re-married and for the most part I love my step-mum.... she and I agree on a few things and I like that. Granted, I can't tell her about my stripping as she has a few misconceptions about it.

I don't exactly have the best relationship with my parents (my father and step-mum) because of my work. I'm especially a little more distant with my father because not only can't he accept my work ... he can't accept my spiritual choice (I made back in 1997).

Unfortunately, this restricts me to what I can actually talk about with him. He's not going to change... I just live with that.

Whilst I like my step-mum... I don't really know her. She got involved in my life (marry-ing my father) when I was "all grown up" and out of home already....

09-14-2003, 06:32 PM
This board has brought alot of emotions in me. My mom died last year of breast cancer. I was 21 when she died. I had my mother until the age of nine. Then I was molested by stepdad and was given up to social services. My mom never believed me and choose to be with my stepdad. She would float in and out my life. The longest stretch of time I did not see my mother is 5 years. I gave up on her when I was sixteen and gave up on the thought of ever having a mother. I was told two months before that she was dieing. I choose not to see her or say good bye. I drove by her funeral but could not go in. I remember seeing my mother on the streets and her calling me and just walking away from her. The best memory I remember of my mom is when she bought gold fish and a red dress for my birthday.

09-21-2003, 10:23 AM
wow brendalee,

it seems through your suffering and injustice, you have the strength and the will to survive that you mother never posessed. In a twisted way, your life breaks the cycle of repeated misfortune.

I have much respect for you. You have shown a lot of respect for yourself in your choices to keep looking forward. It's probably what has helped you carry on.

My advice for you when the seas of emotion get rough pertaining to your mother is to just pray for her.


09-21-2003, 11:15 AM
I would select aloof and unavailable...
i really felt like an orphan most of my life considering she was to consumed by what she was doing to pay attention to me... I was left in the care of an abusive alcoholic stepfather... my own father was a raging drug addict who I just found out is dying and wants to resurrect our "relationship"... My mother was very critical, demeaning and pretentious my whole life I had never felt anything towards her, not love or respect....until recently....
Hate, anger,and resentment are emotions that MUST be dealt with...it shows maturity not only spirituality but mentality to be able to forgive people...My mother and I finally after all these years were able to stop this vicious cycle and forgive each other ...my life is much better for letting go of all that weight I carried around for so long...
Generations of the women in my family have had abusive relationship with their daughters, which is why she is the way she is, maybe it will stop with me.... ;)

09-21-2003, 11:25 AM
Oh! Juliette...I forgot to say to you....
What you wrote is beautiful and moving...and you a strong person to look on a experience like yours in such a positive light....one of my closest friends just died from a heroin overdose, what you wrote made me think of her.....
...Hang on to the good stuff....

10-19-2003, 02:30 PM
Now I am crying.
All of your stories were so touching.
I chose loving.If it wasn't for my I would of ened up in a very bad place.

10-20-2003, 06:11 AM
i chose aloof and unavailable and abusive... because she is a drug addict/alcoholic.. and was never there while i was growing up... and she was verbally emotionally and physically abusive...
but i guess that's the breaks...


10-20-2003, 03:23 PM
My mom is great...I don't know where I would be without her. I remember when I first moved out on my own. I rented an apartment that was about 5 minutes away from her. Sometimes I would have bouts of insomnia because something would be bothering me, and I would show up at her place at 6am waking her up to go on a Talk and Walk with me.

Now, she's there whenever I need her...she's the best grandma!! She wasn't very emotionally available to me when I was younger, but that was the past...I am just happy that she is here for me now.

She doesn't judge me for doing anything I do. It's nice, you know, to know that I can do anything and not be scared to have my mom find out. I don't believe in secrets and I hate feeling like I have something to hide. With me, I've always been the what you see is what you get kind of person.

I think that most of us have come from a dysfunctional home, hell, 99.9999999% of the world's population come from dysfunctional families. The biggest problem, though, I think, is that people never learn how to live in the NOW. They are always living in the past or the future and forget how wonderful it is to live in the now. I definitely have to say that is a lesson I am learning daily with my daughter...being 14 months old, she is always looking for ways to enjoy herself now. Not in an hour or after dinner. It's refreshing, although sometimes I want to kick myself because I feel like I deprive her so much while I am running around "trying to get everything done". I've never been one to sit in one place for long...so it's hard. I wonder what my daughter will say about me when she's my age...

10-21-2003, 05:56 AM
I went with loving. She really is loving and I'm very lucky to have such a great mommy! My father passed when I was nine due to cancer and she has taken care of me, the grand's, and a new husband and his 2 children and now their children as well. She's tough but such a sweetie! There's a lot to be said for a good ol' southern woman who knows how to take care of her family.

Juliette, I am so sad to hear your story. I wish I could sympathize but I can't even imagine how that must make you feel. Thank goodness for your humanity and general fabulousness and most of all your strength!

10-21-2003, 02:46 PM
My mother was loving. We are good friends now. She knows I dance and I can talk openly with her about it. I think my mother is one of the nicest persons I have ever met, with a huge heart. I like to think I get that from her.

My father was a different story.

Some of your stories truly brought a tear to my eye and reminded me how lucky I am. You are all loved (I'm really trying not to sound like the "Bleeding Hearts" post).

10-22-2003, 01:37 PM
I chose "deceased", but honestly, my grandmother had a huge hand in raising me and she was very loving so I almost wanted to check that instead. My dad was a jerk who took off when he found out my mom was pg, so he was "out of the picture".

10-23-2003, 04:44 PM
I chose abusive and unavailable. I think that mothers are a reflection on how we view ourselves and since my mom wasn't there for me...EVER... it made me into a strong and open minded person. I was able to draw so much wisdom from people of all walks of life so that I could finally figure out who I am. It also taught me to never judge anyone.