View Full Version : Bad relationships

07-27-2003, 02:34 AM
" For example, abused children tend to have abusive partners later in life, and sexually abused children often equate sex with love. "

Why do you think this is? How many of you have had similar or related experiences?

07-27-2003, 07:57 AM
People that were abused as children do tend to abuse their own kids. Children of alcholics do tend to grow up and be alcholics themselves. These are not urban myths, these are proven facts. However, the key phrase there is "tend to". There is a definite relationship there, but it doesn't control your life and these bad relationships and habits don't destine you to one as well. The key is to recognize the tendancy and deal with it, either on your own or through counseling. I once knew a girl that grew up in a home where both of her parents were alcholics. She decided early in life to avoid drinking completely, even "social drinking". She wasn't judgemental about it, and she didn't go around campaigning to have all bars shut down. She just recognized that the potential for abuse was higher for her than with most people and so she decided to avoid the situation all together.

07-27-2003, 08:23 AM
Every member of my family is a chain smoker. Both grandpas died of lung cancer and one grandma so far. I detested cigarette smoke my whole life, banned it in my house and car and never tried it once in HS like other kids.

I'm at a pack a day now. WTF!

07-27-2003, 09:23 AM
Naomi its the job. You guys have a lot of stress to deal with. Slammed one minute and then the next wondering where your next dance will be coming from.

Most of the dancers I know smoke (cigarettes not weed LOL) at least at work. Smoking is not good but neither is spending $1000 on a trip to the club LOL

07-27-2003, 09:25 AM
Damn Im sorry I didnt notice I was posting to Ladies Only. I apologize. :-[

07-27-2003, 09:40 AM
Damn Im sorry I didnt notice I was posting to Ladies Only. I apologize. :-[

That's okay, Roy I don't mind. Yeah I do smoke more during a rough night at the club.

07-27-2003, 12:12 PM
I didn't mean to start anything, but...

I think there are a few reasons. For one thing, if we make an early association that love goes with violence, or love goes with sex, or love goes with intellectual conversation, or whatever, we will be more likely to associate those things with love as adults. That sounds all theoretical and dry. I guess the only way to explain it is to tell you that a few years ago I found myself in a good relationship with a good person that I cared for a lot. But the fire just wasn't there after the first few months. I found myself fighting with them and provoking them, and then one day I heard myself think "if they really cared about me, they would hit me." My logic was that if they didn't get angry enough to hit me, they couldn't really care about me. Since then I've talked to several freinds who've had similar experiences.

Another thing is that we learn in our childhoods what is normal and comfortable for us. Intimacy is a learned thing - your first few relationships are about learning how to have relationships, and to a certain extent after that relationships are about repeating things that worked for you in the first relationships. So if, as a child, your primary relationships were with people who were very controlling, and that was normal and comfortable to you, then you will feel comfortable in relationships with controlling people, and may feel uncomfortable in relationships with people who aren't controlling, until you can understand that and learn how to be in relationships that aren't controlling.


07-27-2003, 01:29 PM
And does anyone remember the young kid who would not seem to get attention from his/her parents. So to get attention kids learn to do something that is not allowed by their parents. That usually meant discipline. But this attention was better than none at all.

Some people i know seem to still do this as adults to co-workers, loved ones and even good friendships, when they feel left out.

Early conditioning is the key to our behaviour i believe. Could be wrong, but seems to be so, for some people. And i will always believe people "can" change alot of things about themselves if they really want too.


07-27-2003, 07:54 PM
I have to say that a lot of the relationships that I've been in have been very similiar to:
1. my parents' relationship
2. my relationship with my parents
3. the way my dad treated other people (i.e. a lot of my boyfriends resembled my dad in one way or another)

07-30-2003, 09:20 PM
And does anyone remember the young kid who would not seem to get attention from his/her parents. So to get attention kids learn to do something that is not allowed by their parents. That usually meant discipline. But this attention was better than none at all.

Pamela, One of my girlfriends (yup a dancer) Her son is like that. I will babysit him from time to time, and he is such a good boy, but when they are together he is a demon child. She leaves him with sitters more often than not. Its so sad.

Devastating Divyne
07-31-2003, 06:56 AM
The pattern I have noticed is if you parents do something then you either do the same, are the except opposite or somewhere in between but usually on the lower end of the spectrum of whatever it is. They will remain on the lower end of this spectrum but if something traumatic or bad happens in their life will gradually adopt the bad behavior of their parent or family. IE: someone in your family has a coke habit, you will typically avoid it b/c of apriori experience with it. However, you may eventually try it, and following a traumatic or especially bad experience develop a full-fledged habit.

My mom smokes and it'll probably kill her as it has other family members. I hate it and have never wanted to and never will. Alcoholism runs in my family on both sides so I drink a little but have always felt more aware of my drinking habits than everyone else b/c I know that this tendency is in my family. Like I could recite off the top of my head the last five times I drank anything containing alcohol and the circumstances surrounding them.

I'm aware of myself and how my family history may play into my life so I am cautious about what I do and try which may be why I have only smoked weed like once almost 6 years ago and have never tried any other drug or pill. Self-awareness is the key. And if that doesn't work professional help is always an option.

07-31-2003, 09:22 AM
My father drank himself to death my mother told me after my brother was run over by a school bus. I do not drink. My sister drinks like a fish, can't find her sober...EVER. Difference.

I don't smoke, my sister loves it. I just can't breath around smoke. Lucky me, i am forced not to smoke.

Also volunteer at a hospital and you get a real wake up call. Younger people may seem to think they have time on their side. But a habit forms (for some) while thinking that way and going down the "road". Before you know it you hear, "i tried to stop and now i can't". Yes you can....We all can.

It's a lifestyle change. Tough i am sure, i have seen it. And many who come to the hospital strung out on Oxycontin, because it's just like herion to their bodies, but cheaper and easier to get. I feel for people with addictions. Damn, at one time i thought i was really addicted to sex. Now i know i am not.

08-08-2003, 09:21 AM
Some more insight...We lose access to the feelings that would serve as indicators of where our wounds are. This is why we reenact them. Reenactment is constantly creating life situations that recreate painful emotional dynamics related to the trauma. The wounds are out of our consciousness. For example, we may remember the dentist, the office, the sound of the drill...but may forget the pain exactly of the drill. Somewhere inside of us we hurt but we do not know just where. A particular behavior from another person presses on an old wound, TRIGGERING a response that is CLEARLY AN OVERREACTION. This is perhaps the site of the old wound.So the problem is that instead of seeing our overreaction for what it is , we project our unfelt pain onto the situation or person triggering it and create so many more problems on top of the orignal ones that we get lost or highly distracted by them....
"Love and violence, sexuality and aggression can become fused together in the mind of the vicyim of trauma" (Van der kolk 1987)
We choose the very situation that we may consciously wish to aviod because , unconciously it is deeply familair.HMmmmmm