Log in

View Full Version : Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here



Pages : 1 [2] 3 4

electric_head
11-29-2003, 02:48 AM
He Said... She Said...


He said... "Want a quickie?"
She said..."As opposed to what?"

He said... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it."
She said..."You wear briefs, don't you?"

He said... "Do you love me just because my father left me a
fortune?"
She said..."Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you
the money."

She said..."I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee-start
packing!"
He said... "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
She said..."Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time
I get there"

He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you something that is."

She said..."What do you mean by coming home half drunk?"
He said... "It's not my fault...I ran out of money."

He said... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way."
She said..."Well, you succeeded."

He said... "If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then
we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned
the house, we could fire the maid as well."
She said..."Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we
would do without the gardener too"

Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband."
She said..."Who's gonna look?"

He said... "You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have
you ever been mistaken for a man?"
She said..."No, have you?"

He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?"
She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

He said... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said..."I would, but you're never there."

He said... "Shall we try changing positions tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Chuck149
12-01-2003, 10:55 PM
Debra or Jack?
An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go..
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.".

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

sadbuttrue
12-02-2003, 11:11 AM
What's the difference between a stripper and a toilet?

A toilet can only entertain one asshole at a time.

fishnet
12-03-2003, 05:28 AM
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge
and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have
three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to
trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and
it looks like you're a goner anyway."

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."

POOF

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has
ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters
of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it
a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.

electric_head
12-04-2003, 11:08 PM
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP



1. It's important to have a woman who doesn't mind cooking from time to time, cleans up the house and has a good job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

big_daddy
12-05-2003, 09:55 AM
2 guys walk into a bar...........the third guy ducks.

fishnet
12-07-2003, 04:21 PM
Q: What do you call 16 testicles and three pubic hairs?

A: A Michael Jackson sleepover.

fishnet
12-07-2003, 04:23 PM
Sorry ladies. Some husbands wish this were true. LOL.

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his
home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked,
"When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went
hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

Happy_Camper
12-07-2003, 04:32 PM
As long as we are throwing in the groaners...

A termite walks into a saloon and asks. "Hey, is the bar tender here?"

Malibu
12-08-2003, 05:56 AM
What do you call a blind fawn? - No idea

What do you call a frozen blind fawn? - Still no idea!

(Damn, I couldn't drop these cack jokes since school!)

P.S I don't get the termite joke...?

lestat1
12-08-2003, 06:49 AM
P.S I don't get the termite joke...?
Not bartender one word, "bar tender" two words.
Termites eat wood.
Bars are often made of wood.
The termite wants to know if the bar is tender there, as in nice 'n tasty. You know how picky termites can be... :P

Malibu
12-08-2003, 07:48 AM
OH NO! That joke is DREADFUL!! No wonder it's classified as a groaner.

I'm sorry for having you waste your time to explain such cackness ;).

Anyway, I have another crap joke (fasten your seat belts):

What do you call a fish with no eyes? - Fsh

(I'll never give it up :))

Happy_Camper
12-08-2003, 09:25 AM
OH NO! That joke is DREADFUL!! No wonder it's classified as a groaner.



Thank you, I am here all week. No drink minimum.

Two peanuts were walking down the street,
one was a salted. (not quite the same in written form)

lestat1
12-08-2003, 11:24 AM
Malibu & Happy Camper, keep 'em coming! I love punnery and bad jokes ;D

Malibu
12-09-2003, 03:51 AM
I can't believe it - my first appreciative listener.

OK, I have another...

A piece of string walks into a bar.

Bartender: We do not serve pieces of string here! Tell me, are you a piece of string?
String: No, I'm a frayed knot.

fishnet
12-09-2003, 04:18 PM
Confucius say: Man who walk though airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok.

fishnet
12-10-2003, 04:50 PM
Q: Why did God create lesbians?

A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

Chuck149
12-13-2003, 09:44 AM
A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

fishnet
12-13-2003, 11:08 AM
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did
I get here?

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this
family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy
around here."

fishnet
12-13-2003, 11:09 AM
Confucius say: Man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with
solution in hand.

mr_punk
12-16-2003, 01:47 PM
No Dear by Miltee

No Dear.. I would never go to a place like that, besides, those pasties on the nipples look so stupid.

No Dear.. I went in, but just to play pool.

No Dear... I dont like that place , sure they have topless dancers, but I feel silly going in there.

No Dear.. Sure I went in to the club, but just to have a look.

No Dear.. A fully nude club? I dont think so.

No Dear.. Sure I checked it out but I went with friends, it was harmless.

No Dear... When I do go alone I rarely talk to anyone.

No Dear... I talk to a few girls in there, but never about anything serious.

No Dear... A Table dance is the last thing on my mind.

No Dear... I just tried one, believe me it wasnt worth the money.

No Dear.. Those lap dances are so stupid.

No Dear... It was just a twenty dollar bill and all she did was dance in front of me.

No Dear.. She did not blow in my ear or try to arouse me..

No Dear.. Boobs in my face are out of the question.

No Dear... Sure the boobs are in my face, but my hands are always at my side.

No Dear...I just barely touched her thighs and legs.

No Dear... Touching a girls breast means nothing during a lap. It's below the belt that matters.


No Dear.. It was just playful stroking.

No Dear.. I dont let anyone grab that.

No Dear.. It was only on the outside.

No Dear..Hey so she pulled down my zipper. What does that mean?

No Dear. Its just a hand job. No one is ever putting her mouth on me.

No dear.. I dont think I need to bring a condom.

No Dear... I didnt litter.

http://www.zbone.com/hts/zbb.mv?showmessage+general+1063938991

Happy_Camper
12-19-2003, 02:40 PM
This does have sound (which helps...)

http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm

fishnet
12-19-2003, 10:19 PM
An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get
rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make,
as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent
work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used
the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take
an aspirin and the executive approached her and said,

"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or
Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

electric_head
12-20-2003, 06:42 AM
THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK



1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you".

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing".

3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "Do I look like a people person?"

7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"

8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You

choose"

10. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood 30 years."

11. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

14. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

15. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

16. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

17. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

18. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

19. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

20. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."

21. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

22. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

23. "Earth is full. Go home."

24. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

25. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

26. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

27. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

28. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking

airport"

fishnet
12-20-2003, 11:22 AM
Okay, okay....This morning I felt the wrath of the moderator for accidently posting a joke that was already up. :-[ He said I'm getting old. ::) True...but I'll blame it on the double brandies. lol. He said to post some new ones. These aren't new. Without rereading all the jokes I'd be willing to bet they haven't been posted. If they have, refer to the getting old remarks. LOL. These are for women with an attitude about men. Should be good for all kinds of karma over on SW. LOL.

For Women With an Attitude About Men

Men are like....Placemats
They only show up when there is food on the table.

Men are like ....Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Linoleum
Lay it right the first time and you can walk on it forever.

Men are like.... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.... Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like....Curling irons.
They are always hot and always in your hair.

Men are like.... Mini skirts.
If you are not careful, they'll creep up your leg.

Men are like....Bananas.
The older they get the less firm they are.

fishnet
12-20-2003, 11:31 AM
30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

fishnet
12-20-2003, 11:33 AM
Why are men thinkers and women talkers?


Because men have two heads and women have four lips. :D

fishnet
12-20-2003, 11:41 AM
A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like
your husband to be present at the birth?"

She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend.
I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a
healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black."

The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a
porno movie where the lead man was black."

The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."

The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."

The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."

The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."

Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it,
and it cries out.

The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little
bastard was gonna bark."

electric_head
12-21-2003, 12:03 PM
Seems like there were three guys applying for a job—the boss askes them what they did before—

The first guy said he was from Pennsylvania and worked the mines and was a coke sacker

The boss said what hell is that-----I put the coal dust in the bags to take out of the mines



The second guy said he was from South Carolina and he worked in the garment biz and was a sock stuffer-

Whats that the boss said—oh I took the socks and put them into sacks to be sized he said



The third guy said he was from Calif and was a cork soaker—again the boss was puzzled----

The guy said he worked at winery and soaked the corks so they would go into bottles easier





The boss turned to the last guy and asked what he did--------the sweet little thing just lisped WELL I'M FROM San Francisco but these other bruts have me so confused I’m not sure what I was---------

fishnet
12-22-2003, 05:54 PM
Q: Why is your dick better than a credit card?

1. Once spent recharges itself.
2. It is accepted worldwide.
3. You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

fishnet
12-23-2003, 07:03 PM
The format didn't come out the way I wanted. You'll figure it out. LOL.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM FAULT ACTION
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark. Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear. It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted. The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song. Beer is just right. Play air guitar.

fishnet
12-24-2003, 02:32 PM
This one is a real groaner!!! It's not even dirty but it is Christmas Eve. ;)

If a reindeer's loses his tail, where does he go to get it reattached?


A retail store. LOL.

electric_head
12-24-2003, 08:02 PM
Vincent Van Gogh's Family Reunion!



After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:


His obnoxious brother.................. Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ..............................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia...............U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois..................................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle.................................Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin.....................................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach .......Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle...................................Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking........Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew.........................Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van.....Winnie Bay Gogh

fishnet
12-25-2003, 10:24 PM
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

electric_head
12-26-2003, 06:10 AM
A father watched his daughter playing in the
garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and
innocent his little girl was. Just precious!
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the
ground. He went over to her and noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she
asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she
asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the
little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are
Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not
having any of that shit in our garden.

doc-catfish
12-27-2003, 05:12 PM
A little SCJ billboard humor. Are you financially solvent?

fishnet
12-30-2003, 11:05 AM
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious
techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is
beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?"

"She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she
works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you
squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all,
she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow
her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with
her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa!
Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"

doc-catfish
12-30-2003, 04:13 PM
Some really awful puns.

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual. .. "

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "! I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls**t before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50. that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

17. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms."

18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

21. A three-legged dog walks into the Longbranch Saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

22. A duck walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

Happy_Camper
12-30-2003, 05:01 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who know binary numbers and those who dont.

Brel
12-30-2003, 07:24 PM
Hope these haven't gone around yet! ;)

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick
or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too!)

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

fishnet
12-30-2003, 10:45 PM
LMAO!!! Good ones Brel. First time I've seen those. :D

fishnet
12-31-2003, 05:16 PM
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,"
said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,"
said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

The youngest daughter replies, "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground."

fishnet
12-31-2003, 06:28 PM
Q: What is the closest thing for a man to a woman's period?

A: His salary. It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and
if it doesn't come, he's fucked!

sadbuttrue
01-02-2004, 09:21 PM
Is there a Doctor in the house?


This lovely young girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.

"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.

"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Ahh, I see you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" suggests the doctor.

She smiles and replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"

>>>Sad<<<

Brel
01-06-2004, 02:00 PM
Good to be a Man


Sometimes we forget how good it is to be a man....

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don&#039;t give a rat&#039;s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don&#039;t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it&#039;s in a bottle.
15. People never glance at your chest when you&#039;re talking to them.
16. New shoes don&#039;t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger&#039;s seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don&#039;t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 20 minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

TEN THINGS MEN KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT WOMEN.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.

electric_head
01-07-2004, 05:10 PM
http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/Group_X_video.html

fishnet
01-07-2004, 10:36 PM
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We&#039;re on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I&#039;m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I&#039;m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I&#039;m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She&#039;s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady&#039;s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear.
He&#039;s gotta take a shit first."

fishnet
01-10-2004, 10:20 AM
A women works in a sperm bank. One day after collecting a
sample, an armed gunman walks into the sperm bank. The gunman
points his gun at the sample and orders her to drink it. The
woman weighing her options decides she had better comply with
the request or she would be killed. She drinks the sample. The
gunman removes his mask revealing himself to be her husband.
He says, "See, it&#039;s not that bad."

fishnet
01-10-2004, 06:21 PM
Q: What do you get if you get 10 blondes to stand on their heads?

A: 10 brunettes.

fishnet
01-10-2004, 07:27 PM
Confucius say... man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.