View Full Version : Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here
fishnet
01-10-2004, 07:28 PM
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her
husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
doc-catfish
01-14-2004, 08:19 AM
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Chuck149
01-14-2004, 03:01 PM
Five reasons not to be a penis
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
and my personal favorite....
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
fishnet
01-15-2004, 09:51 PM
Q: What do you call a women that wants sex as much as you do?
A: A dream
fishnet
01-15-2004, 09:56 PM
This is true but the mainstream media takes it sooooo seriously it is a joke. ::)
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass. Ahhhhnold!!! The Gov.
You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.
fishnet
01-15-2004, 10:12 PM
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of are hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time and when, finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet. She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "Now, there's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
No FBR open for her!!!! LOL.
fishnet
01-15-2004, 11:06 PM
One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using
the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.
When time was over she called on a student named Johnny. He
said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the
bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't
multiply."
fishnet
01-15-2004, 11:08 PM
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top
hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room
where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!" said the Queen. "That's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship,
this man has a very serious condition where the testicles
rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a
day, they would explode and he would most likely die
instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was
giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God!" said the Queen. "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
fishnet
01-20-2004, 04:58 AM
An old one making thr rounds again. LOL.
Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Because you can't put that much shit in a shoe.
fishnet
01-20-2004, 04:59 AM
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
fishnet
01-20-2004, 08:39 PM
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I would like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"Well, no, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, I suppose it isn't really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Chuck149
01-21-2004, 03:18 PM
;D
Chuck149
01-25-2004, 02:58 PM
15. Arkansas: It's Trailer-rific!!!
14. South Carolina: Oh, yeah - like *we're* going to be concerned about
an NAACP tourism boycott
13. Florida: Half a Million Cubans Can't Be Wrong
12. Illinois: Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass!
11. Wisconsin: Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' badgers.
10. Kentucky: Come for the Bluegrass - Stay for the Incest!
9. Rhode Island: Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It
8. Iowa: Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk
7. South Dakota: Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!
6. Alabama: Like the third world, only closer.
5. Michigan: It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold.
4. Arizona: Hey you kids, get off of my state!
3. Virginia: Contrary to our name, some of our women are actually pretty
slutty!
2. Massachusetts: Now with 30% fewer Kennedys!
1. Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country
fishnet
01-25-2004, 03:06 PM
LOL...I like #2! If only we were rid of all of them. ::) Ted should have been jailed a loooong time ago!!! :P
big_daddy
01-29-2004, 03:27 PM
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" sheasked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon but we're not having any of that shit in Texas
A man enters the confessional at Church, and begins, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
:laughing:
JimLovesJazz
01-30-2004, 04:32 PM
THE MOST POWERFUL WORD:
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English
language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit
for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get
off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit,
find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and
die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit
your life away.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell
the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and
sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken
shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck
when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve
shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter
than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like
shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right
shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you
don't want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other
times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling
like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the
basic building block of creation. And remember, once
you know you’re shit, you don't need to know anything
else!
Chuck149
01-30-2004, 04:49 PM
A woman has had serious headaches for several years
and has tried everything. She had been to several
doctors and nothing has worked. One day she was
having lunch with a friend who referred her to a
hypnotist who, according to her friend "works
wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells
her husband, "remember those headaches I have been
having all of these years? Well, they are gone. No
more headaches."
The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a
hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a
mirror, stare at myself and repeat, "I
do not have a headache." "I DO NOT have a
headache." " I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it
or
not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been
exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last
several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but
agrees to try it. Following his appointment with
the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes and then carried his wife the bedroom and
rips off her clothes, throws her on the bed and
says, "Don't move. I'll be right
back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few
minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes
passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right
back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a
few minutes later for
round two with his wife even better than the first
time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is
really great!"
Her husband again says, "Don't move. I'll be right
back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and through the open
crack in the door sees him standing at the mirror
and saying, "She's
not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.
She's NOT my wife!"
fishnet
01-30-2004, 06:41 PM
LMAO JLJ. That reminds me of the one about Jack Shit. :D
Chuck! Man.... that should have been posted in the "how to" articles. LOL. :D
fishnet
01-31-2004, 07:17 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name
is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the
truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never
spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues
down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens
again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out
of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her
window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Joe,
it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
President Bush is shot and killed unexpectedly by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his Dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell....The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!". "Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from here!" Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch
of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all-but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar.. drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
Chuck149
02-05-2004, 03:39 PM
Sean and Pat fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money;
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Pat said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Sean said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Pat replied "Don't worry -- just follow me..."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness, And two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Sean said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!"
Pat replied, with a smile "Don't worry -- I have a plan.
Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Pat said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk -- all
for free. At the tenth pub Sean said "Pat - I don't think I can do any more
o'this. I'm stone drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Patrick said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you will wake up with stinky fingers
lol
Click here for "The Man Song" ...
Chuck149
02-06-2004, 03:21 PM
Click here for "The Man Song" ...
http://www.semmel.us/mansong.html
Yep, that song fits 98% of us Junkies LMAO
Chuck149
02-06-2004, 05:00 PM
This Joke is dedicated to Witt & EH LMAO
********************************************
Hello. Is this the FBI?
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy."
fishnet
02-06-2004, 06:34 PM
LOL...best laugh I've had all day!!! Thanks Chuck!!!
Happy_Camper
02-11-2004, 03:55 PM
http://www.totallytom.com/MadCow.html
fishnet
02-13-2004, 07:02 PM
Confucius say: "Man should not get off until woman get on."
Chuck149
02-16-2004, 04:14 PM
Hmmmmm a buddy once told me it looked like a clam... but Homer Simpson... I'm shocked :o
big_daddy
02-20-2004, 05:46 PM
A conversation between a dad and his youngest son.
Youngest son: Tell me, Daddy, what is the difference between potentially and reality? Dad: I will show you
Dad turns to his wife: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars? Wife: Yes, of course! I would never waste such an opportunity! The Dad turns to his daughter: Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars? Daughter: Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy!
Dad turns to his eldest son: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars? Eldest son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate! So Dad turns back to his younger son saying: You see, son, "Potentially"we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "reality" we are living with 2 whores and a Homo.
big_daddy
02-20-2004, 05:52 PM
mmmmmmmmmmmmm burger.
Titties
02-20-2004, 06:54 PM
For you mathematicians out there:
fishnet
02-22-2004, 12:30 PM
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many
many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things
been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any
more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d
m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k..
s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about
how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o
t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks
the first friend.
" W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o
s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s.!!!"
fishnet
02-22-2004, 12:41 PM
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
fishnet
02-28-2004, 03:02 PM
Okay if you are really bored and can't hit the club this weekend, this is a fun game. I had one monster shot of 527 and several in the 490s. Of course I whiffed a few too. LOL.
http://www.skehin.com/misc/pinguin.swf
afxturnip
02-28-2004, 03:11 PM
Okay if you are really bored and can't hit the club this weekend, this is a fun game. I had one monster shot of 527 and several in the 490s. Of course I whiffed a few too. LOL.
http://www.skehin.com/misc/pinguin.swf
Fish,
You're a bit behind the pink site and those of us in chat. I think we got bored of it, but in the following discussion, you'll see a link to a souped up version of the game.
http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/index.php/stripperweb/off-topic/chat/t6134.html
Yeah, it's pretty addictive, especially when competing with others for the best score.
Later on.
-afx
fishnet
02-28-2004, 03:13 PM
LOL...
Well here's another one...
http://www.miniclip.com/bushshootout.htm
For those whl like M16s ;)
fishnet
03-03-2004, 07:41 PM
Things NOT to say to a naked woman...
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines
go away. Huh?
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You're not 'that' fat.
Wow, you like it the same way your sister does.
Happy_Camper
03-04-2004, 11:33 AM
Okay if you are really bored and can't hit the club this weekend, this is a fun game. I had one monster shot of 527 and several in the 490s. Of course I whiffed a few too. LOL.
http://www.skehin.com/misc/pinguin.swf
Fish,
You're a bit behind the pink site and those of us in chat. I think we got bored of it, but in the following discussion, you'll see a link to a souped up version of the game.
http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/index.php/stripperweb/off-topic/chat/t6134.html
Yeah, it's pretty addictive, especially when competing with others for the best score.
Later on.
-afx
But have you tried this demented one?
http://www.yonkis.com/mediaflash/yeti_gore.htm
fishnet
03-21-2004, 08:50 PM
An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night
having a beer.
The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to
drink from the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass
to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that
we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice, either."
The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots
the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches his glass.
He says, "In the United States we have so many Mexicans and
Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
fishnet
03-21-2004, 08:54 PM
Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Chickens don't have tits.
fishnet
03-22-2004, 07:16 PM
Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they
don't fall asleep afterwards.
fishnet
03-26-2004, 09:20 PM
The following are all replies that British women have put on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's
details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure
to check number 11, It takes the prize.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A
was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of
the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on
the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men
that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that
the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track
down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one
of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service
stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate
and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country. Please
advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all
squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a
Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up
with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that
I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs
earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more
TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine
might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which
one made you fart.
fishnet
03-27-2004, 10:53 AM
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died,
Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took
his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but
in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became
his stepmother.
Chuck149
03-28-2004, 05:28 PM
The Internal Revenue Service sends an
auditor to a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks
and then turns to the Rabbi and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the
candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We actually save them up and when we
have enough, we send them back to the
candle maker and every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat
disappointed that his unusual question
actually had a practical answer.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo
purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we
actually collect up all the crumbs from
the matzo and when we have enough, we
send them in a box back to the manufacturer
and every now and then, they send a box
of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard
how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you
do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered
the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins,
and when we have enough we actually send them
to the Internal Revenue Service"
"Internal Revenue?!," questioned the auditor
in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal
Revenue...and about once a year, they send us
a little dick like you."
Malibu
03-31-2004, 12:38 PM
I like it Chuck! ;)
A state trooper was driving along in the country when he noticed a small black coupe swerving all over the lonely back road. He put on his flashers and pulled the car over. Hopping out of his cruiser, he then approached
the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The blonde replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."
sadbuttrue
04-04-2004, 09:17 AM
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally
one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play
begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally
take time to admire the entire course with special attention to
well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course
being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage
players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
played for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to
be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment
with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.
fishnet
04-10-2004, 09:00 AM
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It
was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with
plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front
of the church fills first".
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And
you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I suppose the rock 'n roll gospel
choir you brought in was another good idea. We are packed in
to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased
that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have
nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but the flashing
neon sign, 'Toot n' Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the
church roof!"