View Full Version : Low-End Club Rules

10-18-2005, 07:38 AM
Okay, some of us go to places that might possibly be described as low-end. They can be a lot of fun if you know the rules. Feel free to add and comment.

* If you accidentally bump into the end Harley in the parking lot, don't wait around to see the domino effect.
* Just because the door guy waved the wand on everybody doesn't mean he found all the weapons.
* Ask your waitress to recommend a pretty girl she's never seen blow anyone. At least you'll get the one she's seen least.
* Don't comment about the decor.
* Know something about NASCAR, at least who drives the #8 Bud Light car.
* Always ask a dancer if she has any STDs before she puts it in her mouth. Like she would know.
* Don't let a regular hustle you in pool. They know how to play the beer and cum stains; you don't.
* Understand tattoos. If a dancer says it's "tribal," don't ask what tribe.
* If your dancer likes C&W music, don't tell her you like Shania Twain or some other crossover ho.
* If you ever owned a pickup truck or bike, imagine you still have it.
* If the barback/manager dumped a heap of ice in the one working toilet, you're SOL.

10-18-2005, 01:40 PM
*Its safe to not talk about Jeff Gordon or Dail Ernharts. There's always a 50% chance you'll cause a problem
*If there is a big screen TV on chairs with cartoons on, understand mom is working.
*The Ninja at the bar really doesn't want to buy you a drink
*However, buying a round of drinks the first time in the club is your "get out of jail free" card.
*If you get handed a dollar on entrance to tip with, leave.
*Tip/Dance Tokens aren't used in the high end clubs.
*If you have a hairy back, where a wife-beater, helps to burp a lot, and not shower.
*If you want to piss everyone else off, wear a button down shirt.
*Waitresses just aren't dancing that night.

10-18-2005, 02:13 PM
*Its safe to not talk about Jeff Gordon or Dail Ernharts. There's always a 50% chance you'll cause a problem

OMG! I can't believe you're hating like that- and especially since you know me so well and stuff. It's Dale Earnhardt (Jr.) there, sweetheart, and don't you forget it! I can't believe one of my bestest buddies doesn't even know how to spell my favorite racecar driver's name. UGH! What kind of friend are you?!?!?! ;D

*We now return you to the regularly scheduled thread. Carry on!*

10-18-2005, 02:19 PM
Deni, as you can plainly tell, would work in a LOW END CLUB, and thusly furthers the proof of my point. :D

10-18-2005, 02:22 PM
Deni, as you can plainly tell, would work in a LOW END CLUB, and thusly furthers the proof of my point.

I'd make a killing of those crazy NASCAR fans, though. Just stick a red #8 on my ass, and I'd have their attention! :P

10-18-2005, 03:04 PM
Mast and Deni, you're REAL good at this.

* The Mon-Thu afternoon beer pitcher special is $3.25, but a soda or juice pitcher is $4.50.
* Saying "Junior's not his daddy" will prolly start a fight.
* At least one dancer does a whole set of C&W songs while wearing a cowgirl hat.
* The club has at least one of the following dancer/waitress combos: mother/daughter, aunt/niece, sisters, or half-sisters.
* Dancer/waitress is what you are, although some belong to the Waitress Reserve Corp and only get called up for the Superbowl and Chase races.
* The restroom air dryer is broke and the toilet paper is out. Tip: Bring Bounty folded up in your jeans pockets.
* There's one 220-pound dancer and you'll never know why because you don't wanna ask.

10-18-2005, 03:56 PM
* You here "thats my baby's momma" more than twice in an evening with more than one girl.
* You feel like everyone is looking at you cause you tip more than a dollar.
* The bathroom has diaper change rack
* Fake video cameras are everywhere
* Patrons walk in and say"Whoa thats a nice rizzide" and somehow you KNOW they're talking about you.
* The bar rag is the same rag the girls use to clean the pole in between dancers.
* There is a 5 foot limit between you and the alcohol rack
* Taxidermy.
* Scope, wetnaps but no condom dispensers in the bathroom.
* A glossy coat on the toilets

10-18-2005, 04:49 PM
* Taxidermy.
And iconography:
* Painted ceramic bust of Elvis.
* Neon beer sign lighting on the walls.
* Autographed pictures of people you never heard of.
* Suspended model of the #8 Bud Light car for a pool table lamp.

* Your favorite dancer has seen Lonestar live and slept with one of their road crew. Or Alabama or Black Hawk, whatever. It's always one of the roadies. Same kind of guys that are in the club.
* No house mom. Just an older dancer the younger girls call mommy.
* Nobody in the club shaved today. Half the guys didn't shave yesterday, either.

* The overflow (night) parking behind the building is dirt.
* The sign on the cash register says "No knives allowed" and someone has inked in "or guns." Just so no one misunderstands.

10-19-2005, 09:16 AM
* If you give your favorite dancer a KMart "gold" necklace with a cross, she'll wear it until her neck turns green.
* At least one of the dancers has a Possession of [biker's name] tat on her butt.
* Two more have XBF names on their boobs.

* Trucks and bikes always outnumber cars in the parking lot.
* Even before the club opens.

* Somewhere there's a low-end club next to a junkyard, and both are protected by a dog who lives in an old Willys pickup truck. I know it in my heart, but I want pictures.

10-19-2005, 10:07 AM
- The potholes in the parking lot resemble small meteor craters.
- "Save A Horse, Ride a Cowboy" gets played every two hours.
- People would rather pee in the woods out back because its cleaner than the john.
- Your sexual orientation gets questioned by the waitress for ordering an O'Douls.
- There are more pool tables than stages.
- The club's alpha fucko is the one with the biggest Harley. He pays for his dances in methamphetamine.
- Its helpful to know which tables the Hell's Angels and the Outlaws sit at so you don't pick a table in between them.
- At least one dancer in the place has a stage name named after a car or motorcycle part.
- People with collared shirts look out of place.
- You can chat up a greasy looking biker custy and find out he's actually a bank vice president on vacation.
- The owners know both the county sheriff and the fire marshall on a first name basis.
- There is only one stage, but they'll let customers lie on it with a dollar in their mouths.
- The "bar" is actually a couple of coolers.
- The doorman, bouncer, bartender and DJ are all the same person. He's also a tattoo artist between songs.
- Doorman checks more stringently for biker colors than he does for weapons.
- It's best to be the hell out of there by 11:00.
- A doberman pinscher with a metal studded collar named Thrasher doubles as a bouncer. It helps to get him on your good side by bringing him a T-Bone.
- Carrying more than $100 dollars on you is risking death in the parking lot.
- Directions to the place include "four miles after the road turns to gravel" and "turn right at the cow pasture".
- A dancer's stage set can run 45 minutes until other dancers show up.

10-19-2005, 12:02 PM
SO apparently all low end clubs play country and western music. Noted.

* The last guy who resembled you is still on the club floor.
* The handicap parking sign has "Ha ha" spraypainted on it
* MeganS is working <JUST KIDDING>
* One of the dancers has a defined mustache and matching carpet.
* Soap dispensers in the private rooms.
* If you're MW, you are WAYYYY out of place.
* Dancer asks you to get that pesky pimple thats been bothering her all night.
* Dancer MOANS when you pop it. Cause You're an IDIOT and you DID IT.
* If you ask to put the game on, you lose a finger.
* The bartender is this finest piece of ass in the joint and her name is Jim.
* No padding on any of the chairs.
* Patrons ask YOU how much YOU'LL do a dance for
* You hear "She got all dem teef"
* The pole is strickly decoration
* Ping Pong Ball Trick
* Snoo-Snoo is used as code for the HOLY GRAIL
* You'd actually pass on the Holy Grail

10-19-2005, 04:27 PM
The club's alpha fucko is the one with the biggest Harley. He pays for his dances in methamphetamine.

* You'd actually pass on the Holy Grail
Damn, you guys have been more than once. :D

10-19-2005, 05:42 PM
*If the soles of your shoes make the proper sticky, sucking sound as you walk across the floor give the manager a thumbs up for the excellent atmosphere

*Accept the fact that when you roll into the parking lot and your Harley has a motor newer than a Panhead and is all chromed out, it will probably be gone when you come out. Bubba (he's not really the lot attendent...just the owners cousin with nothing better to do) gets pissed at posers and likes to fuck with their bikes.

*When the drunk guy with three teeth sitting next to you offers to buy you a beer, accept it graciously and buy him one in return. He has three teeth for a reason and since he's still alive, has probably won his share of fights.

*Karyoki is popular in many circles. If your dancer stops grinding you just before you are ready to bust one and runs up to sing "Red Neck Woman", pat her on the ass when she gets back and tell her she sounded BETTER than Gretchen Wilson.


10-19-2005, 09:22 PM
* On any given Saturday night, the number of outstanding arrest warrants exceeds the occupany limit of the club...
* and the Fugitive Task Force won't go there.

* Most everyone is related, even if they don't know it.
* Smart local girls become CNAs to steal hillbilly heroin (OxyContin) from Medicare cancer patients. Dumb local girls dance to buy it from the nursing assistants.

* There's no costume lady bringing her creations around each week. The manager just sells the locker contents of disappeared dancers.
* Half the girls dance barefoot on stage, but there's too much broken glass in the lapdance area.

* Smart dancers learn how to smile so their missing teeth don't show...
* but customers take pride in their gaps.
* Smart dancers know how to pass off KMart thigh-highs as Victoria's Secret...
* but dumb dancers in Walmart wifebeaters make more money.

* On any given night, 10% of the vehicles in the parking lot don't make it home. On rainy Saturday nights, it's more like 20%.

10-19-2005, 09:33 PM
* Have you seen these children at walmart work there.

10-20-2005, 03:01 PM
* Someone has seen a Hurricane Katrina debit card used here.
* Earl's friend's sister dances here (whacko sitcom, BTW).

* Big Daddy's 800hp Ford truck will get stuck in the mud here...
* and dig a monster hole trying to get out.

* Djoser disappeared from here.
* The only cute young dancer here lives a half mile down the road...
* and she's saving up to buy a used car to get out of town.

* No one checks your ID, because they're all fake.
* Jesus and Elvis have both been spotted here on Saturday night.

10-20-2005, 04:09 PM
- It's not uncommon to see a mother dancing with her twin daughters. Their grandmother owns the joint.
- Possum burgers and grits are on the short order menu.
- Arm wrestling matches between dancers and customers are common. Half the time, the dancers win.
- The VIP lounge is the sleeper of a Peterbilt.
- Extras are so commonplace that nobody calls them extras.
- Dancers risk splinters by doing floorwork on the stage. Most do it anyway.
- Dancers have enough tattoos on their arms to make Tommy Lee jealous.
- Customers try to impress dancers by crushing beer cans against their skulls.
- When a patron pukes from too much drinking, they lay down some sawdust and carry on.
- Tire swing dances are offered out back.
- The club has burned to the ground at least twice in its history.
- The building doubles as a country church since it can't open as a strip club on Sunday. Stoopered patrons from Saturday night fill the collection plate.
- Last call is announced with a gunshot.
- Half the dancers have had Kid Rock autograph their asses.
- The club closes the weeks of the Daytona and Sturgis Bike Rallies because everybody is gone.
- Club merchandising doesn't include t-shirts but does include motorcycle patches, brass knuckles, and semi-truck mudflaps.
- Unsuspecting patrons find their vehicle's fuel tank to be victims of "Arkansas Credit Cards".
- Cover charges are nonexistent. In fact, if you can prove your name is Billy Bob, you have fewer than six teeth, or are sporting a Confederate Flag on your truck, you get a free beer.

10-20-2005, 04:24 PM
- When a patron pukes from too much drinking, they lay down some sawdust and carry on.
I was waiting for someone to say the magic word: sawdust. But I'm calling syntax on you, doc. The correct wording is

"When a patron pukes too much from drinking, they lay down some sawdust and carry on."

You're not gonna waste bouncer time and sawdust on a little puke. It's good for smoothing out the sticky.

And I overlooked the puke stains on the pool table. My bad. :P

- The VIP lounge is the sleeper of a Peterbilt.
And a dancer's real world job is working the "party row" at the interstate truck stop. CB radios rule.

10-20-2005, 04:51 PM
- It's not uncommon to see a mother dancing with her twin daughters. Their grandmother owns the joint.

Reminds me of the 90s alt-punk-rock group Scatterbrain, who had a song called "Grandma's House of Babes" (about a young boy who was raised by his grandma, who ran a strip club in the Louisiana bayou).

10-21-2005, 06:57 AM
That is not mousse in her hair; it don't comb out either.
Place smells like a bean digestion factory.
Anything you drop on the floor, just let it lie there.
Never wear loafers; the tobacco juice will ruin your socks.
The biggest biker gets the most girls stay out of his way.
Don't kiss anyone.
Bring your own antibacterial soap in case you get unlucky.