View Full Version : BF's weight makes me mad
Cally
07-05-2006, 02:29 PM
Sorry things didnt work out :(
You tried.. but if it was ment to be things would have worked out. I believe you will find the right guy eventually.
kandie_kitten
07-05-2006, 05:05 PM
Good job hon. It seems like this guy wanted you to move the world for him...and he wasn't wiling to budge an inch.
As for this obesity battle...I understand where the OP is coming from. It's one thing to make a solid effort and not lose weight..at least there's an effort at taking care of onself. But th eguy int he OP's situation wasn't making any effort at all...despite demanding that she keep a very high standard. That's a lack of respect and concern.
Honey, you did the right thing. Find someone who has respect for himself as well as you.
fancygirl
07-05-2006, 05:23 PM
I know you might feel bad about the back rent issue, but honestly-- I would say that's rent paid for you having to put up with nasty butt, skin lesions, smoke, an icky bod and a really bad attitude. I might try to pay him like one payment just to give him back something, but with the understanding that you can't do more than that, and really, after all his shit, you wouldn't really want to.
You're probably going to regret for a long time staying with him long after you should have left. Make sure you don't also regret not paying him, which means put it into focus now-- you had to pay to take care of yourself and he enjoyed that without the balance of giving back to you a similarly clean and nice body to enjoy as well.
Mastridonicus
07-05-2006, 06:37 PM
Mastridonicus, it was so much like your situation with your ex.
I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. But I have always said that you'll leave when it hurts too much to stay. You know you're always welcome to talk. God, it hurts to think anyone else bore such a burdon.
I don't deny that the breakup hurt, but it had to be cut off like a gangrenous limb. I was staying with him in hopes that things would get better, and because I felt obligated to him after all he'd done for me (helped me move back to TX, supported me while I was unemployed, let me cry on his shoulder, helped me grow up, etc). I do feel especially bad that there is no way that I'd be able to repay him for all the backrent for a couple years, but it's something that I can't do.
Sigh.
No breakups never do, especially when you are trying to move on. It's hard remembering why you left, but easy to see. Just remember, you're not his defense attorney. It's his job to show you he's still worth your time. My advice to you is to just stop worrying about it. Don't regret anything. Learn from it. Know that you deserve better. I changed my entire life, and to this day I still fall. Just find some people to talk to.
Figure out what you want. Life is about you now. Stop putting others first and start putting yourself first...then you'll have time to give those what they deserve.
Don't focus on revenge or how you're going to pay what. Just forget all your debts, and walk away. If he needs them that bad, he'll come to you. If he's a dick about it, well, you'll only know you made the right decision. When the time comes, you'll decide if he's worth paying you back. The "Equivalent Exchange" mentality doesn't always work when you still want the best for someone, and obviously there is gray areas, but as you walk farther away and are more capable of looking back objectivly, you'll see it for what it was, and then you can put it to rest and move on.
In my case I couldn't do it without the members here who know who they are who where there for me every day and I'll never be able to thank them enough.
Mast.
Good luck. Whatever you do, you have my support.
Gynger
07-05-2006, 06:46 PM
I missed this post the first time, and I Have read it all...
A new beginning for you.. you will find someone who will appreciate you and want to look nice for you... I do understand why you chose to stick it out, however, you can't change anyone (as many people stated here)...
Take some time for you... have some fun! Go out! Date a few men, enjoy life.... play the field and basque in some attention that you deserve...
Take care! :)
G.
big_daddyII
07-05-2006, 07:02 PM
You know what's FUCKED UP???????????? I was thinking of this post for some reason today. I don't know why but I was and it was at the end of my 2nd break at work. My 2nd break gets over at 1:15pm. Is that crazy or what??????????????????????????
Anyway, sorry it did not work out. Not all of us BIG guys are the way he was. I hope you find what your looking for and I hope you leaving him wakes him up.
Krazyjane
07-05-2006, 08:03 PM
Thanks guys. Honestly, the relationship was so dead that I haven't even cried over it. It was nothing but a comfortable, predictable rut. Yep, I loved him, but love isn't enough. If love was enough, then battered women would stay with their abusive husbands, codependency wouldn't be a problem, and people like Mastridonicus's ex wouldn't create rifts. Love is really nice, but there are more crucial elements to relationships like trust, communication, compatibility, equality, etc. Our lives became totally different, and I'm miles ahead of him.
The hardest part for me wasn't actually the breakup, but having someone with the answers. My ex was the one who taught me the ropes of being an adult, like how to maintain my car, how to register for stuff, etc. I got over that hump by thinking about all my friends and family who I have who could help me with the same things, plus the fact that SW is a well of knowledge ((HUG)).
Yes, I admit that it was kind of a paternal relationship, especially since he saw paying the bills as free reign to slack in other fields. I swear, the only reason a bum like him got a hot babe like me was b/c I sought him out and I have a weakness for nerdy, intelligent guys. The problem with nerds is that they can lack social skills or other characteristics that limit them from being hot men. There are two extreme ends of a continuum for guys: Fun and Safe. Fun guys are a blast, but tend to stray, suck at relationships, and don't like commitment. Safe guys are boring and predictable but would never cheat on you and are deadly loyal. While Safe guys sound like the better deal, it's really annoying when this loyalty becomes martyrdom (eg they don't have any female friends b/c they see it as cheating and don't want you to talk to other men either), they're boring and don't mind things falling into routine, and the reason they're loyal is b/c nobody else wants them.
The good news is that he most likely won't try to ask for the $$$ back b/c when we were still dating, he forgave the debt b/c he didn't like how depressed I was out of feeling obligated. I'm still going to pay him like $100 back for birth control (1 year's worth of Nuvaring) b/c it's just wrong for a guy to pay for something that's gonna enable me to fuck other guys.
Mastridonicus, thanks for the advice, but I'm not as shattered over it as you were. Like I said, it had been dead for awhile. I also learned how to put myself first a long time ago, not in a selfish sense, but in a self-preserving sense. In the Bible, there's a humorous parable about how if you see a wood chip in someone else's eye but have a plank stuck in your own eye, remove the plank from your own eye before you try to get the wood chip out of another person's eye. Translation: Take care of your own problems before you try to focus on other things. I especially learned this from my mom. My mother has a history of severe mental illness, and rather than go to counseling and improve herself, she tried to cover up the problem by constantly getting pregnant and blaming her problems on any opportunity, namely me. I've learned that you gotta put yourself first or you're just going to fuck everything up.
I swear, breakups are like constipated shits. It feels really good when it's over, but goddamn it hurts for awhile and makes you think twice about everything just in case it creates the same pain.
The incident that catalyzed everything and put everything into perspective occurred when a friend tried to seduce me while I was shitfaced drunk (he didn't do anything bad, relax). He started kissing and caressing me, and I didn't say to stop because IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING. A few kisses from him made me hotter than my bf had made me in bed. I had to change my panties because I soaked them through. I hadn't felt that good in YEARS. Before that, I was having sexual troubles. I thought I was frigid, and went back to my shrink b/c I though that it was due to trauma from stripping. The problem wasn't me, it was my ex. I hadn't felt sexually attracted him him in forever, and my resentment for his total apathy made me frigid. I was soooo relieved to discover that my plumbing still worked, but realized that the relationship had to end.
I love you guys! Can you please send some hugs and kisses my way?
Mastridonicus
07-05-2006, 08:09 PM
Hahaha
Miss Jane,
When I speak to the devastation/shatterness, I speak to the fact that I spent a year figuring it out, and I'm, allegedly, a pretty smart guy. I fell out of love for her years ago. What destroyed me, and I got the most help with, was I was actually willing to save a dying relationship because I cared too much what everyone else thought of.
Kudos on the new boytoy tho. Take him to the cleaners sexually. You deserve it.
Mast.
Mastridonicus
07-05-2006, 08:10 PM
I swear, breakups are like constipated shits. It feels really good when it's over, but goddamn it hurts for awhile and makes you think twice about everything just in case it creates the same pain.
Wow.... can I order that in a Small shirt please?
Krazyjane
07-05-2006, 08:18 PM
Hahaha
Miss Jane,
When I speak to the devastation/shatterness, I speak to the fact that I spent a year figuring it out, and I'm, allegedly, a pretty smart guy. I fell out of love for her years ago. What destroyed me, and I got the most help with, was I was actually willing to save a dying relationship because I cared too much what everyone else thought of.
Kudos on the new boytoy tho. Take him to the cleaners sexually. You deserve it.
Mast.
Yeah, a 2 1/2 year relationship wasn't something to throw away lightly, especially for a chronic second-guesser and sucker for honeymoon periods after fights. It also hurt b/c our social circles converged and b/c everyone said that we were going to get married. I hate the awkward silence and questions that follow the news of a breakup.
Yeah, I had my moment of clarity just like yours. It hurt like hell to realize that there was no hope left, but everything started to make sense. Honestly, there's just a point when relationships are over. You can try to talk about things, try to make amends, make cheap promises to change, but the relationship is dead, especially when interest wanes. Anything past that point is like putting a crystal chandelier in a delapidated house and calling it renovation.
Mastridonicus
07-05-2006, 08:19 PM
Yeah, a 2 1/2 year relationship wasn't something to throw away lightly, especially for a chronic second-guesser and sucker for honeymoon periods after fights. It also hurt b/c our social circles converged and b/c everyone said that we were going to get married. I hate the awkward silence and questions that follow the news of a breakup.
Yeah, I had my moment of clarity just like yours. It hurt like hell to realize that there was no hope left, but everything started to make sense. Honestly, there's just a point when relationships are over. You can try to talk about things, try to make amends, make cheap promises to change, but the relationship is dead, especially when interest wanes. Anything past that point is like putting a crystal chandelier in a delapidated house and calling it renovation.
"You-Cant-Polish-A-Turd" Technology.
Krazyjane
07-05-2006, 08:24 PM
Again: I didn't dump him because he was fat, it was for the reasons why he was fat. He ate like shit, didn't exercise, and didn't want to lose weight even though fucking him was awkward and unfulfilling. He wouldn't do jack about personal maintainence beyond basic hygiene. He had severe body acne, but wouldn't use the prescription products from his dermatologist. He kept a slobby appearance even when I dressed up.
Mastridonicus
07-05-2006, 08:33 PM
Oh please do not take offense, that's just what I called my situation. sorry it wasn't so evident. I'm just glad my drama is finally over. Now to move far away from here.
madmaxine
07-24-2006, 12:00 AM
Ugh. Pay off the $900 in installments & never speak to him again.
aviendha
07-24-2006, 12:42 AM
I'd start a payment plan and try to pay that jerk off as fast as possible. For one, you'll feel better about the fact that you don't owe him money anymore. And secondly, he won't have any room to pull that shit anymore. Offering to let you "work it off" by sleeping with him? What a fucking asshole! I doubt he's "trying to get you to hate him," more like he's trying to get you to fuck him and wasn't expecting that reaction. He can take that $900 and buy a clue. And a bar of soap.
Krazyjane
07-24-2006, 01:57 AM
Well, we agreed that we're not going to talk for 2 weeks. I'm going to make sure that it's in a public place where he won't be able to pull one of those "I couldn't control my passion" bullshit moments. I'm definately going to give him $100 for the birth control, but I'm honestly tempted to tell him to take a hike and learn from his mistakes. Yeah, I was a shitty investment, but people aren't like banks. I did what I had to do to survive, and I've sworn never to be indebted to anyone like that again. I'm sorry that I became an adult thanks to his therapy and paternalism (yuck, never again), but I outgrew him.
If I do decide to pay him off, there is one last hope. My grandmother has an account with $5000 for school and cost of living-related stuff for while I'm in school, which I can tap anytime. I'm tempted to take some of that share, as technically it does count as cost-of-living since I'd be pulling from my meager paychecks to be paying him off. Scholarships and finaid cover my tuition, it's just living costs, gas prices, and the existing debts to my aunt (I borrowed $1000 from her to pay some of the backrent, he forgave the rest and pulled an Indian-giver in the form of the $900 I owe him) that are killing my paychecks. I'm debating whether to. On one hand, the money is legally mine to do with as I please, on the other hand, it feels dirty. Hmm, I'll prolly talk to my grandma about it and see how she feels about it. If I do end up doing that, I'll prolly tell him that I prostituted myself out for the money, jsut to be a guilt-tripping bitch. He knows that obligation towards debts, especially monetary, are my weakness, and I feel bitchy enough to give him a lesson on "be careful what you wish for." Stupid bourgeoise shithead. Ah well, I already prostituted myself to him so I'd have a place to stay because I had a hard time getting on my feet when I moved back to Houston. I wasn't ready to move back, but he insisted on helping me out. Growing up and getting on my feet took longer than I expected. I don't blame him for getting frustrated, but that was really fucking low of him to use it to exert control over me.
Oh yeah, I live in Houston, so don't even suggest stripping.
Uh... the posts in this thread are really out of order.
Krazyjane
07-24-2006, 02:32 AM
He's still trying to get me back, making all sorts of empty promises... the same ones he made a million times. He wants to be friends, but I can tell all too easily that this has ulterior motives b/c he's poking and prodding and trying to convince me for a millionth chance. I told him flat out that there was no chance of us getting back together. Oh, he wants $900 back. I dunno how I'm gonna do that.
Gynger
07-24-2006, 02:38 AM
So was the $900 money he gave to you, or did he loan it to you? Did he benefit from the $900 in some way?
If it was a gift, and he benefited, I'd say to the asshat that you aren't paying him back. I do however agree for repaying him for the birth control though.
Krazyjane
07-24-2006, 10:53 AM
The $900 is backrent. Towards the end of the relationship, he told me that he felt bad about me being anxious from feeling obligated, and told me to forget about it. Now, since we're not together and his car is crapping out, he wants it. My big weakness is obligation. He did tell me that I could work it off by sleeping with him. When he said this, I started crying hysterically and told him I hated him. He then told me that he was trying to get me to hate him, and that he had succeeded. We argued awhile longer, then had a nice 2-hour conversation like old friends. Sigh... I dunno what I'm going to do about this. I don't want him back, but I'm not sure if I want to throw him away as a friend. However, I know that dumping someone and offering to be friends is an insult (take them for granted, rubs salt in their wounds), and I'm not sure if I feel like pussyfooting around the phantom of an old relationship, dodging his ploys to get me back, and having to evade poking to see if I'm dating others.