View Full Version : when the SO messes with finances?
NinaDaisy
07-07-2006, 08:42 PM
Yeah, lots of people work and go to school. Like strippers.
Apprently it is easy taking advice, because this site is riddled with threads from whiny girls about their boyfriends. And they're all the same. The list their complaints about him, all the girls scream back "leave his ass", the girl pretends to be surprised and writes that he's not that bad, and the thread fades into obscurity, and she almost certainly stays with the loser.
I swear, it's like unless the guy is actually beating the shit out of a girl a lot of the women on here will put up with almost anything from men.
Stealing your money repeatedly and lying about it is a form of abuse.
Yekhefah
07-07-2006, 11:33 PM
^^^ Amen. Personally, I think if you stay with the guy at this point or even speak to him at all, you deserved having all your money stolen and I will have no sympathy when it happens again. Maybe you might be homeless, but at least you'll be homeless with this WINNER of a guy!
fancygirl
07-08-2006, 01:41 AM
harsh babe, but true. Even I will bitch about a guy and pull the "oh he's not that bad" but the worst they've done is just not called me (or pulled off a booty relationship without setting up the rules first.) THIS GUY, YOUR GUY, YES THE ONE THAT YOU"RE HAVING A HARD TIME LETTING GO OF, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is a bad guy. one who obviously thinks so little of taking FOUR THOUSAND PLUS DOLLARS of your money, and giving you fuck all for an excuse (and that was a pretty pathetic letter. Put a call out for best love letters and you'll see that yours doesn't compare. It's sad, and it doesn't say anything to explain himself, or even that he'll pay you back.)
You realize....as you become just a tad more jaded (and not in a bad harsh way, but in a necessarily to your survival way) that you cannot and should not help everyone. But you should not ESPECIALLY help people who are out to manipulate you, lie to you, steal from you and do it all under the guise of dating you. His betrayal is of the utmost sort, and you're all trying to be airy "oh I can have my cake and eat it too" to keep from your innermost self cracking up at the betrayal.
I KNOW you want to stay with this guy and get the last bit of goodness out of this relationship, but honey....it's all smoke and mirrors from this point on. It's not REAL!!! This guy lied to you and he'll do whatever tap dance routine you want without anything REAL like supporting himself and paying you back. You need to kick him out, or--if you feel like giving even more money in the form of rent to this guy, you need to get YOURSELF out of that situation.
I'm not going to say "trust me" because I hated when I heard that from a lot of girls here, so I'll just say this:
You feel like your soul is rent in two, and there's all these pieces of yourself falling in chaos at the hurt of what this guy did to you. I understand the need to try to catch as many pieces as possible, hell-- I even understand the need and desire to try to put the pieces back exactly as they were and pretend like nothing happened. But babe, your heart is broken. Staying with this guy is not going to get you a healthy heart back, it's just going to hurt you more and delay the healing, and (yet another thing I hated hearing) delay finding the guy that IS right for you.
It sucks. It hurts. But you need to take all the money you can from this motherfucking cunt and get yourself the fuck out of there.
YOU. NEED. TO. LEAVE. MERMAID. THIS. IS. NOT. SOMETHING. YOU. CAN. DISCUSS. AWAY.
Emily
07-08-2006, 02:00 AM
i know you have ppl on the outside telling you what they think and what you should do...but i really hope that they dont influence your decision and we are able to stay together...
I find this part of the letter interesting....
he is basically telling you that he "knows" it's your decision to stay with him, and the only reason you are consindering leaving him is because people know don't know the situation are telling you to.
So manipulative! I guess effective. I can't believe it took him 4 hours to come up with this though.
fancygirl
07-08-2006, 03:53 AM
exactly. he's isolating you. I assume your outside friends and family (if they know) are telling you the same thing. I didn't speak up for myself once because the guy pulled that bunk with me too, making me think that my own apprehensions were just what other people were telling me and NOT what I actually thought myself.
Optimist
07-08-2006, 04:03 AM
I bet he is sad thinking of you at work....he can't get at the money you're bringing home tonight! He sounds like a rent-boy working a PL. You don't want to be that chick do you? He's never going to admit it's a scam so you'll have to develop confidence in your own judgement of his actions. Don't try to put it off on listeneing to outsiders. Your judgement was clearest of all. Trust it.
AlexxaHex
07-08-2006, 04:51 AM
Yeah, lots of people work and go to school. Like strippers.
Apprently it is easy taking advice, because this site is riddled with threads from whiny girls about their boyfriends. And they're all the same. The list their complaints about him, all the girls scream back "leave his ass", the girl pretends to be surprised and writes that he's not that bad, and the thread fades into obscurity, and she almost certainly stays with the loser.
I swear, it's like unless the guy is actually beating the shit out of a girl a lot of the women on here will put up with almost anything from men.
Stealing your money repeatedly and lying about it is a form of abuse.
I couldn't have said it better myself...even if it is harsh, it's what you need to hear. Believe me, I've made a post or two about my loser ex and kind of did something similar, except I kept my eyes open and really learned from it. He didn't last much longer than a week or two after I started bitching to other people. LISTEN to the advice. No one here is going to intentionally steer you wrong, whereas HE will try anything he can (manipulation) to keep you (and your $$$) around (i.e. the ISOLATION thing - abusive men don't want you to get advice from other people or you will start to see that they are wrong).
There are three key things here that are signs of abuse (as NinaDaisy, Emily and fancygirl said above) - LYING, STEALING and ISOLATION. I have dealt with a few abusive relationships in my time, and have friends who have as well. It's extremely common for women in the adult industry to experience this and not even see it for what it is because we have to put up with so much crap from men in our jobs. Sometimes abuse is not as obvious as receiving a black eye. In fact, it's more common to be abused emotionally and not even realize it because he has manipulated you into thinking he's okay and honestly trying to improve. He never will.
You really have to remove yourself from the situation completely and screw his stupid education. He obviously doesn't give a sh** about you so why do you care so much about him?
BrunetteGoddess
07-08-2006, 06:26 AM
He quit his job to take courses. His problem, not yours. Plenty of people work and go to school, and they do it just fine.
Stop allowing himt o be a jerk, and get out of there.
if that excuse of an email sways you, you have bigger problems.
No kidding, you'd better not let that sway you! Didn't he keep telling you each time he fucked up he was sorry and it "wouldn't happen again"?
Typical manipulative bullshit honey, it WILL continue to happen; even if he ends up being with someone else down the road. His behavior most likely wont change and he'll just find someone else to swallow his bullshit if need to be. Break the pattern for you and possibly anyone else he might try to screw over with this bullshit down the road. Someone has to wise up to it; Im sure you're not the first
pinkispimp
07-08-2006, 07:16 AM
If i was you .. I would have separate accounts.. if you don't want to tell him.. then keep the one you have with him but open one for yourself.. and put most of your money in there.. because you never know, i would do that just to be on the safe side..
242_fair
07-08-2006, 09:06 AM
First he takes $1000 of your money.
Then he takes $4000 of your money.
Then he borrows $4000 ... which you will end up paying off for him.
This guy is a hardcore hustler to still have you wraped around his finger. I should take lessons from a man like this! Hes got game, I tell you that much.
mermaidnz
07-08-2006, 09:32 AM
nina, you are absolutely right, i said almsot the exact same thing to him last night- its like an abusive relationship. lets pretend hes hitting me (he doesnt) and like a battered woman, i say, well its ok, cos i know he loves me, and i li=ove him ,os its ok that he hits me. same as this situation in the past, i have brushed it off saying, its ok,its just money, i cant put a price on money.
i know theres crap loads of threads just like this on sw. usually, they all end the same. this one isnt.
he IS moving out, we are going to have a 6month 'break', in that time, he has to prove to me he his financially independant and worth my time to give a ,what are we up to now? 7th chance? haha i dont see him changing enough, but at least it gives him some hope, and a goal to work towards.he needs to make himself a more independant person.
emily, i totally found that part of the email retarded too.i pointed it out to him last night saying the same thing! he knows i posted all of this on sw, and another thread, and he knows ppl are telling me to leave left right and center. i told him, i posted it here and there to find out an outsiders opinion, someone who has no emotional connection to the situation. its not that everyone is influencing me, its that they are pointing out the goddamned TRUTH!
thanks girls, you really have helped immensly. i really should have listened to you 3 years ago when i wrote a thread about his retarded financial ways...you all said to leave then, but being a naieve 18year old, i thgouht i knew best,and he would change. *smacks head* boys never change.
fancygirl
07-08-2006, 09:51 AM
Well-- the hard part now is going to be sticking to your guns. I don't envy you the separation anxiety, but I can't see you NOT meeting someone who's great and treats you wonderfully.
Yekhefah
07-09-2006, 12:34 AM
If you know "boys never change," then why bother with the six-month trial separation? MOVE ON!
miss cleo
07-10-2006, 01:42 PM
Shit, i had that problem b4 too, my ex was always paying off debts to people he owed b4 we even met, and then expecting me to pick up the slack i.e pay the rent and bills etc. We were engaged and once he even said to me that if i loved him i would take evey last penny out of my account to help him!!! Different attitudes to money is a really big problem, in my experience, once he even asked me to be in charge of his money and i wrote everything down , what he earned and spent and when it was all gone he actually accused me of stealing it!!! I left him, but for a whole variety of reasons not just money. Maybe u guys could get separate bank accounts of meet with a financial advisor to make a plan and set down some rules, but u need to get it sorted b4 u get married. XX
TifaRae
07-10-2006, 02:50 PM
I would never share a joint account with a man unless we were married. Even then, I would ensure I had my own stash.
Why do you even bother giving him "chances"? He can't even write a decent ass-kissing email!
tampafldancer
07-10-2006, 09:11 PM
so many people seperating lately.. something is in the air!
oh and back to the subject... yes you should leave! noW
FrustratedBunny
07-10-2006, 09:30 PM
yeah it must be something in the air, people separating and it also seems a lot of people are having babies everywhere too.
Lysondra
07-14-2006, 08:11 PM
Live with me if it's so bad. :P I wouldn't mind. And sure as hell my boyfriend wouldn't. :P