View Full Version : Sleeping with guys on the first date
oceanside
06-27-2006, 10:15 AM
I think that it's hard to say. The chemistry. How you personally feel about sleeping with someone on the first date.
I personally tend to wait a bit before sleeping with someone. As I get older, it gets harder for me to deal with rejection on an emtional level. If he doesn't call me after I sleep with him, then I get really down on myself. That's why I like to wait until I'm comfortable and feel more reassurance that he is really interested in me.
fancygirl
06-27-2006, 07:27 PM
News Flash: Dipshit felt that turned off by two things during the date: me trying to hold his hand like ONCE when we were with his friends (after like two hours of him instigating hand holding and other PDAs), and me making him walk past the bars even though he was really adament about not going past them (but also not explaining why either.) I was being playful and shouldn't have pressured him, but whatever. Those two things, supposedly are what made the date go "downhill" in his mind and so from that point on he says he decided to go for the sex.
So, it had nothing to do with him never dating a girl who he'd slept with on the first or second date. He didn't want to date me but just didn't have the balls (at several points) to either stop the date (since it was going SO downhill between him nibbling on my neck and kissing me first -eyeroll-)
And this guy still thinks I want to be friends with him?!? CRAAAAZY!
I guess I just don't get sleeping with someone who you DON'T LIKE at all. I can see a one night stand thing, but I probably wouldn't do all the PDA affection stuff. TOO was right in that he's acting like a high schooler, trying to nail any poontang he can get that he's desperate enough to sleep with someone that he supposedly doesn't like at all.
All this from a big boy in college -eye roll- and he had the gall to tell me all guys would do this...um, no, actually most guys I know or even come into contact with (except for the bar guys who'd hit anything) wouldn't. Date the people you want to date, have sex with the people you want to have sex with but DON'T have sex with someone who you were on a date with and then you decided before sex that you didn't like them.
Weirdos.
But thanks for the positive feedback. It really has helped knowing you all in your different viewpoints are here :D
lilriot_atl
06-27-2006, 09:28 PM
I say do it when it feels right and if it backfires in your face learn from it and move on and pray you at least got some good sex from it.
-e
Mr Hyde
06-27-2006, 10:11 PM
Bottom line...if you sleep with a guy on the first date, second date, 10th date, two months in, and he's an asshole...he's an asshole no matter when you sleep with him. He won't "turn into an asshole" he was just hiding his asshole-ishness.
Sleep with him early if you want, or don't. But don't use the amount of time you make him wait give you any sort of false sense about what kind of guy he is.
fancygirl
06-27-2006, 10:28 PM
Thanks Mr. Hyde. I really enjoyed and appreciated the support in your posts. Like I told Djoser, I'm really glad I'm getting so many people calling this guy an asshole. It makes me feel loved :D
azcustomer
06-27-2006, 10:36 PM
Um, FancyGirl,
Sometimes it's much easier to evaluate a situation when someone writes about it.
You said that he had a problem with the PDA. You also said the only problem you had was with the PDA.
Would you have been happy just having great sex if you didn't force him into the PDA? I don't get PDA - do women really think it 'marks' their man?
Hell no, it just throws down the gauntlet for others to 'show her'.
My humble opinion.
fancygirl
06-27-2006, 10:44 PM
^^^ uh, well see the issue was that I didn't make ANY moves on this guy for the first two hours of the date. He was the one holding my hand, stroking my leg when we were seated, kissing my cheek. Each new PDA HE initiated.
So, we wound up running into friends at an event downtown and he turned into ice. All of those PDAs that he seemed to naturally do, got turned off.
So...while I wasn't really trying to mark him, yeah, I was super confused. But, to my credit, I did give him his space, even wandering away from him to mingle around the event. I think I might have tried to hold his hand (naturally, not as in a "hey, look at US. we're an US!") at the beginning, but when I saw how he was acting, I just decided to address it afterwards instead of in front of his friends.
His excuse was that since we'd just met he didn't want to have to explain to his friends why he was holding hands with me....um, okay? But why initiate all those PDAs anyways?
Plus, he STILL did it even after the two actions that he said turned him off. There were other minor problems, yes, but mostly this guy was sending me all these gushy, romantic signals, not a "hey, let me sex you up" vibe.
-shrug-
GoldCoastGirl
06-27-2006, 11:23 PM
Okay... I'm going to play dumb (since someone asked me so I'm asking on their behalf)
What does PDA stand for or mean?
I just didn't want to reply to the questioner with what I thought it meant if I'm reading it all wrong (which I have done in the past).
fancygirl
06-27-2006, 11:27 PM
Public Displays of Affection, ranging from holding hands, pecks, hugging, a shoulder around their SO all the way up to groping, heavy making out, basic behavior that people yell "hey get a room" at.
The PDAs in this situation are at the lighter end.
azcustomer
06-27-2006, 11:41 PM
Sorry, but it sounds like he's got a little too much going on to have space for you. If the guy was forward, then retreated, then he's more of a jerk than you initially let us know.
fancygirl
06-27-2006, 11:59 PM
^^^lol that's because initially I wasn't sure if it was ME that had done something wrong. If you see some of my posts along the thread, I'd like to think that I've given more information.
Plus, I didn't want to bias the asshole verdict because any woman who's rejected is probably going to think that...Luckily, I now know it's not my fault; he's obviously got some maturity issues (as well as a few others, I'm sure). And it's nice that a lot of people are coming to the conclusion that he's a jerk without me providing the emotional part of "hey, look how mean this guy was to me!"
SilverSaturn0
06-28-2006, 05:14 AM
my boyfriend and I slept together on our first date. Over a year later and we are more in love than ever.
Note: I need guy's opinions especially, and girls... how long you make a guy wait.
okay, so I just got out of a situation where I guy became an asshole because I slept with him on the first date. He tried to turn it around on me and say that he would never date a girl who'd slept with him on the first or second day, yet he was the one pushing for sex. .
Wow. Now that's a tactic I never thought of: bang a girl on the first date then tell her you don't date girls who bang on the first date! If you enjoyed it and that's what you wanted to do (vs being pushed into it ) then f*&^ him. Do what makes you happy. If they/he can't deal with that, fu&^ 'em. I have slept with women on the first date and never treated them with anything but respect no matter how it turned out.
So, how to get that type of behavior in a nice guy is the problem, because I don't think the nice guys would turn it against me, but then again, I haven't had sex on the first date in over three years so I'm not sure what the climate is on the stereotypical belief that the girl is not worth it if she "gives it up" on the first date.
Nice guys don't pressure women for sex on the first date, so that alone should tell you something right there. You have to read the signs from a gal, not act like a horeny bull in a China shop....so to speak. Treating someone with some respect goes a looooooooong way in my experience. Go with your instincts.
carlalnn
06-28-2006, 08:05 PM
Well if it makes you feel any better. I once slept with a guy before the first date. I had been to the beach with a bunch of friends several of whom had good looking boyfriends. I was complaining about not having a boyfriend so one of my friends fixed me up with a friend of hers. When he came over we both looked at each other and smiled. I offered him a drink and the next thing I knew we were in bed having great sex. After that we went out to dinner. We dated for three months and he's still a friend. I hadn't done that before or since, but it still makes me smile.8)
sexysweet
06-29-2006, 06:56 AM
This guy sounds like a classic man whore. He knows exactly what to say and do (PDA) to make women think he is all into them and then after he has gotten some, knows exactly what to say to make it seem as if it's not you as a person but your actions causing him to pull away, thereby making it seem you have done something wrong while he is still innocent.
This is the type of man who will wait weeks or even months to get you into bed (probably fucking several other women while waiting) and still find a "reason" to not date you afterward.
You did nothing wrong, hes just a dick.
This guy sounds like a classic man whore.
With man-gina! ;D:O;D
jellob1976
06-29-2006, 08:44 AM
Not directly commenting on the situation, but my favorite columnist is probably Dan Savage (Savage Love); and he ran this excellent series of columns ( http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=4714 ) about committed couples who got together under circumstances that were boozed up, drug induced, slutty, kinky, etc. He basically ran it in retaliation to a series of columns Ann Landers did where couples wrote in about their cutesy beginnings.
Also though, I think Savage made a very good point. I think a good number of relationships (maybe even the majority?) don't start with holding hands at a carnival and a chaste pec on the lips (no tongue) at the end of the night. I know my wife and I had "relations" for about 2 months before we ever went on a proper date (I know...not classy or chivalrous; but in my defense that was pretty much the result of booze, and the fact that things started heating up about a month and a half before finals and other end of semester projects).
Anyway, I guess the ultimate point is just do what you feel confortable doing; and you may meet some jerks, but eventually you'll meet someone that's on the same wave length.
threlayer
06-29-2006, 09:11 AM
.... He was the one holding my hand, stroking my leg when we were seated, kissing my cheek. Each new PDA HE initiated.
So, we wound up running into friends at an event downtown and he turned into ice. All of those PDAs that he seemed to naturally do, got turned off.
... But, to my credit, I did give him his space, even wandering away from him to mingle around the event...
His excuse was that since we'd just met he didn't want to have to explain to his friends why he was holding hands with me....um, okay? But why initiate all those PDAs anyways?
...
I get it! Finally.
The man has something to hide from his friends, and that something is his encounter with you. The man has a wife or a GF and you were just a temporary fuck-buddy.
At least people could pose that as a preferred option before first penetration. Doing it after the irreversible action is what makes him a creep, typical, but a creep anyway.
proMarket
06-29-2006, 07:04 PM
DOing it the same day you meet...the same moment...or 2 years later (I had to wait 9 months one time) wont matter...
Its all in the guy, the girl (or whatever the gender mix) - is there chemistry? Do the personalities match? are one/both assholes? Do the asses match or not?
francescadubois
06-29-2006, 08:04 PM
Not directly commenting on the situation, but my favorite columnist is probably Dan Savage (Savage Love)
Oh my God!! I love Dan Savage!! ;D
GnBeret
07-02-2006, 04:50 AM
... [B]ut then I also don't want to miss out on a really great guy because I didn't wait til the third date.
Don't worry, you won't - obviously BS like this has nothing to do with anything as far as you're concerned and the kind of guy you're taking about will know better too. Don't play 'the game' you're describing, adopting an artificial persona, and get suckered into playing the part of somebody you're not. Be who you are and do what you want to do, 'cause the kind of guy you're describing won't think it has anything to do with anything either.