View Full Version : Custy dilema
maximvsv
08-31-2006, 11:35 PM
Welcome to my world here the last 24 hours :banghead:
She has been talking my ear off. I am just trying to listen and give advice...:banghead:
I only went in for a beer!!!!!! :no:
Okay. I've only read to the second page of stuff so far, so I don't know if it has come up yet, but you're asking the wrong people here.
She wants someone to talk to who won't be judgmental or turn it into something smarmy? Fine. What makes you think she needs more than that? You write about how to protect her, which implies two other elements: (1) what do you mean by protect and (2) from what?
The person you ought to be asking, and the only one who could give you the answers, is her.
Now, you get a bunch of people telling you to quit paying attention to her and pay attention to your spouse. That's sound enough advice, because everyone assumes that some sort of sexual interest will either creep in or be misinferred by someone. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. That's not the real problem, though.
The problem is that you have this connection with someone in an industry that attracts people with unusual social boundaries and compusive behaviors. Some of them are seen in the customers, some in dancers, some in the assorted managers, staff and hangers-on. They way you describe the interaction makes it sound like you're the one with the compulsive behavior issues, since your focus is on what sounds like control of someone with some kind of incapacity.
What makes you think something other than conversation would even be welcome in the situation? Or do you exercise this sort of protective role with all of your friends?
maple34
09-01-2006, 06:26 AM
The problem is that you have this connection with someone in an industry that attracts people with unusual social boundaries and compusive behaviors. Some of them are seen in the customers, some in dancers, some in the assorted managers, staff and hangers-on. They way you describe the interaction makes it sound like you're the one with the compulsive behavior issues, since your focus is on what sounds like control of someone with some kind of incapacity.?
Wow, thanks Dr. Phil! Absolutely fascinating. And what compulsive behaviors do I have perhaps. I am totally intregued! Please...Unfortunately, I am leaving tonight for a month, but I will certainly miss this!!
Or do you exercise this sort of protective role with all of your friends?
Old Russian saying..You are my freind, I will brave the winds with you, you are my enemy, may the winds blow you away.
I protect those whom I care about, and wouldn't piss on those I don't if they were on fire..
maple34
09-01-2006, 06:34 AM
You can call me Dick. Really now, what are the chances of this girl reading your post? Sounds like you're in Russia aren't you? Can I assume she's Russian? Could she even read it if she did find it? Plus, I won't tell. Think about it.
Well Dick, I believe I mentioned she is here in Canada, as am I. I work in Russia as it where my company is based, and I am under a contract...Hence, why I haven't trown her to the wolves here. I however being Russian, am assuming you are asking if she could read because she is Russian? She is here, and not Russian. But, FYI, most all Russians were taught English in school, and she would do fine I am sure.
WiseGuy_TX
09-01-2006, 07:22 AM
The sole point was to ask advice, not have it dissected....come on now maple34, you know the advice is only as good as the information and style of posting you give. Thats all the posters have to base their opinions on. "Sweet old married man wants to protect/save dancer friend" plays out in strip clubs everyday. The majority of those sweet old married men, imo, initially want to help/protect but end up wanting more. You may be the rare exception but you'll have to live thru the dissection to convince some.
I'm glad you have a dancer friend, nothing wrong with that. I have/had plenty of them too. But they are my friends, i dont have to protect them. I protect my stripper girlfriend(of the year..hahaha).
BTW, how is life outside Moscow nowadays?
maximvsv
09-01-2006, 11:46 AM
Wow, thanks Dr. Phil! Absolutely fascinating. And what compulsive behaviors do I have perhaps. I am totally intregued! Please...Unfortunately, I am leaving tonight for a month, but I will certainly miss this!!
Okay. Starting with:
After a few weeks SHE asked me if I wanted to go for coffee accross from the club. We talked until nearly 5AM. My wife is good about not yelling too much, and trusts me since I am not out late without reason or alibies.
She has since told me lots about her, her son, her life, and likewise. We have developed a really good friendship. She knows I am married, there has been no physical contact except the hello-good-bye hugs, and pecks. The dilema is...
She recently told me I am "The safest place she has ever been." In a conversation, she told me she "is glad she can confide in me", and said I am someone she looks forward to seeing, because I am like "an island" to her.
Here, you have what comes across as normal interaction, but your focus in what you tell to the people you're asking to act as advisors isn't "her, her son, her life, and likewise". Those parts you skip over. The parts you emphasize are "The safest place she has ever been", "is glad she can confide in me" "I am someone she looks forward to seeing" and "I am like 'an island' to her".
I really care for her, and am honoured she trusts me, and I am super good at keeping secrets (I could bring down KINGDOMS with what I know heeheehee), and I honestly feel the same about her.
For the purposes of seeking advice, what does the part about bringing down kingdoms add to the mix? It comes across, first, as unnecessary detail, after all, of what importance is it what kind of secrets you have or keep, if you keep them? Next, it comes across as evidence of your perception of self-importance, and could be signalling delusional, messiah complex neuroses. Third, it comes across as evidence of a desire to gain and exercise control over others, which leads readers to infer whether or not your issue isn't actually compassion for her but your own ability to exercise power over others.
How do I protect her? How can I keep her safe as well as her feelings?
This goes back to the omissions from above. You haven't provided any detail on her, so it doesn't appear that she requires any kind of protection or salvation. Without those, it comes across as your assuming a protective role without (1) being asked and without (2) some actual threat or condition from which to protect her. So, taking the part about bringing down kingdoms and the gratuitous assumption of a protector role, I infer from your message that you have a deficit in your own self-image, such that you project upon your interaction with others a need for your influence, so that you can feel that you are valuable, since you have value or utility to them.
I am tough enough because of my own past to detach my feelings if need be, but I am worried about her. She's like a little Bambi to me and I feel I am getting to care too much and vice-versa.
Again, there are no details about this past (much like the absent details about the secrets), so there is no way to determine how they might apply. However, you want the reader to know you have a past and that it has (1) made you "tough" while (2) providing an instance wherein you could "detach" your "feelings if need be." This reinforces the appearance of delusions of grandeur or an active messiah complex. The part about being concerned about caring too much either comes across as a gratuitous comment, to humanize the situation, or it is actual evidence that whatever is going on has not gotten to the level of schizophrenic obsession with sociopathic disregard for consequences.
Old Russian saying..You are my freind, I will brave the winds with you, you are my enemy, may the winds blow you away.
I protect those whom I care about, and wouldn't piss on those I don't if they were on fire..
Okay. It sounds good, but it avoids the distinction raised in the question in the prior post. Maybe I wasn't clear enough, though. Since there does not appear to be any threat or condition from which to protect her or your friends, do you still try to find ways to act as a protector of these people in the absence of threats or dangerous conditions?
It looks to me like you have a compulsion to find a way to become a person's protector to give yourself a foundation for your own sense of self-image, and that you are/were seeking a means to impose some control over this woman without some invitation or justification in order to do so.
That's the way I see it.
not_a_custy
09-01-2006, 02:33 PM
Heh:) Sounds like a common problem with a lot of men, myself included. While women frequently think of us as nothing more than an adversary to be very wary of we actually do have emotions other than those connected to our dicks. As I get older I find myself feeling more protective and concerned for the women and girls in my life. The cynical are welcome to make whatever they want of this but the simple fact is I like these women and want them to be safe and well because I value them as real friends. My criteria when dealing with any female is to picture my girl and then ask myself if she would be unhappy at my interaction with these women. If I think it might hurt her then I don't do it. I never want to have to face her with a guilty conscience. Maple 34, it sounds as if you have a good grasp of where you stand with your wife so just continue being careful and monitoring what you say and do. Be careful of slippery slopes:)
Katrine
09-01-2006, 07:44 PM
Droog, nye valnooysa. Ani nas ne paynemayit! (I'm too tired to deal w russian font ;) )
FireTiger
09-18-2006, 01:42 PM
The right thing seems so obvious when it's someone else's problem... I'm a hypocrite to say this, but your wife shouldn't just be the most important one, she should be the only one. Now I have to go repair some damage... I suddenly realize how wrong I've been. Thanks for giving me a little insight into my own situation.