View Full Version : 50 mistakes women do....written by a lady
kandie_kitten
02-07-2007, 11:42 AM
*curls up in TOO's lap too*
Goddammit, i want good sex! I STILL haven't had a guy who gave oral (and yes, I give...constantly, I love it!) or last during sex more than 3 minutes.
*sobs*
teeth_of_the_hydra
02-07-2007, 11:58 AM
Women are these wonderful musical instruments that once you learn how to play, will never disappoint you in their breathless, uncontrollable, head-snapping, toe-curling, throat-wrenching, slow-building-muscle-contraction you-feel-before-they-do, dripping-wet, nails-in-your neck, biting-your-tongue, eyes-rolled-all-the-way-back, explosive, multiorgasmic, borderline-frightening insanity followed by 30 minutes of their pillow-over-the face, God-let-me-breathe-what-the-fuck-was-that pleading for mercy.
A couple of women just broke rule 51.
51. NEVER fall for a man's cheesy lines like: "Women are these beautiful musical instrument".... or "Baby, it breaks my ever-lovin'-heart to even imagine that my description above does not capture your personal experience every night of your life." Especially when it's posted on a message board filled with mostly women.
Cuff, say what you may, but I would get on my knees and lick TOO's shadow off the floor for writing a sentence like the one above.
Funny list, by the way. For some tongue-in-cheek, off-color amusement, it did its job.
Mastridonicus
02-07-2007, 12:36 PM
Oh man, My monitor is just not big enough to comment on all of this. It may have been written by a woman, but not my kind of woman.
Seriously. I want to meet the woman that wrote this and walk away in fear.
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
False followed by a truth. Fact is, it can be JUST like a slip, depending on the girl and just how she turns you on. Hell, for some it just doesn't go soft. This is a subjective view that requires an objective look.
2. is truth in the last sentence.
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.
BULLSHIT. Sometimes sex doesn't lead to orgasm, it just DOESN'T. If she's expecting an orgasm, then the process of getting there between the two should be mutually entertaining of an experience for both of you. FUN. Have FUN. Erotic energy is FUN. Laughing is FUN. Do it all, but please, be entertained.
TOO, Your comment on musical instruments as pledged to a woman's body couldn't have been said better. And believe me. I like just used it. I truly lack in your enchanting charm and etiquette. Despite my similar accuracy in picking out the same points.
I really just wish I agree that within the thralls of the sexual domain that either person is responsible for any outcome. This just seems like a form of "insecurity". "If I don't get her off like that guy says, I fail as a man." But I might just be saying that cause I may just suck in bed.
However there is something transcendent about laying there when done, completely exhausted, feeling around the sweltering heat and disorganized possessions scattered and/or broken among the remains of the consumables, used in the most memorable ways, throughout the scene of what others would call a crime of the most lustful integration of the dual human form trying to make that one last human touch when the only words capable of escaping your mouths are truly meant for your ears only.
It's an experience. If there is even a right or wrong method of action in your head, you've cheapened the experience. Sometimes it's nice to be able to just let go, and not care about the "score". It's normally better anyways.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
What....The....Fuck?!
If she's the right woman, all of those are fucking MANDATORY. 4. depends on the woman and the type of sex. 5. I know of a few woman that I absolutely melted when I woke up and I was still wrapped around them.
And 6. If 6 is bad? I don't want to be good. I'm tired of the "No fawning" rule. Some women are a work of god damned art and need to know it. I am a REACTIONARY person. That means I treat you how you make me feel you deserve to be treated. Take away my sexual ability, and I am still here. Tell me I can't tell a woman she's beautiful through thoughts, actions, and words? And you kill me. It's not
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair.
Yea, whining is retarded. I'd suggest biting. That's fucking rude. If it's what you're into than it's irrelevant in this list.
10. Retarded. Just lay back. I enjoy pleasing. 11. Even more retarded. If you're considering this an issue, you did some great acting to show up on my radar. 12. It's hair. It grows. It doesn't keep you from fucking. NEITHER does a plethora of other whammies the female body throws at her at a regular basis against her will. I mean, what about those surprise fucks? You get her pants shredded off and then demand her to shave her legs? Jesus CHRIST.
14.15.16.17.18....I'm done this is just a waste. Almost insulting to me.
I take great enjoyment in my interest in the happiness of the woman who choose to give me their time. Sexual or otherwise. It's not about the sex, it's about the good time. Sex may be a part of it. I really just don't care though. If you can't have fun, don't bother.
This list is just bullshit.
Paris
02-07-2007, 12:43 PM
Sorry ladies but if you can't fullfil everyone of those 50 suggestions then you're not living in the real world. My little blonde takes all of those to heart which is why I'm
not_a_custy lol And I try to always reciprocate. Let the shrieking begin :D
Now, DH, I told you not to troll on SW anymore! Now go to the mall and get me something expensive and shiny to get back in my good graces, or no spanking for you tonight}:D!
Prester_John
02-07-2007, 12:45 PM
how 'bout mini vanilla cupcakes;)
Now your just trying to seduce me, arent you.
Evil, I tell ya. }:D
AlexxaHex
02-07-2007, 12:57 PM
If she's the right woman, all of those are fucking MANDATORY. 4. depends on the woman and the type of sex. 5. I know of a few woman that I absolutely melted when I woke up and I was still wrapped around them.
And 6. If 6 is bad? I don't want to be good. I'm tired of the "No fawning" rule. Some women are a work of god damned art and need to know it. I am a REACTIONARY person. That means I treat you how you make me feel you deserve to be treated. Take away my sexual ability, and I am still here. Tell me I can't tell a woman she's beautiful through thoughts, actions, and words? And you kill me.
Beautifully said, Mast!
Anytime you start writing "rules" about how people should interact sexually, you take away the magic. Obviously, there are basic laws as to how you treat people, but saying that I shouldn't expect my man to cuddle with me, show me romance or intimacy is like saying it's okay if he forgets my birthday/our anniversary because well DUH he's a man and he can't possibly be asked to remember ANYthing of importance.
In that way, I think this garbage list is both an insult to you and I. It demeans our intelligence and our natural desire for closeness.
Paris
02-07-2007, 01:03 PM
So what if you start to bite into this "candy" that has the appearance of something sweet, but it turns out to be actually made of salt? Fooled? I just find it ridiculous that women would fall or swoon for this kinda of stuff for the sole reason of a reaction from the poster. It's one thing to be told by someone you're in love with, another by an anonymous guy on the web.
Yep. And of course, men never are taken in by great clevege, full lips and a soft wafting of perfume?
Guys, want to know the real secret of getting laid more often? Conversation. Not conversation about sex, but about celebs or movies or the latest trends in real estate or the trouble with public education or that stupid bitch that lives down the block or...you get the idea.
Women LOVE to talk. Even if the talk is pointless, it is simply the act of talking that gets most women in the mood for more naked type of activities. The more pointless the conversation, the better. Avoid subjects like 'what a pest her mother is' or 'maybe she could work on her cooking skills' or 'Honey, why don't you dress sexier?' or 'Don't wear that skirt, it makes you look like a slut'. Avoid any self improvement chat that is meant to be helpful to her. It's not, and you'll be making love to Rosey Palm for the next couple of weeks if you persist.
Ask her a general, random small talk question like 'Where would you like to go on vacation if money was no object?' and let her run with it. Continue to ask her questions to keep her talking like, 'Italy? Really? Tell me why you would like to go to Italy.'
Doing this simple thing will get a woman in the mood much better than watching porn, tweeking her nipples or slapping her ass. Trust me! Then she'll be more likely to engage in the aforementioned list if her need for conversation is being met regularly. Really! Try it and see.
Yekhefah
02-07-2007, 01:07 PM
^^^ I dunno... talking about sex gets me pretty damn hot.
But you're absolutely right. K has this incredibly magical way of just listening and making conversation, and it gets him laid like nobody's business. I don't know what's so arousing about it, but it works like hell on me and I love watching him do it to other women too. He just really pays attention and holds up a conversation, and it makes women want to rip his clothes off.
And then once they do, because he paid attention so closely, he knows exactly what they want. It's amazing. I don't know why more guys haven't figured this out, but almost none of them get it.
lunchbox
02-07-2007, 01:11 PM
Your arguement would hold more weight if TOO had not already been a veteran member of this here board, and his reputation - established over time and through many posts (as well as actually meeting a few people here in person) - is rock solid for most people reading his words.
You forgot financial benefactor.
Paris
02-07-2007, 01:16 PM
You forgot financial benefactor.
Well, Lunchbox, where's your checkbook?
Paintbaby
02-07-2007, 01:33 PM
[QUOTE=Mastridonicus;966485]
"If she's the right woman, all of those are fucking MANDATORY. 4. depends on the woman and the type of sex. 5. I know of a few woman that I absolutely melted when I woke up and I was still wrapped around them.
And 6. If 6 is bad? I don't want to be good. I'm tired of the "No fawning" rule. Some women are a work of god damned art and need to know it. I am a REACTIONARY person. That means I treat you how you make me feel you deserve to be treated..."
< ...looks at Mast with doe-eyes, while little hearts dance above her head...>
ExoticEngineer
02-07-2007, 01:44 PM
*Tosses Bra at Mast, Tosses panties at TOO* I don't care if I "fell for it" or not...it was damn good!
TheSexKitten
02-07-2007, 02:10 PM
Mast and TOO are awesome. *swoon*
Aside from the list being obviously ridiculous, I thought it was pretty funny. I didn't take it seriously.
Yep. And of course, men never are taken in by great clevege, full lips and a soft wafting of perfume?
Guys, want to know the real secret of getting laid more often? Conversation. Not conversation about sex, but about celebs or movies or the latest trends in real estate or the trouble with public education or that stupid bitch that lives down the block or...you get the idea.
Women LOVE to talk. Even if the talk is pointless, it is simply the act of talking that gets most women in the mood for more naked type of activities. The more pointless the conversation, the better. Avoid subjects like 'what a pest her mother is' or 'maybe she could work on her cooking skills' or 'Honey, why don't you dress sexier?' or 'Don't wear that skirt, it makes you look like a slut'. Avoid any self improvement chat that is meant to be helpful to her. It's not, and you'll be making love to Rosey Palm for the next couple of weeks if you persist.
Ask her a general, random small talk question like 'Where would you like to go on vacation if money was no object?' and let her run with it. Continue to ask her questions to keep her talking like, 'Italy? Really? Tell me why you would like to go to Italy.'
Doing this simple thing will get a woman in the mood much better than watching porn, tweeking her nipples or slapping her ass. Trust me! Then she'll be more likely to engage in the aforementioned list if her need for conversation is being met regularly. Really! Try it and see.
Of course men are taken in by cleavage, full lips, pretty face, nice body etc. etc. Key word is "taken in". I absolutely agree that men are fools as well. I'm not bashing women here. Men are fooled, by a pretty face and nice body that dances for them in order for the guy to give up $$$. Am I wrong in saying this about the dancers here? You fool most men into thinking you're into them in order to get more $$. I just thought maybe the women here were more cognizent of men and how they are. Plus, the lines in that post seemed a little creepy to me, being a man and knowing what men are about. I guess no one else sees it that way. I guess I value sincerity differently than others here.
I agree communication is the key to a successful relationship. I'm very much in love with my girlfriend and we have great communication about everything. That is part of the success. My initial point being, this is a random guy that nobody knows, saying these lines. An anonymous person. Like I said, if it was from someone you love it's one thing, a stranger another. Swoon away though.
LilSweetVixen
02-07-2007, 02:59 PM
Where did it say that?
21 and 45.
Yekhefah
02-07-2007, 03:01 PM
That's not what those say. They both say to clearly communicate beforehand.
Jenny
02-07-2007, 03:16 PM
I agree communication is the key to a successful relationship. I'm very much in love with my girlfriend and we have great communication about everything. That is part of the success. My initial point being, this is a random guy that nobody knows, saying these lines. An anonymous person. Like I said, if it was from someone you love it's one thing, a stranger another. Swoon away though.
I think it is great that you are so into your girlfriend - although it makes me ponder a little why you went home and googled "strippers" so as to wind up here.
Not the point though - have you spent much time with online communities? Because a lot us here - we have. And you get to learn that we are a community every bit as much as if we were getting together physically (if we could conceivably get together 12 times a day, with, like, hundreds of people). We do not, all of us, see all the rest of us as "strangers". We feel that we, in some way, know each other. This doesn't mean that we're all "best friends" or perceive these relationships as being "exactly like" real time, in the flesh ones (although there is some cross over there too); it certainly doesn't mean that we're naive - we are well, well aware of the possibility of abuse and the need to "be careful" and some of us are much more private than others. But, generally - just so you understand where you are - we don't see this as a collection of postings from a bunch of strangers.
Although on an alternate argument you might note: the "swooning" you seem to dislike so much (for no apparent reason) is just as virtual and anonymous as the compliment.
Jenny
02-07-2007, 03:23 PM
That's not what those say. They both say to clearly communicate beforehand.
The standards of clarity are a little different though, aren't they? I mean the woman is considered to be consenting unless she gets a notarized letter excluding anal, or slams him against the wall prior to the act and says "Listen bub - no back door action or I'll cut your balls off." She might want to giggle and say "no" in a nonchalant unconcerned way becuase she doesn't want to, or it hasn't occurred to her to make a big deal out of it.
The guy's ass, on the other hand, is a sacred zone that cannot be violated without "clear communication". What if he giggles and says "no" like it's an invitation? Evidently that is enough to justify invasion of my ass. Why is my butt being treated like the Gaza Strip in this scenario?
Yekhefah
02-07-2007, 04:56 PM
:laughing: Good point. I do love your way with words, Jenny.
K and I have this conversation all the time because he loves spelunking around in my ass but his is a strict no-fly zone. Well, at least he admits he's a hypocrite. That counts for something.
Djoser
02-07-2007, 05:02 PM
I agree communication is the key to a successful relationship. I'm very much in love with my girlfriend and we have great communication about everything. That is part of the success. My initial point being, this is a random guy that nobody knows, saying these lines. An anonymous person. Like I said, if it was from someone you love it's one thing, a stranger another. Swoon away though.
You are correct, communication is the key.
And we all have different notions as to what constitutes eloquence. Words that make one woman swoon might not impress another, and that might be a good thing, who knows?
But this is not a random guy, this is the no.1 financial supporter of the site.
Mastridonicus
02-07-2007, 05:04 PM
I agree communication is the key to a successful relationship. I'm very much in love with my girlfriend and we have great communication about everything. That is part of the success. My initial point being, this is a random guy that nobody knows, saying these lines. An anonymous person. Like I said, if it was from someone you love it's one thing, a stranger another. Swoon away though.
If you were to ask me (not saying you are) You'd get a different answer. All I am saying is that the key to a relationship's happy longevity is something much deeper than honesty and communication.
For some people, it comes naturally, others have to learn it. For some, it just wasn't meant to be, and others note that as with all things, there are gray areas. However, as soon as you realize that nothing, I mean NOTHING, no ring, no commitment, no gift, no leash, no rules, no word, and especially no "expected action" of useless labels, will EVER make a person yours. They have to WANT to give.
When a person gives of themselves to you, it is a GIFT. You accept it as is. The things that are symbolic of some labels are nice, and it's nice to hear "this is my boyfriend/husband/trans gendered live-in sex slave" but the labels mean nothing. The actions they represent mean EVERYTHING. And the resulting relationship, whatever the level is a gift to be cherished, never to be sat on the mantel and displayed, but to be involved with, to share with, and to enjoy. Because it can be gone in an INSTANT.
This, to me, means that the longevity of any relationship is that the charm, praise, appreciation, and the actions involved never end, they change, but it never ends. Because then I do. I'm inspired to do these things when I am with someone, as long as that inspiration is there, it is met by my reaction, and if that is enough to keep the inspiration coming, it's a perfect circle.
If I told you I loved you, and then I close handed hit you for no reason, would you really believe I loved you?
ExoticEngineer
02-07-2007, 05:15 PM
Mr. Cuff, in all of your 4 posts you are complaining about a guy whom we ALL have had some sort of communication with in this forum.
I take it back, you are complaining about our enjoying his comments.
Why do you care so much about this? You being the "random guy" here and all....why are you so bent about this gentleman who has a way with words making the ladies here giggle and smile?
And by the way....your original post, saying we were going against rule # such and such.....No kidding? You don't say? I do believe the point of those rules was quite tongue in cheek! Or at least obviously the majority of us look at them as such!
I jsut can't figure out why you are harping on this one thing so much, when you could look at that entire list of rules and have so much MORE to talk about.
Eh, anyway...who wants cup cakes?
twisterinAZ
02-07-2007, 06:28 PM
I do !!! I do !!!! Me...I want cupcakes:)
Vyanka
02-07-2007, 06:48 PM
Seriously. If a guy would says degrating things about women, I bet you know one would complain or say shit. Please.
I do !!! I do !!!! Me...I want cupcakes:)
Me! Me!!! I'll trade you my cookies for a batch of cupcakes!
hyzenthflay
02-07-2007, 08:23 PM
*Tosses Bra at Mast, Tosses panties at TOO* I don't care if I "fell for it" or not...it was damn good!
They can have my panties too. I ate that shit up, especially coming from veteran members.
The first person I thought of, and who's voice I thought of while reading it was that female comedian Lisa Lampanelli.
I agreed with ArmySgt because I felt that it was directed at "prissy, floor length flannel wearing, anxiety attack over what the neighbors might think, Church Mouse"
And I agree with Paris completely! Especially this "Guys, want to know the real secret of getting laid more often? Conversation. Not conversation about sex, but about celebs or movies or the latest trends in real estate or the trouble with public education or that stupid bitch that lives down the block or...you get the idea."
I just walked away from a wonderful man after two years because he couldn't conversate with me about anything, not even sex. He's kicking his own ass now and is talking up a storm, but no 3rd chances!
But I was disgusted with it for the most part. I agree with Casual Observer said, "If you have to ram a girl's head on your cock (and you're not fulfilling some D/s need she has), you're just being cruel--not helpful."
My 50 cents:p
Casual Observer
02-07-2007, 08:50 PM
I agree communication is the key to a successful relationship. I'm very much in love with my girlfriend and we have great communication about everything. That is part of the success.My initial point being, this is a random guy that nobody knows, saying these lines. An anonymous person. Like I said, if it was from someone you love it's one thing, a stranger another. Swoon away though.
Jenny's point(s) about the nature of this particularly online community and its members are quite on target here. And the point being made by many here is that TOO isn't faking that; that's how he is. You might find his method of communication to be over-the-top or flamboyant, but he's certainly not pretending to be otherwise, as people that know him can attest. Myself, I'm comparatively callous and cold, in keeping with my roguish bastard tendencies, and people can clearly see that in the contrasting writing styles of individuals--doesn't make either mode of communication any less effective or honest.
Larger point, language isn't the message, it's the medium and some people like to deliver that message with some flair, and some with a distinct lack thereof.
If I told you I loved you, and then I close handed hit you for no reason, would you really believe I loved you?
And here I was, wondering why that technique wasn't always working out well for me. Thanks Mast!
Mastridonicus
02-08-2007, 07:43 AM
And here I was, wondering why that technique wasn't always working out well for me. Thanks Mast!
Hahaha made me think of this:
http://www.mastridonicus.com/seekrit/sw/anon.jpeg
aviendha
02-08-2007, 10:35 AM
I think the list is incredibly stupid. Every item is either a direction on how we're not getting the guy off well enough and how we really should be doing it, or an accusation that WE are expecting too much from HIM and should be taking care of that ourselves. Especially "he's not responsible for your orgasm". He's not? Yet the rest of the list seems to infer that we're certainly responsible for his.
Definitely not written by a woman. Because a woman wouldn't be coming up with 50 ways about how everything a woman likes in sex and relationships is some kind of selfish bitch act, and that our job is really to give a man some pussy as fast as humanly possible. Fuck that shit. You want some, you gotta earn it.
Paris
02-08-2007, 10:43 AM
The list could be an exellent resource for full service providers. But they are not in 'relationships' with their customers, just providing sex to the john.
AlexxaHex
02-08-2007, 11:54 AM
I found from the "best of craigslist" thread. I think it applies very nicely here. ;D
Katrine
02-08-2007, 01:06 PM
Unfortunately, some women cannot achieve orgasm, and there is no girls school for getting off and being sexy. Other factors can prevent women from enjoying sex to the fullest, including previous trauma, religious guilt, poor experience, etc.
Its up to BOTH partners to be responsible for the woman's orgasm. At some point the woman needs to let herself go. It takes a skilled lover to get her mind off of it.
Ladies, we've all been there. Oh yeah, this list sucks!
ArmySGT.
02-08-2007, 01:24 PM
What I got from the list is this...........
Do not be a passive non-participant in your own sex life; then tell every one but your lover about how it is not good enough.
There 50 condensed to one. Someone go post this one a conservative Christian womens board. I think that will be better than reality TV if you want to watch. After all the majority of women here are in the Sex Industry. I am gonna go out on a limb and say that I doubt any of you are passive non-participants in your own sex lives. Jaded may be to strong to say but, highly exposed to the near limitless facets of sex is probably good enough to explain attitudes and experiences.
It's crass humor, not an attack on women. What makes it amusing is there a gems of truth. you can say I know someone like that. All 50 don't apply to one person. If it has they have commited suicide by now. Any five though and you can point a finger.