View Full Version : WTF? Yeah Right!
madmaxine
05-27-2007, 11:32 AM
Some mental images come to mind- a cat playing with a mouse, fish in a barrel, bear trap. That stuff doesn't just happen to animals, you know.
You're not the first young woman to get wound around a loser's finger & you won't be the last.
All things considered, I know you're independent enough to take care of yourself, so why are you putting up with this?
Hot2Trot
05-27-2007, 11:34 AM
Ok Mr. Corsica, I would also like to add another suggestion for you to consider about "friends and family" who are TRULY interested in your well-being, and not just carrying a chip on their shoulders because of bad personal experiences, or fanning some bad flashbacks to you of your past in an "I told you so" manner...
The ONLY people who know THE TRUTH about your relationship is YOU & YOUR WIFE. Don't listen to Joe Schmuck your high school buddy who is single and needing a drinking buddy because he is not in a relationship <Misery loves company> . Don't listen to your aunt Sally who "could see it coming from a mile away".
Only YOU truly know your wife and only SHE truly knows you <think of all the ways (non-sexual) you know each other in ways that others WILL NEVER KNOW you, NO MATTER how close of a friend / family>.
Trust your heart, trust yourselves and trust your wife. Most people get bad advice from people who have had horrid life experiences, and this reflects in how they apply that irrelevant bad advice to their own relationship.
You cannot rely on others' generalizations. Every relationship is unique. Love is a gift - DO NOT let others generallize, and in effect trivialize, your gift.
I hope this helps.
:flirt:
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 11:34 AM
DO NOT curl up into a ball and die; STAND UP and fight this battle and LIVE, or you might not only lose yourself, but your loving companion in the process.
:flirt:
Where is that loving companion of mine? He's missing....:'(
Circe
05-27-2007, 11:35 AM
It sounds like you already know what you need to do. I'm shocked that he'd jack your account like that. What is he, 12?
snoopy
05-27-2007, 11:35 AM
...If anything is going to improve, you have to work together....both accept responsibility for your own faults, and work to resolve them...such a thing can only come when both people are willing to see things for what they are. I'm sorry you're going through this. No one is perfect, no one is blameless, but he doesn't appear to even THINK that something is wrong from his end. In short, unless he admits that he has some things to work on, these problems won't get resolved.completely agree.
i was trying to say something like this but dewdrop said it perfectly.
edit: hot2trot's also dishing some very good advice imho.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 11:36 AM
Oh, he is also on this kick of "I know you want me to follow this dream life of yours of becoming a Porn Star Stripper, but I won't.."
I don't know where he gets some of these things????
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 11:37 AM
I find myself starting to wonder if I have any good left in me because he tells me I'm mean, nasty, manipulative, etc. So I come on here and ask for honest opinions. Apparently any time I consult a 3rd party, it's just me being an attention whore and trying to make him look bad. He has the innate ability to make me feel worthless when he wants to, but swears he doesn't mean it.
Don't get me wrong here; I am NOT perfect! But all close people in my life except for him are saying I'm good and kind, but somehow him as the one person who tells me otherwise is the loudest.
I swear I don't dare tell him this stuff anymore; it would just feed his power he has over me. And honestly when I've talked about this briefly with him; he makes me feel foolish, intentional or not.
I feel so fucking stupid. He goads me into arguments and I stupidly play along. But sometimes I won't engage him and he'll say I'm the one who wants to argue. And he puts words in my mouth!
*Knocks CorsicaFire over the head with a brick to punish her for suggesting that she's anything other than a sweet, honest, hardworking girl.* BAD GIRL, no cookie for you.
Of course you're not perfect, but don't think that you deserve abuse. One thing that got me stuck in abusive relationships was, "I'm not perfect, and I'm lucky to have someone who can point out my flaws and help me fix them." Real friends won't try to change you or take it upon themselves to fix you. They will tell you tactfully what you are doing wrong, and will leave you alone if it gets so bad that they suffer. Manipulators see you as a lump of clay/scratching post.
Even if you did have serious flaws, they he would have no right to abuse you like that for it. In stead of finding someone to change into his ideals, he should be with someone wo he actually likes for who she is.
Kaylinn
05-27-2007, 11:39 AM
Cf, please don't get mad at me, but from other people mentioning other drama, I went back and read all your old posts. It kinda feels like an invasion of privacy, and I apologize, but I wanted more knowledge of the situation so I could make a better judgement of the situation. Espicially since other people mentioned all kinds of other drama.
I think you should go back and re read all your old posts. They may open your eyes. You have matured a lot since you joined SW, and I think re reading, and just reflecting on the past few years of your life will give you a lot of insight.
One more thing...Did you get my pm with my phone #? I just realized that he came on and posted as you at about the same time I sent you a PM. Kinda worried he got it instead....
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 11:41 AM
Constructive criticism is helpful and appreciated. Verbal abuse is unsolicited, condescending and has self-serving ulterior motives. Being called “naïve” and being told, “I’m trying to help you become an adult,” are neither compliments nor philanthropy. Fuck the people who claim that they're making you a better person. Who asked them, especially if they're condescending and act like they're doing a huge favor by telling you that you're inferior to them? Real friends are honest with you, but let you grow up on your own and simply leave when they feel like they're being disrespected.
He is abusing you and trying to configure the world to his whims. He can't control the world, so he controls you. RUN, RUN! PLEASE!
madmaxine
05-27-2007, 11:41 AM
Oh, he is also on this kick of "I know you want me to follow this dream life of yours of becoming a Porn Star Stripper, but I won't.."
I don't know where he gets some of these things????
I am oddly reminded of my ex who was a porn addict but freaked the fuck out when I did my first set of BIKINI pics with a local photographer...while we were split up for a month...
& Then when I used the word "intimate" while discussing a guy I met on the bus to another town, he sneered, "'Intimate'? What, did he eat you out?"
These guys often can't deal with the fact that they're not able to extend the same freedoms/courtesies they demand to their partners...It's called Borderline Personality Disorder.
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 11:42 AM
Some justifications to watch out for that you might be making:
-“He loves me in his own private way because he’s not like other people/under a lot of stress/doesn’t know any better/not socially graceful.” Child molesters, sex offenders, and domestic abusers love people in their own private way because they’re not like other people/under a lot of stress/don’t know any better/ not socially graceful.
-”But our relationship isn't like other people's relationships.” See, “He loves me in his own private way.” Some universal qualities of a good relationship are trust, respect, acceptance, and empathy. If you’re not getting any of those, then you’re not being treated right. I've known some pretty unconventional relationships, like swinging, S&M, the male being the dominant one, etc. but the good ones all had these qualities.
-“He’s trying to help me become a better person. I’m lucky to have a boyfriend who won’t blindly, desperately accept me for who I am even if I do have faults that need to be pointed out.” He’s trying to mold you into his ideals, and he’s managed to find a girl who will allow it. He should be looking for someone he does like rather than condescendingly trying to mold you into his ideal for his own convenience and tastes. If he’s doing it to feel paternal and mature, then he’s an emotional pedophile who needs to feel power. There's nothing wrong with having friends who love and accept you for who you are specifically.
-“But he’s so sweet after he’s done wrong.” Doesn’t it piss you off when little kids give you big Bambi eyes and act cute and give you a kiss when they know that they’re going to get spanked, trying to weasel their way out of punishment? Emotionally manipulative guys are like those kids, but decades older. Does he actually apologize and mean it, or is he just trying to lift the cock blockade?
-”But he's trying so hard to change.” Is he actually changing his abusive ways, or is he ostentatiously moaning about the efforts he's undergoing? Actions speak louder than words, and excuses and justifications invalidate any efforts he's claiming to make.
-”But he's really going to make an effort this time!” Just like the last hundred times he's made promises? Are you the one always making changes? Do you change in attempt to prevent him from doing things, which in turn makes you the one who is controlled?
-”But it's my own fault for not loving him for who he is and being such a nag.” Find yourself a decent guy rather than this broken one who tries to fix and control everyone but himself.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 11:45 AM
Cf, please don't get mad at me, but from other people mentioning other drama, I went back and read all your old posts. It kinda feels like an invasion of privacy, and I apologize, but I wanted more knowledge of the situation so I could make a better judgement of the situation. Espicially since other people mentioned all kinds of other drama.
I think you should go back and re read all your old posts. They may open your eyes. You have matured a lot since you joined SW, and I think re reading, and just reflecting on the past few years of your life will give you a lot of insight.
One more thing...Did you get my pm with my phone #? I just realized that he came on and posted as you at about the same time I sent you a PM. Kinda worried he got it instead....
Yeah I got it.
First off, NOBODY is perfect. You never said you thought you were and he is not either. EVERYBODY has their own shit, I do you do and HE does. The blame does not fall fully on you and it doesnt fall fully on him. It takes two to tango!! And until he can learn to stop projecting everything off on to you and can learn to see himself and his own short commings, and can see what the things are that HE does to contribute to the way things are, NOTHING will change. Corsica, you don't deserve to let anyone make you feel as if you have no good left in you. And the only power you let him have over you is what you LET him have. Don't let him have that. Since you can't get counseling, try this. Each of you, write a list of 10 things the other person does that you feel is tearing your marriage apart. Then write a list of 10 things that the other person does that are a plus to the relationship. And not just a list like, your inconsiderate, you can say that, but give an example of it and how it makes you feel when the other person does this. When you do this or say this it makes me feel this. Then each of you read each others list, but the only rule is, you cant get mad and you cant yell. What each of you feel is VALID to you, therefore, it is VALID period. And until you learn to see things from the other persons persepective, your not getting the entire picture. This process not only helps you to see yourself but to fully see the other person. And if you can't do that right now, then perhaps time apart will help, and help to give some persepective all the way around. My hubby and I have been married for 15 years. Right after the 9th year we split and got back together just before the 10th year. Doing this was crucial in saving our marriage. And crucial in allowing our relationship to be what it is now. We did the list many times, till we worked out all of our issues.
Chrissy68
05-27-2007, 12:09 PM
CF, im sorry i thought you went back to dancing after moving back from Germany.
i just read the last posts and wow. i dont want ot advocate leaving him but he needs maturing. like, desperately. from what he wrote, it reminds me of a friend i had way back. he would go on in poetry like that, and it was for his OWN serious need of attention. it sounds like R is really attn whoring here, not you. it seems like his insecurities have gone above and beyond, and you need to vacate for some time, get some clarity. seriously, spend some time away from him, no contact. at all. and you will gain some seriously needed clarity.
madmaxine
05-27-2007, 12:14 PM
(This is from my friend): Lady Gwen thinks he sounds bipolar. Perhaps you should talk to his ex and find out more about his past. There are usually patterns.
(Alcohol makes bipolar disorder worse...Maybe you see flare-ups in his behavior if he's drinking?)
Paintbaby
05-27-2007, 12:17 PM
I'm sorry you are going through this, Corsica. You are a lovely, beautiful woman who deserves better than a paranoid, insecure man who is emotionally abusive and manipulative. His issues are his, not yours---which means you can't fix them. Ever. Only he can, and it looks as though he thinks he is blameless here.
Marriage counselling might be worth a try if this is a relationship you really think makes your life better, and not worse---you are the only one who can guage this for yourself, though. But is sounds as if there has been some uneccesary drama in the past because of his issues--so is this really something new, or just more of the same old same old?
This whole situation reminds me of a saying my grandmother had. "You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit." And the creepy poetry thing just seems to hint at a looming break from reality. Keep yourself SAFE.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 12:19 PM
OK, so the emails have started again, along with the accusations. Apparently he says he has NOT done any wrongdoing, and says Im childish because I said I would not apologize for something he accused me of that I did not do.
Why would I?
Sure, I will fully admit to having a piece in this marriage of miscommunication, pain, etc. I will NOT however apologize for anything he accused me of doing last night because they simply aren't true. No, I will not.
I told him I wasn't going to argue, he can take some time to think alone.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 12:22 PM
(This is from my friend): Lady Gwen thinks he sounds bipolar. Perhaps you should talk to his ex and find out more about his past. There are usually patterns.
(Alcohol makes bipolar disorder worse...Maybe you see flare-ups in his behavior if he's drinking?)
Yes, which is why when he starts drinking, I freak the fuck out, anticipating....
You can't "fix" him and he can't "fix" you. The only person who can fix themselves is them. And they have to be able to "see" themselves in order to even begin that.
And he wants to help you become an adult?? We grow in to adulthood of our own accord, we are not GUIDED or MOLDED in to it. And honestly, he doesnt sound much like an adult himself!!
Victim menatality... everything that has ever gone wrong in my life is because of this person or these external factors. SURVIVOR and adult mentality... these things happened in my life and I am responsible for them happening because I did this or did that. But I live and learn from my mistakes.
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 12:27 PM
You can't "fix" him and he can't "fix" you. The only person who can fix themselves is them. And they have to be able to "see" themselves in order to even begin that.
And he wants to help you become an adult?? We grow in to adulthood of our own accord, we are not GUIDED or MOLDED in to it. And honestly, he doesnt sound much like an adult himself!!
Victim menatality... everything that has ever gone wrong in my life is because of this person or these external factors. SURVIVOR and adult mentality... these things happened in my life and I am responsible for them happening because I did this or did that. But I live and learn from my mistakes.
Amen, amen, amen.
Paintbaby
05-27-2007, 12:27 PM
Also, the fact that he talks shit about you to his family and freinds. Hello, LOYALTY??? Where is it? Talking shit about your spouse when there is a problem betweent the two of you isn't cool or mature, and this is what he is doing--making you look worse, so he can look better. He just wants you to be WRONG, so he can be RIGHT.
Bleah. Don't waste your youth or beauty on this.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 12:28 PM
He's scaring me; I don't know who this person who has taken over R's body is! WTF?
PB, he says that THIS (thread)is talking shit about him.
OK, so the emails have started again, along with the accusations. Apparently he says he has NOT done any wrongdoing, and says Im childish because I said I would not apologize for something he accused me of that I did not do.
Why would I?
Sure, I will fully admit to having a piece in this marriage of miscommunication, pain, etc. I will NOT however apologize for anything he accused me of doing last night because they simply aren't true. No, I will not.
I told him I wasn't going to argue, he can take some time to think alone.
And you should NEVER apologize for something you DIDNT do!! Why should you apologize for him being insecure and twisting things in his own head??? His issues are his own right now, you've done nothing wrong. So let them be his and let him deal with them.
Yekhefah
05-27-2007, 12:34 PM
Corsica, you are better than this. He is subjecting you to emotional abuse, he is immature and paranoid, he probably doesn't trust you because he knows he is untrustworthy himself, and he disrespects you to his family and friends. That is not a loving husband and it's not a real man. If he's willing to fix it, fine, but it doesn't sound like he is, which makes me wonder why you would be willing to put up with this.
You can't change him; you can only decide what to accept in your life. And I can't think of any reason to accept this kind of treatment. No decent man treats his wife that way. And what the hell kind of father would he be? You wouldn't subject your children to this man as a father, would you?
Paintbaby
05-27-2007, 12:35 PM
SAFETY FIRST! Are you? Do you have someone to stay with? If he is scaring you, stay away from him--don't answer his calls or emails, and keep all records of messages, especially if he starts threatening you or saying bizarre things.
He's scaring me; I don't know who this person who has taken over R's body is! WTF?
PB, he says that THIS (thread)is talking shit about him.
Talking shit is what he has done with his family and friends, trying to rally them all on his side and make you out to be the bad person.
Whats taking place here, IF HE ACTUALLY READ WHAT WAS WRITTEN, is many of us stating what is blantently obvious and even giving suggestions of ways for the two of you to try to work things out. That there are two sides to it all and you both have to learn to see and understand the others perspective of it all. And in that process, you have to truly look at yourself. And none of us know him face to face, we are just opinion, the people he is talking to are family and in your daily lives.
Mr. Corsica, you as a person are not under fire here, it's not a public hanging, it's your actions that are being judged. Advice is being given. Use it to save your marriage. Or continue on as you are, refusing to see yourself or hear whats being said. The loss in the end will be yours.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 12:38 PM
I am at my parents house right now. I have to house sit for them the next 3 nights, so I figured I'd just stay over here anyways.
And my latest reply to his rantings (yes I know I should not reply, but I wanted to say something):
"Ok dear, you take the time to cool down. I'll talk to you when you're
calm, if that ever happens.
Yes, if my indecisiveness means I have problems, than you've got that
right! I really don't know what to do in this point in time. You seem
to believe I say I'm perfect, when I know and have said that I am NOT
perfect. It doesn't exist.
Oh well. I had a feeling this would still be going on HOURS later with
the hostility. I won't come home to that to talk about anything.
Remember when we promised that if it should ever come to an end
between us that we'd be civil and considerate of each other? I need
that atmosphere to talk ANYTHING, because that was a promise we made.
It's not there. Plain and simple. And constantly shouting for me to
grow up only makes you look less grown up yourself. Just stop and
think instead of reacting.
How are you really expecting me to respond to you? Reverse the roles.
Would you be receptive? I think not.
I stated that I will not apologize for the accusations you put forth
last night because they simply aren't true; I never said I wouldn't
apologize for quite frankly laying the bitch to your asshole
behaviour. Neither of us is without fault for anything. NEITHER.
"
Paintbaby
05-27-2007, 12:39 PM
This thread is talking shit about him because he hijacked your account like a psychopath. Seriously--who does that shit? We are just responding to what he himself has shown us about him. But I love his attitude of victimhood, though. We're just MEAN WIMMENZEZ.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 12:42 PM
Mr. Corsica, you as a person are not under fire here, it's not a public hanging, it's your actions that are being judged. Advice is being given. Use it to save your marriage. Or continue on as you are, refusing to see yourself or hear whats being said. The loss in the end will be yours.
Unfortunately, this IS what he's seeing, and telling me I'm attention whoring again by gettng the "strippers" to gang up on him.
Gosh, does he think I'm deaf, dumb, and blind? He's worked in attention whore into every email like I haven't seen it. He's trying SO hard to force me to think his way and think he's right.
xbloodydewdropx
05-27-2007, 12:48 PM
He's scaring me; I don't know who this person who has taken over R's body is! WTF?
PB, he says that THIS (thread)is talking shit about him.
In that case, you are not dealing with the "R" you know and love....rather his diseased self, mentally ill or not, he's unpredictable and possibly dangerous. I remember from previous posts of yours that you're helping him through a bankruptcy , pretty much taking on many issues of his. Do you really want all of these responsibilities in your young life? Helping the man you love is one thing, as long as he is willing to work at it too. But, I think the more pressing question is, what do you want? What do you, personally, want out of life?
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 12:51 PM
He keeps telling me to "Grow up" "Get help", etc. And then he has the balls to talk about how "my mom helped me limp past my molestation in the past, but I'm still fucked up".
Um, how is being cruel going to get the results he wants?
Hot2Trot
05-27-2007, 12:51 PM
Mr. CorsicaFire,
I hope you will read my posts with an open mind and at least consider the content.
P.S. Personally, I am not bashing you.
:flirt: .
No no no, it's not a bunch of "strippers" ganging up on POOR Mr Corsica, it's a bunch of "HUMAN BEINGS" in relationships or our own who see him all too clearly. Were not ganging up, were calling him out on his own actions.
And attention whore? YOU? Corsica? Not a chance! Your an attention whore because you came to friends who you only know by name for advice and an ear to listen? WHATEVER! And him trying to FORCE you to this think his way and think he's completely right is just more of HIS manipulative emotional game play! He's in total victim mode and isnt hearing anything right now. Time to just let him stew in his own shit for awhile....
Hot2Trot
05-27-2007, 12:53 PM
Corsica, I just PM'd you.
:flirt: .
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 12:53 PM
Sigh. He abuses you, you get rightfully angry, and then he takes the upper hand by suddenly going into adult mode. How mature. Being an adult requires being in adult mode at least 98% of the time.
He keeps telling me to "Grow up" "Get help", etc. And then he has the balls to talk about how "my mom helped me limp past my molestation in the past, but I'm still fucked up".
Um, how is being cruel going to get the results he wants?
Telling you to grow up and get help, etc... hmm... well isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black!
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 12:57 PM
Telling you to grow up and get help, etc... hmm... well isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black!
That's the pot calling the kettle black, metal, cookware, etc.
Paintbaby
05-27-2007, 01:00 PM
I dated a guy like this---absolutely batshit crazy. Yet, I was the one who had the problems. He would often tell me that his "friends and family" all thought I was crazy and "needed medication"---something he would hurl at me whenever we had an argument, and I would remain cool and calm while he foamed at the mouth. Oh yes, I was the crazy one. Oh, how I lauuuuuuughed. I laugh now, just thinking of it.
The tricks manipulators and damaged men use. There ain't a new one among 'em. *sigh*
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 01:01 PM
God, if only I was mean enough to post this shit he's emailing me......
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 01:02 PM
^Keep it so you can take it to court.
Paintbaby
05-27-2007, 01:03 PM
^^^ What she said. And make several copies, to go to various family and friends. That way, if he finds and destroys your copies, you'll have others.
Yekhefah
05-27-2007, 01:04 PM
^^^ No, it is none of family and friends' business. Just keep it in case it becomes necessary in court. Just because he's dragging unrelated parties into it doesn't mean she needs to do that too.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 01:06 PM
Yeah, I'd only keep them to show to court if I went, nobody else needs to see those....
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 01:08 PM
Regardless of what happens, if it comes to divorce, "I" at least am going to keep my promise to keep civil and not screw him like his ex wife did.
*hmph*
Paintbaby
05-27-2007, 01:08 PM
Family violence prevention advocates often advise women leaving their abusers to leave copies of documents that could prove to be valuble in court with friends and family members---in a sealed envelope is fine. Also, the more people in her circle who know about this situation, the better, if she decides to leave this marriage. He is an emotional abuser, obviously, and it could escalate to physical. Controllers tend to freak out when thier object of control is no longer under their control. Plus, Corsica has nothing to be ashamed of here, and thus nohting to hide. If she decides to leave, then she will need support from her family and friends.
Hatshepsut
05-27-2007, 01:11 PM
Regardless of what happens, if it comes to divorce, "I" at least am going to keep my promise to keep civil and not screw him like his ex wife did.
*hmph*
How do you know that this is the case? It's common for manipulators to paint ugly stories. If she's not batchit insane, it might be a good idea to contact her to see if you're falling into any other traps.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 01:11 PM
Apparently he's tired of my "insults and denial" (me trying to speak reason with him), so the emails have stopped.
He's really pissed that I won't admit to all of his accusations.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 01:11 PM
How do you know that this is the case? It's common for manipulators to paint ugly stories. If she's not batchit insane, it might be a good idea to contact her to see if you're falling into any other traps.
Because I was with him for the majority of the whole divorce proceedings.
Just some food for thought.....
What is emotional abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser. You have already begun letting his words and actions affect how you see yourself and make you feel your not deserving and a bad person. Which is totally NOT true!
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, ACCUSING, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." (And he wants to help you become and adult, correct??) Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.
Oh, and the jab at the molestation abuse you went through when you were younger, is what is called Emotional Blackmail. The constant threat to leave the marriage falls under this too. The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Another big thing happening here is invalidation. The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." What you think or feel is wrong, and they are right, and they want you to see it there way.
So, how familiar does all of this sound? It's one hell of place to be, I know, cause I've been there myself. And once I got out of it, I have refused to ever let myself be put there again. Your stronger than you know Corsica. And your not crazy. And were all here for you no matter what. I've even offered you both ways to start working through the issues you have. But you both have to be ready to even start that. And if one of you is not, then theres not much you can do at the moment, other than give distance and space and take care of YOU.
BrunetteGoddess
05-27-2007, 01:52 PM
I just read something and every single point described him so perfectly that it scared the shit out of me...
ETA: That was scary too Aine.
he keeps telling me it's all me dammit! "I" am the one who doesn't want it enough! It's all "My" fault!