View Full Version : Dear Valued Customer..
Picaresque
06-19-2007, 11:35 AM
The word douchefuck is copy written by Brian Angel enterprises, all rights reserved.
oh is it? What's the penalty for plagarising? 8)
Taylorlila
06-19-2007, 11:46 AM
Dear Valued Customer
Don't ask me if I'll go out with, then when I say no, ask if I would go out with you if you were a girl...I just dont want to go out with you...its nothing against your possession of a penis.
Please don't tell me I'm lying when after you hagging me and hagging me about how I was lying when I said I didnt have a bf I finally said "ok I do have a bf". And then when I say i'm getting ready to go home because I dont feel good and you say why and I tell you its because I brought ramen noodles with me thinking there might be a microwave and there wasnt, demand that I show you said noodles to prove I'm "honest." I'm a stripper, I'm supposed to lie, but seriously, why do you care about my noodles? And dont try to convince youre not "wasted even though everyone thinks I am" on your 21st birthday. If your not wasted why are you rambling on and on about what a liar I am. And no, Mr. Just turned 21 I'm still not going to go home with you even if you do buy cocaine even though you think that that is magical stripper bait. Sorry. And dont tell me youre not going to pay me till I "stop lying" goddamit youre paying me to lie to you!
Dearest female customer,
Please understand that posessing a vagina and being drunk does not give you carte blanche. I did not believe you "accidently" grabbed my ass the first time, I'm certainly not going to believe it was another "accident" when you had to stand up and lunge halfway across the stage to do it the second time. Yes, you are cute. Yes, you are female, and as much as you think that makes you a novelty, you are no different in my eyes. So put your money down, enjoy the show, and don't be a douche. The bartender will kick your ass out just as quickly.
Dear young male customers,
Telling me I have a nice ass is a compliment (not a great compliment, but good enough for a strip club). Offering me $10 to let your buddy slap it is not. Please know when to shut up.
Picaresque
06-19-2007, 02:49 PM
oh and DVC...
If you have a request ask me, or better yet ask a girl and tip her for dancing to it.....
...don't ask for something that sucks. And it takes more than $1 to convince me to grit my teeth and put up with dancing to the crap you requested. I love going onstage. Love it. partly b/c I'm an exhibitionist and an attention whore and love being up there in the spotlight...partly b/c in every club I've worked at, my stage time is the only time I ever get to hear dance and techno music. If you're going to mess with that, you need to make it worth my while.
Like the winner on Friday who charmed me with "ay girl, you get your boy to play 'back that ass up'...and you shake it real good, put it all up in my face...and I'll give you this." (This, of course, was the infamous single dollar bill, which he was waving at me as if it was a block of solid gold.) :P My first thought of course was "bahahahahaha". My second thought was "too bad phillydj's not working tonight, just b/c it'd be fun to see his reaction when I passed that request along with the straightest face I could manage." ;D
and to the other Valued Customer from Friday night,
you were pretty fun to dance for and talk to, actually. Thanks for that! And you asking to wear my stockings was fine with me...as long as it doesn't involve anything illegal, I'll never refuse to indulge a fetish. However, if you do come back and want to do this again, you should tip me an extra $10 so I can buy new stockings. Since you stretched them out and now I have to hold them up with garters. And you poked a hole in one of them. That's a party foul...but it can easily be fixed with a tip. :)
mina loy
06-20-2007, 12:38 PM
for the last time, why can't you just give me your money? what's the deal with, "i don't do the lap dance thing, but i will buy you a drink!"
i don't want a fucking drink. i've said it before and i'll say it again, you are not impressing me by being a macho guy buying the lady a drink; you're a fucking cheap tool who shouldn't be in a strip club in the first place!
Heaven777
06-20-2007, 03:26 PM
for the last time, why can't you just give me your money? what's the deal with, "i don't do the lap dance thing, but i will buy you a drink!"
i don't want a fucking drink. i've said it before and i'll say it again, you are not impressing me by being a macho guy buying the lady a drink; you're a fucking cheap tool who shouldn't be in a strip club in the first place!
*bows down*
This is in the top ten of my most annyoing things custies do...
I do NOT want a drink...I want the 10 bucks you are spending on it while I sit here with you.
Crow2
06-21-2007, 12:45 PM
Dear Valued customer: When I ask you for a dance and your reply is " I'm just here to look" don't be upset with me when I roll my eyes and sashay away. " I'm just here to look" is code for .. "I'm a cheap pervert who wants to cum in my pants for free" Is it also code for " I'm just collecting wank material for later"
Also when you reply, " I'm just here to look", do not expect me to sit with/be nice to or otherwise waste my time and with you.. Looking does not involve interacting and you just plainly told me .. " No interaction."
Thank you and enjoy your coke and not free to look at nakedness..
RoseWhite
06-24-2007, 09:24 AM
(Inspired by a topic in Customer Conversation)
Dear Valued Customer,
When stageside, KNOCK IT OFF with the trying to stare oh-so-deeply into my eyes. Dude, you're obviously straining to keep this total staredown eyelock going. What do you think this is accomplishing? Do you think you're impressing me with this display of restraint? Are you trying to show me how very deep you are by boring your gaze into my very soul?
STOP IT. It's not any of the above and by the way, it's FAR from original, if you're thinking this is a unique little tactic. If you're conversing with me OFFSTAGE, then yes, it's nice to make eye contact once in a while, but ON stage, if you're not looking at my body at least intermittently, you're actually insulting me, in my opinion. It's a titty bar! LOOK AT THEM!
And BLINK!
Thank you.
$$$magnet
06-24-2007, 05:30 PM
Dear D-List Actor,
I DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Please do not keep insisting that I *must* have seen you in that last role. For fuck sake, it was ONE appearance on Different Strokes! In 1985!
I wasn't even born then! :banghead:
Sheesh.
P.S.
No, I will not fuck you in exchange for an autograph. :P
AlexxaHex
06-24-2007, 06:12 PM
OMG TOTALLY!!!^^
I have met some quite famous actors and musicians who expect the dancers to fall over themselves to sit with them all night for FREE...Um, HELLO? I'm at WORK! Your prissy rockstar ass would have a fit if someone suggested you play a free show or tour, now wouldn't ya? Some of these dudes think they are too important to have to tip! I don't care who you are, I've got 4 words for you: FUCK YOU. PAY ME.
Lysondra
06-24-2007, 07:46 PM
Dear D-List Actor,
I DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Please do not keep insisting that I *must* have seen you in that last role. For fuck sake, it was ONE appearance on Different Strokes! In 1985!
I wasn't even born then! :banghead:
Sheesh.
P.S.
No, I will not fuck you in exchange for an autograph. :P
OH MY GOD... The drummer from Regurgitator did the same thing to me. I was like 'who the fuck are you? oh, I'm not from Australia.. and you're the fucking DRUMMER'
Littlelo
06-24-2007, 08:57 PM
WORDS! USE F-ING WORDS when I speak to you! Don't wave your damned hands at me. Say no thank you, smile and I'll go away. If you hold your hand up at me, I'm going to ask for clarification and stand there until you answer me VERBALY.
Crow2
06-25-2007, 05:59 AM
WORDS! USE F-ING WORDS when I speak to you! Don't wave your damned hands at me. Say no thank you, smile and I'll go away. If you hold your hand up at me, I'm going to ask for clarification and stand there until you answer me VERBALY.
Worse yet when you smile and you KNOW you look cute and they are doing the "shoo-shoo-ing" motion with their hands. I FUCKING hate THAT! Like they are much to good to even be in the same personal space bubble with me.. Grrr.
Sorry dude, I don't understand sign language..
Lysondra
06-25-2007, 06:18 AM
Dear Customer,
Why did you steal my blankie? Why? You won't answer my phone calls and give it back!! I'm coming to your house tomorrow to get my blankie back you asshole!!
That's my blankie. I've had it since I was little.
You're a cruel bastard.
*cries*
RoseLeigh
06-25-2007, 12:55 PM
Dear customer,
Do not tell me you are giving me a test drive. I am not a car. I will also not listen to your 'assessment' of my performance, nor care that you 'took points off' because I won't let you grope my boobs. No, the fact that we come from the same area of NJ doesn't make us buds or me more likely to let you grope me freely, it reinforces my reasoning for working in another state. If there had been a handle behind that couch, you would have had my heel on your throat.
Also, other bastard custie-the fact that you come from France does not make it okay for you to proposition me repeatedly and grap my hips like handles. Je parle almost as well as you do, so you can't pretend you don't understand.
Rose Leigh
ExoticEngineer
06-25-2007, 01:15 PM
^Ack! Not the thread jack...but I had a guy say that to me once! "I'm taking points off since you wouldn't let me touch your boobs"
I said "I allready took points off when you tried to touch them" Big smile!
cherry_sin
06-25-2007, 01:33 PM
Dear Customer:
The goal of a lapdance is NOT to get my neck as wet as possible.
You're disgusting, germy, and gross. I shiver when I look at you.
Kthxbai.
gingerlee
06-25-2007, 08:56 PM
Dear customer,
Don't stick your wadded up dollar so far into your mouth that I can only see a tiny piece of paper sticking out. I'll tell you to swallow it or spit it out, but there is no chance in hell I'm taking that slobber covered buck.
Don't ask if my security for the week is my boyfriend. Yes, I take my boyfriend everywhere I go, and I order him around like it's going out of style. We have a dysfunctional relationship like that. ::) Do you honestly think somebody would do this if they weren't being paid?
Crow2
06-26-2007, 01:53 PM
Dear customer,
Don't stick your wadded up dollar so far into your mouth that I can only see a tiny piece of paper sticking out. I'll tell you to swallow it or spit it out, but there is no chance in hell I'm taking that slobber covered buck.
Don't ask if my security for the week is my boyfriend. Yes, I take my boyfriend everywhere I go, and I order him around like it's going out of style. We have a dysfunctional relationship like that. ::) Do you honestly think somebody would do this if they weren't being paid?
Gross! Who in their right mind would stick any sort of paper money in their mouth?!!?! NASTY!!! Guys come up to the stage and I make them take it out.. Like ewwwwwwwwww, do you know where thats been? I am so skeeved out right now.. yuck, yuck yuck.
UtahMike
06-27-2007, 11:12 PM
You may not believe this, but I was in a club in South Dakota recently and saw a customer put a dollar on the stage. The dancer picked it up, rolled it into a tube. put it in his mouth, then took it out with her mouth.
Lysondra
06-27-2007, 11:36 PM
^ i've seen that. I don't get it. You got your dollar, WHY do that?
paintgoddess
06-28-2007, 01:22 AM
Dear love-to-party customer, Dont get someone to bring me over to your table so you can ask me for drugs. I don't sell them. I don't do them. Don't ask me who does. You're wasting my time and insulting me.
Dear know-it-all customer, When I tell you honestly how much I make, don't tell me I make a lot more. I'm trying to educate you, you retard. And especially, ESPECIALLY, don't lecture me on how I CAN make a lot more. If you're not buying a dance from me, then you certainly don't understand how it works. And don't tell me HOW to dance. I'm a professional.
Dear above-the-rules customer, If you fuck up your own dance by trying to grope me after fair warning, you have just terminated your dance. You still have to pay for it, and I ought to charge you an asshole tax. No excuses.
Dear Spanish-speaking customer, Please do not tell me "me no speak english" after I hustle you IN YOUR OWN LANGUAGE. And don't pretend that you don't understand what i'm talking about when it's time to pay. You understood me three minutes ago perfectly well.
Dear valued female customers, You are not above the rules. You may not slap my ass. And it is totally unacceptable to sit around and try to make your lame self feel better by insulting me or laughing at me with your girlfriends. You can't do what I do, and it must bug the shit out of you. Actually, you make me feel great for that. Thanks.
Dear pompous-ass-customer, Don't tell me how stupid strippers are and then tell me i'm an exception. I'm smart enough to be offended by your generalizations. Don't tell me I should model. I don't need a career advisor. And don't ever patronize me by telling me "you're worth so much more." If i'm worth so much more, then please educate me in one-hundred dollar bills.
Taylorlila
06-28-2007, 08:08 AM
Dear Customer,
The front of my thong is not like a piggy bank. You cannot grab the front, pull it as far as you possibly can to pretend your only goal is to stick your nasty germy dollar in there, and certainly not to take a peek at my holy grail!
In fact, I don't even want you to pull the side of my thong and put a dollar there! I will do the pulling of the thong thank you, you just stand there and look pretty. k? Thanks.
Yes please don't try to shove you tips so far down my thong that I think you must assume my vagina is where I store all my money...because its not.
If your going to try to get me to have sex with you for money....how bout you at least offer me enough so that I just say no instead of laughing in your face because half hour in a fucking champagne room makes me more money than that!
You don't want a lapdance? Oh but you would like me to sit on your lap for free? Haha sorrybutnothanks...tempting as that offer is.
I know you think it turns me on thinking about your "oral skills" while you make those lil pussy licking faces at me...but it doesnt....in fact it kinda makes me want to turn and walk in the oppisite direction.
If your gf weighs 300 lbs and resembles jabba the hut...she probebly doesnt want to watch prettier skinnier girls shake their bums. Don't drag her there so I have to feel like shit because your making those "pussy licking" faces at me and she just looks like shes goig to cry. (and this happened last night and I felt so bad...because she wasnt a bitch or a snob to the dancers...she just looked so miserable....it was obvious he dragged her there.) Don't you have guy friends that actually want to be there?
gingerlee
06-28-2007, 12:47 PM
Dear customer,
Do NOT try and stick dollar bills in my ass crack when I am nude on stage. It's not a fucking after hours bank deposit box, and you are not 'ballin' by trying to do that to me. You look like an idiot.
Don't whine about the fact that I brought some dude on stage during my show. Did you not hear the DJ announce that if you gave me 'x' amount of dollars, I would do it to you too? Quit being such a baby and give me your damn money, or shut up.
Don't ask what hotel I am staying in. I'm not going to tell you where, but I would strongly consider giving you the address and room number to some pay by the hour joint to get you to quit asking me.
Yes it is ME in those magazines and movies. Why the hell would I be selling them if it wasn't? Am I selling them for the girl that will be in this club next week? Am I selling them because it's my sister, and she doesn't know I am stealing her likeness?
Crow2
06-28-2007, 01:56 PM
Gah, I seriously hate that ... "is that you" No dumbass,. I just had this made up so you could ask me stupid questions. Cute huh?
ExoticEngineer
06-28-2007, 02:06 PM
Dear Valued Customer,
While I am on stage (or ever for that matter) if you touch the money that is in my thong I will get pissed off and slap your hand away. Yes, even if you tell me "Baby, I'm trying to tip you, chill!" Do not touch the money that is allready in my thong. Ever!
I am not a cashier while on stage, you CANNOT take three dollars from me in exchange for a five so that you may have singles to tip the girl on the other stage. I'm working you fucktard, go play in traffic.
ExoticEngineer
06-28-2007, 02:07 PM
Have I mentioned how much I love this thread? Seriously...a great great thread!
gingerlee
06-28-2007, 04:47 PM
Gah, I seriously hate that ... "is that you" No dumbass,. I just had this made up so you could ask me stupid questions. Cute huh?
Preach it! Like we don't have people ask stupid questions all night, so we figured doing that would help us meet our quota.
Lysondra
06-28-2007, 04:50 PM
The power button on my ass? IT MEANS I'M A GEEK.
It does NOT mean I'm turned on by anal sex. AND NO YOU DIPSHIT, you're not the first AMAZINGLY smart guy to make that OBVIOUSLY humorous joke, either.
ExoticEngineer
06-28-2007, 05:23 PM
You have a power button on your ass? Oh I really want to see this, I mean really!
I knew a guy who had a tat of a battery pack on his back. Sorry, I threadjacked again... :(
ChristyWild
06-28-2007, 10:43 PM
hahaha these are freakin great..
DVC..Stop acting like you are texting your friend at the tiprail..stop trying to take pictures of me when you arent even tipping!! i am going to kick your cellphone in your face one day...
OMG!! Yes, yes, yes...had a couple lil kids try this shit at work last week..god, what douche bags!
okay...DVC, contrary to what you may think, asking me if I could let you touch me where I've already told you you can't "just once" and that "no one will see" just pisses me off and automatically lands you in PL territory. I'm sorry that you haven't gotten laid in a while and therefore have not had the chance to touch a pussy in at least that long, but let's get one thing straight. You can beg and plead and offer me obscene amounts of money for me to just do this one little thing for you- IT WON'T WORK! I'm sorry, but my job is more important to me than any amount of money you could shove my way. So quit nagging me about it like a five year old and just pay me for the dances you've done so I can get away already.
hustlebunny
06-29-2007, 02:40 AM
sign my name four times...lol
Dear Customer of the Greatest Value:
Do not tell me about how you've been to strip clubs all over the country and then interrogate me about what REALLY HAPPENS honestly, no bullshit in the vip room. And if you have to ask me if i have ever heard of you or convince me that you are a big rap star in Shri Lanka please spend accordingly for wasting this precious time of my shift. Speaking of time, our most precious currency, please don't be shocked when I ask to be compensated for the time I wasted pretending to enjoy your company when you don't do the vip room you promised we were about to go do. You proclaim to be a business man, i'm sure you can appreciate that time is money. I can't get my time back...GIMME MONEY!!!
Littlelo
06-29-2007, 02:59 AM
What's up with the stink? Did everyone decide that tonight was stinky fish-breath-night? I guess I missed the meeting. One guy tonight, ONE, out of the whoooooole night didn't smell bad in some way. What the hell? If they didn't have icky breath, they smelled like old sweat!
DVC: Wash your ass and brush your teeth. Jeez. You WANT us to get close to you right?
hustlebunny
06-29-2007, 09:26 AM
can this thread be made mandatory reading before men enter the club??? LOL
Crow2
06-29-2007, 11:11 AM
Cha-Ching.. actually the button is the stupid tax meter..
Ding.
Crow2
06-29-2007, 03:29 PM
Addition,
Dear customer that thinks I'm stupid: Did you actually think I would fall for that " I'm a plastic surgeon line"? Yes, I know making me a virgin again is one of your all time fantasies - but I can tell by your cheap pay less shoes you are not what you say you are..
Also, to those guys that "said" they were "with" Vivid video. Riiiiight, SURE, I will defiantly go back to your hotel room with you so we can make movies. Unhuh.
ExoticEngineer
06-29-2007, 03:39 PM
DVC,
Even though I have turned around with my back to you, I can still see you. Yes. I can. I am looking at you in the mirror, or through my legs or sideways, I am always watching you. So remember that the next time you adjust your cock while I'm "not looking" so that it sticks straight up at me, hoping I'll come into contact with it when I sit down. I saw you do it, and my next move will be to land a butt cheeck on it as hard as I can. ;D Maybe even "accidently" slam a knee into it.
K, thnx.
Lysondra
06-29-2007, 08:40 PM
You have a power button on your ass? Oh I really want to see this, I mean really!
I knew a guy who had a tat of a battery pack on his back. Sorry, I threadjacked again... :(
If you have myspace, it's here: http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=5649398&albumID=0&imageID=9131910
Lysondra
06-29-2007, 08:41 PM
Dear Customer,
Stop telling me you have a big dick!! Because, newsflash, my ass was against your cock and honey... I didn't feel shit.
Littlelo
06-30-2007, 12:06 AM
If you have myspace, it's here: http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=5649398&albumID=0&imageID=9131910
That is the coolest tattoo EVER, hands down! :)
zxcire
07-01-2007, 06:18 AM
Bad day at work yesterday...
Dear Valued Customer:
I AM NOT A WHORE. In case you didn't hear that the first time, I AM NOT A WHORE. And I am certainly not a $1 whore. Your single dollar bill does not impress me so much that I cannot say no.
I don't want to hear about the time you came in and spent $500, or a grand, on one dancer. I want to BE that dancer. Talking about money does not impress me, but making it does. Your stories (probably fabricated) don't pay my bills.
Don't tell me to "dance for you" and don't tell me to "show you something" when I'm on stage. Um, I'm half naked and I'm already dancing. Please don't tell me how to do my job.
I don't want to meet you for "cocktails and fooling around". I don't want to go home with you. I want you to give me money for doing my job. Don't try to pick me up without AT LEAST giving me a tip first!
Did I mention that I'm not a hooker?
Please don't assume that touching me wherever you want is okay. Please ask, and respect my boundaries after you ask. You don't have the right to molest me because I'm a stripper. I'm worth a lot more than your $20.
Yeah...that's all.
Please stop complaining about my recent BA. I like them better now, and I did them for MYSELF. And NO ONE knows why I chose to do them, so just mind ya business.
ANd another thing, stop touching them if you are so "saddened" by my BA. Most people cant even tell that they are a BA... they are so great. :)
sun child
07-01-2007, 02:49 PM
Dear Valued Customer --
Don't give me your card and tip THREE DOLLARS and tell me disgusting things like "I love to please" and "I love to use my tongue." This makes me have to go throw up in the bathroom.
virgoamm
07-01-2007, 07:33 PM
Dear Valued Customer:
For the love of god, stop frantically waving me over to come and talk/sit with you and when I do and ask for a dance, say, "oh come see me later". Please go play in traffic and stop wasting my valuable time you useless fucktard!!
K? Thanks ;)
gingerlee
07-01-2007, 08:12 PM
Stop telling me you sent me a Myspace message, and that we should hook up for lunch. I don't want to fucking go to lunch with you, and I get 100 messages a day from dudes offering to take me. Get in line, asshole.
I don't care if your dick is made of gold, I don't want to see it. Ever. Don't even think about trying to get it out either, because I will kick you in the balls.
CallMeSky
07-03-2007, 06:56 PM
dear fatass customer,
dont look at me and make a rude comment about my big ass and expect me not to be a bitch to you ...'not with that ass'?...um, arent you the one in here becouse you're too damn fat to get a chick to look at you wo paying her?
ellebelle
07-05-2007, 02:45 AM
Dear Valued Customer..
Do not get upset when I ask you for a lapdance within the first two minutes of conversation and tell me I need to "Work for it". Me giving you the lapdance is me working, not me sitting around for hours trying to entice you with my witty conversation while you try and feel me up. Work is when you get paid.
Do not argue with me about the comfort of my shoes. If I say they are comftorable they are.
Please do not ask me if I enjoy my job. Of course I am going to say yes, so I get a lapdance of you. During this lapdance I am not thinking about how fantastically turned on I am, I am thinking about how much money I have made, and how much more I have to make before I have made my goal. The only time you come into this picture is when I think about how much more money I can possibly hope to obtain from you.
Sometimes, yes I am giving you a lapdance with my period. I am a girl, and girls have periods, so when I tell you, we all take a week off once a month, I am lying through my teeth. Just because we have our period doesn't mean we are "untouchable"
Do not ask me which lapdance is best. I am always going to say the longest and most expensive one. If you can't afford it, don't ask.
Dear Duty Manager..
You are generally either a washed up stripper, or someone lacking in the skills to work in a conventional workplace. This is why we have no respect for you. Overcompensating by unreasonably "asserting your power" just makes us think even less of you.
jaizaine
07-05-2007, 02:48 AM
^^^
awesome
has a custie actually asked u about whether u dance with your period? ewww they have no class, some of them.
pookie
07-05-2007, 03:53 AM
Thats great..... maybe it should also be posted on the blue side... lol