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View Full Version : What do you think about a male taking his wifes last name



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Mily
06-27-2007, 03:55 PM
It would be a pain in the ass to change all my documents.


That's the main reason why I'm not changing mine.

Actually, my last name right now IS my ex-husband's name...didn't change it after the divorce, either, because of that reason. Plus, I liked his last name better...He also cared more for me than my asshole father ever did, so I didn't care if I was giving up my maiden name!

Bottom line: MY NAME NOW WILL NOT BE CHANGED!!!

AudreyLeigh
06-27-2007, 04:08 PM
Personally I wouldnt have him take mine. Dont know why... just seems like its been done one way forever and dont see a need to change it. Im not the type thats all about power of woman and taking his name would be laying down to him. I just really dont care either way and dont care enough to fight the issue (or even bring it up). I dont like the idea of seperate names because I want my children and both parents to have the same last name. My mom kept hers and added my dads so she has both...

My daughter has her dads and my last names hyphenated because we werent married (and werent together when she was born) and I wanted her to have both for legal purposes. Makes everything easier for the both of us.

Mr Hyde
06-27-2007, 05:16 PM
Who's doing that? Because I'm accusing you of being unwilling to examine your framing, not close mindedness. Like really - why the reluctance to articulate how it is "emasculating"? Just dig into that word a little and tell us what you mean by it - and I don't mean vagaries like "men do things one way"; I mean like "taking a woman last name would emasculate a man because...." Then - juxtapose that with what you said about tradition, and the dismissiveness with which you met Dottie's initial comments. I'll cop to feeling a little dismissive - just because I seriously doubt you're going to be the one to come up with a rational, non-sexist and viable explanation for why this tradition is the natural order. If you do - hey I'm willing to be impressed.

BTW - I would never get married. If I did get married I wouldn't insist my husband take my last name - although if he wanted the same last name as his children, he would be welcome to. I was irked by the claim that changing one's name is neutral for women, but not for men.

Why is this such an issue for you? I don't understand why my opinion on this causes such an issue for you. Is there some sort of insecurity about this issue with you for some reason? If so, I'd like to say I'm sorry for saying something that makes you upset.

Yekhefah
06-27-2007, 05:38 PM
^^^ Nice dodge, but she did ask you a question. It seems to be just as big an issue for you as it is for her. Why is it an issue for you? Are you going to answer her question? Because I think it's a very good question and I'm interested in your answer as well.

Mr Hyde
06-27-2007, 09:28 PM
At this point, I am not sure what question she is asking me, but I will reiterate my opinion on this.

It's not a major issue for me. I really don't GAF that much. My first post was really one of those "here's my opinion, but I don't care much" kind of replies...and then for some reason I was jumped on about it.

The OP asked what we thought about a man taking his wife's name when they get married.

I find it emasculating. I just do. Traditionally, women take their husband's name. Ergo, if the opposite occurs, it's like the man is taking the female role in the relationship. It's akin to a women leading while dancing.

HOWEVER...I have continually maintained in this thread that it doesn't threaten nor affect me, so if someone wants to do it, fine.

I have also maintained that if a woman doesn't want to take her husband's name, then no problem.

I will even add that if the wife wants to have their kids carry a hyphenated name, ok.

So what is the issue here?

kittenkat
06-27-2007, 09:41 PM
I find it emasculating. I just do. Traditionally, women take their husband's name. Ergo, if the opposite occurs, it's like the man is taking the female role in the relationship.

What is the "female" role in the relationship?

I don't think it's a bad thing to make it easier for men to change their names if they want to, and I don't have a problem with who does what with their name. It's the ideas behind their reasoning (like the statement above) that make me do a double take.

Mr Hyde
06-27-2007, 09:46 PM
What is the "female" role in the relationship?

A wife and her husband are equal partners in a marriage or other romantic relationship. Or they should be.

Lysondra
06-27-2007, 09:46 PM
Dude if that's true I am totally making my boy change his last name to mine! I'm sick of doing all the dishes! :D

Mr Hyde
06-27-2007, 09:47 PM
Dude if that's true I am totally making my boy change his last name to mine! I'm sick of doing all the dishes! :D

Yeah, but that means you have to sit around and drink beer and grow a beer belly.

Lysondra
06-27-2007, 09:49 PM
Yeah, but that means you have to sit around and drink beer and grow a beer belly.

I'm failing to see the bad side of this...

Hatshepsut
06-27-2007, 09:55 PM
A wife and her husband are equal partners in a marriage or other romantic relationship. Or they should be.

If it's so equal, how come it's emaculating for a man to give up his name, but tradition for a woman to do so? You contradict yourself.

Mr Hyde
06-27-2007, 10:06 PM
If it's so equal, how come it's emaculating for a man to give up his name, but tradition for a woman to do so? You contradict yourself.

Not at all. I have never said a woman MUST take her husband's name. It's a tradition in our society to do so, so if the opposite occurs, it's an emasculating thing.

Why is it tradition? Hell, we could spend days delving into the history of that, but at this point, it can't be denied that it's tradition.

It's also tradition that a man has to ask permission of the girl's father to marry her, and it's also tradition that he buy her an engagement ring. Why is that tradition? Why isn't SHE buying HIM a ring?

Why is this such a big deal for some of you?

Lysondra
06-27-2007, 10:08 PM
1. I never had anyone ask my mum/dad for my hand.
2. Because women were property of men.
3. I did buy Michael an engagement ring. o.O;

Dude, either I totally win or Michael totally loses at masculinity. :P

Yekhefah
06-27-2007, 10:09 PM
The question was, WHY is it emasculating? How exactly do you mean? We're all wondering why changing a man's name equals a loss of manhood. Anytime you'd like to explain that, I'm sure we're all ears.

kittenkat
06-27-2007, 10:21 PM
LM, you rawk! :D

I think we all know that it's tradition- but there's no reason to be forced to buy into tradition.

The thing is, I completely understand a man saying- "I like my last name and I don't wanna change it." That's a different ballgame than saying "I don't want to change my name because it's emasculating."

When I hear that, I figure you have a pretty fragile sense of masculinity, and it's sad to see men sell themselves short like that.

Jenny
06-27-2007, 11:53 PM
Why is this such an issue for you? I don't understand why my opinion on this causes such an issue for you. Is there some sort of insecurity about this issue with you for some reason? If so, I'd like to say I'm sorry for saying something that makes you upset.
I do really appreciate your concern - but no, I'm not personally upset. I'm just interested in your answer. Why are you so reluctant to actually answer the question? I mean, I understand you've probably never actually considered it, and you're probably really worried that you won't come up with anything that does not immediately and obviously fall into pattern that many people here have identified as pretty sexist and regressive - but I mean... okay you have the option of just not participating in the discussion if it scares you. But it seems pointless to just state a fairly incendiary, but half-assed, unthought-out idea on something and then cover your ears while shouting "nuh uh! nuh uh!"

And can I address this "it's my opinion" thing that is so pervasive around here? Some opinions - "I like red better than yellow" - don't require any other thought or justification. Some opinions - "I think that George Bush is a member of a secret race of blood drinking lizards" - require some backing up. That is - just because you think it and it's an opinion doesn't mean it can't be challenged, questioned, thought about, and have those challenges and questions answered. That is - just because it's an opinion doesn't mean that it has to be half assed and cannot stand up to a challenge. Opinions can and should be actually thought about.

kryssy
06-27-2007, 11:54 PM
I just as pain as it can be put, believe it is a personnal issue..........one with your wife and you

Jenny
06-28-2007, 12:07 AM
Not at all. I have never said a woman MUST take her husband's name. It's a tradition in our society to do so, so if the opposite occurs, it's an emasculating thing.

Why is it tradition? Hell, we could spend days delving into the history of that, but at this point, it can't be denied that it's tradition.
Okay - this is the problem. What does "emasculating" mean to you? If men and women are equal in a relationship, why is "taking on the woman's role" a bad thing? What's the problem with the woman's role? It's equal. It's just as good. Why is it being preserved for women?

Now try this. What is the female equivalent of "emasculation"? Don't say masculinization, unless you want me to rupture something. Emasculation implies and includes weakness. So you have set up a juxtaposition in which men are weak and lack strength and virility and independence for doing something that you see it as being neutral for a woman to do. How does this line of thinking construct women? What does that do to our gynility? To our strength? It pretty much assumes that it is not there, or is subsumed by the male. THAT, sir, is why it is important to us. And you know it. That's why you won't answer the question - you know we're going to nail you to the wall with your answer.


It's also tradition that a man has to ask permission of the girl's father to marry her, and it's also tradition that he buy her an engagement ring. Why is that tradition? Why isn't SHE buying HIM a ring?
Anyone asked my father to do a damn thing with me and I'd kill me a motherfucker. And my father would be... completely fucking bewildered - like, "what are you asking me for?" And then he'd be all "Oh, wait until I tell her what you did... this will be funny." As for the ring - excellent question (another thing I'd eschew by the way - I don't need to be branded, thank you). I fully agree that couple should exchange rings.

Finally - can I point out that the "why is it tradition" is a pretty fucking important part of understanding the tradition? It is not a small, minor subquestion.


Why is this such a big deal for some of you?
I find it hard to believe that you can't intuitively see the pervasiveness of the sexist attitude that is a big deal to some of us.

kittenkat
06-28-2007, 12:34 AM
^^
When people say "it's just tradition"...

That's internet speak for I can't or don't wanna explain myself so lemme fall back on something easy.

My dad would be like "WTF- you're asking the wrong person, dumbass" if some guy ever tried to get permission from him to marry me.

As for asking, I've asked a guy to marry me before, wouldn't hesitate to do it again.

The engagement ring is a modern dowry of sorts. I hate DeBeers and I'd prefer not to buy into their marketing scheme. In fact, a lot of guys get PEEVED when you don't want one.

Hatshepsut
06-28-2007, 12:39 AM
The engagement ring is a modern dowry of sorts. I hate DeBeers and I'd prefer not to buy into their marketing scheme. In fact, a lot of guys get PEEVED when you don't want one.
Me too. I'd rather have an engagement car payment or an engagement mutual fund or an engagement trip to Europe. I don't believe in diamonds, both for ethical reasons and the racketeering. I'll probably buy my bf an engagement Plasma screen or an engagement entertainment center or an engagement guitar with all the bells and whistles.

Jenny
06-28-2007, 01:02 AM
I don't believe in diamonds, both for ethical reasons and the racketeering.
A ha! And the post-colonial analysis steps up.

kittenkat
06-28-2007, 01:07 AM
Hatsheput, no doubt.

DeBeers and the diamond cartel is a nice roundup of slimy, murderous politics and business practices.

Madcap
06-28-2007, 02:34 AM
Dude if that's true I am totally making my boy change his last name to mine! I'm sick of doing all the dishes! :D


Cool, i'm sick of taking out the trash. Maybe this whole equality thing has it's upside... *picks knuckles up off the floor long enough to scratch his head*

Lysondra
06-28-2007, 03:30 AM
Cool, i'm sick of taking out the trash. Maybe this whole equality thing has it's upside... *picks knuckles up off the floor long enough to scratch his head*

Alright honey! Well, I need me some sex now! And remember, wives can't be raped! So bend over!!! }:D

Madcap
06-28-2007, 09:46 AM
Touché!

KatGrrl
07-12-2007, 05:14 PM
Jack White of the White Stripes took Meg's last name when thay married, didn't he? I think it's perfectly cool.

Budai
07-14-2007, 06:04 PM
Jack White of the White Stripes took Meg's last name when thay married, didn't he? I think it's perfectly cool.

So, if Mike Myers (somehow) were to marry Helen Hunt and take her last name, his name would then become...? }:D

Now THAT might be considered "emasculating"...

PaigeDWinter
07-14-2007, 07:15 PM
If Sybil Shepherd married Ish Kabbible....



Sorry, channeling Laugh In again.

cherryripeboyII
07-14-2007, 08:08 PM
^^Dam Paige, you mad me laugh!

Dottie Rebel
07-15-2007, 12:53 AM
So, if Mike Myers (somehow) were to marry Helen Hunt and take her last name, his name would then become...? }:D

Now THAT might be considered "emasculating"...

Haha...ok. You got me. THIS is a case in which male name change would be pretty immasculating, maybe. :D