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Fawn
07-31-2007, 01:40 AM
D and I have been seeing each other for nearly 8 months now, but only really started to get close in may. In late june his ex best friend, also my ex boyfriend, found out about us- even though we weren't really hiding it, we just never told him, he's been living in another state for over a year now, even though he did come and visit D every month, we sort of felt it was none of his buisness.

Anyway, ever since the ex found out, it seems like D has been distant. Sometiems now he even goes a few days without calling me. When we are together, it is so nice and so good, and he's even still a perfect gentelman in front of his friends (I say this because I've had a lot of guys completely ignore me in front of their friends in the past). But when we are apart, it's like I don't even exist, and tehn he calls and acts like nothing is wrong.

I have wondered if it was another girl, but if it were it deffinitely would have gotten back to my ex by word of mouth, and he'd have had a good 'ol time letting me know. I really don't know what is up with D. It is making me feel like shit.

On to the next part. There is another guy whom I've been aquainted with for about four years now, and when I started going back to the gym, turns out he goes there too, so we've been working out together.

He happens to be very very good friends with a girl at the clubs boyfriend, and they say he really really likes me. Well, I really like him. A lot. But I also really like D, and have for seven or so years, but neither of us are in love with each other, however, I think I could love him. It has taken us both an average of a year and a half to say it to our exes, so we're both really slow in that department.

Anyway, I really like D, and I really like this other guy. I like D more, but, given time I could like the other guy just as much. D has been so distant lately that I'm starting to feel like giving up. But I don't want to if there is a chance it's just a phase. I don't want to be running around with two guys at once. I care about both of their feelings. But if D doesn't starighten up I want to see guy # 2.

I have told him I feel like he doesn't want to do this anymore, and he's like "why would you think that, of course I still want to do this." We've had that conversation about three times. I have not told him I have now found an interest in another guy. I'm not sure how to say it, or if I should leave that part out all together and just find a better way of saying hey fucker, pay attention to me. I raelly don't know what to do. Advise and thoughts please.

mr_punk
07-31-2007, 06:14 AM
Advise and thoughts please.well, i suppose you could keep freaking the guy out by throwing lighting bolts in the form of edicts and commands (ie: thou shalt call me every other day or thou shalt pay even more attention to me because i'm very clingy). however, do what you think best. you're very young and are going to make mistakes and it's going to take time to sort things out.

GenWar
07-31-2007, 06:52 AM
*shrug* I would say, don't make a big deal with it. Hang out with the other guy and do the work outs. Let him know about D but tell him the truth of it. If D is letting you go days at a time without a call or a meeting, why spend that time lonely? I would see both of them and be honest with both of them about it. If D is upset by this and genuinely confused, then explain it to him. Let him know what you are looking for it and how he is not providing it. It isn't about issuing orders, like punkie said but about defining what you want out of life and asking him if he is prepared to provide that.

I know I make it seem simple and I know it isn't. I am reminded of a quote...

"As for the Israelis and Palestinians...I would just get these people together, sit down and talk this out. Why hasn't anybody done that yet?" - Ed Helms, The Daily Show presents America the book, a Citizens guide to Democracy Inaction.

Sure, it is way more complicated than I have characterized it.

But, really...really truly...it isn't.

-gen

SportsWriter2
07-31-2007, 07:24 AM
Anyway, ever since the ex found out, it seems like D has been distant.
Guy friendships aren't deep but they last forever. Between D and your X, you're just a friend with benefits, so D is acting that way now.

G (gym guy) doesn't have a friendship conflict, so he's a better bet. There's only one thing you're not supposed to do with two guys in the same week, but it's easy to work around that.

Let the game come to you. Be independent and guys will want you. Be dependent and they'll make you feel like... But hey, you already know that.

Guys like to hang out with different girls for different reasons, and vice versa. You end up marrying the best all-around match and remembering the best sex of your life.

Guys are visual. They can swap out girls with the same look. That's pretty cool, but not for you. :-\

SportsWriter2
07-31-2007, 07:41 AM
Fawn, you've created an interesting social experiment here. I think the blue side will give you more helpful and caring advice than the pink side will.

Even Mr P was trying to help. :D

Svelt
07-31-2007, 01:50 PM
Fawn I think you are definitely on the right track. You are honestly listening to yourself, and being respectful of others.

Some great advise from previous posters, and I agree.

Let D know what you are feeling, follow your heart, and listen.

Life is about taking risks, making mistakes, and searching.

Be honest with yourself, repect others, and love.

FBR
07-31-2007, 02:45 PM
When I was your age (a loonnngg time ago) there was an unwritten rule. Guys don't date their best buds ex...no matter what. Not sure if that "rule" applies nowadays. If so, mybe that is why D has been acting weird since your ex found out.

You are behaving way more maturely than I would have guessed considering your age. Just keep your options open and do what makes sense. You will likely date a lot more guys before you find one who really suits you without drama.

Good luck.

FBR

Fawn
08-01-2007, 12:36 AM
So I came out with it. Or more like I had a bit of a buzz and just started a new birth control so I'm a bit edgy and I spewed it out. I left out the part about Gym guyand simply asked what he was doing tomarrow night (after he has not called me in 3 days) and he says he's busy, but he can see me thursday. I couldn't see him on thursday because I have plans for a gilfriends b-day. I didn't tell him about her, I just told him I couldn't because I had plans, because he didn't care to elaborate on his either.

Then I tell him I want to be straight up, and I'm not getting enough attention from him, and if he can't give it to me I'm going to get it somewhere else. He says "Have I not been taking care of you?" I say no. He repeats that he can't see me tomarrow, but thursday is good for him, so I repeat that thursday is just not going to happen for me. I went on to say, at least I'm telling you and not just running around. I respect you, and I wanted to let you know this is how it is, but I don't see why I should have to be lonely if he's not going to be around.

I don't exactly remember how it ended, but it wasn't at all unpleasant. My crazy neighboors started yelling right outside my door, and I couldn't concentrate or hear on my crappy phone very well.

So that is how it went. How's it sound? Should I have/ still clarify that I'm interested in another guy, or was it good to leave that part out? I didn't yell. I just told him quickly and got out of that conversation. I hope at least that was right.

SportsWriter2
08-01-2007, 05:06 AM
Fawn, you did the right thing leaving G out of the discussion. You gave D fair warning for anyone else you might meet as well. Let him wonder.

If you switched to YAZ birth control, your life will be better anyway.

Svelt
08-01-2007, 09:21 AM
Fawn I want to say again I think you are doing wonderfully with this.

I agree with both FBR and SW2.

I think leaving the other guy out of it was the right thing to do, the issue is that you aren't getting what you need from the relationship with D, not the other guy.

You have stated your concerns, hopefully he heard you, and listened. I really think he may need some time to run it over in his head and act accordingly.

FBR has a really valid point, for some of us its completely against the rules to date the ex of a friend. He may be feeling very wierd and distant, trying to balance both relationships.

mr_punk
08-01-2007, 01:07 PM
Let him know what you are looking for it and how he is not providing it. It isn't about issuing orders, like punkie said but about defining what you want out of life and asking him if he is prepared to provide that.it isn't? oh well, since you put it that way. who wouldn't want to sign up for this idyllic tour of duty? i mean, the paint on the relationship isn't dry. yet, in less than 3 months. already, she's about to embroil herself in some new drama, in addition to the current drama and i don't even want to know about the old drama. but hey, she's young and fickle, Gen...not that there's anything wrong with that, but defining what she wants could take the next several years.

Then I tell him I want to be straight up, and I'm not getting enough attention from him, and if he can't give it to me I'm going to get it somewhere else. He says "Have I not been taking care of you?" I say no. He repeats that he can't see me tomarrow, but thursday is good for him, so I repeat that thursday is just not going to happen for me. I went on to say, at least I'm telling you and not just running around. I respect you, and I wanted to let you know this is how it is, but I don't see why I should have to be lonely if he's not going to be around.oh, i just love it when a woman throws a princess tantrum and demands a man to make the impossible possible. wait honey! give me a sec to cross my arms and nod my head. no, wait! how about i twinkle my nose and magically split myself in two. BTW, that "I respect you" part? it's a beautiful thing, very much like the twisting of a knife in someone's gut.

BTW, sorry for the ranting and raving, Fawn. don't mind me, i'm just having a flashback to a similar argument i had with one of my exs.

Fawn
08-01-2007, 04:01 PM
Mr. P Your input is just as valuable as anyone elses, even if you may be comming off as a bit of an asshole. I'm sorry you had such a horible experience with your ex, but really, what was I supposed to do? Sit back and stay unhappy? Run around? I put it the best way I could while still being able to get the point across, and there is nothing wrong with that. I realize this can either improve my situation, or make him say it's time to end things, either way, somethings got to change.

I'm really grateful for all the help. Thanks guys. I'll update when this either gets resolved, or it's time for me to move on. Have a great day!

SportsWriter2
08-01-2007, 06:42 PM
Thanks for believing in Blue. :)

Katrine
08-02-2007, 02:22 AM
There's only one thing you're not supposed to do with two guys in the same week, but it's easy to work around that.


What exactly is this? I'm confused. Sex? Is this 1936?

Katrine
08-02-2007, 02:23 AM
If you switched to YAZ birth control, your life will be better anyway.

Every woman reacts differently to diff. types of birth control Umkay Dr. Vagina?

SportsWriter2
08-02-2007, 04:13 AM
Every woman reacts differently to diff. types of birth control Umkay Dr. Vagina?
Sorry, I get too much mileage out of recommending YAZ, Trojan Class Act condoms, Wet Lite, Rabbit vibrators, Energizer batteries and Gatorade. It's 2007; everybody has sponsors now, even second-grade skateboarders.

BTW, congratulations on 10,000 posts. I know Bridgette has more, but 4,092 of them are calling bullsh*t. You've only got 83 cheapies.

Casual Observer
08-02-2007, 03:19 PM
Then I tell him I want to be straight up, and I'm not getting enough attention from him, and if he can't give it to me I'm going to get it somewhere else.

Oh, I know I always respond positively to an ultimatum; I can't leave fast enough.

mr_punk
08-04-2007, 08:28 AM
Mr. P Your input is just as valuable as anyone elses, even if you may be comming off as a bit of an asshole. I'm sorry you had such a horible experience with your ex, but really, what was I supposed to do? Sit back and stay unhappy? Run around? I put it the best way I could while still being able to get the point across, and there is nothing wrong with that. I realize this can either improve my situation, or make him say it's time to end things, either way, somethings got to change.well, it sounds like a win-win for you. he pays more attention to you. you get what you wanted. he decides to break up. you have another suitor in the wings. oh, there's also the added bonus of characterizing yourself as the patient, long-suffering GF and D as the big jerk or asshole to your girlfriends.

Reiyth
08-04-2007, 08:56 AM
well, it sounds like a win-win for you. he pays more attention to you. you get what you wanted. he decides to break up. you have another suitor in the wings. oh, there's also the added bonus of characterizing yourself as the patient, long-suffering GF and D as the big jerk or asshole to your girlfriends.

O.K. I'm guessing you are projecting your feelings from your previous situation onto this one, because you and some others are making her out to be queen bitch.

She may be being excessively needy in your opinion, but taking the fact that she is the type of woman that craves attention (and she's not getting it) what is she suppose to do?

She never said D was an asshole, she said he wasn't giving her the attention she needs. She's lonely and missing him and for whatever reason he can't be there for her. It doesn't matter if the reason is that he feels compromised over his freind, or if he's just been busy. She was upfront with him and told him the facts- its up to him to decide if he can/wants to make her happy or not.

Maybe I'm really empty headed, but I can't think of any other way to resolve the situation. I guess she could just keep plodding along in the relationship and hope things get better, but it really doesn't seem that he is very happy either if he is becoming distant (despite what he is saying).

I'm actually really curious as to what you guys suggest. What is a better way to resolve this and keep everyone happy?

lestat1
08-04-2007, 12:28 PM
^^ I think Fawn handled it well.

Fawn, I'll tell you an anecdote. I have no idea if it applies here or not, really only you can say.

A friend of my ex-girlfriend's was once complaining to her about her husband. She felt he didn't put much effort into giving her gifts. Her husband worked a second job for a year in order to afford to buy her presents for her birthday. Her response to mentioning that was simply: "well, what's he going to do, he has to get me presents for my birthday!" She was overall unhappy and felt her husband was not doing enough for her. My girlfriend smacked some sense into her (figuratively), telling her she had a husband that did everything for her, even working himself to death just to buy her presents. For some reason, she just couldn't see it that way.

I can't tell just from your posts how D really is, but take a step back and see the whole picture. Maybe he's truly there for you, maybe he's a distant ass. I don't know.

mdiver
08-04-2007, 12:50 PM
O.K. I'm guessing you are projecting your feelings from your previous situation onto this one, because you and some others are making her out to be queen bitch.

She may be being excessively needy in your opinion, but taking the fact that she is the type of woman that craves attention (and she's not getting it) what is she suppose to do?

She never said D was an asshole, she said he wasn't giving her the attention she needs. She's lonely and missing him and for whatever reason he can't be there for her. It doesn't matter if the reason is that he feels compromised over his freind, or if he's just been busy. She was upfront with him and told him the facts- its up to him to decide if he can/wants to make her happy or not.

Maybe I'm really empty headed, but I can't think of any other way to resolve the situation. I guess she could just keep plodding along in the relationship and hope things get better, but it really doesn't seem that he is very happy either if he is becoming distant (despite what he is saying).

I'm actually really curious as to what you guys suggest. What is a better way to resolve this and keep everyone happy?

I am sure that she will call D an asshole after she breaks up with him which is only a matter of time.

The best outcome would be if D takes the ultimatum as a big red flag and ends it and never looks back.

Fawn
08-04-2007, 03:07 PM
I am sure that she will call D an asshole after she breaks up with him which is only a matter of time.

The best outcome would be if D takes the ultimatum as a big red flag and ends it and never looks back.


Actually, D has only ever been a sweetheart to me when we are together. We've been friends for seven or so years before all of this. Some of his actions may be assholish right now in this aspect, but he's got a lot of good to him as well. I'm friends with a good majority of my ex's even still. The only ones I'm not friends with actually were assholes.

mr_punk
08-05-2007, 08:16 AM
O.K. I'm guessing you are projecting your feelings from your previous situation onto this one, because you and some others are making her out to be queen bitch.not entirely, just the part where she asked him to make the impossible possible. anyway, i don't think she's being a bitch. however, i do think she's clingy.

I guess she could just keep plodding along in the relationship and hope things get better, but it really doesn't seem that he is very happy either if he is becoming distant (despite what he is saying).actually, i agree. he doesn't seem to be that into her and vice versa.

I'm actually really curious as to what you guys suggest. What is a better way to resolve this and keep everyone happy?either learn some compromising skills or initiate the break-up instead of placing the burden entirely on his shoulders.

Sh0t
08-16-2007, 04:05 PM
Cut them all out and start fresh.

Seriously. Start fresh. New friends, new loves, all of it. Clean slate yourself.

You have too much baggage to get much happiness from your current situation.