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iambonbon05
11-01-2007, 10:29 PM
*sigh* ED-NOS: Anorexic in the morning, bulimic/ COE at night.

For me anyway :( Today wasn't a good day.

flickad
11-01-2007, 10:34 PM
ED-NOS for me means having similar thought patterns to the ones I had as an anorexic but mostly choosing not to act on them. My weight is low-normal and I guess most people, to look at me, wouldn't think I had a problem.

zxcire
11-02-2007, 09:52 AM
*sigh* ED-NOS: Anorexic in the morning, bulimic/ COE at night.

For me anyway :( Today wasn't a good day.

That sounds like just bulimia to me. You can't be anorexic for half a day. It doesn't work that way.

britt244
11-02-2007, 10:15 AM
I still haven't been eating much. I kinda like how skinny my stomach is looking. I ate some sushi yesterday, and a tiny bit of sweet & sour chicken, but that was all. Today I've had a protein shake. I don't think I'll eat anything else tonight though. Yesterday I took a fucking heap of Tonalin and started feeling really ill at work. My heart was racing so fast, but I'm not sure if that was me having an anxiety attack because I was worried I'd had too much Tonalin, or if I really did take waaay too much.

off topic, but tonalin won't make your heart race that i'm aware of. it's an oil pill, there is nothing in it that would make your heart race like a diet pill.

head turner
11-02-2007, 02:51 PM
That sounds like just bulimia to me. You can't be anorexic for half a day. It doesn't work that way.


actually it does work that way because that is exactly what i was when i was sick and was diagnosed by a psychiatrist that way.

At first she figured it for anorexia even though she knew i threw up until she found out i did a binge before doing so.

When i had stuff to do during the day i would starve myself because i knew it would be too difficult to hit a restroom. It was when i was alone and nothing scheduled i had more of a problem. Or when people would push food on me and of course i would fold.

But of course there were times i purged up to about 7 or 8 times a day and had no life too.

I went through cycles of anorexia/bulimia.

zxcire
11-02-2007, 03:01 PM
^^^Well bulimia is characterized by periods of purging, usually after a period of restriction, but not always. That is, to me, what it sounded like she was saying.

You can be a purging anorexic, or a fasting bulimic, but to say you are both anorexic and bulimic in one day is incorrect. It's all semantics, and I know there are people who won't agree with me, but I own a copy of the DSM-IV-TR and am intimately familiar with the diagnostic requirements of both.

PookaShell
11-02-2007, 05:50 PM
*edited video out*

If its triggering for one person, thats reason enough not to post it. Was a video of a slim but healthy woman in a reflection in a mirror crying because she thought she was fat - and the camera moves to show the woman in reality is extremely emaciated and sickly, and suggested a website or program or something at the end that sponsored it that helps women with ED's.

zxcire
11-02-2007, 05:55 PM
[Eating Disorder Help Commercial - Interesting[/URL]

Also potentially triggering...

PookaShell
11-02-2007, 06:10 PM
I didn't think it was triggering but if others think so I will delete it. I found it helpful but don't want to post anything triggering.

*edited* Hopefully just giving the gist of the video's message is more helpful?

zxcire
11-02-2007, 06:47 PM
Thanks! Yeah I think you described it really well.

PookaShell
11-02-2007, 07:06 PM
You're welcome! I know what is triggering for some might not be for others and the other way around. All ya gotta do is let me know! :)

Embyr
11-02-2007, 07:54 PM
^^ BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) can be found in almost any ED case... a/b/ednos.... it's interesting, just when I think I'm better about mine and have an accurate perception of my body, I'll find myself standing next to some girl whose body I have fantasized about having, and realize we are close to the same size. It's my perception that's still a bit off.

I have a kind of strange thing to ask... i guess this is mostly directed towards the bulimic girls but I could be wrong... the one thing I find almost useful about bulimia (err, purging in particular) is that it really causes me to confront some of my worst demons. Purging for me is very psychological, and to do it requires getting in touch with some really dark places... Of course, after the entire episode is over I'm all sorts of wiped out, but sometimes I come to some interesting conclusions/ make good observations while doing so. I guess it's strange... I hate the b/p cycle, I hate feeling that way, but sometimes the near epiphanies I come to when I'm forced to explore my emotions to complete the cycle don't make it quite as bad. I know that was kind of random, but for some reason I needed to get it off my chest. so... does anyone else feel this way?

zxcire
11-02-2007, 08:36 PM
I can't say I quite understand what you mean, Embyr.

When I purged, I felt a sense of detachment from everything as opposed to feeling anything psychological about myself...I was so focused on the task at hand, so to speak, that all else was kinda blocked out in the background...I think...with the thoughts trying to jump in "look at yourself what have you become" which just made me try harder to um get it all out...but if you could explain more what you mean I might understand better...there is something very primal when one gets to that point, I know that...

I mean it was different at different times, but this is what I felt most of all.

Embyr
11-02-2007, 08:41 PM
I'll try to say it in differently, although it sounds from your post like you understood what I meant... Because I've been bulimic for so long, what used to be a very physical reaction now necessitates a much deeper psychological trigger to cause it... so I have to pull up something really disheartening, triggering, distateful, fear/rage/jealousy inducing to be able to purge. But I find that exploring these emotions can be somewhat useful... I just need to find why, if I'm examining them anyway, I'm still bingeing.

zxcire
11-02-2007, 08:52 PM
Ok this might sound like it's unrelated but it's where my mind went after your last post. Once my therapist asked me this question, and I thought it was stupid, but I still think about it sometimes: Do you engage in your bulimia to EAT or to PURGE?

I thought, um both, dumbass...but it came to me in time that I did it to eat in the beginning. I did it to stuff myself and go all the way and do something a sweet skinny loveable girl shouldn't do, purging was secondary, just a way to be able to do it again, to hide it. But it became about the purging later on, about the self-recrimination and punishment and disgustingness that I felt I was part of. It became about the pain, the "badness", the worst of the worst...

and if that made sense, I'm glad. It was related to what you said, somehow, in this head of mine. Forgive me if I misunderstood.

Embyr
11-02-2007, 09:24 PM
^^^ that's very interesting.... I've asked myself the same question countless times.

I'd say both. Usually more to eat, but sometimes purging turns out to be more comforting than expected. However, I started out as a binge-eater, and have not always been this small... so eating wasn't really "taboo," and it has always served as a really comforting way of stuffing my feelings and having that numbing release. Just a break from reality. I'm such an escapist.

I must say... My ED has gotten a lot worse without my bike around. Riding is obviously a fantastic escape... since I live alone I'd often go out and race around at 1, 2, 3 a.m... the times the urges got the worst. Driving isn't the same at all.... plus, on a motorcycle, drive-thru's aren't an option. Riding is really the only other physical release (other than the gym, but working out is a fucking chore...) that interests me. I really need another bike fast... I know it sounds like I'm putting a band-aid on this, and believe me, I am.... but band-aids often have their place in healing.

iambonbon05
11-05-2007, 01:01 AM
For my comment on ED-NOS, I wasn't really meaning to say anything to define how it is for everybody or to diagnose myself. It was meant in an "eh, this sucks balls" kind of way. My main issue is bingeing but it's often an attempt to diet or fast that results in a binge, nearly daily. Thus the anorexia/bulimia switch. And I suppose if I were one of the two I'd be closer to bulimic since vomiting isn't the only way to purge- fasting and overexercising are considered purging/compensation as well.

As for BDD... hmm. I think I have a fairly good idea of what I look like although I still see myself as so far from perfect or even "okay" and so inferior to others that I can't stand it.

And Embyr, I understand the loss of a hobby resulting in a downward spiral. While horseback riding and showing is somewhat triggering, I am still better when heavily involved with horses compared to times like now when I hardly ever ride. I haven't been on a horse for about three weeks and I've binged almost every day :(

head turner
11-05-2007, 11:09 PM
^^^Well bulimia is characterized by periods of purging, usually after a period of restriction, but not always. That is, to me, what it sounded like she was saying.

You can be a purging anorexic, or a fasting bulimic, but to say you are both anorexic and bulimic in one day is incorrect. It's all semantics, and I know there are people who won't agree with me, but I own a copy of the DSM-IV-TR and am intimately familiar with the diagnostic requirements of both.

I don't agree with this still, I am sorry. A nights rest has nothing to do with it.
I am not saying you are wrong, but i am not saying you are right.

before i was bulimic, i was anorexic. purely anorexic. I discovered how to purge when i was admitted to the hospital. I purged then when i was forced to eat and even when i ate salad, drank diet coke. It progressed to a switch.
When i switched I still ate during the day but restricted, and was full on binge and purge bulimic at night. As soon as i ate something that was considered on the edge, or too much of something i considered a good food it triggered an episode.


Have you ever read that anorexia is a side effect of wellbutrin? According to medical doctors, the loss of your appetite is considered anorexia. Real anorexic's know it has much more to do then just the mechanical loss of hunger.

There is a gray area for every disease, and not every case is typical, as outlined in books. My psychiatrist was the best in falls church, VA, and her specialty was Eating Disorders. I am more inclined to believe her description of what was going on with me.

Again, not that you are wrong but I doubt she was.

Embyr
11-06-2007, 08:39 AM
Ok... while I know there's obviously no "moderator" for this section, as thread starter I'm going to politely ask that we PLEASE MOVE OFF the topic of categorization.

It's just not helpful. Ultimately it doesn't really matter who is a/b/ednos/whatthefuckever.... we're here to help and support and share, not to compare and classify. We do that enough in real life and with our diseases. OK??? No more, please.

mollyzmoon
11-06-2007, 09:03 AM
RE: horses, hobbies, etc.

BB, I agree. Horse world = triggering (everyone is such a queerball snob, huh? How about we describe everyone in terms of their weight...even coaches do this. Yuck. I remember watching Cindy Ishoy on the Olympic DVD with my coach and team mates, and the things they said about that woman...God. She's probably the best show dressage rider in the country. Comparing her to a walrus is real fucking classy.) One of the girls I rode with lost like a third of her body weight one summer due to an obvious eating disorder, and the coach who formerly called her fat then decided to call her insane. Assholes.

And yet, without the things we love, it's harder to take a handle on life. I need the horsey love, and I just try to ignore the horsey people.

And regarding psych. reasons. Well, I don't purge. Sometimes I don't eat because I'm so sick from a former binge, so I guess that's how I'm not overweight. As to why I binge...I think, no matter what the specific reason (whether it's worry, or confusion, or stress, or boredom, or exhaustion), the underlying trigger is a need to pummel myself into oblivion. Binging is horrible self-abuse. Having IBS, it makes me almost pass out from the pain. I cry and fall on the ground holding my screaming insides. I can't leave the house for up to 36 hours. It's like I want to avoid my life and distract from my real problems, so I create problems. Any personal life progress is stagnated because I have to deal with immediate pain and illness. It's a way to shrug off the responsibilities of school, people, family, all other things. This is the real insidiousness for me. And then, after recovering from pain, I can focus on my worthlessness for giving into a binge, and then my hideousness for being such a bloated fat ass. Instead of having to confront the more important reasons that I suck. So I keep on sucking at those things, and just wander through mid-adulthood like some navel-gazing teenager.

But even understanding that, it's still hard to change the behaviour. I should just read over that paragraph every time I reach for the cupboards with that crazy feeling. I think at the end of the day I am terrified of my responsibilities, so this is the ultimate avoidance technique. I mean, I've chosen this eating disorder over boyfriends, vacations, nights out with my friends, a real job...so many things. Getting 'sick' all the time is weird and misunderstood by people, so I let them believe that I just rather choose to not be around them. Ugh man. I feel like I'm 14 forever sometimes.

Embyr
11-06-2007, 09:12 AM
^^ doesn't the horseworld encourage jockeys (the males) to drop weight by becoming bulimic??? I remember reading this in a seabiscuit autobiography.... it's one of the male subcultures with the highest incidence of ED's outside of the gay culture. Like, horsebackriding and gymnastics might as well be one and the same for the ED-prone what with all the pressures that have become almost ingrained in the sport through its history, even across genders... i feel for you two, that's gotta be hard.

zxcire
11-06-2007, 09:38 AM
Have you ever read that anorexia is a side effect of wellbutrin? According to medical doctors, the loss of your appetite is considered anorexia. Real anorexic's know it has much more to do then just the mechanical loss of hunger.


Sorry to keep on this here, but I think this is an important distinction.

Medically, the term anorexia is loss of appetite. Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder. It is the first definition that is a side effect of many medications, and this gets a lot of people confused.

It's a small but very important difference.

zxcire
11-06-2007, 09:43 AM
^^ doesn't the horseworld encourage jockeys (the males) to drop weight by becoming bulimic??? I remember reading this in a seabiscuit autobiography.... it's one of the male subcultures with the highest incidence of ED's outside of the gay culture. Like, horsebackriding and gymnastics might as well be one and the same for the ED-prone what with all the pressures that have become almost ingrained in the sport through its history, even across genders... i feel for you two, that's gotta be hard.

I'm just now remembering this, a few years ago my mom told me that my uncle wrestled in high school, and she used to see him running in place many times, and he used to spit instead of swallowing his saliva to make weight a lot.

I know that these behaviors can start one off into an eating disorder, and I wonder if it affected him beyond those times he did it?

My aunt is anorexic...my sister has an eating disorder and I've always thought my mom was borderline. It's always been interesting to me what pushes some of us over that proverbial edge and how some step back?

Just random ramblings, sorry.

Embyr
11-06-2007, 09:48 AM
^^^ No, that interests me, too!!! and yes, wrestling is another sport with a traditionally high incidence of ED's.... really anything that involves "making weight" where "weight" is something LOWER than what is natural/normal.

This may be strange to say, but dancing is one of the places where I feel my body is not out of place no matter what... there is room for all shapes, sizes, curves, styles.... and THAT makes me VERY, VERY happy.

zxcire
11-06-2007, 09:49 AM
It's like I want to avoid my life and distract from my real problems, so I create problems. Any personal life progress is stagnated because I have to deal with immediate pain and illness. It's a way to shrug off the responsibilities of school, people, family, all other things. This is the real insidiousness for me. And then, after recovering from pain, I can focus on my worthlessness for giving into a binge, and then my hideousness for being such a bloated fat ass. Instead of having to confront the more important reasons that I suck. So I keep on sucking at those things, and just wander through mid-adulthood like some navel-gazing teenager.



Yes, I remember how I felt when these same conclusions dawned on me. It made me feel even shittier and more ineffective than I already did! It hurts to be slapped in the face with such *exaggerated and erroneous* evidence of your own immaturity and inability to cope with life.

This reminds me...I know a lot of people's eating disorders get worse when they are stressed out, and for me, the mental symptoms (since I'm not actively engaging) come back with a vengeance when I'm tired and stressed out. I guess it's like a coping mechanism to retreat and sort of hide back in the behaviors we know so well and know won't be as scary as whatever is making us nervous?

It's hardest for me not to go back into active e.d. when I feel that way.

cameron_keys
11-06-2007, 09:50 AM
My aunt is anorexic...my sister has an eating disorder and I've always thought my mom was borderline. It's always been interesting to me what pushes some of us over that proverbial edge and how some step back?


I def think environment and possibly genetics may come into play with some people.

Me? Nobody....and I mean nobody anywhere in the family line is obese. A few could lose a few pounds...but nothing major. My family EATS. Chips, sweets ALL the time, everything is fried and covered in gravy..they rarely eat anything healthy and still they are skinny.

So I dont know where my fear and obsession came from. School I suppose...magazines, tv, movies...I wanted to be an actress so I suppose subconciously I tried to look like what I saw.


If this is triggering to anyone please remove it....

zxcire
11-06-2007, 09:53 AM
This may be strange to say, but dancing is one of the places where I feel my body is not out of place no matter what... there is room for all shapes, sizes, curves, styles.... and THAT makes me VERY, VERY happy.

TBH, I feel a lot better about my body, and my self-image is much better, since I started dancing. I have an extremely warped self image...duh...but I think it's a combination of using my body for something productive (because I never worked out), seeing it as muscles and softness all working together, and the fact that I make shitloads of money because people like the way I look--it kinda pounds into my head that I'm really not THAT gross, ikky, whatever.

I feel a LOT better about eating well, I mean a regular-size meal, now that I'm able to say "well I worked hard for this and have to give my body fuel." It feels great to be able to do that...but of course I still don't feel that way all the time...but it's getting better.

cameron_keys
11-06-2007, 09:58 AM
I have an extremely warped self image..

I never know how warped mne is until I see someone on tv or wherever and say "they have the exact same body as me" and hubby looks at me like I'm nuts and says no..they have about 50 pounds more then you.

But to me.,...they look exactly the same.

mollyzmoon
11-06-2007, 10:00 AM
Re- Horses & Wrestling.

Did I ever tell you guys that I was on the wrestling team in high school too? Heh.

Wrestling was probably my first real trigger. Yes, guys on our team were bulimic, ED-Nos...I don't think any full on anorexia though, since wrestling is an extremely taxing sport. You cannot do it emaciated. We'd get weighed every week, and we'd be told what weight we were supposed to be. At competitions, we'd see guys jogging around in snow-suits to lose water weight. And puking, starving, diuretics, working out for three hours before weigh in to lose like 5 pounds in water. This stuff was encouraged by coaches.

As for jockeys, yeah. Back in the day the locker rooms for jockeys actually had these specially designed puking toilets. Yes, devices specifically designed to encourage bulimia. These days, with awareness, it's still bad. Jockeys have to be under 115, including their saddle, boots, clothing, etc. So realistically, they tend to weigh about 105-108 pounds for races. They often purge to get there, and then weigh more between races (like wrestlers!).

But I wasn't a race rider. I'm just a regular rider. Regular horse coaches still encourage skinny riders. That is more to do with snobbery and false assumptions about what a rider ought to look like than actual need. Racing thoroughbreds have to have the weight regulated to make the races fair (why that weight couldn't be, oh 140 pounds, well...they don't want to slow down the records, right? bullshit, but that's the reason). But for us regular riding gals...ok, my German coach is an gold medal rider, and he's 6'3". Slender, but still. He must weigh around 180 pounds. You can't tell me that some young girl is going to be 'too fat' to ride the same horse. But coaches fail to see this argument.

Athletes should be encouraged to stay healthy, not to weigh a certain number. But such is life. Many people don't become disordered from these sports, but many do.

ETA- if that wrestling stuff is triggering, tell me and I'll remove it. I just wanted to give a full picture.

PookaShell
11-06-2007, 12:28 PM
I'm not doing well right now. Arggh. Need to take a deep breath and focus on facts, and focus on health.

Embyr
11-06-2007, 12:38 PM
^^^:grouphug: :grouphug: :goodvibes :goodvibes

iambonbon05
11-06-2007, 03:16 PM
*giggles for a moment about a Seabiscuit "autobiography"* ;)

I used to do ballet and I still ride. Gosh I'm kind of dumb huh? But those things made me happy even if they were triggering so it was sort of a mixed blessing.

Like mollyz I'm just a regular rider. I know that being a jockey was a living hell in the old days, I don't know how bad it is now. I guess I'll find out because I'll be working at a racetrack this winter not as a jockey but obviously I'll be around them.

I mostly compete in equitation, where the rider's skills are judged more than the horses. Presentation has a lot to do with it and I can't help but feel I'd look like a better rider if I were thinner. Not to mention I had a hard time finding clothes that fit when I was bigger. I only just got to the point where I can buy a pair of english boots without them being customs and I was never huge, I just have big calves but even men's boots didn't fit me. I had a bawl fest in a tack store once when I was shopping for boots :(

I have noticed that I've gotten better placings as I've lost weight. It could be a gain in confidence but it's interesting.

cameron_keys
11-06-2007, 03:24 PM
I'm not doing well right now. Arggh. Need to take a deep breath and focus on facts, and focus on health.

Hugs honey. I've been slipping too. My meds have ana as a side effect(as zxcire made the distinction)...but the pride of not eating is slipping back....I dont want to eat anymore even when I do get hungry. I dont want to lose the control the meds have given me.

Darcy Foxx
11-09-2007, 09:55 PM
I never know how warped mne is until I see someone on tv or wherever and say "they have the exact same body as me" and hubby looks at me like I'm nuts and says no..they have about 50 pounds more then you.

But to me.,...they look exactly the same.

that's exactly the same as what i do. i'll look at a girl and think that she's the same size as me, and when i say that my friends will be like "WTF"

but the thing is, i dont -feel- like my body image is warped. i feel like it's not warped, and that i really am just pretty damn wide. it doesn't feel like it's imaginary, because how can it be imaginary when i can physically see how much bigger i am than all my friends.

i was doing okay for a few days, but then i overheard an exchange between two customers sitting at the stage during my last show last night...

customer 1 - give her some more money
customer 2 - i would if she didn't have such a fuckin fat ass

so yeah, it's back aboard the not eating train again for me, toot toot

miss marina
11-10-2007, 12:17 AM
I just found this thread. I hope im welcome in it...


I was hospitalized a couple years ago in miami for anorexia. I was there for 90 days/each session(court ordered a couple times, cause I was in foster care and watched like a freaking hawk, i couldent even shower alone!)

After that I got out, I moved in with a boyfriend at 13 and started binge eating. and then i realized hey, I can get rid of that too...so i started throwing it up. It seemed really easy for awhile, and my mom(when i seen her) really was proud of me for losing the weight i gained(shes anorexic) so i felt really good about myself since she never gave a fuck about me before!

I also discovered drugs and i would eat pretty much once a week or every other week- wasnt even hungry after awhile and could NOT stand to even be around food. I used to make my SO eat outside/keep his food in his car! sorry, i get off topic alot...

Anyway, I have been binging and just not eating for weeks for a couple years now...But now I keep gaining besides losing & that makes me even more depressed. My uncle died a couple days ago and i went through a breakup about a month ago...so mcdonalds has been my BFF. Im really pathetic because I find this hard to type cause i cant use my weight/how much ive gained/lost, etc....

I told myself i wont eat for 3 days to even out the mcdonalds and a million REGULAR(damn it) cokes I have had today! After that maybe I will try to get help. IDK. I can avoid the throwing up and not eating for awhile but then it feels like my head is going to blow up if I dont start doing it again.

Darcy Foxx
11-10-2007, 12:40 AM
edit - blah, FUCK IT. not causing any more fucking drama. slkdjflkjseo8ohsoeihf

Darcy Foxx
11-10-2007, 12:44 AM
and marina, you are definitely more than welcome in this thread :grouphug:

zxcire
11-16-2007, 08:29 PM
So now I come to you all and say I "engaged in a bulimic behavior" last night.:'(

I have been in a bad place mentally because my stubborn brain is telling me it's time to deal with some things I never worked through when they happened, and my stubborn self doesn't want to get into it.

So surprise, I did something less painful, but more dangerous. I immediately went and confessed to my husband and we talked about it, and I haven't done it since. But I know I can't go back to old behaviors to hide from my past anymore.

It sucks. I feel down but I know I can do it.

ColetteCalahan
11-16-2007, 10:01 PM
oh sweetie... that's tough... i'm so sorry!!! *hugs* well- hey, you're owning up to it, asking for help, and willing to identify the behavior and look at what's causing it... that's pretty responsible of you. (i know that doesn't make it much easier, but hey...)

i haven't been doing great, either. plus i'm getting SICk, which is a major trigger for me when my defenses are down and i don't feel like dealing with anyone or anything.

i didn't binge and purge today, so that's something. but oy... i'm working on re-prioritizing things that are and are not important.... i haven't been putting health and sleep very far up on the list, and lately i've been seeing some pretty negative consequences. i need to fix that. glad we're here for each other.

britt244
11-17-2007, 11:59 AM
^ you absolutely do need to put your health at the top of that list :hug:

i thought of this thread, because i havent eaten today, and my stomach looks so flat. i hate to ruin that by eating, but im making lunch. :-\ i dont like that i feel guilty for eating. like, i literally feel torn over whether i should eat or not.

Darcy Foxx
11-17-2007, 05:29 PM
^ you absolutely do need to put your health at the top of that list :hug:

i thought of this thread, because i havent eaten today, and my stomach looks so flat. i hate to ruin that by eating, but im making lunch. :-\ i dont like that i feel guilty for eating. like, i literally feel torn over whether i should eat or not.

you could've taken those words right from my mouth, that's exactly what happens every time i feel like eating :(

cameron_keys
11-17-2007, 06:09 PM
you could've taken those words right from my mouth, that's exactly what happens every time i feel like eating :(

Yep. Me too. I feel like..I've done SO well by not giving in and eating..why ruin it now???

If I eat...I fail

PookaShell
11-17-2007, 06:10 PM
Me too. ^^^

And I think...If I eat this taco. Not only will I have ruined my not eating day, this taco will be inside of me, adding like 5 ounces of weight and blah blah blah ew. Today I have a hangover and dont want to eat.

Blehhhh.

britt244
11-19-2007, 04:46 PM
yuck. seriously, i feel so disgusting.

i wasnt so weirded out like this until recently. it wasnt bothering me so much. how come it is now? :(

zxcire
11-19-2007, 04:56 PM
yuck. seriously, i feel so disgusting.

i wasnt so weirded out like this until recently. it wasnt bothering me so much. how come it is now? :(

Britt I tend to notice that when I cut down on one compulsive activity I tend to pick up in another area: ie when I quit drinking I started becoming more active in e.d. behaviors. Maybe you do that too? It's like an ineffective way at stress relief, kinda, always being compulsive in some way or another.

I still have to watch that all the time. If I'm being damn perfect in every other way, I'm eating the skin off my fingers until I bleed. Always something.

britt244
11-19-2007, 05:13 PM
Britt I tend to notice that when I cut down on one compulsive activity I tend to pick up in another area: ie when I quit drinking I started becoming more active in e.d. behaviors. Maybe you do that too? It's like an ineffective way at stress relief, kinda, always being compulsive in some way or another.

I still have to watch that all the time. If I'm being damn perfect in every other way, I'm eating the skin off my fingers until I bleed. Always something.

maybe thats true. and maybe its dealing with all my issues and guilt from doing coke, too. i was never scary skinny, i was so happy with my body then.

whatever it is, i dont fucking like it. i feel sick whenever im about to eat because i feel so guilty.

cameron_keys
11-19-2007, 05:24 PM
The anorexia side effects from my meds is starting to wear off and I hate it. I KNOW it isnt healthy...but I had a reason to not eat beyond my own mental crap. I had an excuse.
I've lost at least 10 pounds..maybe more in the past few weeks because of this and I want it to continue.

It isnt right that a side effect that would upset most "normal" people has me happy as a clam......

PookaShell
11-19-2007, 06:09 PM
That how I felt when I started on Prozac and it eliminated my appetite. I was so stoked. Its NOT good.

flickad
11-19-2007, 06:21 PM
I've totally relapsed in my head, if not yet with food (still holding out on the not dieting thing, just barely, and I'm also managing to not eat unless I'm hungry, though I have started to think of foods as 'fattening' and 'not fattening' again- bad, bad sign). My weight is driving me insane and I actually bought diet pills on eBay last night, even though I'm quite vehemently anti-drug. They're herbal, but still.

mollyzmoon
11-19-2007, 07:35 PM
I've had a shitty couple weeks. I bought dexedrine again from the club dealer. So stupid. I flushed them today. A part of me wishes I hadn't. I just want to be skinny. It's all I want sometimes. It's driving me insane. I think it all started from seeing an old friend who used to be chubby, and she's now very thin. I felt like the fat one. My mom is also skinnier than she's ever been since I've known her. And I feel like the fat girl at work. ARRGGH. It doesn't matter how many guys at work say they like my body or ask me if I work out. I know guys at work tend to err on the complimentary side anyway. It's stupid, I should chill, but I can't let it go. I want to reach through my skin and pull out this awful, nasty fat. It doesn't seem to matter how much I work out. I'm just this thick-armed frau. I wish to hell my body didn't want to rest at size six.

Sorry guys! It's so frustrating. Just when I think I've somewhat quashed it. Stress and stuff...this is how I sublimate all my other problems.